Life Changes...Part Deux Part 2

[Turboguy]

Yeah I just don't get it though.  I mean it's one thing to be delusional, but in this case his wife actually called him ugly, so if there isn't physical attraction, then he's making up for it in one of two ways, his personality or $$$.   And personality will get your feet in the door, but after a while a girl will realize she can have that and more, especially if she's young and good looking.  I could be wrong though, time will tell, which is why it will be interesting if this Billy guy keeps posting for years to come.

Some women can be smart enough to know that "how much you have" does not equate to happiness.  I have seen a lot of really rich but very unhappy people.  I will agree that more can also include a younger, better looking husband but in that case too there are a lot of very smoking hot, beautiful women who can make their husbands life miserable.  The same would apply in reverse.   I think many women will stick with a man if he treats her well and makes her happy even if he isn't rich and handsome. 


The activities I have noticed Billy posting don't look to be out of reach for a middle class or upper middle class couple.  Most are walking around a beach or a park somewhere.  Billy is in construction which does pay better than flipping burgers at MickeyD's. 

[LiveFromUkraine]

Regardless of what I or others feel about THEIR situation, the fact is they are married.   I find it somewhat tasteless that people would be talking about their marriage in such regards.

[jmana]

Regardless of what I or others feel about THEIR situation, the fact is they are married.   I find it somewhat tasteless that people would be talking about their marriage in such regards.

It's a public forum, nothing is sacred online

[TomT]

It's a public forum, nothing is sacred online

Members are fair game, within reason, but significant others are exempt from criticism until after the divorce.

[LiveFromUkraine]

It's a public forum, nothing is sacred online

Actually, this is a private forum with rules in place as TomT pointed out. 

[vwrw]

People who feel risk aversion and look at life as a collection of destinations will never understand people who are risk takers and look at life as a journey.
People like BillyB, my husband, KenC, and Gator, they are not intimidated by risk and can enter into a relationship that theoretically and intuitively are of a higher risk of failure. They are rather indifferent to risk considerations because  they are focused on the pleasurable sides of the relationship that a "safe" partner would not provide for them.  Even if the relationship eventually fails, risk takers are fine with that and easy to rebound.

[Turboguy]

I have to agree that life is a journey.   It seems to me that there are some who during that journey notice the beautiful landscapes, the majestic mountains, the awesome sunsets and others who only notice the potholes, traffic jams and litter. 

[TomT]

People who feel risk aversion and look at life as a collection of destinations will never understand people who are risk takers and look at life as a journey.
People like BillyB, my husband, KenC, and Gator, they are not intimidated by risk and can enter into a relationship that theoretically and intuitively are of a higher risk of failure. They are rather indifferent to risk considerations because  they are focused on the pleasurable sides of the relationship that a "safe" partner would not provide for them.  Even if the relationship eventually fails, risk takers are fine with that and easy to rebound.

Sociopaths are indifferent to risk and rebound easily, so risk-taking may not necessarily be meritorious.

[calmissile]

People who feel risk aversion and look at life as a collection of destinations will never understand people who are risk takers and look at life as a journey.
People like BillyB, my husband, KenC, and Gator, they are not intimidated by risk and can enter into a relationship that theoretically and intuitively are of a higher risk of failure. They are rather indifferent to risk considerations because  they are focused on the pleasurable sides of the relationship that a "safe" partner would not provide for them.  Even if the relationship eventually fails, risk takers are fine with that and easy to rebound.

+1  Very well put.

[vwrw]

Sociopaths are indifferent to risk and rebound easily, so risk-taking may not necessarily be meritorious.

Everything stops being meritorious when it is taken to extreme. Sociopaths are extreme outliers among people who can enjoy life despite being exposed to a higher risk than people with "safe" partners. 

[Muzh]

Everything stops being meritorious when it is taken to extreme. Sociopaths are extreme outliers among people who can enjoy life despite being exposed to a higher risk than people with "safe" partners.

I'm sorry but, can you explain this 'higher risk' and 'safe' partners? Is there such a thing in marriage?

[Turboguy]

I'm sorry but, can you explain this 'higher risk' and 'safe' partners? Is there such a thing in marriage?

When I first read your post Muzh, I was going to joke that a safe partner was one with a vasectomy and a recent STD test and a high risk partner was a criminal, drug addict and old fart.


In reality wouldn't  most of us who marry someone we have spent a few weeks with (some more some much less) fall into the high risk category in the eyes of most normal people  (we who do this are not normal of course)   Then off course you can add in the language and cultural differences. 


Even though we are high risk there seems to be a pretty good success rate for many people. 

[vwrw]

I'm sorry but, can you explain this 'higher risk' and 'safe' partners? Is there such a thing in marriage?

What are you sorry for?


I personally do not believe in existence of "safe" partners. But there are people, like jmana, who do believe in their existence. In their opinion, a person who is out of their league, who can realize that she can get more once she is here, who wants advance her education and travel is an "unsafe partner". Therefore, a person from their league, who thinks she cannot get any better than she already has in the face of her husband, who opts to be a baby factory instead of advancing their education, who is fascinated by cooking, not traveling must be a "safe" partner in their opinion. And there might be some truth in their thinking since at the times when women were always pregnant, barefoot, and in the kitchen, divorces were rare. 

[TS]

If both husband and wife are on the same page in life, and still on the same path years later your marriage is going to last and be happy.
But couples who are not on the same page on children, money, etc will head towards misery or divorce.
Many times a husband and wife are on the same page but 10 years later one of them changes pages. 
My advise don't marry women under 28 years old and make sure you spent at least 1 year dating before marriage.  Then make sure you both agree on children, spending, where to live etc. 
I find marriage to a RW very easily.  But I really made sure we were right for each other.  5 plus years of marriage and several children and were happy as ever.

[vwrw]

I find it amusing when people like  jmana come here and try to scary people like BillyB with their speculations about how bad they will feel when their "unequal" partner will leave them, which they imagine is inevitable. However, reading divorce news on this site, I have got the impression that  "equal" partners' divorces are often much uglier than those that involve people from different leagues. 


To illustrate, look at the aftermath of divorce of Greg Ge ( or what is his nick)...reportedly, he was married to an awful woman, he was so unhappy he could not give his children enough quality time, the divorce lasted 3 years and did not appear to be amicable. Now recall KenC' s divorce.  The aftermath was that he was married to a wonderful woman, they had great time together, once the time was gone, they got an amicable divorce, she refused her settlement and they both moved on to a new happiness.
 

[TomT]

Everything stops being meritorious when it is taken to extreme. Sociopaths are extreme outliers among people who can enjoy life despite being exposed to a higher risk than people with "safe" partners.

I think that it's more complex than that.


http://grupsderecerca.uab.cat/zkpq/sites/grupsderecerca.uab.cat.zkpq/files/zkpq8.pdf

[GQBlues]

People who feel risk aversion and look at life as a collection of destinations will never understand people who are risk takers and look at life as a journey.

People like BillyB, my husband, KenC, and Gator, they are not intimidated by risk and can enter into a relationship that theoretically and intuitively are of a higher risk of failure. They are rather indifferent to risk considerations because  they are focused on the pleasurable sides of the relationship that a "safe" partner would not provide for them.  Even if the relationship eventually fails, risk takers are fine with that and easy to rebound.

Maybe I simply didn't understand your message above.

But aren't the men you used above have failed in their marriages at least once already? So, is it always a 'pleasant' experience to find yourself divorced or sought yourself to get divorced so that you may again marry because it is pleasing?

If the pleasurable side of a *high risk of failure* takers is being in the state of being 'married', then why even divorce in the first place?

Further, do you really believe a couple who doesn't get divorced, a result of being with what you define as a 'safe partner', are void of any pleasurable experiences? Compared to *happy people* marry just so they can divorce, then marry so they can divorce again, etc...because it's a pleasurable experience?

I'm thinking, giving this a closer evaluation - you are actually agreeing (somewhat) to jmana, yet you are sure you are not.

I swear I'm not a Jewish Palestinian so my confusion doesn't lie in that paradox.

[Anotherkiwi]

I have to agree that life is a journey.   It seems to me that there are some who during that journey notice the beautiful landscapes, the majestic mountains, the awesome sunsets and others who only notice the potholes, traffic jams and litter.

There are, of course, some of us who can manage to notice all of the above. 

[LiveFromUkraine]

There are, of course, some of us who can manage to notice all of the above. 

If anyone is in Ukraine, I strongly recommend noticing the manholes without covers otherwise your beautiful landscape may change very fast. 

[GQBlues]

If anyone is in Ukraine, I strongly recommend noticing the manholes without covers otherwise your beautiful landscape may change very fast.

 

But it's part of the journey, you non-high-risk-taker you...

[fathertime]

I find it amusing when people like  jmana come here and try to scary people like BillyB with their speculations about how bad they will feel when their "unequal" partner will leave them, which they imagine is inevitable. However, reading divorce news on this site, I have got the impression that  "equal" partners' divorces are often much uglier than those that involve people from different leagues. 


To illustrate, look at the aftermath of divorce of Greg Ge ( or what is his nick)...reportedly, he was married to an awful woman, he was so unhappy he could not give his children enough quality time, the divorce lasted 3 years and did not appear to be amicable. Now recall KenC' s divorce.  The aftermath was that he was married to a wonderful woman, they had great time together, once the time was gone, they got an amicable divorce, she refused her settlement and they both moved on to a new happiness.
 

Hi vwrw, 
What you have written does make sense, but probably mostly to those who fall in that category or are close on the spectrum...I get it.   

I've learned that if divorcing, it is very very important to try to divorce on 'friendly enough' terms.  If a couple can do that (and they have children) it is very good for the whole family.  If I were to ever divorce again, I'd make a couple more sacrifices than I feel necessary in order to make it happen that way...

BillyB, seems like he has a very decent marriage to a young spectacularly beautiful lady, but he has quite a few detractors for some reason.[size=78%]  [/size]

[/size]Fathertime![size=78%][/size][size=78%] [/size]

[jmana]

I personally do not believe in existence of "safe" partners. But there are people, like jmana, who do believe in their existence. In their opinion, a person who is out of their league, who can realize that she can get more once she is here, who wants advance her education and travel is an "unsafe partner". Therefore, a person from their league, who thinks she cannot get any better than she already has in the face of her husband, who opts to be a baby factory instead of advancing their education, who is fascinated by cooking, not traveling must be a "safe" partner in their opinion. And there might be some truth in their thinking since at the times when women were always pregnant, barefoot, and in the kitchen, divorces were rare. 

Oh wow you really got me wrong!  That is completely NOT what I was talking about, at all.  All I was saying is if this girl leaves him (and the odds aren't on his side, with this being a second marriage, to a much younger woman, of a different country) he's bound to wish she pulled more weight in the relationship.  But maybe not?  Maybe that's the tradeoff to marrying someone young enough to be a daughter, is that you literally have to support her just like you would a daughter.   What do I know?  I wouldn't want to marry someone that much younger, heck I felt creepy enough walking around with someone 6 years younger than me, I couldn't imagine walking hand in hand with someone 20 something years younger than me    I'd feel like a pedophile or something.  I'm not a fat hairy old man (I'm only 37 and in good shape), but it just makes me sick to think of some teenage (or nearly teenage) girl getting groped upon by some nasty old guy with gray pubes Besides, I prefer to be with someone that if they want to go to school, that they put some effort into making that happen and not expecting daddy-hubby to pay for it.  Or if they want their mother to come visit, they find some way to chip in.  And no it's not about being cheap, it's about being with someone who can do for themselves, and not wanting to feel taken advantage of, especially if the relationship ends.

[LiveFromUkraine]

I'm not a fat hairy old man (I'm only 37 and in good shape), but it just makes me sick to think of some teenage (or nearly teenage) girl getting groped upon by some nasty old guy with gray pubes Besides, I prefer to be with someone that if they want to go to school, that they put some effort into making that happen and not expecting daddy-hubby to pay for it.  Or if they want their mother to come visit, they find some way to chip in.  And no it's not about being cheap, it's about being with someone who can do for themselves, and not wanting to feel taken advantage of, especially if the relationship ends.

How long have you had this phobia of old men with grey pubes?

[jmana]

How long have you had this phobia of old men with grey pubes?

Ever since I saw old guys walking proudly around the locker room at the gym without covering up with a towel    By the way, if you are old, and your pubes are longer than your equipment, you really should trim that carpet down!  Your teenage wife will appreciate being able to locate it

[Turboguy]

it just makes me sick to think of some teenage (or nearly teenage) girl getting groped upon by some nasty old guy with gray pubes

Do you think the nasty old guy with gray pubes kidnapped the girl or keeps her with him at gunpoint?  The reality is those girls make their own choices about who is groping them.  If that is what they want it is their right to have any consenting person grope them they wish.  Maybe it is a stupid choice but young people make stupid choices.  I can look back on many choices I made at a young age that turned out to be very stupid.  That is my right.  My way of learning, my way of finding my way through life.  If I let myself be made sick by any relationship I saw and didn't think was right I would have ulcers in a very short time.  So, I take it you are not a believer in individual rights and free choice.
Time flies.  You will be surprised how quickly you will be one of those old guys walking proudly around the locker room at the gym without covering up with a towel.