AM and RW ... are we compatible?

[Boethius]

 

I feel that there are two major factors that come into play in compatibility within relationships, international or otherwise: sharing a common language and a social-educational background.

I think it is more basic than that.  I think it is about core values.

My husband and I share core values.  We share a common language, but not a common social-educational background.  I, on paper, am more "educated", though he is far more learned.  He comes from a different societal background as well.

[Kokopelli]

+1

Out of many, one. 
+10

[Kokopelli]

I think it is more basic than that.  I think it is about core values.

My husband and I share core values.  We share a common language, but not a common social-educational background.  I, on paper, am more "educated", though he is far more learned.  He comes from a different societal background as well.

And what is at the core?
The differences can make life more interesting.

Are RM compatible with AW?

[calmissile]

Boethius

I think it is more basic than that.  I think it is about core values.

My husband and I share core values.  We share a common language, but not a common social-educational background.  I, on paper, am more "educated", though he is far more learned.  He comes from a different societal background as well.

+1  I admire your wide understanding on this issue.

Pitbull,
Of the many Phd's that worked for me,  at least 80% were just like the rest of the engineers.  You would not even know they held Phd's.  I think there were only two exceptions that insisted on everyone addressing them as Doctor.  They were the two that walked around with their nose in the air and made it clear that they do not associate  with the unwashed.  Guess which set of men and women Phd's had the most respect from the workforce at large.

And BTW, some of them liked NASCAR, owned guns, drank beer, and went to church!

[Ade]

I think it is more basic than that.  I think it is about core values.

My husband and I share core values.  We share a common language, but not a common social-educational background.  I, on paper, am more "educated", though he is far more learned.  He comes from a different societal background as well.

I tend to agree with both you and Pitbull. I think that people which have a very similar background and education will tend to share similar core values - understandable as our environment dictates much of the way we think, although there are always exceptions that buck the trend of course.


I flicked past a BBC report about modern India and arranged marriages yesterday which made me think a bit and I just looked up some statistics; it's quite surprising that even today, arranged marriages are an overwhelming majority of marriages there. The number of married women between 24 and 40 is over 90% and the divorce rate is ridiculously low at around 1%.


Now, there seem to be many very happy couples (my wife has even met a few quite young immigrants that were recently married this way and they were extremely happy). The process of matching these couples seems little more involved than what a dating site will do. However,  the criteria tends to be very strict with regards to caste, culture and religion among other things - similar socio-economic-educational background in other words.


Okay, I fully understand that there are other important factors involved in that low divorce rate including social/religious pressures, but still...


[edit] My wife points out that in India they have incredibly strong and extremely close family ties, and this strong support network can help the marriage to overcome problems. She mentions that the immigrants she met find this lack of constant family interaction one of the strangest and more difficult things here. [/edit]


And here's something interesting from the Australian institute of family studies (whoda thunk it ay cobber) that, from my brief perusal, seems to indicate that long term marriages last, essentially because of shared goals, core values and complimentary communication and problem resolution skills.  Oh, and because they like each other.   http://www.aifs.gov.au/institute/pubs/parker2.html

[newjason]

Are RM compatible with AW?

LOL

That's one new thread that will be very interesting  to read for sure.

If they are, may god have mercy on their souls.

[Boethius]

And what is at the core?
The differences can make life more interesting.

Are RM compatible with AW?

The "core" is probably different for different couples, because different people have different values.  For me, the core was attitude toward family, raising a family, and God.

[Boethius]

Now, there seem to be many very happy couples (my wife has even met a few quite young immigrants that were recently married this way and they were extremely happy). The process of matching these couples seems little more involved than what a dating site will do. However,  the criteria tends to be very strict with regards to caste, culture and religion among other things - similar socio-economic-educational background in other words.

I knew a guy whose family was from India, he was a colleague of my sister's.  He dated a lot of women, mostly unhappily.  When he hit his mid-ish thirties, he finally succumbed to family pressure and asked his parents to find a suitable marriage candidate.  He did not ask for a bride, he wasn't ready to relinquish that control.  But, his parents had been nagging him for a decade, and he had never before agreed to meet a woman they'd arranged.

The woman they arranged for him to meet, like him, was a Muslim professional, in her early thirties.  They married within a few months, and now have been happily married over a decade.

[Belvis]

I also can understand your husband. I have people in Russia I love, but if you take them from Russia there will not be any reason for me to go back. ...
now I have a problem when I arrive to our Russian airports...  I miss smiles, cleanness...

When I was in USA I observed this attitude in RW compatible with AM. Incompatible ones would feel :
Родина, еду я на Родину,
Пусть кричат - уродина,
А она нам нравится,
Хоть и не красавица.
  (words from a song, Yu. Schevchuk)

[happyandstable]

   I am going to make this easy so even a PhD can understand.
Compatibility is base upon the parties involved, and the capacity of their hearts (to love and accept) and the openness of their minds (to learn and understand).

[Daveman]

The "core" is probably different for different couples, because different people have different values.  For me, the core was attitude toward family, raising a family, and God.


My husband is from Kyiv, he speaks Ukrainian fluently, but he is mostly not an ethnic Ukrainian.  I am Canadian.  In our case, we met over 30 years ago and have been married more than 28 (when it was not very easy for a Soviet to marry a foreigner).  So, I think we are compatible.

Well, just for the record.. you are also from Ukrainian diaspora, raised with Ukrainian traditions in a Ukrainian family environment.  I am not insinuating that *that* is why you and your husband are compatible, but I think it does make a difference as you have a foundation of of natural understanding upon which the seeds your chemistry, goals, interests, compatible values, etc can take root and begin to flourish. 


This natural understanding eludes most in this for a while (speaking/writing about sincere guys/gals who seek more than the youngest, hottest babe or the best financial situation). It takes time to get a handle on that understanding and sometimes very serious misunderstanding can and do take place in the interim. In many situations the patience runs out before understanding takes hold, or, stubborn ignorant people refuse to acknowledge that there *are* differences in the mating game, family definitions, etc., there *are* challenges on the path which must be navigated together.  Yeah, true with any relationship but the cross-cultural aspect obviously adds another dimension with a new set of challenges which are, quite literally, foreign to us in relationships.


Misha is also an aberration - by living in Russia for quite a while, adapting to that environment, learning to speak the language fluently, etc., etc. and even he has written about "hell" a few times concerning their challenges.




Perhaps "incompatible" is not exactly the best word for AM/RW, but perhaps "naturally aimed in different directions with expectations" or something similar.  Those expectations are where the problems arise, and understanding finally manifests when expectations are reoriented (or blown apart and rebuilt from scratch).

[Daveman]

   I am going to make this easy so even a PhD can understand.
Compatibility is base upon the parties involved, and the capacity of their hearts (to love and accept) and the openness of their minds (to learn and understand).

Well, you just ruled out Russian Ladies! 

[Faux Pas]

Also, just to add more from my personal experience and that of my RW girlfriends in the US. I feel that there are two major factors that come into play in compatibility within relationships, international or otherwise: sharing a common language and a social-educational background.
Due to the nature of my job and the city I live in, I've met a lot of very educated people who speak English well. I can tell you that I have much more in common with and can find many more suitable mates among PhDs from almost any culture, than (for example) high-school educated construction workers from my own country of origin.

In most subcultures in America, you would be considered a snob and rightfully so. 

There's nothing inherently wrong for selecting with whom you choose to associate but, to discount mates or acquaintances  based on the lack of a PHD is the epitome of snobbish. You'd likely be quite surprised that many with whom you'd discount, would not choose to associate with you, not because you have a PhD but because you are a snob

[Ade]

In most subcultures in America, you would be considered a snob and rightfully so. 

There's nothing inherently wrong for selecting with whom you choose to associate but, to discount mates or acquaintances  based on the lack of a PHD is the epitome of snobbish. You'd likely be quite surprised that many with whom you'd discount, would not choose to associate with you, not because you have a PhD but because you are a snob

My wife and I have recently got into a British series called "Come Dine with me" which we usually watch after we've had dinner funnily enough. Anyway, they have variations of this in most countries so I guess you've seen or heard of it.


The British version seems to go out of its way to throw together people of really disparate and eclectic backgrounds; watching this, it's really not surprising that uneducated labourer types (or a particularly ignorant butcher as it was last night) don't get on well with more educated or well read people. I'm not for a minute saying that all manual labourers are unread, ignorant uncouth louts, but, if I were to have to bet on it, it would be far more likely than, for instance, someone educated to degree level and even less likely than someone with a PhD. Then again, sometimes it's surprising how well some people from extremely different backgrounds hit it off, but these tend to be the exceptions.

[pitbull]

In most subcultures in America, you would be considered a snob and rightfully so. 

There's nothing inherently wrong for selecting with whom you choose to associate but, to discount mates or acquaintances  based on the lack of a PHD is the epitome of snobbish. You'd likely be quite surprised that many with whom you'd discount, would not choose to associate with you, not because you have a PhD but because you are a snob

You will be surprised, but I do like people and treat them all well (in real life), no matter what their background is. Actually, far more people would like to associate with me than I have time and energy for. I don't take stupidity and hypocrisy very well though 
However, a very high IQ and a high educational degree has been my #1 criteria in my search for a mate, simply because I've found out I'm most compatible with this kind of people in the the long run. Very high IQ and PhD doesn't make those people any better human beings though (I got in a  heated discussion with a college professor last year, who was convinced that somehow higher education instills good morals. I don't believe it does, morality is a function of personality. Just like being a believer doesn't make one more moral than an atheist for example). But I digress. Preference for high IQ in a mate is not better or worse than a height or boob size or weight preference that most men here admit to having 

[pitbull]

My wife and I have recently got into a British series called "Come Dine with me" which we usually watch after we've had dinner funnily enough. Anyway, they have variations of this in most countries so I guess you've seen or heard of it.


The British version seems to go out of its way to throw together people of really disparate and eclectic backgrounds; watching this, it's really not surprising that uneducated labourer types (or a particularly ignorant butcher as it was last night) don't get on well with more educated or well read people. I'm not for a minute saying that all manual labourers are unread, ignorant uncouth louts, but, if I were to have to bet on it, it would be far more likely than, for instance, someone educated to degree level and even less likely than someone with a PhD. Then again, sometimes it's surprising how well some people from extremely different backgrounds hit it off, but these tend to be the exceptions.

Agree... we are talkig about statistcally significant chances to find a compatible mate within similar social-educational segment of a society, o foreign one or your own 

[Darth_Budda]

it's really not surprising that uneducated labourer types don't get on well with more educated or well read people. I'm not for a minute saying that all manual labourers are unread, ignorant uncouth louts, but, if I were to have to bet on it, it would be far more likely than, for instance, someone educated to degree level and even less likely than someone with a PhD. Then again, sometimes it's surprising how well some people from extremely different backgrounds hit it off, but these tend to be the exceptions.

As a uneducated construction laborer thanks for not placing us all in one group...

I don't consider my self a ignorant uncouth lout. But its hard to make these determinations looking in the mirror... 

For all i know i am all of the above...   

[happyandstable]

Well, you just ruled out Russian Ladies! 

   The problem with vast generalizations is there is more exceptions to the rule then there are examples to prove it. People are far more complex then any over simplified view can paint them. You may say that my comments rules out Russian women but that has not been my experience. Although your experiences may vary, that does not preclude all the good FSUW's out there from being the person they choose to be!

[happyandstable]

You will be surprised, but I do like people and treat them all well (in real life), no matter what their background is. Actually, far more people would like to associate with me than I have time and energy for. I don't take stupidity and hypocrisy very well though 
However, a very high IQ and a high educational degree has been my #1 criteria in my search for a mate, simply because I've found out I'm most compatible with this kind of people in the the long run. Very high IQ and PhD doesn't make those people any better human beings though (I got in a  heated discussion with a college professor last year, who was convinced that somehow higher education instills good morals. I don't believe it does, morality is a function of personality. Just like being a believer doesn't make one more moral than an atheist for example). But I digress. Preference for high IQ in a mate is not better or worse than a height or boob size or weight preference that most men here admit to having 

   Well said pitbull

[Daveman]

You will be surprised, but I do like people and treat them all well (in real life), no matter what their background is. Actually, far more people would like to associate with me than I have time and energy for. I don't take stupidity and hypocrisy very well though 
However, a very high IQ and a high educational degree has been my #1 criteria in my search for a mate, simply because I've found out I'm most compatible with this kind of people in the the long run. Very high IQ and PhD doesn't make those people any better human beings though (I got in a  heated discussion with a college professor last year, who was convinced that somehow higher education instills good morals. I don't believe it does, morality is a function of personality. Just like being a believer doesn't make one more moral than an atheist for example). But I digress. Preference for high IQ in a mate is not better or worse than a height or boob size or weight preference that most men here admit to having 

I agree with this for the most part...
I had the same criterion of "intelligence" when searching for a mate.  But I think you are overlooking the obvious 800lb gorilla in your assertion...

HighIQ or "equal intelligence" represents one (e)quality of compatibility..


PhD represents your stereotypical RW desire for sheer status, baby.. status.. 

[pitbull]

PhD represents your stereotypical RW desire for sheer status, baby.. status.. 

Whatever rocks your boat. It's okay to feed your little pet peeve off of my posts, I like you 

[Faux Pas]

My wife and I have recently got into a British series called "Come Dine with me" which we usually watch after we've had dinner funnily enough. Anyway, they have variations of this in most countries so I guess you've seen or heard of it.


The British version seems to go out of its way to throw together people of really disparate and eclectic backgrounds; watching this, it's really not surprising that uneducated labourer types (or a particularly ignorant butcher as it was last night) don't get on well with more educated or well read people. I'm not for a minute saying that all manual labourers are unread, ignorant uncouth louts, but, if I were to have to bet on it, it would be far more likely than, for instance, someone educated to degree level and even less likely than someone with a PhD. Then again, sometimes it's surprising how well some people from extremely different backgrounds hit it off, but these tend to be the exceptions.

Not really, my reality TV entertainment is limited but, I do get the jest of it. My guess is that those particular people were assembled together for that specific effect and hardly representative of dinner mates others would likely choose for themselves, no?

My point was more that if a PhD was what it took to live a full, rich life, we'd probably all have one. Education level isn't a pedigree, it's an education which isn't necessarily available to all and should be left to applications.

People tend to gravitate to those with whom they share like life experiences. Nothing wrong with that but, to use formal education level as a qualifier with whom they share their life is quite snobbish. Not all Butchers are ignorant and not all PhDs are intelligent. I personally have had  stimulating intelligent conversations and relationships with both. Educated snobs are as undesirable as company as the loudmouthed uneducated rednecks.

[Daveman]

   The problem with vast generalizations is there is more exceptions to the rule then there are examples to prove it. People are far more complex then any over simplified view can paint them. You may say that my comments rules out Russian women but that has not been my experience. Although your experiences may vary, that does not preclude all the good FSUW's out there from being the person they choose to be!

There are reasons for stereotypes... 

[Daveman]

Whatever rocks your boat. It's okay to feed your little pet peeve off of my posts, I like you 

Not a pet peeve at all.  I have simply shed my Romantic Idealist ways and have accepted life on its terms rather than my own... 

[Darth_Budda]

HighIQ or "equal intelligence" represents one (e)quality of compatibility..

High IQ from my understanding only measures the amount of information a person can adsorb at one time.

Example: a person with a low IQ looks at a picture and see's the picture, colors on the wall.
A person with a high IQ looks at the same picture and looks past the colors on the wall and may see
the concept/feeling that the painter was trying to promote or share.
It is one thing to read a book it is another to understand and feel it, type of thing.

http://mental-health.families.com/blog/what-does-iq-really-mean

It is rather a poor indicator of true intelligence.

I only score around 120... But I have done some rather unintelligent things in my life.