Red Flag perhaps??

[berkough]

Things didn't pan out with the one girl I had began pursuing, yet I received a message from someone else, figuring that since she had contacted me that things would be smoother.
At least that was the thinking behind it.
Not that I have a problem being rejected, I accept that's part of trying to find someone, however, more times than not, women who have approached me (not only online, but in person as well) tend not to have as many insecurities

So we began exchanging emails, I thought it was only fair that she tell me about other men she was writing, its not like I need details, I just asked her about how many men other men she was talking to. And then I got this as a response;

Ok, Mathew. I see that I spare my time. Don't write me anymore.
A lot of men write me but we just talk, I didn't ask you about that, because everybody can communicate with anybody but in fact it means nothing..only some acts can do something between people. So I see that you just try to find the reason to say good-bye. I don't mind. I just don't want to spend my time for the man for whom it means nothing. Good-bye.
Don't write me anymore. I wish you good luck in your searches.

Not sure if I should have even responded to that, but I did, and this is what I said;

That was only one sentence, and only one question from my entire email. I didn't ask you as a reason to say good-bye.

Any thoughts opinions or nasty comments?

[Avum]

I'd say you did the right thing by writing her back. If you had what you thought was something with real potential, you might even give it one more "small" chance in a day or two. Persistence sometimes wins the day. Just a line or two to say that you were sorry for the misunderstanding and you don't want it to be a big deal. Notice that there is something of an apology on your part there. (I didn't see one in your initial response.) She seemed somehow offended. You obviously didn't mean it, but she still felt it. "Apologizing" for something you didn't intend is not going to kill you. ... Some call it being a man in a relationship. 

If you didn't have much going on to begin with, I would just drop it. However, if she does start communication back up with you, then just be a little more alert about other kinds of "red flags." In the end you want someone you can feel comfortable with. If she brings too much baggage for you, then move on. Everyone will bring baggage. How much and what kind are only revealed with time.

[Vaughn]

I thought it was only fair that she tell me about other men she was writing...

Think about how your question appeared to her. The disclaimer you stated about
not wanting details was beside the point in her eyes - you were probing a personal
facet of her life that she deemed an intrusion.

Call her ultra-sensitive, or whatever - but the fact is, yours was a pretty bizarre
question to a lady you barely knew. You might want to reconsider how "fair" it was
considering you still have not had a cup of tea together.

Should the two of you get past this item, she will be watching closely for further
evidence of what she perceived to be insecurity.

[Shadow]

You have not exchanged any vows
You have not met her face to face.
You are not her parent or guardian.

What right you have to ask her how many men she is writing, and what exactly was the point in asking ?

In her eyes this would lead up to either 'drop all others or I will drop you' or a 'I do not write to anyone else, will you do the same'.
At a stage where there is nothing else then a penpal, she should not make any commitment and you seemed to be asking just that. If you want commitment, meet her first.

[UTRO]

So we began exchanging emails, I thought it was only fair that she tell me about other men she was writing, its not like I need details, I just asked her about how many men other men she was talking to. And then I got this as a response;

Yes, I would have to say that this was really none of your business to ask her.
I can see how she may have taken the question the wrong way. She may be sensitive due to other Foreign lunkheads asking this very same question in Accusation, rather than Innocently, as you seem to have.
Write again telling her that you can understand how she took it that way and for not realizing it at the time. Be apologetic, explain yourself and show her you understand her concern. Do not be defensive!!
Email can and will be easily misinterpreted.

Oh, and never ever ask that question again to any Woman young fella!

[facetrock]

  My impression is that she was basically saying screw you its none of your business so why the hell are you asking.
I have to agree with her too.

[Blues Fairy]

Yeah, a prying man is definitely a red flag. 

[ECOCKS]

So, next time, from the start, tell her early on that she's just one of the gals you write over there as you search for a wife. This way you avoid the misunderstandings and make it clear to her that this is a competitive situation for both of you.

When the competition gets tough, the tough get competitive!

[berkough]

Apparently even my roommate agrees with the comments that were made... Being that there were so many, I feel the need to respond.

I still don't feel it was an inadequate question to ask, she contacted me, and not the other way around. If roles were vice versa, I would feel obliged to answer her, and honestly at that.

But I can also understand her response. Though, a bit hostile and unwarranted.

I agree with Vaughn though;

Should the two of you get past this item, she will be watching closely for further
evidence of what she perceived to be insecurity.

But that doesn't bother me in the least. She can watch me all she wants, that would be more than welcome. Some might deem that type of behavior “clingy” and “smothering...” I do not.

Shadow disturbs me though, for being one of the more “misogynist” members on the board.

What right you have to ask her how many men she is writing, and what exactly was the point in asking ?

My right is that of pure curiosity. Implying that she drop all others and concentrate on me was furthest from my mind, and in no way implied. If need be I can support my position through email transcript. I will grant that the question was “from left field,” ECOCKS assessment I feel was the most un-biased;

So, next time, from the start, tell her early on that she's just one of the gals you write over there as you search for a wife. This way you avoid the misunderstandings and make it clear to her that this is a competitive situation for both of you.

When the competition gets tough, the tough get competitive!

I'm just being realistic.

[Shadow]

Curiosity killed the cat.

You got a fisrt taste of what can happen when you cross the line, and you might want to think if this is what you can handle.
From your reply I see that you have a stubborn streak, which will certainly clash with a RW at some point in time. Do not think you can convince a RW that your point of view was correct, meaning you will have to back off or get out of the fire.

As for your question, there is a Russian expression 'standing with a candle by someones bed' , which shows how it comes across.

And however the answer was written, you should know that you did get the answer from her already. She is writing any other men she likes, and will continue to do so until one convinces her to stop writing others by actions.

[UTRO]

berkough, as I said, don't be defensive.
 

[Doll]

No, you can't ask these questions unless she is your wife (don't ask wife either)

[MattyB4]

WHat a load of over cautious bs!! sorry guys but he did nothing wrong in asking her that.
All of this "You havent made vows so yu have no right to ask" is a load of crap.
Im british and the very definition of gentleman, and i would have asked. If you are trying to get to know someone, and its a mutual understanding that you are romantically interested, and hoping to someday meet and fall in love, there is absolutely no reason to feel bad, for wanting to know that there is no competition. If she HAD said yes i also write to other men who wish to meet me, and you got pissy about it, then you would be in the wrong. But because all you did was ask, and she got defensive about it, and was so ready to tell you to get lost, I would suggest that she is not at all honest in her intentions.
Youdid the right thing in asking, and to be hoenst, i would leave her and move on as it seems to me that she was far too quick to jump on the defensive and tell you to stop writing.

[Shadow]

When you guys call a local girl for a date, do you ask how many other guys she is currently dating ?
What exactly is the use of the information ?

[MattyB4]

knowing how serious she is about you, knowing that she isnt just playing you, wanting to feel like there is a connection and that she values you enough to not want to find other men.
When you date someone locally, you dont have to start off with emails and it is a given expectation that she is not seeing other people on the side, and that they will tell you if they are not interested.

[Shadow]

knowing how serious she is about you, knowing that she isnt just playing you, wanting to feel like there is a connection and that she values you enough to not want to find other men.
When you date someone locally, you dont have to start off with emails and it is a given expectation that she is not seeing other people on the side, and that they will tell you if they are not interested.

With local dates its not a 'given', it is just that you might be able to control more easy. Note that I am not talking about regular dating, but about the first call to ask a date.

Remember that until the first meeting you are nothing but a penpal, some bits and bytes in the computer. To ask any level of commitment shows not only a great deal of insecurity, but also breaks the 'do not fall in love with a picture' rule.
If you want to know if there is a connection, if she values you and does not want to find other men, go and visit her instead of asking silly questions.

When she is playing you, she will lie about the answer. And how will you find out ? By a visit.

[MattyB4]

that doesnt mean he was wrong to ask. Unlike local dating, he will have to travel a long way to see the girl, and stay there for some reasonable time, and so wanting to know that she isnt juggling him with several other men and that his trip might be a total waste of time, he is entirely justified

[SMS60]

Your done. Move on.

When you write back slobbering all over yourself. It will only confirm to her that she made the right decision.

Think about it, you already have a riff over writing letters. Whats going to happen when you meet in person? She knows this. Wise woman

Do some soul searching on yourself.

[Mylifeisdrive]

I am Russian woman and I also looking for my Mr.Rigth , so can imagine this situation from other side.
And my openion she is just not that into you...unfortunatly. I always feel (even before real meeting) who is the First  from a list of men that I am trying to know better by internet. And of course I will never stop with this First one after such question (I will not answer it that is true)... when you like a lot...you will forgive a lot. She has other reason to stop... 

[Shadow]

that doesnt mean he was wrong to ask. Unlike local dating, he will have to travel a long way to see the girl, and stay there for some reasonable time, and so wanting to know that she isnt juggling him with several other men and that his trip might be a total waste of time, he is entirely justified

He asked a question which would not contribute anything positive to the relationship, which would only inform him of something he might not want to know, and shich has nothing to do with his chances if he makes a trip.
To be short, the question was useless.

[MattyB4]

i wouldnt say it was useless. If she had nothing to hide, she wouldnt have gotten offended, and certainly wouldnt have jumped on the defensive. If a girl says to me, are you talking to other women, I wont get pissed off at all, ill tell her the truth. For her to react in such a way, is a pretty useful outcome in my opinion

[berkough]

Thanks MattyB4. I was beginning to think I was crazy...

In terms of local women, I do the same thing. I had a girl over at my place two weeks ago. She kept mentioning this other guy... We were cuddled up on the couch and watching a movie, she got up to go to the bathroom, I paused the movie. As she came back I stood up and met her half-way, slid my arms around her waist and moved in close.

"Aww, you didn't have to paused the movie for me."

"Of course I did... So, should I be worried about making anyone jealous?"

She avoided the question, but still proceeded to kiss me, as opposed to me forcing myself on her.

It's not something to get mad about, and start an argument over. I just needed to know if I was only going to have that night, or if there would be more opportunities down the way. She's a big girl, she can make her own decisions. It shouldn't mean that I can't assess the situation logically and proceed accordingly.

[Shadow]

In terms of local women, I do the same thing.

It's not something to get mad about, and start an argument over. I just needed to know if I was only going to have that night, or if there would be more opportunities down the way. She's a big girl, she can make her own decisions. It shouldn't mean that I can't assess the situation logically and proceed accordingly.

The question is did you ask this girl about other guys before your first face-to-face meeting (or during it) or did it come up later...

[berkough]

Before, all the more reason for her not to nutt up on me.

I'm not going to fly to Russia if I'm just the guy that happens to be on her schedule for the week, or in the least, I would like to know that ahead of time.

[RussianWind]

Well... I don't see anything wrong in this innocent question. I find even the question "How many men did you sleep with?" quite innocent. Afterall a smart woman always knows how to answer: "You are the second [just because the first was ex-husband]... kiss  "