Is this an unreasonable desire?

[Aloe]

I feel like i'm being such a pussy. I feel that we always do what he says and my wishes get neglected most of the time cuz i don't wanna make him angry. But i also feel guilty for feeling that way, because he provides for me and he does do some nice things like lately he started cooking because i dont have much time anymore. And he watches one show with me that he doesn't really like. And i can shop whenever i want and he never questions any of my spendings. In fact he doesn't keep track of the bank account at all, it could be empty for a month or two before he would notice. So he trusts me with my spending sensibility. But not with my own bank account that doesn't make any sense. I think it's his 'fairness' feeling that's messing this all up

[Faux Pas]

I don't think he is selfish. He is working, and i am not. And by the looks of it, i may not have a job for another 4 years. I don't think a selfish man would agree to such a situation? .. but these quirks with the car and public transport and my bank account and when he says angrily "MY money", that does make one wonder what's going on here?

I wouldn't begin to diverge into your marriage but, "both" of you should want what is best and most convenient for the other. Yeah he is being a selfish p*ick from your description. What ED has stated has much more merit than you are crediting. Possibly (maybe not this time, this incident) but eventually counseling would have been a wise investment on saving a marriage that lacked proper communication FWIW

[Aloe]

Counseling costs like 50 euro an hour minimum. That's 3% of our monthly income. So 4 sessions in one month would make 12% of our monthly income. That's 12% extra that we don't have because we recently moved into a new apartment. Frankly right now we are spending the same or more than our monthly income and depleting the savings. Although i'd go for a couple of sessions, but can any progress be done with just 2-4 sessions? I'm not sure if hubby will agree, i'll have to ask

[Misha]

Counseling costs like 50 euro an hour minimum. That's 3% of our monthly income.

There might be options. Quite often, for example, in Canada various churches will organize for their members couple retreats which are in effect group marriage counseling. Also, perhaps your husband has a right to some counseling sessions through a health care plan at work.

[Misha]

I feel like i'm being such a pussy. I feel that we always do what he says and my wishes get neglected most of the time cuz i don't wanna make him angry. But i also feel guilty for feeling that way, because he provides for me and he does do some nice things like lately he started cooking because i dont have much time anymore. And he watches one show with me that he doesn't really like.

Why feel guilty? This is what couples are supposed to do IMHO. If my wife is busy, I cook. If I am busy, she cooks.

[Aloe]

There might be options. Quite often, for example, in Canada various churches will organize for their members couple retreats which are in effect group marriage counseling. Also, perhaps your husband has a right to some counseling sessions through a health care plan at work.

that's a good idea, his new job got him a better medical coverage than we used to have, i'll need to investigate.

[alex330]

Of course you qualify, i am asking everyone. Don't mind the section where it's posted, i wasn't sure where to post. Thanks for the feedback.

Np, I was being silly 

With the exception of Mondays, my wife would have the car the rest of the week. On Mondays, I'd still get up and at the very least drive her to the station, if not to her destination....

Agree 100%, I would prefer my wife have the car and I deal with the inconvenience. You also mentioned his schedule is somewhat flexible 

[Kineo]

I don't mind either, but he says no, you walk and leave the car home.

Maybe you can just tell him that on the days he does not have class he can walk to work or take public transport. His choice. In this age you should have as much say in this matter as he does. I can understand since he is working you may offer a compromise like you have. I think you have very good grounds to expect him to grant your request. ..... enthusiastically!

Counseling is too expensive

I am concerned the alternative could be more expensive.

[Daveman]

I think the deal with the bank account is just the insecurity of youth as well as ---  how would you feel if he wanted to keep a separate bank account in only his name?  If your parents gave the money to you as a birthday present to buy your OWN car.. and then you chose not to do so for whatever reason, why do you feel that the money should be kept separately rather than placed in the "family funds"? 


You cannot deal with issues inside another person.  You can deal with only your own.  And from your side, you want him to change his daily ritual so you can dress prettier.  You don't want to walk in heels and skirt, yet you also don't want to dress in a practical fashion for cold weather.  So, in essence, you are tossing your selfish desire onto his plate and placing the responsibility onto him to make it happen for you.  I'm not saying it's unreasonable, but that is what you are doing.


You feel that your desires fall to the back burner and, of course, that bothers you.  That's the real issue that needs to be dealt with and the car/account/heels/walking/etc are the symptoms. 


Yes, you both need to learn to communicate, but more importantly you both need to learn how to actively listen.  You're young and it takes time to adapt from being the center of your parent's world to having a family and the accompanying responsibilities and sacrifices that entails - especially early on. 


I know an excellent psychologist/marriage counselor/therapist who speaks fluent Russian, who just may be interested in consulting with you via Skype pro bono in her free time...  if you are interested in taking this step, then send me a PM and I'll intercede on your behalf, and try to make it happen for.  I can't promise, but I'm pretty sure it's possible if you are interested.


Coming here to vent may be helpful short term to get it out of your system for the moment, but after all of the many posts you've put forth here, you still have the exact same underlying problems which continue to resurface wearing different guises.


And yes, progress can be made in a single session if you are open to it.  All change happens in a single moment.  It's the journey of getting to that point that tends to take time.

[Kineo]

I'd agree, expect for the 20-something part. I'm around 20-something people constantly.
 
People can be selfish or not at any age. Maybe he'll 'grow up eventually' but in my experience, selfish people stay selfish or get worse unless there is some serious kick in the pants that makes them change.

+1

[Aloe]

I think the deal with the bank account is just the insecurity of youth as well as ---  how would you feel if he wanted to keep a separate bank account in only his name?  If your parents gave the money to you as a birthday present to buy your OWN car.. and then you chose not to do so for whatever reason, why do you feel that the money should be kept separately rather than placed in the "family funds"? 

Because i thought i was using it as our savings pot. The money on our joint account is used for all the running expenses, but the other money never gets touched and psychologically it's a nice barrier to keep it safe from being touched, because if you have to pull out a second card to pay for something, then it's a lot harder to do than just using same old card that you use every day to buy groceries and such. So that money never ever got touched by anything, so it was the savings thing.
But when he made me transfer it, i realized it was more than just that. When he made me transfer it, i burst in tears feeling extremely unsafe, unprotected and vulnerable. Now i feel that i have nothing, and given that he already tried to force me out of the house "on a break", why should i feel safe. Now i feel again 100% dependent and helpless without any say in the family, because if anything i'll be the one left destitute.  And feeling this way makes me more submissive. I dont like being submissive. I feel like a pussy.
When he saw me all upset about the transfer, and i told him it made me feel unsafe, he said laughing 'you'll get over it'. That was a little bit bothersome. But i'm sure he didn't mean it in a bad way

 

You cannot deal with issues inside another person.  You can deal with only your own.  And from your side, you want him to change his daily ritual so you can dress prettier.  You don't want to walk in heels and skirt, yet you also don't want to dress in a practical fashion for cold weather.  So, in essence, you are tossing your selfish desire onto his plate and placing the responsibility onto him to make it happen for you.  I'm not saying it's unreasonable, but that is what you are doing.

I understand what you are saying, but is 10 minutes of his time THAT much to ask, for whatever reason, be it my wanting to look pretty or any other insignificant reason?

You feel that your desires fall to the back burner and, of course, that bothers you.  That's the real issue that needs to be dealt with and the car/account/heels/walking/etc are the symptoms. 


Yes, you both need to learn to communicate, but more importantly you both need to learn how to actively listen.  You're young and it takes time to adapt from being the center of your parent's world to having a family and the accompanying responsibilities and sacrifices that entails - especially early on. 


I know an excellent psychologist/marriage counselor/therapist who speaks fluent Russian, who just may be interested in consulting with you via Skype pro bono in her free time...  if you are interested in taking this step, then send me a PM and I'll intercede on your behalf, and try to make it happen for.  I can't promise, but I'm pretty sure it's possible if you are interested.


Coming here to vent may be helpful short term to get it out of your system for the moment, but after all of the many posts you've put forth here, you still have the exact same underlying problems which continue to resurface wearing different guises.


And yes, progress can be made in a single session if you are open to it.  All change happens in a single moment.  It's the journey of getting to that point that tends to take time.

I sent you a PM about contacting that person

[Misha]

When he saw me all upset about the transfer, and i told him it made me feel unsafe, he said laughing 'you'll get over it'. That was a little bit bothersome.

Actually, that is a bit more than bothersome IMHO.

[Kineo]

And yes, progress can be made in a single session if you are open to it.  All change happens in a single moment.  It's the journey of getting to that point that tends to take time.

 
 
The wisdom of this statement is abundant!

[Aloe]

Actually, that is a bit more than bothersome IMHO.

i dont think he meant it in a bad way. I think he is underestimating how it made me feel. And when i explain WHY i feel the way that i feel he says 'why do you keep throwing in my face the old arguments'

[ECOCKS]

You both have issues to work on within yourselves AND the marriage/relationship. 

Please look into personal and community resources as well as your husband's insurance program to see which counseling options are accessible.

Don't count Euros, count the cost to your future if your lives continue with this much questioning, frustration and resentment.

[Daveman]

i dont think he meant it in a bad way. I think he is underestimating how it made me feel. And when i explain WHY i feel the way that i feel he says 'why do you keep throwing in my face the old arguments'

The bottom line from his side, guessing mind you - having read only what you have posted here over the course of time, is that he doesn't treat you as an equal partner... whether he actually does view you as less is another matter and is also possible.


Here's the deal... you do not need his permission to use the car... you get up.. you take the keys, and you drive not to the train station, but keep the car with you all day... leave him stranded at home to fend for himself via public transportation.  He's not getting the point through normal avenues of communication so just DO it.  Yeah, sparks will fly at first, and when they do, just sweetly say "I want you to learn independence".   

[Muzh]

Your hubby bought a car with money your parents sent you. Your hubby took your money from your account and put it in the joint account. He didn't ask, right?
 
First, when my wife came to NY we only had one car. SHE offered to go to work and when she did I would drive her back and forth to work. She would work at night so I would drive from work to our house where she would be waiting and then drive her to work. Then I would drive back aroung 10:30PM with my little kids to pick her up, EVERYDAY she worked. Eventually, I bought her a car when she got her license. That was two years after she started working.
 
My inlaws never gave my wife any money. Actually, it has been the opposite. How? I took my wife to our bank and SHE opened her own account. I cannot touch it at all.
 
I don't question what my wife buys.
 
Guess who makes 90% of our income?
 
I think I've read enough, even though is one-sided.
 
Tell your hubby you two have an appointment with a counselor and if he refuses DTMFA.
 

[Misha]

i dont think he meant it in a bad way. I think he is underestimating how it made me feel. And when i explain WHY i feel the way that i feel he says 'why do you keep throwing in my face the old arguments'

Yes, it is not good to bring up old arguments, but the question is whether the underlying issues are resolved. The issues it seems are based on trust (you don't feel safe as you fear he could throw you out) and having him take into account your feelings and fears. In the long run, this can poison the marriage if left unresolved.

[Nat]

Aloe, dear, after you agreed to close your own account where YOUR parents send you YOUR money and put it into a joint account - what do you expect things to be like between you two? Besides, you're married like several years and your hubby says he supports you all the time, so why do your parents have to send you money?
And really, this schedule of yours - getting up at 5 AM and hiking to the train station makes me think - what is it all for?

[Muzh]

I'm sorry Nat, I'm not following you.

[BillyB]

Aloe, most people like you here and I think you know based off what you posted, they are going to bash your husband. Is this what you want and divorce advice? However you wish to word your posts, you will get what you want. We can't change your husband but we can influence you.
 
When your parents sent you money for a car, you should have told him what you told us that you realized getting a second car will take too much of the income he's making. Then you should tell him to put money in the joint bank account and you want to save the money for other gifts for yourself or for both of you for some nice dinners and entertainment and observe his actions after. As of now you both are living for yourselves and possibly contemplating an escape plan.
 
If anybody still questions why my fiancee and other young FSU ladies will accept larger age gaps compared to their Western sisters, it's partially because of what Aloe is going through. I remember Aloe's husband being very young. Immaturity and lack of wisdom is what you get with youth and many FSU grow up faster than their Western sisters and don't have time for BS because they already seen enough of it. A man can marry a stupid woman and marriage can be a success but a woman can't marry stupid man and be happy.
 

I dont like being submissive.

What is wrong with being submissive and giving your husband your all? Try it and he may learn something and give it his all too. You already know your husband is going to need a teacher. As of now he is submitting himself to work to feed you, clothe you, and put you through school.
 
I don't like to hear what you're going through but thanks for posting it. Guys who think a pretty face will be all they need to have a happy marriage will think twice when they read stories like this. Your husband may have been way cool and awesome when you met him but I doubt he or you talked anything serious about plans on family life and the roles of a husband and wife.

[Nat]

I'm sorry Nat, I'm not following you.

What I'm trying to say is:
1) If Aloe agrees to follow orders like not to have her own account, she should be prepared that there will be more of such situations in their relationship in the future.
2) If her parents support her and send her her own money, it means, her husband isn't the only one who earns. Well, getting money from parents isn't earning, of course, but it means she also brings money into the family.
3) I don't think getting up at 5 AM and going this long way on foot is worth doing it. This is a crazy situation.

Was my English really that bad?
In fact, I think ECOCKS gave a very clever advice - counselling could really help in this situation.

[Misha]

3) I don't think getting up at 5 AM and going this long way on foot is worth doing it. This is a crazy situation.

My wife would suffocate me with a pillow if I was going to sleep while she had to leave at 5AM to walk to the bus or train station 

[Misha]

What is wrong with being submissive and giving your husband your all?

If it makes her miserable, it will eventually ruin the marriage.

Try it and he may learn something and give it his all too.

Or, he may be content in that he "won" and that gets what he wants without having to make any sacrifices.

As of now he is submitting himself to work to feed you, clothe you, and put you through school.

Would he be unemployed and homeless if he wasn't married    He is not "submitting" himself to anything, simply doing what most people do and want to do when adults 
 

[Jooky]

Come on guys, pay attention. 
 
She wakes up at 5:50 AM, almost 6. She leaves the house an hour later. It's twice a week. Seems completely normal to me.
 
She wants a ride twice a week to a station 1 km away. It's something that takes at most 15 minutes of his time per week. Hell, I'd do if I was her neighbor.
 
This has nothing to do with being young and 'immature'. That's a dumb cop out. Young people help each other out in situations like this all the time, unless they are selfish a*holes. Old folks can be just as controlling and unreasonable (no need to give examples, this board abounds with them).