Sad day

[Boethius]

I am going to ask my husband where is the puppy dog when I see him  tonight
And finally, the mystery solved: why men gain weight once they get married, especially RM - that's because RWs have most sugar of all women!! 

Muzh's reference is from a well known nursery rhyme for children.   


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/What_Are_Little_Boys_Made_Of%3F


The version I learned was "snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails".

[mies]

Muzh's reference is from a well known nursery rhyme for children.   


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/What_Are_Little_Boys_Made_Of%3F


The version I learned was "snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails".

I know we have similar song in USSR:
"our boys are made of freckles, fire-crackers, rulers, and batteries"

[Voyager36]

My comment was not, and was not intended to be, about who is paying for the studio apartment, Voyager.  It is about why she is taking that apartment and what she is telling him.  Who pays for it is irrelevant.

Other than the fact that some men might whine about what they had paid for.
I don't disagree with you, I just get the feeling that she isn't sure where this is going to end up. (But what do I know, as a man )
I would also hope that when the time comes that she decides what she wants to do that she'll tell him forthwith. In the meantime, besides being convienient for school, it might also be somewhat of a refuge.
 

Does he understand this may be a precursor to divorce?

Most men would already understand this without having to be told.

I would think so to. Let's hope he is inclined to think seriously about improving the relationship

[Aloe]

So um.. I told hubby that i was leaving him. He didn't get sad. He was joking about it all day. And he also got three times more affectionate. And he stayed at the table while i finished eating, while he normally tries to run off He said he wants to appreciate every moment we have together and asked that we stay as we usually are until i move out. I sure got hugged a lot That was nice. With hubby actually paying attention and spending time with me, i started feeling unsure again. Sigh. Hubby wrote down the list of things i want him to change. He said he's gonna work hard on them and win me back.


We had already made an appointment to look at a studio. Hubby said he'd sign the rent contract for me to rent it (cuz i don't have a job and my parents would be paying). We went to see the studio this morning. It looked nice on pictures, but in real life it was horribly run down and filthy filthy filthy. And super expensive. Shocking. So i didn't want it, and we left.


The night before this we actually had a mini argument. I said to him that his pushing makes me feel scared and afraid for my physical safety. He said i have no reason whatsoever to think he's ever gonna hurt me, cuz it was never his intention to hurt me. I said that it doesn't matter what his intention was when he pushed me, it makes me feel fear, like base primal fear that comes without any thinking whatsoever. He insisted that it doesn't matter because it was never his intention to hurt me. That is some very strange reasoning on his part. It doesn't matter how it makes me feel and all that matters is that he never intended to hurt me. Sigh.


Anyway, on the way back from the crappy studio hubby held a beautiful speech, on how everything is going to change. That he will have more time now that he is graduating, and he will do everything i want on my list, and that he will find a new job and earn more money, and that life is crappy and hungry without him And that he is never gonna do those mean things again like pushing or swearing. Sigh. So he convinced me to give him a third chance.


After that we went to that nice park i'd been bugging him to go to every time it was nice weather. We had a wonderful time walking around, making pictures and laying in the sun in tall grass, it was lots of fun, and actually very secluded cuz grass is so tall and the park is so big and the sun was so nice. We had a great time. Hubby admitted he should have gone a lot sooner, cuz he turned out to like it so much


See, what happens if i tell him!

[Welder]

Sounds nice Aloe.  Reparations have to start somewhere.  Perhaps this is the bginning of a good run.

[Boethius]

So um.. I told hubby that i was leaving him. He didn't get sad. He was joking about it all day. And he also got three times more affectionate. And he stayed at the table while i finished eating, while he normally tries to run off He said he wants to appreciate every moment we have together and asked that we stay as we usually are until i move out. I sure got hugged a lot That was nice. With hubby actually paying attention and spending time with me, i started feeling unsure again. Sigh. Hubby wrote down the list of things i want him to change. He said he's gonna work hard on them and win me back.


We had already made an appointment to look at a studio. Hubby said he'd sign the rent contract for me to rent it (cuz i don't have a job and my parents would be paying). We went to see the studio this morning. It looked nice on pictures, but in real life it was horribly run down and filthy filthy filthy. And super expensive. Shocking. So i didn't want it, and we left.


The night before this we actually had a mini argument. I said to him that his pushing makes me feel scared and afraid for my physical safety. He said i have no reason whatsoever to think he's ever gonna hurt me, cuz it was never his intention to hurt me. I said that it doesn't matter what his intention was when he pushed me, it makes me feel fear, like base primal fear that comes without any thinking whatsoever. He insisted that it doesn't matter because it was never his intention to hurt me. That is some very strange reasoning on his part. It doesn't matter how it makes me feel and all that matters is that he never intended to hurt me. Sigh.


Anyway, on the way back from the crappy studio hubby held a beautiful speech, on how everything is going to change. That he will have more time now that he is graduating, and he will do everything i want on my list, and that he will find a new job and earn more money, and that life is crappy and hungry without him And that he is never gonna do those mean things again like pushing or swearing. Sigh. So he convinced me to give him a third chance.


After that we went to that nice park i'd been bugging him to go to every time it was nice weather. We had a wonderful time walking around, making pictures and laying in the sun in tall grass, it was lots of fun, and actually very secluded cuz grass is so tall and the park is so big and the sun was so nice. We had a great time. Hubby admitted he should have gone a lot sooner, cuz he turned out to like it so much


See, what happens if i tell him!

Do you believe he took you seriously, Aloe?  Your first paragraph tends to indicate either he knew this was coming, or he doesn't believe you will leave him.   Keep the communication open, don't bottle things up.
 
 
 
 

[Gator]

See, what happens if i tell him!

Yes, express yourself!  It seems he does not want to lose you.   
 
He will not suddenly become perfect; however, look for an ever improving trend (three steps forward, only one step backward).  And when he does something wrong, look for remorse, not an explanation.  For example, his explanation that "...it doesn't matter because it was never his intention to hurt me" is not remorse.  He has much work to do.
 

      Hubby wrote down the list of things i want him to change. He said he's gonna work hard on them and win me back.   

To encourage him to keep working on the relationship and improving, ask him to list what you do that gives him stress.  I'm not saying you did something wrong, yet we all do things that stress our partner.  If he is trying to change, so should you. 
 

[LAman]

I am just going to be blunt here.....Aloe you are a fool if you go back to hubby instead of following through and getting your own place.  It is called ....saying what you mean and meaning what you say!!! It will show an inner strength to hubby and to yourself and show you are taking control of your life!!!!! I am not saying get a divorce, you can always still work on the marriage while you are apart....maybe with a clearer mind.
BTW....isn't it amazing the tricks men use to circle the wagons....its an old trick when I guy feels he is losing something and does everything in his power to bring it back infold.....say anything, do anything.....and after sometime things go back to normal. some girls even fall for it. No....I'll never have another drink, No, I'll never cheat again....No, I'll never threaten again.......No, I'll never hit again....
In baseball, its three strikes and your out.....
I do wish you my best Aloe, what ever you decide!!!  

[Ooooops]

Hmmmm...  It sounds to me  that hubby was actually looking forward separation and romantic wooing to win Aloe back...

[ML]

Hmmmm...  It sounds to me  that hubby was actually looking forward separation and romantic wooing to win Aloe back...

'Make-up' sex is usually pretty steamy.

[Ooooops]

'Make-up' sex is usually pretty steamy.

Yes, and a sadist and a masochist make perfect couple, as the  saying goes...

[ML]

Yes, and a sadist and a masochist make perfect couple, as the  saying goes...

Ouch, you just put a damper on my pleasant mood!!

The very thought is pretty repulsive.

Never heard that saying . . . but understand the logic.

[Ooooops]

Never heard that saying . . . but understand the logic.

Really?   Makes perfect sence, yes. 

[Larry1]

Yes, and a sadist and a masochist make perfect couple, as the  saying goes...

A FSU connection: the tour guide in Lviv told us that the man for whom masochism was named lived there.  His house is now a restaurant that has a whips and chains theme.  It's called the Masoch Cafe. Here's a photo of a girl who was soon to be getting married.  She and some her of friends had sort of a bachelorette party that day.  She sat down next to me so her friends could take a photo of her with the big shackles and chains there.



Here's a writeup about the place:

Masoch Café is a tribute to Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, a well-known Lviv writer from whose name we get the term masochism.  Here you can enjoy sitting on a chair shaped like a woman’s corset under w****house-red lighting, while huddled around small tables that create an intimate atmosphere and bring close friends closer together. Multiple TV screens will titillate you with provocative videos, so think twice before taking your small children here. At Masoch you can even get a personal whipping by one of the corset-clad waitresses – just make sure that your friends don’t share a video of it on Facebook.

http://lvivalive.com/masoch-cafe

[facetrock]

I never like whips or chains. I'm more of a whipped cream guy.

[newjason]

I am just going to be blunt here.....Aloe you are a fool if you go back to hubby instead of following through and getting your own place.  It is called ....saying what you mean and meaning what you say!!! It will show an inner strength to hubby and to yourself and show you are taking control of your life!!!!! I am not saying get a divorce, you can always still work on the marriage while you are apart....maybe with a clearer mind.
BTW....isn't it amazing the tricks men use to circle the wagons....its an old trick when I guy feels he is losing something and does everything in his power to bring it back infold.....say anything, do anything.....and after sometime things go back to normal. some girls even fall for it. No....I'll never have another drink, No, I'll never cheat again....No, I'll never threaten again.......No, I'll never hit again....
In baseball, its three strikes and your out.....
I do wish you my best Aloe, what ever you decide!!!

I'm with LAMan on this one.

By going back to him , you just sent the message that everything is ok if he just says a few nice words and tells you what you want to hear.
I suspect that his laughing at you saying you are going to leave is evidence that he knows that you will not follow through with your threats and you proved him right.


Example:
When a cheater cheats, and his wife takes him back, that just sends a message to the cheater that he can get away with it , because he did it , and she took him back.  So therefore there is no motivation to change anything. So he will continue to do it, and she will always come back in his mind , despite the threats and all the words, her actions prove that what he was doing is ultimately forgivable.

Aloe you used the threat of leaving to get what you wanted and for now it worked.
It will only be effective so many times before it looses its power.
Then he will no longer chase you, because he knows you will come back.
Yea there is a lot of arguing and drama in between the lines, but when all is said and done, you are right back where you started. Again.

I wish for you happiness in whatever you decide to do.




Jason

[ML]

When a cheater cheats, and his wife takes him back, that just sends a message to the cheater that he can get away with it , because he did it , and she took him back.  So therefore there is no motivation to change anything.

I don't believe this, in the general case.

Depends on how she (or he) takes the partner back.

If just a shrug of the shoulders . . . then yes you are probably correct.

If 'taking back' after a serious talk with words as to the consequences of a repeat . . . then I disagree with your words.

If you were correct . . . then there would never be a need to try to repair any relationship . . . marriage counselors would not have a reason to exist.

[ML]

Aloe you used the threat of leaving to get what you wanted and for now it worked.  It will only be effective so many times before it looses its power.

I agree.  The same threat can only be used a limited number of times.

[fathertime]

So um.. I told hubby that i was leaving him. He didn't get sad. He was joking about it all day. And he also got three times more affectionate. And he stayed at the table while i finished eating, while he normally tries to run off He said he wants to appreciate every moment we have together and asked that we stay as we usually are until i move out. I sure got hugged a lot That was nice. With hubby actually paying attention and spending time with me, i started feeling unsure again. Sigh. Hubby wrote down the list of things i want him to change. He said he's gonna work hard on them and win me back.

 

The way I read this was he was going through a period of MANIA when you said you were going to leave him.  In other words he was energetic and delighted.  Maybe a lot more space would make you both very happy.


Fathertime! 

[LiveFromUkraine]

We all have our fingers crossed for good luck, Aloe.   

[Muzh]

So um.. I told hubby that i was leaving him. He didn't get sad. He was joking about it all day. And he also got three times more affectionate. And he stayed at the table while i finished eating, while he normally tries to run off He said he wants to appreciate every moment we have together and asked that we stay as we usually are until i move out. I sure got hugged a lot That was nice. With hubby actually paying attention and spending time with me, i started feeling unsure again. Sigh. Hubby wrote down the list of things i want him to change. He said he's gonna work hard on them and win me back.


We had already made an appointment to look at a studio. Hubby said he'd sign the rent contract for me to rent it (cuz i don't have a job and my parents would be paying). We went to see the studio this morning. It looked nice on pictures, but in real life it was horribly run down and filthy filthy filthy. And super expensive. Shocking. So i didn't want it, and we left.


The night before this we actually had a mini argument. I said to him that his pushing makes me feel scared and afraid for my physical safety. He said i have no reason whatsoever to think he's ever gonna hurt me, cuz it was never his intention to hurt me. I said that it doesn't matter what his intention was when he pushed me, it makes me feel fear, like base primal fear that comes without any thinking whatsoever. He insisted that it doesn't matter because it was never his intention to hurt me. That is some very strange reasoning on his part. It doesn't matter how it makes me feel and all that matters is that he never intended to hurt me. Sigh.


Anyway, on the way back from the crappy studio hubby held a beautiful speech, on how everything is going to change. That he will have more time now that he is graduating, and he will do everything i want on my list, and that he will find a new job and earn more money, and that life is crappy and hungry without him And that he is never gonna do those mean things again like pushing or swearing. Sigh. So he convinced me to give him a third chance.


After that we went to that nice park i'd been bugging him to go to every time it was nice weather. We had a wonderful time walking around, making pictures and laying in the sun in tall grass, it was lots of fun, and actually very secluded cuz grass is so tall and the park is so big and the sun was so nice. We had a great time. Hubby admitted he should have gone a lot sooner, cuz he turned out to like it so much


See, what happens if i tell him!

Ick.

This man does not only take you for granted, he is a major manipulator.

Between you and me, be careful when he realize he is plan is not working.

[facetrock]

  Aloe I think your husband looks at you like one of his video games. Your a toy to make him happy once in awhile. The only problem he has with you is you need to be rebooted to work properly once in awhile. He just rebooted you again.

[Vasilisa]

Anyway, on the way back from the crappy studio hubby held a beautiful speech, on how everything is going to change.

Aloe, between you and me (and other thousands of readers of the forum) don't believe beautiful speeches, believe beautiful actions....

[southernX]

I'm with LAMan on this one.

By going back to him , you just sent the message that everything is ok if he just says a few nice words and tells you what you want to hear.
I suspect that his laughing at you saying you are going to leave is evidence that he knows that you will not follow through with your threats and you proved him right.


Example:
When a cheater cheats, and his wife takes him back, that just sends a message to the cheater that he can get away with it , because he did it , and she took him back.  So therefore there is no motivation to change anything. So he will continue to do it, and she will always come back in his mind , despite the threats and all the words, her actions prove that what he was doing is ultimately forgivable.

Aloe you used the threat of leaving to get what you wanted and for now it worked.
It will only be effective so many times before it looses its power.
Then he will no longer chase you, because he knows you will come back.
Yea there is a lot of arguing and drama in between the lines, but when all is said and done, you are right back where you started. Again.

I wish for you happiness in whatever you decide to do.




Jason

it is the individuals responsibility to take a long hard look at themselves and want to change something within or their behaviours if they so deem it is required
hence the cheater example is not  quite right ,

a cheater will only stop if they really understand the resulting issues it causes  and then wish to change their own behaviour . most dont and then cannot follow through on the agreed changes required

it also true most of the partners of cheaters , find it very hard to let go of the pain and hurt they have felt , the need to ''know '' or punish a cheater is very deep most times

it is also true usually that most people wont look to affect real  change in their lives until it becomes critical for some reason , even then , many dont

maybe aloe you are at break point with this relationship ?

one rule of thumb is ''to start out as you mean to continue ''

once you affect some positive changes ,both of you need to stick with them in the relationship or you will be back at starting point pretty quickly

SX

[newjason]

I don't believe this, in the general case.

Depends on how she (or he) takes the partner back.

If just a shrug of the shoulders . . . then yes you are probably correct.

If 'taking back' after a serious talk with words as to the consequences of a repeat . . . then I disagree with your words.

If you were correct . . . then there would never be a need to try to repair any relationship . . . marriage counselors would not have a reason to exist.

If people stuck by their words without wavering this would be true.
But the reality is that a lot of people do not stick by their words and very often say one thing and do just the opposite. 

Either by a shrug or serious talking , the end result is an unspoken  message of actions.  Emotions aside, simply seen, words mean squat, actions are what results are measured by.

Maybe he will change.
Maybe Aloe is an evil genius.
Time will tell.