Aloe, the desperate housewife

[Aloe]

Why does someone keep saying over and over again that i was screaming while reaching for glasses? I was reaching for it being silent, thankyouverymuch    I wasnt screaming or hysterical until AFTER he let go of me.

[Aloe]

Thank you everyone for your replies and compassion. It isn't as bad as some people see it though.. Like i said, when we dont argue, we get along wonderfully.. Joking and laughing a lot and hugging a lot and stuff. But someone said something that made me think. Made me wonder, do i respect him, and does he respect me? Difficult question. How do you find out the answer?

[Aloe]

Also how to get rid of anger? I have come to realize i am very very angry deep down, not sure at who, and i never show it. It is all bottled up and i feel it makes me sick. I tried beating up the couch with a pillow, but that doesn't help anything.

[Aloe]

  He blackmailed you into doing what?

I think this was the topic of some of my old threads. Vacuum or divorce, tan or divorce.. same old stuff. PRetty stupid really. I think he has realized that that was stupid, cuz i haven't heard anything like that for longer than a year.

[Aloe]

Every person of course is different and every situiotion is different also.
You have to decide for yourself what you want.
But if you decide to try work on your marriage, find the way that he speaks to third party, someone like counselor. That either will change relationship for better or finally break it (as it will open your eyes to see if there is chance or not to improve situation).

Thank you for your posts, missAmeno.
I don't know what i want. That's one of the main problems in my life    And still don't know how to find out what i want.. Third party too expensive. But i told him i'll send him to a psychologist if he is ever violent again.

[Aloe]

I believe seeing a counselor on your own will help you deal with your self-esteem issues. This can go a long way to helping you also with your relationships as well. Good luck.

I dunno. When i'm talking to the psychologist i feel fine. It's when im alone my self-esteem is rolling up and down all the time.

[Aloe]

Aloe, there is a lot of what you have said, that I recognize as having happened in my life as well.

Here are a few things I would suggest, or think that you should think about:

1. Be aware of when fights start.  In my case, I realized in one relationship that fights always started after midnight, so I made it a rule to either a) go to bed earlier or b) completely avoid and shut down any arguments that started after midnight.  Otherwise we would fight, then make up, and I would be tired and still feeling bad the next day.

They start at any time of the day normally. But also whenever he is hungry or tired he has the patience the size of a peanut. He is always annoyed at me whenever he is hungry or tired. If i take him out shopping, he whines and acts annoyed after 30 minutes. Like we went to a store cuz we needed a tv, and he was hungry and tired, so he started whining to go home, and i walked slowly the 10 meter long row, looking at stuff on the way to him, then he  screamed and accused me of deliberately trying to piss him off. And even after having eaten, he refused to believe that i wasn't trying to piss him off. Every time we go out somewhere, he gets tired after 30 minutes and starts whining like a child, expressing his displeasure and annoyance and desire to go home. We barely ever go anywhere. I asked him repeatedly to try and control himself and not whine and act all super annoyed, but he does it every time we go anywhere where it wasnt his idea to go.

2. Your husband is clueless.  He may or may not be a bad person, however, he clearly does not know how to treat a woman and have a long-term relationship with her.  He can learn, but it is better if he learns from someone other than you.  What I mean is, he needs to see how a good relationship is by having friends or family with a good relationship, then when he observes how they act and how they react to issues, he will have a mental model of what to do.

His longest term relationship with a woman before me was like 2 months..
 

3. How many friends do you have that are "your" friends?  How many friends does he have?  And, do you have friends in common?  Having friends is important - if you don't have any where you are, you need to work at making new friends.  It is difficult at first if you have a little shyness, or think "why would anyone want to be friends with ME?" - but just work at it like you worked at learning a new language and you will have success.

 
I dont have any friends, neither does he. all we have is online friends, and sometimes very rarely we meet some of them in real life.

4. Take up a hobby you enjoy and work hard at it!  It will give you a better sense of yourself and the mastery of this hobby will demonstrate to you and others in a real way, that you have value and talent.

All my energy is consumed by studying and commuting to the university for 3 hrs a day, not much energy left for anything else. In the summer i'm studying as well, but other things. Besides all the things i want for a hobby, like going for a hike somewhere, hubby doesn't wanna do, and i dont have anyone else to do it with. Suppose thats an opportunity to make some friends... but.. i've been in contact with 3 million people since i've moved here and i havent made a single friend. I must not be a very friendable material...  I dont make the effort to become someones friend, and neither do they to become mine. This girl i met very recently at my summer french course, super nice girl, i could easily see being friends with her. But when we are together, she is always the one talking non-stop, and that seems the only type of person i can be friends with, because i never say anything unless somebody explicitly asks me, so im just silent and listening 99% of the time.

 
5. If you want to remain married to this man, recognize that it will be a long and tough road for both of you.  And also recognize that if you leave, you will also have problems.  Ignore those people who want to tell you that if you just do X, all your problems will be solved.

6.  Look clearly and rationally at both your family background, and his.  You will see that there are patterns that repeat, both you and he must work at overcoming bad patterns that have been "baked" into your personality , AND, you must encourage the good behaviors that you have both learned.

Im not sure what these patterns are, that have been baked... I am devoting a lot of energy into NOT acting like my mom though.. Not that i ever wanna act like her... But i make extra effort to be sure not to do anything she might have done


 

7. Finally beware of "avoidance" behavior where you are more focused on avoiding bad things, than on moving forward, towards good things.  It can be a trap, that will keep you from being able to be happy.  Like a woman who is an accomplished dressmaker who is always critical of other people's dresses, rather than enjoying the party she is at.

Like what good things?

[Aloe]

Recent developments, hubby stopped listening to music altogether, and is very pleasant and loving, as usual. He is usually very pleasant and loving, except when we argue. Question is, does one's true nature show in their worst moments, or during 99% of the rest of the time?

[Aloe]

And thanks to someone for suggesting im whoring my way to a 'green card' here. I am being married here, thankyouverymuch. And trying to figure it out, if this marriage has a future, and is it a happy future, or not. And if my hubby's behavior is normal, which based on the last few pages seems 50/50 chance of happening.

[Aloe]

Aloe, you need to tell everything to your parents! First of all they deserve to know (I am a mother of two adult boys), next- the more people know about your problem, the better. It is just not fair for your mom to not know what's going on. Pick up the phone and talk to your mom and dad.

I don't know Doll. My mom has spent the last 20 years not leaving the house, and having(suffering from?) a very very stormy relationship. She does not strike me qualified enough to offer relationship advice. And she is gonna push her opinion down my throat. Repeatedly. Over and over again. No matter if you ask her to stop. And that would poison my communication with her. That's why i'm not telling. It took her 3 years to stop telling me how unattractive i look with my new haircut, and how i should go back to the haircut she gave me 21 years long.

[Aloe]

Since you've asked I will give you my thoughts. You state how wonderful your husband is when you two are not arguing; classic abuser/battered spouse behavior (him) and mentality (you). Think about it for a second. The guy had you walking in the cold so he can sleep an extra 10 or 15 miniutes. He plays music every evening he knows you hate. I'm sure there's more examples you've shared, those are just two that come quickly to mind. Wonderful? Not how I would treat someone I care for let alone the most important person in my life.
Step back and look at yourself and your situation for a minute. You're young, you have no children whose welfare you have to consider. You're intellegent and seem to have a great sense of humor. You haven't posted any pictures but I'll assume you're somewhat attractive. Hello! a good life and happiness are your's for the taking. Now at the moment you're probably clinicaly depressed and see this guy as good as it gets and you'll never do better. You feel this marriage was your shot at happiness with a wonderful guy. Forgive my "french" but Bull Sh*t. Narcotic addicts will tell you the first time or two they used it was like being in heaven. But after that first couple of times they could never reach that same feeling and they spend the next x number of years chasing a feeling they never atain. You had a brief time "heaven" with with someone you thought was a truly wonderful. I would suggest you not spend the next x number of years chasing a feeling with this person that you will never atain.
While it sucks to go home with your tail between your legs IMHO you're best option is to push the reset button and do just that. You're worried about telling your mom what's going on because of the reaction she will have. You're maintaining an illusion for her. Sure she's not going to like the guy who assaulted her daughter. And what? I'd be a little concerned if your family were a bunch of gangsters and the guy was likley to go missing but short of that where's the benifit in maintaining pretenses?
Take some time, and start over again my dear. Most of us here have had relationships that ended and we've pushed the reset button and started over. For most it was somewhat painful. That's life, it's not a pain free experience. Many of us are much happier than we were. The advantage you have over most of us is you're 15 to 20 or more years younger than we are. At the moment you're stuck in a rain storm but there will be many sunny days ahead.
Brian

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.


We did settle the matter that whoever leaves the house first, can take the car. (i only take it to the train station, 15 minute walk away). And he stopped listening to music.


So are you saying, there are wonderful guys out there who would be interested in me? I believe it's true, i really do. What i also believe is that chances that i will run into the guy and that he is available and i am available at the time of my running into him, are very very very very very small.


I dont wanna go home.. Home i had nothing, no life., i was just sitting home, playing video games, surfing the net and wasting money. Here i learned the local language (Dutch, virtually useless in any other part of the world, with only 28 million speakers) and finished 1st year of university...  I will go home only in case of emergency... Not to mention, home my mom annoys the hell out of me by turning on the tv way too loud every day, all the time, so i hear it clearly in my room, and in the morning when i try to sleep it wont let me. I cant stand being constantly exposed to verbal trash, pouring into my mind without a stop, starting early morning and going on all day long; and not having anywhere to hide from it.

[pitbull]

They start at any time of the day normally. But also whenever he is hungry or tired he has the patience the size of a peanut. He is always annoyed at me whenever he is hungry or tired. If i take him out shopping, he whines and acts annoyed after 30 minutes. Like we went to a store cuz we needed a tv, and he was hungry and tired, so he started whining to go home, and i walked slowly the 10 meter long row, looking at stuff on the way to him, then he  screamed and accused me of deliberately trying to piss him off. And even after having eaten, he refused to believe that i wasn't trying to piss him off. Every time we go out somewhere, he gets tired after 30 minutes and starts whining like a child, expressing his displeasure and annoyance and desire to go home. We barely ever go anywhere. I asked him repeatedly to try and control himself and not whine and act all super annoyed, but he does it every time we go anywhere where it wasnt his idea to go.


 
His longest term relationship with a woman before me was like 2 months..
   
I dont have any friends, neither does he. all we have is online friends, and sometimes very rarely we meet some of them in real life. 
All my energy is consumed by studying and commuting to the university for 3 hrs a day, not much energy left for anything else. In the summer i'm studying as well, but other things. Besides all the things i want for a hobby, like going for a hike somewhere, hubby doesn't wanna do, and i dont have anyone else to do it with. Suppose thats an opportunity to make some friends... but.. i've been in contact with 3 million people since i've moved here and i havent made a single friend. I must not be a very friendable material...  I dont make the effort to become someones friend, and neither do they to become mine. This girl i met very recently at my summer french course, super nice girl, i could easily see being friends with her. But when we are together, she is always the one talking non-stop, and that seems the only type of person i can be friends with, because i never say anything unless somebody explicitly asks me, so im just silent and listening 99% of the time. 
Im not sure what these patterns are, that have been baked... I am devoting a lot of energy into NOT acting like my mom though.. Not that i ever wanna act like her... But i make extra effort to be sure not to do anything she might have done


 

Like what good things?

Aloe,
Just like everyone on RWD, I do like you.
 
However, having read your several threads in recent years, my opinion is that the hubby is the least of your problems.
You need to fix yourself , forget about the hubby.

Not a doctor at all, but anti-depressants might be the first step. Have you tried those?
 

[Aloe]

Bascially, only in the resources sector - sure, a young attractive, wow, add foreign just to make it juicy, woman can earn plenty of money around a mining camp, go figure. Aloe, such places are not for you.
 This is not entirely correct - you require a sponsor, if you were serious, I'd be looking for #457 temporary work visa options first and work from there.

Not true, if i may believe someone who's down under in the outback right now. He is working as a kitchen hand, and his gf as a waitress in a resort in the outback. They get 20 AUD an hour, they are provided a cheap room to stay in, and meals 3 times a day free of charge. Because the government makes the businesses in the outback provide all that. And he says they found their jobs after sending 1 email, while still being in America.  I have no reason to mistrust him. According to him and to one blog, it's really easy to find a job like that in hospitality sector in the outback, and that they all provide food and lodging, so you can save almost all of your income.

[Aloe]

Aloe,
Just like everyone on RWD, I do like you.
 
However, having read your several threads in recent years, my opinion is that the hubby is the least of your problems.
You need to fix yourself , forget about the hubby.

Not a doctor at all, but anti-depressants might be the first step. Have you tried those?

I suspected as much, but i have so many issues and no clue as to how to even begin to resolve them. No i haven't tried anti-depressants. Maybe i should. They aren't addictive, are they?

[Spoon]

They start at any time of the day normally. But also whenever he is hungry or tired he has the patience the size of a peanut. He is always annoyed at me whenever he is hungry or tired. If i take him out shopping, he whines and acts annoyed after 30 minutes. Like we went to a store cuz we needed a tv, and he was hungry and tired, so he started whining to go home, and i walked slowly the 10 meter long row, looking at stuff on the way to him, then he  screamed and accused me of deliberately trying to piss him off. And even after having eaten, he refused to believe that i wasn't trying to piss him off. Every time we go out somewhere, he gets tired after 30 minutes and starts whining like a child, expressing his displeasure and annoyance and desire to go home. We barely ever go anywhere. I asked him repeatedly to try and control himself and not whine and act all super annoyed, but he does it every time we go anywhere where it wasnt his idea to go.


 

Aloe, when I read the above, all I had in my head was an image, not of a husband and wife out shopping.....but of a mother with a 4 year old who is throwing a tantrum!!

I know couple, both work and the husband is the same....always tired and wanting to just go home and sometimes when they come over for dinner (I know how it will go, every time a coconut!) he's yawning straight away, all tired etc. and when he's like that he is so freakin grumpy, puts his wife down - even having a little argument in front of us, and his most used line is to tell his wife "to shut the f*** up!)

I often wonder if they behave like that in company - what is it like behind closed doors. Yet other times I've dropped in, they are good as gold, nice to each other.

I do think, Aloe, that you are placing too much of the blame for the bad times on yourself (easy to do, if your self esteem is low) it seems like hubby's lack of respect and probably his own low self esteem is equally, if not more to blame.

May I suggest you continue with your counseling, if it's not cost prohibitive. Seek advice from a doctor also, as you may need some medication (anti depressants) to just give you that push back up to 'normal operating level'

If you are not keen on med's, then look into NLP cd's (Neuro Linguistic Programming) can be very beneficial to increase your sense of self worth and give you a bit of motivation, and it's something you can do for thirty minutes a day, when hubby's not there. Just a thought.

Glad to hear that things are better, a good idea perhaps while hubby is in a good mood, is to sit down and have that 'heart to heart' talk - to see how he is feeling about the relationship - I mean, perhaps he has issues he wants to vent and lack of friends is causing it to build up until he vents on the only person he knows - you! Give him the chance to do it in a rational and civilized manner and see what eventuates.

Wish you all best

[Spoon]

Not true, if i may believe someone who's down under in the outback right now. He is working as a kitchen hand, and his gf as a waitress in a resort in the outback. They get 20 AUD an hour, they are provided a cheap room to stay in, and meals 3 times a day free of charge. Because the government makes the businesses in the outback provide all that. And he says they found their jobs after sending 1 email, while still being in America.  I have no reason to mistrust him. According to him and to one blog, it's really easy to find a job like that in hospitality sector in the outback, and that they all provide food and lodging, so you can save almost all of your income.

Yes I/O was telling a bit of an urban myth is his post Aloe.

I work in rural WA (Western Australia) in the mining industry - we are crying out for skilled people in all  areas, and the wage statistics are all true (in fact $20 per hour is low around here!) There are people here who work in the camps (and they are nice camps - swimming pools, gyms, food halls, your own room with ensuite and sat tv, free wifi etc) Even kitchen hands or cleaners would be on close to $100K p.a gross.

My Russian wife came here for a week to see what it was all about, but decided it wasn't for her, she needed the cosmopolitan lifestyle (you know, shoe shops I guess ) so she lives in Perth and has found herself a good $100K job in the city...so yes, its possible. (The 'one email from overseas, and you're hired' is a little hard to buy)

A good mix is what we call a FIFO (fly in fly out) job, whereby you live in the city and you get flown into site (on a proper jet, not some small thing) and you work, say 8 days (and stay/live/sleep at the camp) - then you are flown back to Perth for your break which is usually 6 days off and that is how your roster goes

At the moment, I live in a small town, in a house (company pays most of the rent) and I fly myself down to Perth, but I am looking for one of those FIFO jobs myself so I can save on the airfares

Look at the Australian immigration website and see what options are available for work visa's - that would be the hard part, if at any stage you get serious about the idea, PM me. My wife and I would only be too happy to help - I've done it for a few couples now, put them up, helped them find jobs etc.

ps. A lot of Women do work on minesites - everything from driving the big trucks, to administration, working at the airports, kitchens, cleaners, the Manager for our entire Minesite for 2 years was a Woman

[fathertime]

Thank you everyone for your replies and compassion. It isn't as bad as some people see it though.. Like i said, when we dont argue, we get along wonderfully.. Joking and laughing a lot and hugging a lot and stuff. But someone said something that made me think. Made me wonder, do i respect him, and does he respect me? Difficult question. How do you find out the answer?

Hi aloe, perhaps you are referring to my comment on respect in post 194 on this thread. 


I am pretty new here so I don't know your history, but based on what I've seen in your recent writings, it appears to me that you don't have much respect for your husband and that is a harbinger of doom damn near 100% of the time.  As a husband myself, I would rather have respect than be liked by my wife, ideally I want both, but respect is absolutely critical. 
Why don't you respect your husband?  Hard to say, but perhaps you don't respect yourself enough?  Are you doing what you want to do with your life?  Are you expanding your horizons?  Are you becoming the person you want to be, or are you going to start hating yourself for what you have become?  Just some things to think about.  I wish you peace of mind, but you have to make that happen!


Fathertime! 

[pitbull]

I suspected as much, but i have so many issues and no clue as to how to even begin to resolve them. No i haven't tried anti-depressants. Maybe i should. They aren't addictive, are they?

I don't know about AD, never tried them. I know people that found those very helpful though.
Aloe, who do you talk to? I understand you don't have very close girlfriends (the most common form of therapy for FSUW  ), you don't confide in your mother. Do you talk to your husband like you talk to us on RWD? Have you discussed all those issues, and how you feel about yourself and life, and your family history with him? Is your husband truly your best friend?
From your several threads, what bothers me most is that you seem to completely lack the drive that a young girl your age should normally have. This is the age that you don't have responsibilities (like kids or caring for aging parents) yet, you should truly enjoy life for yourself together with your husband and work towards your goals. At least enjoy life. This is the natural age and situation to be optimistic. Correct me if I am wrong but it seems like you were this same way (no drive) way before you met your husband.
 
 

[Shadow]

Aloe regarding your anger, the problem is that you are someone with a very high self-control. Having suffered from something similar (some guys here can confirm that I am also usually silent more than speaking) I know that keeping your anger inside is not a good thing.
This is why I suggested that in a fight you let go of those name-calling words instead of making a point of anything.

At the same time your hubby has the problem that he never had to grow up. Before marriage he had his mother cater his needs, and in a way you just took her place. He needs to learn that taking care of basic needs and providing more than just money (and some indoor fun) is his responsibility.

On the other hand understand that working a full day is different from university, and makes you more tired.  To come home and be sent out 20 times for things needed can make a guy grumpy.

[LiveFromUkraine]

I suspected as much, but i have so many issues and no clue as to how to even begin to resolve them. No i haven't tried anti-depressants. Maybe i should. They aren't addictive, are they?

There are side effects when you initially take them and withdrawals when you stop taking them.  It can last from weeks to a month. 

There are things you can do naturally that may help without the anti depressants.

I was diagnosed with depression quite awhile ago.  I did the anti depressants and I didn't like the feeling on them.  It was almost like a numbness.

I have found exercising (for me the major difference happened when I started weight lifting) to keep me in a good frame of mind. 

Being around other people helps a lot even if your instinct is to stay away from everyone.

For me, I realized I was craving huge amounts of chocolate before an episode of depression would hit me.  When that happens now, I hit the weights and it knocks out the craving and no depression.  Since I am pretty consistent in the gym, I haven't had any craving like that or depression episodes.

[Doll]

    This is the age that you don't have responsibilities (like kids or caring for aging parents) yet, you should truly enjoy life for yourself together with your husband and work towards your goals. At least enjoy life. This is the natural age and situation to be optimistic. Correct me if I am wrong but it seems like you were this same way (no drive) way before you met your husband.

She was this way before, I think. After I read about Aloe's mother behavior I am pretty sure Aloe was depressed before. It's probably the reason her husband chose her)).
Pit, you're right- the girl "should enjoy life" but she isn't! She just can't!

[Gator]

I don't know Doll. My mom has spent the last 20 years not leaving the house, and having(suffering from?) a very very stormy relationship. She does not strike me qualified enough to offer relationship advice. And she is gonna push her opinion down my throat. Repeatedly. Over and over again. No matter if you ask her to stop. And that would poison my communication with her. That's why i'm not telling. It took her 3 years to stop telling me how unattractive i look with my new haircut, and how i should go back to the haircut she gave me 21 years long.

My ex-wife (AW) had clinical depression which she inherited from her mother (yes, it can be inherited).  What you described about your mother sounds just like her mother.   My ex-wife's mother had a severe case of agoraphobia and was eventually institutionalized for a few years.
 
Did you inherit clinical depression from your mother?  The fact that your psychologist has not recommended antidepressants indicates she believes something else is predominant.
 
Even if you do not have depression, keep in mind that those living with a depressed person (spouse or parent) for years and years develop symptoms that are similar to depression.  I belong to the "been there, done that" club (I was diagnosed by an eminent psychiatrist). 
 
These symptoms do not disappear quickly, but they will eventually via separation.  So, you are correct about not returning to Russia and living with your mama.  Taking antidepressants is ill-advised too if this is your situation.  My psychiatrist prescribed a trial for me, and quickly took me off them when I started behaving like a zombie.  That was a solid clue about my true condition.
 
While separation from your mama is good, I am not sure it was good to move to a strange country and live with a stranger who seemingly has low respect for your feelings (frying pan to the fire).
 
Keep talking with your psychologist.   

[BillyB]

Anyway, i did let him know several times before this that i hate this music, to which he turned down the volume, but still i  always had to listen to it every evening.

He compromised with you but you insist he never listen to the music at all. Earplugs or headphones are additional solutions.
 

I also realized that in our old arguments, often he would just be silent and ignore me for 4 hours. That drove me really crazy, cuz i passionately hate being ignored. So those times i told him after those arguments to stop ignoring me, and he stopped doing it. So now i realized my mistake and this time i told him to just ignore me and stonewall all he wants, like he used to, if he feels that he's gonna get physical.

Men can hurt women by physical means, but women can hurt men with words. You want to continue talking and he wants to cool down. If you don't let him cool down, he can snap. Anybody can snap.
 

They start at any time of the day normally. But also whenever he is hungry or tired he has the patience the size of a peanut. He is always annoyed at me whenever he is hungry or tired. If i take him out shopping, he whines and acts annoyed after 30 minutes. Like we went to a store cuz we needed a tv, and he was hungry and tired, so he started whining to go home, and i walked slowly the 10 meter long row, looking at stuff on the way to him, then he  screamed and accused me of deliberately trying to piss him off. And even after having eaten, he refused to believe that i wasn't trying to piss him off. Every time we go out somewhere, he gets tired after 30 minutes and starts whining like a child, expressing his displeasure and annoyance and desire to go home. We barely ever go anywhere. I asked him repeatedly to try and control himself and not whine and act all super annoyed, but he does it every time we go anywhere where it wasnt his idea to go.

Ever heard the way to a man's heart is through his stomach? Why is your husband hungry? Bad wife! Never let him leave the house hungry. Husband comes home from work tired and hungry then wife takes him shopping for non emergency items while neglecting his needs, I understand why husband thinks wife is trying to piss him off.

When your husband comes home, have food ready for him on time. He goes to work on time doesn't he? Thats called being responsible and by being responsible it feeds you, clothes you, and sends you through college.
 
When your husband comes home, do not grab him to go shopping, hand him a bag of garbage, or bring up a complaint. Hug him, kiss him, feed him, let him relax. I tell my wife she'll get more out of me with sugar than sh!t.
 
Your husband reacts to certain situations in immature ways. I don't agree with most people he's a violent person, just immature and doesn't know how to react. Some guys here wonder why RW will consider an older man. Your husband is an example why. RW don't want to put up with the BS from being married to a child. You've had disputes regarding music, money, house chores, etc... You voiced your thoughts about your husband here repeatedly and people have bashed your husband for it. Are you happy or proud they're doing this to a man who is the only one guy feeding, clothing, and paying for your education? Nobody here has done anything for you.
 
Your husband may have a hard time telling you he loves you but you begin neglect him in ways you don't understand and he begins neglecting you in ways you don't understand, the house begins to fall apart. If my wife spends too much time on the computer or she's mentions I spend too much time doing something alone, I tell her lets go for a walk or do another activity together. Your husband currently prefers to relax alone with his music after work instead of with you. I told you in the past your husband is immature and won't be able to fix the problems so you need to be the teacher and take the first steps. You're depressed, he's depressed. Cry me a river. Crying solves nothing. Your move Aloe so take action and fix it.
 
Do you want to be a good wife or just an average one? Tell your husband you appreciate him working and taking care of you. Take care of your husband in return. Sit with him, cuddle with him, rub your finger through his hair. I seriously doubt he will want to choke you at this time. Remember, give sugar, not sh!t and you will get more in return and possilbly the results you want from him.
 
Divorce? I don't agree with the calls for divorce. Are you religious or believe in God? If so, let no man separate what God put together, your marriage. Only 3 reasons for divorce. Abuse, abandonment, or adultry. You feel a tiny bit of physical abuse and your husband will claim he's mentally abused. Not enough for divorce. It seems your husband likes time alone listening to music and you have your alone time. Not exactly abandonment but could lead there if both of you neglect each others needs.
 

[LAman]

Also how to get rid of anger? I have come to realize i am very very angry deep down, not sure at who, and i never show it. It is all bottled up and i feel it makes me sick. I tried beating up the couch with a pillow, but that doesn't help anything.

Simple, you don't.....  but
Knowledge is keen!!! What is valuable to know is steps into why you get angryand understand the process. In short, you have some/many unresolved issues, either with yourself or with your hubby or within both of you. They just sit and muster. They grow into hurt in the mind, with things another person does that annoy you. As time goes on an issues remain, they turn into anger and this is where major problems crop up, harder to deal with them at this point. Phychologists should be able to help you focus in on the unresloved issues. If hubby cares, he too should be with you........
It is too bad you don't have a hubby that is willing/able to help you or give you moral support....you are all on your own and shows in your lack of self esteem and what you want in life. What good is a marriage if not both people all in? Yes you and hubby have mostly of good times but in back of mind anything can trigger an agruement...like walking on egg shells!!! Hope you gives you some  food for thought.....

[TheTraveler]

 
a really great post, billy.
 
from reading aloe's posts (and her husband's), i've come to the conclusion that they really do deserve each other.  and after all... if they were to split up and each remarry, then there'd be four unhappy people instead of two, so it's better that they try to fix what they once committed to.