communication question

[BillyB]

then  asked if he was there, when he dint respond,  instead of naturally assuming he was  working, she decides to take offense and insult him.

No Jumper, she returned to their appointment to apologize, not to insult. His Skype was on so she asked if he was there but he ignored her. Sometime later he turned off his Skype according to Larry's posting and a half day later, she seen no response from him and only then said a real man won't take offense of such a little thing. She was right. He was pissed and took offense. He couldn't accept the apology and started to punish her with silent treatment before she insulted him unless you want to believe he turned off his Skype without reading messages.

Seriously Jumper, could you live with a person who would give you three days and counting worth of silent treatment for being 20 minutes late? I couldn't. It's all for the best that flaws are discovered before the first meeting.

[2tallbill]

I doubt you could poka/poka since you were on a phone/skype line.

But you could say or not say:  Paka  pronounced pahka.

пока in transliteration is poka

"The usual way to say goodbye in almost any situation is Do svidaniya! (duh svee-dah-nee-ye), which literally means "Till (the next) meeting." If you're on informal terms with somebody, you may also say Poka (pah-kah; 'bye or see you later)."
source Russian for Dummies

http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/saying-hello-and-goodbye-in-russian.html

[msmobyone]

Paka... as it's pronounced - means while ..  it assumes you'll be meeting / talking, soon and is familiar.

[Faux Pas]

Paka... as it's pronounced - means while ..  it assumes you'll be meeting / talking, soon and is familiar.

more like a "see-ya"

[Jumper]

No Jumper, she returned to their appointment to apologize, not to insult. His Skype was on so she asked if he was there but he ignored her. Sometime later he turned off his Skype according to Larry's posting and a half day later, she seen no response from him and only then said a real man won't take offense of such a little thing. She was right. He was pissed and took offense. He couldn't accept the apology and started to punish her with silent treatment before she insulted him unless you want to believe he turned off his Skype without reading messages.

Seriously Jumper, could you live with a person who would give you three days and counting worth of silent treatment for being 20 minutes late? I couldn't. It's all for the best that flaws are discovered before the first meeting.

 Billy, yeap,
  I admit I had the timeline screwed up ,and why I held that position so strongly.

I thought it was during the same day - his workday afternoon ,her late evening-
and part of why i thought that  is because the replies had date/time stamp ,
but the later ones no date stamp. (but around the same time)
 
So yeah to me the  timing of when she became offended is important,and I missed it.

Here it is:
****************************
guy: do you want to talk soon?
[8/15/2016 12:38:00 PM] girl: yes) after 30 min
[8/15/2016 12:38:16 PM]guy: sure, talk to you then!
[8/15/2016 1:15:22 PM] girl: wait 10 min
[8/15/2016 1:15:42 PM] guy: Ok
[8/15/2016 1:45:12 PM] *** Missed call from girl. ***
[8/15/2016 1:45:40 PM] girl: are u here? sorry-i was a little busy
[8/15/2016 11:50:59 PM] girl: hi)i think it is good that we hadnt time speak yesterday-couse today i woke up early(for Church) hope we speak today at 10pm,dont offence on me))

[12:24:06 PM] and i a little offence on you-why u dissapeared so quickly yesterday?
[1:14:44 PM] are u here?
[1:14:57 PM] i am ready to talk
[1:41:53 PM] u know-real man will not take offense on woman of such trifle

*******************


  Since that's apparently the next day around the same time  for them both I can understand her frustration if they normally talked at her time 10pm each day, and she had no reply as to why he was not there.

 Now she shouldn't have wondered why he disappeared yesterday, she knew quite well why,  and shouldn't have expected or assumed he had read every skype message.
So the insults  still seem misplaced until she could clear the other details up.
he could have been in the hospital for all she knew. Wait and find out .
  She did  know that when chatting with him, that he was at work and taking time away from his workday, and that his time to do so was limited and scheduled,
she simply * got busy* and expected him to sit and wait. That part's unreasonable.

 She did apologize and mention a meeting the next day,and was apparently on time for that meeting , then miffed he was not there , and probably more over him being silent. (fair enough)

 His reaction poured gas on the fire , as he could have returned to work -
but leaving the message- That he had to work, and that going forward they would have to schedule skype sessions at a time more appropriate for them both.
That he may not be able to make their 10pm time the next day as his schedule was too tight, so they'd set a time that was convenient for them both.
 So in that timeline, I probably would have kept in touch, as no harm in it,but 
I'd know i'd have options and she'd have to shine brighter to be the best one.
 The insults would have put me off regardless, but with the timeline it occurred in,
 if he had left any message that he couldn't talk until a new time was set up -
then she may not have done so. What if's are  hard to say.
Once she went there, I'd be done though.

Seems a classic miscommunication across time zones/cultures and two people
a bit too quick to take offense.
I'm sure it happens daily.

[LAman]

Billy, yeap,
  I admit I had the timeline screwed up ,and why I held that position so strongly.

I thought it was during the same day - his workday afternoon ,her late evening-
and part of why i thought that  is because the replies had date/time stamp ,
but the later ones no date stamp. (but around the same time)
 
So yeah to me the  timing of when she became offended is important,and I missed it.

Here it is:
****************************
guy: do you want to talk soon?
[8/15/2016 12:38:00 PM] girl: yes) after 30 min
[8/15/2016 12:38:16 PM]guy: sure, talk to you then!
[8/15/2016 1:15:22 PM] girl: wait 10 min
[8/15/2016 1:15:42 PM] guy: Ok
[8/15/2016 1:45:12 PM] *** Missed call from girl. ***
[8/15/2016 1:45:40 PM] girl: are u here? sorry-i was a little busy
[8/15/2016 11:50:59 PM] girl: hi)i think it is good that we hadnt time speak yesterday-couse today i woke up early(for Church) hope we speak today at 10pm,dont offence on me))

[12:24:06 PM] and i a little offence on you-why u dissapeared so quickly yesterday?
[1:14:44 PM] are u here?
[1:14:57 PM] i am ready to talk
[1:41:53 PM] u know-real man will not take offense on woman of such trifle

*******************


  Since that's apparently the next day around the same time  for them both I can understand her frustration if they normally talked at her time 10pm each day, and she had no reply as to why he was not there.

 Now she shouldn't have wondered why he disappeared yesterday, she knew quite well why,  and shouldn't have expected or assumed he had read every skype message.
So the insults  still seem misplaced until she could clear the other details up.
he could have been in the hospital for all she knew. Wait and find out .
  She did  know that when chatting with him, that he was at work and taking time away from his workday, and that his time to do so was limited and scheduled,
she simply * got busy* and expected him to sit and wait. That part's unreasonable.

 She did apologize and mention a meeting the next day,and was apparently on time for that meeting , then miffed he was not there , and probably more over him being silent. (fair enough)

 His reaction poured gas on the fire , as he could have returned to work -
but leaving the message- That he had to work, and that going forward they would have to schedule skype sessions at a time more appropriate for them both.
That he may not be able to make their 10pm time the next day as his schedule was too tight, so they'd set a time that was convenient for them both.
 So in that timeline, I probably would have kept in touch, as no harm in it,but 
I'd know i'd have options and she'd have to shine brighter to be the best one.
 The insults would have put me off regardless, but with the timeline it occurred in,
 if he had left any message that he couldn't talk until a new time was set up -
then she may not have done so. What if's are  hard to say.
Once she went there, I'd be done though.

Seems a classic miscommunication across time zones/cultures and two people
a bit too quick to take offense.
I'm sure it happens daily.

Jumper, Bo doesn't agree it was a communication problem.

If I remember correctly, the skypeing, was done for 2 weeks every other day? So maybe total of 7 and not sure how many on weekend??

I don't think either OP guy or girl in question had a grasp of their situation and problems that were incurring. If anyone here has ever spoke with a girl on other side of world this is always been something to be worked out--- a time when BOTH are able to comfortably speak. If you are at work.....that is not the best time to try to speak because of time limits. Since I am out and about with my job I was able to speak easily to a girl late morning/early afternoon and if we did not get chance to speak( on Viber), I merely left a message that I am busy with job or we can speak at XXXX time. No wondering as to what is happening with the other person. IMO, it is poor judgement to squeeze a call during break/lunch at work while sitting in one's car(for privacy) and if timing is not good on a certain day, don't leave message to other person that 'needed to go back to work talk to you tomorrow??' Lack of communication lead to an escalation of words. And as the OP guy did here, he took the easy way out of any situation....disappear and ignore.

[BillyB]

[1:41:53 PM] u know-real man will not take offense on woman of such trifle

I wouldn't even take offense to the above. Some people think the "real man" is offensive. Replace the phrase with "gentleman". I agree a gentleman wouldn't let a little issue bother him. We don't know if her actions to return late to a meeting were intentional to piss him off and she apologized for causing him inconvenience. I do not believe it was intentional. We do know his actions to piss her off were intentional. This guy will make others pay for a mistake regardless if he was issued an apology.

[Larry1]

Here is the wrap-up:

 "Having read the comments (thank you to everyone who commented), I did in fact decide to no longer contact her. After having explained carefully (she has good English and I made sure she understood) how I could talk to her when convenient to her, if she would set the times we chatted in advance, I felt the 2nd time in 1 week indicated that she either was undisciplined or just not interested in me. Perhaps it seems petty to simply stop; however my experience tells me to just stop and avoid any drama."

[Boethius]

Jumper, Bo doesn't agree it was a communication problem.

Correct.  It was the insult, which has a particular meaning to a Ukrainian.

[Faux Pas]

I wouldn't even take offense to the above. Some people think the "real man" is offensive. Replace the phrase with "gentleman". I agree a gentleman wouldn't let a little issue bother him. We don't know if her actions to return late to a meeting were intentional to piss him off and she apologized for causing him inconvenience. I do not believe it was intentional. We do know his actions to piss her off were intentional. This guy will make others pay for a mistake regardless if he was issued an apology.

As long as you're being hypothetical why not replace real man with asshole. Would you be offended then?

[BillyB]

As long as you're being hypothetical why not replace real man with asshole. Would you be offended then?

If I acted like the guy did, I would not be offended if I was called an asshole. Surely he didn't expect the silent treatment he gave her was going to get a positive reaction. Maybe he will use this method on any woman that comes into his life to manipulate her behavior? But you're not helping by defending him.

How many people have a business or work in service related fields? I've had people cancel meetings with me, not show up, or was even late and apologize. I didn't give them the silent treatment. If I did react in a poor way, they wouldn't be saying "a good businessman wouldn't be bothered by such little things. They'd ignore me or say worse. Next time try what this guy did to a person who you're trying to obtain their business and see how long you last on the job. What happened to this guy happens to everybody and the silent treatment is a poor reaction and a sure way to self destruct.

[BillyB]

I felt the 2nd time in 1 week indicated that she either was undisciplined or just not interested in me.

I'm not buying the part where she wasn't interested in him. It's easy to bring that up now since it's over. Apparently he thought she was worth it for him to promise to visit her.

Here is the wrap-up:

 "Having read the comments (thank you to everyone who commented), I did in fact decide to no longer contact her. After having explained carefully (she has good English and I made sure she understood) how I could talk to her when convenient to her, if she would set the times we chatted in advance, I felt the 2nd time in 1 week indicated that she either was undisciplined or just not interested in me. Perhaps it seems petty to simply stop; however my experience tells me to just stop and avoid any drama."

It seems petty to stop is because it is petty. You can't talk to us. You can't talk to her because you fear drama. How hard is it to tell her you've changed your mind about visiting her? Instead she spent days trying to contact you. Another reason I don't believe she's not interested in you as you claim. You've also given your fellow man a bad name being another guy that makes promises to visit and disappear without a word.

Will you continue the same program for the next lady? When something you don't like happens, you're going to give her the silent treatment and walk away from the relationship? You need to find the perfect woman that can do no wrong if you want no drama. When I was single, I was busy with women and well liked. You seem to add unnecessary drama in your encounters. Until you find perfection, get used to loneliness.

[Trenchcoat]

Here is the wrap-up:

 "Having read the comments (thank you to everyone who commented), I did in fact decide to no longer contact her. After having explained carefully (she has good English and I made sure she understood) how I could talk to her when convenient to her, if she would set the times we chatted in advance, I felt the 2nd time in 1 week indicated that she either was undisciplined or just not interested in me. Perhaps it seems petty to simply stop; however my experience tells me to just stop and avoid any drama."

To be honest I find that you can get a lot of small red flags in dating that often end being indicative of some problem/issue that you only find out further down the line. That said it is not necessarily a big issue, or can be explained but means that a girl that is potentially a decent date may not work out. I think though that even still you need to keep her in the game as you never know. 

[Faux Pas]

If I acted like the guy did, I would not be offended if I was called an asshole. Surely he didn't expect the silent treatment he gave her was going to get a positive reaction. Maybe he will use this method on any woman that comes into his life to manipulate her behavior? But you're not helping by defending him.

Acted like the guy did? Expecting a possible romantic interest to do as they said they would do? Especially when it comes to a meeting to get to know each other. In essence the same as a date. It wasn't a one time occurrence, either. I'm not defending him, I wouldn't have made a second cyber date. She came off as as the narcissist pretending the world revolves around her. Now your defending her is making all the sense in the world   

[BillyB]

She came off as as the narcissist pretending the world revolves around her.

If your wife said she'd be ready in 10 minutes but instead is late 20 minutes and apologized for the delay, you'd accuse her of being a narcissist and trying to make the world revolve around her? Real man will not take offense on woman of such trifle.

Now your defending her is making all the sense in the world   

Earlier I said there's nothing I've seen written so far that would make me want to visit her or get rid of her. She would remain one option our of many options I would have. I asked the guy a couple of times what he seen in this woman to make a commitment to visit her. He gave me the silent treatment. He talks about the woman's bad and doesn't mention any of her good.

[Faux Pas]

If your wife said she'd be ready in 10 minutes but instead is late 20 minutes and apologized for the delay, you'd accuse her of being a narcissist and trying to make the world revolve around her? Real man will not take offense on woman of such trifle.

Earlier I said there's nothing I've seen written so far that would make me want to visit her or get rid of her. She would remain one option our of many options I would have. I asked the guy a couple of times what he seen in this woman to make a commitment to visit her. He gave me the silent treatment. He talks about the woman's bad and doesn't mention any of her good.

No Billy now your making shit up or going totally hypothetical again, this was the scenario

At 12:38PM his time he asked her when she would be ready to chat. she said in 30 minutes, which would be
1:08. At 1:15 she texts over Skype telling him she could talk in 10 minutes. By 1:45 she hadn't gotten back to him, so he went back to his office to get some work done.

Hardly 10 minutes. She made the appointment at a specific time. She had done it the week prior. It's rude behavior and you are defending it. I suppose you are use to it. Many are not and do not excuse it.

[BillyB]

It's rude behavior and you are defending it. I suppose you are use to it. Many are not and do not excuse it.

Are you saying when your wife has been late a second time and apologized you didn't excuse it and the relationship is on thin ice? How many people went off on you the second time you were late and accused you of trying to make the world revolved around you? Not many. You're different.

If I were a defense attorney, the people in this thread are who I want to be on a jury. We read the same scenario differently. Some think the actions of the lady are criminal and others don't sweat it.

[southernX]

Seems a classic miscommunication across time zones/cultures and two people
a bit too quick to take offense.
I'm sure it happens daily.

agree , reading this thread , you get the impression people are putting their expectations and experiences  both negative and positive on both of these people , me included 

her understanding of English clearly is not perfect, it is well known many FSU people have a different regard to timeliness in every day life , the lady did ''apologise '' so she has demonstrated she knew she erred

he it might appear had higher expectation at such an early stage of the contacts , and imo , called it way too soon on her and was rude to not do the polite but hard withdraw directly with her

at the end of the day both will tend to lay the blame with each other , while both should go back and examine their role in what happened ,

I do tend to agree with a lot of billys comments on this guy , hopefully he will apply the experience to the next contact

this adventure takes time and patience , understanding , its hard enough without adding in extra difficulties .. he might next time around set up a time outside of his work hours that allows some flexibility to meet in Skype

I used to get up at 12.30am in the morning to talk with my wife in the early stages , because her ability to talk before 8 pm her time was too demanding , so I accommodated her , if I wished to talk every day , once I fell asleep early on and missed the appointment time , she just responded by advising me to sleep sweetly !!!!  such was her understanding  of my time constraints also

if I was a woman over there , id want to be very sure any man that may become my future husband was reliable and not prone to being so sensitive about small misshaps that can occur because of the nature of the game this early on 

if he expected me to move to another country & change my life to be with him and all the dramas that goes with that , he should be able to handle a 30 minute lateness on my part for which I apologised 


are we allowed to have any background on this bloke ??  how long has been looking ?  has he visited before ?? etc etc just curious

SX

[Larry1]

are we allowed to have any background on this bloke ??  how long has been looking ?  has he visited before ?? etc etc just curious

SX

He has been looking for several years and has several trips under his belt.

[Faux Pas]

Are you saying when your wife has been late a second time and apologized you didn't excuse it and the relationship is on thin ice? How many people went off on you the second time you were late and accused you of trying to make the world revolved around you? Not many. You're different.

If I were a defense attorney, the people in this thread are who I want to be on a jury. We read the same scenario differently. Some think the actions of the lady are criminal and others don't sweat it.

There you go making shit up again. I didn't say anything about my wife, did I? Stay on topic Bill and quit trying to inject your imagination into this guy's reality. The woman in question isn't his wife. He'll save himself untold grief if she never is, too. She's displayed extremely bad manners early in a budding relationship and attempted to point the blame to dude. That behavior is unacceptable. You can't put all the lipstick on that pig you like and it's still a pig. Keep digging Billy or accept that you are wrong. You look foolish and neanderthal

Defense attorney, really? Don't quit your day job. That's funny

[BillyB]

It seems the guy used Skype for chat purposes. Have they ever spoken to each other? I've used instant messaging sites like Mamba. It is normal for FSU women to go many minutes between messages. It normal for FSU women to log off without saying goodbye. Don't be insulted. I've done the same. Sometimes I leave the computer for many minutes to get something to eat or go to the bathroom. Most of the time I will announce I'm stepping away from the computer and sometimes I don't come back at my estimated time for whatever reason. Very few people get insulted by this online behavior. After reading some replies on this thread, it seems many men do. Glad I'm not writing to men.

[southernX]

He has been looking for several years and has several trips under his belt.

ah but no success so far ??  interesting result for him to date over that long a period larry ?

has our man here given any suggestions as to his lack of success so far ?

SX 

[Larry1]

ah but no success so far ??  interesting result for him to date over that long a period larry ?

has our man here given any suggestions as to his lack of success so far ?

SX

1. I think this result is fairly common these days. I've talked to few guys who succeeded with their first relationship.

Edited to add info from him. Both of his parents died and he had to take some time out of his search to address their estates.

2. I don't believe so.

[Faux Pas]

It seems the guy used Skype for chat purposes. Have they ever spoken to each other? I've used instant messaging sites like Mamba. It is normal for FSU women to go many minutes between messages. It normal for FSU women to log off without saying goodbye. Don't be insulted. I've done the same. Sometimes I leave the computer for many minutes to get something to eat or go to the bathroom. Most of the time I will announce I'm stepping away from the computer and sometimes I don't come back at my estimated time for whatever reason. Very few people get insulted by this online behavior. After reading some replies on this thread, it seems many men do. Glad I'm not writing to men.

There you go again making up stuff for this guy's scenario that didn't exist or wasn't mentioned. On point Billy, stay on point. In your normal narcissistic mode all about Billy again? 

[BillyB]

FP, when someone new on this forum doesn't like your advice delivered in your usual abrasive manner and announces he's leaving, you're the first to accuse the guy of having thin skin and won't get far with RW. Apparently you would take offence to a RW using the "Real Man" argument when you do something wrong, accuse her of being a narcissist wanting the world to revolve around her. Could it be you have the thinnest skin of us all? Relax and take a chill pill.