Why not an "Older" FSUW?

[JR]

Another one of my personal reasons for not seeking an FSUW my own age is that I can attract an AW equal to most any to be found around the world. The main difference between the two is that the AM women usually are well off finacially, owning thier own business and homes.
The problem I have found with AM is that most of them have raised their children and now wish to attend to themselves, not start raising another child (I have primary custody of my two year old daughter). Or they don't wish to relocate. I find nothing wrong with this but it does conflict with where I am at in my own life. Currently I won't leave Ventura County due to legal issues regarding my daughter.

[Gator]

The problem I have found with AM is that most of them have raised their children and now wish to attend to themselves, not start raising another child (I have primary custody of my two year old daughter). Or they don't wish to relocate. I find nothing wrong with this but it does conflict with where I am at in my own life.

Has this been a problem because RW with adult children will feel the same?  My experience is that many of the RW with young children are not really interested in the man's children even though they want the man to be attentive to their child. 

I guess you should concentrate on young RW with young children and who really wanted a common child.  I recall that AJ was widowed and had a young boy when he married his UW.  His marriage has done well, and they have not had a common child.

[JR]

I don't know Gator. People can say anything they want or believe the other person wants to hear. Finding the truth is sometimes difficult. Most everyone I have contact with says "I will love your child like my own." Saying that is one thing, living it is another. I can go either way with having another child but the one I have is more important to me than anything else at this point in time.
I don't have any experience with RW having older children. My biggest fear is that they'll get here and hate it. Then they become a rebellious teenager. Man, who needs the drama!

[ECOCKS]

I'll share up something my wife would probably freak over if she knew I posted on a public forum.

A few weeks ago my youngest child and I were talking over lunch about what he wanted for his future. He said his current GF was fun to be with but was just way too unstable to consider for a wife, his job was okay but he endured it rather than enjoying it and he had no reason to even be where he was except a few years ago he thought his GF would work out as his long-term relationship.

I thought for a few minutes and then told him if he wanted to change his life, I would let him come to our home to return to college, find a new career or prepare to join the military. We finished lunch and a little later that evening (after my wife woke up) I told my wife that I had offered him that choice. She went absolutely still and cold. When I asked what was wrong she asked why I thought it was okay to invite him without talking with her first. I pointed out that we had deliberately selected a 7 bedroom house in order to consolidate our family and establish a base for other family members to come over to the US and establish themselves. For this reason I could see nothing different from my stepson bringing his fiancee over within the next year. That had been fully discussed and I had never even remotely questioned supporting our children in every way we could. She insisted it was "different" and meant that I was not consulting her on major decisions.

I quietly pointed out that my sons were no different than her son and we were all in this together.

The next day she told me that she was blinded at first by the thought that I was doing this. In the FSU divorces almost always result in the mother raising the children and ultimately allowing them to live with her until they get established. She was simply unable to equate my position with hers since her first reaction was he should be returning to my ex-wife's home to regroup and sort out his life. She remarked that when she considered it, I had never questioned Yuri living with us and had put her mother on our insurance program without thinking there would be a question about it so maybe this was how I (or Americans) defined their family responsibilities.

So, maybe a gender roles/behavior thing. Maybe a cultural thing. Maybe just personalities and not an indicator of a typical behavior by her or me. However, it does lend a bit of credence to Gator's prediction although not supporting that they are not really interested due to some negative or selfish reason. Could it just be a learned behavior from their society/culture?

[Gator]

I can go either way with having another child but the one I have is more important to me than anything else at this point in time.

And this should be your priority now.  And it will remain so until you meet that one woman who makes you want to add her to your little family, and perhaps another child or two.  

After my divorce, my younger son stayed with me.  He was 17 going on 14, with a couple of major issues, and very upset by the divorce.  Looking back, I am so glad that I was there for him even though it constrained my plans.

I don't have any experience with RW having older children. My biggest fear is that they'll get here and hate it. Then they become a rebellious teenager. Man, who needs the drama!

Teenagers would tell you that they hate it even though they might like it.  Teenagers are hormonally impaired and not really responsible for what they say.  With teenagers I do have the occasional thought that humans should be allowed to eat their young.

[Gator]

ECOCKS,

A profound thought.  You are a good family man, and it does amaze those RW who had a less than ideal husband.   

[ECOCKS]

I don't have any experience with RW having older children. My biggest fear is that they'll get here and hate it. Then they become a rebellious teenager. Man, who needs the drama!

Your daughter is 2 now? Buddy, you're in for a ride starting in about 11 years. As I told you before, when you are older how will you cope with your own when they go through the various rebellious stageS? What makes you think your teenager will be any different?

As Gator says, there are times it would be good to have an alternative to raising them. Still you love them and persevere.

Times to loook forward to:

That first brush with the police.

The guys who date them and the way you'll see them looking at her sometimes.

The cliques they get in and the "drama" that results.

When they get serious about a guy and start talking about when they can move out.

Calls from the school office.

Comments like these from other parents.

Batten down the hatches JR, you're going to take on some water.

[ECOCKS]

ECOCKS,

A profound thought.  You are a good family man, and it does amaze those RW who had a less than ideal husband.   

I appreciate that thought and the ego boost that goes with it.

Unfortunately, I am not an ideal husband, just one who does everything he can to try to be.

[JR]

With teenagers I do have the occasional thought that humans should be allowed to eat their young.

LOL, so true....

[JR]

Your daughter is 2 now? Buddy, you're in for a ride starting in about 11 years. As I told you before, when you are older how will you cope with your own when they go through the various rebellious stageS? What makes you think your teenager will be any different?

She most likely won't be any different. I however will be. I will be able to recall times such as the first time she looked up into my eyes as I held her and laid her head upon my shoulder, I cried...you don't lose things like that.
I find myself never being prepared. Each day is a new revelation. I am rediscovering anew everything she is discovering for the first time. Wouldn't trade it for anything.

[ECOCKS]

Of course, but that doesn't address the issue that while you may postpone the teenage years you're not going to avoid them, merely postpone them. Your point might be that if a teen step-child rebells on you that you won't be tempered by these loving memories and tender moments shared. All I am saying is that I regard the reason of not wanting the possibility of a teenager's rebellion in your home as not holding any water.

Please don't take that as a slap from a distance, I would tell the same thing to a buddy over beers at the local pizza joint.

[Aloe]

I don't know Gator. People can say anything they want or believe the other person wants to hear. Finding the truth is sometimes difficult. Most everyone I have contact with says "I will love your child like my own." Saying that is one thing, living it is another. I can go either way with having another child but the one I have is more important to me than anything else at this point in time.
I don't have any experience with RW having older children. My biggest fear is that they'll get here and hate it. Then they become a rebellious teenager. Man, who needs the drama!

at 1 point i was talking and seriously considering a guy with 6!!!!! little children. And i was seriously ready to try and raise them lol. Looking back now, probably not too realistic, but if i ended up with that guy, i'd definitely try my best to treat those children like my own, besides they looked like little angels, soooo incredibly beautiful But he could never find an opportunity to come visit me (surprise surprise!!). so there.

[Aloe]

the biggest problem i see with treating somebody's children as your own is their real mother interfering all the time and always reminding you they are not yours. Now if she was absent, then it would be easier

[Gator]

Times to loook forward to:

That first brush with the police.

The guys who date them and the way you'll see them looking at her sometimes.

The cliques they get in and the "drama" that results.

When they get serious about a guy and start talking about when they can move out.

Calls from the school office.

One of my biggest moments was their getting into the car alone for the first time and saying, "See you later Dad!"  Another is watching them leave home for the university -brings a small tear of pride.

By raising two sons I spent a lot of time at soccer, baseball, football, and b-ball games.  Having a stepdaughter I now realize what I was missing by not having a girl:  sitting near the front row at her recital and keeping a big smile while she misses every third note.

 

[GoodOlBoy]

.....I thought for a few minutes and then told him if he wanted to change his life, I would let him come to our home to return to college, find a new career or prepare to join the military.

.....a little later that evening (after my wife woke up) I told my wife that I had offered him that choice. She went absolutely still and cold. When I asked what was wrong she asked why I thought it was okay to invite him without talking with her first.

I am sure every family has different dynamics, BUT....My wife would have the same reaction.

I have no doubt in my mind that if I invited my Daughter (in her late 20's) back into "our home" without consulting Marina first, things would definitely get still and cold. 


GOB

[KenC]

Come on guys, let's be honest here.  The real answer to:
Why not an "Older" FSUW? is because we don't have to!

 

[Blues Fairy]

the biggest problem i see with treating somebody's children as your own is their real mother interfering all the time and always reminding you they are not yours. Now if she was absent, then it would be easier

Unless their mother purposely sets them against you, there's no obstacle to forming a good relationship with the step-children without overtaking their mother's role.  One just has to practice emotional intelligence and be genuinely interested in their lives.

[OlgaH]

the biggest problem i see with treating somebody's children as your own is their real mother interfering all the time and always reminding you they are not yours. Now if she was absent, then it would be easier

I agree with Blues Fairy, and also a woman's such behavior can be a clear indicator what role she gives her man: does she see him as a partner in her life including her child/children upbringing or she sees him just as a provider of material welfare for her and her children.