Marriage Counseling in the FSU

[Journeyman]

What are your impressions as to the prevalence or acceptance of the idea of marriage counseling in the FSU countries?

The market for such services there would seem at least equal to the market for such services in the US.  I've observed many couples in the US accessing such services, whether from a psychologist or clergyman.  On the other hand, I recall a convesation with a RW I dated in St. Pete back in 2001, who had wanted to pursue a career in psychology, but then gave it up after she realized that there was virtually no way that people in Russia were going to give up their age-old practice of confiding in friends, rather than seeking help from "strangers."  

What I have observed repeatedly over the years traveling there, is that problems (of all kinds) are not to be shared with strangers.  Perhaps the exception (an abberation?) is some of these new FSU TV shows that encourage this kind of public airing of one's dirty laundry.  I would think that it is usually a good rule to avoid such disclosures, but what if your marriage is on the rocks, and a seemingly helpful professional is available?

Could anyone comment on this, and share their observations?

Thanks.

Journeyman

[BC]

Journeyman,

Yes, a lot of self medication.. including head medicine..

My mother in law has been quite a good soundingboard for both of us when then going gets tough.

I think in the western world psychologists have benefited from families that no longer really interact with each other in meaningful ways because of time and distance.. It's hard to beat the healing power of that ol' kitchen table in RU.

[andrewfi]

Yup, people talk to each other here!

[dostogirl]

Counseling is still considered something bad in Russia, something for "sick people" or "phsychos". I strongly encouraged a friend of mine to go to a counselor back in Russia. She was going through a divorce, but rejected the idea. A lot of people think they can solve all those problems by just speaking to their friends..Too sad, some of those marriages could be saved..

[andrewfi]

If talking to counsellors is regarded as being a yardstick for saving marriages then it is obvious it does not work any better than what people do in Russia. Divorce rates are about the same in the US and Russia.

(Edit: checked, divorce rates higher in the US 5.5/1000 people, Russia 4.3/1000. Conclusion: fire all the marriage 'counsellors' in the US and bring over Misha, Olya, little kitchen tables with plastic table cloths and copious quantities of vodka.)

[Nastya]

A girl I know went to a psychologist when her 2 years relationship with  her boyfriend went to pieces (he was a pathological liar and managed to  have another girlfriend behind her back). And the 'counselling' she  received was pretty much along the lines of "men suck, life isn't fair,  so get used to it! LOL I'd rather talk with a friend than get this kind  of rebuff.

So it's not only about people refusing to go in for counselling - the  quality of the psychologist's help here is leaving a lot to be  desired still.

[Leslie]

Nastya,

Good straight talking Russian therapist -

"men suck, life isn't fair, so get used to it! "

I would add -

"ditch the bum and find someone better"

If you are charging money for advice you dress reality in pleasant language...

I tend to tell it like it is !

Welcome to the board

 

[Admin]

Nastya,

Good straight talking Russian therapist -

"men suck, life isn't fair, so get used to it! "

I would add -

"ditch the bum and find someone better"

If you are charging money for adviceyou dress reality in pleasant language...

I tend to tell it like it is !

Welcome to the board

Spoken like a true Albert Ellis fan, the father of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). I've often referred to it as the "In Your Face" school of psychotherapy.

- Dan

[Nastya]

[size="3"]Nastya,[/size]

[size="3"]Good straight talking Russian therapist -[/size]

[size="3"]"men suck, life isn't fair, so get used to it! "[/size]

[size="3"]I would add -[/size]

[size="3"]"ditch the bum and find someone better"[/size]

[size="3"]If you are charging money for advice you dress reality in pleasant language...[/size]

[size="3"]I tend to tell it like it is ![/size]

[size="3"]Welcome to the board [/size]

Leslie,

First off, thanks for the warm welcome

It actually was a pay-for counselling session. My point was - all that  my friend had already KNOWN before she came to this so-called  professional!! She came after she had already ditched him, and she was  rather seeking help on emotional recovery then an eye-opener to reality  

I see some hard-boiled proffs in psychotherapy on this board!! he-he!!

[dostogirl]

If talking to counsellors is regarded as being a yardstick for saving marriages then it is obvious it does not work any better than what people do in Russia. Divorce rates are about the same in the US and Russia.

(Edit: checked, divorce rates higher in the US 5.5/1000 people, Russia 4.3/1000. Conclusion: fire all the marriage 'counsellors' in the US and bring over Misha, Olya, little kitchen tables with plastic table cloths and copious quantities of vodka.)

How do you know how many from those 5.5/1000 people actually went to a counselor? How many did in Russia among those 4.3/1000?

[dostogirl]

the  quality of the psychologist's help here is leaving a lot to be  desired still.

which country are you talking about?

[andrewfi]

I have no idea, it was not a serious commentary. If it were, I would have posted supporting figures. The point was really that 'talking therapies' are simply a substitute for communication amoung family and friends, not a replacement.

 

[dostogirl]

I have no idea, it was not a serious commentary. If it were, I would have posted supporting figures. The point was really that 'talking therapies' are simply a substitute for communication amoung family and friends, not a replacement.

I see it (counseling) as "help" when communication between family and friends is not possible or not enough due to different reasons. Also when comunication between a husband and wife is not reaching any way out of their problems.

[BC]

I see it (counseling) as "help" when communication between family and friends is not possible or not enough due to different reasons. Also when comunication between a husband and wife is not reaching any way out of their problems.

dostogirl,

True.. I think a bi-lingual counselor with experience living in both countries for extended periods could make a small fortune with AM/RW couples that need assistance of a dictionary for their basic communications.  As with any budding relationship there are enough problems as it is even if both have a common language to rely upon.

I'm sure western counselors even if they were bilingual would have difficulty learning RU 'concepts' such as the need to deny all fault.



 

 

[dostogirl]

True.. I think a bi-lingual counselor withexperience living in both countriesfor extended periods could make a small fortune with AM/RW couples

I was lucky to find a counselor (here, in the US) who actually has been to Russia before and she did a great job helping my husband and I to go through our adaptation period. And she was free! (through my husband's Uni)

[BC]

dostogirl,

Yes sounds like you were indeed lucky. I take it you could at that time speak english and you both were willing to seek support together.

IMHO The adjustment period is TOUGH no matter how compatible the relationship seems.

Not to be nosy, but I think it would be interesting to know if you think your relationship woud have survived this critical period without outside help especially if you were not able to communicate properly with your counselor or husband?

I ask this because the first 18 months here were quite 'intense' here during OUR adjustment period with the added stress of a pregnancy on top of it all..  Luckily my wife had quite good english skills.  A couple 'sessions' on the phone with 'Ma' with my wife translating really helped sort things out.  Professional help here would have been quite 'shakey' since we would have had a third language thrown in, complicating the situation even further. (AM/RW living in Italy)

I really believe we would have had little if no chance at all with only a dictionary between us.

[dostogirl]

dostogirl,

Yes sounds like you were indeed lucky.
Not to be nosy, but I think it would be interesting to know if you think your relationship woud have survived this critical period without outside help especially if you were not able to communicate properly with your counselor or husband?

I was lucky, now I realize it. Also, I speak English pretty well, so it wasn't a problem understanding a counselor. Unfortunately, not all RWs who come here can speak English that well, so I can see how difficult it may be to find a good counselor.
About our relationship and whether it would have survived...hmm..I truly don't know. I can tell that it was extremely difficult for me as well as for my husband. At some point I even went back to Russia and there finally came to an agreement with myself. Even though we talk to each other a lot and if we have a problem we sit down and discuss it, the councelor helped a lot too. I was really surprized at how the counselor showed us different sides of our relationship that I've never thought of. She showed us also some obvious things that somehow we missed or misunderstood in our relationship. It's just amazing how you think that your husband understands what you mean and he really doesn't, but he thinks he does It was kinda difficult for my husband to decide to use counselor's help since he had some bad experiences in his teenage years with counselors, but when he did he really appreciated the help we got.

[Nastya]

the  quality of the psychologist's help here is leaving a lot to be  desired still.

which country are you talking about?[/quote]
I'm in Russia. Talking of Russia