Is this an unreasonable desire?

[GoodOlBoy]

I remember back to the days when i was so eager to have his babies, cuz he's so awesome.

Aloe, if you never listen to anything else GOB says to you...PLEASE and I mean PLEASE, think long and hard before you have a baby with this man.
 
IMO, your child would receive the same "treatment" that you are getting....maybe even worse!!
 
GOB

PS...Don't count to much on his "growing up" or "growing out of it" either.

[GoodOlBoy]

Just curious Aloe.
If you don't want to discuss this it is OK.
Have you ever seen his Mother and Father in action?
Does his Father behave this way with his Mother?
Family dynamics are always complicated, but there is a reason (not an excuse) for his behavior.
 
GOB

[ECOCKS]

Just curious Aloe.
If you don't want to discuss this it is OK.
Have you ever seen his Mother and Father in action?
Does his Father behave this way with his Mother?
Family dynamics are always complicated, but there is a reason (not an excuse) for his behavior.
 
GOB

Excellent observation on figuring out the source of some of the guy's problems.

[GQBlues]

Interesting thread actually.....
 
 
Maybe it's just me but some of you folks behaved almost just like Aloe's hubby in the sense that Aloe, or so I thought, asked what you think of some situations in her marriage she cited - and not necessarily what she should do with her life.
 
...and here we all are laying out ideas and personal experiences in how to better communicate for a successful marriage. LOL.
 
There's irony in all of these, you know... 

[Boethius]

Aloe got her yes or no answer immediately, and continued posting.


It's pretty obvious to those who read through that this wasn't really about the initial question.

[mies]

A bit of fashion history. It seems that those 'leggings' were first made in the 1960s - initially in silk for evening wear, then in stretch fabrics for skiing and similar sports - by Florentine designer Emilio Pucci (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emilio_Pucci), formerly a decorated RIAF pilot of S.M.79 torpedo bombers in WWII:

He called them fuseaux, French for a weaving spindle, because of their slim look - on fashion models, or actresses like:

Sandro, thank you for the story in fashion history. i totally love Emilio Pucchi's fashion items, especially the shoes.

Aloe, if you do not like leggings, you can also get leg warmers, for example similar to those:
http://www.amazon.com/Stretchy-Stretch-Warmers-KD-dance/dp/B002YAV9JA/ref=pd_sbs_a_3

You can get them in wool or cashmere, they come in different length/colors, so you can easily put them on or off .

Also, if you are concerned about being fully dependent on your husband, maybe you can find yourself a job as an internet-based freelancer, working for russian companies. This way you can have your own income.

[SANDRO43]

Sandro, thank you for the story in fashion history. i totally love Emilio Pucchi's fashion items

Mies, then you should get his name straight, that'd sound Pukki in Italian , while Pucci is pronounced as Пуччи .

[GQBlues]

Mies, then you should get his name straight, that'd sound Pukki in Italian , while Pucci is pronounced as Пуччи .

   yeah...and Puki in Tagalog is a no-no as well...

[Manny]

In my opinion, a man should be ready and able to support his wife financially after marriage, without the wife having to work.  That means having a home, buying a ring, going on a nice honeymoon, buying her a car, keeping her in nice clothes, and generally doing nice things to show your appreciation like taking her out to restaurants and on vacations.  If she's an immigrant wife, add in immigration fees, being prepared to buy lots of airline tickets to travel to her homeland (and flying her relatives over here, too).  If you and her want kids, the man should be able to afford them, too.  That means diapers, clothes, schools, and airline tickets for them, too, to visit their Russian grandparents and great-grandparents.
 
If he's not prepared to handle this on his own, he really has no business getting married.

Well said that man. 


Aloe, hints have been dropped in the topic that your husband may be in his twenties still? What are your respective ages?

[mies]

Mies, then you should get his name straight, that'd sound Pukki in Italian , while Pucci is pronounced as Пуччи .

sorry, my bad a typo.

[Muzh]

If my advice is bad compared to yours, don't get insecure about it. Unlike you I didn't recommend to Aloe to divorce but to make changes within herself to benefit her marriage.
 
Why do people want to live independently get married? I've dated women who want to be friends or be friends with benefits. Outside of that they like the rest of their independent life. I would never think of marrying them. If Aloe thinks doing things independently having her own bank account is going to help the situation, it won't.
 
Aloe should ask herself some questions. It's not too late.
1) What does she want out of this marriage?
2) What does she expect out of her husband?
3) How independent does she want to be?
She should discuss these questions with her husband and ask him what he wants from her and the marriage. Depending on the answers they will understand how they can proceed.
 
Aloe has been here before with marital problems and counseling has been recommended dozens of times. If it didn't happen then, what are the chances of it happening now? Those two have to sit down and discuss their problems and those of you with the "screw him" and "divorce" advice is only going to add fuel to the fire.

Billy, has it entered your mind that Aloe maybe, just maybe don't want to live a life according to you?

[Aloe]

What I'm trying to say is:
1) If Aloe agrees to follow orders like not to have her own account, she should be prepared that there will be more of such situations in their relationship in the future.
2) If her parents support her and send her her own money, it means, her husband isn't the only one who earns. Well, getting money from parents isn't earning, of course, but it means she also brings money into the family.
3) I don't think getting up at 5 AM and going this long way on foot is worth doing it. This is a crazy situation.

Was my English really that bad?
In fact, I think ECOCKS gave a very clever advice - counselling could really help in this situation.

I am also wondering what will follow?

It was only a one time birthday present. They don't normally send us money.

Some thoughts about this.

1. It is getting pretty cold in the mornings. But as you are Russian, you should not complain unless its minus 15. 

2. He should just drop you off at the train station in the morning. No doubt.

3. Getting your own bank account in Belgium is pretty easy. You can get one by walking over to the bank with your passport. If he wants his own account, he can have one too.

4. A husband should be a provider. If you want to work and can because there are no other pressing matters (like those babies) it is good for extra things, or to build your future by saving or getting a house together. However he should not treeat you inferior just because you choose to study or be a housewife instead of working.
He married you knowing that you are from another country and would need some time to be abl to work, if at all. If it did not bother him then, he should not consider you as inferior because of working or not working. I am sure that his participation in cooking and cleaning is minimal, so you are in fact doing a job.

5. For those who advise counselling, I have to put in some caution. Counseling is much less seen as normal in these parts as it is in the USA, and the largest problem is that hubby would have to admit there is something wrong before he will accept counseling. As it seems he rarely finds something wrong with his behaviour, and comes over as pretty frugal on top of that.

6. It seems that hubby has taught you to put everything in percentage of the income. Perhaps you could find some things he spends money on and calculate the percentage as well ?

7. Regarding going to work by car, the general arrangement is that employees get paid Eur 0,15 per kilometer if they use their personal car to drive to work. With a second-hand car this could actually cover most of the cost of not just fuel, but also insirance and taxes. By taking public transport to work he might lose that benefit, in which case going by car is a wise thing.

Remember we are not so far apart in Belgium.

Shadow, i do have my own bank account, he agreed to let me keep it as long as it stays completely empty  I wonder what's the point in having it then lol
He doesnt spend money on anything at all. Nothing. Not even a little. He just watches tv or plays pc games or studies, that's pretty much all he does. That raises a question (i'll elaborate on this at the end of my post)
He does not get reimbursed for transport.

Aloe, please disregard the second part of my previous post. If he tried to force you out of the house - i think you need to leave, or start getting prepared for leaving. Such actions are not a basis for good marriage. This is a very unhealthy situation in the family. This emotional baggage will probably stay with you, and with him forever. You know as they say in russian: "We can never forgive the people whom we hurt."

Well, it went down like this, i'm not sure if it ACTUALLY qualifies as forcing? We had an argument. Then a little bit later he tried to command me to go cook in a disrespectful mocking voice (while i was on my way doing laundry), so i felt angry and threw the laundry basket that i was carrying on the floor and told him to go cook his own damn dinner. That's all i said. Then i picked up the basket and still felt angry, so i threw it once more, still angry, i picked it up and threw it down once again. So on the third throw to the floor (just down on the floor, not across the room), it cracked. Then hubby got furious (the basket costs like 7 euro), so he pulled me and shoved me to the PC, yelling that he has had enough and that we need to take a break, and go buy my ticket home.
So he wasn't really pushing me out of the house. He did give me a strong shove to the PC though, that was really wild, i've never been pushed physically like that before. It wasn't like a super strong push, but for someone my size pretty strong. And he is a lot bigger than me, so seeing someone so much bigger and stronger being so furious that he was actually pushing me, was not a very nice, and a bit scary.

And yes, i fear that that and other arguments will always stay with us. How can i forget something like this?

Just curious Aloe.
If you don't want to discuss this it is OK.
Have you ever seen his Mother and Father in action?
Does his Father behave this way with his Mother?
Family dynamics are always complicated, but there is a reason (not an excuse) for his behavior.
 
GOB

Now that i think abou it.. His mom is totally dominating her hubby. And his dad is dominating his girlfriend. I wonder why his gf stays with him, he is often openly disrespectful towards her in front of us. At least in my eyes it looks disrespectful. Like, somebody hands him something, even if it's heavy, he always invariably immediately passes it to his gf and LAUGHS, like she's his servant or something. Or he has a piece of trash, then he gives it to her. Or other episodes where i just feel like he is disrespecting her. She really seems to serve him, get coffie, peel apples or he won't eat them, get everything for him, and he just sits there like a king. I've never seen him do anything for her. Always her being busy around him.

When we talked about marriage and stuff, hubby told me how he thinks his dad is a hero, and he wants a wife like that. I thought he was joking, i mean who wouldn't like a slave? But now it seems he actually meant it lol.

I think Dave's advice is spot on.
 
On Aloe coming here, I wouldn't read too much into it.  She comes here to vent because who else is she going to vent to?  Aloe, you need to find some married girlfriends you can trust.
 
I don't think marriage requires a portfolio, and most men who marry do need their wives to work.  Most women also want to work, at various times in their lives.
 
Aloe, it is immature of you to dig in your heels on wearing heels.  Buy some leggings, as mies suggested, and a couple pair of flat boots so you're comfortable walking. 
 
Your husband is being selfish in not getting up to drive you to the train station at that time of the morning.  This is a matter of respect, and demonstrating his love for the most important person in his life.  Unlike others, I don't think this has anything to do with age.  It is more about him.  Without hearing his side, it seems he has a self centred and entitled attitude.  I don't think this will change with age unless you can point out to him that he is being selfish.  If he whines that he works, you can note that you work too, just in a different way.
 
Does your husband have a bank account on which you are not a signatory?  If not, then I don't think it is unreasonable that he wants all money to be held jointly.  If he has his own account(s), then it's a different matter.  I understand your feeling of insecurity.  This is perfectly normal.  I suggest you put the funds in a separate joint account as savings.  Invest it in something secure to build a little nest egg.  It will even be available to you in the future.
 
Learn to budget.  You both have to live within your means.  Don't get into the habit of spending more than you have. 
 
The self centred behaviour must be addressed.  That is why you are feeling insecure and resentful.  That resentfulness will build with time.  I didn't have time to post before you posted that you are beginning to resent this.  That is the end result if you believe you have compromised and sacrificed, and he has not recognized nor respected that.   That can spell a death knell for a marriage.  I don't think this is about compromise.  Either he has to change and be less self centred, or you have to recognize that he won't change, and make your decision on whether or not you can live with this the rest of your life.  Certainly, you have to resolve this before you contemplate having children.
 
I also agree, you need to continue your education.  No woman should rely on a man to make her way in the world.  Lots of women end up at 50 divorced, and with no skills to support themselves.

I am not very good at keeping friends. I don't feel the need to socialize a lot. Only time i feel like socializing i come out to this forum I'm just not a very social person. That's why i don't have any girlfriends to complain to. Always have been this way.

Hubby has only one account that is supposedly our joint account now. I have a card with his name for this account that i use everywhere. He said it's a joint account, and i am taking it in good faith. I opened my own account at request of my parents, so that they could transfer the money easily to a person who shares the name with them instead of some weird belgian name, as to not raise any questions for anyone who may or may not be keeping an eye on all kinds of certain bank activities. It is free for me to have an account because im younger than 26, and one card is also free, issue of a second card would not be free and it would cost some money every year.

The bottom line from his side, guessing mind you - having read only what you have posted here over the course of time, is that he doesn't treat you as an equal partner... whether he actually does view you as less is another matter and is also possible.


Here's the deal... you do not need his permission to use the car... you get up.. you take the keys, and you drive not to the train station, but keep the car with you all day... leave him stranded at home to fend for himself via public transportation.  He's not getting the point through normal avenues of communication so just DO it.  Yeah, sparks will fly at first, and when they do, just sweetly say "I want you to learn independence".   

I think Daveman may have hit the nail on the head. Now that you made me think about it... It is possible that he doesn't view me as equal and it is all my fault. When we just started living together, he strongly encouraged little girl type of cuteness. And i got so used to being little girl type of cute, that in his head i probably am a little girl and get treated as such. Maybe it's time i dropped it. It does feel ridiculous at times lol.
Typing that just now made me realize i am afraid if i drop it, he won't find me so cute anymore. Self-esteem issues? Makes sense, otherwise i wouldn't be scared to be myself. Whenever i think about what would life be like without hubby, i always get scared that i may not find a good guy like him anymore. Despite the shortcomings that i talk about here, he does have a lot of positive sides. It is just that when you are happy, why would you post about it It is when times get rough, then you feel the need for support...
Sometimes i can't help wondering if he really loves me though? Or is he with me for the convenience? And even scarier, lately i wonder if i'm not with him for convenience?
Like i said before, i used to feel he is so awesome, i just felt a big urge to have his babies because he is so awesome. Now this feeling is gone and left me wondering, is there something to save here, is there love, on both sides, or convenience?

Is this just a rough patch that needs to be ridden out and then there are better times in the end?
And, the fact that he doesn't wanna get out of the house, isn't interested in the world, doesn't wanna go anywhere with me, doesn't wanna improve himself beside his six pack and job-related knowledge, and is perfectly content with the little stuff that he has; will this fact not make me wake up 20 years later horrified about how many experiences i've missed, how many places i haven't seen, how many things i haven't done and why why why on earth did i not do them?

I wanna get out in the world, experience things, see wonderful new places, experience new cultures, try new dishes, i just have such a big interest in the world, and wanna experience and absorb so much new stuff. While hubs is content never leaving his house-work-house route, he won't even try a new dish, because why would you when you perfectly like the old dish, and he isn't interested in anything apart the beach. 
Could it be that we are incompatible?

Could it be if i ended up alone, i'd experience all the things i wanted and end up an unhappy bitter old lonely woman, always and forever regretting letting this man go?
Could it be i'll end up an unhappy bitter old married woman, resenting her husband for not getting out to see the world?
Sigh.

[Aloe]

And a special message for those refraining from posting advice because a bad advice is worse than no advice.
I am not a silly chicken. I don't jump into the deep end without thinking or apply anyone's advice without weighing all the sides i can think about first. I read the information and process it. And sometimes somebody on this forum posts something that causes a real "WOW! I've never looked at this issue from THAT point of view before. But now that you mention it, it makes so much sense!"- effect. I do like it when that happens, it helps a lot.

So please do post what you are thinking.


And Thank you everyone for your posts.

[Muzh]

Shadow, i do have my own bank account, he agreed to let me keep it as long as it stays completely empty 


Then a little bit later he tried to command me to go cook in a disrespectful mocking voice (while i was on my way doing laundry),
 
 
Then hubby got furious (the basket costs like 7 euro), so he pulled me and shoved me to the PC, yelling that he has had enough and that we need to take a break, and go buy my ticket home.


Now that i think abou it.. His mom is totally dominating her hubby. And his dad is dominating his girlfriend. I wonder why his gf stays with him, he is often openly disrespectful towards her in front of us. At least in my eyes it looks disrespectful.

 
When we talked about marriage and stuff, hubby told me how he thinks his dad is a hero, and he wants a wife like that.
 

I am not very good at keeping friends. I don't feel the need to socialize a lot. Only time i feel like socializing i come out to this forum I'm just not a very social person. That's why i don't have any girlfriends to complain to. Always have been this way.


Hubby has only one account that is supposedly our joint account now. I have a card with his name for this account that i use everywhere.

Consistent pattern of emotional abuse.
 

It is possible that he doesn't view me as equal and it is all my fault. When we just started living together, he strongly encouraged little girl type of cuteness. And i got so used to being little girl type of cute, that in his head i probably am a little girl and get treated as such.
 

Bingo!
 

Maybe it's time i dropped it. I does feel ridiculous at times lol.
 

Maybe the little girl is growing up. Don't stop now.

Self-esteem issues? Makes sense, otherwise i wouldn't be scared to be myself. Whenever i think about what would life be like without hubby, i always get scared that i may not find a good guy like him anymore.
 

Good, starting self-awareness. First step.
 
 

Or is he with me for the convenience? And even scarier, lately i wonder if i'm not with him for convenience?
 

Just look at his mom and dad. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

 

Is this just a rough patch that needs to be ridden out and then there are better times in the end?
 

No. See below.
 

And, the fact that he doesn't wanna get out of the house, isn't interested by the world, doesn't wanna go anywhere with me, doesn't wanna improve himself beside his six pack and job-related knowledge, and is perfectly content with the little stuff that he has; will this fact not make me wake up 20 years later horrified about how many experiences i've missed, how many places i haven't seen, how many things i haven't done and why why why on earth did i not do them?
 

Pray for a miracle for him to change.
 

I wanna get out in the world, experience things, see wonderful new places, experience new cultures, try new dishes, i just have such a big interest in the world, and wanna experience and absorb so much new stuff. While hubs is content never leaving his house-work-house route, he won't even try a new dish, because why would you when you perfectly like the old dish, and he isn't interested in anything apart the beach. 
 

At 26, you are too young to settle for a life with six-pack hubby. Did you two talked about what you wanted in life?

Could it be if i ended up alone, i'd experience all the things i wanted and end up an unhappy bitter old lonely woman, always and forever regretting letting this man go?
 
Could it be i'll end up an unhappy bitter old married woman, resenting her husband for not getting out to see the world?
Sigh.

That's a big NYET. Read again the part of self-awareness and stick to it.
 
I'm serious when I say you should pray for a miracle for him to change. I think you have grieved long enough and are starting the detachment process. Next, you'll feel nothing for him and whatever he does.
 
Now, you will have to answer yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life like this or are you young enough to start again.
 
Hate to be such a pessimist but, I've been there. And trust me when I say miracles don't happen.

[Ranetka]

Aloe,
 
who's name the car is on?
 
do you have access to bank statements to check if it is a joint account?
 
 

[GQBlues]

...So please do post what you are thinking...

For the most part, we can't really control how long we live, we can however control how well we live it.

[Misha]

When we talked about marriage and stuff, hubby told me how he thinks his dad is a hero, and he wants a wife like that. I thought he was joking, i mean who wouldn't like a slave? But now it seems he actually meant it lol.

Yes, I am sure he did.

It is possible that he doesn't view me as equal and it is all my fault.

Given what he said about wanting a marriage/relationship like his father's I doubt he is looking for an equal.

Is this just a rough patch that needs to be ridden out and then there are better times in the end?

It might be good to ask if he still believes that his father has the ideal relationship.
 

Could it be that we are incompatible?

Yes. What are the things that you share in common? I believe that you met playing an online video game IIRC.

Could it be i'll end up an unhappy bitter old married woman, resenting her husband for not getting out to see the world?
Sigh.

Only you know that. However, it is important that you finish your studies, and whatever you do, don't have a child until you know for sure.

[TheTraveler]

And a special message for those refraining from posting advice because a bad advice is worse than no advice....
please do post what you are thinking.

Well, the part about only one checking account... I can't really relate, since your situation is a lot different than ours.  We have several different types of accounts: checking, investment, business checking.  Both our names are on all of them, but we don't have separate personal accounts.  Initially, my wife didn't have any money, so what should I do?  Set her up with an account and give her an allowance as if I were a parent?  No way.  If anything, I was more in need of parental supervision regarding spending discipline.  From the beginning, my wife and I pooled everything, and she exerts the better oversight and discipline on our finances.  Besides, we're equal partners, we're a team... No need to have separate accounts.  With my wife having evolved into the manager of our personal and business finances, it's a good thing, because I trust her more than I trust myself with money.
 
But is the checking/saving account really the issue? Or is it a lack of money in general?  After all, if you and he bought two cars (or if he bought you a car), then would it still be an issue?  Or if in general you reached consensus on all things money, would it still be an issue?  I doubt it, but maybe I'm wrong.
 
One suggestion he made that I can't get past thinking about... "we need to take a break, and go buy my ticket home".  With my wife, our attitude has always been that Russia is her former home.  Her home (from the moment we were married and forever) is now here in the US.  And when we're visiting her family in Russia, and when we talk about going back home, we're both talking about the same place.  Referring to Russia as your wife's home really conveys a temporary or frivolous attitude on his part to the marriage.  Or maybe he meant it as a threat?  (like he's going to make a warranty claim and return you to the manufacturer).  That's even worse.
 
Right now, you're young, and you don't have kids.  If you're going to make a new start, now is the time to do it.  It will only get harder as time passes by.

[acrzybear]

Aloe
I am basing this post off of your current and previous posts, I have no way of knowing the true dynamics of your relationship with your husband.
I'm not the ideal person for marital advice, but I've been a police officer for over 16 years now and have seen every type of emotional and physical abuse you can think of. Unless he is defending himself there is no valid reason for a husband to put hands on his wife.  You talk about the bad parts of the relationship then you defend his actions-this is a classic sign.  Take a look at the link I provided and honestly ask yourself -do any of these apply to your situation?
http://www.turningpointservices.org/Domestic%20Violence%20-%20Power%20and%20Control%20Wheel.htm
 
Think everything over and ask yourself this question;
Am I better with or without him? 

[Gator]

Aloe,


It appears that you are rapidly outgrowing your hubby.  The gap between you will widen because your intellectual curiosity will compel you to discover more of the world while he wants a boring life at home.  Even if he were respectful of you (and he is not), you do not impress me as someone who could accept boredom. 


I have always thought that you are a fantastic woman.  So fantastic, that if you divorce, you will find a man compatible with you.  It may happen within a year or it may take a few years; nevertheless, you will find what you want and need.


Before dumping your hubby, try your best to renew your relationship. For a long time You did find him awesome.  Build on that.  How?   


Counseling can be good except that I believe it would fail in your case because your hubby sounds like someone who would deny and rationalize everything.  His attitude would necessitate many sessions and you do not have the money for many sessions.   Also, counseling frequently ends up confirming that a couple is incompatible and should divorce (the counseling just makes both hubby and wife feel better about separating).


My recommendation is for you to write hubby a serious letter. 


1.  List what you think were/are his "awesome" qualities.

2.  State that you now feel detachment, mostly because he is not treating you as an equal (do not discuss in detail the various reasons such as walking to work because he will dismiss them).

3.  Ask if something has happened that he is not telling you because he is not the same loving man whom you married (in my long marriage of 25 years I went through a bad year when my business was down severely - I did not tell my wife because I did not want to worry her, yet my angst manifested itself in other ways, regretful ways).

4.  Express that you want to save the marriage.

5.  Suggest that the two of you take a small trip somewhere and behave as the young lovers you once were (and you could try a new dish).


Good luck!

[mies]

a brief summary of what i read in this thread:
- husband pushed her (physical aggression)
- the "joint account" may be not a joint account after all, but his account with 2 cards, one of which is used by Aloe. I presume it is not very hard to make a call to bank and report that a card was lost or stolen. Then Aloe will not be able to use this card, and if the account isn't joint - she will not be able to withdraw any funds from HIS account either. Correct?

- he took the car that is essentially a present to Aloe from her parents. He does not let Aloe use her property, makes her beg for it.
- he insisted that Aloe transfers her money (a gift from her parents) to the "joint account" which might as well be his personal account.
- he reminds Aloe that he is the one who earns money and that she is spending the money he earns. Isn't "joint account" created for the sole purpose to have "our money" and not "his money"?
- I second Ranetka's question about whose name is on the title of the car.

Aloe's husband may be a wonderful man with many nice features, but the points above do not look reassuring. If his income is 1500/mo, and Aloe's parents sent to Aloe enough to buy a new car this is at least half of his annual income, and maybe even more than that. How can he say after this that he is the only person who earns money, if she just brought into "family budget" the amount of money equivalent to what he earned in the last 6 months or longer? At the very least this means that for the last 6+ months they were both contributing to family income. Don't you think so? 


I would second the advice of everyone else who said this:
- don't get children in the nearest time
- finish your education

Or is it a lack of money in general?  After all, if you and he bought two cars ([dot]or if he bought you a car[/dot]), then would it still be an issue?

it would not be an issue if he let Aloe use her car, which her parents gave her.

Overall, I think that what Aloe tells us that her husband trusts her by giving her the card to account with all money, and that she can spend as much as she wants from that account - is really an illusion.
1) she cannot spend as much as she wants because there isn't much in that account to start with.
2) He gives her card and "entrusts her" his earnings, but it looks like he scolds her for every spent or wasted penny. At least this is my impression. It may be a wrong impression. But I did notice a certain evolution in the way Aloe reasons/talks about spending, and about life in general. It looks like her husband is doing a lot of one-on-one tutoring with Aloe on the matters of family budget.
The changes sound somewhat sad. It's almost a story of Thumbelina, only a husband isn't very rich. Sorry, Aloe, if this sounds inappropriate. I always like your posts and I admire your character.
 

[Shadow]

Aloe I would like to take a moment to defend your hubby.
You make it seem like he has no interest in the world. Well if that was true, how did he manage to meet and marry YOU ?
You are both young, and have a lot of things to do in life. However one thing is holindg you back, something that many here seem to miss. You are essentially living hand-to-mouth, and while he may want to take a cruise around the world, he just does not have the money to pay for it. 
From whaqt you tell it seems pretty hard to make ends meet, and while your hubby is frugal and does not like to spend, the thing is that there is not a whole lot to spend either as far as I can tell. This means your hubby wants to keep some reserve in case the car or the TV or washing machine breaks or other unexpected costs arise. Actually that is a good thing. It is however hard to combine with the ideas of a young girl who still wants everything out of life and was probably accustomed to raising money for her next target, then spend it and start raising again.

To make it work you will have to combine these things. You wil have to learn that desires are great and within these desires you hav to make priorities. The things you want most will come first, others later on. He wil have to take in to account an amount of money to spend on fun. That sounds strange, but its the way he will see it. Allow him to set aside a budget and then tell you how much there is to spend on doing something fun together, and you get to choose if it is your new fur coat or a trip to the sea (whichever sea it will get you to).

[mendeleyev]

So please do post what you are thinking.

Aloe, I've been traveling this week and just now had to opportunity to read through this thread. First, I feel very sad for both of you. He wanted you for his soulmate and you wanted him, now there are doubts in the relationship.

First, he needs to know that you have those fears and doubts. It does not seem that you are seeking to act selfishly, rather it seems to me that you don't feel valued and respected. My heart hurts for you because every wife deserves to be valued and honoured. Without being overly religious, the Orthodox faith which I hold dear teaches that a man is to lay down his life for his wife if necessary--in other words, cherish her as more valued than himself.

Perhaps I was fortunate to have a father who modeled love for my mother. He did not believe in equality in marriage and neither do I. Rather, he taught what I mentioned above, a gentleman considers his wife as more important than himself. Old fashioned? Sure, and happily...because I've yet to figure out a way to "out love" Mrs. M. She is just so much better at loving and giving than I can even aspire to.

I think that you and your husband can have a close and giving relationship but like the others have said, you both could use a neutral counselor, someone you both respect.

I pray that you both will find a way to regain the love and trust you enjoyed at first.


PS...here are some flowers from all of us to thank you for sharing your story.

[GoodOlBoy]

Aloe I would like to take a moment to defend your hubby.

There is NO defense for physical abuse against a woman...NONE!

I don't know anything about Belgium (maybe abuse is a cultural thing  ).
 
The day he physically abused Aloe, she should have left.
 
Aloe, you are very brave to come here and tell your story, GOB admires you.
 
Please, do not isolate yourself from the rest of the world.
 
Make sure that your Mom is aware of your situation.....it is very important for her and your family to know what you are going through.
 
GOB

[Muzh]

There is NO defense for physical abuse against a woman...NONE!

I don't know anything about Belgium (maybe abuse is a cultural thing  ).
 
The day he physically abused Aloe, she should have left.
 
Aloe, you are very brave to come here and tell your story, GOB admires you.
 
Please, do not isolate yourself from the rest of the world.
 
Make sure that your Mom is aware of your situation.....it is very important for her and your family to know what you are going through.
 
GOB

+10
 
GOB, you the man!!!