How to get hubby to get rid of an addiction?

[Aloe]

Is your husband the one telling you that you are not a good wife or is this what you are telling yourself?

In the first 2 years he told me when i'm not cleaning and cooking i'm being a bad wife. Which is basically true, cuz he is the one working and i'm not.

[Faux Pas]

and there is still 3 million tasks waiting ahead, and they never end, they just pile up and pile up, and when i complete some task, im still burdened by the 3 milliion other tasks, and the thought that when im done with 3 milliion tasks; a new 3 milliion will be dispatched my way, and it enver ends

C'mon, be truthful. There is never 3 million tasks. It's all in your attitude and the way you perceive it. You see them as burdens rather than accomplishing goals. You are correct in that it never does end. That is just part of life that you would do well to start getting use to. These are growing pains Aloe. It's your refusal to accept your responsibilities of your own well being and those in your life. At some point you will accept them or you will stop living. You are sounding depressed. You may or may not have something serious going on and it wouldn't hurt to speak to a professional. Depression is a threat to your sanity

[Misha]

In the first 2 years he told me when i'm not cleaning and cooking i'm being a bad wife. Which is basically true, cuz he is the one working and i'm not.

My wife does not work now, but I do still help with the cooking and cleaning. Perhaps less than before, but I still do some of the housework. You should definitely find somebody to talk to and help you work through some of these issues and sort out what are the internal conflicts that you have to address, how to gain a balanced and realistic perspective on life, one where you can understand what is just and what is not...

[Ranetka]

I'm just sick of all the responsibilities.. I constantly feel guilty, like every minute of the day. Guilty for not studying all the time, guilty for not cleaning enough and guilty for not cooking every day, and guilty for not being a good wife, and guilty for not meeting his expectations of a good wife. Basically there is like 3 million things i'm supposed to do, and i'm sick of it all and don't wanna do a single thing.

Look, it's bad enough you don't do these things, why do you add to your problems by beating yourself up as well?


Just think does feeling guilty actually make you do any of these things that needed to be done? On my own experience feeling guilty only makes me feel bad but does not make me start revising or cleaning. Try to forgive yourself.

[Ranetka]

What I am trying to say is you'd be better try and find some other motivation for doing household chores and studying.


My advise may come as a surprise to many. But honest from someone who had been in your shoes -  if you do not do things you should at least do not beat yourself up. Dirty dishes or even failed exam is not a valid reason to put yourself down and feel guilty or useless.

[Anotherkiwi]

...My advise may come as a surprise to many. But honest from someone who had been in your shoes -  if you do not do things you should at least do not beat yourself up. Dirty dishes or even failed exam is not a valid reason to put yourself down and feel guilty or useless.

I agree.  Many of us have been in a similar situation, but I don't think I've ever met anyone who articulates the problems as eloquently as Aloe.  That does not mean I agree - Aloe, I wrote (what seems like aeons ago) that you should get off your lazy bum and DO something instead of complaining all the time.  Plenty of people have come up with what seemed like worthwhile suggestions - I'm not saying that all of them were workable, but you keep going on about how miserable you feel, how worthless you feel, how bored you feel...have you actually tried anything that was brought up on here?...and I do mean for more than 10 minutes! 
 
I'm not a psychiatrist or psychologist, and I don't know how many of the others who have responded to this thread might be, but I think we can all see that you really DO need to see a professional in this field to help you get through this dark period in your life.  The alternative is to let this frustration and misery feed upon itself until you sink so far into the pit that you will not see any way out.  At the moment, at least, you still have plenty of choices.
 
You've said that your hands are too small to play particular tunes on the piano - did you try other music?  Or have you stopped playing because it upsets your husband's concentration on his game?  Have you tried writing a journal (rather than just a diary), elaborating on what you've shared on this forum?  This would be a good start, and something you could share with a counsellor.
 
Your parents have said that they will help you financially - does that apply to seeking professional help?  Have you ever spoken to them in the same way that you have "spoken" to us?  I think they would be horrified by what has happened to their little girl (and make no mistake, you will always be their "little girl") if they could read these many hundreds of depressing posts.  I know I am.

[calmissile]

I agree.  Many of us have been in a similar situation, but I don't think I've ever met anyone who articulates the problems as eloquently as Aloe.  That does not mean I agree - Aloe, I wrote (what seems like aeons ago) that you should get off your lazy bum and DO something instead of complaining all the time.  Plenty of people have come up with what seemed like worthwhile suggestions - I'm not saying that all of them were workable, but you keep going on about how miserable you feel, how worthless you feel, how bored you feel...have you actually tried anything that was brought up on here?...and I do mean for more than 10 minutes! 
 
I'm not a psychiatrist or psychologist, and I don't know how many of the others who have responded to this thread might be, but I think we can all see that you really DO need to see a professional in this field to help you get through this dark period in your life.  The alternative is to let this frustration and misery feed upon itself until you sink so far into the pit that you will not see any way out.  At the moment, at least, you still have plenty of choices.
 
You've said that your hands are too small to play particular tunes on the piano - did you try other music?  Or have you stopped playing because it upsets your husband's concentration on his game?  Have you tried writing a journal (rather than just a diary), elaborating on what you've shared on this forum?  This would be a good start, and something you could share with a counsellor.
 
Your parents have said that they will help you financially - does that apply to seeking professional help?  Have you ever spoken to them in the same way that you have "spoken" to us?  I think they would be horrified by what has happened to their little girl (and make no mistake, you will always be their "little girl") if they could read these many hundreds of depressing posts.  I know I am.

+1   Totally agree with you.  The solution to depression at this level is by getting professional help.
If counseling does not cure the problem, many wonder drugs are available to deal with this issue.  Continuing to do nothing is likely to not chage anything about how she feels and deals with her life.

[southernX]

+1   Totally agree with you.  The solution to depression at this level is by getting professional help.
If counseling does not cure the problem, many wonder drugs are available to deal with this issue.  Continuing to do nothing is likely to not chage anything about how she feels and deals with her life.

+2

psychologist,  SEE ONE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE ALOE 

you need help to pull you out of this mind set and open your thoughts up to the very positive things your life has now and can have into the future imho

negative thoughts and depression are all helped along by doing nothing !! identify the things you enjoy doing and push your self to do them , even when you dont want to !!

remember this  simple philosophy , KEEP THE BODY BUSY & THE MIND WILL FOLLOW !!

basically while you are sitting at home everyday , looking  at your life from the bottom of a big dark hole , all you can see is ladder that stops  half way to the top of the hole and you cant escape ?  you need help to get you to the top of the hole and see the light again in your life aloe

push yourself to do something for yourself now !!! just doing small things can bring back the positive mind set
the longer you sit stuck like this in the mud , the harder it will be to pull yourself out of this negative mind set

dont expect hubby to be that help , he either cant or wont understand what you need from him right now , he may try to understand , but his world for him will seem fine and he wont see your issues as you do

see a proffesional asap

remember no person is an island , we all need help at some stage of our lives in many ways ,

take stock of what you have , there will be alot of good things in your life , use them to lift your mindset back to a positive level , get a dog or pet , walk outside each day in the sun , maybe swim , garden , find a small partime job if possible , socialise with a girlfriend , wake up each morning and get out of bed and do something , it is the only way to shift your mind set, and create a positive empowering feeling ,
do you find mornings the hardest time of day ??
 
see a proffesional  psychologist,   asap , honestly it will help , you should have along and happy life ahead of you , so do something and take control of it now for your own good aloe please

SX

[pitbull]

Aloe,
 
Again, I sense complete lack of motivation and drive in you. Hubby is the least of your problems, trust me. Frankly, sounds like you've never experienced real responsibility even for yourself in your life, not even talking about someone else. You basiacally switched from being fully supported by your parents to being supported by your husband. Washing the dishes is a problem and makes you depressed? Trust me, if you really had to make a living to feed and clothe yourself, had to care for a dying loved one or take care of a permanently sick child, or had any serious life experience, you would be a different person now.
 
Also in order to live the life the way you dream, you would have to be born into a lot of money, marry into a lot of money, or invent something like Facebook or Apple, sell it and live happily ever after. Doesn't look like any of these scenarious are going to happen. Therefore, as many people suggested - seek professional help. Or real life experience could either break you or make you stronger.

[ML]

Read 'Sarah, Plain and Tall,' or better yet watch the TV movie.

[lonedrake]

Aloe,

 I am cetainly no profession.....so I will just give you my two cents........free of charge.

 Even though this is a serious matter you still say things that are funny. Here is one quote from you that made me laugh.

[quote And let the hole be a total complete freakin pigsty.][/quote]

So I thank you for making me laugh


My sense is that you have depression issues about not being able to have children. This is a huge issue for women that are unable to have children. Have you and your husband talked about adoption?

[HiTech]

Aloe: It is obvious to most of us , that you are suffering depression issues. Depression happens to everyone, the difference comes in how long it lasts, and how it effects daily descissions. If you have been feeling this way for an long period of time. SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP. No one here can give you any single thing to do to help you with the feeling. Depression can be cronic, in which case you can not cure yourself. It could be a change of life situation, in which case it will pass.

But this board is not a place to seek a solution, in fact it may be best to not post here at all for a few weeks to focus your attention on something more positive.

Do not feel like you are failing if you need to see some one about depression. Once you can realize it is not always your suroundings that are making you feel this way, but is nothing more then a feeling (similar to pain of any limb hurting) that you must find a way to heal, and simply deal with. You can then begin to look forward and see that you will not always feel the same, just like you know a broken arm will feel better in time.

But please consider seeking help from a doctor to find out  if you need any type of treatment.

HiTech

[Faux Pas]

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes."
- William Gibson

[Daveman]

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes."
- William Gibson

ROFL...

[Leelou]

Frankly, sounds like you've never experienced real responsibility even for yourself in your life, not even talking about someone else. You basiacally switched from being fully supported by your parents to being supported by your husband (...) if you really had to make a living to feed and clothe yourself, had to care for a dying loved one or take care of a permanently sick child, or had any serious life experience, you would be a different person now.
 

+1000
Already expressed that idea in previous posts.

It is just my opinion, but I think she is just immature.
She might have some other problems, including the behavior of her husband, but what always strikes me the most in all she writes is how she seems unable to adapt to just an... adult life. It sometimes happens that young adults who have been overly protected by their families experience a sense of rejection when they have to face real life. They feel overwhelmed by casual responsibilities that were always hidden to them so far.
She said several times that she already had signs of depression before meeting her husband. I mean, this guy actions might not help, but her posts clearly show there is something wring that preexisted this marriage... Her sad words sometimes make me think she might have thrown herself in marriage as an easy way out for the unsatisfying life she said she was living in Russia at the time.

Also, it is quite sad to see someone young not realizing the world of opportunities those studying years represent. The possibility to choose what you wanna learn, the free time you have to get things done... How many people would like to go back to that time to change things and learn/do more ?
Sad to see some people prefer to whine and complain and let time slip away....

Very often marriage in itself isn't a problem... it just tends to emphasize the issues that already exist.
Marriage is then like a mirror that reflects in another person what you denied for years.
I agree that she would need some serious professional help.
 

[Bee Farmer]

But you have a point, i had a list of 24 characteristics i made for fun as something i want in a hubby, well he had 23 of those, and still does, it's just that i realized that i need more than that. 

I dont know what i want, and what i do know i want is quite possibly very impossible to achieve,

I'm just sick of all the responsibilities..and i'm sick of it all and don't wanna do a single thing.

i just wanna crawl into some dark hole and sit there, all alone and miserable.

Aloe, is there any chance this is exactly what your husband is feeling?  And so he hides from reality by playing his game?

People often have dreams and ideas of how marriage is going to play out.  Then reality sets in, and things don't go as planned.  That's when you have to stop and evaluate where you are headed, and how to work together.

Do you and hubby have an open enough relationship that you can ask him to read this thread?  That might be a good way to get you two to sit down and figure out how to work together so that you can both meet each others needs.

You have quite the moral compass there, and trust me it is not meant as a compliment

I agree that you should see a counsellor to help you sort through all of this.

Misha, when the only compass someone has ever tried to use is broken, they have a hard time understanding how someone can navigate with a compass.  Perhaps you should stop using a broken compass?

I've seen you make comments like this before, that mean are unreliable and wives should never turn to their husbands.  I've seen you make comments suggesting that women should seek professional help, or see a counselor.  Yet for some reason, working things out with a partner doesn't seem to be an option with you.  I've also browsed a few other threads, and read where you were complaining that your ex-MIL and ex-wife made you feel like a stranger in your house.  When a husband is unreliable, it's perfectly normal for wives and MIL's to give them the cold shoulder.

It's ridiculous for all these DIVORCED guys to tell Aloe that she is depressed, or that she needs to seek professional help.  (Are any of these guy even qualified to diagnose a medical condition like depression?)  Why is everyone blaming her?  You are only reinforcing her negative thoughts.  This is about establishing goals, priorities, and responsibilities within the marriage partnership.

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes."
- William Gibson

My point exactly...

Aloe, are you familiar with Marina Orlova?  Only took her 3 years to become a millionaire...working from home.

[Bee Farmer]

Another thought to consider.

In his book Human Action Ludwig von Mises said that people's expectations of the future are set by experiences in their immediate past.

We get stuck in a rut sometimes in life.  You have to stop and take a step back and look at the bigger picture to see how to get out of the rut. 

[Anotherkiwi]

Bee Farmer, you actually started writing a worthwhile reply, then you had to spoil it with this:
 

...It's ridiculous for all these DIVORCED guys to tell Aloe that she is depressed, or that she needs to seek professional help.  (Are any of these guy even qualified to diagnose a medical condition like depression?) 

Why should one's marital status have any bearing at all on this? Haven't you noticed that some of the married guys are saying the same thing? And as for people being qualified to diagnose depression...have you ever been diagnosed as clinically depressed, or lived with someone who was? Believe me, if you had, you would not ask such a naive question.
 

Why is everyone blaming her?  You are only reinforcing her negative thoughts.

One or two may be blaming her for being depressed...as far as I can see, most people are trying to offer some sort of help, starting with the simplest advice possible of getting out of bed in the morning and treating every day as a new day, with a fresh beginning.  How can that be reinforcing negative thoughts?
 

This is about establishing goals, priorities, and responsibilities within the marriage partnership.

Partly, but you must have missed the point where Aloe's husband grabbed her around the neck.  There is way more to this marriage than any of us are privy to, but what we have been allowed to see gives more than just a glimpse into a soul far too complicated to heal itself with platitudinous offerings from people on here.  I'll put my hand up right now and say that I misjudged the situation earlier - until the physical attack I thought it was only relatively minor marital disharmony, due mainly to the damn game that her husband plays all the time, but every post since then has revealed more and more of the extent of the problem.
 
Aloe - get help!

[Leelou]

Why is everyone blaming her?  You are only reinforcing her negative thoughts.  This is about establishing goals, priorities, and responsibilities within the marriage partnership.

Bee,

The problem is that Aloe mentioned in several of her threads that she had such problems and mood swings even before meeting her husband. She said she felt unsatisfied with her life in Russia and that she had asocial behaviors already at the time.

No one is blaming her, but you sometimes also have to put people in front of their issues, especially when they try to put a significant part of the blame on their environment, people around, ect...

When I read Aloe saying that she has no friends after years spent in Belgium, even though she is at university with all the networking opportunties...
When she says she never feels like having friends because "all girls talk about silly stuff". When such casual responsibilties in a family, like cleaning and helping with the dishes become gigantic mountains to climb... When a young person receiving the opportunity to study and learn while another is taking care of all material things....

She surely is a good girl. But she is often immature, shows no clear understanding of what adult life and marriage means. She seems to have a hard time coping with the simple fact of responsibilities.

Of course we do not know how her husband really behaves. He might not help the story to go further. He might very well have his own issues.
But from what we can read here, Aloe seems to have serious personal issues, unrealted to the place where she lives in and the people she shares her life with.

A few years ago, I personnally dated a girl in a similar situation, what we French-speakers call une femme-enfant.
I can assure you it is very difficult for the person sharing the life of such individuals. They never know what they want, they have bipolar reactions and come up with unrealistic plans every day, they have difficulties to cope with everyday tasks.... It is a certain form of psychologic disorder and for the sake of the family they need to get professional help... if not, it nearly always end up in the splitting of the family.

[TheTraveler]

...But she is often immature, shows no clear understanding of what adult life and marriage means. She seems to have a hard time coping with the simple fact of responsibilities.

Of course we do not know how her husband really behaves. He might not help the story to go further. He might very well have his own issues.
But from what we can read here, Aloe seems to have serious personal issues, unrealted to the place where she lives in and the people she shares her life with.

A few years ago, I personnally dated a girl in a similar situation, what we French-speakers call une femme-enfant.
I can assure you it is very difficult for the person sharing the life of such individuals. They never know what they want, they have bipolar reactions and come up with unrealistic plans every day, they have difficulties to cope with everyday tasks.... It is a certain form of psychologic disorder and for the sake of the family they need to get professional help... if not, it nearly always end up in the splitting of the family.

might be a valid analysis.
 
or it might just be someone with thin skin twisting the knife against aloe -- who he has a prior history of attacking -- just because she once criticized his 'motherland' as a desolate, depressing backwater.
 
i'm going with (b.).

[Leelou]

might be a valid analysis.
 
or it might just be someone with thin skin twisting the knife against aloe -- who he has a prior history of attacking -- just because she once criticized his 'motherland' as a desolate, depressing backwater.
 
i'm going with (b.).

I do not know Aloe personally and I am not interested in doing so. I am just sharing my thoughts about what she openly writes on a forum.

Concerning what she wrote about Belgium, I always said clearly that it was BS and that it was a way for her to let out the frustration she is currently experiencing in her marriage and in her life in general. Seems to me that the proper evolution of her threads shows I was right : there is way more in her feeling of loneliness than just the lack of snow in a damn country. And all the similarities in the way she felt in Russia before meeting her husband and coming to Belgium, and her lack of satisfaction concerning pretty much all in life just confirms me she has issues, and that since quite a while.

Might just be that your post sounds like someone with thin skin twisting the knife against Leelou just because he once criticized his 'motherland' as a desolate, depressing firearms warehouse and its pathetic attempt to use elitist nationalist arguments to prove the opposite?

We can talk about the matter of the threads, but I won't enter a stupid forum fight with you just because I hurted your vision of America as the chosen people of modern poltics in another thread.

Peace

 

[southernX]

+ 1 another kiwi

bee farmer, what is your problem with divorce ?  you seem to have a few hang ups about it yourself in this and other threads

SX

[Daveman]

..

Concerning what she wrote about Belgium, I always said clearly that it was BS and that it was a way for her to let out the frustration she is currently experiencing in her marriage and in her life in general. ...

Leelou, a personal opinion of a country, dwelling, province, surrounding, car, toothbrush, severity of flatulence toxicity, cannot be BS.  She gave an opinion, i.e., what she thinks of her surroundings.  In your diatribes against her, you came across as a complete jack-ass for attacking her for having an opinion.

[BillyB]

Anyway, hubby isnt the problem, i know that now. Im like 95% of the problem. I dont know what i want, and what i do know i want is quite possibly very impossible to achieve, so that thought makes me extra unhappy, and the thought of slaving for the rest of my life behind some desk is adding to the depressive thinking, and now i dont even think i ever want children, cuz im horrible and irresponsible, and also i feel like a giant failure in general. Sigh.

Is this a fact? Your husband has taken quite a beating from people here based on the things you've said coupled with a one sided story. Your husband does have some issues to resolve before he's considered marriage material. You can't fix him until you fix yourself.
 
You are thinking you need certain things in your life to make that happen. Vacations around the world or maybe a million dollars? I never got the Lamborgini I wanted but I'm not going to let it get me depressed. Look on the bright side, you and your husband are living life better than 80% of the people in the world.
 
My wife used to do dishes once every 2-3 days and I told her it's best to do them after eating since they will be more easier to clean. At first she didn't take my advice. After she came back from vacationing in Ukraine, she does the dishes everyday and keeps the house cleaner. She's proud of the condition of the house and her efforts motivate me to be a better husband.
 
Don't be like a drunk trying to forget all your problems only for it to remain the next day and compound. Crying or dying is not the solution. Take care of everyday business to take care of your marriage and life.

[Leelou]

To go back to the problems mentioned here, it is clear there is something preventing her from having the "tools" required to live an adult life.
Since this situation is giving her so much pain, she should get help. It would be the easier way in order to reduce at the max this dark period of her life that already started in Russia. She is young and she has talent, you just have to look at her impressive english skills to get that... how sad to spoil all those things with such non-sense. It is not uncommon to see young people who do not know what they want in life, where they wanna live, what they wannna do professionally, what they want to find in a partner... For that, I think she is really not to blame. But she has to stand up and do something. talking with a professional could be a very good thing, she can't afford to spend more time of her life in such negative mindset... soon she could realize that all this time is lost. I think sometimes from her threads you can see she analyzes some stuff well... but she needs to build on that and go further... for her happiness, for the sake of her marriage.... There are a lot of free counselling services in Belgium that would open their doors to help her doing that and win the game. She just need to want it.