Another noob question...

[Daveman]

...

I will be honest and tell you that if I lived in the US I wouldn't even contemplate international dating with anyone in Europe. I think the system in the US encourages train wrecks for the previously mentioned reasons. Canada, nope wouldn't contemplate it there either.

Well, one thing I do like about the Canadian process is that, from what I understand, they require proof of a one year relationship prior to granting the fiancee' Visa.  I have no idea how they deal with the equivalent of our K-3 spouse visa.  At least two people must be serious about each other to weather a year of long distance dating prior to being able to go for the visa.  Really though, now with the wait times, I guess that is mostly true for the USA as well though not written into the law.

Yes, the 90 day K-1 window as the sole avenue for her to set foot in your house is absolutely stupid.  There should be other ways for a lady to visit the home country/city/house of a possible partner without the pressure of "Marry or get out".

I do find the "arbitrary" interview process to be absolutely a violation of the law.  If the requirements are met, the visa should be granted. Period. It really should not be left up to an individual to disregard the law (which indicates the requirements) and deny a visa based on some hunch, or other purely speculative criteria.  That's an aspect that really bothers me -- when a government worker can disregard the law.  

That being said, well, it is what it is...

[Ade]

Is that not the same as, "I know the pitfalls of alcohol, been there, done that.  Yet someone offerred me a drink so I had it, and this time it is different."
 

Well, I'll admit that I've questioned my sanity several times over the past year. I'll also say that I'm a damn sight wiser after the first time around and know what to expect in the broadest sense.  There's also no way on earth I would have entered into this venture if my fiancée wasn't the most awesome woman.  Of course, I'm in a situation whereby it was possible to spend enough time with her that I could determine that my initial impressions were bang on the mark (no salacious pun intended).

I don't read the other forums, yet I do not see the majority of posters as bad, or whatever it is you are trying to accuse them of.  Then gain, I am not jaded.  Life is a glorious blessing.

I'm not saying they are bad. I'm saying that I do not understand why on earth they are travelling halfway around the world when there are options, better options, closer to home.
Of course the ones that exploit the economic disparity for a a hot bod deserve all that is coming to them.

FWIW, I'm not at all jaded. Old, old pseudonym that means nothing at all.

[Sculpto]

SJ, have you been to the US?

Let me break it down for you as it exists, more or less, here in San Fran...

Take 100 women and lets find out how many are good choices for marriage or serious dating.

First of all eliminate 50 because they are grossly obese.  I mean to the point of a future of serious health problems.  I mean to the point where just getting in and out of a car is difficult.  Please do not think I am exagerating because if anything I am being generous.  The Bay Area supposedly has a better % of non obese women than a lot of other regions which is incredibly scary because I see a lot more very very fat women here than I do women with healthy bodies.

Of the 50 that remain eliminate 25 because they are lesbians.

Of the 25 that remain eliminate 15 because they are sex workers.  (thats where all the girls with nice bodies are and why you never see them on the street)

Of the 10 that remain eliminate 8 because they are already ina relationship.

Of the 2 that remain eliminate 1 because he is butt ugly and has psychological problems.

Of the 1 that remains try and share her with the 100 dudes that are on her ass day in and day out.  Oh and by the way, she isn't that hot, but she thinks she is and all those 100 guys on her ass all the time have given her a sense of entitlement and overinflated ego as to make her actually really unpleasant to be around.

Ok, you think I am exagerating?  Hell no.  I am being generous.  I excluded the girls that have or had addicition problems.  I excluded the girls that are just nutty.  I excluded the career girls who have no intention of being married or remaining in stable relationships.  I excluded the cougars in my age group that wouldn't even consider dating a guy over 25.  I excuded the gold diggers that cruise the bookstores and computer stores in the silicon valley hoping to land the next Sergei Brin.  etc.. etc.. etc.. 

The reality is to find one single nice girl who will date me in the SF Bay area I need to weed out close to 1000.  And even then I still have crap loads of competition.

It is probably not as bad in some other parts of the country, but, it is far from great. 

I want you to try and grasp how incredible an experience it was on my first trip to Ukraine.  I had become so JADED by women having a lousy aggresive and unfriendly attitude here in SF that I basically had stopped even looking at them.  A pretty girl walking down the street was not someone to smile at and say hello, but rather someone to ignore lest I face another bitch making ugly faces and telling me to leave her alone.  So, there I was sitting on the bench in the center of Donetsk and I couldn't help looking at the pretty girls.  I smiled at one.  She smiled back, came over and asked to join me on the bench.  When she realized I am American she stayed and talked with me for almost three hours until she had to go to class.  We remain friends to this day.

In your jaded outlook stating that we go because we can leverage 20 year yonger women with our money and lifestyle, I have to absolutely disagree with you in my own case.  My GF can find a Russian guy with a lot more money than I have, and, probably a lot younger.  But, my "leverage" is that I actually listen to her.  My leverage is that I actually encourage her in her career choice.  My leverage is she knows I will not cheat on her.  My leverage is that I make her feel important to me, because she is.  I can not offer her an extravagent lifestyle.  I can not offer her Brad Pitt looks.  I can only offer my my heart with real sincerity.  That, so far, seems to be more than enough and something she has not been able to find from anyone else.

So, please do not attempt to degrade everyone with your generalization.

[Aloe]

SJ, have you been to the US?

Let me break it down for you as it exists, more or less, here in San Fran...

Take 100 women and lets find out how many are good choices for marriage or serious dating.

First of all eliminate 50 because they are grossly obese.  I mean to the point of a future of serious health problems.  I mean to the point where just getting in and out of a car is difficult.  Please do not think I am exagerating because if anything I am being generous.  The Bay Area supposedly has a better % of non obese women than a lot of other regions which is incredibly scary because I see a lot more very very fat women here than I do women with healthy bodies.

Of the 50 that remain eliminate 25 because they are lesbians.

Of the 25 that remain eliminate 15 because they are sex workers.  (thats where all the girls with nice bodies are and why you never see them on the street)

Of the 10 that remain eliminate 8 because they are already ina relationship.

Of the 2 that remain eliminate 1 because he is butt ugly and has psychological problems.

Of the 1 that remains try and share her with the 100 dudes that are on her ass day in and day out.  Oh and by the way, she isn't that hot, but she thinks she is and all those 100 guys on her ass all the time have given her a sense of entitlement and overinflated ego as to make her actually really unpleasant to be around.

Ok, you think I am exagerating?  Hell no.  I am being generous.  I excluded the girls that have or had addicition problems.  I excluded the girls that are just nutty.  I excluded the career girls who have no intention of being married or remaining in stable relationships.  I excluded the cougars in my age group that wouldn't even consider dating a guy over 25.  I excuded the gold diggers that cruise the bookstores and computer stores in the silicon valley hoping to land the next Sergei Brin.  etc.. etc.. etc.. 

The reality is to find one single nice girl who will date me in the SF Bay area I need to weed out close to 1000.  And even then I still have crap loads of competition.

It is probably not as bad in some other parts of the country, but, it is far from great. 

I want you to try and grasp how incredible an experience it was on my first trip to Ukraine.  I had become so JADED by women having a lousy aggresive and unfriendly attitude here in SF that I basically had stopped even looking at them.  A pretty girl walking down the street was not someone to smile at and say hello, but rather someone to ignore lest I face another bitch making ugly faces and telling me to leave her alone.  So, there I was sitting on the bench in the center of Donetsk and I couldn't help looking at the pretty girls.  I smiled at one.  She smiled back, came over and asked to join me on the bench.  When she realized I am American she stayed and talked with me for almost three hours until she had to go to class.  We remain friends to this day.

In your jaded outlook stating that we go because we can leverage 20 year yonger women with our money and lifestyle, I have to absolutely disagree with you in my own case.  My GF can find a Russian guy with a lot more money than I have, and, probably a lot younger.  But, my "leverage" is that I actually listen to her.  My leverage is that I actually encourage her in her career choice.  My leverage is she knows I will not cheat on her.  My leverage is that I make her feel important to me, because she is.  I can not offer her an extravagent lifestyle.  I can not offer her Brad Pitt looks.  I can only offer my my heart with real sincerity.  That, so far, seems to be more than enough and something she has not been able to find from anyone else.

So, please do not attempt to degrade everyone with your generalization.

define psychological problems.. 1 guy told me i have psychological problems cuz i wouldn't wanna touch myself in some place, if i didnt wash my hands beforehand lol. and then he stopped talking to me. very funny. he was from SF by the way, which makes me wonder what would be your take on the men in that area (like you described women).
Sergei Brin rocks btw ! Did you see his wife? He could get the hottest girl in the world, but he went for inner qualities

[Sculpto]

Aloe.. you ask a good question.

The men of SF are not always the greatest bunch either.  First of all you have this terribly unbalanced gender situation which makes a lot of men behave badly.  Plus there is the Gay thing.  There are a lot of guys who get "serviced" by gay guys, yet, would never consider themselves gay.  They do it because they can't get anything else and supposedly it takes the edge off when they go out to clubs or bars to try and meet women.  I have my doubts about that...

Ultimately the real Alpha guys still get girls even in these difficult circumstances.  They tend to treat women very badly.  this reinforces the negative views a lot of women have about men in general and makes it even harder for guys that do not have hollywood looks or multi million dollar penthouse condominiums.

SF is the "end of the line" for a lot of people.  The misfits and freaks from all over come here.  This makes our culture bizarre at times, but, is also why this is the place where so much innovation and invention takes place.  On the one hand the social misfits atually fit in here.. on the other hand they are still social misfits.  Fashion, culture, society all march to their own very unique mix that outsiders either find weird or very interesting.  Typically people are not passive about SF.. they either love it or hate it.

As far as psychological problems.. I am talking about real things like bi-polar disorder, clinical depression, consequences of overuse of psychotropic drugs like E and LSD, other addiction issues which could be drugs or sex, remants of childhood sex abuse, rape survivors and so on.

I lived with a woman for 5 years in the 90's.  The first year was good but then "issues" started coming up.  She was gettng drunk a lot.  She was abusive to ANYONE or ANYTHING that took my attention away from her.  She started to have some very specific sexual fetishes which were at first fun but as they escalated started to become not only unhealthy but dangerous. 

By the third year I suspected very strongly she was an incest survivor and I confronted her very gently about it.  She denied it categorically.  But, the entire year following she became more and more withdrawn and her fetish started to get really out of control. 

By the 4th year I asked her again and she finally admitted it.  her older brother had been abusing her for years.. her sister was victimized also.  None of them had ever talked about it, confronted it, gone to counselling.. all of them were having major relationship problems.  I told her to get help or I would leave her because it was beyond my ability. 

Another year passed and she did nothing, but, her fetish had gone way beyond the point where I even wanted to participate.  I won't even try to explain some of the crazy sheet she did to get me mad at her so I would do things she wanted me to do....  You really don't want to know and I promise no one here could even imagine. 

Finally, I broke up with her.  It took her another year of exploring her fetish with strangers and nearly getting killed to seek help.  We remained friends and I always tried to help her as she went through her therapy and tried to get her life together.  I bailed her out of two very abusive situations that were on the verge of becoming violent and had to physically confront men who were "in love" with her but she wanted to break up with.

Finally she married an Indian here on an H1B workers visa.  She disappeared for several years.. last I spoke with her was in 2002, but, I just got a letter from her on Facebook literally last week.  I will find out soon enough how her H1B marriage went.

So, for someone like me who is relatively normal, relatively stable, and wants to have a relatively normal life and family.. I really don't have a choice.  I either leave the city I love to search elsewhere in this country with many of the same negatives that exist here.. or I search outside the country someplace where the demographics and culture if not giving me an advantage at least level the playing field.  Asia is not an option for me because I feel too disconnected culturaly and I have already lived in and tried Latin America.  I could very easily go back to Latin America if for some reason things fall through with my RGF.  But, I don't think that will happen.  It might, but not very likely.  And frankly.. the GCG risk from LA is imho much greater than it is from Russia.  Ukraine or Kazakstan might be closer to the LA scenario, but, even then the patriotism of the FSU is much stronger than it is in LA.

[Aloe]

wow, from your posts, i'd never wanna live there, but from the pictures i've seen, it's so beautiful there..

[Misha]

I lived with a woman for 5 years in the 90's.  The first year was good but then "issues" started coming up.  She was gettng drunk a lot.  She was abusive to ANYONE or ANYTHING that took my attention away from her. 

Hmmmm..... Why does this sound familiar? Too bad there isn't a scatching head smiley  I don't know Sculpto, it seems like there is a pattern here. Didn't your contract with you gf stipulate that she could drink as much as she wanted just as long as she paid for the booze?

[Sculpto]

wow, from your posts, i'd never wanna live there, but from the pictures i've seen, it's so beautiful there..

Aloe.. there are lots of good people here also.. it just takes a lot of time for a new person to find them.  It is a transient city.. young people come here to try and "make it" and they don't always succeed.  All the people I was friends with when I first came here 20 years ago are gone, but, I know have really good friends who are reliable.  It just took a lot of effort to get past the BS and flakes and weirdos.

[Sculpto]

Hmmmm..... Why does this sound familiar? Too bad there isn't a scatching head smiley  I don't know Sculpto, it seems like there is a pattern here. Didn't your contract with you gf stipulate that she could drink as much as she wanted just as long as she paid for the booze?

No.  In fact there was a very detailed discussion regarding the very story I just told.  My current GF can drink if she wants, but, I will not accept all out drunken behavior.  She has assured me, and i believe her, that she drinks for relaxation not escape and she does not get puking drunk ever.  From what I saw when I was with her I have no reason to doubt her.  She sips..  unlike my x who would go to the bar, manipulate guys for free drinks.. come home at 4 am and try to get me angry so I would get aggressive with her.  If you are genuinely interested in the details of the dramas she created you can send me a PM. 

[Misha]

My current GF can drink if she wants, but, I will not accept all out drunken behavior. 

Good. I hope you don't mind my being hard on you. You seem like a genuinely nice guy, I would not want to see you get hurt in the future.

[Sculpto]

Misha, I figured that out a long time ago.  I actually appreciate your "tough love" approach.  I wouldn't keep responding to you if I didn't have respect for the flaws you point out.

I want to tell you something that happened yesterday that I didn't expect.  Since "A" got back from burying her Father in Armenia she has been better.  Relieved would be a good word for it.  But, at the same time she started to get very stressed out about the fact that due to the crisis her usual sources of revenue from her writing were drying up.  She has been ok but i started to see some of the negativity starting again and I was not about to continue going through what I went through since last December.  I was and am at the point of "enough is enough".  She needs to be positive and be good to herself and me.

Anyway, we had some difficulties with the phone, she didn't have internet access, and communication suffered.  I started to have a lot of doubts.  That went on for a few weeks.  then she was sick for a few days and when she was in bed sick and "M" was away in Pskov she got real sweet with me.  I was suprised because she hadn't spoken in that sweet voice in a long time.

Finally yesterday we both had time to chat without disruptions.  "M" was there also.  For the first time in a long time she was playful, funny, making constant jokes, and yet serious at the same time.  For example she kept showing me her ring and kissing the ring and blowing kisses to me through the cam.  It was an awesome chat.  I saw again for the first time in a long time why I fell in love with this girl.  She explained to me, and I know her "forma de ser" way of being.. she has been on GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO for weeks now trying to make ends meet.  This is a young lady that is accustomed to making very decent money, and amazing money for someone her age.  She is focused and determined and I am proud of her for her efforts.  The situation is so bad now with her usual sources that she is writing on spec for submission sites.  She is even writing in English for US based submission sites.  I am proofreading for her and correcting her translations.  I am impressed that her work doesn't need very much correction.. just a few word choice and grammar changes and a good run through the spell check.  I just did the first article for her and submitted it.. it will be interesting to see if it is picked up.

Despite the negativity that some have tried to ram down my throat about my GF, I think she is really an amazing young lady with a very bright future.  Every single time there has been a legitimate doubt with her at the end of the day she has come through with the right answers and actions to back them up.  If "trust but verify" is the mantra, she keeps herself in check and does the right thing every time.  She is either the best fake the world has ever known or she is 100% for real.

If she hated Russia and I was super rich she would have reason to be faking. 

Patience is really important in this. 

Anyway, lets not hijack CR's thread.  I hope there is something useful for him in what I just posted.

[Ade]

Ok, you think I am exagerating?  Hell no.  I am being generous. 

Seriously dude, lay off those shrooms.