I married a polish half russian woman it's been nothing but stress...

[vajoseph]

I knew this Polish well half Russian woman her parents are Polish,Russian respectively for 5 years well we started dating couple of years ago she is here on a nanny Au Pair program well she was then.Long story short,I took a vacation to Chicago came back and saw her some more and we married.I really loved her so I figured why not,it's the best option for me.My parents were happy for me.Problem is now it's Joe do this,do that,she is very bossy,being a neat freak,etc.Every day off she already has it pre planned for me,drives me nuts! She says we need to go get new mattress,take more pictures together,etc.I just wonder if she loves me why does she treat me like this? She just gets quiet if I speak up.I've done everything for her got us a new place to live together,we signed a one year lease,and her name is on that too.All the bills are in my name and hers together.
I'm just wondering why she is so bossy,controling,is that normal???
And she does not understand how it works here,just because we are married does not mean things will happen overnight.I wanna make it work with her,I love her and care for her alot that is why I marry her.
Let me know what you guys think and wish me luck.

[JR]

I wish you luck...

[JR]

Now get into counselling, seriously. She may not understand what her actions are doing to you. Professional help can....well, help

If she becomes quiet when you speak up, I presume you are not menacing her...then she may just be following the pattern her parents taught her because she knows no other way to go about relating to you. Get help, get it soon!

[JR]

Oh yeah, and do it out of love. I mean that. If you can't, then don't do it at all, just get out.

[Vaughn]

Every day off she already has it pre planned for me,drives me nuts!

Start off by telling her - gently and lovingly - to not make plans for your next day off.
This may catch her offguard, there might be a barrage of questions - but do NOT allow
it to become an argument. Then, plan to visit a place on neutral ground, turn off your
cellphones - and have a heart to heart talk. Mention you've been here, albiet anonymously,
to ask a few more experienced men for guidance.

Joe, jollyrats is giving you good advice - this is not a situation likely to go away without
some helpful therapy and work. Do you have EAP at your workplace? The benefit is limited in
scope - but an excellent place to begin. Above all, approach your "renewal" with  enthusiasm - and not resignation.

Let her see how willing you are to repair your relationship. Should she decide to join you, then welcome her.

I've been there, Joe. Years ago I complained to pals, "I feel like I'm dancing as fast as I can." 

Good luck, and check back in.

Vaughn

[kievstar]

Need to be more of a strong man.  You both should see a marriage counselor. 

[Zhena]

Councelor...
I just think that author not ready to get married or never lived with any woman before. Women usually hate sloppiness and lack of initiative. If u so comfortable to live alone,shouldnt marry. Now,u re not live alone and have to consider that. It has nothing to do with love of her to you,its a style of life each of you used to.

[Doll]

Councelor...
I just think that author not ready to get married or never lived with any woman before. Women usually hate sloppiness and lack of initiative. If u so comfortable to live alone,shouldnt marry. Now,u re not live alone and have to consider that. It has nothing to do with love of her to you,its a style of life each of you used to.

Agree

[Doll]

I'm just wondering why she is so bossy,controlling,is that normal???

Yes, if a woman is stronger. I've seen both American and FSU women of both types- depends on their upbringing and their husbands' nature.
Hey, it is actually good she is so active. You probably have the "single man" habits

[Gator]

Every day off she already has it pre planned for me,drives me nuts! She says we need to go get new mattress,take more pictures together,etc.I just wonder if she loves me why does she treat me like this?

Actually, I believe she feels BIG LOVE for you.  She certainly wants to spend time with you and improve your common nest.

She just gets quiet if I speak up.

I assume by this her mind is made up and she is unwilling to bend, so why should she listen to you and discuss options.

And she does not understand how it works here,just because we are married does not mean things will happen overnight. 

 

What else would you expect?  She is Slavic with a lot of drive and determination. 

In summary, welcome to marriage with a Slavic woman.  It sounds as if you need someone to give you direction.  However, such can be too much if done constantly like a drill sergeant with no interaction, no compromise.  You are feeling married life is crazy, and I imagine she is too.

You will need to make some adjustments.  Thus, I agree with the following sentiments expressed earlier.

Councelor...
I just think that author not ready to get married or never lived with any woman before....It has nothing to do with love of her to you,its a style of life each of you used to.

On the other hand, your new wife has never been married before and she needs to adjust too.  Her mama is perhaps telling her how to rule a man. 

Some members have suggested counseling.  That is good.  Prior to seeking outside help, you should try to work this out between just the two of you.  Rather than her barking orders to you daily, I suggest that the two of you sit down just ONCE per week and develop a mutually acceptable plan for the week.  This means that both of you need to accomplish what is listed on the plan.

...wish me luck.

Good luck!  Both of you love each, so build on that without driving each other crazy.

[GoodOlBoy]

.....being a neat freak,etc.

Define "neat freak".

My wife and most Russian/Ukrainian women I know here in Sunny Isles Beach, DO NOT want to live like slobs.

The homes I have been to (and there has been MANY) are always very clean, neat and cozy.  

....take more pictures together.....got us a new place to live together,we signed a one year lease,and her name is on that too.......All the bills are in my name and hers together......

Sounds normal to me.

It appears she is trying to get her documentation/proof of marriage in order so she can get her Permanent GC?

Which by the way, is supposed to be the "man's" job!  

My question is....You knew this lady for 5 years and didn't know she was (in your words) "bossy"?

Strange story?


GOB

[I/O]

Vajoseph: Get some tidiness into your schedule, get some "ticker" (Strength within) and get a good pair of ear plugs. 'S'bout all you'll need to survive. Find a hobby. If you're a lounge lizard on weekends or days off, you're probably in for a rough ride with a Slavic woman, maybe any woman. Answer to your question, it manifests itself in different ways but for the most part, yeah, it's normal. BTW, I'm the "Tidy Freak" around our place, so my yelling about that kind of evens the score a little.

I/O

[pitbull]

Define "neat freak".

My wife and most Russian/Ukrainian women I know here in Sunny Isles Beach, DO NOT want to live like slobs.

The homes I have been to (and there has been MANY) are always very clean, neat and cozy.  


It appears she is trying to get her documentation/proof of marriage in order so she can get her Permanent GC?

Which by the way, is supposed to be the "man's" job!  


GOB

GoB,  Could you please elaborate on this? What is supposed to be the "man's" job and why?

Thanks!

[Misha]

Every day off she already has it pre planned for me,drives me nuts! She says we need to go get new mattress,take more pictures together,etc.I just wonder if she loves me why does she treat me like this?
I'm just wondering why she is so bossy,controling,is that normal???

Is there a normal? My question is this: is she stressed out about something? This need to do something may be caused by some stress that she feels. I would have a heart-to-heart talk with her to figure out if she is worried about something (likely the immigration process). Sometimes when we worry about something and feel as if we don't have any control over our lives, we seek to control what we can, and in this case your marriage might be the one place where she feels she can have her say. Just speculating of course, and I am presuming that you both married for love and all the right reasons.

[GoodOlBoy]

GoB,  Could you please elaborate on this? What is supposed to be the "man's" job and why?

Thanks!

Hello Pitbull.

When you invite an FSU lady to come to America, it is your responsibility to make sure her documents are filed in a correct and timely manner.

As a man, it is your job to add her to all of your accounts, leases, etc. (and not whine about it) so her documentation looks valid to USCIS and your marriage appears to be valid and a real one.

Separate accounts and anything else "separate" to USCIS is a BIG RED FLAG (scam marriage).

She can also help with the picture taking and other details, BUT...it is the man's responsibility to deal with the "heavy lifting".

After all, this is not her country. How is a foreign woman suppose to know how to deal with the American bureaucracy (USCIS)?

The answer is, SHE CAN'T KNOW.

It is your job as a man to lead, not whine and complain.

Just my 2 cents.


GOB


BTW... I just applied for my wife's citizenship in the GoodOl' USA two month's ago. I have done all of her paperwork since day 1. She has never been for an interview nor has USCIS ever asked for anymore paperwork or documents (proof of valid marriage) than what I have supplied in each one of her packets.

Just lucky I guess! 

[diverboy70]

How much face time did you have before the marriage? What did you discuss during that time?

To me it seems you married a stranger, and now have to "pay the consequences". You seem to have totally opposite wievs of the marriage and what it entails.

If you didnt have those important conversations before the marriage you have to have them now, ASAP!!! If not, your different expectations of the marriage will lead to the destruction of it.

You think she is pushing you all the time, she is probably thinking you are not putting in enough effort in it. Sit down and talk NOW!!

[pitbull]

Hello Pitbull.

When you invite an FSU lady to come to America, it is your responsibility to make sure her documents are filed in a correct and timely manner.

She can also help with the picture taking and other details, BUT...it is the man's responsibility to deal with the "heavy lifting".

After all, this is not her country. How is a foreign woman suppose to know how to deal with the American bureaucracy (USCIS)?

The answer is, SHE CAN'T KNOW.

It is your job as a man to lead, not whine and complain.

Just my 2 cents.


GOB


BTW... I just applied for my wife's citizenship in the GoodOl' USA two month's ago. I have done all of her paperwork since day 1. She has never been for an interview nor has USCIS ever asked for anymore paperwork or documents (proof of valid marriage) than what I have supplied in each one of her packets.

Just lucky I guess! 

GoB,

You seem to have very definite rules about what a "man's job" is and you do follow them through!  

It's just this can be very different for different couples. I did all the paperwork for my AOS and permanent Green Card  by myself. My husband only signed the forms where I told him to. If I decide to apply for the US citizenship, I'll do all the paperwork as well.

It's just I don't see how an AM would know any more about the GC immigration process in the US than I do (unless he did another K-1 before  ). The rules are pretty straightforward and all the info is available online. Our reading and understanding abilities are the same  

And yes, just like you, "I have done all of her paperwork since day 1. I have never been for an interview nor has USCIS ever asked for anymore paperwork or documents (proof of valid marriage) than what I have supplied in each one of her packets."

My point here is... all couples are different and RW are different too, hence the perception of "what is whose responsibility" in a marriage.

[Blues Fairy]

This need to do something may be caused by some stress that she feels. I would have a heart-to-heart talk with her to figure out if she is worried about something (likely the immigration process). Sometimes when we worry about something and feel as if we don't have any control over our lives, we seek to control what we can, and in this case your marriage might be the one place where she feels she can have her say.

Excellent observations.   

Look for areas where she might be feeling insecurity, and work with them.  Don't be lazy!

[Doll]

She says we need to go get new mattress,take more pictures together,etc.I just wonder if she loves me why does she treat me like this?

[esprit]

Im new here but had 17 years with a Polish woman who insisted that if i reall y loved her Id put everything in joint names. I did and Im still paying for it having had to buy her a house to keep the family home!!!
      However, I dont begrudge this since it was not all doom and gloom!!! But when my sons recently went to Poland to attend their cousins wedding they were asked when are they due to get married and they said when i looked what happened to my dad we dont want to!!!!(ie "family law" etc.etc.
       I think its in their phsyche to be bossy since my 2nd wife was the same as well although that involved religion(born again) and not drink!!!!!( The cause of the demise of the first marriage so now Im looking for no.3!!!
       Every where i went (in relation to my first wifes family I found them VERY neat and tidy far more so than myself and soon found out "doing the dishes" really meant a make over!!!
     I.e. wash the floor all the work tops etc. etc.!!! Well up to a point i suppose i needed some disapline in that dept. but after 12 hours working down the channel tunnel didnt feel like doing it!!!!
      No not all the time!!!! but that is the way she was"house proud "as we would call it here, and she was definately an amourous lady (well into the marriage) we produced 4 very level headed and well turned out boys so as i saynot all bad!!
     I agree once married us men who are/were used to the single life should buck up and really be pleased if you have a doting wife (so if the vicar does come to tea theres not a mad rush to get everything tidy!!)(
   the big word is compromise!!!!
So dont knock it ;realise that your not single anymore and that by tradition and nature a woman likes to run the home!! which is fine by me so that i can go fishing and shooting!!!
      Thatrs not to say I didnot "muckin " with cooking dinner on weekends or washing the dishes occassionally, but I suppose thats why were on this site since weve got some problems or other, but Id follow the advice already given on this site and go and seek advice of a councellor (something I never did!!) may save you a lot of heart ache and money in the future, just proves your willing and making them think theyve won !!!!!
       Good luck!
          Take these guys advice!! theres lots of experience on this site to include my own!!!!

[tfcrew]

Separate accounts and anything else "separate" to USCIS is a  BIG RED FLAG   (scam marriage).

 

Joint bank account is sufficient.
 My advice...keep a separate credit card account away from them...just let them use  yours [keep a better eye on it]
 
My wife tells me that the Polish have hated Russians ever since Stalin.
Could be a retro domestic difference?
One should take charge without having to pay counselors.

[groovlstk]

Some women are bossy and any amount of discussion or trying to "man up" and reassert yourself is for nothing.

Roles of a man and a woman in a relationship are things that should be understood well before you get married, I honestly don't understand how something so glaring could slip under the radar.

[JR]

Roles of a man and a woman in a relationship are things that should be understood well before you get married, I honestly don't understand how something so glaring could slip under the radar.

You can't see what you're not looking for

[Sculpto]

While a lot of you guys don't see how he missed his girl being bossy, I can.  I will try to explain...

I am taking a wild guess here.. but my guess is this woman is more than a little conservative and may have never spent the night with the OP before they got married.  During the dating process they would go out to wherever and she just rode along.. There was never an opportunity to see her bossiness until they moved in together.

There is one other possible explanation which is something I am learning from "A".  "A" is BOSSY and also constantly cleaning the house.  Washing the dishes, as someone mentioned, is also washing the counters, the table, the top of the stove and the floor.  She even started on the wall!  I was joking around about "washing windows".. the AM will understand the subtext to that.. anyway.. her response was "good idea, in morning I wash windows"  I had to explain to her I was joking and then explain the whole washing windows thing to her.  She laughed at the end but then asked me who washes the windows in America.  I said.. NO ONE!  She replied she will wash the windows.  I told her she would have to get a ladder because the windows on my place do not open inward.. at that point she gave up on the window thing.

You know what.. a lot of AMs are slobs.  We may not notice it because we are used to it.  But, I think it is in many cases the truth.  I used to get the same criticism from Mexican GFs about Americans not being clean... One Mex GF came from a very very hot place.  When we would go to visit her family everyone would take three or four showers a day.  They thought I was really strange because I didn't want to.  After the third day in that heat I understood why they were always in the shower... the point is.. even though a lot of what these women do seems on the verge of excessive to us, they probably have the right idea and we need to learn to adapt to them in this regard.

As far as counseling.. I do not think you guys need it yet.  I think you need to talk.  If she is silent when you say something.. unlike someone else who said it is ecause she made her mind up I am inclined to think it has more to do with the presentation of the issue.  How are you speaking to her when you rbing up an issue?  Are you calm and logical or are you excited and upset?  If you are the latter you better believe she isn't going to open to your ideas.  On the other hand.. if she is quiet and you are calm to me it signals that you are doing something she finds foolish or ridiculous.  

The other stuff you mentioned.. getting a mattress or taking photos.. what the heck is wrong with that?  Sounds like fun!  Now, if you are the kind of guy that just wants to go to the ballgame or go fishing or hang out with the dudes and her planning is interfering.. well my friend, that is married life!   Every one of my married friends deals with that stuff every single week.. They do not do anything without wifes permission... and I suspect wives do not do anything without husbands permission..

[JR]

I still say that a professioinal will do you both the most good. They will pick up on things you (and we) cannot. And it will land on both sides of the fence. If you both go in with open minds and honestly seek to save/better the marriage it is probably your best bet.