Back from Simferopol

[Simoni]

Thanks Simoni.  I am seriously trying to look at this as the "will only get better" category and give her the benefit of the doubt, changing my way of doing things a little. 

Good girls are hard to find, so don't give up too fast, Dave.  I think you are making the right choice.

[kgh]

Dave,

Thanks for starting this thread.  I appreciate being able to read your ups and downs.  We've all got baggage and seeing how it manifests in current relationships is not easy.  Hopefully, you can see where it's coming from and not let something that has been created and affirmed in the past control your future.  It does sound like there is some potential there and I hope it works out for you (with what ever you decide).

I'm totally interested in your Simferopol adventures.  The woman I'm corresponding with lives there and I can't get enough info on the place.  I'm looking forward to a visit, but at this time it's not scheduled yet.

I look forward to more.

Kenny Hayes

[Daveman]

Hiya Kenny.. Simferopol is a cool little city.  ScottinCrimea would be the resident expert.  I can tell you some must see's.. the drama theatre is very cool. In a couple week span they can have several different productions to choose from.   My favorite restaurant is Silokha, which is right across the street from the huge statue of Lenin in the city center.  Another favorite is Flamingo..  if you are facing Lenin, turn left and walk down the street until you reach a glass pyramid.. on your right will be the BigSpoon supermarket..  to the right of and behind the pyramid will be small wooden door and a small sign for Flamingo (memorize the Russian/Ukrainian alphabet and you'll read these easily) .. it's a upscale eatery with excellent food...    On the other side of the street is Dikanka, which is a decent little restaurant/place to hang out. 

As for my relationship.. ah well... it just became too much drama for my taste.  I do care about the lady, and we parted as friends (I sent her a flower bouquet, thanking her for a wonderful year). But this one really needs to grow up a little before she's truly ready for marriage.   I am sure I wasn't perfect either, so I'll ponder that and become a better man having had this experience.

We still chat on skype, and actually have wonderful and fun conversations and a great time chatting together now that the pressure is off... but there will be no proposal...

So, this is my 4th 'breakup'... and all four seemed to be related to my "draggin' ass" on the K-1. So, I guess there is something to be said for the quick filers, but I just can't do that.  It seems that the moment they decide they "love" you.. everything should be on the fast track or you are deemed not serious and given all kinds a drama hell until you capitulate -- which I never did.. The drama and accusations always made me take a step back, not move forward.

Anyway, such is life. 

[Diplomacy]

Dave:

Wish that things would have worked out for you, it is good to keep looking back and improving.  That is the deciding factor, is this a situation that I can be happy with?  If things get better, then all the better.  I agree Simoni, there are certain aspects that you can discuss, and that can be improved on.

Character is not one of them, and it is such a hard pursuit.  The women are conditioned not to trust anything.  I do not know if this helps anything.  My fiance's parents did not trust the situation fully, and gave good parental advice.  Just be careful, you are a good girl and we do not want you getting crushed.

One thing, she told me about it.  I gave her a ton of credit for that.  I told her that time will prove, that what I said was true.  Time passed and has proven that if anything, I under promised and over delivered.

As the angst of moving to America is stepping up, I said the same thing.  Time proves everything true.  I have done up to this point, what I plan to do for the rest of our lives together.

I am patient with the fact, there is less skeptical questions each month.  I do not not get mad at 5 year old children, that ask why 100 times a day.  The way I look at it, it is not as bad.  In some senses it just that.  A person that is looking at a whole new world and questioning it.

They have no real way of knowing the truth, and that is where love plays the role.  The past actions, only erode the trust issues.  It is not a free pass, in future endeavors.  You can not take it personal.

[Daveman]

I understand what you are saying there Diplomacy, and I do agree that one cannot take some things personally.  For me, though, it's not so much being offended so much as it is a matter of asking myself "is this craziness how I envision my future existence?"  and the answer to that so far has been "No".  My drama threshold might possibly not be high enough for this kind of relationship.  I'm not giving up on the possibility of an RW partner, but I can tell you that the MOST important aspect for me in a relationship is simply "peace"... which from what everyone is saying here, is the LAST thing an RW seems to want.  If a woman cannot give me peace, her ass is out the door and down the street in a big hurry -- regardless of where she's from.

[groovlstk]

Dave, sorry to hear that things went south on this one.

This is late and probably irrelevant, but my experience w/my wife was slightly similar. When we got engaged she loved me and trusted her life in my hands - but that didn't mean she trusted me 100% in other aspects of life.  To my Western mind that seemed ridiculous and occasionally offensive. At the time it seemed very odd to me, but on topics like fidelity and keeping my promises, there was a lot of doubt. It worried me after I filed my K1 but in retrospect it was nothing. When you live with someone day-to-day (assuming they are in good mental health) those issues disappear very quickly.

I hope you're not giving up, patience is your best friend in something like this.

[Chillidog]

So, this is my 4th 'breakup'... and all four seemed to be related to my "draggin' ass" on the K-1. So, I guess there is something to be said for the quick filers, but I just can't do that.  It seems that the moment they decide they "love" you.. everything should be on the fast track or you are deemed not serious and given all kinds a drama hell until you capitulate -- which I never did.. The drama and accusations always made me take a step back, not move forward.

Anyway, such is life. 

Dave,

I would not say that "dragging your ass" as far as filing a K1 is necessarily a bad thing, and that you should look at these 4 breakups as this being the cause. Instead I would look at it as possibily your subconcious just not totally feeling comfortable and looking for a little more time with each of these woman to see "what is what"

I think very often we know it is right "when it is right" and there is no putting a finger on why it is. just the same as there is sometimes no way of putting a finger on why it is not.

some inner reflection is never a bad thing. and will probably lead you to the type of person/woman that is what you are looking for. a woman who you will love with all of her good qualities and you will love with all of her bad qualities. and when you meet this woman you may be shocked on how quickly you acting file the K1.

I've been down I think the exact street your walking now, and 2 years later I feel I may have actually turned the corner and now I maybe looking into the eyes of my future. This woman may still be the "one" your still communicating (more than I can say for the ones in my past) and you may still find that common ground with her. Let the relationship grow naturaly nothing says you have to file a K! within 6 months of the first meeting. and maybe together you both can grow into the people you are searching for

[Makkin]

Dear Daveman,

  Of ALL the people in the search process YOUR the one I want most to find that special woman.

  Okay there I went and gave away my "favorite" for wit,intelligence,humor, and the seriousness not to be too serious and that's you.

Makkin

[SANDRO43]

Dear Daveman,  Of ALL the people in the search process YOUR the one I want most to find that special woman.  Okay there I went and gave away my "favorite" for wit, intelligence, humor, and the seriousness not to be too serious and that's you. Makkin

Daveman, I'll bet you didn't know you have a ready-made back-up plan right here at RWD .

[Diplomacy]

Dave:

You are one of the ones, that I am pulling for.  There is the practical and pragmatic in place.  A life full of empty promises, and yes self induced drama.  I will share some advice from my Grandpa.  A Ukrainian woman can be a siren or you goddess.  Even in the same person.

She will be as apt to give you her last piece of bread, as chew you up and spit you out.  It is not, in a lot of cases the charge of the light brigade.  It is siege warfare of the heart.  The most precious asset they have, is their heart.

In siege warfare, it is who is better supplied.  The longer it goes the more patience and actions erode that wall.  Humor and understanding also erode that wall.  You have humor in plenty, and clearly patience. 

A lot of face time, but is the security and seriousness understood?  When you go longer and longer, the crabs start to pull her back in.  He is not serious, you are more clever than this, you can not eat dreams, why can you not find a good FSU man.  Those a just some examples of what she hears, in some cases.  I just can not help to wonder, if this is the dynamic you are facing over time.

Then they trust you in their mind, but protect their heart.  Some of the women are in uncharted waters, and react in destructive ways.

[kgh]

Daveman, sorry to hear this didn’t seem to work out.  I’m with chilldog, that you might find things turn around it you continue to talk and allow a normal paced relationship to unfold.  No need to shut the door on it being a possibility.   Like the other are saying, a RW, is fighting a personal history and social indoctrination about how bad men are.  Maybe through normal communication she might realize that you follow through with what you say you’ll do.  Starting with the small stuff, right?  “I’ll call you tomorrow.”  Or whatever.

Also, thanks for the Simferopol info!  I have been talking to Scott since he really was/is a resident expert.

“Diplomacy-
Then they trust you in their mind, but protect their heart.  Some of the women are in uncharted waters, and react in destructive ways. “

I really liked that.  I also appreciated you insight to the family perspective and allowing time to prove everything true.
Just got to follow through with what you say consistently to change previously shaped opinions.

[Daveman]

LoL hey Makkin! what's yer sign, man? hehehe thanks for the compliment although Sandro is playing matchmaker, I knew what you meant. Heh

Thanks for the input everyone. Words I will absolutely take to heart and keep in mind for the future.

The funny/strange/best aspect of this is that neither of us want to pursue this relationship, but do want to pursue remaining friends.  We have analyzed our failing relationship together (can you believe that?) and have drawn some interesting information out of each other.  That's an ongoing learning experience in itself.

Sometimes the good is great, but the disagreements can tell you that no matter how good it CAN be, that it's just not meant TO be.  I have no regrets or bad feelings.

The last round of "Spiritual Uprisings" were just too much for both of us and it really killed the desire to  continue on that path for both of us. 

The only people with sad feelings at this point are her parents.  They really wanted us to be together.  One of the most touching moments was after the breakup when her father said to me, "David, you will always be my son." Her mother was a little more slow at the beginning to come around completely, but once she did, she was truly something else.  So, I've learned what it means to be completely accepted into a Russian/Ukrainian family.  I could say a million wonderful things about that but there is no way to truly express it in words. That's something you just have to see and feel for yourself.

So anyway, I'm not giving up on RW and I'm already conversing with a couple so we'll see what happens.  One is a psychologist which is right up my alley (my endless interest in psychoblather).

I think this is one of the few relationships in my life where I really have zero baggage from it.  It happened, it didn't work, and I'm moving forward with a new set of most probably life long friends.  Life is good. 

Dave the Eternal Optimist

[Daveman]

Plus, my consolation prize was that I got the recipe for that killer delicious cherry wine!  Life is even better! heh!

[Gator]

"Hope springs eternal in the human breast"  - you exemplify this fine human trait as much as anyone at RWD has before you. 

I am pleased to see you continue the journey, wiser than ever,

[Daveman]

Thanks Gator,
Some of us are slow learners but I'm coming along.

You know, while I really can't suggest picking a fight with a lady just to test her, I must say that speaking about conflict resolution doesn't really give much real useful information.  "How do you resolve disagreements?" "I like to find compromise.".. sounds sweet and innocent enough.. but good lord is that line ever ambiguous when compared with the ensuing reality. "Finding the compromise" could mean blowing you up with a roadside IED. 

Until you see someone flake out at his/her worst, you really have no idea if you will work together or pull apart.  Compatibility does include a similar nature for resolution. 

[Makkin]

Daveman,

  You "Will" find what you seek and be happy as a good man can be. The best awaits you and it's just a matter of when and not if.

Makkin

[Daveman]

Daveman,

  You "Will" find what you seek and be happy as a good man can be. The best awaits you and it's just a matter of when and not if.

Makkin

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Makkin.  I have to admit that although I'm still not married, I have had, and am having a blast with this process. It's had it's ups and downs, but it sure has been a fun and interesting adventure as well as an experience of major growth as a human being.  I'll continue to enjoy the journey...  and of course -- new adventures await...   :evil:  :evil: 

[kgh]

Thanks Gator,
Some of us are slow learners but I'm coming along.

You know, while I really can't suggest picking a fight with a lady just to test her, I must say that speaking about conflict resolution doesn't really give much real useful information.  "How do you resolve disagreements?" "I like to find compromise.".. sounds sweet and innocent enough.. but good lord is that line ever ambiguous when compared with the ensuing reality. "Finding the compromise" could mean blowing you up with a roadside IED. 

Until you see someone flake out at his/her worst, you really have no idea if you will work together or pull apart.  Compatibility does include a similar nature for resolution. 

Kenny

Gator and Daveman,  I appreciate this insight.  I know this, but wasn't thinking about it on a conscious level.  This is so true.  I'm one of the slow learners.

Daveman, very cool the way things turned out.  Talking after the relationship can be eye-opening.

[Wienerin]

Plus, my consolation prize was that I got the recipe for that killer delicious cherry wine!  Life is even better! heh!

there're lots of wonderfully tasting homemade wine and cordials recipes in Russia: plum, strawberry,  black currant, aronia, cranberry, etc. What you have to remember - all of them will giver you splitting headache in the morning. Guaranteed So - a small glass, two, maybe - if you have very strong constitution - three. (and I mean real small - like 1.5 oz or 50 ml)

Though all this is nothing in treachery and pain when compared to Bulgarian homemade apricot and peach brandy. It's drinkable as spring water, even better. You don't get drunk - that is you think clearly, you speak clearly, there're no unpleasant manifestations inside... after 300-400 ml, though, you can't stand up - your legs simply disappear from under you... That's all. But the next morning... well, my only - and very faint at that, - wish was to be buried in a quiet corner under a shady tree... life simply wasn't worth living

[Makkin]

  Ahahahaha...sounds like you need to add more sugar?

Makkin

[Faux Pas]

there're lots of wonderfully tasting homemade wine and cordials recipes in Russia: plum, strawberry,  black currant, aronia, cranberry, etc. What you have to remember - all of them will giver you splitting headache in the morning. Guaranteed So - a small glass, two, maybe - if you have very strong constitution - three. (and I mean real small - like 1.5 oz or 50 ml)

Though all this is nothing in treachery and pain when compared to Bulgarian homemade apricot and peach brandy. It's drinkable as spring water, even better. You don't get drunk - that is you think clearly, you speak clearly, there're no unpleasant manifestations inside... after 300-400 ml, though, you can't stand up - your legs simply disappear from under you... That's all. But the next morning... well, my only - and very faint at that, - wish was to be buried in a quiet corner under a shady tree... life simply wasn't worth living

hehe my future MIL makes some kind of concoction from nuts and berries. I have no idea what it is but it is potent. I have affectionately coined it "the recipe" after the Baldwin sisters from a television show of years ago. It actually tastes distilled but it isn't. Very tasty on the palate, packs some punch and lingers hard the next day. 

[groovlstk]

I spent a week in Sochi with my wife a few years ago, and during one of our excursions our bus stopped at an area where there were about a dozen wine and cognac kiosks. At each kiosk, the owner would talk about the different varieties for sale while handing out plastic cups and pouring samples. I couldn't speak the language of my fellow vacationers but we were all on the same wavelength, thinking: "less blabbing and more pouring, lady!"

[mendeleyev]

Sounds like either Kisel (berry wine) or it could be fruit compote made with cheeries or red currants.  PM me and I get you a recipe link.

[JR]

"Finding the compromise" could mean blowing you up with a roadside IED. 

"War is the continuation of diplomacy on another level."

I hear you brother, peaceful co-operation.  No more wars for me...