Ice cold behavior on first meet

[2tallbill]

There shouldn't be much to move on from.   You met this girl once.      

He spent months talking to her on skype and (wisely or not) invested some
of his time, treasure and emotions in her. He was coldly shot down and his
ego took a blow.


However, it's now time to dust himself off and move on. Next time likely
he won't so easily invest his emotions in a girl before meeting her. He has
an excellent chance to learn greatly from this experience.


Just my two kopecks,


Bill

[LAman]

 


However, it's now time to dust himself off and move on. Next time likely
he won't so easily invest his emotions in a girl before meeting her. He has
an excellent chance to learn greatly from this experience.

This was his 'next time' and he still hasn't got over  the ex yet. now stuck on 2 ex's......and when he gets to the next letter(alphabet) he can find out 'Y' this is happening to him....... 

[JohnDearGreen]

What we have here is a guy that really needs someone like Eduard to take him to someplace like Almaty.   Excuse the plug.

[LiveFromUkraine]

He spent months talking to her on skype and (wisely or not) invested some
of his time, treasure and emotions in her. He was coldly shot down and his
ego took a blow.



Bill

Exactly.  He built up a fantasy in his head before he met her.  Getting over it is all in his head as well.   Regardless, if he doesn't fix what he needs to fix he will continue to have problems with women.


Sometimes we are more upset about the lost of an idea rather than the reality of the situation.

[LiveFromUkraine]

What we have here is a guy that really needs someone like Eduard to take him to someplace like Almaty.   Excuse the plug.

No, that is the last thing he needs.

[Gator]

would it too much to ask this girl, a month or two after,  why she rejected me?  I'll frame it in a  way of self discovery and not like a way of begging.

You obviously are not employed as a salesman.   You will never know her feelings unless you ask, so ask.  But do it as soon as you return home.  By the time you return the cold fish should have thawed.  Be sure to ask her as a friend, not as a petulant, argumentative suitor.  Agree with everything she says, and maybe she will reveal much. 
 
YB, I am sure the cold fish left many clues.    Make a list and study it.   You knew your -ex for a long time.  I am sure when you broke up that you -ex gave you many clues.  Make a second list.  Compare and look for overlap.   
 
Perhaps you are attracted to the wrong type of woman, at least wrong for you.  Many people go through a divorce and a year later are in a relationship with someone similar to the -ex. 
 
Women are complicated.  Maybe you simply do not have enough experience with serious dating or with having women as friends.
 
All we can do is guess.  For sure each of us has blind spots.  A couple of sessions with a good psychologist for men will perhaps help your thinking.
 
 

[Ooooops]

Better off not to pursue this "but why???" routine, girl might get bored with it and give an answer that will require much more than just couple of trips to a shrink to fix person't ego back... 

[Ade]

I think it is very unlikely that you would get an answer that would help you. Women LIE, whenever it is convenient for them to do so; but especially around issues of emotions and the heart.

Lol @ mysoginist man.

Do you actually believe half the bollocks that comes out of your mouth? Really, it's no wonder you're single and had to date non-native speakers.

[Patagonie]

He spent months talking to her on skype and (wisely or not) invested some
of his time, treasure and emotions in her. He was coldly shot down and his
ego took a blow.


However, it's now time to dust himself off and move on. Next time likely
he won't so easily invest his emotions in a girl before meeting her. He has
an excellent chance to learn greatly from this experience.


Just my two kopecks,


Bill

Nice post 2talbill

[Patagonie]

well I used to think I was confident and secure but I've been in a dating slump.
I actually  have been working the alumni clubs but I get one or two dates each, where I  think we have a good time,  but then radio silence.I  went out with this Russian girl from Stanford,  and she sent me a text saying I was great guy,  etc.  when I thanked her for the effusive reaction,  asked her for another date,  some place romantic,  she went silent...
I have been frustrated over the whole thing and this whole nuclear reaction really  sucked.  the vacation had been great,  and I'm looking forward to moving on.

When you write this,
now i am sure that you have something to work on you about your seduction and how "to handle" women.
When a girl starts telling you during the dating phase that you are a great/nice guy, it means that you are already dead, as the end of story proved it.
You have to work, and you can improve yourself, but it is  a huge process, however it is very rewarding and also you will feel better, stronger, more confident. When your frame changes, many things around change.
It is one lesson in my life : rather than to wait people change around me i tried as possible to make some move. And the most surprising is that it often pushes others to change also.

[Patagonie]

Lol @ mysoginist man.

Do you actually believe half the bollocks that comes out of your mouth? Really, it's no wonder you're single and had to date non-native speakers.

Personaly i believe 100% of what comes from his mouth because this is the true reality of relationships, particulary with AW. With FSU women things are more frank, especially if you really ask the question with insistance.
A lot of women, about gender relationships, don't tell you what they think and don't think what they are telling you.
It is why Youngbuck, and i appreciate your desire to improve yourself and learn from your mistakes, your wish to ask her "what i did wrong" has very few chances to meet an honest answer (and with an AW for never).
 
You also know i hope  that lying is rooted in every person. In average a study reveals that we lie minimum twice a day.

[GQBlues]

...Personaly i believe 100% of what comes from his mouth because this is the true reality of relationships, particulary with AW. With FSU women things are more frank, especially if you really ask the question with insistance.....

Patagonie-
 
You likely didn't understand the exchange well enough to either agree or disagree.
 
But regardless, I'm with Ade. If Slumba is convinced that when ALL women find it convenient to 'lie' on matters of the heart, they'll do so; shapes the teller of the tale far more than the tale itself.
 
I'll give you an example: if any man can only manage to get dates from fat and ugly women, or is only on a socially passable level to date fat and ugly women - then is it really true that ALL women are fat and ugly?
 
 
 
Besides, if you really believe ALL women are prone to lie when convenient, why on earth chase them in matters of emotions and the heart to begin with? Not only that, do so with women whose language is other than your own?
 
Pretty stupid logic, don't you think?
 
 

[Konfushus]

Besides, if you really believe ALL women are prone to lie when convenient, why on earth chase them in matters of emotions and the heart to begin with? Not only that, do so with women whose language is other than your own?
 
Pretty stupid logic, don't you think?

No. It's good logic. If you can't understand what a chick is saying, doesn't matter if she lies or tells the truth, right?

[Konfushus]

To YoungBuck -

The more you post, the more it sounds like you're insecure and have a hard time reading women. Like Patagonie pointed out, the text message saying 'you're a great guy' was a typical 'let you down easy' blow off.

Do you feel comfortable and self assured on your dates, or a bit awkward trying to do or say 'the right things'?

I think you would benefit having an honest 3rd party observe your dating behavior, some kind of dating coach if that exists. 

[YoungBuck]

You obviously are not employed as a salesman.   You will never know her feelings unless you ask, so ask.  But do it as soon as you return home.  By the time you return the cold fish should have thawed.  Be sure to ask her as a friend, not as a petulant, argumentative suitor.  Agree with everything she says, and maybe she will reveal much. 
 
YB, I am sure the cold fish left many clues.    Make a list and study it.   You knew your -ex for a long time.  I am sure when you broke up that you -ex gave you many clues.  Make a second list.  Compare and look for overlap.   
 
Perhaps you are attracted to the wrong type of woman, at least wrong for you.  Many people go through a divorce and a year later are in a relationship with someone similar to the -ex. 
 
Women are complicated.  Maybe you simply do not have enough experience with serious dating or with having women as friends.
 
All we can do is guess.  For sure each of us has blind spots.  A couple of sessions with a good psychologist for men will perhaps help your thinking.

My ex wanted a more exciting guy. It was funny, but she was quite boring. She didn't have any hobbies, or activities outside of school, and me. The reason why I dated her was because she wasn't the party girl, she didn't seem interested in all that jazz, and I knew I was a pretty stable guy.

That's where I post of my need to change. To fake it till I make it. I'm doing all these things for my own enjoyment yes, but I think there was always that little bit of fear that kept me from them.

Similarly, Russian woman could not let up of how she wanted stability, and a happy home. I would consider myself a good guy, and I wouldn't treat a woman bad, so I thought from everything, we would just simply blend together. I'm usually not weird around people, and I can keep a conversation on any topic going, because I read alot and done more than most.

These rejections just came out of left field. Russian woman said she wanted a best friend first then lover.
With my ex, the closer we got to sealing the deal, the more she wanted change. I saw that over the course of the year. She even went from being an avowed anti-Obama republican to an Obama supporter (I'm neither), so you understand what I mean about perplexing.

I was inflexible and I wouldn't grow/change with her. She grew increasingly frustrated at me, so I dumped her. We couldn't go 1 hr without her fighting over something stupid. I knew from mutual friends she wanted to get back with me but I was just so angry about her attitude.

Russian girl probably saw the same thing, and knew she was just growing up and exploring her world, and that I wouldn't be open to explore some of those places with her (hell no to a devil's threesome, j/k). She just arrived at that conclusion faster than my ex.

That's the main thing I see in common, two girls who have just finished their schooling, seeing life for the first time, and they see me as an anchor instead of a sail. From being seen as a boring old man inside, perhaps a lecher on the outside now thanks to Russian woman, I can see my problem. I asked and all my friends say I'm a great guy; but yet none wanted to date me. That just means I'm not attractive, not charming. The ironic part is that these young girls overplay their hand, and by holding out for the elusive price charming, squander the best years of their beauty, and thus end up settling anyhow.

Anyhow, I'm back in los Angeles.

[Boethius]

To fake it till I make it.

Don't do that.  Be the best you, and look for someone whose life views are compatible with yours.  You don't have to have identical interests, but you do need to have similar perspectives on the big things in life.  If you do this, eventually, you will find a woman who will love you for you, not some second rate copy of someone else.

[Ooooops]

Problem with trying to date smart girls is that they see right through "fake it till I make it" 

[Slumba]

I didn't mean for there to be a flamefest. 

When I say women "LIE" I mean it in the senses of:

1.  A woman may not know, exactly WHY she feels a certain way about you, either positive or negative.  If she doesn't know, she can't describe it to you, of course, so she might say something but it is not the real reason.

2. Many women will try to "soften the blow" of rejection by using innocuous phrases that are ambiguous or so general as to not really give you an idea.  "You're not my type", "I just don't think of you in this way" etc.

There is also the rationalization that takes place, after a person (woman or man) does something.  The person tries to explain their behavior after the fact or after a mistake, such as "I really thought he/she was the one" (after meeting for 6 hours over 3 days, which most people would say is not enough time).  Cue the guys on the Adate tours that buy an engagement ring after 4 days of being in Odessa, for instance.

[jazztropy]

Is it women don't tell lies, but men often don't listen?

[Ade]

Is it women don't tell lies, but men often don't listen?

Often it's not that they don't listen, it's just that they don't know how to interpret what they hear correctly.

[Ooooops]

Often it's not that they don't listen, it's just that they don't know how to interpret what they hear correctly.

Don't know or don't want? 

[Ade]

Don't know or don't want?

Sometimes, I guess that's the case for some men. 

[TomT]

The ironic part is that these young girls overplay their hand...

Yes, they do and that plot has played out billions of times.


Be that as it may, inflexibility and international relationships are mutually exclusive. As a secondary issue, the danger of building your hopes on an early-twenties girl just smacked you in the face. The solution to this problem is NOT getting involved with a teenager, by the way.

[GQBlues]

OP-

This is the MOB. Heck even 70 year old farts gets hooked up in this adventure.

At 30 year old, if you're still searching how to relate to what is otherwise a very basic, primal dance that many if not most 17-year olds had already figured out, then the problem is YOU. It isn't the women. YOU are the constant figure in ALL your relations/relationships. That's the simplest clue you should pay attention to.

Your own body had been giving you this very basic clue right at the same time it started giving you pubic hair, man.

Break out of the nerd shell and enjoy the world for what it truly is. I know, I know...the band of geeks will tell you the nicest, most charming, most beautiful gals are nuts about guys like you. Or something stupid like, there's a gorgeous woman for every nerd. Heck, they'll even come up with some stupid verbal/philosophical crap about how guys like you are somehow so much better than any badboy those gorgeous women are laying down. Well, better hold on to that silliness and wait for that gal to come and break down your door. She should be coming from Planet Sfxexzes-II any day now.

But they know as well as you, at 30 , you shouldn't be living endless blueball nights like you have been doing.

There use to be a time where I wondered what kind of conversations do those group of men have that one usually sees standing in corners just gawking at the women in the room. Keeping to themselves outside of the occasional hoots and howler. Then they repeat the same modus operandi every single freaking time they go on a prowl.

Reading your posts, and others like you, does kind of give me some idea. that's so darn entertaining for me these days, through fora like this, I finally get to *hear* (see) what those conversations are (were) all about. 

Lather, rinse and repeat. The more things change, the more they remain the same.

I couldn't care less if you find what I'm telling you to be blatantly sour because you're the one who have that women-repellant cloud hovering over your head. So when these guys tell you to move forward as though they're giving the secret password to eternal lay, ask them one simple question...

'Move forward where and how?'

[LiveFromUkraine]

'Move forward where and how?'

My opinion of course, but...


I think he should not be looking for a relationship and should be dating as many girls as possible.  Get turned down as much as possible.  Start socializing with people outside of his normal friends.  Hell, make friends with more women.


I think there are a lot of guys like YB out there.  The toughest thing is breaking out of his shell and opening himself up to other people who he may/may not have a lot in common with.


The fact that he went to Russia means he is doing that.  I hope he continues to try new things and hopefully learn from his experiences.  I think the more experiences he has, the better he can gain wisdom from them.