My divorce

[The Natural]

I was a member of Bride.ru and started writing to many women from Russia and Ukraine. I was being practical about it and wrote only to those who knew English and as time went by, narrowed the numbers down one by one. Some went away on the way by themselves, of course, as can only be expected. The one I finally chose was not the most beautiful, but she was smart and pleasing to write to and talk to on the phone.
We agreed to meet and I went to Siberia in 2003. She lived with her mother and her 4 year old son in a small apartment. But her mother stayed with her family and took the son with her, so that we could spend time alone and getting to know each other. I came back the following year and we got married and in the summer of 2005 my wife and her son came to live with me.

The first few months she was feeling home-sick but otherwise doing fine. She took the bus to language classes and studied hard. Her son of 6 started school just a month after coming here and although he has a shy temperament, he learned the language within a few months and settled very well.

Many times one hears about the mother-in-law being a bit of a strain on the marriage. Well, not in our case. My wife`s mother came for a 3 month visit in 2006 and she enjoyed it very much. She also speaks English and I always had a great relationship with her.

Then we bought an old house together and moved. My wife got a job in August 2006, in the same village we lived in. She and her son went to Russia in 2007 for the summer holiday while I worked on improving the house.

A  year later she declared that she was moving out. I cannot really point to a single factor in this decision, it was a gradual thing. We drifted in different directions to put it that way. I suppose the physical attraction wasn`t as strong as we first thought it would be. We didn`t have enough in common. We didn`t do much together or as a family. She felt I didn`t pay her enough attention and complained about me having a few drinks occasionally. I complained that she didn`t appreciate all the work I did on the house and I also felt like she viewed herself and her son as something apart from me. We were both at fault as we didn`t take action and sit down and talk about it.
Just to make it perfectly clear, it was not a question of any domestic violence, infidelity or anything dramatic like that.

Then she and her son moved into an apartment in our village. In the summer of 2009 she cried and asked if we could get together again. I didn`t blow off the idea but she did have an affair with a guy at her work. She said she didn`t want to move with him. Some months went by without much discussion of the specifics, but eventually we sat down and talked a little about it. She said she wanted money for herself and her son, of her salary. She wanted to keep 60% of her salary and the rest to go to other family expenses. We had the mortgage together but the payment went from my account.

So I agreed there and then but when I thought more about it I had second thoughts. I kind of felt like in a family we don`t think in terms of me and you but rather as a unity. The 40% of her salary that she was willing to bring into the unit was small and barely covered living expenses for her and her son. And when she asked me if the reason I was willing to let them come back was of an economic nature, I put the foot down. Money was never an issue for me, so that really turned me off. She said that we would talk about it later but time went by and suddenly I heard from others that she had moved to her collegue`s house.

But we have been nice to each other and I see her often as she work in the shop just across the road from my house. Our divorce is official and we are in the process of signing her part of the mortage and the house over to me. We have agreed on everything that we had together and she is certainly not unreasonable in what she wanted from our 3 years together here in Norway.

A divorce is of course not what one hopes for in life, but I am, and I`m sure she is, happy that we have worked it out together and are good friends. We talk about each other`s lives and are very friendly towards each other. That`s a really good thing.

[Muzh]

Roy, welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear about your divorce but at the same time sort of happy that you two could work it out and remain friends. You are an inspiration to many.

Godspeed.

[The Natural]

Thank you, I appreciate that 

[Gator]

Roy, welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear about your divorce but at the same time sort of happy that you two could work it out and remain friends. You are an inspiration to many.

Roy?  A Norwegian name?  Ah, Roy as in Roy Hobbs. 

It seems that you were unlucky with the choice of wife because the two of you did not bond.   Yet you are lucky that it ended so amicably. 

Are you thinking about another RW wife?

[Turboguy]

Roy, welcome to RWD and thanks for sharing your story.  I am sad that it didn't work out for you.  It is nice that you can still be friends.  Sometimes it is easy to find that someone you thought was the right person for you was not.  It is hard with all the distance to know each other as well as you should before making these committments but life doesn't always go the way we expect.  You have my best wishes for future happiness.

[SMS60]

How do you know the OP's name is Roy? I must be blind because I cant find it in the first post???????????

[Gator]

How do you know the OP's name is Roy? I must be blind because I cant find it in the first post???????????

You must have me on ignore. 

Didn't your Dad take you to the theater to see The Natural. 

[BC]

Roy,

Welcome to RWD!

I'm a firm believer that relationships are not built to last forever.  I applaud those that do, like the one my parents have enjoyed for the last 50 years - a very exceptional union in today's world and one I can only look up to with hope for anything remotely similar.

I really appreciate your candidness and most of all appreciation of your own faults.. - I call that growth.

It is good to hear that regardless of the irreconcilable differences that existed in your relationship, both of you are 'moving on' in a peaceful manner.. - also quite an achievement in today's world, especially considerate of the relationship between you and the child involved..  How did he take the goings on?

I assume you are back in the 'game'? .. and if so does intent remain to chase another FSU woman?



 

[The Natural]

Roy, welcome to RWD and thanks for sharing your story.  I am sad that it didn't work out for you.  It is nice that you can still be friends.  Sometimes it is easy to find that someone you thought was the right person for you was not.  It is hard with all the distance to know each other as well as you should before making these committments but life doesn't always go the way we expect.  You have my best wishes for future happiness.

Thank you very much Turboguy. I`m doing just fine. Have a good life but miss someone to share it with. But compared to so many people around the world in this day and age, I have nothing to complain about 

[SFandEE]

The way you tell the story you were very reasonable about the situation.  I guess sometimes marriage goes this way, although it is a shame since it sounds like you both able to live together without much tumult.  Hope things continue to improve for you.

It is nice to hear the word village--since we rarely use that term in USA.  I was thinking you were from Germany at first.

[SMS60]

You must have me on ignore.  

Didn't your Dad take you to the theater to see The Natural.  

No ignore and No theater


Well, to be blunt I would say she always looked at you as a friend and not a husband or lover. Maybe you were the means to a goal. The type of woman you describe is a branch swinger. They never let go of a branch until they have a firm grasp on another. Which is what you experienced with her boyfriend and collegues. She wouldn't leave you until she was secure with another man and vice versa. You are better off now. Choose wisely the next time.

[The Natural]

Roy?  A Norwegian name?  Ah, Roy as in Roy Hobbs. 

It seems that you were unlucky with the choice of wife because the two of you did not bond.   Yet you are lucky that it ended so amicably. 

Are you thinking about another RW wife?

I wrote this before but it didn`t make it so here I go again;

It puzzled me a little, this name Roy. But then I remeembered way back someone made
a comment to my nick and it was something about a movie and a baseball player, right?

No, I took this nick in 1998 after a Pro-wrestler with that nick, as I used to watch that years and years ago.

But the funny thing is that I have a brother named Roy  


I do think about finding a new wife yes. But it doesn`t have to be a Russian one. Maybe I will be criticized of having a weak imagination if I do that again, haha. It might also be good to find someone from one of the Baltic countries or other member countries of the EU, considering it will be less hassle with all the paper work which I really hate.

[Muzh]

No ignore and No theater


Well, to be blunt I would say she always looked at you as a friend and not a husband or lover. Maybe you were the means to a goal. The type of woman you describe is a branch swinger. They never let go of a branch until they have a firm grasp on another. Which is what you experienced with her boyfriend and collegues. She wouldn't leave you until she was secure with another man and vice versa. You are better off now. Choose wisely the next time.

Geez, all this from what he wrote? You must be good with tea leaves.

Or...

Is it that women are the plague and should be avoided as much as posible and incarcerate them in the basement?

[The Natural]

Well, to be blunt I would say she always looked at you as a friend and not a husband or lover. Maybe you were the means to a goal. The type of woman you describe is a branch swinger. They never let go of a branch until they have a firm grasp on another. Which is what you experienced with her boyfriend and collegues. She wouldn't leave you until she was secure with another man and vice versa. You are better off now. Choose wisely the next time.

Well, perhaps. But on the other side, she is in a foreign country and like everybody else she needs to feel secure.

She actually said later on that she would wish to go back to Russia. When I asked her if she was going to do that, she replied: "No, I can`t do that to my son". Meaning, her son is so integrated and it would practically be child abuse to take him back to his home country which now is foreign to him.

[The Natural]

The way you tell the story you were very reasonable about the situation.  I guess sometimes marriage goes this way, although it is a shame since it sounds like you both able to live together without much tumult.  Hope things continue to improve for you.

It is nice to hear the word village--since we rarely use that term in USA.  I was thinking you were from Germany at first.

Village People, hehe. I guess in the US you use the words small town. But in bigger countries when they speak of small towns they mean like a few thousand people. I`m talking small here. My village is 300 people and it`s one of the bigger ones in a county of just 5000.

[Turboguy]

If my failing memory is correct there was a Robert Redford movie titled "The Natural" in which he played Roy Hobbs who was a promising young baseball player who was shot during a dalince with a hot woman.  He got out of baseball and tried to make a comeback later in life when most guys were washed up.  He had a bat named Wonder Boy and when they finally let him play he led the team from the cellar to the playoffs.  I liked the movie.

I too would have associated the name the Natural with that movie and must not be a wrestling fan since I never heard of that "Natural"

Well, I think of myself as living in a villiage but in comparison it is almost a metropolis since it is bigger than you mention for your country.

[The Natural]

Well, the whole country is 4,9 million, still small by most standards.

As most Europeans, I know nothing about baseball. And what you US people call football is for me more similar to handball, or rugby with extra padding 

But I know about American style wrestling with Hulk Hogan and the rest ... and The Natural Butch Reed.

[Faux Pas]

Some marriages just don't work out for a bevy of reasons and the couple involved are still good, well meaning people. There doesn't have to be ill will although many times it is an eventuality.

Roy, there is also Nature Boy Ric Flair 

[I/O]

Very dignified but still a pity.

[Nat]

Hi The Natural! Welcome to the forum!
You sound like a very nice and reasonable guy! I'm sure that eventually you'll find a woman of your dreams
I sincerely wouldn't advice you to look for her in FSU again. The matter is that the mentality of Northern countries and FSU differs dramatically in terms of family economics, and what is considered to be not only totally accepted, but absolutely normal in Northern countries is a huge turn off and nearly an insult in FSU. The perception of money issues is absolutely different.

[Daveman]

Hi The Natural! Welcome to the forum!
You sound like a very nice and reasonable guy! I'm sure that eventually you'll find a woman of your dreams
I sincerely wouldn't advice you to look for her in FSU again. The matter is that the mentality of Northern countries and FSU differs dramatically in terms of family economics, and what is considered to be not only totally accepted, but absolutely normal in Northern countries is a huge turn off and nearly an insult in FSU. The perception of money issues is absolutely different.

Nat, interesting and very pertinent observations...  Would you mind elaborating a little on your thoughts?  How do you see the mentality as different?  What do you consider to be "normal" in Northern countries that is a huge turn off and nearly an insult in the FSU? Conversely, what is normal for FSU?  How do the perceptions of money issues differ?

This is often stated but rarely are more in-depth discussions or analyses developed. IMO, these differences and the coming to terms with them are important issues in these cross cultural relationships.

 

[Aloe]

Nat, interesting and very pertinent observations...  Would you mind elaborating a little on your thoughts?  How do you see the mentality as different?  What do you consider to be "normal" in Northern countries that is a huge turn off and nearly an insult in the FSU? Conversely, what is normal for FSU?  How do the perceptions of money issues differ?

This is often stated but rarely are more in-depth discussions or analyses developed. IMO, these differences and the coming to terms with them are important issues in these cross cultural relationships.

I think Nat is referring to the mentality that i notice around here too, you have your money, i have my money, there is no "everything is ours" mentality, at least not so much. In FSU everyone i know in family it was only "ours" mentality, never seperate accounts, only shared everything. Here it isn't so common to share everything, and i find it a bit strange. But the author does refer to this kind of yours/mine separation as weird, so i think he has the right mindset for FSU That everything in a couple is "ours", and it's weird to have seperate accounts and then portion who gives what.
As for the whole situation, somebody on this forum said this before: Many people, both men and women, marry simply a person they like, hoping to grow in love after being married, but sometimes it just doesn't happen.
I hope you will find your love, The natural

[GregfromGa]

There certainly is no model or exact science to go by when you embark on this journey. It takes an incredible amount of patience to get past some of the cultural stuff. It's always a work in progress. Hopefully things will get better for you. We came close to going down the road that you are on. In my case I know my mother-in-law is not so supportive. She thinks I stole her baby girl from her. It's really sad. One day I hope the light will come on and she'll realize that all the bickering wasnt worth it. Life is just too short to make a big deal about socks not being in their respective place or the floor being vacuumed twice a day instead of 3 times. I'm trying but it's tough. I would say I deserve a medal or a monument erected but my kids are medals enough. Hope it gets better for you in a hurry.

[chivo]

I agree that the mentality regarding money is different in the FSU as opposed to the west. However, I don't think this was the cause of their break up, merely the final straw.

As for the whole situation, somebody on this forum said this before: Many people, both men and women, marry simply a person they like, hoping to grow in love after being married, but sometimes it just doesn't happen.

To me this was the main problem.

You have to remember the mentality of a RW/FSUW with a child. Whether anyone wants to believe it or not, the mentality is that it's just about impossible for a RW with a child to find a reliable husband/suitor in Russia who will love her and her child (someone else's child so the thought goes in Russia).

Her main goal was/is of course to further the raising and development of the child. Given her situation at that time compared to a perceived opportunity in another country and the possibility of love, the risk was worth taking hoping that love would follow. It just didn't happen.

[GoodOlBoy]

Nat.....Would you mind elaborating a little on your thoughts?  How do you see the mentality as different?  What do you consider to be "normal" in Northern countries that is a huge turn off and nearly an insult in the FSU? Conversely, what is normal for FSU?  How do the perceptions of money issues differ?

Now this would be an interesting topic!
Yes, please give us your opinion/observations Nat.

GOB