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Author Topic: Love Advice from the Start  (Read 1488 times)

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Offline mendeleyev

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Love Advice from the Start
« on: January 11, 2018, 12:16:58 PM »
This forum has plenty of successfully married men who have learned how to love their wives in meaningful ways. So, far be it from me to claim exclusivity on advice on how to love an FSU lady.

Here are a few things that I have learned along the way that may come in useful and I am certain that other married members will have additional insights, too.

- Starting out, read her profile! There are gemstones hidden in the terms she uses to describe her character, and what she seeks in a husband. If you find her attractive physically, set the photos aside and really delve into the description of herself and who she seeks. You may like what is revealed...or perhaps decide it better to move on to the next. Don't be distracted by a sexy photo. They're ALL sexy, so no worries.


- Russian women value loving words. I compliment often, and I vary those around her character, her value to me as a wife, her love for our children, and her professional efforts and accomplishments. I do compliment her beauty, but women tire quickly if the only thing we notice is their body. She is a whole package -- acknowledge it!


- But you must also remember that actions speak louder than words! Compliments stop cold in their tracks if your words do not match your actions. Saying that you love her child means nothing if you consistently work past the time of a child's ballet recital, school play, soccer game, etc.

I stand whenever she enters a room. It doesn't matter if in a public place, or at home when she enters a room to join me on the sofa. I stand out of respect, even during a football game on the televison. She is the most important person in my world, and so I pull out her chair, help clear dishes from the table, take out the garbage, change kitty liter, open doors, etc, and it is all designed to match actions to words.

A Russian/Ukrainian wife will add so much value and happiness to your life that some of the things listed above are just a drop in the bucket when compared to what she brings to your relationship. It is simply impossible to "out-love" most Russian or Ukrainian wives.


- Respect her: this takes on many forms, but perhaps nothing so aptly illustrates this as how you use her name. The Russian phrase Как вас зовут? literally means "How are you called?" but we understand it as "What is your name?" The object, вас, provides a big clue here: it is the formal form of "you" and introductions are most often formal in nature.

Lets imagine that the name of your lady is Aleksandra (Александра). That is what you should call her in every public situation unless she instructs otherwise. Call her that privately until she gives the signal to use a common nickname, like "Sasha" (Саша) in this particular example. Around others and in public however, use Aleksandra unless she says differently. It is an important cultural sign of respect in her world, and we often violate it simply due to lack of knowledge. She may expect that in formal situations you add her patronymic (her middle name is a form of her father's name), and to be safe you might ask.


- Learn about her culture. (See immediately above.) She immigrated to live with you in Canada, but she still grew up in her culture, not yours. This is a sign of respect, and also an insurance policy against those curious guys who meet her on a college campus, at work, or when she is out shopping. You always have an edge over the fawning, drooling, and clueless idiots (who might be more handsome or more wealthy) if you are the man who has invested the effort in understanding her world.


- Understand her view of love. There is a common Russian expression that you should study, meditate upon, and plan according. Ask her for her clues in this phrase. Trust me, she probably not only knows this phrase, but knows what it means to her.

It goes like this: Женщину надо любить так, чтобы ей и в голову не пришло, что кто-то другой может любить ее еще сильнее. (A woman should be loved in such a way that it never occurred to her that someone else could love her even more.)

Many marriages fail simply because we didn't grasp how she dreamed of being loved and were too busy in our own selves to recognize the warning signs that things were beginning to fall apart. But of course we later label her as a scammer and green card bride when the marriage fails.


These things do take effort, time and practice. They fly against the grain of the failed idea of 50-50, as in if she does her part, I'll do mine. Do not worry, if you do even 50% the chances are that she will outmatch it with 150% of her own.

Sure, there are exceptions and they are just that -- exceptions.
« Last Edit: January 11, 2018, 12:37:31 PM by mendeleyev »
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Online Davo2

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Re: Love Advice from the Start
« Reply #1 on: January 13, 2018, 08:32:34 PM »
What a great post!!
As much as many here are working their way through the minefield of finding their soulmate, those of us that have been married previously realise the greatest  challenge is maintaining a happy marriage and not letting it stagnate.
Thank you,  I'll definitely be putting some of your advice into practice :)

Online BillyB

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Re: Love Advice from the Start
« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2018, 05:12:16 PM »
Starting out, read her profile! There are gemstones hidden in the terms she uses to describe her character, and what she seeks in a husband. If you find her attractive physically, set the photos aside and really delve into the description of herself and who she seeks. You may like what is revealed...or perhaps decide it better to move on to the next. Don't be distracted by a sexy photo. They're ALL sexy, so no worries.





I just wrote women who looked beautiful. Saving time, I was able to write a ton of women. Reading a profile would slow me down but I did read the profile after a woman's first response letter came. Some women wrote thoughtful profiles. Some women kept a simple profile figured it best to learn about their man in correspondence.




Offline I/O

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Re: Love Advice from the Start
« Reply #3 on: January 15, 2018, 08:25:38 PM »
Mendy - I'm not well enough versed in Russian to comb your points in much detail but what I get from your post generally is summarised best with the word validation.

Everyone needs it but more so than ever, a woman out of her comfort zone, and if I have learnt anything from ten years of marriage it is that a young Russian woman in a foreign land is always, I repeat always, out of her comfort zone to an extent.

If you doubt me in any way, watch her body language when she is back amongst her own - she will be more comfortable. Hence my conclusion she will require, justified or not, continual validation.

Here's the kicker - try making her the most important thing in your life as you walk in the door after a horrible day and she has irritated the life out of you with senseless nonsense for the last week. Right when you feel like calling her out for the total b$$ch she has been recently is probably when she needs her butt kissing he most.

Good luck with finding the balance, it's not something I've ever done well.....


Offline southernX

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Re: Love Advice from the Start
« Reply #4 on: January 15, 2018, 08:37:32 PM »
mendy ...  totally on the money ime

IO , agreed   

  anyone who has been married for a while will know how sweet life is when your wife is in a good mood and happy .

when she is not  ;)  you will also know it , even more so with a fsu lady ime

i would add though they stick harder than shit to a blanket in the loyalty dept if you have met their key expectations , so any ups and downs can be survived if your actions have been true over time

SX
« Last Edit: January 15, 2018, 10:07:16 PM by southernX »
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Online BillyB

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Re: Love Advice from the Start
« Reply #5 on: January 15, 2018, 08:41:13 PM »



Yep, if Mama/Wifey isn't happy, nobody is happy.

Offline ML

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Re: Love Advice from the Start
« Reply #6 on: January 16, 2018, 02:54:05 PM »
they stick harder than shit to a blanket

Hey . . . this is not the place to be using such a word . . . and particularly  in today's political climate.
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Offline I/O

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Re: Love Advice from the Start
« Reply #7 on: January 16, 2018, 03:02:08 PM »
they stick harder than shit to a blanket in the loyalty dept if you have met their key expectations
I don't agree with this based on what I have seen - far too many are more accepting of possible divorce than their western counterparts, many even going into a marriage with this in the back of their mind as an viable option in my observations. Failure percentage is pretty high...

Offline GQBlues

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Re: Love Advice from the Start
« Reply #8 on: January 16, 2018, 03:33:26 PM »
I don't agree with this based on what I have seen - far too many are more accepting of possible divorce than their western counterparts, many even going into a marriage with this in the back of their mind as an viable option in my observations. Failure percentage is pretty high...


I share the same sentiment based on couples we know here where we are. The couples (FSUW/WM) we used to spend time with are all divorced. Just about 3 months ago, we attended one of the divorced FSUW's wedding with her new guy.
My wonderful rebuttal to the Prague Spring thread is now *relocated* again (being actively hidden, lol) in *Anything Goes* section, titled: Willy Waving. Hurry before she deletes it altogether. LMAO! Enjoy.

Online Davo2

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Re: Love Advice from the Start
« Reply #9 on: January 16, 2018, 08:08:42 PM »
I don't agree with this based on what I have seen - far too many are more accepting of possible divorce than their western counterparts, many even going into a marriage with this in the back of their mind as an viable option in my observations. Failure percentage is pretty high...

Can I ask if age might be a contributing factor?.... I have limited experience as I've only really talked to one woman who's in her early 40's.  She persisted in an abusive relationship with her Russian Ex, that not many western women would tolerate.  Despite this she was devastated when her ex left for another woman and would have done anything to keep her family together. Her friend, also in her 40's experience similar circumstances.
« Last Edit: January 16, 2018, 08:15:27 PM by Davo2 »

Offline I/O

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Re: Love Advice from the Start
« Reply #10 on: January 16, 2018, 09:40:42 PM »
Can I ask if age might be a contributing factor?
Age and a host of other things can of course be factors. 

Quote
She persisted in an abusive relationship with her Russian Ex, that not many western women would tolerate.  Despite this she was devastated when her ex left for another woman and would have done anything to keep her family together. Her friend, also in her 40's experience similar circumstances.
Honestly Davo, I'm as tired of these stories as I am the version from WM that all WW are selfish, take you to the cleaners opportunists.

Domestic abuse would, in all likelihood, be as prevalent in Russia as anywhere but what evidence do you have that the lady's story is correct or real? If it is real (and of course it can be), I would ask 2 questions - (1) What did you do that may have contributed to the situation and (2) What did you do towards stopping it / removing yourself from the risk. My guess would be plenty to (1) and not much to (2).

Frankly, the Russian relationships I know are ordinarily civilised and functional so I've never bought into the Abusive Russian Men stereotype.

I don't want to push a good thread off topic but rather point it back to Mendys thrust - a relationship with a RW will require plenty of (even beyond fair) maintenance. Their stickability is not a "given"...

Online BillyB

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Re: Love Advice from the Start
« Reply #11 on: January 16, 2018, 10:16:09 PM »



People who rush this process and marry strangers will have the highest divorce rates.

Online Davo2

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Re: Love Advice from the Start
« Reply #12 on: January 16, 2018, 11:41:06 PM »
Age and a host of other things can of course be factors. 
Honestly Davo, I'm as tired of these stories as I am the version from WM that all WW are selfish, take you to the cleaners opportunists.

Domestic abuse would, in all likelihood, be as prevalent in Russia as anywhere but what evidence do you have that the lady's story is correct or real? If it is real (and of course it can be), I would ask 2 questions - (1) What did you do that may have contributed to the situation and (2) What did you do towards stopping it / removing yourself from the risk. My guess would be plenty to (1) and not much to (2).

Frankly, the Russian relationships I know are ordinarily civilised and functional so I've never bought into the Abusive Russian Men stereotype.

I don't want to push a good thread off topic but rather point it back to Mendys thrust - a relationship with a RW will require plenty of (even beyond fair) maintenance. Their stickability is not a "given"...

You brought up some interesting points. My answer might not be what you were expecting  :)

First I trust her 100%, only due to the fact I'm not on this site because I made a conscious decision to marry a foreign woman, it was the last thing I expected to be considering.

We initially become pen friends and  supported each other through almost identical situations. An unexpected consequence is over the past year we built a fantastic emotional connection, so now we would like to meet each to see if we want to take it further.

We survived marriages with partners that were alcoholics and also suffered  bipolar disorder. In both cases the  symptoms of BP was serial infidelity, physical and mental abuse. The result left me with soul custody of our children by order of the court and she was the same, due to documented abuse. In both cases our children were estranged from our Ex's. This issue consumed a lot of our initial conversations, as well as sharing our experiences with with our ex's mental health issues.  I had some help from specialists to reconnect my oldest two teenagers, so with my advice and support last year her son started rebuilding his relationship with his  father.

We both admit we made mistakes during our  marriages, but anyone who has loved someone  with bipolar disorder (especially when they don't take their meds) will tell you, it's never an easy relationship and often you don't do enough to step away when the marriage is clearly failing. It's hard leaving someone you've had children with and have supported through mental illness. Again in similar circumstances our Ex's gave us a way out and left to live with their current affair partner. I basically kicked mine out, where as she tried to save her  marriage.

The reason I asked the question is that several times she said that many Russian women think that it's preferable  to stay in a unhappy marriage, than be alone and a single mother. She's changed her opinion now, but I got the sense it was the mindset of 40+ women.
« Last Edit: January 17, 2018, 12:39:20 AM by Davo2 »

Offline I/O

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Re: Love Advice from the Start
« Reply #13 on: January 17, 2018, 01:59:05 AM »
many Russian women think that it's preferable  to stay in a unhappy marriage, than be alone and a single mother.
From what I've seen, they don't hang around too long if the going gets tough, kids or not.

Offline mendeleyev

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Re: Love Advice from the Start
« Reply #14 on: January 19, 2018, 09:43:13 PM »
The validation point has merit. Lots of it, in fact.

A lot changes when she immigrates. Family is no longer just around the block. Her child is attending and struggling to adapt to a different school system. Young and handsome guys are hitting on her and she is making comparisons between the nice dude on campus who is near her age of 32 and she is going home to a 64 year old husband who was delusional in thinking that he was in shape and felt like 40.

On the phone, her friends back home are amazed that her husband is not wealthy. After all, Westerners are loaded with cash, right? How did she end up with an unsuccessful man? She would like to attend a ballet or see a theatre production, but he is glued to his sports team on the telly. She likes poetry but the only poems he knows begin with the line, "roses are red, violets are blue...."

She had a higher education back home. Maybe two degrees. But now she is being reduced to Community College classes to make up for what she supposedly missed because her degree as a pharmacist now qualities her as a Walmart greeter -- but not until her language skills improve.

Marriages in which the husband feels that he did his duty by traveling once, maybe twice, and paid for the paperwork so it is not necessary to take an active interest in her family, her homeland, her friends, her culture, and at least some basics in understanding her language, are typically among the first ones to implode within a year or so after arrival.

In the Soviet system, the one that raised her parents and set the tone for how she views marriage, was rife with "trade-up" or "step-ladder" marriages. This may not feel quite normal to us, but she grew up in that environment. A couple needs some anchors to hold them in place. Children really don't make the best anchors as others have noted, but some of the things I mention above are worthy of consideration.

For some couples an excellent anchor can be a shared faith. If a woman is married in the Orthodox church, it is a sacrament. There are spiritual consequences to violating that sacrament. Now it does not constitute a fool-proof remedy for divorce, but it is a worthwhile anchor for some. But that cannot be your only anchor. You need to develop as many as possible.

If you have become part of her world, entered her home multiple times, shared multiple meals with her family, developed friendships with her friends, admired the quality aspects of her culture and language, are comfortable spending time with her extended family, and admire her unique qualities as a person, and if you openly support and encourage her efforts to keep those cherished relationships alive, your chances for success are greatly improved.
« Last Edit: January 19, 2018, 09:48:21 PM by mendeleyev »
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Offline I/O

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Re: Love Advice from the Start
« Reply #15 on: January 26, 2018, 04:41:17 PM »
Mendy, may I add, "Want her" and show it, but never "Need her" - You'll be cannon fodder if you need her.

I'll leave the 64/32 thing as that's a no brainer and potentially leads us down the age gap debate yet again. 

 

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