FSUW and spending money

[Gator]

Why not just have a shared bank account and both partners should participate in the money making decisions like responsible adults.

There are too many decisions.  I do not want to discuss whether it is time for a trip to the hairdresser, manicurist, etc.  How many times she can take horseback riding lessons this month.  Whether she gets her car washed or does it herself.  When she needs new bras or shoes.  What clothes to buy the kids.   Whether to splurge on some French cosmetics.  I trust her to make the correct choices.  I am "allowed"  to ask questions and voice my objection if I observe some inconsistencies.   


She participates in setting a family budget for all cost items based on income and goals (e. g., save money for travel to South America).  Then it is her responsibility to stay within the allocated budget for the sum of her line items.

The key is to agree mutually to a budget (and one for me too), and then implement it.  As I stated before, allocating income is not an easy process.  Her history has been one of uneven cash flow.  If a good month, the family would spend it all.  If it were a bad month, they would eat a lot of cabbage and bread, looking forward to a good month when they could celebrate.

Much depends upon personalities and history.  The bottom line - she is now no more difficult than my ex-wife, and she is still improving while she learns about American spending and my sources of income.   We have been married over one year now, and I see no problems.

[Ade]

In our case I think we looked at the allowance thing as temporary.  It would seem bizarre to me to have her get off the plane and immediately have her worrying about which mutual funds you should have your money in. 

As far as I understand your wife has been there for some time now... If she's as bright as you say I don''t see why she shouldn't be involved in all the money decisions that will eventually effect her.

You used the words money making decisions.  I am assuming you meant money spending decisions. 

Yes, "spending decisions" I guess is closer to the mark or maybe "family budgeting" would be better again.

[Simoni]

As far as I understand your wife has been there for some time now... If she's as bright as you say I don''t see why she shouldn't be involved in all the money decisions that will eventually effect her.

It's just a little bit funny to read unmarried guys giving married guys advice about marriage.  SJ- best to wait and experience it before you get too self-righteous.

[Ade]

It's just a little bit funny to read unmarried guys giving married guys advice about marriage.  SJ- best to wait and experience it before you get too self-righteous.

Silly man. The practicalities of a marriage to a Norwegian and to a Russian are the same. Maybe you should wait until you've married a Norwegian to comment on that?

[Simoni]

Check your profile.  It says you are are not married.  That is what I based my comment on...

[Ade]

Check your profile.  It says you are are not married.  That is what I based my comment on...

Yes, but I was married for 10 years and went through similar international relationship issues as anyone here.

[Simoni]

But was it an international marriage to a RW?

As Gator shared, sometimes money comes in spurts and the girl spends it while she has it.  In such a case, budgets make sense as you get accustomed to life in a different country.

It's different for all of us. In my case, there is no budget and she spends what she wants to.  But that would not work for all girls and in all cases.

[Turboguy]

Frsnkly, I doubt that marriage to two different RW would be exactly the same. Marriage to a Norwegian woman doesn't neccessarily translate. I definately have not been sheilding my wife from finances. As far as the family budget there is nothing to budget. If we want something we get it. Our only two major outlays were her car and her schooling. She picked out her car and her education.

[KenC]

I can understand where the term "allowance" rubs some people the wrong way as it generates thoughts of controlling a child.  However, if you look at giving a fixed amount of money as a form of budgeting, it may be more palatable.  In our case, Lena continued to forget to post her usage of our debit card causing havoc to my record keeping so I found it easier to just give her X amount of cash instead.
KenC

[boaterguy]

I love this one I have never heard it before

LOL, It is actually a topic of discussion on a fashion websight my wife reads!

[boaterguy]

You know, I have to say this "allowance" thing is just jarring to me.

Putting my wife on an "allowance" reminds me too much of what I did to my early teenaged children.

If it works for you guys, that's great. Maybe this is just a "how you were raised" thing.

Everyone's situation is different. My wife never learned financial responsibility and never had the need. She always lived under her mothers wing so to speak. If I turned her loose with a credit card when she 1st arrived I have no doubt she would have used it til she could use it no more!(Hit the credit limit)

[Blues Fairy]

I'm comfortable with the allowance because now that I'm not working and staying at home with the kid most of the time, I don't have much incentive to shop for clothes/shoes/makeup anyway.  I still use lots of what I brought with me from Moscow.  So I even manage to lay aside some money and wire an occasional $100 to the orphanage in Russia I used to help out before I moved here. 

Whenever I shop for the kid or for groceries, I take my husband's debit card, of course. 
I never asked for a joint account and I can perfectly see ourselves using separate accounts till the rest of our lives.

[ECOCKS]

It's probably the set amount that hits wrong or maybe the timing issues associated with an allowance. Spouse maturity certainly has a lot to do with whatever program or style you adopt.

[Blues Fairy]

It's probably the set amount that hits wrong or maybe the timing issues associated with an allowance. Spouse maturity certainly has a lot to do with whatever program or style you adopt.

I can see why it hits wrong, but I can also see why a person who is not working and not bringing income, and not taking care of the bills, should have strict limits set to his/her spending.  The allowance arrangement should not be humiliating unless the receiving party has a huge sense of entitlement and cares nothing about the family's overall budget and well-being.

[ECOCKS]

Aren't you assuming that the other will go out of control? If the two are truly partnered for their relationship, aren't they pursuing what is best for the family rather than a special, shopping spree?

[Sculpto]

I think what Blues is saying is essentially correct.  I know my girl is used to having regular income and at one point before her Father got sick she had quite a bit of money in the bank.  I am pretty sure that is whee the recent indulgence came in because she hasn't spent a penny on herself in a long time.

However. I do have another situation that has come up.  I might actually need to get an interpretor for this one, but, maybe you guys can help me explain this in a way she might understand it.

As you all know I recently was in a car accident.  The insurance company totaled my car.  She asked about it this morning and got upset when she learned the car had been totaled.  I tried to explain how the insurance system works, but, she didn't get it and the conversation ended with her upset, not at me, but at the girl who crashed into me and the system she doesn't understand.  I just couldn't find the right words to explain total loss and assessment of liability.  Thoughts?

[Sculpto]

If someone has denied themselves out of necessity all their lives and are suddenly presented with what appears to be no limit/no consequence access to spending and lots of nice goods isn't reasonable to assume someone might "lose it"?

Soft landings are better than hard ones, no?

[Blues Fairy]

Aren't you assuming that the other will go out of control? If the two are truly partnered for their relationship, aren't they pursuing what is best for the family rather than a special, shopping spree?

Even the best intentions are hard to keep when there are too many financial details to keep in one's head.  Unless I see my online balance it's hard for me to calculate how much more I can afford to spend.  Having access to my husband's balance instead of keeping my own would complicate things for me, not make them easier. 

[KenC]

Aren't you assuming that the other will go out of control? If the two are truly partnered for their relationship, aren't they pursuing what is best for the family rather than a special, shopping spree?

Not really.  It is a simplistic way to handle every day expenses like gas, groceries and miscellaneous expenses.  In our case, if Lena came up short near the end of the week because of unexpected expenses, then more was given.  This also does not stop one from discussing and spending more than "normal."  It also did not stop her from setting aside some left over money for a rainy day either.
KenC

[Muddy]

That is why I set a limit of 3,000 usd a month with my wife and if it goes over that I want to know at a high level what is going on.  I am focused on the big purchases not the small stuff.  But the big items have been for me like a new bed, clothes. I have not found one purchase she has made that was foolish.   She buys clothes and expensive perfume but that is normal. 

Regarding credit card probably will keep her on debit card with maximum 1,000 usd a day withdrawal. 

  But just remember guys a high quality purse is more than 4,000 usd there is not cutting corners here.  So if you say go buy a high quality purse and giver her a open card she may spend 2 weeks in looking but do not expect a 500 usd purse.  a 500 usd purse is not of high quality.  Neither are shoes or jewelry.  500 usd can buy high quality perfume and maybe a bottle of champagne.  High quality clothers are very expensive.  Be careful on words you speak and money given.   

Its not a bad idea to buy love, you should increase her limits then she will love you even more.
Do you think if you were broke she will stay with you or find another man with her usual $3000 spending limit? lol

[Sculpto]

Muddy.. SHHHHHHH.. thank you

[Muddy]

I can understand where the term "allowance" rubs some people the wrong way as it generates thoughts of controlling a child.  However, if you look at giving a fixed amount of money as a form of budgeting, it may be more palatable.  In our case, Lena continued to forget to post her usage of our debit card causing havoc to my record keeping so I found it easier to just give her X amount of cash instead.
KenC

Ok Kenny, you just cannot forget about your Lena. 85.76% ofyour posts are about Lena, I feel sorry for you man because I remember your old posts, you thought she really really loved you. Too bad my man, forget about her and move on kiddo!

[Sculpto]

Muddy, you are off topic.  Please stick to the topic

[Simoni]

Muddy-- that post to KenC was in poor taste.

[KenC]

Ok Kenny, you just cannot forget about your Lena. 85.76% ofyour posts are about Lena, I feel sorry for you man because I remember your old posts, you thought she really really loved you. Too bad my man, forget about her and move on kiddo!

Muddy,
My past relationship and how we handled things is relevant to this and many other discussions here.  Unlike your comments.
KenC