Kid or no kid

[wallm]

I am about to begin my journey on finding a wife. I am 51, divorced with an 18 year old son. I am debating what to do about women with kids. The primary concern I have is language. I would think a kid with limited English skills will have difficulty assimilating into the US Education system. What has your experience been? I would have no objection to a lady with adult children. I just wonder about someone in her late 30s with a child who is 9-10 years old. Coming here to new culture, different language, etc has to be awfully tough on the kid. If the kid is 4 years old, it would be a lot easier to start learning the language before Kindergarten.

Also, I see a lot of these women are highly educated. Doctors, lawyers, economists, etc. But they lack fluency in English. How do they cope with jobs when they get here to the US? For example, a doctor in Ukraine or Russia will have to go through the USMLE exams etc to even get a residency here, essentially starting over. With English skills problem, it could near impossible to become one here. That has got to be difficult for them to cope with.

Thanks for your feedback.

[BillyB]

Welcome to the forum wallm,

The younger the child, the easier it is to adapt. Even foreign kids who are teens adapt better than their parents. There is a lot of Russian and Ukrainian immigration where I live and I've talked to many of all ages. The ones who have the hardest time to adapt are the elderly and would like to move back home if their kids weren't living here.

Many educated ladies will have to essentially start over if they want to work the same profession here as they did back home. Know your woman and expect to pay for college if that is what she wants. If she's motivated and studies hard, she will finish that education and the financial returns will be worth it.

[Gator]

Wallm,

Welcome to RWD!

I have experience with four different Russian children.  Just as Billy wrote, the younger  they are, the faster they will acclimate.  Their minds are like sponges for language.  They pick it up at school, from television, and from new friends.  The only impediment they have is their mother continuing to talk with them in Russian.   

[Boethius]

Kids of all ages learn languages easily.  I would not take the age of the child into consideration at all.

[John of Hesperia]

   The only impediment they have is their mother continuing to talk with them in Russian.

My understanding is that as often as not, the child ends up helping teach its mother to speak English.

[alex330]

We know several women that moved over with kids around the age of 9. No issues at all, they learned the language and adapted mush faster than their mothers. I would not worry about it.

[wallm]

Good to hear the kids learn the language fast. How does that affect their Language Arts classes? For example English classes where they are expected to not only read but also infer from what they read, etc. Are they placed in some sort of English as second Language classes? Since pretty much everything is in English except for Foreign Language requirements, do these kids start at lower grade here once they come over, say a kid who was in 4th grade in FSU, start here at 3rd or 2nd grade even?

[alex330]

Good to hear the kids learn the language fast. How does that affect their Language Arts classes? For example English classes where they are expected to not only read but also infer from what they read, etc. Are they placed in some sort of English as second Language classes? Since pretty much everything is in English except for Foreign Language requirements, do these kids start at lower grade here once they come over, say a kid who was in 4th grade in FSU, start here at 3rd or 2nd grade even?

We live in South Florida so many children whose native language is not English. They are put into ESL classes one hour a day. Maybe given additional help or after school if required. Some classes they struggle due to language of course, but others like math they are years ahead of the US students.

[ML]

With children coming with their mothers to USA . . . language is not the concern.

However, many of the marriages are undone by the actions of the children and the resulting reactions of the protective and coddling mothers.

[southernX]

Wallm

A child will learn the language fast enough  no matter what their age 

They will sponge up the knowledge and speak it quicker &better than mums usually

Dont be worried mum will be soft etc either , my wife is much harder on her child than i have ever been & im no pushover with kids

Look for  a lady you can build a future with , bond with her child and take it softly , let her guide you in how she disciplines her child , advise he rof your thoughts and boundarys with child rearing , but dont dictate terms

SX

[wallm]

Are there complications with custody of this kids? What has been your experiences there? I  assume some ladies may have joint custody and may not be able to take the child out of the country to live in the US. Then what? Couldn't the ex-husband prevent removal of children?

[southernX]

Wallm

Custody was never an issue with my stepson ,however it is something serious that you should definitely discuss early on with any lady that may have children

you might find that the ex-husband/partner /father  has moved , died or totally lost contact with his children .

But it is best to make proper discovery as soon as possible imo

SX

[jone]

I know that this is a harsh critique, but it will be the most valuable thing you hear:

If the father is involved in the child's life in any way, you should move on to the next woman.  I have some experience in this and it is a losing situation because you will be an outsider with a home thousands of miles away.  That will make you enemy number one.   The husband only has to protest to the authorities and your future step child will never set foot outside the country unless he obtains a visa illegally.  The woman may not be being responsible either. 

It is a tight rope to walk, trying to find out the woman's child's relationship with the ex.  But your future happiness depends on it.

[BillyB]

Are there complications with custody of this kids?

Fathers have rights over there. They have prevented children from leaving and there has been couples that have broken up when the woman has to choose her child or a life with a man.

There are ways to motivate a father to sign the paperwork allowing the child to leave the country. You can hire some thugs to threaten the father with physical harm. You can hire high powered attorneys to strip the man of his rights in court. You can bribe the father with money or you can sit down with the father and tell him you will do your best to help his child grow and promise to let the child visit often. Some women have even threaten to leave the child with the father which scares some men who don't want fully custody and the responsibility and financial burden that comes with it. All these methods have been applied at one time or another and many of them successful.

If you're lucky, you will find a woman with a child who's father missing from their life. It's the fathers that care about their child that will be the hardest to convince to sign the paperwork.  How ugly are you willing to get?

[JayH]

I know that this is a harsh critique, but it will be the most valuable thing you hear:

If the father is involved in the child's life in any way, you should move on to the next woman.  I have some experience in this and it is a losing situation because you will be an outsider with a home thousands of miles away.  That will make you enemy number one.   The husband only has to protest to the authorities and your future step child will never set foot outside the country unless he obtains a visa illegally.  The woman may not be being responsible either. 

It is a tight rope to walk, trying to find out the woman's child's relationship with the ex.  But your future happiness depends on it.

These words of advice from Jon should be a headline. Not only the father of the child( who may be a total deadbeat non contributor in any way )but his relatives can influence him to contest any issue.
In addition-- a girls family may have considerable influence over her leaving with a grandchild.
    None of this is to be underestimated-- if you search the forum you will see some very unhappy members here whose relationships were destroyed by these issues.
     You can also read the long battle through the court system that did end in total custody being granted to the mother who is now happily living in the US.None of that could be described as easy-- with many twists and turns for what looked like a walk up start.
    There is a crucial release document that the father needs to sign--or a court order effectively doing the same that allows a child to leave the country should almost be the first point of discussion before getting to involved.Many girls believe they have the right-and will say they have total custody-which in effect they physically have and 100% of the responsibility-but NOT the documents required to actually leave the country.
    I repeat--nothing should be presumed over any of this.

[southernX]

Key point wallm imo is you need to discover early on where the father fits in the life of her child

don't discard any/all women with kids automatically ,
do your discovery early and properly , then make your decisions on that

go in eyes wide open mate , don't just hope and believe it will all be ok

SX

[msmobyone]

I concur with the advice given to the OP

My step-son was 17 when he left Russia - and spoke better English than Mum
 
His first year was fraught with assimilating and he had a mid -Atlantic accent from watching too many cartoons - British kids thought he was American - which seemed to irritate him 

I see no issue with Mum speaking to kids in Russian - the kids will learn English in interactions at school and play.

As pointed out - Mum will take longer to learn English....

[dragonkid]

There are ways to motivate a father to sign the paperwork allowing the child to leave the country. You can hire some thugs to threaten the father with physical harm. You can hire high powered attorneys to strip the man of his rights in court. You can bribe the father with money or you can sit down with the father and tell him you will do your best to help his child grow and promise to let the child visit often. Some women have even threaten to leave the child with the father which scares some men who don't want fully custody and the responsibility and financial burden that comes with it. All these methods have been applied at one time or another and many of them successful.

And you can tell why some men do the fsu search, and why they attract hideous people into their lives.

[wallm]

Wow! I am not interested in these fights with the fathers. I suppose a lady with an older child like 18 and above will have less problems. Of course, no child at all is best. Last thing I want is heartbreak after finding one and then she chooses rightly so to not come here because of child not being able to leave.

[BillyB]

And you can tell why some men do the fsu search, and why they attract hideous people into their lives.

Most of the time it's the women that recommends the tactics to pry the rights from the father. They tell their western boyfriend the father is no good, doesn't see the child, not paying child support and is holding the child hostage and preventing them from being together. After the women describe their ex as the second coming of the Devil, guys come to the forum emotionally worked up and begins to bad mouth the other guy although they never met him. A normal guy who would normally never consider unethical methods to pry a child from their father would begin to consider it based on the recommendation of their sweet innocent fiancée. You'd be surprised what people will consider after they invested time, money, and emotion into a relationship only to see things held up at the last minute by a father exercising his right to have access to his child.

The sad thing is there are a lot of very good FSU women who was involved with a deadbeat father who doesn't care about their child. Their chances of remarrying are slimmer than if they had lived in a Western country.

[wallm]

Sheesh...last thing I want in my life is drama. I had extricated myself from one with a divorce. 
I see there are many women with no kids or kids who are grown. Probably those should my target. I would like to know from those of you who have spouses from FSU with children and how you managed to bring her here with an ex in the picture.

[wallm]

I see some FSU women have kids while being single. Do the fathers still have rights?

[JayH]

I see some FSU women have kids while being single. Do the fathers still have rights?

Yes-as I wrote above. If they are on the birth certificate-and /or capable of getting there-- they have the rights as set out above. Even when zero involvement or contribution to the childs life ( the ultimate deadbeat father) - they still have rights.
What I have said above is very often not well understood by girls and they presume they can do as they please-- so often quite a shock and distastefull to track a childs father down and try and get a signature.( etc etc)
BillyB comments above are factual stuff-- and worse. Not the worst thing that can happen-but deadbeat gets the idea there is a buck in it for him- getting held to distasteful ransom is often the easiest way. For those involved in any dispute- the stress is unimaginable.

[Gator]

I see some FSU women have kids while being single. Do the fathers still have rights?

Yes.

I concur with Jone's advice - follow it.

My wife has two children with two different fathers.  Neither father was involved with the child.  She was able to secure a sole custody document from the courts in a matter of a couple of months.  It helped that she had good contacts with  people high in government. 

You mentioned looking for women with children 18 or older.  I never thought of that option.   Thus,  you could start looking at women with children 16 or 17 years old, dependent upon how long you plan to date before deciding about marriage and the length of the immigration process. 

Be certain about the 18-yo age option before starting down that path.

Also, keep in mind that a 21-yo can not immigrate with the mother on a fiancée or spousal visa.  There is no quick way to get around this limitation, and it could take 10 years before the child could obtain an immigration visa.  So don't select women with 20-yo children or older.  Usually such children are already committed to a life in the FSU.

Good luck.

[Jumper]

Kids of all ages learn languages easily.  I would not take the age of the child into consideration at all.

Exactly. likely the least of your issue will be the child's ability to adapt.


The things you need to be certain of -
 Do you want more children, and ready to be a good step father?

Then make sure  that you are on the same page as far as parenting skills /styles/ outlooks.
 I married a very *western* minded , open minded  ,FSU women.
She actively searches for other outlook and opinions than those she grow up with. I looked for this personality type intentionally.It does
help make things relatively easy.

 I believe many people are not, and  many can have some views in this area that you may not be compatible with. Many are very unlikely to entertain the notion their ideology may not be 100% the only way.
Seen that family dynamic and attitude many many many times.
 
 My advice is to be absolutely certain you are both on the same page on this critical subject,
or of the personality types to be open minded and accepting to other views on it.