Share your experience plz

[Aloe]

So sorry to make another topic, i feel almost guilty of littering. But i don't think it belongs in the previous topic...
Anyway, i have a few questions...


Lately i have been analyzing my feelings a lot, well ok not lately, i do it a lot all the time. Maybe too much? But anyway, i have come to the conclusion that i feel neglected. And that one of fundamental differences between me and hubby is that i have an insatiable curiosity for everything, always wanting to go and see some place, and try something new, and so on, but hubby doesn't. He just wants to stay home and play his game. And when i ask him if he thinks it's normal, just wanting to play his game, every day, many hours, he said he likes the game and he likes being the way he is, so he doesn't want to change any of it. Question one, which of course nobody here can answer, is is this a deal-breaker, this difference in us? Did somebody have a similar personal experience they don't mind sharing? When one person is interested in everything, and the other isn't, and how did it end.. I am wondering if i will become dull and disinterested in everything if this will go on, or if i will just go and explore things on my own while hubby sits at home, and would any of these scenarios work and make for a happy relationship? When one has to go by themselves, or just give up the interest altogether.


And as far as feeling neglected is concerned, i dunno what to do about it. I told hubby i feel neglected. He brushed it off saying that you feel neglected every day. So i said, but if i feel this way every day, then isn't that an indicator that something is missing for me? He says he made an effort last weekend to make me feel less neglected, that he came and watched tv with me instead of going to bed, but i didnt notice any efforts. I dont think watching tv together satisfies my need for interaction with each other. So question is, what to do to feel less neglected?


He always comes home, we eat and then he plays his game all evening, and occasionally we watch tv. And when i ask him for some time, he can hold his attention for 7 minutes at best, then he gets restless and goes back to his game or tv. It is really frustrating for me, that he can't stay with me longer than 7 minutes. He said i dont make it fun for him. How can i make it fun for him? We don't have anything to talk about, except the stupid game that im starting to hate... But will i ever have anything to talk about with anyone? All i learn at school is boring linguistic stuff, wouldn't wanna talk about it with anyone anyway, even if he knew what i'm talking about. And i don't have time to learn much of anything else. I'm hoping it will change once im out of school, then i will actually have the time and energy to read non-school related books. Im hoping then ill have something to talk about.


What do you talk about to your spouse? And what do you do to interact with each other??

[Shadow]

We actually both sit and play games....

[Aloe]

We actually both sit and play games....

I used to do that too, when i was younger i played 16 hours a day, that was all i did. That's how we met, in the game, that he still is playing to this day. But i'm growing sick of it.

[Aloe]

If someone doesn't mind sharing their thoughts and experiences, but doesn't wanna do it publicly, please send a PM

[Eduard]

It's very rare when you find all the qualities and same interests in your spouse that you want them to have. I think it's OK to have different interests with your spouse, and to have  friends who share your interests. However you do need to have at least some interests and things in common (besides common values, goals and good chemistry) with your spouse to make for a happy marriage IMO. It might help you feel better about your relationship if you and your husband would make an effort to find some things to do together that both would enjoy: i.e. working out, playing tennis or ping-pong, going for bike rides together, take dancing classes together, go canoeing together, etc.

[Muzh]

You should go out and explore. Ask your hubby to tag along. If he doesn't want to, go by yourself.

See what's out there. Don't wilt within 4 walls.

Maybe some day he will join you.

Or maybe some day you will find the person who will share your same curiosity.

But, don't spend your time waiting for him.

[BC]

What happens when you try to lure him away from his game with sex?

If that does not work he probably addicted and won't stop until he is either totally burnt out on the game or something snaps him out of it.

If it does work,  just keep at it...  At least you will be getting some attention.

If not, ry this.....

When he starts gaming, assuming he uses the TV, boot your laptop and start watching porn, even if you don't like watching porn.  This might grab his attention.  If he objects,  just tell him that you need 'something' too....

[Aloe]

What happens when you try to lure him away from his game with sex?

If that does not work he probably addicted and won't stop until he is either totally burnt out on the game or something snaps him out of it.

If it does work,  just keep at it...  At least you will be getting some attention.

If not, ry this.....

When he starts gaming, assuming he uses the TV, boot your laptop and start watching porn, even if you don't like watching porn.  This might grab his attention.  If he objects,  just tell him that you need 'something' too....

Not gonna work. It's a game where you cooperate with other people. And hubby plays a healer, so if he doesn't pay attention for 3 seconds, someone will die. For that reason it is nearly impossible to get him to even glance away from the screen for 1 second. I walk around naked a lot, he never looks. Not to mention he gets instantly annoyed if i try to distract him.

[BC]

ok then porn him to death like he games you to death...  That might shock him a bit.

Otherwise you'll just have to accept that his game is more important than you.... -and you can make your choices from there.

[Faux Pas]

You should go out and explore. Ask your hubby to tag along. If he doesn't want to, go by yourself.

See what's out there. Don't wilt within 4 walls.

Maybe some day he will join you.

Or maybe some day you will find the person who will share your same curiosity.

But, don't spend your time waiting for him.

+1

This was my thought before I even got to reading Muzh post.

It's not up to you to "make" anything fun for him or him for you. If he doesn't share your enthusiasm for what interests you or for something other than the games. Go without him. Neither of you can change the other. Trying to will only drive you further apart.

[GoodOlBoy]

Aloe, I totally disagree about the suggested sex/porno thingy.
 
I have already advised you on this and I know it is none of my business, but please don't ever think about having a child(ren) with this man.
 
It really would be the biggest mistake of your life and the child's.
 
As far as wifey and I go, we are really 2 different animals.
 
After a long day of crunching numbers (she is a Controller), she likes to come home and have a glass of wine, read a book or watch a Russian movie and rest for the evening.
 
I respect her "quiet time".
 
However, on the weekends it is a completely different deal.
 
We walk a lot together on the beach early on weekend mornings (I beach jog every morning on the weekdays), we ride our bicycles quite a bit, we shoot pool together (we have our own custom sticks). If I am changing the oil on the car (especially her Honda  ) or doing some kind of maintenance she is right there with me. She will crawl under the car with me and ask a lot of questions about everything!   

We both enjoy going to the rifle/pistol range.
 
If I go down to the beach to fish on the weekend (evenings), 9 out of 10 times she will go with me and catch some fish to!  
 
She is also VERY curious about everything Aloe.
 
I really wish I knew what to tell you.
 
You seem very unhappy and it is really a shame to waste your youth and beauty.
 
I know, it's none of my business and it is your choice to do so.
 
I'm just saying........
 
GOB
 

[BC]

Aloe,

I was just reading some of your posts and the thought hit me that your English is in essence very, very good.  Your points come across almost flawlessly.  If you are taking courses, it obviously works.. If not taking a good high level grammar course would perfect your skills to a very marketable level.

[Daveman]

Not gonna work. It's a game where you cooperate with other people. And hubby plays a healer, so if he doesn't pay attention for 3 seconds, someone will die. For that reason it is nearly impossible to get him to even glance away from the screen for 1 second. I walk around naked a lot, he never looks. Not to mention he gets instantly annoyed if i try to distract him.

Seems to me that in the fantasy land of "the game", your hubby feels empowered, relevant, important, etc. Something of which he probably doesn't get much from reality.  The game is fulfilling needs - usually a triad of sorts.  That's the root/force/impetus of any addiction/obsession.

If you really want to get to the bottom of it, then become a detective. Try to isolate exactly what needs the game is actually delivering as it is obviously much deeper than 'entertainment value'. 

If you want to change the situation (not the person) then discovering exactly what makes him tick is the first step.  Few people, men or women, actually take the initiative to understand the underlying needs/forces which drive *themselves* much less their partners.  You're a very intelligent lady, have a great sense of humor, seem like you'd be a TON of fun... And quite pretty too.  Just sayin'.  But, what *really* makes you tick?  and can that be overlapped with what *really* makes him tick?  Therein lies the answer to your marital enigma.

To feel "neglected" is really not a good label because the label itself throws blame and 'focus' onto something/someone outside yourself.  Deal with more positive actionable labels for the emotions.  "Boredom", "Isolation", etc, these are empowering concepts which send the control over yourself back where it belongs - with yourself.  When you feel 'neglected', you automatically transfer power over yourself to outside yourself.  Feeling  'bored', 'lonely' or 'disconnected' have more obvious paths with less blame associated. They're all nothing more than labels associated with the same feeling -- uhhh -- "bad".

So yeah, it's your life, you are the Captain of the Vessel.  Advice and ideas about/from others' experiences are cool, and some excellent suggestions already... at the end of the day though, it's all about what YOU DO which will affect how you feel.

Ahhhh, and that's my babbleblather for the day...

[Brillynt]

Aloe, it sounds like your hubby is in a hardcore raiding guild.  Hardcore raiding and being happily married do not to mix very well, because of the amount of time that is required for the game.  And it does sound like your hubby wants to spend more time online with friends instead of with you.  It seems like your hubby got married so that he would be able to have a sex when he wants, instead of being the typical gamer that has no wife or girlfriend. He is making that choice to ignore you.  You need to make a choice if that is acceptable to you or not.

[Dave13]

If you do things together it builds your relationship, my wife and myself both enjoy travel, hitting the gym and enjoying the outdoors.  It does appear that your husband is neglecting you to play online games, why?  Your partner should consider your feelings if not you have a serious problem.

[Olly]

Aloe, just find a job. This is my advise. And you will get a real life, new experience, new friends, new themes for discussions with your husband. I have been the housewife. It was terrible, it made me silly. Sex and borsch are not enough for good relationship. 

[ML]

Old joke may apply:

Newly married man:  Honey, 3 nights a week I intend to  go out with  the guys to do guy things.

Wife:  OK, do what you want.  But I plan to have sex every night starting at 8 PM whether you are here or not.

- - - -

So, if you (or any woman) feel you aren't getting enough affection . . .
just tell your guy you are going into the bedroom (or any room) and starting sex.
I can almost guarantee the man will soon come to look at least.

[Gator]

Aloe,
 
Your hubby is finding a fantasy computer game more fulfilling than a real relationship with a woman who loves him.  Sick!
 
You impress me in these posts as an interesting, lively woman.   I bet many men would find you stimulating.   Yet he chooses "make believe"  games rather than you.  It is not just you.  Besides you in his life he has his work, his parents, friends, social activities, hobbies, etc.  Are these not stimulating to him?
 
Again you give us tangible evidence that your hubby is not normal and for sure is not compatible with you. 
 
You say he plays the role of "healer" in his game.  Have you told him that rather than healing players in his game, he should heal the love relationship  in his life?

[Gator]

Aloe,
 
I have a new word for you.  Tell hubby you are exhaustipated.  It means that you are so tired of him that you don't give a shit anymore. 

[Daveman]

Aloe,
 
I have a new word for you.  Tell hubby you are exhaustipated. It means that you are so tired of him that you don't give a shit anymore. 

 

Status: stolen for personal usage...

[Jumper]

Hey aloe!
I remembered that you met hubby through the game, so its a bit natural that both of you being very *into* the game at one point in time,
won't ultimately find it boring or burn out on it at the same moment in time?
Now just how long his fascination/ obsession with it drags out (past your own) is a question that is effecting your relationship together.
I think he is fairly immature and selfish, and stated that before.Not sure what will turn that around.
But i'll give you a view from the other side? That wont provide answers, but maybe some insight?
At his age, I was completely consumed with my hobby,  and it was my occupation as well
I lived,breathed ,ate and slept with it foremost in my mind,.driven wouldn't exactly cover it.
I'd say obsession,  as it tends to define who you are, you cant be competitive in it without being 100% committed and training every day.It effects diet and everything imaginable.As well as willing to sacrifice health , and relationships.
I did have relationships in that time, it did cause for some big problems.I guess one difference i see is i knew that going in to any relationship,
  and was always absolutely up front with girls where my priorities lay at that time.
Despite being up front, the longer a relationship lasts, the more the other person is going to feel ignored or isolated in this kind of *one way street* scenario.
I tried to equal things out , by doing things they liked to do when we could..
but the time my work/hobby  consumed dint leave much for anything else, or anyone else in life.Eventually ,even making an big  effort, its going to be seen as not enough or lopsided.
Its a very hard tight rope to walk. (I suppose I  still walk it,just not at the same level)

Faced with an angry and hurt  gf at one time,
I  said "when did i become the frekkin entertainment committee? it is not my fault you don't have interesting hobbies or other interests?  or your own friends to hang out with when i'm occupied? "
not one of my better moments.. lol  but it was said out of frustration (as she knew me well and my life , before becoming involved and we were together many years)
there was some  truth to what i blurted out, and that probably hurt even more.
No one was going to divert me back then.Yes it crashed and burned a few relationships.. sadly.I was a bit selfish , very driven ,  and one dimensional.
  We talked it out a bit more, she had your exact concerns.I said that yes its better if two people share interests,but pointed out some couples we knew who were quite compatible,yet had no similar interests at all!!
They each did their own things,as individuals,  and seemed happy together despite not really spending that much time with each other.
She sad that's true, but it takes two people who share that personality that dont need much face time.We agreed  that compatibility isn't really about time spent together, or even similar interests.. it's about personalities and the two people in a relationships individual needs on that level.We worked at this the best we could, she needed more face time and agreed to resume (she had stopped) going with me to the events i had always been passionate about.While i agreed to try and step back more, and face the fact that life in that venue wasn't really conducive to a good relationship with most people (only with those who would be fine with limited face to face time) and i had to make more of a concentrated effort to include people i cared about into my life, and more importantly  me into theirs.

I'm not sure hubby is in a position to really look at how easy it would be to repair the relationship, as he doesn't see anything wrong?
I dint either for a long time,but maybe one thing i  did recognize was that i wasn't really suited to be a husband at the moment in time.
If he wants to play that many hours everyday, and have no other interests,
most women wouldn't find him interesting or suitable for a long term relationship.

[mies]

You should go out and explore. Ask your hubby to tag along. If he doesn't want to, go by yourself.

See what's out there. Don't wilt within 4 walls.

Maybe some day he will join you.

Or maybe some day you will find the person who will share your same curiosity.

But, don't spend your time waiting for him.

Fully agree.

[Ade]

Did somebody have a similar personal experience they don't mind sharing? When one person is interested in everything, and the other isn't, and how did it end..

I've mentioned previously that in my late twenties I used to be a bit of a selfish, self centered dickhead too. Not quite as bad as you describe your husband but I had similar tendencies; but no physical aggression stuff with my then wife although more severe arguments than I can remember.


I was a bit of a workaholic, never really wanted to go anywhere (I'd already traveled quite a lot by that time before I'd met my wife and I was tired of it), I was also addicted to an online game and an admin in a few. My ex, like you, wanted to travel and, although we traveled sometimes, it tended to be for family visits rather than holidays to anywhere exotic which we could have easily afforded. And yes, she wanted more of my attention and I, well, didn't.


Even though I loved her, I felt frustrated, I felt the pressure of new relationship responsibilities I wasn't used to, I felt that we really didn't want the same things in life, I felt that I'd got married to soon and I felt that I'd made a monumentally huge mistake; I felt claustrophobic and trapped. I guess those vibes came across and they made her feel incredibly insecure. That's when the jealously stuff started which snowballed into the breakdown, although that was ultimately rooted in buried memories of sexual abuse as a small child and would probably have exhibited themselves sooner or later anyway. Still, it was the stress of our relationship that brought that stuff to the surface when it did so I felt, and still feel, somewhat responsible for that.


My online gaming addiction stopped, probably in year 3 of our relationship, when she threatened to leave if I didn't stop. I got better as a person I think. Tried harder to be there. Had a lot of introspective moments, grew as a person and matured over the years.


But, eventually, all the crap we went through day after day because of the incredibly severe jealousy she had, which got to the point of visual hallucinations, eroded most of the love we had for each other. It got to the point when I realized that our relationship, or more specially, my presence, was driving her deeper into insanity and nothing I did helped in the slightest. Then, all I could do was end it for both our sakes. It took 10 years to get to that point.


No that long after she sought out medical help and after half a decade of psychiatric care and medication she became almost normal. Although some recent events have made me doubt how well she is at the moment. 


Anyway, nothing would have saved us. We weren't right for each other and I knew that quite early. In some ways I didn't end it because I was too cowardly. I was also obsessive about making a commitment, sticking to it and making it work no matter what. Later on, when I knew I should end it, I also felt that she may harm herself if I left, so I kept on trying to fix something that was beyond my means to fix. It turned out that my leaving was the catalyst she needed to get better.


And yes, I did love her, but that's not always enough, you need more than that. We should have called it quits after 2 years at most and as a result we both suffered enormously and wasted at least 13 years of our life if you count the post-relationship recovery time.


Don't make the same mistake. Don't hang on to something which is untenable, which will eventually fail and leave you more scarred.
Of course, if you see potential for growth in your relationship, please don't give up. But don't kid yourself either; you can't force people to change, they can only change themselves if they really want to.

What do you talk about to your spouse? And what do you do to interact with each other??

My current relationship is as different as night and day. I want to be with her and around her. I'm not there just because I feel I should put in the obligatory 30 minutes of "wife time". We talk about everything. Daily boring household stuff, things on TV, the news, discussions on this forum, on her forum, baby stuff family stuff, work. Everything. Last night we spent a couple of hours together trying to finish putting up one of our Elfa wardrobes.


I must admit, our relationship is not as emotionally charged and intense as it was with my first wife, but perhaps this has as much to do with my age now.  Anyway, "hot" passionate relationships are for younger people that can deal with the emotional trauma that comes with the extreme ups and downs of relationships like that. Fighting like crazy one minute and sex the next is no longer for me. 

[Hammer2722]

I entirely agree with the folks who suggest that you just go out and explore. Invite your hubby every time and if he refuses, then go out on your own. Why should you spend all of your time indoors just because your husband is a permanent couch potato! Your too young and attractive to spend your youth in such a way.Who knows, maybe at the very least you may make some friends and god knows you need some at this time. I too also would not recommend having children with this man without some serious counseling!!!

[Aloe]

Thank you everyone, i have read this topic several times. Some good points there. I'll have to think about them.