Possible Abusive Situation

[Son of Clyde]

The reason I am agreeing with Ken is because he is probably the only one here who has actually met both people in question. I don't think Ken ever has made an unnecessary post. He thinks things out. Daknack, I think you have many valid points. What people are not getting is that Ken has met BOTH people.

What I have gotten from all this is that both people are at fault but it is mostly the husband's not giving her time to adapt. There is no guideline to how long a RW will need to adjust.

[Jet]

DaKnack, I'm certainly not gonna take on the roll of grammer police, but you HAVE to see the humor in calling someone "the dumbest person on earth" and misspelling "dumbest"

As far as "jumping to her aide" the only one I saw doing any "jumping" was Maxx and he put several qualifiers into his post because he doesn't know the situation. What started the latest volley was Rando's "send the b*tch back" stance. Leslie correctly explained that this is not possible under the current law. Rando has since apparently reversed his position on this to agree with Leslie on the points of law.

This kind of behavior is why some men wouldnt want thier wives associating with other RW, because thier husbands have been taken to the "vet" so to speak and cant say "Hey this is crap you cant just support this person and divide her against her husband simply because you come from the same nation".  These are the types of people that divide a marriage, and have a subtle insidious intrusion in a marriage that can poison it.  People like that shouldnt be let into your home, or even spoken too in a civil manner as it is best to discourage contact with thim.

I would tend to agree for the first 6 months your fiancee/wife is in a new country as she is lonely, unsure, and has a very limited understanding of how your society functions. After that, any woman who can be swayed by the caustic remarks of virtual strangers is either lacking character, support from her husband, or both. My wife and I went through some tough times the first year, but we both knew we were in it together. I never forbade her from contact with other Russians (male or female) and I didn't have to, it was her choice to avoid them. She has several Russian students in her classes, and has recieved some unsolicited "advice" from their parents, politely as possible, she has blown them off repeatedly until they took the hint. This is in an environment that I have absolutely no control over, so it speaks volumes about her character...

Blaming the "other bad Russians" for a marital implosion, is not much different than jumping to the aid of someone who is "not really abused", it's the same mentality - find someone else to blame for your own (or her own) mistakes.

[Daknack]

No Jet that is not true, there are countless marriages that have been destroyed by outside interferance.  If you disagree Im not going to waste my time trying to convince you otherwise because if you dont your blind.  3rd parties turn people against each other every day.  Only need 5 minutes on a playground to see that it is human nature. 

As for the other matter leslie was not simply stateing legal fact.  Look at his posts he has chosen a side in the matter when he said she needs a lawyer with his first or second post.  That is not a neutral stance.  On the other matter, I disagree with Rando;s position of just send her back as you dont know the other side either.  What I have severe problems with his this "male mean guy abuser" mentality people have.

[ronin308]

Daknack, I'm curious how is advising someone to understand their legal rights by consulting an imigration attorney (not a divorce attorney)  taking sides?  Forgetting any abuse legal or otherwise, if she feels the marriage isn't working out she should be able to understand her options. 

Personally I would advise a marriage counselor as well as her checking on her rights to see if the marriage can be salvaged and if the problem is more because of unrealistic expectations.

[Daknack]

Because anyone that has been through a divorce knows that looking for a lawyer of any type is simply step one in the divorce and pushes the situation in that direction.  Why not advise someone to looking into thier legal options once someone has definatly decided to divorce.  Thats when you concern yourself with legal stuff.  Planning it out in advance is sneaky and a sign of impeding disaster.  If I was this guy and knew all this was goin g down Id file charges to premptive her charges of abuse.  Lawyers are like Nukes.  Everyone knows they have access to them, but once one is used theres no going back and its best to cut throats and show no mercy.

What these two people need is not a theropy session they need to sit down like adults and talk about what thier expectations are and come to a compromise.  I would never be so foolish as advise a man to go into theropy because in those situations hes made the enemy simply by virtue of his being male.  then anything in the sessions are used against him.

[Turboguy]

Eye knever missspel eny wurds. 

Actually as I remember the original post there was nothing about green cards, staying, going back or lawyers.   It was just that the gal found herself in an intollerable situation and was trying to get some help.  

Some of the details of what she considered to be intollerable sounded that way to me.   I don't think asking for help makes her the bitch from hell. 

[Daknack]

Nor do I think asking for help makes her a bitch.  Getting a lawyers another matter.

Best advice on the planet:  Never trust a woman with a lover, a lawyer, a gun, or any combination of the 3.

[Turboguy]

Nor do I think asking for help makes her a bitch.  Getting a lawyers another matter.

Best advice on the planet:  Never trust a woman with a lover, a lawyer, a gun, or any combination of the 3.

Yes, but does that make her the bitch from hell or the lawyer the bitch from hell?  My vote is for the lawyer.

Good list of who not to trust.  How about adding anyone from the government and the higher up they are the less you can trust them  (except for clyde)

[Daknack]

Trust me, Lawyers at the way their clients want them too.  Those that are asses are that way because thier clients have no interest in being decent.  Rememebr lawyers are a tool.  Being mad at someones lawyer is like being mad at the plane that hit the trade center towers instead of those directing them.  Ive known honest decent lawyers (admittedly few).  Though I have to say I think real estate agents ae scummier then Lawyers.

[BillyB]

I haven't jumped on the lawyer bandwagon because I believe it will be the beginning of the end of their marriage. If anything, we should be giving the advice to the husband, not the wife, to see an immigration attorney since he seems to pay the bills.  They both have to agree to the attorney or the wife has to do something behind her husband's back effectively destroying any trust that's left between them. A good marriage counselor or someone the husband will listen to can tell the man to get his wifes paperwork in order or if he doesn't know how, then see an a person who does. If one or both parties aren't intersted in saving the marriage then the attorney would be needed if the woman doesn't want to go back to her country. There are plenty of womens groups who will provide the free immigration attorney the woman needs. Castrating the husband is a service they will do free of charge too.

[Leslie]

There are all sorts of whackos engaged in the pursuit of an FSU woman.  Their activities have resulted in ever tighter immigration rules around the world. 

Rando did some FSU babe Fewk you up or were you born like that? 

What you know about immigration law could be written on the head of a pin.

IN TYPE THIS SIZE

You portray the typical mindset of an MOB loser.  You are never going to succeed in this endeavour.  Of course this is never going to be your fault.  It will be down to a treacherous deceitful women

RWLMFAO!!!

Danack. 

The Bar Room Preacher with a white trash mentality. 

Control who your wife speaks to.  

Emotional abuse does not exist. 

Try telling it to the judge

Just like this guy -

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0217062contract1.html

You are cut from the same cloth.

[acrzybear]

Good list of who not to trust.  How about adding anyone from the government and the higher up they are the less you can trust them  (except for clyde)

Especially someone from the government carrying a gun:P

HEY!!:shock:

I resemble that remark!!  What kind of vehicle do you drive TG? 

People are getting way to serious here!!

 

 

 

[mischief]

Leslie, don't throw the "pearls" before the "pigs"!

The person who doesn't believe in seriousness of emotional abuse is Neanderthal…

To me, emotional abuse is much more damaging … bruises will heal but emotional traumas will impact the rest of the life…

 

This woman legally arrived in the USA… she has right to get a SSN and work… she needs means of getting around… Her husband is basically denying her rights to "Life, Liberty and Pursuit of happiness"…   only idiots don't see emotional abuse here!

 

And the guys like Rando should be put on the watch list for women to avoid…

[Daknack]

You hurt my feelings and have mentally abused me I shall have to seek out a lawyer and sue for damages.  In the meantime I will be reading my bible in my double wide trailer.  Anyone know if a tornado is comeing through?

[mischief]

You hurt my feelings and have mentally abused me I shall have to seek out a lawyer and sue for damages.  In the meantime I will be reading my bible in my double wide trailer.  Anyone know if a tornado is comeing through?

Well, reading might help you to come up with something good to say instead of these lame jokes…

[Daknack]

Anytime you want to compare the sizes of brain pan, IQ, or number of books read, Im more then willing.  The "joke" is that its my nice way of telling you your idiots

[mischief]

Anytime you want to compare the sizes of brain pan, IQ, or number of books read, Im more then willing.  The "joke" is that its my nice way of telling you your idiots

John Carey writes" literature does not make you a better person, though it may help you to criticize what you are. But it enlarges your mind…" I would add literature may give you compassion for fellow human beings and common sense…

This, sadly, doesn't seem to have worked in this case…

[Daknack]

Im not sure how you have labeled me as not having compassion.  I see a$$holeish behavior here, but not abuse.  Lets keep in mind that we have only one side of a story.  But we have convicted this man in the court of opinion on this board.  That has nothing to do with compassion or lack of compassion.  Perhaps the real lack of compassion is from those that do not care about the man here and are willing to throw him to the wolves with no evidence.  There are those pushing his wife in a position to screw up his wife with little concern for actually fixing the relationship.  very compassionate.  I will attempt to learn compassion from this example.

[Jet]

DaKnack,

My biggest problem with the direction this thread is going, is that I see you spending an awful lot of time beating others down for their suggestions, and virtually nothing in the way of a positive action plan to help these people out. It's always easier to poke holes in someone elses ideas than to come up with original ideas of your own. I could argue this case from your position, with some degree of effectiveness, but I'd really rather see you do it, instead of just calling everyone a$$holes when they fail to cave in to your point of view.

[Daknack]

the a$$hole comment isnt directed at them but the behavior they describe as "abuse".  Thus far Ive only called anyone posting idiots, liberals, or castrated men (im still convinced most are applicable).

As for constructive ideas, Ive expressed it.  Sit down like adults and discuss.  if they cant talk its dead anyway.  They dont need lawyers they need honesty, and compromise.

As for beating others down for "helping" lawyers dont help.  They destroy.  Its in the job description.  If they want to suggest a non lawyer method thats fine.

I think the theropist idea was the first real suggestion geared at helpingn not destroying a marriage.  Though I admit I find their use dubious at best.

[mischief]

Once again… they were married in Ukraine that means this woman came to the US on a wife visa - she went through all legal paper work and check ups,  was granted a legal presence on the territory of USA and permission to work.  Without SSN she is nobody here, she can't work, she can't get a bank account, driving license etc.  She has a right to get it and this man/ her husband is not entitled to deny this right.  She is not an animal and not a slave it's her husband responsibility to provide her transportation and basic things she needs… He signed the Affidavit of Support while applying for a visa.  

And I don't care if she is the last b*tch in the whole world and he is an angel… I believe it's Leslie who said: "Don't marry a stranger!".  He made her legal presence in the US possible, he signed the papers guaranteed that he is going to support her, now she has a right to get what she is entitled  to and make him  to support her.  That what laws and human rights are for.

[Turboguy]

Nice post mischief.  I agree with you totally.  It sounds like the girl had far worse living condions here than she had back home.

Daknack, I agree that a marriage can be a special and wonderful thing and it is far bettter to try hard to save it than to destroy it.  I think marriage counceling could save a lot of marriages that end up in a divorce.   I think the best first step is marriage councelling.   I think too that there are marriages that are better off ended.  I was in one and stayed far longer than I should have.  We had marriage councelling and it was the biggest waste I ever saw.  It doesn't always work.  Yes, I agree that where there is any hope it can be a real postive thing.

I also think everyone is entitled to thier opinion and their say.  If they are a mamby pamby wuss, or a macho pig headed stubborn idiot, or somone in between.  everyone has a right to exist in this world and to say what they feel.   I know Hitler didn't think so and you don't seem to think so, but they do.  Truthfully I think clear headed logic will convince a lot more people than hitting them with clue bats or calling them stupid names.   I think when the only way someone can make their point is to call someone with differnet ideas names it sounds childish and makes the poster look like someone you don't want to pay much attention to.  You have some good ideas.   I would like to see your points made in ways that people will take more seriously.

 

[Jet]

I think the theropist idea was the first real suggestion geared at helpingn not destroying a marriage.  Though I admit I find their use dubious at best.

Again, stereotypically, the chances that a Russian, any Russian, would embrace the idea of councilling are about slim and none. This is a genuine cultural difference that needs to be taken into account. If she'll go for it, FANTASTIC! but I wouldn't wager any cash on her being open to the suggestion at all.

[BC]

Jet,

Bingo..

You have hit the nail right on the head..  Until a RW feels secure in her new environment she will not be a happy camper or viable partner.  If a man cannot or will not provide for this very basic need the relationship will not flourish.  Many of the difficulties encountered during the early 'adjustment period' we so often discuss have their roots right here..

[user=141]Jet wrote:[/user]

If she can be brought to realize that her status is NOT in jepordy, no matter what, it will relieve a ton of pressure from her shoulders.

[ccdr14]

I appreciate what a lot of you have had to say regarding the original post. SOme of you even want to hear the husbands side of the story. Well, SInce I'm the husband here goes. The original post was placed on a board for the Capitol Couples group which are married American/Russian couples. I responded to that post as I am going to respond to this one.

I first met my wife while in Ukraine. She is 41 and I am 51. I have a 15 year old daughter who lives with me. I have custody of her. When I met my now wife, she was not working. She lived in a house with her mother and 20 year old son. It was her house. We got married and I promised to support her while she was going through the Visa process. This I did. I loved my wife and helping her financially was the only way I knew of to show her how much I cared, since we were apart. I was sending her 200.00 every 2 weeks. I also helped with her kitchen remodel in her home. I later found out that a majority of this money I was sending to her was going for expensive Italian clothing and leather jackets and shoes. This I did't find out until she came to the States. Anyway.

She arrived at JFK in October of 2005. Has only been in the States for 5 months. Since that time my daughter and I have taken her out shopping for all different kinds of clothing. Shoes, and just about everything else she looked interested in. (When she first came here she had one pair of jeans, one skirt, one pairt of shoes and tennis shoes.) I did this mainly because I wanted her to feel comfortable and at ease in a strange country.  Of course there were times when I said "no, not right now." Like everyone else I have bills to pay and a daughter to take care of. I didn't want to completely drain my accounts. Whenever I would say no, she would get this attitude I can't even describe. She would hit me in the arm or kick my in the leg, right in the middle of the store and then storm out of the store. Leaving me standing there having people look at me as if I did something wrong.

I will say she never did without. There were plenty of times I would buy for her and I would be the one wihtout. But that's the way my parents raised me. "Take care of your responsibilities and the ones you love before yourself". I have always tried to live by those words.

As for making her clean my house, I never once asked or told her to do anything around the house. She did this on her own. She cooked for my daughter and myself on her own. Even when I would suggest to let me cook dinner she would say no to me. The few times I took her out for dinner turned into an embarrassing evening of events. She never liked the food and would have a fit right at the table to the point where I wanted to crawl under the table and hide.

She was never locked in the house or never told not to leave the house. There were numerous times when she went out with the wife of the guy who posted the original comment. She also went out on various times with a few of my neighbors. I always gave her money to go with them. She bought more Avon products then Avon stocks.

So last week when I came home early from work I found her packing her clothes. I asked her what she was doing and she told me I was abusing her. When I picked myself up off the ground I asked her where she had heard that word from. She told me "Marina" told he I was . Well, this other lady is the posters wife. A Russian woman whom I really didn't care too much for ever since she wanted me to let my wife work without a Social Security Card. That would have been illegal and I wnated no part of that little scheme.

Well, I asked my wife to sit down with me so we could talk this over. She refused. I told her that if she leaves she will not be coming back. That the advice she has gotten from this other woman is incorrect. Well, she walked out the door and that was that.

The next morning I went to Court and obtained a Protective Order against her so as to protect my home and belongings if she happened to come to the house while I was at work.

So that's the way it stands as of now.  I did everything I thought a good husband was suppose to do. I was in the process of doing her Adjsutment of Status when all this took place. But not anymore.