Out of the blue

[aventino68]

Ok, so 6 trips to the Ukraine, living with a girl and her daughter in a rented apt for a couple of weeks each time. We get on really well over the past 6 months, she happily leaves me with her young daughter, I have a son a similar age so it's all good. We chat every day and skype, I organise her Visa and all details for her move over to stay with me. Give her as much info as I can and it is all going really well. Next trip is meeting her parents and sorting a wedding venue out. She gets jealous if i so much as smile at any RW while I'm in country. We are living together, making plans for her move to be with me.

She has a short holiday with her parents last week and texts last night to say "we don't have a future, it's over."

Stunned. Never saw it coming.

Was I asking too much to think the parents would let their daughter and grandaughter come live with me?

[Shadow]

Hard to say without any details.

There are many possibilities.

1. Parents have read (as most do) the horror stories of forced prostitution, wife beaters etc, and decided that if they can not be near they do not allow.
2. She has gotten 'cold feet'.

There for some questions.

1. You say 'next trip', does that mean that during the previous 6 trips you never met her parents ?
2. You lived in a rented apartment, does she live with her parents ?
3. During this time, did you send her money ?
4. Have you been talking with other women recently ?

[GoodOlBoy]

Hello Aventino68.

If you don't mind me asking......How old is this woman?

Where is the little girls father?

Is he OK with this (taking his daughter away)?

Following up on one of Shadows questions:

During your 6 visits with her and her daughter, did you ever meet/socialize/party with any of her "close" friends or were you three alone most of the time?


GOB

[kievstar]

Why are you smiling at other RW in front of her?  This is not normal to do in Russia.  Maybe your behavior in front of her parents was discussed?

More details would be helpful.  But you must have done something.

[Bluebell]

She has a short holiday with her parents last week and texts last night to say "we don't have a future, it's over."

Sounds as if she had had holiday with another suitor, not with parents...

[Gator]

Aventino,

Sorry to learn about your experience.  Such is typical behavior for a RW when they decide the relationship is over.  They vaporize, and I would not expect her to change her mind.  I do think you deserve an explanation, yet it is 50-50 that she will talk with you.

Why are you smiling at other RW in front of her?  This is not normal to do in Russia. 

Not only is it not normal, it is bad.  

Are you Italian (based on your name Aventino)?  Italian men smile at pretty women.  Its an involuntary action.  I recall walking around Italy with my ex-fiancee, ex-model.  She had panache as well as ethereal beauty.  Many a handsome man gave her a big smile.  Her responding look was priceless and something I have trouble capturing in words, yet here goes:  

She ignored them by turning her head the other way with nose in the air and long legs parading.  There was something else.  Before turning her head, she gave them an indirect, quick look that said, "This is my street. I own this place.  You are unworthy to even look at me."  His smile would disappear, and be replaced usually by something that could be interpreted as, "Bitch!"  

She expected 100% attention from me, nothing less.  And she reciprocated in kind.  

Smiling at other women is not part of the equation.  RW give a lot of weight to actions rather than words, even small actions.

[aventino68]

Hi all, thanks for your thoughts. I suppose I just thought because I have a child and wanted to be sure about "us" before I introduce him to her I figured she would be the same. So me being with the daughter as well was special. I see some red flags here, I chatted with her friends but never met any of them. We stayed in Lugansk though she lived in Severodonesk. We decided that we'd meet each other's parents if it was serious and I think I pushed it all a little too much. She was living with her parents.

Maybe it wasn't ever going anywhere, I never gave her any money except for airfares to get her from Lugansk to kiev when we stayed in kiev. I wasn't meaning I was flirting, she just used to hold my hand and stand close like she wanted the other women to know I was with her. That sort of thing.

On reflection possibly she had another suitor this week is the best explaination and decided to cut her losses with me now. Nothing else makes sense. She was 25 and I'm 40 but she was the oldest RW I could find with a young child, in 6 months of looking. The father isn't interested in her child as it turns out.

I had proposed to her so my intentions with her were clear. I'll repeat, i never used to flirt I'm just saying I used to get the feeling she wanted me for her and was possessive. Sorry if I poorly explained myself. And no I'm not Italian.

Now I get a email from her saying can we keep in touch and see how things are in a month or two   maybe the other suitor won't work out? Strange week indeed.

[GoodOlBoy]

I chatted with her friends but never met any of them.

Red Flag

We decided that we'd meet each other's parents if it was serious and I think I pushed it all a little too much. She was living with her parents.

Never met her parents during the 6 trips??.....Big Red Flag

I am curious about your statement.

How can she "meet" your parents?

Now I get a email from her saying can we keep in touch and see how things are in a month or two   maybe the other suitor won't work out?

Tread VERY lightly here, she might be a very "busy" lady.

You are probably #2 or #3 on her "list" of suitors.

KIEVSTAR....Can you help him out here (maybe you know her)??


GOB

[Dave13]

Sorry for your problem, but I would move on, RW want a strong man and if you allow her to make you number 2 or 3 on the list, your not strong. Not meeting the parents in six visits was a major red flag, on my second visit my wife introduced me to her family.

Dave

[aventino68]

Wow, ok thanks for that. I will move on and hopefully be the wiser. I am amazed how easily I dropped everyone else I was chatting with 6 months ago because I thought this was going well.

She would come over to stay with me for 12 months and I would organise my parents to come over and meet her was my plan for her meeting my parents.

Guys I know it's all wrong and you're telling me to be stronger but I feel like I was as strong as I could possibly be and pushed the relationship as fast as I thought it would go.

Still can't believe how easily she let me form a bond with her daughter when the relationship was meaningless to her.

[mies]

We decided that we'd meet each other's parents if it was serious and I think I pushed it all a little too much.

what do you mean?

[aventino68]

I mean I was all about marriage and children and decorating a room for her daughter and getting her organised for moving to be with me. As we spoke daily, I freaked when her phone got lost and she disappeared off the radar last week and actually thought something might have happened to her. I wondered if I shoud have backed off a little and not been so keen on her.

Ok, third red flag was she still had her profile up on Origin after I proposed to her. That aint too committal and yet i thought maybe she is worried I will dump her and wants to wait until visa etc are sorted? Who knows. 

[GoodOlBoy]

Ok, third red flag was she still had her profile up on Origin after I proposed to her.

Hey Aventino68.

Start looking for another FSUW.

Your probably a nice guy, But.....If you feel something painful on your backside, it is her feet walking all over you!

OMG.....This is the BIGGEST RED FLAG of them all !!!


GOB

[Sculpto]

Aventino if you really want to know what is going on I can get you in touch with someone reliable in Lugansk.  But, I would agree with the others.. its over and you should run away from her. 

BTW.. from what i have heard.. Lugansk is paradise compared to Severodonetsk.  Kiev, any info on that?

[Gator]

I suppose I just thought because I have a child and wanted to be sure about "us" before I introduce him to her I figured she would be the same.

Good.  You should be sure.  Being sure is not so easy when wooing RW.

We stayed in Lugansk though she lived in Severodonesk. We decided that we'd meet each other's parents if it was serious and I think I pushed it all a little too much. She was living with her parents.

As GOB noted, big red flag.  Any RW who liked me wanted to introduce me to her family.  My wife introduced me within our first 24 hours together.  OTOH, you did meet her young daughter and spent a lot of time with her.  This is a green flag.

Maybe it wasn't ever going anywhere, I never gave her any money except for airfares to get her from Lugansk to kiev when we stayed in kiev.

You should never give money until you are 100% exclusive and headed towards marriage.  However, you were exclusive and you had proposed.   Although some men will argue otherwise, at that point I feel it is reasonable (and perhaps expected) that you offer to help a RW.  A single mom living with her parents in the economically depressed region of Lugansk could use some help unless she had a high paying job.   By not offering, it shows that you are not sympathetic to her situation.  By not asking, she showed that she has some class.

On reflection possibly she had another suitor this week is the best explaination and decided to cut her losses with me now. Nothing else makes sense.

Such is mere speculation.  There are other possible explanations, one being that she did not know if she could depend upon you.


Now I get a email from her saying can we keep in touch and see how things are in a month or two

You should call her.  How’s her English?  If not very good, use an RW interpreter

For some odd reason (I am not well trained in IT) I can no longer cut and paste nor use commands such as quote.  Oh well.....Had other advice....Others will help you......Hope it works out.

[HiTech]

Sorry to her the news, must have been a big gut shot.

I have a few questions, just because how you wrote leaves time line questions, and other open items.

You have been to Ukraine 6 times, when was your first trip, how many of the 6 trips were to see this woman? And how long ago did you meet this woman?

It is not clear to me, if you were planning on meeting her parents or all ready did?

One piece of advise, you are in a huge crap shoot if you are dating some one younger than 28 or so. The age difference is not the problem, but a young woman knowing exactly what she wants is a problem with some one 25.

As we spoke daily, I freaked when her phone got lost and she disappeared off the radar last week and actually thought something might have happened to her.

Reading this tells me , there is not any use in continuing. If you were speaking every day, and she really lost her phone, she would have emailed you, or text messaged you with someone's phone knowing you would worry.

Do not beat yourself up on why, only ask your self, what did you ignore in your relationship that you can see more clearly next time, and sooner.

HITech

[Ranetka]

I think the OP needs stop speculating and ask her. If I were you I would right a long email thanking for a time you had together. I would explained how serious you were, what plans you made and how commted you were, and said that you never thought something was wrong between you two. And asked her to explain what are the reasons. Providing you are not agressive and bitter although I understand it can be difficult more chances she will say why. Then you will know.

[Sculpto]

I think the OP needs stop speculating and ask her. If I were you I would right a long email thanking for a time you had together. I would explained how serious you were, what plans you made and how commted you were, and said that you never thought something was wrong between you two. And asked her to explain what are the reasons. Providing you are not agressive and bitter although I understand it can be difficult more chances she will say why. Then you will know.

Ranetka.. its good advice.. but.. do you really think she will respond?  For her its already in the past and you know how that is...

On the other hand.. it can be a stupidly immature test to see how serious he really is.. will he "convince/persuade"...

[OlgaH]

On the other hand.. it can be a stupidly immature test to see how serious he really is.. will he "convince/persuade"...

In such case he must be happy she did not ask him to jump from the 9th floor.   

[aventino68]

Yes I can see that continuing a relationship while still on a dating site is a red flag but there have been some of her friends who have dated for months only to find the guy suddenly changes his mind. I am clutching at straws here.

I tried to get her to explain but she isn't talking to me on skype anymore or returning my SMS or text messages. i doubt she would think I proposed to a dozen women as well as her but I will see if I can get some answers. I am stuck until July on a 2 month course at work while changing aircraft so maybe the wait is too long.

Will try to get some answers from her but I won't hold my breath, just glad she only chatted wih my son on Skype as he doesn't need to go through this as well.

Answers were I did 4 of the 6 trips specifically to see this woman, couldn't get to Lugansk first couple of times. I was planning to meet her parents and never did, that was planned for next trip in July though i had chatted with them on skype and sent her mum flowers on their wedding anniversary.

Hi tech I see your point but I have looked through about 1200 women and I thought they had to have a child under 6 to fit in with mine and I really fell for this one.  Maybe I am wrong there too, I really want more children and don't know if that scares them away.

[GoodOlBoy]

I think the OP needs stop speculating and ask her.

I agree.

If you are a GLUTTON for punishment. 


GOB

[Ranetka]

Ranetka.. its good advice.. but.. do you really think she will respond?  For her its already in the past and you know how that is...

On the other hand.. it can be a stupidly immature test to see how serious he really is.. will he "convince/persuade"...

She might answer, she might not. There is no guarantee. But there is no other way to know, no amount of guessing will answer this. He needs to say the truth - that he is extremely upset, that he did not expect it to end, that he is thankful for good time (I hope he is) and needs to know what was the problem because until he knows there is no closure for him.

Is not it better then trying to guess the reason?

GOB< what punishment are you talking about?

[Ranetka]

....And I would suggest email rather then phone call. She will feel less pressurised by email and more likely to give an honest answer.

[Ranetka]

She might answer, she might not. There is no guarantee. But there is no other way to know, no amount of guessing will answer this. He needs to say the truth - that he is extremely upset, that he did not expect it to end, that he is thankful for good time (I hope he is) and needs to know what was the problem because until he knows there is no closure for him.

Is not it better then trying to guess the reason?

GOB< what punishment are you talking about?

I know men do not normally answer questions like this, they in general prefer to disappear to avoid difficult conversations. Women, however often enjoy talking about relationships and explaining how they were mistreated :-)

[GoodOlBoy]

I know men do not normally answer questions like this, they in general prefer to disappear to avoid difficult conversations. Women, however often enjoy talking about relationships and explaining how they were mistreated :-)

Totally Disagree.

FSUW like this usually......poooof !!..... disappear when confronted by an honest man!

Remember Ranetka, he proposed marriage (commitment).


GOB