How to get hubby to get rid of an addiction?

[Aloe]

So, as some here may know, hubby is addicted to one online video game. It makes me sad and miserable, and attention and quality time starved. I hate feeling like this. Bottom line, I want hubby to quit playing. He doesn't wanna. What to do?


An ultimatum will most likely make him feel like he's being blackmailed. Personally, i feel if this addiction of his keeps going, i'll just leave. Sick of this. If i tell him this, he will think this is blackmail, while in fact this is a warning that if things don't change, our relationship is doomed. But he will probably claim this is blackmail. Then he'll be stubborn just cuz he's stubborn and play out of principle. His main argument that he uses in these cases is: "well, if you make me stop playing my game now, where does this stop? Next time you'll try to make me stop talking to my mom or something."


That's a faulty argument but he doesn't see it that way.


So, any ideas how to convince hubby to quit playing without provoking his stubbornness?

[BC]

Aloe,

there is no way to cure an addiction.

He will have to 'hit bottom', and then only maybe will he realize something is wrong.

Hitting bottom may just be you leaving him, maybe not.

IIRC you will have citizenship shortly?

[Aloe]

Aloe,

there is no way to cure an addiction.

He will have to 'hit bottom', and then only maybe will he realize something is wrong.

Hitting bottom may just be you leaving him, maybe not.

IIRC you will have citizenship shortly?

The policeman who came for control said they will consider my citizenship application in November.
Hopefully it is true, cuz on january 1st a new law comes into effect and then im no longer eligible for citizenship unless i lived here for 5 years and worked 2 years full time, which is far removed.

[Shadow]

Beat him in the game.

[Faux Pas]

Aloe,
Addictions most generally will require some professional help. If it is an addiction there will likely be little to nothing in the way of ultimatums from you that will make a difference. Don't insist that he quit but do insist he seek some professional help. Emphasize that it is not normal for a 20 something year old to neglect his wife, life and health in order to play online day and night. Be prepared to leave if he does not at least try to find a solution.

You've mentioned his online activity as a problem much too often to allow it to continue. Addictions are all different roads leading to the same eventual end. I wish you good luck in finding some relief

[Aloe]

Aloe,
Addictions most generally will require some professional help. If it is an addiction there will likely be little to nothing in the way of ultimatums from you that will make a difference. Don't insist that he quit but do insist he seek some professional help. Emphasize that it is not normal for a 20 something year old to neglect his wife, life and health in order to play online day and night. Be prepared to leave if he does not at least try to find a solution.

You've mentioned his online activity as a problem much too often to allow it to continue. Addictions are all different roads leading to the same eventual end. I wish you good luck in finding some relief

It isn't so normal here to seek professional help in such cases. And too expensive.
On the other hand, if he doesnt quit, it will give me an excuse to go and have fun in life, for example go to america for a couple of months, and england for an academic year, and then australia for a work year, and then canada for another work year, and maybe somewhere else. There are 1 year work visas for people under 30. Sigh. Such wonderful adventures, so tempting.

[Aloe]

I finally worked up the courage to tell my parents that my marriage isn't all rosey. They said they will support me financially whatever i decide to do. Such a giant relief.

[Vaughn]

Sounds to me that the real problem is much deeper than the online game. Kudos to you, Aloe - I've always admired how you have the guts to share your troubles here.
 
You already seem to know that any attempt to curtail his time with the game is going to produce confrontation, resentment and argument. Without knowing too much more about your homelife than my fading memory allows, is it not likely that getting him to shut down the game (against his will) might only open up another time-consuming habit of his? One that might also cut deeply into your quality time together?
 
All kinds of novel activities come to mind: cooking classes, dancing lessons, backpacking, evening courses at the local college, a hobby (like photography) that you both could share ~ any of these could help to reduce his time online ~ and create more bonding time for the two of you. Should you meet with resistance, then a more proactive approach - like the travel/study ideas you've mentioned - could be the catalyst you need for change.

[Faux Pas]

It isn't so normal here to seek professional help in such cases. And too expensive.
On the other hand, if he doesnt quit, it will give me an excuse to go and have fun in life, for example go to america for a couple of months, and england for an academic year, and then australia for a work year, and then canada for another work year, and maybe somewhere else. There are 1 year work visas for people under 30. Sigh. Such wonderful adventures, so tempting.

Addictions almost never "fix themselves". As mentioned it takes hitting rock bottom or other life changing circumstance. My advice to you is, don't let his addiction suck the life from you. He's got to see what he's doing to his life and probably won't listen to you. Some professional might be worth it to help him see it.

[LAman]

Aloe, I don't know why you call it an addiction? He prefers his online gaming to being with you. it is just a choice.....it makes him happy and he enjoys it. Does he miss work to play his game? Does he not eat to play his game? Does he miss a lot of sleep to play his game? If not, it is fun for him and it gives him pleasure.
I am sorry you have made a bad choice. Can't change the past, only can control your future. Hope you the best in the nearest future!!

[GoodOlBoy]

I finally worked up the courage to tell my parents that my marriage isn't all rosey. They said they will support me financially whatever i decide to do. Such a giant relief.

Congratulations Aloe. 
 
See, that wasn't so hard to do.
 
Now you need to take the final step (paka).
 
Just my 2 kopecks, but from your descriptions here on RWD of his violent/abusive behavior, I wouldn't confront him if I were you.
 
If you ever get to Miami, you are more than welcome at our place. 
Seriously!
 
GOB
 
PS... Marina and I will fix you one of our world class blue agave Margaritas. 

[LAman]

Congratulations Aloe. 
 
See, that wasn't so hard to do.
 
Now you need to take the final step (paka).
 
Just my 2 kopecks, but from your descriptions here on RWD of his violent/abusive behavior, I wouldn't confront him if I were you.
 
If you ever get to Miami, you are more than welcome at our place. 
Seriously!
 
GOB
 
PS... Marina and I will fix you one of our world class blue agave Margaritas. 

Maybe on her way to San Francisco????
 
GOB....where can I find more info on those''world class' margaritas??

[Shadow]

Ok lets give a try at a more in-depth answer without once again trying Aloe to get divorced as seems to be the trend here.
As for being qualified in this field, I am one of the owners of a game community (unsure if we include the one Aloe's hubby plays) which means that I regularly face addicted teens or young adults, who seem to spend way too much time on the community. Some manage to reach an average of 10 hours daily, so if I say way too much time I mean it.
I recall that Aloe played this game some time ago together with her hubby, it was one of the common interests when they met. Where Aloe has changed interests (do you both have a PC or only 1?) her hubby has remained with the game, and seems to lose himself in to it.

Whenever we get a signal that someone is neglecting their RL in favour of playing, we make it clear that RL should always come first. Spending time on your family and duties has preference to playing games, the game playing is for when time is left.

Hubby will consider the time he spends at the game as 'time left' as he can not think of something better. On the other hand Aloe, having passed the passiong for the game, now feels this is taking time away from other things.

The question Aloe should ask herself is what alternative hubby has from playing his game. Does she give him reason to put the PC aside and pursue other things ? After all if his alternative for staring at the screen is sitting and staring at Aloe he will get tired quickly, however lovely Aloe is to stare at.
Now are there things you could explore and do together at the times he is playing, or is it just that you are now unhappy he still is following something you are no longer interested in ?

The only way to let him get rid of his gaming is for him to have an alternative that is more attractive. If spending time together in a mutual new activity is not something you both strive for, its not going to work.

Yes you can still travel the world and try different places. But some day soon you will find that after that you long back to having someone to do nothing with.  You may then find a new hubby, or you may find there are many lesser alternatives around as what you had.

Right now you know what hubby you have, and I think by now you can predict how he will develop in the future.  If that is not the life you wish to look back on when you are 50, consider changing. But remember that one day you may feel you threw away something you can not retrieve.

Your hubby will drop his gaming if he finds something he is more interested in. It is up to you to find how to offer that.

[GoodOlBoy]

Your hubby will drop his gaming if he finds something he is more interested in. It is up to you to find how to offer that.

Sorry, I disagree completely with you Shadow.
 
Her husband is a grown man.
 
GOB

[Ranetka]

I guess I am qualified to express my opinion as someone who had been married to an alcoholic and who has certain addictive traits myself.


The definition of addiction I personally agree with is when the activity must be carried out after the "need" for it has been saturated. I.e. - you eat when you are not hungry, you drink even when it makes you sick, you play the game instead of sleep. When it happens enough times then one exhibits addictive behavior.


An addictive personality can replace one addictive activity by another, I heard AA members seriously  saying they are now addicted to the meetings. Clearly, this alternative is much healthier. I also know someone who flies a para plane (I think that's what it called?) every day weather permitted with all his money poured in the hobby, and he admitted his wife broke up  with him because of that. You'd think what's more important, the family or the hobby? To him it was his hobby.


I am also in agreement with AA philosophy which says that an addict has to want to change himself. You can not change anyone.


So sorry Aloe, no clear answer for you. The only thing I can advise is do not threaten with you leaving; this is not going to achieve anything . Say you are unhappy because of .......;  leave only if and when you are ready.


Unfortunately to change is up to him.

[Faux Pas]

I guess I am qualified to express my opinion as someone who had been married to an alcoholic and who has certain addictive traits myself.


The definition of addiction I personally agree with is when the activity must be carried out after the "need" for it has been saturated. I.e. - you eat when you are not hungry, you drink even when it makes you sick, you play the game instead of sleep. When it happens enough times then one exhibits addictive behavior.


An addictive personality can replace one addictive activity by another, I heard AA members seriously  saying they are now addicted to the meetings. Clearly, this alternative is much healthier. I also know someone who flies a para plane (I think that's what it called?) every day weather permitted with all his money poured in the hobby, and he admitted his wife broke up  with him because of that. You'd think what's more important, the family or the hobby? To him it was his hobby.


I am also in agreement with AA philosophy which says that an addict has to want to change himself. You can not change anyone.


So sorry Aloe, no clear answer for you. The only thing I can advise is do not threaten with you leaving; this is not going to achieve anything . Say you are unhappy because of .......;  leave only if and when you are ready.


Unfortunately to change is up to him.

Very well stated

[Shadow]

Sorry, I disagree completely with you Shadow.
 
Her husband is a grown man.
 
GOB

And Aloe is a grown woman.
Hubby will give up his activity only if he wants to, and his wife sitting sulking in the room is not going to do that.  Grown men also need incentives to change their behaviour.

[Ranetka]

Very well stated

Thanks. I spent enough time thinking on the subject, trust me 

[Ranetka]

http://www.olganon.org/?q=forum/3


There. Have a look around, see how much it fits, may be things are better than you think.

[GoodOlBoy]

And Aloe is a grown woman.

I agree, Aloe did grow up and is an adult now.
Apparently, she doesn't play "video games" any more. 
 
 

GOB....where can I find more info on those''world class' margaritas??

   Many years of "secret" research and development (R&D) sir, many years.
 
GOB

[LiveFromUkraine]

I agree, Aloe did grow up and is an adult now.
Apparently, she doesn't play "video games" any more. 
 
 
 
GOB

I have never been into video games personally, but I think you would be surprised at the demographics of players. 

[LiveFromUkraine]

Hi Aloe,


It sounds like you are on the road to making the decisions necessary to be happy.  Congrats! 


I am sure if feels fantastic to know you will have a support system to help you no matter what decision you make. 


It sounds like you two just want different things.  Your husband wants the Aloe he met in the game and probably hoped playing games would be something you did together.


You are obviously wanting different.  It happens, but you can't make someone do something they don't want.  They will end up resenting you in the long run.


Hopefully you can do what Shadow suggested and find common ground again.  In something new.  I have my doubts because I think your lust for travel and learning may more important to you than him.


I just wanted to give you support and wish you the best.  It sounds like you are working your way through the problems and will surely come out ahead.

[Ade]

So, any ideas how to convince hubby to quit playing without provoking his stubbornness?

Oh crap, I lost my first reply. Here's a summary of it.


What worked for me when I was a selfish, self involved 20-something that worked way too much and spent far too much of my free time administering and playing an online MUD, was that my ex-wife told me that she'd leave me if I didn't stop.


At that time I valued her more than those other fripperies so I stopped the gaming (mostly) and stopped picking up the phone to work some of the time when they called on weekends and holidays.


Your guess will be better than anyone's on how he would react under similar demands but if he values you as much as a husband should, he will put away his childish things and start interacting with you instead of his virtual world. If he doesn't, what are you losing exactly? And it's not as if he hasn't had enough warning from you from what I can tell by your posts.


It's not an easy thing but sometimes you have to wake up to painful realities and move on. Doing nothing may just be drawing out the inevitable and that is such a waste of life - I know from experience as I delayed the inevitable for at least 5 years.


Good luck.


Oh, and you should probably wait with anything drastic until the citizenship thing is in full swing.

[knighta]

I really do feel sorry for Aloe.  I am not sure how to do a multi quote but from this topic
Share your experience plz

Quote from: BC on August 29, 2012, 07:44:45 AM<blockquote>What happens when you try to lure him away from his game with sex?

If that does not work he probably addicted and won't stop until he is either totally burnt out on the game or something snaps him out of it.

If it does work,  just keep at it...  At least you will be getting some attention.

If not, ry this.....

When he starts gaming, assuming he uses the TV, boot your laptop and start watching porn, even if you don't like watching porn.  This might grab his attention.  If he objects,  just tell him that you need 'something' too....
</blockquote>

Not gonna work. It's a game where you cooperate with other people. And hubby plays a healer, so if he doesn't pay attention for 3 seconds, someone will die. For that reason it is nearly impossible to get him to even glance away from the screen for 1 second. I walk around naked a lot, he never looks. Not to mention he gets instantly annoyed if i try to distract him.

It just baffles my mind on how he would be more interested in his game than Aloe especially with what she has written above. 

[Gator]

Aloe,
 
I have had the good fortune of never encountering an addiction except from afar.  I guess I had no patience for people so afflicted.   So I have nothing to say, other than I believe that if you leave this man, you will blossom and thrive.
 
Wishing you the best.