When to have a baby?

[Aloe]

So how do you know when to have a baby?
For me to have one now seems like a great window, because i'm studying and it takes up very little time, also still studying the language, pretty sure it's gonna be a couple years until it gets to a decent level, so all in all, i should be ready to look for a job in about 3 years. Perfect window to have a baby and send it to kindergarten (they start kindergarten at 2.5 yrs old here).
I know myself, and sure as hell i do not wanna work while i'm pregnant or with a very small baby (under 2 yrs old), so if i wait with baby, i have to finish studying in any case, so that's 3 years, then start working, and if i have a baby then, i'd have to quit my job for at least 3-4 years, which sounds like a career suicide if done right in the beginning of it. And if i don't do it in the beginning, then i'm kinda old to have babies, i read if you have a baby under 25, your body recovers SIGNIFICANTLY easier from it, than after 30. I don't wanna be ugly. Not to mention that after 35 risks of having a down syndrome baby grow dramatically ( http://www.ds-health.com/risk.htm ), a woman of 20-24 has 1 in 1400 chance of having a retard, a woman of 40 its 1 in 100.
But it's kinda scary to think of having a baby, there is like a million things that could go wrong, from somebody forgetting to support its head and snapping the neck to plain dropping it, or falling off the stairs, which we have a million of (2 flights of steep stairs), my husband's nephew still can't walk downstairs (they have a lot less steep stairs than ours) and he is 3. He can't walk upstairs either, but he can climb upstairs using hands as well as legs.
So this is what i've been thinking. How do you know when to have one??
The most logical answer here seems that if i don't feel ready, then it isn't time yet, but for reasons mentioned above this may be the only suitable time in the next 10 years. And i'd love to have a baby, i'm just scared of all the things that could go wrong! Sigh
How did you all have a baby? Was it planned? And did you feel ready for it when you found out you were gonna have one?

[facetrock]

  Well Aloe my first daughter was planned..The other two just kind of showed up. Are you really ready to see your body get stretched to biblical proportions:)))))
   Your young and it wont be hard to do at all...Go for it..
 Your ready but is your husband ready?

[Aloe]

 Well Aloe my first daughter was planned..The other two just kind of showed up. Are you really ready to see your body get stretched to biblical proportions:)))))
   Your young and it wont be hard to do at all...Go for it..
 Your ready but is your husband ready?

Last night when i explained to him how this was a perfect time to have a baby, cuz i have lots of time right now that i wont have later, he said it would be nice to have a baby, but he doesn't think we can afford it.
If people didn't have babie cuz they couldn't afford it, then there would be 2 people on earth! Besides, if we would make an actual budget and plan what we are going to buy in the grocery store, instead of grabbing everything you feel like, then i'm sure we could afford one. My parents had a lot less money than we do when they had us. Heck they even had only one room of 9 square meters of living space when they had us. I dont remember any of it, nor the horrific standing in lines for many hours to get some food that they tell me about. And they moved to a bigger apartment when i was small. My point here, while the babies are small they aren't gonna realize or remember the lack of money, considering i'll start working later while the baby is still small and there definitely will be no lack of money then.

[I/O]

So how do you know when to have a baby?

Round about 40 weeks would be advisable if memory serves me correctly, much later than that might be risky.

he doesn't think we can afford it.

~I knew it~..!!

Lot's more vacuuming to do with babies around.

[possum]

When your waters break... :noidea:

Seriously, just go ahead and pop one out! Let hubby worry about it after the fact..

[GoodOlBoy]

Just curious......would you like to have a little "aloe" or "hubby"?

GOB

[remiel6]

I'm not sure there is a perfect time to have a baby. My wife wanted to get pregnant. I might have rather waited another six months till I took the bar exam, but its okay. It happened, its a wonderful thing.

[Steamer]

Last night when i explained to him how this was a perfect time to have a baby, cuz i have lots of time right now that i wont have later, he said it would be nice to have a baby, but he doesn't think we can afford it.

I had the same worries when my ex was pregnant. I exaggerated the costs in my mind. Babies don't eat that much. Clothes can get expensive so my ex had a co-op with all her friends in the neighborhood and they exchanged clothes.

If people didn't have babie cuz they couldn't afford it, then there would be 2 people on earth!

There's never the PERFECT time but there are lots of good times to have a baby. I can sympathize with your husband because it's a big adjustment in your life and that can be scary but once the baby is born a lot of those worries just melt away (and are replaced with different worries).

[Gator]

.... he said it would be nice to have a baby, but he doesn't think we can afford it.  If people didn't have babie cuz they couldn't afford it, then there would be 2 people on earth!

Having a baby should not be about economics unless a couple is so impoverished that they can not afford to buy food and clothing for the little tyke.  Having a baby is about love and completing the family. 

A baby costs money.  Raising children costs far more.  Having children means putting them first, perhaps not buying a fancy new car or getting a bigger home.  What is your husband willing to sacrifice?  I suggest that you discuss specifics with him.

BTW, you may decide after the child is born to delay working until the child is 5-6.

Are you planning on only one child?

I have accomplished much in my long life and been blessed in many ways.  And of all my blessings, family life with children  has been my greatest source of joy.  So my answer to your question of "When?" is the sooner the better if you are sure about your husband.

[viking]

With all due respect there is an old saying about "the best laid plans of mice and me". My good friend's first wife was unable to have children. They did not find this out until almost after one year of trying. His second wife got pregnant on their honeymoon. Go figure. Gator is right. You want children, the sooner the better. Just go for it and the rest will just fall into line. I had my kids a bit on the late side. Had I known better I would have had them earlier. They will bring much joy into your life.
BTW.  If you think someone in your family can't hold a baby and will drop them... well, don't let them hold the baby. And if your the type of mother I think you are..that baby will never be less than 3 inches from you when trying to crawl up stairs. And many women have babies later in life and look great after. It's called exercise. Stop worrying so much.

[BrianW]

Aloe,


My advice to you is, don't pressure your husband into having a baby. In my opinion, it is a terrible tragedy when one spouse pressures the other into having a child and it ends up being unwanted or neglected. I feel that many men don't want to have children and are pressured into it and the result can be a less than stellar upbringing for the child. There are many unwanted children in the world and this is why adoption is so important.

Now, allow me to take the "Arthur Schopenhauer" view on pro-creating and what child-rearing will do to you and your life. (Please don't be offended, I am doing this just to play the devil's advocate and because I am bored on this Tuesday night

Why do you want kids? Because you are being pushed by billions of years of evolution to procreate. There is no logic behind your need to have a child. It is blind will that is driving you to make this irrational and illogical decision.

Life is a pointless cycle that is stopped only when the Earth is too overpopulated by the human race that it goes extinct. By breeding, all you will be doing is contributing to that pointless cycle. The Earth is already overpopulated. Why do you want to contribute to this awful situation? Just so you can fufill the blind will that pointlessly drives the Universe?

From the moment that your child is born it will suffer. The first thing that a child does when it is born is cry. Your child will be subjected to the will of the Universe just as all living beings are. Your child will be hungry, it will hurt, it will suffer just as all living things suffer. It will have physical and emotional needs that will never be fufilled. You will feed your child and its hunger will return. You will change its diaper and it will poop yet again.

You may not even like your child. Remember, it will only be a cuddly infant for a year or two. Then, the child will grow into something you may despise. Think about the teenage years. Think about when your kid grows to only view you as a money machine. Think about all the people you know that fight constantly with their parents and siblings. Think about all the parents that don't even speak with their children. Think about all the dysfunctional families in the world. Think this couldn't happen to you? Think again.

Look at things from a practical (Schopenhauer) view point. As soon as you become pregnant, you will gain weight. Your body won't be the same after you have your child. It will consume all your waking thoughts for at least 18 years. In the beginning, you won't get much sleep. Every second you will be worrying about your spawn and all the bad things that could happen. The world is a jungle.

Your relationship with your spouse will drastically change. You will have less sex. Every second will be put into worrying or serving your child. Your spouse will now be second most important in your life and he will resent you for it. Leaving your house to go out will be a production. You will probably have to get a babysitter. How can you trust this babysitter? People are sharks. You NEVER can truly know someone.

You will be stressed, over worked, under-appreciated, over-weight and financially strapped. You will travel less. You will have to put your career goals on hold. You won't be able to travel as much or pursue your hobbies. Your life will become all about providing for that bundle of need. And even if you do your best, your child will still be at the mercy of his peers and of the world. Think of all the bad influences in our society today, in the schools and media.

And after 18 years of spending all the money you have, worrying your brains out and caring for your child, what do you get in return? You get their college tuition bill, which by the time your child enters college, will probably be around $100,000 per year.

What about after college? What about when you grow old? Well, if you're lucky, your bundle of need will put you in a decent nursing home and will visit you every couple months. And when you get old, what does your child really want? They want you to die quickly so they can cash in on their inheritance.

So, think logically. What rational reasons do you have for wanting a child?

[DKMM]

Utter nonsense Brian.

Aloe, make your baby when you're ready but try not to push your husband to it!  I guess it depends on how many you want to have.  3 or 4 is best so you should start before 25 for sure.

[Shadow]

Aloe from someone who has experience with the country and pregnancy, be sure your husband is ready.

As far as affording, Belgium will pay Eur 1.100 for the first baby plus Eur 80 monthly, a little bit more if your money is less. However... expect the little one to cost a lot more than that.
You will need to buy furniture, and regular supply of clothes and diapers, if you manage breast feeding for the first months. If not add milk...
So expect at least Eur 200 to go from your current budget in terms of being able to afford.

As for being pregnant while studying, MrsShadow managed, however it became pretty hard. You will be carrying up to 10kg of extra weight around during the last months, which you will have to get on and off the bus to go to your studies...

Once the baby is present, it will take up a lot of time, as you are the one who will have to take care of it mostly. The first couple of months you can forget about going to study anywhere except at home, and do not think you can get much done there. You will be either feeding, cooking, cleaning or resting from those activities, as babies do not care if it is 3AM when they get hungry. Expect your study to take longer, as you will have little to no time for it.

Are you still sure you wnat one now ? 

[Aloe]

Life is a pointless cycle that is stopped only when the Earth is too overpopulated by the human race that it goes extinct. By breeding, all you will be doing is contributing to that pointless cycle. The Earth is already overpopulated. Why do you want to contribute to this awful situation? Just so you can fufill the blind will that pointlessly drives the Universe?

Hey, Europe is dying out, they need all the numbers they can get    Otherwise in like 50 years there will be more seniors than working people, then who is gonna support this Utopia where nobody is homeless and nobody is hungry, and everybody has access to cheap good quality medicine?

From the moment that your child is born it will suffer. The first thing that a child does when it is born is cry.

Don't they do that to clear their breathing ways, cuz they had been filled up with liquid for 9 months?

While in the womb, the baby's lungs are filled with fluid, which is not breathable. Babies in gestation do not "breathe,"; instead, they ingest air through fluid and blood. This provides the baby with the air it needs. It is a misconception that babies "breathe" while in the womb. A baby can practice "breathing" while in the womb and even experience hiccups, but she is not actually breathing air.

Your child will be subjected to the will of the Universe just as all living beings are. Your child will be hungry, it will hurt, it will suffer just as all living things suffer. It will have physical and emotional needs that will never be fufilled. You will feed your child and its hunger will return. You will change its diaper and it will poop yet again.

I don't believe in whatever higher force you are bowing to. Call it god or universe or whatever.
Everybody gets hungry or hurt, that's part of the beauty of being a human: being able to experience such a wide array of things. But if you prefer to be a brick in your next incarnation, then feel free to lodge the request with the universe
 As for never fulfilled part, that depends if they turn out like me, or like my hubby. My hubby is one of the rare people who are happy with the little they have. Although if you look at it at a different angle, he has a roof, food, a job that he likes, a loving wife who shares his interests, what not to be happy about?

You may not even like your child. Remember, it will only be a cuddly infant for a year or two. Then, the child will grow into something you may despise. Think about the teenage years. Think about when your kid grows to only view you as a money machine. Think about all the people you know that fight constantly with their parents and siblings. Think about all the parents that don't even speak with their children. Think about all the dysfunctional families in the world. Think this couldn't happen to you? Think again.

It is cuddly for longer than that  I don't think i'll be viewed like a money machine. I don't view my parents that way, so why would they view me that way? If you raise them right, and with a little luck, they will be normal

Look at things from a practical (Schopenhauer) view point. As soon as you become pregnant, you will gain weight. Your body won't be the same after you have your child. It will consume all your waking thoughts for at least 18 years. In the beginning, you won't get much sleep. Every second you will be worrying about your spawn and all the bad things that could happen. The world is a jungle.

Dunno, look at Heidi Klum, she got to her previous shape and look 1 month after giving birth. If she can do it, everyone can Not in 1 month for sure, but in, say, half a year?
Yes, the worrying part i'm concerned about

Your relationship with your spouse will drastically change. You will have less sex. Every second will be put into worrying or serving your child. Your spouse will now be second most important in your life and he will resent you for it. Leaving your house to go out will be a production. You will probably have to get a babysitter. How can you trust this babysitter? People are sharks. You NEVER can truly know someone.

Hopefully, it will drastically change and become even better
Lucky grandma lives 10 minutes away.

You will be stressed, over worked, under-appreciated, over-weight and financially strapped. You will travel less. You will have to put your career goals on hold. You won't be able to travel as much or pursue your hobbies. Your life will become all about providing for that bundle of need. And even if you do your best, your child will still be at the mercy of his peers and of the world. Think of all the bad influences in our society today, in the schools and media.

Who says i'll be overweight? Do you have a crystal ball? You have to instill gratefulness into children from early age, then someday they will appreciate what we did for them, just like i appreciate what my parents did for me
We don't travel at all, so no change on that front. We already are a little financially strapped, so again, a little less strapped or more, same story, already used to it.

And after 18 years of spending all the money you have, worrying your brains out and caring for your child, what do you get in return? You get their college tuition bill, which by the time your child enters college, will probably be around $100,000 per year.

What about after college? What about when you grow old? Well, if you're lucky, your bundle of need will put you in a decent nursing home and will visit you every couple months. And when you get old, what does your child really want? They want you to die quickly so they can cash in on their inheritance.

Lucky college here costs 600 euro a year. Told you its Utopia!
When i grow old, and if i cant take care of myself, the state obliges children to pay for parents elderly home by law, if you cant pay yourself. And if they cant pay, then the state pays itself. I Swear, if they spoke english here, half the globe would have moved here by now.

[Aloe]

How many diapers a week does a baby use exactly? I have no slightest clue, is it like 10 or like 100 ?

[possum]

Whenever you decide to have children, don't stop at one.. have at least 2 or 3, preferably within a couple of years of one another.. That way you can save a bunch on clothes and other stuff.. I know a woman who has four children, all very close in age, and she keeps telling me how much of a blessing it has been to have had them one after another like that..

[Aloe]

Whenever you decide to have children, don't stop at one.. have at least 2 or 3, preferably within a couple of years of one another.. That way you can save a bunch on clothes and other stuff.. I know a woman who has four children, all very close in age, and she keeps telling me how much of a blessing it has been to have had them one after another like that..

Clothes dont go bad in storage. My MIL showed me some baby clothes of my husband, those are at least 22 years old and in excellent condition

[possum]

How many diapers a week does a baby use exactly? I have no slightest clue, is it like 10 or like 100 ?

6-8 diapers per day for a newborn would be a good estimate..

[possum]

Clothes dont go bad in storage. My MIL showed me some baby clothes of my husband, those are at least 22 years old and in excellent condition

But they go out of style.. Speaking more of kid's clothes, of course, as opposed to baby/toddler clothes.. Even in the socialist utopia known as the EU, hand-me-downs are widely accepted as a form of "clothes shopping" for siblings..

[kievstar]

Aloe, Belgium is a little different than the rest of the EU.  Expect it to break up into three parts in the future.  You will have the Eurozone of Brussels, the poor immigrants to the south (maybe get absorbed by France), and the rich north.  I believe you live toward Netherlands which is area with more money.  Right now the northern part tends to support the south.  However the south has the increase in young population with low paying jobs.  There is a reason the political parties are always fighting and sometimes government is suspended.  The quality of life will change as Belgium has a higher % of debt than USA and more and more companies are leaving Belgium than coming in.  You should hope for the split up of the country to keep the standards you get now.

When I worked in Belgium the people with money commuted from France, commuted from Netherlands, or lived on the Belgium / Netherlands border. 

That being said now is a good time for children.  You also live in the right area of Belgium. 

[Boethius]

Shadow is correct, you won't really have time to study when your baby is born.  I worked up to my due date during each of my pregnancies, so it's not difficult to do, though I didn't take buses.  With a newborn, you will barely have time to shower, let alone study, and you will sleep when the baby sleeps.  That settles after about a month, but none of my children slept through the night until past one year of age, though by six months, they were only up once in the night.

Newborns are different, but each of mine used at least a dozen diapers daily, though neither my husband nor I ever let them sit in soiled/wet diapers.

Children are a big expense, not so much when they are little, but as they get older.  So, even with state subsidies be sure you are both ready not only for the responsibility, but also the cost.  Double whatever you estimate.

[Gator]

My advice to you is, don't pressure your husband into having a baby.

Very wise if he has the same opinions as your devil's advocate position.  From having spent a lot of time with fathers at ball games, fishing trips, Boy Scout activities, recitals, graduations, etc., 95% of fathers are happy with their children, most are exuberantly proud.

Why do you want kids? Because you are being pushed by billions of years of evolution to procreate.

BrianW, do you support your belief by abstaining from related human impulses such as sex?

The first thing that a child does when it is born is cry.

My younger son did not cry.   He was crowning and I had to find the nurse and doctor.  My son made his appearance about one minute later.  He opened his eyes and did not cry.  The doctor placed him on his stomach on a table where he observed his strange new world.  To this day, he still is rather calm and silently observant.

You may not even like your child....Think about the teenage years.

There will be days well before teenage years when you believe parents should be allowed to eat their young.

Your body won't be the same after you have your child. It will consume all your waking thoughts for at least 18 years.

   A very selfish reason to not have children.   A woman I am dating now was  modeling evening dresses on a German runway within three months after birth of her daughter.

Your relationship with your spouse will drastically change.

Change, yes.  Drastically, no.  The change is profound and fulfilling.  Another stage of life.   And sex must be done with less noise.
 

[JR]

 he doesn't think we can afford it.

This seems to be his response to everything. My two cents is that he will always say that. His reasons are his own but your logic carries some good points Aloe.

[SMS60]

When to have a baby?

When you and your husband are in a 100% agreement on the issue.
\/ \/ see below

Last night when i explained to him how this was a perfect time to have a baby, cuz i have lots of time right now that i wont have later, he said it would be nice to have a baby, but he doesn't think we can afford it.

See above /\ /\
When people feel pressured to do something there will be resentment at some point with the issue. When a problem arises from the pressured event things will get heated. The friction starts. Make sure you are in 100% agreement with your hubby on having a child.

[kievstar]

In defense of Aloe's husband he just started working and he is in his twenties.  Salaries also are not very high in Belgium but you get a lot of perks however Aloe has stated in the past that his company is a little cheap.  As he gets older his salary will increase.  Having a baby now may cause a little financial hardship however the big item will be the amount of time Aloe will have to spend on the baby.  Boethius is right and your not going to be doing school unless you have a live in nanny.