Topics of Communication Before Commitment...

[JR]

Hello Ladies

A lot of the issues I have read about here and indeed what I have observed in my own life seem to stem from communication, or more correctly the lack thereof.
Merriam Webster defines effective as:
1ef·fec·tive 
Pronunciation: \i-ˈfek-tiv, e-, ē-, ə-\
Function: adjective
Date: 14th century
1 a: producing a decided, decisive, or desired effect

I found a definition of communication I really like on the Washington State website after a google search, here it is:
What Is Communication? - Communication is defined as a process by which we assign and convey meaning in an attempt to create shared understanding. This process requires a vast repertoire of skills in intrapersonal and interpersonal processing, listening, observing, speaking, questioning, analyzing, and evaluating. Use of these processes is developmental and transfers to all areas of life: home, school, community, work, and beyond. It is through communication that collaboration and cooperation occur.

What are some of the things you would like to discuss with a potential significant other before entering into a committed relationship?

[Misha]

What are some of the things you would like to discuss with a potential significant other before entering into a committed relationship?

Everything.

What are their short-term, medium-term and long-term goals.
What do they value.
What do they see as an ideal marriage.
What do they like about you. What would they want to change about you.
Do they want children. Do you want children. How many children do they want? How would they want to raise those children?
How do they picture their lives in 1 year, 5 years, 20 years.
What do they consider as essential to a good marriage.
What role does religion play in their lives (if any).
What do they see as essential to their well-being and happiness.
What do they expect from you. What do they expect out of marriage.
How often do they think they will want to return to Russia.
Etc...

In other words, you should talk about everything and then talk about it once more just to be safe.

[JR]

Now see what you've gone n done? You took ALL the topics at one time ! ! ! Now there's nothing left to talk about. Which means, "drum roll please" You Must SUFFER ! ! ! Heheheheee

Good ones, keep em coming

[Vaughn]

One original poster, two concurrent threads.... why?

I'll add a few things, that while perhaps not important to others, were very much to us. We spent
a great deal of time reviewing our pasts. We spoke about births of siblings in our immediate families,
deaths of parents, and major events that affected family members. We shared our experiences as
single parents, and those difficulties associated with going it alone. We compared notes on our
respective educations, including the Cold War propoganda as purveyed by both nations. In the
course of these daily kitchen table chats at dawn, there were both tears and laughter.

In short, we were trying to get acquainted based on our history, rather than jump immediately
into future plans. For us, this was an important step, and allowed us to bond in a way I can
only describe as intimate. We held nothing back - and our talks made future plans, promises,
statements of ideals and values - all the more credible, based on what we already knew.

[mark2353]

First thank you all! i want to make sure I cover all the basis so that she comes her and surprise!! After reading some of the threads in the last few weeks I have to admit cold feet!!! Failure is not option at this point. Especially if stems from poor up front communication(goal,family, lifestyle, religion, food..).

keep it up!!

[Vaughn]

Especially if stems from poor up front communication(goal,family, lifestyle, religion, food..).

Food? I fell over laughing when I read that, Mark, but yeah, that's
important, too! Suck it up and devour the salads with gusto - and all will be well in the cuisine dept...

[OlgaH]

What are their short-term, medium-term and long-term goals.

plus finances.

As you say, Misha, everything that concerns life together.

[Sculpto]

who said EVERYTHING first?  IMNSHO there is no topic that should not be discussed.  It is way too easy to have a misunderstanding even when everything IS discussed to leave anythign out.  

And yes, food is REALLY important!  Why?

In my case.. I am VERY prone to weight gain.  If I do not have a very very controlled diet I will gain.. can't help it.. thats the metabolism I got from my genes.. I used to joke it was because of the Russian blood in my veins trying to store fat for the winter like a bear.. "A" was surprised when I seemed to gain a bit of weight eating her food for two weeks.  I told her, yes.. all that mayo and cream is going to make me gain.. it was only at that precise moment that she finally opened her mind up about what food I cook and like and what will help me maintain a good weight.  I made a soup.. she made funny faces when I showed her what i would cook, but, once she tasted it she liked it.  Then she said I can teach her how to make healthy soups, of which I have close to 100 which I learned living in Mexico.  Also, I like a bit of spice in my food (thought spices don't always like me) but she is not accustomed to it.  Its one of the reasons I think going to Thailand with her might be a good idea.  Call me evil..hahaha!

here is more food stuff..

she overcooks the pasta every time.. I finally had to explain "al dente" (was thinking about Sandro during the explanation wondering if I really got it right)  After the al dente conversation she had me check if the pasta was done every time..

She has no idea what a sharp knife is.  I am obsessed with sharp knives.. might be because of being a sculptor and carpenter... she stared at me like i was crazy when I used the unglazed bottom of a porcelain tea cup to sharpen the knife.. after almost half an hour I was satisfied.. it wasn't razor sharp but.. and then.. when she used it she said.. ok, it better..

I roasted a whole garlic on the "elektra 1001" only to learn she doesn't like garlic.  Ugh!  I must find a way to overcome this defect..  By the way.. those Elektra's get REALLY REALLY HOT.  If you have one in an apartment where you are staying be really carefull as it is very easy to burn stuff..

She could live in bon bons it appears.  I was wishing I could get a re-run of "Married With Children".. I couldnt stop laughing about Peg Bundy every time she asked me to bring a box of "Rafaello's".  'Why you laugh?'  "I will show you when you are in the USA, just remember to remind me about bon bons"

I can live on unsweetened 99% cacao... fortunately she likes it also.. one night I bought some vanilla ice cream.. shaved some bitter chocolate  into it and threw a splash of amaretto on it.. she made funny faces and wouldn't taste.. I said.. "good, more for me, YUMMY!"  When it was all gone she wanted a taste.. "sorry, too late, haha! But I will make another for you if you wish"  'nono, i want only to taste'  "Maybe tomorrow"  Later that night i made one spoon and brought it to her when she was watching tv.. she said.. "ok it good, will to bring me more?

Petrovsky store had a nice freezer with foi gras, foi du canard and other imported french pates.. I thought about bringing some home but for $50 for a little piece I decided I could wait.  She might not like it and then I would have to eat a whole thing of really really fat food...

I found a place in Petrovsky's where they made fresh bread every day.  I came home with this bread and she said.. "where you find that?"  'In the store, where do you think'  "That really good bread, I happy"  The bread was still warm from the oven.. and only 25r for a nice sized loaf..

I turned her on to blue cheese.. she never had it before but loved it and so we constantly sampled the different ones available.. I guess "president" is probably available in the whole world.. we must have tried at least 5 different blues.. i got some goat also but it was too strong for her and i had to eat the whole thing.. ugh.. I have to admit it was not the goat I am used to that is made around here or in france or mexico..

I am accustomed to go to an organic farmers market usually once a week.  She was REALLY surprised when i came home one day with a pile of awesome produce from a street market I found.  Awesome strawberries, gorgeous mushrooms, really sweet funny shaped yellow onions, and some jelly candies formed in the shape of fruits.  She asked where I got it all.. "On the street"  'ok, you show to me where it is this street and I will to buy food there'  BTW.. she refused to eat the big strawberries saying they were Chernobyl berries...

I also had to explain to her about BBQ being a mans job in the usa.

ok, I confess.. I am a San Francisco foodie...  and sorry again for the overly long post..

[mies]

food, music, entertainment, and other stuff are better to be tried/experienced together rather than discussed. 
Overall I agree with Sculpto and Misha.
My personal approach - just be open and relax. Spend time together. Articulate your thoughts, expectations and desires, be open about your concerns. Let's say you think that she is maniac-depressive or bipolar. Of course you can't ask her casually "by the way, are you bipolar?". Suggest that you two share with each other your medical history (you have to show yours as well) and check your genetic compatibility.

If things go well - they go well. If they don't - you won't improve them by discussing "important topics".

You lived for 10 years with russian woman. I never did (except for with my mom - with whom i lived together for 16 years.. or wait... my mom isn't Russian..). So I bet you can give advice to anybody here how to be more efficient in communication with FSUW.

P.S. (mumbling to myself: where do they find RWs... never tried blue cheese, huh?... my 80yo grandma knows the blue cheese. Swiss Roquefort was sold even in Soviet Union times..)

[JR]

One original poster, two concurrent threads.... why?

Why were you peeking into into the ladies room?  :evil: shame, Shame, SHAME one you.

Now you MUST SUFFER!!!!

[JR]

You lived for 10 years with russian woman. I never did (except for with my mom - with whom i lived together for 16 years.. or wait... my mom isn't Russian..). So I bet you can give advice to anybody here how to be more efficient in communication with FSUW.

It was 10.5 years and it failed. Perhaps I should not be giving advice to anyone...

I am only trying to help some peeps avoid some of the pits I fell into.

WooooHooooo....I have 100 posts! I wonder if I get my second little star?!?!?!?

Takes a peek...

nope.

I've got THREE little stars

I RULE ! ! ! ! ! !

[Sculpto]

P.S. (mumbling to myself: where do they find RWs... never tried blue cheese, huh?... my 80yo grandma knows the blue cheese. Swiss Roquefort was sold even in Soviet Union times..)

hahha Mies.. she wasn't into cheese at all when we first met.. and I love all cheese in all forms.. almost an obsession (another one sheesh) but now she loves the blue and after i made some al dente pasta with a little butter and shaved parma.. she is hooked on that too..

[mark2353]

Well Sculpto the BBQ was a definite experience for my RW friend. Being a Argentinan at heart(me). I made it one night while she was here and it instantly became her favorite. "can you make that again!" then the TJ chocolates with Almonds (1 lb dark Belgium).
I agree food is very important my Ex believed that with a microwave and clock all things can be made.  Or her alternate solution lets go eat out. Well I hate most restaurant food. I worked in one many years ago and developed a rather low opinion of restaurant food.
so the food is really a way to men heart!(YES!).

[OlgaH]

food, music, entertainment, and other stuff are better to be tried/experienced together rather than discussed. 

agree, you forgot a bottle of vodka to food and music  and both will see their capabilities and  compatibility

[youtube=425,350]lPoXqUHy7tQ[/youtube]

Let's say you think that she is maniac-depressive or bipolar. Of course you can't ask her casually "by the way, are you bipolar?".

Mies, and again the old method called "bottle of vodka" can be very helpful to uncover all bipolarities  

[Lily]

What are some of the things you would like to discuss with a potential significant other before entering into a committed relationship?

Thanks for raising this point.

I think the topics might be different depending on her life circumstances. Misha added a lot of details to this.
 
As for me, I will have to discuss one thing where I eventually might have to resort to help of mu husband, if I ever get one. There is one living creature who depends on me, my mother. Now she is relatively okay and can do without my assistance. That means, if and when I get to the West, after some time I will have to file to get my mother to me. However, in a worst case, where despite all my self-marketing efforts I still won't be able to land a job, I may not qualify for family sponsorship. Therefore, I will have to discuss at least his minimal participation at co-sponsoring my mother in the future.

[mies]

and I love all cheese in all forms.. almost an obsession

hey Bro 

[mies]

There is one living creature who depends on me, my mother.

excellent post Lily.
 Same true for me, only my family consists of mother, father and younger sister. They are financially independent now, but has anything happened - I would always help them no matter how much and what kind of help will be needed. So in a way, my husband is potentially married to me, and my family. On a good side - i always support (and often stimulate) my husband in his desire to help his parents and relatives.

[OlgaH]

So in a way, my husband is potentially married to me, and my family. On a good side - i always support (and often stimulate) my husband in his desire to help his parents and relatives.

That's the way it should be 

[Sculpto]

Therefore, I will have to discuss at least his minimal participation at co-sponsoring my mother in the future.

Lily thanks for mentioning that.  I have been thinking about that a lot.  My Mother is going to need a lot more care pretty soon and I did discuss that with "A".  But we didn't really discuss her Mother.  I know she asked her Mom once what she would think about living in another country and her response was.. "why not?"  But it is definitely a topic I need to bring up and discuss in greater detail.

[Mishenka]

Lily, I just got home from a dance with Russian people living in my area, many single women of all ages who came to USA on their own without any husband or fiance'. Tell me why you want to come to the West and why not come on your own like so many often do. There were at least 40 singles there tonight. I spoke to a Polish woman who told me it is so easy for anyone to get a tourist visa from Poland and most of FSU also.

Mishenka

[mies]

Lily thanks for mentioning that.  I have been thinking about that a lot.  My Mother is going to need a lot more care pretty soon and I did discuss that with "A".  But we didn't really discuss her Mother.  I know she asked her Mom once what she would think about living in another country and her response was.. "why not?"  But it is definitely a topic I need to bring up and discuss in greater detail.

as you know - there is a huge russian community in SFO, and in my impression (could be pure chance though) they are nicer and friendlier than russian immigrants in other large American cities.
My parents do not want to move abroad, at least father definitely do not want to move. When I think of accommodating them anywhere closer to me - my major concern is that it could be very long-term, expensive and  stressful for them endeavor to relocate to USA. I think they would be happier living at home. Yet I want to be able to take care of them and see them more often. Long distance from my relatives is the biggest issue I have with living in USA.

[Misha]

Therefore, I will have to discuss at least his minimal participation at co-sponsoring my mother in the future.

Yes, that is another must discuss that was on my list as well. One of the things that I did not want was to be married to a woman who was very dependent on family, or how does that Russian saying go, a woman who is under her mother's skirt. Fortunately, my wife fit my ideal: she does not run to her parents for advice, she is very strong-willed and independent, and she herself does not want to have her mother running her household. We agreed that even if we were to sponsor her mother in the future (unlikely, as she has her other daughter in Russia) then it would be when we have a house with a separate suite for her mother so she could be near, but not living with us.

[mark2353]

My parents do not want to move abroad, at least father definitely do not want to move. When I think of accommodating them anywhere closer to me - my major concern is that it could be very long-term, expensive and  stressful for them endeavor to relocate to USA. I think they would be happier living at home. Yet I want to be able to take care of them and see them more often. Long distance from my relatives is the biggest issue I have with living in USA.

You really should consider this point very closely. Think about what their daily life would be in USA.
Personally seen two cases where the family brought parents from foreign countries and they end sending them back.
Reason at home they have a little bit of life going out and running few errands visit with friends & neighbors in their own language. Here the children had very nice homes in suburban, the only thing they did was watch TV sunrise to sunset with minor walks. Very lonely since all family members were at work or school... so they were prisoners of their new home.

[Simoni]

Food? I fell over laughing when I read that, Mark, but yeah, that's
important, too! Suck it up and devour the salads with gusto - and all will be well in the cuisine dept...

Salads?  Those I can handle--barely.

But stinky fish is another story!!!

[Simoni]

And wait until you see jello with fish floating in it!