Is my Russian wife cheating on me or am I overreacting?

[mies]

Mies, Your assumption regarding me being nagging at my husband or pester my husband was rude.
 

Olga, I would never allow myself to make such assumptions about you. You have misunderstood my post. "Wife's nagging" was the reason for which the OP said he thought it was not a bad idea to let his wife go out for a weekend. I said that in your family - your husband do not have similar thoughts about you, and therefore - you judge woman based on how your husband treats you, however the OP has different "climate" in their household.

But, you are right that my husband and I have different relationship. Can you imagine  we spend our weekends together, we party together, we shopping, we travel together, we work together, we know each other's friends, we have nothing to hide from each other and we don't need to seek some kind of refuge from each other. Maybe such family life is beyond your comprehension.

oh really??? NO WAY!!! is it possible? are you sure this is how you live?  
i think lifestyle of our family is quite similar to yours - only we don't work together. But we discuss work quite a lot. I do not feel like traveling alone, though i can travel alone and still enjoy it. This is my choice. I do not need to impose my life choices upon other people, with very different tastes, preferences and needs. Let them do whatever they want to do. Do you need to proclaim everybody different a "bad person"? As i said - witch-hunting is still ever-popular. as well as Pygmalion's role.
Ольга, я по сравнению с Вами в жизненных вопросах человек достаточно зеленый. И Ваше мнение я очень уважаю. Но Вы применяете русскую традицию "во всем виновата жена". Не бывает так что жена одна во всем виновата. ОР ведь не маменькин сынок из института благородных юношей. Он взрослый, зрелый, адекватный человек. Сначала он выбирает девочку руководствуюясь своими личными критериями и он не против ее стиля жизни. Рожает с ней ребенка, а потом она ему буквально за год надоедает, и он говорит что он пытался ее наставить на путь истинный, но она опять пошла по наклонной, не дает ему расслабиться дома, и даже уходя из дома - тоже не дает ему расслабитсья. Ну какой уважающий муж о своей жене такое скажет? Пусть в библиотеку ее на выходные отсылает - в чем проблема? И дома ему никто мешать не будет, тишина-красота, и жена в надежном месте без хахалей.

[mies]

Ridiculous Mies.

These tasks don't take nearly the amount of time you've listed, and I do keep myself well fed and my home is clean. Maybe you need to take housekeeping lessons from me?  

maybe the quality cleaning and cooking take more time, huh? I know dozens of techniques how to make apartment LOOK clean in 5 minutes. How to make apartment really clean - is a different question. Regarding cooking - that depends what you cook. If you throw a steak on a pan - it's 10 min at most. If you cook something elaborate from scratch - with all natural fresh products and no preserved/canned ingredients - the salad, entree, soup, dessert - i can assure you it takes time. Maybe you need to take some housekeeping lessons from me  

I don't buy all these lame excuses about how rough life is when you raise 1 kid, maybe work, maybe clean the house, maybe even you're stuck at home without a car. Cry me a river. It's just normal life.

let's put you in this position in Russian provincial town, with russian wife, and see what size of the river you'll cry - Oka or Volga   :evil:
[making a note in my pink diary "Jooky is planning to exploit his future russian wife"   ]

This is not normal in a healthy marriage, and the weak excuses of potential 'hardships' being presented here are things that wouldn't matter at all for a couple that loved and trusted each other.

I agree with you Jooky. This isn't the healthy climate - because some of their likes are different. OP doesn't want to go out, his wife wants. It was clear for OP from the beginning, and possibly - this is what had attracted him in his wife - her jolly nature. However now he is trying to change her personality. I am not sure this will work or it is a good idea. They both need to talk, and discuss how to work out mutually acceptable lifestyle.

[GQBlues]

The OP said:

Long story short i want to be able to trust her and I hope someone can translate this letter and let me know what she is saying and if i'm overreacting.

I'm curious what the summary of the conversation holds not a word by word translation

How I understood this is, he wanted to either validate, or disspell, his fear that his wife is cheating on him by getting the script a) translated, and/or b) summarized (he mentioned both). Which to me means: He would like someone to either summarize or translate the script to either validate, or disspell, his fear that his wife is cheating on him.

Apparently, a translation or summary was going to be enough to let him know if he is either over-reacting or his wife was indeed cheating on him.

Nowhere did I read where he also asked people to make their own assumptions at their leisure and tell him the nature of his wife, himself, OP's MIL, her friends, customers, and most of all, their marriage.

Were you folks highly disappointed there were NO conclusive damning information on the script enough to see a train wreck thus go off in so many tangents hoping to create one?

 

Give it a rest.

[Jooky]

What is your point Mies?  

You know nothing about the cleanliness of my home or tastiness of my cooking. You're welcome to stop by for a full inspection and I might even cook up some borscht if you like.

Working, cooking, raising kids... it's all normal stuff that billions of people do every day. Having to do these things (in other words, living a normal life) is not an excuse for a woman to need to party without her husband all weekend. It's completely unrelated.

Do you seriously think that the party girl in this thread is slaving away at the stove preparing 5 course meals and scrubbing the floors every day, and that's why she needed a break to go drinking with a bunch of dudes all weekend?

[Gator]

No, but it is good to remind people that this is not typical behavior  :evil: As Gator pointed out, we are a pretty "boring" couple who tend to go to bed early after a long evening of bike riding, canning and perhaps a raucous game of Monopoly  :evil:

Let's be accurate.  I did not say you were "boring."  I said that you would bore my wife.  Huge difference. 

OFF-TOPIC example follows for Misha's benefit.

We went to one party among RW friends and their husbands.  What little there was to drink disappeared in one hour.  Then we played games.  The clash of cultures made it interesting.  The highlight of the movie trivia game came when one RW announced the answer as  FOREST HUMP.  Then we played another party game that was so sloooooow.  It took over an hour to declare a winner, and then it was suggested to play again.  My wife immediately whispered to me, "Somehow politely get us out of here!"  I was ready too.

[Jooky]

Come on GQ, when does any thread stick only to what was asked by the original poster? 

Just the fact that this guy took his wife's private conversation and posted it here is enough evidence for me, if not of an impending train wreck, of some serious problems with this relationship.

[Gator]

Jooky wrote,

I don't buy all these lame excuses about how rough life is when you raise 1 kid, maybe work, maybe clean the house, maybe even you're stuck at home without a car. Cry me a river. It's just normal life.

Agree.

Normal?  Have either of you raised a child and did the rest of the list?  Without help from family?  I agree it is not an excuse for drunken parties, yet one does need a break from such "normal" life.   The OP and his wife did not communicate about what would be an aceptable break.

[mies]

What is your point Mies?  

Do you seriously think that the party girl in this thread is slaving away at the stove preparing 5 course meals and scrubbing the floors every day, and that's why she needed a break to go drinking with a bunch of dudes all weekend?

nothing in particular, to be honest with you :-)
i think nothing about this party girl or not a party girl. I am not even sure she is a real party girl. What I do think - is that she or her husband should not be judged here like they are. Nor given advices of a kind "dump her and find a divorce attorney". There are always two sides of a story.

As for your generous offer - pardon me for my straightforwardness, but i have little interest in the cleanness of your apartment. And I do not have a habit of inspecting dwellings of other people. :-) However, i'd gladly accept the offer of good borsch is this weekend going to be ok for you? 

[OlgaH]

The horror of it all! Robert must be quite the control freak, as I allegedly am with my wife  :evil: Sorry, couldn't resist. It is interesting, however, to see how there seems to be a need to normalize the atypical and the dysfunctional. These past few days, reading these posts, I feel as if it has become shameful to actually like spending time with one's wife and husband    

I'm surprised nobody call your wife or me the controls freaks  :evil:

Misha, when I was in Russia and sometimes was working till 1am especially when we had preparation for the governor reception, Robert called me every hour, he called me when I was in taxi going home and after he called me on my home phone. Somebody can easily call him a control freak. But he has years of experience in homicide investigation and knows how life can be  fragile and depended on the circumstances and people around . I would be more concern to bind my life to a person who doesn't care where I'm and with who.

I just can not imagine how you can let your beloved one  leave without knowing where and with who. If something happens... I would go crazy.

... however the OP has different "climate" in their household.

Question is due to who the OP has different "climate" in their household?

[OlgaH]

Normal?  Have either of you raised a child and did the rest of the list?  Without help from family?

If you ask me I will answer - Yes, I did.

[GQBlues]

Come on GQ, when does any thread stick only to what was asked by the original poster?  

 

btw Jook, curious, did you recently fathered a child? I presume that strictly based on this....

"(I don't buy all these lame excuses about how rough life is when you raise 1 kid)"

We recently got 2 cats and if they weren't such joys to have they sure take sure are a pain in the booty. Nat adores having them so I suppose they're worth it. I think this is a pre-cursory mode to an even bigger rugrat

[mies]

btw Jook, curious, did you recently fathered a child? That assumption was strictly based on this....

"(I don't buy all these lame excuses about how rough life is when you raise 1 kid)"

We recently got 2 cats and if they weren't such joys to have they sure take sure are a pain in the booty. Nat adores having them so I suppose they're worth it. I think this is a pre-cursory mode to an even bigger rugrat

we also got cat recently.   12 months to date of sleepless nights   The only days we managed to got uninterrupted sleep was during our two out-of-town vacations - 5 and 4 days respectively. 9 days or normal sleep, in total in a YEAR! Each time after vacation we had to partially replace our furniture. But we still believe it was well worth it  

[Jooky]

Gator, my answer would be no. I've helped raise children (not my own) while doing the rest on the list, but not without help from family. I don't get your point though. We really don't know anything about what this woman does on a daily basis.

I agree people need a break from their daily routine, whatever that is. A break from your spouse is something else.

Mies, I have other plans this weekend, but I've held small get togethers with people from these boards before and you're welcome to come to the next one.

PS: I didn't get your comment about doing the same in a provincial Russian city. I do spend about 1/3 of my time living in Sibir these days in an average situation: small apartment, no car. No big deal even with the miserable weather. I guess the rough part would doing the same with a Russian wife.  

GQ, nope,  I haven't fathered any kids yet, but for years I helped raise my sister's kids spending more time with them than many parents spend with their kids.

Anyways, it's not something that one needs to do to imagine what its like. We've all lived in families. Raising kids is a normal part of life. I've known families with 8 to 13 kids. Now that's rough. Raising 1 kid? Nothing to stress about.

[GQBlues]

Last  

Yes mies...I had two cats before and my wife saw the last 2-3 years of their lives. She was devastated as they really took after her when she first arrived. A year later we decided to adopt these two little ones and there's not a day that went by without those precious two showering her with loving attention.

She used to prefer dogs for pets but had since changed her affinity.

[mies]

Mies, I have other plans this weekend, but I've held small get togethers with people from these boards before and you're welcome to come to the next one.

if your borsch is as good as you promice ... with pleasure

Last 
.. those precious two showering her with loving attention.

we are showering our precious cat with love and attention, and if we get lucky - he let us pet him for 1-2 minutes. The rest of the time he shows true manly behavior "no place for sentiments" 

[BC]

It may sound like utopia to be together 24/7, but as far as my experience goes it is not.  Even within a relationship some private time is needed.  Such is usually provided by one, the other or both going to work. Even the time commuting, or shopping can be considered private time as it allows you to get out of those four walls. We're not talking days, even a half hour or hour daily is good, but it does add up quickly if missed. Working at home does have it's downside and this is one.  Add young kids into the equation, lack of alternative caretaker and it's difficult for anyone to get downtime, especially if transportation is a problem which makes it pretty much all or nothing deal.

[BillyB]

I just can not imagine how you can let your beloved one  leave without knowing where and with who. If something happens... I would go crazy.

The OP should have thought about that sooner than later. It's understandable that he went crazy after the wife being dropped off home drunk by some Russian men.

The question the wife should have asked the OP is not about going out with friends for a break but she should ask "Could I go and do something stupid this weekend?" Stupid as in none, one or all of the following possibly happening, commit adultery, get raped while mentally impaired, catch a disease , and/or get pregnant.

If our daughters asked for permission, we would not allow them to get drunk all weekend with men that we haven't met because it's stupid and reckless. Why should we allow our spouses?

Is a spouse allowed to do something stupid/reckless within marriage without getting permission from the other? NO. Not allowed to get drunk with the opposite sex, not gamble, not spend money foolishly on unnecessary luxuries beyond what they can afford, not do drugs or basically anything that puts the family in jeopardy. If you alone want to destroy your life by taking risks, don't get married.

If women expect their man to be the main provider of the family, she should be happy to accept the role of taking care of the kids and house. Some women think it's hard work. Others find it a joy and blessing to stay home not having to work a real job and to be able to take care of their kids and watch them grow not losing a precious moment without them.

You women who think it's work and that you should be honored by your husband should put on your best lingerie, high heals and honor your man next time he comes home from work. If you want a little, you've got to give a little. Life and marriage would be a lot easier if everyone accepted their roles and appreciate the role the other spouse plays without keeping score and thinking they're getting the short end of the stick.

 Unfortunately women who tend to repeat how hard it is to take care of kids tend to pass the kids off to the husband after work. I know! The ex made me go to work 8 hours and day and when I came home, she made me work another 8 hours taking care of the kids and when it was time for bed, she'd make me work another 8 hours. I was a slave 24/7! 

[JR]

I know! The ex made me go to work 8 hours and day and when I came home, she made me work another 8 hours taking care of the kids and when it was time for bed, she'd make me work another 8 hours. I was a slave 24/7! 

What was she making you do those last 8 hours

[BC]

What was she making you do those last 8 hours

Now that's utopia!

[BC]

The OP should have thought about that sooner than later. It's understandable that he went crazy after the wife being dropped off home drunk by some Russian men.

Sh!t happens..

The question the wife should have asked the OP is not about going out with friends for a break but she should ask "Could I go and do something stupid this weekend?" Stupid as in none, one or all of the following possibly happening, commit adultery, get raped while mentally impaired, catch a disease , and/or get pregnant.

Still to be seen.. probably never.. I wonder if the OP will even post again before this thread dies out.

If our daughters asked for permission, we would not allow them to get drunk all weekend with men that we haven't met because it's stupid and reckless. Why should we allow our spouses?

If your daughter is over 18 there ain't a damned thing you can do to stop her except show her the door if she is still living with you.  'Allow' our spouses?  Tell yours what you will and won't 'allow' well in advance of stepping up to the altar.

Is a spouse allowed to do something stupid/reckless within marriage without getting permission from the other? NO. Not allowed to get drunk with the opposite sex, not gamble, not spend money foolishly on unnecessary luxuries beyond what they can afford, not do drugs or basically anything that puts the family in jeopardy. If you alone want to destroy your life by taking risks, don't get married.

'Permission' from whom?.. an equal partner?  Thought marriage was about mutual decisions..

If women expect their man to be the main provider of the family, she should be happy to accept the role of taking care of the kids and house. Some women think it's hard work. Others find it a joy and blessing to stay home not having to work a real job and to be able to take care of their kids and watch them grow not losing a precious moment without them.

You women who think it's work and that you should be honored by your husband should put on your best lingerie, high heals and honor your man next time he comes home from work. If you want a little, you've got to give a little. Life and marriage would be a lot easier if everyone accepted their roles and appreciate the role the other spouse plays without keeping score and thinking they're getting the short end of the stick.

This will certainly get you far.. remember to print this and put it next to the condom in your wallet next time you date.. pull both out at the same time and see what happens.  If she's still turned on she's a keeper.

Unfortunately women who tend to repeat how hard it is to take care of kids tend to pass the kids off to the husband after work. I know! The ex made me go to work 8 hours and day and when I came home, she made me work another 8 hours taking care of the kids and when it was time for bed, she'd make me work another 8 hours. I was a slave 24/7! 

Was that a short stint?  Did your kids not later recognize your participation in their lives?  Do they respect you more for your 'investment'?

[Misha]

It may sound like utopia to be together 24/7, but as far as my experience goes it is not.  Even within a relationship some private time is needed.

There are many options for "private time" other than spending the night drinking with a group of men   Boils down to this: if you want to act single, stay single, and only marry people who have reached a certain level of maturity.

P.S. I am heading off for a night on the town. Will drink a beer or two with a beautiful woman. And yes, it will just be my wife and I 

[BC]

P.S. I am heading off for a night on the town. Will drink a beer or two with a beautiful woman. And yes, it will just be my wife and I 

Enjoy Misha!  Tip the babysitter well.

[Doll]

If women expect their man to be the main provider of the family, she should be happy to accept the role of taking care of the kids and house. Some women think it's hard work. Others find it a joy and blessing to stay home not having to work a real job and to be able to take care of their kids and watch them grow not losing a precious moment without them.

You women who think it's work and that you should be honored by your husband should put on your best lingerie, high heals and honor your man next time he comes home from work. If you want a little, you've got to give a little. Life and marriage would be a lot easier if everyone accepted their roles and appreciate the role the other spouse plays without keeping score and thinking they're getting the short end of the stick.

Somebody is dreaming  

[GQBlues]

Unfortunately women who tend to repeat how hard it is to take care of kids tend to pass the kids off to the husband after work. I know!

BillyB-

I know people are different and those differences doesn't automatically determine right from wrong so please don't take what I'm about to say as being critical of you. The quoted statement above is just another difference you and I have.

I realize that the closest to having my own child experience right now had been times I  immersed myself with my little nieces and nephews and my friends' little ones when they come over for visits. I just adore children. I love playing with them and I love taking care of them. I'll give that I'm still yet to live the day when I can spend these times with one that is/are my own...for my wife and I right now, that day is not too far away from us.

So the gist of my post is I know no matter how tired I will be coming home from a hard day's work, there'll be nothing I would like to do more than drown myself into the company of my child/children. I can't imagine enjoying doing anything else than to devote that time to my family. Just the vision of my own children waiting for me to come home is so powerful just to even think about right now.

[OlgaH]

If our daughters asked for permission, we would not allow them to get drunk all weekend with men that we haven't met because it's stupid and reckless. Why should we allow our spouses?

It is not about asking for permission and giving the permission. It is about having a conversation and elementary respect to each other.

If a husband doesn't ask his wife where she goes, with whom, how he can find her or her friends if something happens it means he doesn't care ... If he asks and the wife's answer is "it doesn't matter"  it means she doesn't care... If spouses don't know each others friends and don't care to introduce their friends they just don't care about each other. If a wife goes away for weekend to have night parties with her friends and her husband knows nothing about her friends it means she has no respect for her husband, the same applies to the husband... and there is not any partnership and love in such "families".