How much of a hard ass do I need to be?

[JR]

JR, I think you're wrong.

I agree with Doll.  It is still early.  He has only been in the country 2 months.  It is also much more difficult for a man to adjust than for a woman, because a man's world, in many ways, is different, particularly for FSU men.  I believe Viking has stated there is no rift.

The bottom line, though, is he has to learn English.  I'd give it 2 years before I started complaining.

Two years to start learning or two years to be fluent? For how long did he know he was moving to an English speaking country? And he made no effort to learn prior to coming? My ex-wife devoured every means she had within her grasp to learn English before she got here. I understand quite well the difficulties of a woman leaving her home and moving to a completely different environment, many was the time I held my ex as she wept for the loss of everything she left behind.

This situation is not the same. This is a grown man making his own choices. No one put a gun to his head and forced him to come here. Unless the mom laid a heavy guilt trip on him he is here of his own free will. To have no interest in the absolute basic of learning the native language tells me he came here to continue to have "mommy" take care him.

They'll figure it out but I hope it's before it becomes the wedge that drives them to divorce.

[Boethius]

Two years to get his act together.  He is likely only in the US because of his mother's wishes.  He is young, and in love with a girl on the other side of the world.

No matter what, your wife sought out an American man.  So, in some sense, she was motivated to leave and build a new life in the West.  That's not the same, in any respect, for this young man.

I recognize he is a grown man, but I suspect his decision has been made out of respect for his mother.

[Misha]

From what Viking posted it seems that the man's heart isn't here, it's back home. Maybe he should be too, at least until he figures out what he wants. All he's doing now is causing a rift between his mom and her new husband.

He knows what he wants IMHO. He wants to work and he is working. He wants a driver's license and a car and he is working to get this. He wants to talk to his girlfriend and he does. The problem methinks is that viking wants him to want something else  Again, 7 weeks is not a long time to adjust. The only negative thing from what I read is that he is working for cash under the table.

[Gator]

Viking,

I read this thread rather quickly, so I can not comment on specific issues.

I have had the same general conflicts with my own sons over decades, so 7 weeks is really nothing.  Keep in mind that God is not finished with him, and one day you will probably be pleasantly amazed by the progress he makes.

My advice is to:  1)  give him plenty of emotional support such as acknowledging the good points of his ideas, 2) do some "man thing" together without Mama just for the fun of it, 3)  offer reasonable options, 4)  do not pay for his bad choices (he needs to learn responsibility), 5) keep the door open regardless of the path he chooses, and 6) try to be patient.

By the way, good luck!    

[Doll]

Agree with Gator, Misha and Boethius 100%.
Viking may be on the same page with his wife but the woman in between the rock and the fire.

[lovelyannie]

Viking, I  think that you are between the rock and the fire as well as your wife - you
want to be a good guy and to treat your wife's son like your own. Well, do so! Imagine the kid is your own son - what would you do in that case? Would you let your son to waste his time and to neglect his education for the sake of earning a couple of extra dollars? Would you let him spend all the time in front of the computer preventing you from using it? Of course not. So, just be as much of a hardass as you would be with your own son. I would not discourage him from working - earning his own money gives him the feeling he is not worth-to-nothing. But I would make him go to college to learn English - if the money is a problem, he can apply at the local Literacy Council for a free tutor or find some other free opportunities. No cell-phone talks with Russia - let him use Skype, emails and Magic Jack (we pay $10 for 7 hours of phone talk with Russia).
The kid needs help, definitely, but sometimes the help of a father is   to be tough.
I am very thankful to my husband, when he is tough with my 16yo son - that's what boys need to be good boys. He is strict and generous and kind at the same time. Which gives the kid the feeling he is taken care of and he is not left alone neither with his needs or troubles, nor with his idleness.

[GQBlues]

How much of a hard ass?

Viking will be fine. I reckon that reaching this point of his journey suggest no surprises is in the offing because he likely...

a) ...already discussed this at lenght both with his fiancee and her child during his visits/their courtship stage and presumably worked out details as much as they could and everyone understood their respective expectations and obligations.

b) ..understands that he's pretty much set in his way considering he's nearing 21 years of age (during courtship days). Appropriate parenting need to be left with the natural parent. Support and guidance is really all that's left for Viking.

c) ..understands that he's (son) as much part of 'her' as she (wife) is part of 'him'. Package deal, no?

d) ...was well aware there will be a longer period of adjustment for 'him' (son) than it will ever be for 'her' since he'll be void of the clarity of where he belongs in this new society unlike 'her'.

e) ...understands shooing him to the army or any such silly dumpsite, after only 2 months of being here, as an option to rid of the nuances involved in sponsoring people of another life and culture after willingly and freely accepting that obligation before; is a cop-out from what he had openly opted and chose before.

f) ...understands he needs to be steady in the decision he made for himself, unless the SIL shows utter disrespect for the 'new home and household' he provided for them.

g) ...is man who stands behind his decision and conviction.

So...when all is said and done being a hard ass hardly even come close to being a consideration.

What I am surprised about however is, why is the 'language' issue even an issue now? Shouldn't they had at least prepared and/or started learning English BEFORE they decided coming to the US?

[viking]

What I am surprised about however is, why is the 'language' issue even an issue now? Shouldn't they had at least prepared and/or started learning English BEFORE they decided coming to the US?

GQ

For 18 months prior to his arrival here, he was in the army of Belarus. No chance to learn English. And prior to that, the decision for me to marry his mother was not yet decided ( we were not even engaged yet) and therefore no reason for him to learn another language.

[mies]

GQ

For 18 months prior to his arrival here, he was in the army of Belarus. No chance to learn English. And prior to that, the decision for me to marry his mother was not yet decided ( we were not even engaged yet) and therefore no reason for him to learn another language.

now I understand what he was doing back in Belarus from 18yo to 21yo.
Don't send him to Army again. At least not now, and not by force. Help him learn the language and get college education.

[GQBlues]

GQ

For 18 months prior to his arrival here, he was in the army of Belarus. No chance to learn English. And prior to that, the decision for me to marry his mother was not yet decided ( we were not even engaged yet) and therefore no reason for him to learn another language.

Understood Viking.

The single biggest 'help' you'll get right now is the kid meeting someone, anyone, living close to where you folks are that he can 'be-friend' and sort of show him 'life' surrounding him now. This should also help immensely with his language learning or at least inspire him to do so. Preferably a cute female. As you well know, they can be far more inspiring than any other for helpless males that we are...  

I've said before upthread Viking, be as steady as a rock. Leave most, if not all, parenting to your wife and just let him know you're as supportive to him as you are to your wife. I am confident you already know this...

Good luck!

[FredC]

Why take him to an electronics store to look at computers? Get on Craigslist and find him a use one that he can pay for, I bet it will cost under $100.

If a car is another goal, tell him you will help him buy a used car if he attends English classes. As an added bonus, if he is as mechanical as you say, you could work on the car together and have some male bonding.

Just a thought.

[mies]

Why take him to en electronics store to look at computers?

because while in the store - he can try various gadgets, see how they work, pick the most favorite and the most affordable one. Set the goal. Going to CL does  little for motivation. Going to the store is not for buying computer. It is for showing the guy what he can buy if he studies, gets normal legal job, and learns English.

I know what I am talking about, just recently organized a "tour" to the computer store for a young friend visiting from Ukraine. Trust me. It's a great motivator

[FredC]

Not to hijack this thread, I can see where going to the store could be a motivator. I can see where teaching him about buying used can show him how to save money. Both are lessons to be learned.

[mies]

Not to hijack this thread, I can see where going to the store could be a motivator. I can see where teaching him about buying used can show him how to save money. Both are lessons to be learned.

agree fully.