Upcoming Divorce

[jimz10]

It appears my marriage to a Ukraine lady is ending soon.  For the first year of our marriage we lived
in a smaller city.  Married life was fine with no big issues.  Due to a change of jobs we moved to a
large city.   She started going to the big malls, and spending much money.  She saw the life the rich
people were living.  Now her only desire in life is to become rich.  We have many arguments, mostly
about money and spending.  She goes to the modeling and acting agencies and tries to get her daughter
a Hollywood job so they will be rich.  After many arguments, she quits cooking, quits cleaning for me,
moves into the spare bedroom.  She puts her paycheck into a new account she got.  I have to pay all the
bills with my paycheck.  Obviously, I have had my limit and want a divorce.  But she does not want to
cooperate with that, she just wants to continue on this way.  Going back to Ukraine is not an option,
she says that would be hell for her.  She is unable to live on her own financially as well as not being
smart enough to deal with American life and its technicalities.  She has become used to life in our
$200k house and will refuse to get an apartment at a price level she could afford.  I suggest we get
a friendly divorce, and she can continue to stay in the house for one year, but she refuses.  It looks
like my only option is to force a divorce on her and her daughter.  With all the problems, I do care
what happends to them.  They will be dependent on me for survival at least until she marries again.
Does anyone have any advice for me, legally and otherwise.  Are there any other options I have not
thought about?  We live in a community property state but have not saved much since marriage, maybe
a total of $20k community property.

[Misha]

Given that she does not want to divorce, I would suggest looking into counseling or some other way of working through these issues. Try to remember the reasons you married her, and try to find a neutral person who will help you find a common ground.

[tim 360]

Best "legal advice" would be to consult a good lawyer in your state.  You mentioned a daughter.  Is she a minor?

I agree that trying some counseling and discussing your relationship before divorce would be a very healthy idea before going the divorce route.

[Boethius]

I don't agree with counselling.  She moved into the spare bedroom.  She puts her cheques in a separate account.  The only reason she wants to stay married is because she needs a wallet.

Pay your lawyer a big retainer now, then hire him and push the separation.  I think you now have to support her, by law, for a specified period, so you are on the hook for that.

[Shadow]

So you want a divorce because you have to pay all the bills ?
Sounds... well...
I agree that the family finances should be a joint thing, but at the same time the man should be able to provide for the family, the wife has the money for emergenncies and 'fun'.

At this time you have to think about two things.
First of all when you met her before marriage, did you perhaps spend a lot whilie visiting ? In that case you have given the impression of being able to carry a rich lifestyle.
Secondly, how are your prospects ? If you will never be able to give her what she wishes a divorce may be the best thing. If its a matter that you could but do not desire more as your 'village' lifesyle, perhaps its time for you to turn things up a bit.

[BC]

Whenever I hear 'money problems' I think 'deal gone bad'. 

[Misha]

First of all when you met her before marriage, did you perhaps spend a lot whilie visiting ?

The OP does specify that the first year they did not face any problems. He also writes:

She goes to the modeling and acting agencies and tries to get her daughter
a Hollywood job so they will be rich.

I somehow doubt that he led her to believe that he was a rich hollywood movie star  :evil: Clearly, she has unrealistic expectations if what the OP writes is true. If she can understand that, then perhaps this marriage can be salvaged.

[Boethius]

Marriage and family is about living together.  It is not based on giving or taking or how much money one person has.  Once a marriage has this base, as BC stated, it is just a deal.

[Boethius]

If she can understand that, then perhaps this marriage can be salvaged.

That is incredibly naive.  She is going to leave him at some point.  She doesn't want a husband.  She wants a wallet and a "lifestyle".

[Sculpto]

Maybe she wants all of it.. marriage and family AND a big lifestyle.

If I was in those shoes.. I would have done everything to support the modelling aspirations.

I sense control issues.

BTW.. to the OP.. what do you gain by divorcing her?  Less expense?  You married her for a reason.. find it again... unless of course you don't want her to have her own independence???

[Boethius]

She's already checked out of the marriage  - separate bedroom, separate bank account, no cooking, cleaning.

[Misha]

That is incredibly naive.  She is going to leave him at some point.  She doesn't want a husband.  She wants a wallet and a "lifestyle".

Naive? Maybe, but in my experience better to try and see whether things can be salvaged first (taking all the necessary precautions to protect yourself of course to avoid false accusations) and then get divorced. What is the rush? The OP can start divorce proceeding tomorrow, in a month or in a year... 

[Boethius]

Or he can waste another year of his life.

You don't know how women think, Misha.  The fact that this woman has "separated" herself from her husband is all the proof he needs that the marriage is over.  The fact that this likely has to do with money means there was no basis for a married life in the first place.  She knows she can't survive economically without him, and she knows that she has to be in the country 2 years to get a green card.  Those are the factors in her desire to keep the marriage.  

He is just delaying the inevitable.

[Misha]

Or he can waste another year of his life.

You don't know how women think, Misha.  The fact that this woman has "separated" herself from her husband is all the proof he needs that the marriage is over.  The fact that this likely has to do with money means there was no basis for a married life in the first place.  She knows she can't survive economically without him, and she knows that she has to be in the country 2 years to get a green card.  Those are the factors in her desire to keep the marriage.  

He is just delaying the inevitable.

Again, you have a right to your opinion, and I am expressing man. If he gets divorced, what does he get out of it? A fun year or two getting the divorce and years more of dating with no guarantee that he will find anybody better. One hopes that he married a woman that he loved and that she did have qualities that he found redeeming before the marriage. If this is the case, better to try, do a few months of counseling and then get divorced. Clearly, we have a different worldview, and I can agree to disagree.

[GoodOlBoy]

After many arguments, she quits cooking, quits cleaning for me,
moves into the spare bedroom.  She puts her paycheck into a new account she got.

Hey JimZ10, really sorry to hear about all of this.

A couple of quick questions, if you don't mind.

Your wife's status: How many years married, GC/Citizenship status?

What state do you presently live in (California)?

Second, when she moved out of your bedroom and into the spare bedroom, did she remove ALL clothing (clothes, underwear, shoes, etc.) from the common bedroom area or do you still "share" (establishing marital breakdown?).

Third, trying not to get to personal here, BUT...has there been any "personal" contact between the two of you? How long ago?

Fourth, Please give us some details about the "daughter".

How old? Where does she live/sleep? Whose is she? Where is the father? etc.

Fifth, Did you sign an "affidavit of support" before you brought them here to the GoodOl' USA?


Thanks, GOB

[Sculpto]

Or he can waste another year of his life.

You don't know how women think, Misha.  The fact that this woman has "separated" herself from her husband is all the proof he needs that the marriage is over.  The fact that this likely has to do with money means there was no basis for a married life in the first place.  She knows she can't survive economically without him, and she knows that she has to be in the country 2 years to get a green card.  Those are the factors in her desire to keep the marriage.  

He is just delaying the inevitable.

Boethius, your logic has merit.. but there is more to it.  I seem to recall Doll has a story that has some relevance to this thread.. Paging Doll! 

[Shadow]

The OP does specify that the first year they did not face any problems.

The first year they lived in a smaller city where she did not meet a richer lifestyle.

[Blues Fairy]

The first year they lived in a smaller city where she did not meet a richer lifestyle.

And she cooked and cleaned FOR HIM, and also brought home a paycheck with which she paid some bills.

Apparently she also didn't spend much money on herself until she got access to big malls.  Lesson for newbies: keep your new wives away from malls and make them work, cook, and clean to keep them busy; and all will be well!  :evil:

[vwrw]

Now her only desire in life is to become rich.  We have many arguments, mostly
about money and spending. 

If your wife speaks good English, find on Internet, print, and give her a book titled “Poor father, Rich father”.  Explain her that to become rich, she needs to think as rich people do or to have rich people’s mentality, and this book is the first step to the mentality.  The book does really good job explaining the attitudes of those with wealth compared to those who are in a rats race to pay their bills each month.

[Boethius]

Again, you have a right to your opinion, and I am expressing man. If he gets divorced, what does he get out of it? A fun year or two getting the divorce and years more of dating with no guarantee that he will find anybody better. One hopes that he married a woman that he loved and that she did have qualities that he found redeeming before the marriage. If this is the case, better to try, do a few months of counseling and then get divorced. Clearly, we have a different worldview, and I can agree to disagree.

If he doesn't get divorced, what does he get out of it?  She is putting her cheques in a separate account for a reason.

My "worldview" is based on living in Ukraine, and seeing a lot of women like this. 

[Misha]

If he doesn't get divorced, what does he get out of it? 

Well, one would hope a decent marriage.

My "worldview" is based on living in Ukraine, and seeing a lot of women like this. 

Yes, and men rush to marry "women like this" rather than getting to know the woman first, her goals, her desires, and yes her spending habits  The problem is that he married her, has made his bed and must sleep in it IMHO. From what I gather, she has not found a new boyfriend/lover and has not moved out. If there is even a remote chance to save the marriage, he should try. If she does not want to try, does not want to meet him half-way, then yes divorce will be the only option.

[jimz10]

We have been married about 5 years.  Yes, she has green card.  Not a citizen yet.  Things degraded in stages.  First year of two fine.
Second year or two worse.  Last year, more or less separated but living in same house.  Yes, everyone has to sign the affadavit of support for a Ukraine immigration wife.  Does this mean I have more support obligations than for an American divorce, including child support?  Child is 16, and I am not her father and have not adopted.  We went to counseling 3 years ago.  She had no interest in it so counseling was a waste.  She is just one of those ladies that has a no-compromise attitude about everything.  Temper tantrum if she doesn't get what she wants.  When I want sometihing it is a different story.  No interest in my desires.  Separation is not legal here in Texas.  I am not down on Ukraine or Russian women, it was just my bad luck/choice to end up with a lemon.  If I get a divorce I will communicate with Russian and Ukraine women again.  I spent 30 years looking for women in USA, with much frustration.  I am not bad looking, just the shy quiet type, not a people person.  I have spent my whole income for last five years on house, cars, and our other expenses.  She will have a major temper tantrum if I won't give her $10k to go to some scam Hollywood agency convention weekend.  Out daughter is signed with an agency and only spent about $300 on photos. Zero job assignments in first year.  I don't mind that.  I just don't want to deal with the other ripoff scams.  Bottom line is I would prefer to move on and get this behind me,  but they will be a financial burden.  Nobody likes supporting their ex.  I would guess she would be able to find another husband in less than a year if she puts her mind to it.

[Vaughn]

She will have a major temper tantrum if I won't give her $10k to go to some scam Hollywood agency convention weekend.  Out daughter is signed with an agency and only spent about $300 on photos. Zero job assignments in first year.  I don't mind that.  I just don't want to deal with the other ripoff scams.

Not to redirect your thread, but are you talking about model/photoshoots with all the hyped up promises
of a future on the runway, in commercials and/or advertising.

A quick chat with my 20 year old stepdaughter would bring your stepdaughter back down to reality. Unfortunately,
it sounds as if her Mama has also bought into the fantasy...

[TwoBitBandit]

Hello Jim,

I feel for you.  Your situation is tough.

Something in me wants to chime in with my two bits of advice, but my advice would just be obvious and repeat what others have said.  So, I'm going to keep my mouth shut.

Good luck and be strong.

[Doll]

No interest in my desires.

What are you desires?

( I've been putting my paycheck on my personal account for 8 years  )