How to get hubby to get rid of an addiction?

[Vaughn]

Perhaps hubby is more comfy with virtual relationships in general. Which begets the question: way back when, did he and Aloe meet online ??
 

[LAman]

Perhaps hubby is more comfy with virtual relationships in general. Which begets the question: way back when, did he and Aloe meet online ??

Hi Vaughn...
As I remember, they did meet online......playing the game I think.

[Shadow]

Perhaps hubby is more comfy with virtual relationships in general. Which begets the question: way back when, did he and Aloe meet online ??

A mild for of Asperger might be present, but it would not stop him from functioning normal.

[Aloe]

Oh crap, I lost my first reply. Here's a summary of it.


What worked for me when I was a selfish, self involved 20-something that worked way too much and spent far too much of my free time administering and playing an online MUD, was that my ex-wife told me that she'd leave me if I didn't stop.


At that time I valued her more than those other fripperies so I stopped the gaming (mostly) and stopped picking up the phone to work some of the time when they called on weekends and holidays.


Your guess will be better than anyone's on how he would react under similar demands but if he values you as much as a husband should, he will put away his childish things and start interacting with you instead of his virtual world. If he doesn't, what are you losing exactly? And it's not as if he hasn't had enough warning from you from what I can tell by your posts.


It's not an easy thing but sometimes you have to wake up to painful realities and move on. Doing nothing may just be drawing out the inevitable and that is such a waste of life - I know from experience as I delayed the inevitable for at least 5 years.


Good luck.


Oh, and you should probably wait with anything drastic until the citizenship thing is in full swing.

Ranetka and Ade, thanks for sharing your personal experience.


Ade, but if i say i'll leave if he doesn't stop, that will permanently damage our relationship. Like those times he noobed out during our first year when he said do this or divorce. This kind of talking permanently damages a relationship. And if we are to stay married, i'd rather avoid that. I only got over it now, 2 years later.

[Aloe]

Aloe  hey 

Firstly, I'd like to know how skilled you are becoming on that piano?

wanna do a duet?
 I have this totally awesome arrangement where I've mashed up bits of the Nutcracker
and sprinkled it all over In the house of the mountain king.   
Sound like fun ?  lol

Anyway,  here is this crux.
You can't make anyone do anything.
(well you can, but that may involve Domme Aloe)
He spends his time enjoying this game, I would bet he get's some sense of fuffulment and feels like he belongs because he is needed, and if he should pause, People Could DIE!   That's some serious shit.
So i'm thinking he takes this pretty seriously and we could analize the reasons till the cows come home or someone Dies. Either way, It is not going to stop anytime soon.
You see, that ( and I am guessing ) is his "escape' or " happy place"
That's his  "thing"
your "thing" is what you find yourself spending most of your time on this planet doing.
Some folks thing is drinking.
Other folks thing is singing.
Some even jump off cliffs.
Some people can change their thing.
Some can't.
your thing is what brings you to your happy.
we would love for our spouse to be into our thing.
But a lot of times , they have their own thing, and we are not interested in that.
The best we can hope for, is having our spouse at least aknowledge our thing.

What is your thing Aloe?

how long are you going to wait to go do your thing.

you gotta go do your thing, you can't make someone do it with you.
People either want to or they don't.
But that can't stop you from doing your own thing.

If you are lucky, you will find many "things"  you love to do.

I love flying, but also love, jamming, cooking, and visiting.
I love to paint too.
Like this weekend,
I turned off my phone,
locked myself inside,
Turned the music up loud,
and Painted portraits of Jimi Hendrix.

It was freaking great!

so, what I am saying is, forget about making him quit his thing, and go do your thing and see what happens.

I am playing sometimes the first page of moonlight sonata But i cant reach farther than 1 octave, so that makes moonlight sonata impossible to play for me properly Very sad, such madly beautiful piece. Also started Fur elise, but it's a bit confusing! It only has 1 page of sheet music, and obviously you are supposed to repeat some parts, still need to figure out which parts are repeated and how many times, but i can play the beginning


You are right, this game is his thing. And Ranetka is right, before this game he had another addiction that he replaced by playing this game. If i start doing my thing, that means going out and travelling. I am starting to do my thing anyway. I went to see several shows, finally. It is a lot less fun to do alone though Nobody to share what you are thinking or feeling with. Horrible.
I also went on that vacation in September, i went with my family, but i also went on a 2 day trip all by myself. It felt like only half the pleasure, cuz i constantly wanted to turn to someone and say something, share something, cuz i'm excited, but there was nobody. Awful. So this is what it would be like, travelling by myself. I really wish i had someone to share it with.

[Gator]

 ...i also went on a 2 day trip all by myself. It felt like only half the pleasure, cuz i constantly wanted to turn to someone and say something, share something, cuz i'm excited, but there was nobody. Awful. So this is what it would be like, travelling by myself. I really wish i had someone to share it with.

That seems so sad Aloe considering that you are married.  And it reinforces that you would blossom with someone who would just talk with you rather than talk at you.
 
 

[Aloe]

Aloe, that's rubbish and you should know it.  There are millions of single people available in the world right now, many of whom would be a wonderful match for you.  The hard part is finding them.  For crying out loud, you're only in your mid-twenties!  What about us old fogeys who have to look in the FSU because there's nobody available at home? 
 
And how do you define "good?"  Based on your posts here, especially in the last year or so, "good" is not how I would describe your relationship, and certainly not how I would describe your husband.
 
From what you have written, he's a control freak with no social skills whatsoever, who ignores a beautiful young wife in favour of on-line gaming, and actually assaulted you when you had the nerve to complain.  He's commandeered the car which your parents gave to you (from your post last week about not having a car available I'm guessing that he now doesn't let you drive it at all), but in any case leaves the house only for work.  I don't give a toss that he's a "healer" and that people die if he leaves the game for a nano-second - the people in the game are not real!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  What is real is that he has a family (you) now, and he is totally ignoring the responsibilities that come with marriage.
 
I know that I have been pretty selfish over the years (and still am, to some extent), but there's no way that I would behave like him in this situation.  I honestly don't think there's a future together for you unless something incredibly shocking happens to make your husband realise that there is more to life than a computer screen.
 
Can't he see how desperately unhappy he is making you?  You have been more than open on this forum, and with your classmates, and you've written in the past that you've tried talking to him about it and have been ignored.  I don't care that you think he's basically a very nice guy - maybe, but I think he's a conceited jerk who doesn't deserve to have a relationship with anyone, let alone someone as intelligent and erudite as yourself who feels that she has to get some sort of catharsis by venting on an internet forum to thousand of people that she doesn't know!  He has no idea of how much time he has caused people to waste on here, because many of us seem to spend so much time trying to find some solution to your problem - but he is the only person who can fix this.
 
If he won't budge, why should you waste any more of your time with him?  I would not normally advocate divorce to anyone where I don't know all the facts (and I'm sure there's plenty of other stuff that would be relevant), but I've been reading your posts for a couple of years and I honestly can't see where else this is going.  Staying with him is going to drive you nuts, and your happiness is worth far more than some sense of loyalty to a relationship which seems terminal to this outsider.

Exactly, the problem is there are only a few million people i'd go for, and the chances to meet those people are very small, and the chances are even smaller than we are both available at the time of meeting, and who says they would be interested in me to begin with anyway? So...


I dont think he is making me unhappy. I think he is worsening my unhappy that was already there to begin with. But he also improves it. So it's very confusing. And i can't decide anything. Like 3 days ago i read in the paper that 20 minutes of continuous hugs make you release stress-calming hormones, so i told him lets try that, just for fun. He didnt wanna, but i got so sad that he said, ok lets do it tomorrow. So we did it the next day, we sat and hugged and talked and it was amazing, and i totally threw all bad thoughts out of the window thinking how good everything is. But the next day he says he doesn't wanna do it again, maybe only on weekends, so that got me sad all over again. Sigh. We do hug quite often but very briefly. I want nice long hugs. whenever i hug hubby, he always tries to wriggle out of it after a brief time. Like a cat. So i always feel like im forcing too much hugs on him. Makes me wonder if i'm needy and no guy would go for it?

[Aloe]

Most explanatory and insightful post of the thread     Says it all.
 
Rather than ballroom dancing I suggest Latin dancing where the men have machismo and the music is sexual.  Hubby won't have a chance.

I already went on a latin dancing course, but hubby doesnt care. I did it for me, not to make hubby jealous. Cuz he is as unjealous as it gets. He didn't mind my latin dancing. And i stopped going after 4 lessons anyway, because it's full of older people there. It was like 50 people in the class, among them 2 single men and 4 single women, the rest all couples, and everyone, everyone, everyone is at least 50+. Which isn't old. But you just feel so out of place when everyone is twice older than you There was 2 young couples there, but they are couples so they don't dance with anyone else.

[CDW]

Aloe

The most important thing that you are asking your question to the wrong people.  We are NOT relationship coaches, and we are not expert - - - no matter what our answers are!  Everyone including me gave you different answers but we are not expert on relationships.   You should ask your questions to the professionals.

[Slumba]

Aloe, I am a little surprised that you have not made any female friends in real life. You seem to be open and honest and caring -- why not try to make a few female friends locally who can share some things with you.

[Aloe]

Anyway, i feel that my standards for a man are getting disproportionately high. I mean, what i now know i want is someone i dont think i can realistically compete for. For example, we have this mega smart, tall and cute professor at school, who is about 36, i want someone like that. But why would a guy like that ever go for me, i havent even completed my bachelor yet. But i noticed when i talk to super smart people like that i get a braingasm. Haha. I also feel stupid, because they are so smart. In short, super smart and erudite men are hot. Me, not so much, without even a puny bachelor or any kind of erudition... So if i left hubby, id probably end up lonely and sad with my disproportionate standards for at least another 10 years

[Ade]

Ranetka and Ade, thanks for sharing your personal experience.


Ade, but if i say i'll leave if he doesn't stop, that will permanently damage our relationship. Like those times he noobed out during our first year when he said do this or divorce. This kind of talking permanently damages a relationship. And if we are to stay married, i'd rather avoid that. I only got over it now, 2 years later.

Yes, perhaps it would. I guess it depends on him, you and how you approach it. My ex-wife just told me that our relationship wasn't tenable for much longer when I wasn't participating in it. She didn't just say, "stop playing or I'll leave."


The way I read it, going from your posts, you don't have much of a relationship, at least not what I'd call one. I'm sorry to say it but a husband worth having doesn't treat a wife as you have been treated. If you want him to change into one, you need to be open and honest with him about what you miss and what you need because just hoping for it won't do a damn.


And if he can't give you the relationship you want, you have to decide if you are willing to put up with that for the rest of your life. He also needs to know what the stakes are here; sometimes men are so dumb they can't see the woods for the trees - in other words, you need to lay it out plain and simple or it won't sink in that he risks losing you unless he starts behaving like a man in a marriage.


I wouldn't be surprised if he thinks he's "safe" because you are, in his mind, so dependant on him. Well, I think it's time you disabused him of that idea.

[Ade]

Anyway, i feel that my standards for a man are getting disproportionately high. I mean, what i now know i want is someone i dont think i can realistically compete for. For example, we have this mega smart, tall and cute professor at school, who is about 36, i want someone like that. But why would a guy like that ever go for me, i havent even completed my bachelor yet. But i noticed when i talk to super smart people like that i get a braingasm. Haha. I also feel stupid, because they are so smart. In short, super smart and erudite men are hot. Me, not so much, without even a puny bachelor or any kind of erudition...

Don't sell yourself too short and there's no magic formula for what intelligent men find attractive.


Staying with someone that's not compatible with you just because he's all you have is not a good reason. If you do, you will regret it 10 years down the road I guarantee it.

[Aloe]

Don't sell yourself too short and there's no magic formula for what intelligent men find attractive.


Staying with someone that's not compatible with you just because he's all you have is not a good reason. If you do, you will regret it 10 years down the road I guarantee it.

I havent completely decided if hubby isn't compatible with me. After all i can also sit and play a game all day long, if i feel like it. I just dont want to anymore, cuz it's such a waste of time. I can do it, but not get any special pleasure from it... And sometimes i dont feel like leaving the house either.. And i have troubles getting up in the morning... And i hate cleaning... and sometimes i get whiny... and lots of other things few would tolerate. But hubby does

[Aloe]

Yes, perhaps it would. I guess it depends on him, you and how you approach it. My ex-wife just told me that our relationship wasn't tenable for much longer when I wasn't participating in it. She didn't just say, "stop playing or I'll leave."


The way I read it, going from your posts, you don't have much of a relationship, at least not what I'd call one. I'm sorry to say it but a husband worth having doesn't treat a wife as you have been treated. If you want him to change into one, you need to be open and honest with him about what you miss and what you need because just hoping for it won't do a damn.


And if he can't give you the relationship you want, you have to decide if you are willing to put up with that for the rest of your life. He also needs to know what the stakes are here; sometimes men are so dumb they can't see the woods for the trees - in other words, you need to lay it out plain and simple or it won't sink in that he risks losing you unless he starts behaving like a man in a marriage.


I wouldn't be surprised if he thinks he's "safe" because you are, in his mind, so dependant on him. Well, I think it's time you disabused him of that idea.

If i say to hubby he doesnt participate in our relationship he will get offended. He will say he is working and studying and making it possible for me to study. We already had a conversation along those lines. And then he's gonna sulk around thinking that everything he is doing around here goes unappreciated. Then ill have to spend an hour prying him open as to whats wrong, and its all gonna explode in my face and ill end up feeling like the bad guy.

[Aloe]

Aloe

The most important thing that you are asking your question to the wrong people.  We are NOT relationship coaches, and we are not expert - - - no matter what our answers are!  Everyone including me gave you different answers but we are not expert on relationships.   You should ask your questions to the professionals.

That's not the point. The point is that i come across all kinds of hidden ideas and feelings by writing here. I just start writing and things come out. So i am getting to know myself and how im feeling. And sometimes i just feel like sharing something with someone.  Also the point is that some members have some very good insights and they sometimes make me look at things from a new angle. Also they make me think of things.

[Shadow]

If i say to hubby he doesnt participate in our relationship he will get offended. He will say he is working and studying and making it possible for me to study. We already had a conversation along those lines. And then he's gonna sulk around thinking that everything he is doing around here goes unappreciated. Then ill have to spend an hour prying him open as to whats wrong, and its all gonna explode in my face and ill end up feeling like the bad guy.

Something many guys should recognize, and also something crucial.
A relationship is not about what you do individually for it, but about what you do together.

[Aloe]

Yes, perhaps it would. I guess it depends on him, you and how you approach it. My ex-wife just told me that our relationship wasn't tenable for much longer when I wasn't participating in it. She didn't just say, "stop playing or I'll leave."


The way I read it, going from your posts, you don't have much of a relationship, at least not what I'd call one. I'm sorry to say it but a husband worth having doesn't treat a wife as you have been treated. If you want him to change into one, you need to be open and honest with him about what you miss and what you need because just hoping for it won't do a damn.


And if he can't give you the relationship you want, you have to decide if you are willing to put up with that for the rest of your life. He also needs to know what the stakes are here; sometimes men are so dumb they can't see the woods for the trees - in other words, you need to lay it out plain and simple or it won't sink in that he risks losing you unless he starts behaving like a man in a marriage.


I wouldn't be surprised if he thinks he's "safe" because you are, in his mind, so dependant on him. Well, I think it's time you disabused him of that idea.

When i tell hubby what i wanna do, like travel and go to shows and such, he always says we will be able to afford that when i start working. That's another 2.5 years of waiting. Im just sick of waiting. We can do those things now already, it isnt that expensive. But hubby disagrees. I wonder if things would actually change if we had more money.

[BC]

I wonder if things would actually change if we had more money.

No.

Some of the most wonderful times in my life was when I was flat broke.

[DTEJD]

Aloe:


Just to chime in on a couple of things....


A). What man would not want to spend 15-20 minutes hugging his wife/fiancee/girlfriend.  Assuming of course it is at home and at an appropriate time.  I would kill for this!


B). Be very careful and cautious about higher education!  Education in America is broken and is ruining a lot of people's lives here.  I see that you are in Europe, so it is probably different there, but be careful! 

[Noch1]

Aloe, if it helps for you to post your thoughts here! Do it! even if the advice or comments are not what you want and need. Looks to me like, everyone here is on your side. So for now if all you need is and ear.
Post away. Some of the advice may work for you and some may not.
But if you get a little help, getting through this, great.

One thing to remember, don't let him or anyone, devalue you! That tends to grow.
Can and will make you less strong. I have not read all your posts, I am new here.
But from this thread, many say your beautiful and I am seeing you right, would guess smart girl.
You are growing and he is not! you realize games are not life and there is much more.
He might catch on, maybe not. But don't get lost in it! Take what you need here to stay strong.

The time will come when you have to talk to him and make him realize, what is happening!
Prepare yourself, do not feel guilty for what is honest and in your heart.
Sounds like you love him, but you fear if this continues, it will turn to hate.
Don't  let it get that far and more important, stick to your beliefs.
Life truly is short and meant to be lived!

[southernX]

Like 3 days ago i read in the paper that 20 minutes of continuous hugs make you release stress-calming hormones, so i told him lets try that, just for fun. He didnt wanna, but i got so sad that he said, ok lets do it tomorrow. So we did it the next day, we sat and hugged and talked and it was amazing, and i totally threw all bad thoughts out of the window thinking how good everything is. But the next day he says he doesn't wanna do it again, maybe only on weekends, so that got me sad all over again. Sigh. We do hug quite often but very briefly. I want nice long hugs. whenever i hug hubby, he always tries to wriggle out of it after a brief time. Like a cat. So i always feel like im forcing too much hugs on him. Makes me wonder if i'm needy and no guy would go for it?

aloe

my wife is a huggy person,  so am i !!  "obeyateya "   is very good for you and happens often in our place , at any time for any reason .plenty of people like to be hugged , you hubby it seems is not one of them ,

it seems  from your posts although you love hubby in some areas your not compatible , but others maybe ??

question is as im curious ,
how many hours does he work each week each day ??
does he have to study as well as this work ??
how many hours are you working or studying each day or week ??

how much free time do each of you have to spend or give to each other ??

each of you needs to be able to see and understand the others perspective on your actions and how this affects your marriage

it can often happen at some time after marriage , you as a couple can get stuck in the mundane things of life , you actually have to make time for each other and do it together .

we all set goals in life , we are striving so hard to get abetter future  we forget about each TODAY ! and making the most of it with people we love and care about

 im only asking as for many people who work long hours and are stuck in a job/life  that is stressful or very busy /demanding , they dont recognise it , and they dont handle it well , and they dont understand how they can improve it , sometimes they just think it must be as it is

im not excusing your hubbys actions of the past that you have written about here before ,
but im wondering if he is working long hours , and then when he comes home this game is an  escape from life and reality because he doesnt know and wont admit he isnt coping too well in general ?? problem solving or being the problem solver at work can lead to some form of escapism at home sometimes , ??  your wanting him to be attentive , he might see as another problem , even though it isnt ?

what does he do for work ?? does it fit this at all ?

if you are at home all day or large portions of the day every day , and you are a person who naturally likes to be close to your man [what fsu woman doesnt ?]  he might be suffocated a little by it ? im assuming from the time he comes home you want his company close with you ??  many men just like to have some time to unwind and relax , not be immediatly required to give more on arriving at home . 


this may help you to understand him alittle better, not saying this is the case , he also it seems he  needs to understand your needs and drivers, and make an effort to participate with you , even when he doesnt want to .

id suggest you both need to have  good long discusion about what you are both needing and getting  from the marriage at present , look for some areas to compromise in , there will be some from both sides if your seriuos about staying with each other .

at the end of the day , no one should live their life through another person , this wont make you happy or fullfilled
each person needs to have positive things in their  life that makes them happy and gives them a sense of purpose to go forward each day !! 

if you dont grow together , you will grow apart !!  it is as sure as the sun coming up tomorow

sx

[teaholic]

Hi Aloe,

I'm a new poster, but I've been lurking off and on for a while.  Independent of the (possible) addiction, I have some thoughts that may be applicable to your situation.

From my personal experience and observations, it seems that young women have a tendency to stay too long in their first serious/long-term relationship.  There may be multiple reasons for this, but one is the ideal of "happily ever after" and the expectation that the first serious man be "the one", otherwise things are somehow already not going according to plan.  I remember thinking (at 21 or so) that if things didn't work out with my then-bf, nothing would ever work out because "I don't believe in multiple soulmates" and if I loved him, how could I ever find love again with anyone else?  Maybe this is not your case, but I think for one reason or another, young women tend to put too much emphasis on the commitment aspect of their first serious relationship, sometimes regardless of what the substance of the relationship is actually like.  Somehow crossing that psychological boundary and accepting that things may not be perfect the first time ("the first pancake is a lump) and that you may have to try again (at building a new long-term relationship) is quite hard. 

I am not suggesting you should immediately get divorced (in any case, I wouldn't recommend that until you have some clarity regarding your citizenship).  I am just suggesting that you take a long, hard look at the substance of your relationship, leaving aside for the time being the commitment, your ideals that marriage should be forever, your idea that you'll have failed at love if you get divorced, etc. (if any of this applies).

[teaholic]

I would also agree (from the admittedly one-sided and limited info available on this forum) with whoever suggested above that you don't have a relationship, at least as I would define it.  Just because you live together and both call it a relationship doesn't mean it is one.  To me, these aspects seem to be missing:

- communicating on a regular basis about thoughts and feelings.  Sounds like you are mainly the one doing this with little reciprocity, and it seems to be falling on deaf ears.  There should be a desire on each side to share thoughts and feelings with the other person, not because that's what you are supposed to do or because your husband/wife demands attention, but because you WANT to.  There should also be a genuine interest and concern about what the other person is thinking/feeling.
- sharing interests and activities. It shouldn't be the case that the only times you decide to spend "couple time", you end up looking at each other/hugging/cuddling etc. Those are great things, but it shouldn't be that your only way of interacting is either doing mundane chores or "being together" while doing nothing in particular.

Does your husband ever talk to you about his work (beyond just "I'm tired, I need to relax)?  Do you know his dreams, long-term plans (again, aside from the purely pragmatic "we need to pay off this loan" type of stuff)?  Do you tell him about school, what you do/don't like about it, why you are interested in learning?

Another way to look at your marriage:  does your husband ever express that he is happy with you or being married to you? Sometimes it comes across as thOugh he perceives it as a burden of responsibility instead of primarily a joyful and fulfilling thing.

[SANDRO43]

Teaholic, welcome to our forum.

I remember thinking (at 21 or so) that if things didn't work out with my then-bf, nothing would ever work out because "I don't believe in multiple soulmates" and if I loved him, how could I ever find love again with anyone else?

Tell us a bit more about yourself. For instance, it would appear from the above highlighted bit in your sentence that you are a woman . Correct?