Aloe, the desperate housewife

[Muzh]

Thank you for sharing, MissAmeno. Problem is, when we don't argue, he is nice and wonderful... More caring and more supportive and just better than any other man i have ever dated. If he wasn't that nice to begin with, i wouldn't have tolerated any of what he has done (like all those times during our 1st year when he blackmailed me into doing stuff under threat of divorce). But because he is so great, i just keep closing my eyes to all the episodes. And he does seem to learn, but very slowly.

WTF??

Am I missing something here somewhere? Mind explaining how wonderful is being blackmailed?

[Muzh]

It was same in my situation. He done things for me that put me in position of feeling guilty to even consider for a second that maybe he doesnt care or love me. Like you I didnt want to argue about little things, they didnt matter to me. And as you I couldnt understand how is it possible that we could have those bad moments while most of the time its all so nice and wonderful. And when happened 1st bad moment - I forgave him, when happened second time - I forgave again, and again, and again ... till its become so often that wonderful moments started to loose its meaning, couldnt love him anymore but still, as you said, would have "warm affection" because of eveything we have been through together.

Yea, like that. Girl, are you listening WITH YOUR EYES WIDE OPEN?

[Ranetka]

Since you've asked I will give you my thoughts. You state how wonderful your husband is when you two are not arguing; classic abuser/battered spouse behavior (him) and mentality (you). Think about it for a second. The guy had you walking in the cold so he can sleep an extra 10 or 15 miniutes. He plays music every evening he knows you hate. I'm sure there's more examples you've shared, those are just two that come quickly to mind. Wonderful? Not how I would treat someone I care for let alone the most important person in my life.
Step back and look at yourself and your situation for a minute. You're young, you have no children whose welfare you have to consider. You're intellegent and seem to have a great sense of humor. You haven't posted any pictures but I'll assume you're somewhat attractive. Hello! a good life and happiness are your's for the taking. Now at the moment you're probably clinicaly depressed and see this guy as good as it gets and you'll never do better. You feel this marriage was your shot at happiness with a wonderful guy. Forgive my "french" but Bull Sh*t. Narcotic addicts will tell you the first time or two they used it was like being in heaven. But after that first couple of times they could never reach that same feeling and they spend the next x number of years chasing a feeling they never atain. You had a brief time "heaven" with with someone you thought was a truly wonderful. I would suggest you not spend the next x number of years chasing a feeling with this person that you will never atain.
While it sucks to go home with your tail between your legs IMHO you're best option is to push the reset button and do just that. You're worried about telling your mom what's going on preserving because of the reaction she will have. You're maintaining an illusion for her. Sure she's not going to like the guy who assaulted her daughter. And what? I'd be a little concerned if your family were a bunch of gangsters and the guy was likley to go missing but short of that where's the benifit in maintaining pretenses?
Take some time, and start over again my dear. Most of us here have had relationships that ended and we've pushed the reset button and started over. For most it was somewhat painful. That's life, it's not a pain free experience. Many of us are much happier than we were. The advantage you have over most of us is you're 15 to 20 or more years younger than we are. At the moment you're stuck in a rain storm but there will be many sunny days ahead.
Brian

+1.


I wish now I would just get back home first time I realized I was not happy with my ex. God rest his soul.

[Doll]

How can a WM blackmail his wife?
Are you seriously asking this question?
I know nothing about Belgium, but there are hundreds ways of blackmailing foreign wives in the states (till they get their Permanent GC).
 
Aloe, you need to tell everything to your parents! First of all they deserve to know (I am a mother of two adult boys), next- the more people know about your problem, the better. It is just not fair for your mom to not know what's going on. Pick up the phone and talk to your mom and dad.

[Muzh]

You're worried about telling your mom what's going on preserving because of the reaction she will have. You're maintaining an illusion for her. Sure she's not going to like the guy who assaulted her daughter. And what? I'd be a little concerned if your family were a bunch of gangsters and the guy was likley to go missing but short of that where's the benifit in maintaining pretenses?

Parents have a way to know something is not right. I bet you anything mom has mentioned to papa that she's getting a feeling about something not too good.

[Doll]

Agree with Briannaz 150%

[ML]

Rivcardo baited the gang into what - - - 30 pages or so of responses in a couple of threads.

Anyone see something going on here with this thread and her previous ones?
Pushing all the correct buttons.

[Gator]

I will avoid psychological analysis as it is a complex science.  Nevertheless, it is clear to me that hubby does not respect Aloe. 
 
He repeatedly plays music that annoys her.  He calls her horrible names.  He gives her the finger.  He makes her walk to school while he sleeps late and drives to work.  He uses physical force to win conflicts.  I can only guess how money is spent (I assume for things he wants).  I can only guess how house chores are shared (she does more than half).
 
Such is very bad IMO.  These are not what a loving man does to the woman he loves.
 
If any of us married men did such to our wives would we expect her to take it.
 
Aloe, this man does not respect you.  And if he does not respect you, he does not truly love you. 
 
You have been together long enough to resolve your differences.  They have not been resolved.  Your life with him will not get better.  There are better men out there.  You need to end this relationship soon and start a new life. 
 
We have seen your photo.  You are a beautiful woman.  Your posts reveal you are a caring, intelligent and fun loving woman.

[Faux Pas]

This is why i am here and why i write such detailed accounts. What do you think i should have done?


Besides a psychologist and an exit strategy. You have already said those

I couldn't even pretend to know what you should have did or what you should do going forward. Truthfully. I didn't think about such things as physical/mental stability and safety when I was your age and married. I'm pretty sure you are not thinking about it now. Probably just the aspects of young love/marriage, the next pay check and romp between the sheets. And that's fine but, it seems you are fast approaching an intersection in your life and marriage and it will demand your attention, else, one or both flee from you. Protect yourself 

[I/O]

Unless i had belgian citizenship and could apply for an australian work and travel visa. I hear you can earn and save lots of money in the outback.

Bascially, only in the resources sector - sure, a young attractive, wow, add foreign just to make it juicy, woman can earn plenty of money around a mining camp, go figure. Aloe, such places are not for you.
 

But you cant apply for that visa as a russian citizen.

This is not entirely correct - you require a sponsor, if you were serious, I'd be looking for #457 temporary work visa options first and work from there.

[fathertime]

I will avoid psychological analysis as it is a complex science.  Nevertheless, it is clear to me that hubby does not respect Aloe. 
 
He repeatedly plays music that annoys her.  He calls her horrible names.  He gives her the finger.  He makes her walk to school while he sleeps late and drives to work.  He uses physical force to win conflicts.  I can only guess how money is spent (I assume for things he wants).  I can only guess how house chores are shared (she does more than half).
 
Such is very bad IMO.  These are not what a loving man does to the woman he loves.
 
If any of us married men did such to our wives would we expect her to take it.
 
Aloe, this man does not respect you.  And if he does not respect you, he does not truly love you. 
 
You have been together long enough to resolve your differences.  They have not been resolved.  Your life with him will not get better.  There are better men out there.  You need to end this relationship soon and start a new life. 
 
We have seen your photo.  You are a beautiful woman.  Your posts reveal you are a caring, intelligent and fun loving woman.

Based on all the this information that is coming out, it is strange that you would still be with the man.  If all these things are true, then most anyone would better off finding another man. 


Fathertime! 

[Doll]

Based on all the this information that is coming out, it is strange that you would still be with the man.  If all these things are true, then most anyone would better off finding another man. 

Aloe is quite clear- she needs the citizenship to stay where she is.

[Anotherkiwi]

Bascially, only in the resources sector - sure, a young attractive, wow, add foreign just to make it juicy, woman can earn plenty of money around a mining camp, go figure. Aloe, such places are not for you...

When I saw this I had visions of Aloe driving one of the 100 tonne dump trucks at somewhere like Kunnanurra...think how much easier it would be for Rio Tinto or whoever to recruit with Aloe as a poster girl!
 
However...on the serious side, Aloe, I'm hoping that MissAmeno has sent you a PM with at least the major details of how she was able to sort out her life.  I think we're all worried that your situation will escalate much more quickly than you assume is possible.  You MUST be prepared to run quite soon...after the next incident you may not be around to tell us the details.
 
Let me tell you a story which was relayed to me by a woman I wrote and talked to for quite a while, and I have no reason to doubt its accuracy.  A work colleague of hers fell in love with this wonderful man - good job, good prospects, nice mother - and they got married and he moved into the apartment which she owned.  A week after the wedding he came home drunk, smashed her head against a wall and raped her.  When he woke up he was all apologetic, bought her a huge bunch of flowers and promised it would never happen again.  It didn't...for two weeks.  As the situation worsened she told her mother-in-law (who of course didn't believe anything bad about her precious son) and the woman I was talking to, who DID believe her.
 
Eventually the mother-in-law came home one night to find her son choking the life out of his wife, and knocked him out with a frying pan.  She waited while the police came and took her son away, and took his wife to the hospital for treatment.  Her throat was so sore she could barely even talk in a whisper.  The next day, back at home, he assaulted and nearly killed her again.  How could he possibly have been released to be there?  Well, you see, he was a policeman too...and of course it was all her fault for provoking him.
 
Dear Aloe, we do NOT want to read about you in this way.  I don't care if you think that you really ARE in some way to blame, however unlikely that may seem, and that it will get better.  Get OUT - NOW.

[missAmeno]

However...on the serious side, Aloe, I'm hoping that MissAmeno has sent you a PM with at least the major details of how she was able to sort out her life.

No, I didnt. I would love to help her but I dont know how. My story will not help her either as it ended with me runing one late evening on street for help with face that looked as a scary Halloween mask. And then it were police, charges, courts, threats to kill me, threats of him commiting suicide, non molestation order, breaches of non molestation order, again police, breaking into property I been living at, again police, again courts, probation ... for almost a year till finally he understood if he tries to contact me once again he facing 2 years minimum in prison and he wasnt prepared to go back to prison again.

And most importantly my stay in country wasnt depending on him at that time and neither I was anymore dependent on him financially, had place to live too.



Aloe, you have to tell your counselor about domestic abuse, just plain facts what and when happened without your doubts perhaps its justified. Next find organisation that provides advice and support for victims of domestic abuse in your country, they should be able to find someone who can give correct advise on legal matters in your circumstances. One thing that you must realize is that domestic abuse isnt just physical violence but also psychological, sexual, emotional or financial abuse and not all forms of domestic abuse are criminal but still they leave long  lasting impact on wellbeing of abused person.
You have to take care of yourself and must be aware that more likely violent outbursts will happen again. Find out if there are shelters/refugee for victims of domestic abuse (must be, they exist in most western countries), get their contact details, speak with them, keep their phone numbers in your phone (but make sure you name them that hubby would never guess what it is). If anything bad happens at least you will be able to call them and ask for help. Also make sure you have some little money that hubby not aware about, again just in case something really bad happens that you are able to cope for few days.

[LiveFromUkraine]

Seems like a few have condemned the guy based on one side of the story.  He is definitely doing things wrong but we still don't know the whole story.  Aloe isn't doing the right things either. 

The problem, as I stated before, is there is no respect anymore.  I don't think Aloe respects him either. 

It doesn't matter who is wrong or who is right.  It is more of a what to do about it now.  Things will get worst when there is no respect.  I honestly don't know how they will get back to respecting each other. 

Aloe, it isn't his job to make you happy.

[Spoon]

Seems like a few have condemned the guy based on one side of the story.  He is definitely doing things wrong but we still don't know the whole story.  Aloe isn't doing the right things either. 

The problem, as I stated before, is there is no respect anymore.  I don't think Aloe respects him either. 

It doesn't matter who is wrong or who is right.  It is more of a what to do about it now.  Things will get worst when there is no respect.  I honestly don't know how they will get back to respecting each other. 

Aloe, it isn't his job to make you happy.

A very valid post. Remember -  we are hearing about one incident from one side of the equation - I'm not sure if folk relating their worst case scenarios are of much help either, other than to instill fear, they are helping to paint the guy as a complete monster with homicidal tendencies. None of us were there, do we really know what Aloe would have done with that glass if she managed to grab it? Does she even know what she may have done?

Believe me, the guy is obviously showing no respect and violence is never the way to make your point (self defense being the exception) & it seems that Aloe has some serious choices to make.

And Aloe, that's what you you need to do - choose.

Choose to stay, and somehow find the energy to make it work, or choose to leave and find the energy for a fresh start.

Choose to let others dictate your happiness, or choose to find happiness on your own terms.

Whatever you do, I think you know the status quo cannot continue. I would strongly suggest talking with your parents, they are often wiser than you think

[Anotherkiwi]

A very valid post. Remember -  we are hearing about one incident from one side of the equation - I'm not sure if folk relating their worst case scenarios are of much help either, other than to instill fear, they are helping to paint the guy as a complete monster with homicidal tendencies.

Perhaps I should have added a bit of narrative to my post.  I'm not suggesting (yet) that Aloe's husband is, or is likely to become, a homicidal maniac.  However, you seem to have no idea just how quickly some people change.  In my story above this man had behaved perfectly, with no hint of any problems, up to and through the first couple of weeks of his marriage.  From then until nearly killing his wife was a matter of just a few weeks, and my friend was in tears as she told me that there was nothing she could do to help because of him being a policeman.
 

None of us were there, do we really know what Aloe would have done with that glass if she managed to grab it? Does she even know what she may have done?

No, we don't know what would have happened, but the results may have been catastrophic.  Again, I'm not stigmatising Aloe's husband, but a man in this situation, being threatened or actually hit, is extremely likely to react much more severely than one who has been ignored.

Believe me, the guy is obviously showing no respect and violence is never the way to make your point (self defense being the exception) & it seems that Aloe has some serious choices to make.

And Aloe, that's what you you need to do - choose.

Choose to stay, and somehow find the energy to make it work, or choose to leave and find the energy for a fresh start.

Choose to let others dictate your happiness, or choose to find happiness on your own terms.

Whatever you do, I think you know the status quo cannot continue. I would strongly suggest talking with your parents, they are often wiser than you think

From her own posts, Aloe doesn't believe she has a choice - she thinks she is stuck because of the citizenship/study issue.  Apart from that, I totally agree with this last part of what you've written.

[GoodOlBoy]

I don't think Aloe respects him either.

Yeah, It's kinda hard to "respect" somebody when they are choking your ass. 

GOB

[LiveFromUkraine]

Yeah, It's kinda hard to "respect" somebody when they are choking your ass. 

GOB

I am sure a tough guy like you would just let a woman hit you with a glass object.  I mean, she was screaming and reaching for an object to smash.   

[GoodOlBoy]

 

None of us were there, do we really know what Aloe would have done with that glass if she managed to grab it?

As I said upthread to BC, try this rational thinking with your local police officer next time you see him on the street.

"Gee judge, I had to choke the officer because I thought he was going to hurt me with that baton on his belt" 
 
Yeah, good luck with that one.

GOB

[LiveFromUkraine]

As I said upthread to BC, try this rational thinking with your local police officer next time you see him on the street.

"Gee judge, I had to choke the officer because I thought he was going to hurt me with that baton on his belt" 
 
Yeah, good luck with that one.

GOB

Bad analogy.  It makes no sense at all.

[GoodOlBoy]

Bad analogy.  It makes no sense at all.

Hey, just go on out on the street today and choke somebody LFU.
It doesn't really matter who or for what reason....

Yeah, you know better.

GOB

[LiveFromUkraine]

Hey, just go on out on the street today and choke somebody LFU.
It doesn't really matter who or for what reason.
Yeah, you know better.

GOB

I will defend myself from bodily harm regardless if it is a male or female. 

Besides that I don't need to go around choking people on the street nor am scared of cops with batons since they are not screaming and yelling at me with objects in their hands.

I do know things are more black and white in your universe so discussing this is probably a waste of time.

I think we all just want Aloe to be happy and should concentrate on that.

[GoodOlBoy]

I think we all just want Aloe to be happy and should concentrate on that.

I think we all just want Aloe to be happy SAFE and should concentrate on that.

There, fixed that for you.

GOB

[Doll]

I think we all just want Aloe to be happy SAFE and should concentrate on that.

There, fixed that for you.

GOB

+100