Is this an unreasonable desire?

[Boethius]

Aloe, I agree with mies, that if the bank account is held in your husband's name, you should tell him you want it to be held jointly.  That should be non negotiable.
 
We are only getting one side of the story.  It does not sound as if Aloe's husband hit her, though certainly, it was wrong of him to manhandle her.  I agree with Shadow, that the lack of money is probably a stress on the relationship.  The respect can be worked on, the selfish behaviour can be worked on.   Remember, they have been married just a little over two years, and both came from their parents' homes.  This is very early in a relationship, with a couple that are probably both still immature and still getting used to compromise, working together, and learning about each other.  Throwing the laundry basket was not mature either.  Deflecting an unreasonable request with humour, rather than anger, will get your point across, Aloe. 
 
It was not too long ago that Aloe was thinking of getting pregnant.  They may very well make up after this blow up, and in six months, she'll again think her husband is an awesome guy. 
 
Aloe, you stated you can't let ago of past grievances.  You have to.  Once an argument has been resolved, forgive and forget.  To do otherwise will poison you.  That goes not only for marriage, but all relationships.  Don't throw past grievances, or past words, in anyone's face.
 
I know you may not want to do so, but I agree with GOB that talking with your mother is a good idea.  When you have a school break, you may even want to take a little of that birthday money, and take a trip to see them, with your husband if he is willing to go, without him if he is not.   In some ways, it would be better to go without him, as you will have time to reflect on your relationship in his absence.   
 
I am a big believer in listening to your "inner voice".  Go somewhere completely silent, drain your mind of thoughts, and let your "inner voice", your "gut" tell you what to do.
 
 

[BC]

Aloe,

It appears that you are rapidly outgrowing your hubby.  The gap between you will widen because your intellectual curiosity will compel you to discover more of the world while he wants a boring life at home.  Even if he were respectful of you (and he is not), you do not impress me as someone who could accept boredom. 

Excellent observation.

The adjustment period is not one sided..  Sounds also like Aloe has adjusted well for the circumstances but husband not..

Will take a lot of effort to get things in order, to include good counseling, even if only for yourself.. It's most important that you be able to keep your head straight regardless of those around you.  Crazy catches quickly.

Check  http://www.chsbelgium.org/mental_health_centre.htm

How much will a consultation cost me?
Many parameters will be considered in determining the cost. A reasonable fee will be charged. The fee will be discussed with your therapist, and no-one will be turned away for lack of funds.

CHS runs the Mental Health Centre in Brussels. Our professional team of psychologists, psychotherapists and psychiatrists offers confidential support and professional services to English speakers of any nationality. We deal with a wide range of problems, including but not limited to:
Children’s learning and behavioural difficulties
Parenting issues
Drug and alcohol addiction
Depression and anxiety
Acute distress and behavioural change
Marital and family difficulties
Bereavement

Also seems they deal with a lot of ex-pat issues  http://www.chsbelgium.org/whyCHS.htm

Here in Italy, each community has a free family services unit with a psychologist and even lawyer available.  Don't know about Belgium, but there may be free services available. 

Gator says 'good luck'.. I'll add 'just pick up the phone'.

[BC]

Aloe, I agree with mies, that if the bank account is held in your husband's name, you should tell him you want it to be held jointly.  That should be non negotiable.

I think trying to force this point at this time has potential to escalate in a negative way.  Work on the root issues first.

[ML]

I can't understand the very first point.
As I understand it, Aloe had a seperate bank account with  the car money in it.
Why did she ever agree to move it to another account that was either joint or perhaps the husband's alone?

And now wanting to 'close the door after horse out of barn.'

[Aloe]

Thank you everyone for posting and kind words.  I do feel a lot better !!

Well said that man. 


Aloe, hints have been dropped in the topic that your husband may be in his twenties still? What are your respective ages?

I'm 23 and he's 28.

Aloe,
 
who's name the car is on?
 
do you have access to bank statements to check if it is a joint account?

The car is in my name.
We don't get any paper bank statements, but i can easily access online banking. It doesn't say there anything about any account holders though.

Yes, I am sure he did.


Given what he said about wanting a marriage/relationship like his father's I doubt he is looking for an equal.



It might be good to ask if he still believes that his father has the ideal relationship.
 

Yes. What are the things that you share in common? I believe that you met playing an online video game IIRC.


Only you know that. However, it is important that you finish your studies, and whatever you do, don't have a child until you know for sure.

That's a good idea. I'll ask.

We do like playing games, but lately there is no time for any games. So all we do together is eat dinner, watch tv and occasionally play a board game. But i wanna travel and see things. We are 1-2 hours by train away from Paris, London and Amsterdam. Germany is just a little farther. It seems a crime to not be taking advantage of it and doing like little trips on the weekend. Or just going out to see something in Belgium itself. But he doesn't wanna do any of, he just isn't interested. His common phrase on that subject is "why would i wanna see some old crap? i like new things, not some ancient half broken stuff".
He just doesn't like seeing things. I don't think it would change if he had more money.
When we went to Spain, he was like that too.  We lived at his mom's place there, there is also a car there. He refused to drive to the nearest big city to see something, because "1 hour is way too long of a drive". He just wants to sit on the beach and tan. I freakin hate tanning, it feels like someone is frying me on a pan, i sweat like a pig and feel like i'm burning alive. Hate it. But he makes me tan because it's so important for him that it's tan or divorce.
So yeah, it appears that video and board games are our only common interest.

Aloe
I am basing this post off of your current and previous posts, I have no way of knowing the true dynamics of your relationship with your husband.
I'm not the ideal person for marital advice, but I've been a police officer for over 16 years now and have seen every type of emotional and physical abuse you can think of. Unless he is defending himself there is no valid reason for a husband to put hands on his wife.  You talk about the bad parts of the relationship then you defend his actions-this is a classic sign.  Take a look at the link I provided and honestly ask yourself -do any of these apply to your situation?
http://www.turningpointservices.org/Domestic%20Violence%20-%20Power%20and%20Control%20Wheel.htm
 
Think everything over and ask yourself this question;
Am I better with or without him?

He has done at least 2-3 things out of the emotional abuse section. But those were all different things. And later he said it was wrong of him and he's not gonna do it again, and he hasn't done them again so far. The only thing he did repeatedly was trying to get his point across, as in "go vacuum now or divorce" or "tan or divorce". Who says something like that? I fear it irreparably damaged my feelings for him.

Aloe, I agree with mies, that if the bank account is held in your husband's name, you should tell him you want it to be held jointly.  That should be non negotiable.
 
We are only getting one side of the story.  It does not sound as if Aloe's husband hit her, though certainly, it was wrong of him to manhandle her.  I agree with Shadow, that the lack of money is probably a stress on the relationship.  The respect can be worked on, the selfish behaviour can be worked on.   Remember, they have been married just a little over two years, and both came from their parents' homes.  This is very early in a relationship, with a couple that are probably both still immature and still getting used to compromise, working together, and learning about each other.  Throwing the laundry basket was not mature either.  Deflecting an unreasonable request with humour, rather than anger, will get your point across, Aloe. 
 
It was not too long ago that Aloe was thinking of getting pregnant.  They may very well make up after this blow up, and in six months, she'll again think her husband is an awesome guy. 
 
Aloe, you stated you can't let ago of past grievances.  You have to.  Once an argument has been resolved, forgive and forget.  To do otherwise will poison you.  That goes not only for marriage, but all relationships.  Don't throw past grievances, or past words, in anyone's face.
 
I know you may not want to do so, but I agree with GOB that talking with your mother is a good idea.  When you have a school break, you may even want to take a little of that birthday money, and take a trip to see them, with your husband if he is willing to go, without him if he is not.   In some ways, it would be better to go without him, as you will have time to reflect on your relationship in his absence.   
 
I am a big believer in listening to your "inner voice".  Go somewhere completely silent, drain your mind of thoughts, and let your "inner voice", your "gut" tell you what to do.

How am i supposed to let go of old arguments if they still bother me and whenever i try to talk about it i get "don't throw old arguments in my face"? I'm not throwing anything, i calmly try to explain why i feel the way i feel, for example why i feel unsafe and unsure of him. Because he tried to force me on a break and because he repeatedly threatened to divorce me in our first year, how else can i explain my feelings  without reminding him of that?

I am so not gonna talk to my mom about any of this. I don't wanna speak bad of her, but she is kind of immature and there is no grey for her, only black and white. If i utter a critisizm about my hubby, she is gonna immediately kick into "what an asshole, drop him like a hot potato" mode. And then she will not stop forcibly voicing her opinion about it. She still tries to tell me how i look horrible with my haircut and i should change it. In spite of my telling that i like my hair this way, my hubby likes my hair this way, and she can stop telling me because i heard her opinion already and i'm not going to change my haircut. But no, she tells me with an amazing regularity how this haircut does not suit me and makes me unattractive. And other things. She just won't stop trying to force her opinion on me about everything, be it haircut or anything else. So god forbid to complain to her about my husband, i will never stop hearing it repeated back to me 3 quadrillion times in spite of my clearly saying that i heard her and she doesn't need to say it 3000 times. And then she will call all our relatives and tell it to them.


I do like the idea of going somewhere silent to contemplate it, but that would cost money, and hubby wouldn't approve. Besides as far as he knows everything is great. Because whenever i try to talk about something that bothers me, he gets annoyed that i'm still talking about those old arguments, while i'm trying to explain how i feel. And it's not enough to say that i feel that way, he always asks why do i feel this way? So i have to explain. It's a vicious circle.
So if i were to write him a letter, as suggested, and state my feelings, he would definitely ask why do i feel this way? And then i can't explain it without annoying him, because i have to talk about the past arguments to explain my feelings.

[Aloe]

BC, thanks a lot for the link!!!! I'll call them and see how much it costs. I hope not too much, i've looked up counselors online, they ask astronomic sums for one hour, like 100 bucks.

[Misha]

But he makes me tan because it's so important for him that it's tan or divorce.

Боже мой! That really screams out control freak.

So yeah, it appears that video and board games are our only common interest.

You come across as best buds, not a married couple    Will video and board games be sufficient in 10 or 20 years?

[ML]

I am so not gonna talk to my mom about any of this. I don't wanna speak bad of her, but she is kind of immature and there is no grey for her, only black and white. If i utter a critisizm about my hubby, she is gonna immediately kick into "what an asshole, drop him like a hot potato" mode.

I agree with you here.  It is quite common that relatives and  close friends will remember only the bad things you say about a spouse.  Then, later, after a person has cooled down or  gotten over the  problem with the spouse, the friends/relatives never forget and always think of the spouse in that negative light.

Best to vent to total strangers it seems.

[acrzybear]

Part of a relationship is to sometimes do things you may not like to do, but you do them with your partner to make them happy and they do the same for you.  I am sure there are places you can go and be by yourself in Belgium.  That is an excellent idea to go clear your head, and that would be a good time think think about my previous statement-are better with or without him? Where do you see yourself in 5, 10 20 years? Do you want to try and work things out? Are you willing to continue with the life you have now? Do you see things improving in the near or distant future?
These are questions only you can truthfully answer.

[ML]

"The only thing he did repeatedly was trying to get his point across, as in "go vacuum now or divorce" or "tan or divorce". Who says something like that?"

What language are you communicating in, English, Dutch or what?
Any chance of misinterpretations or misreading the seriousness/playfulness of comments?

[alex330]

We do like playing games, but lately there is no time for any games. So all we do together is eat dinner, watch tv and occasionally play a board game. But i wanna travel and see things. We are 1-2 hours by train away from Paris, London and Amsterdam. Germany is just a little farther. It seems a crime to not be taking advantage of it and doing like little trips on the weekend. Or just going out to see something in Belgium itself. But he doesn't wanna do any of, he just isn't interested. His common phrase on that subject is "why would i wanna see some old crap? i like new things, not some ancient half broken stuff".
He just doesn't like seeing things. I don't think it would change if he had more money.
When we went to Spain, he was like that too.  We lived at his mom's place there, there is also a car there. He refused to drive to the nearest big city to see something, because "1 hour is way too long of a drive".

Is your husband depressed or unhappy in the relationship? Many guys I know will withdraw and not treat their partners with the respect they deserve because they are not happy. Withdrawal from participating in things as a couple occurs. They are pushing them away so as to not be the bad guy.

Sometimes men as providers will feel like they cannot abandon their partner even if they are no longer happy. It can drag on for years with both parties being unhappy when in reality a sit down and heart to heart talk should take place.

Not saying this is the case with your relationship. There is lots of good advice here and you sound like a smart woman. Just adding a few thoughts from some personal experience.

[Muzh]

He has done at least 2-3 things out of the emotional abuse section. But those were all different things. And later he said it was wrong of him and he's not gonna do it again, and he hasn't done them again so far. The only thing he did repeatedly was trying to get his point across, as in "go vacuum now or divorce" or "tan or divorce". Who says something like that? I fear it irreparably damaged my feelings for him.

Oy vey.

How am i supposed to let go of old arguments if they still bother me and whenever i try to talk about it i get "don't throw old arguments in my face"? I'm not throwing anything, i calmly try to explain why i feel the way i feel, for example why i feel unsafe and unsure of him. Because he tried to force me on a break and because he repeatedly threatened to divorce me in our first year, how else can i explain my feelings  without reminding him of that?
 

My dear child, the only point I agree with Boe's post was this. As you grow older, you'll see how useless is holding a grudge (that's what old arguments are). It will only make you feel older, like an old hag.
 
Aside: Boe, I know what you're trying and it is comendable. However, listen carefully for key words she is saying.

I am so not gonna talk to my mom about any of this. I don't wanna speak bad of her, but she is kind of immature and there is no grey for her, only black and white. If i utter a critisizm about my hubby, she is gonna immediately kick into "what an asshole, drop him like a hot potato" mode. And then she will not stop forcibly voicing her opinion about it.
 

You are a smart cookie. 

I do like the idea of going somewhere silent to contemplate it, but that would cost money, and hubby wouldn't approve.
 

That should not be your concern right now. Calmly say to him that you need time to evaluate where your relationship with him is at the moment. And please, just do it.
 

Besides as far as he knows everything is great. Because whenever i try to talk about something that bothers me, he gets annoyed that i'm still talking about those old arguments, while i'm trying to explain how i feel. And it's not enough to say that i feel that way, he always asks why do i feel this way? So i have to explain. It's a vicious circle.
 

I was talking to my supervisor yesterday morning about my waterboarding MIL's visit and we got a little bit deeper into stuff. I've known her for a very long time. What you just said in the above paragraph, she has experienced it for 25 years and, as she said, unfortunately stayed for the children. Now it would be too expensive to divorce. I know her husband very well too. He is not an abuser nor a guy with a temper nor a person to get violent. However, his wife is fed up with him and she is at a point where she doesn't care at all. Why? Because her feelings are wrong, always, and everything is okay.

So if i were to write him a letter, as suggested, and state my feelings, he would definitely ask why do i feel this way? And then i can't explain it without annoying him, because i have to talk about the past arguments to explain my feelings.

Good luck with that. IF he decides to give you the time of day, then by all means talk to him. However, I'll bet you anything that you will be correct. If you want to be successful, be straight to the point and tell him how you feel, not what he did (this and that) is making you feel this way.
 
I really hope he listens. If he dismisses you then Ride, captain ride upon your mystery ship
Be amazed at the friends you have here on your trip.

[tim 360]

Aloe, it is depressing to read how things are going in your relationship with your hubby.  It does not sound very good at all and must take a mental/emotional toll upon you every day.  I hope you can find good professional help because from what I have read you need it.  If hubby won't take part, try and get some counseling for yourself since this can be a difficult road to walk alone.
 
"tan or divorce" and "xxx or divorce" are not the words you need in a good relationship.

[wicheese]

In regards to Aloes original post, it does seem reasonable to get up and take someone to the train station, even if it means getting up a few minutes early. 
 
Anyways, lots of issues here and it might not be anyones fault other than they probably did not take enough time to to get to know each other before deciding to get hitched.  It's also one of the many reasons why I would not recommend anyone to look for love overseas as the way to truly get to know a person is by spending an entire year together so you see how each other changes through the seasons and that's hard to do when you live several time zones apart, IMHO (and by seasons you might be talking about sports seasons for some  ).  I doubt the "hubby" is a different person now than when they got married, but after two years of his bad habits granding on Aloe, the breaking point is near.   
 
The question that Aloe and her hubby need to decide is, has a point of no return been reached?  Are they both willing to work to fix things?  Both are pretty easy to answer, but much better to talk it over with a counselor (good advice provided earlier) than on a board such as this where only one side of the story is being heard which can lead to a biased slant in opinions being given.
 

[Manny]

I'm 23 and he's 28.

He sounds quite immature; you sound the opposite.

At 28, he is still quite young to be married. Many guys mature quite slowly. You are expecting a young bloke to behave like a man. He obviously can't.

Unfortunately, it might take ten years for him to grow up. He may have lost you by then.

Good luck.

[Shadow]

Some small things...

Aloe you are confused by the mentality of people from a small country. In Moscow if you travel for 1 hour or even 2 hours it is no big deal.
Going somewhere that is within range of 2 hours is usual, and so are larger distances. However for most people who live in small countries like Holland and Belgium, a distance of 100km or a 2-hour journey seems an awful far away trip.

People have always been amazed that my family had no issue to drive to Germany for shopping, or how we still drive once a month to get Russian products, which I by now prefer over the local supermarket products...
In your list you are forgetting Maastricht (about 30 minutes), Aachen (lessbthan 1 hour) and Koln (an hour and a half)

As for common interest in video games, the Shadows are 10 to 20 years older and have no problem in sharing the same...

So your hubby may be a bit of a bore, but perhaps by teasing him with it (in a joking way, not an annoying one) you might get him to go somewhere.
However if he does agree and you are spending time traveling together please do not take that as an opportunity for telling all that bother you in the world. Simply because that will spoil the trip for him and make him even more reluctant to go anywhere next time..

[GoodOlBoy]

It is quite common that relatives and  close friends will remember only the bad things you say about a spouse.....the friends/relatives never forget and always think of the spouse in that negative light.

Yes, abusers love this mentality.....
 
"Don't let anybody know that I physically shove you around and talk to you cruelly". 
 
 
GOB

[GoodOlBoy]

Aloe you are confused by the mentality of people from a small country.

GOB doesn't know about the mentality of people from a small country, BUT IIRC Shadow you live just around the corner from Aloe.
 
I hope you as a member of this board and a decent human being are prepared to step in if that "2:00 AM" telephone call comes from Aloe that her husband has physically abused (assaulted) her again, she has no money (because he has it all to himself) and she needs a ride to the airport to go home.
 
I sincerely hope that along with your advices here Shadow, that Aloe can count on your help to make her "escape", if need be.
 
GOB

[SFandEE]

Hey Aloe, I am just reading this thread and saw a lot of opinions and thoughts


I would just add my voice this way about this situation and others you have discussed in the past (tanning).


I don't like the way he treats you as you describe.  It is always good to look at yourself in relationships which you clearly do.  I wonder if he does this much himself.  Does he have empathy for you?


I imagine there are relationships that can work with arrangements that involve unfair or unreasonable sacrifice and yet I do not sense this is what you desire or thought you were entering.  Certainly wives and husbands have endured far greater challenges than this to sustain a marriage--my take is that part of your frustration is the lack of empathy.


For me I am interested in his ability to have empathy for you.  It is important to look at yourself, but it is possible that the problem is not there.


As always--I wish you well.

[Gator]

But he makes me tan because it's so important for him that it's tan or divorce.

 
Did  he really say "tan or divorce?"  Perhaps you feel he implied such.  Only the most self-absorbed man would require you to tan when you do not want to tan.  BTW, I despise tanning as well, not because of the heat but because my batteries become fully charged after an hour of tanning, and I want to do something, see something, experience something. 


 

I fear it irreparably damaged my feelings for him.

This will become worse unless he acknowledges that you feelings are real and valid.

.... how else can i explain my feelings?

Your feelings are real and valid.  If he cares for you, he will want you to feel better.  He would want an explanation so that he could get at the root causes and make changes that cause you to feel better.  Instead he is using your explanation only to convince himself that your feelings are not valid (i. e., he is right and you are wrong, everything is great)

I am so not gonna talk to my mom about any of this. I don't wanna speak bad of her, but she is kind of immature and there is no grey for her, only black and white.

  You are only 23 and are able to distinguish black and white behavior and understand the implications.  I have known many otherwise intelligent people in their 40s and 50s who are unable to do this. 

I do like the idea of going somewhere silent to contemplate it, but that would cost money, and hubby wouldn't approve.

Do not try to contemplate; let it happen by first just having fun as if it were your first meeting.  My hope is that he would feel the passion and love that makes him care about your feelings.  And then...
 

So if i were to write him a letter, as suggested, and state my feelings, he would definitely ask why do i feel this way? And then i can't explain it without annoying him, because i have to talk about the past arguments to explain my feelings.

As stated before, you do not need to explain repeatedly.  Your feelings are valid. 


Aloe, you should acknowledge to yourself that divorce is a possible answer.   Not that you want to initiate divorce, but the next time he threatens divorce, you can answer "yes darling, maybe we should divorce."  Is he ready to lose you?  Is he that blind?   

[Gator]

My heart hurts for you because every wife deserves to be valued and honoured. Without being overly religious, the Orthodox faith which I hold dear teaches that a man is to lay down his life for his wife if necessary--in other words, cherish her as more valued than himself.

Perhaps I was fortunate to have a father who modeled love for my mother. He did not believe in equality in marriage and neither do I. Rather, he taught what I mentioned above, a gentleman considers his wife as more important than himself. Old fashioned? Sure, and happily...because I've yet to figure out a way to "out love" Mrs. M. She is just so much better at loving and giving than I can even aspire to.

Beautiful, absolutely beautiful.


A twist on the concept of inequality with great rewards of mutual love.

[Shadow]

GOB doesn't know about the mentality of people from a small country, BUT IIRC Shadow you live just around the corner from Aloe.
 
I hope you as a member of this board and a decent human being are prepared to step in if that "2:00 AM" telephone call comes from Aloe that her husband has physically abused (assaulted) her again, she has no money (because he has it all to himself) and she needs a ride to the airport to go home.
 
I sincerely hope that along with your advices here Shadow, that Aloe can count on your help to make her "escape", if need be.
 
GOB

I live about 40 minutes away, had it been on my way I would not have minded driving Aloe to het university.
And yes, if she wishes to have us help her out in any way in real life, all she needs is to let me know.

[bleau]

Sounds like he's a little greedy, disrespectful and selfish to me and could be called an arrogant jerk. I bet if he was married to a local girl he would be the one hitching a ride to work and classes and she would be the one driving.
I've seen this happen more than one time and it eventually caused some serious problems and he either got booted out of the house or she returned back to her country....good for her!

When my fiance gets here, and after we're married, and since we live on a small farm in the Blue Ridge Mts.her choices to go anywhere would be by horse, thumb, daughter or me. The horses don't care about a long ride into town on a cold or hot day, daughter is involved in school activities, friends and working in our business so she's busy, I work a full schedule and since she can drive she'll have her on vehicle, checkbook and go and come as she pleases....and will be teaching piano lessons so she'll be busy too.
Just my 2 cents worth.

[Shadow]

Sounds like he's a little greedy, disrespectful and selfish to me and could be called an arrogant jerk. I bet if he was married to a local girl he would be the one hitching a ride to work and classes and she would be the one driving.
I've seen this happen more than one time and it eventually caused some serious problems and he either got booted out of the house or she returned back to her country....good for her!

When my fiance gets here, and after we're married, and since we live on a small farm in the Blue Ridge Mts.her choices to go anywhere would be by horse, thumb, daughter or me. The horses don't care about a long ride into town on a cold or hot day, daughter is involved in school activities, friends and working in our business so she's busy, I work a full schedule and since she can drive she'll have her on vehicle, checkbook and go and come as she pleases....and will be teaching piano lessons so she'll be busy too.
Just my 2 cents worth.

So basically she will be on her own in the middle of nowhere in a strange country.
Sounds real caring.

Do not take it personal, I am just showing you a mirror of what happens when you look at one side of things. Aloe and her hubby have some issues, but to demonize him based on one side of the story is not what we should do here.
If we would read only what hubby has to say, we might advise him to send her back.
In either case the only two people who have the full picture are Aloe and her husband.

[Faux Pas]

Sounds like he's a little greedy, disrespectful and selfish to me and could be called an arrogant jerk. I bet if he was married to a local girl he would be the one hitching a ride to work and classes and she would be the one driving.
I've seen this happen more than one time and it eventually caused some serious problems and he either got booted out of the house or she returned back to her country....good for her!

When my fiance gets here, and after we're married, and since we live on a small farm in the Blue Ridge Mts.her choices to go anywhere would be by horse, thumb, daughter or me. The horses don't care about a long ride into town on a cold or hot day, daughter is involved in school activities, friends and working in our business so she's busy, I work a full schedule and since she can drive she'll have her on vehicle, checkbook and go and come as she pleases....and will be teaching piano lessons so she'll be busy too.
Just my 2 cents worth.

I just read your wonderful news bleau. I am happy for you and your newly betrothed. I concur with everything shadow just posted and to you and I would also like to issue a bit of caution: You feel really good about your (1st trip I believe?) trip and everything went better than you could have dreamed. Your journey will start all over once she has arrived and in your home. Your Blue Ridge Mtn life sounds quite idyllic to you and I but, don't be surprised if she doesn't share that same enthusiasm. She has a whole different set of eyes and mindset than you. Until she actually does get assimilated , it can be a long row to hoe for you both. It's not all peaches and cream and it's never more "in your face" until it is reality. FWIW