Regaining Control

[Turboguy]

I have a friend who I met on one of my trips to the FSU who is now married to an FSU woman and is finding the road has a few potholes.  I have been trying to get him to come to RWD but so far I have not talked him into it.   He e-mails me talking about the problems and asking advice so I am looking for ideas I can pass along.

Here is the situation.  We have talked many times that the women from the FSU can be very strong willed.  My friend is an easy going guy and has tried to please his new bride.  This covers a new house, and most of what she has asked for.   She is pretty much wearing the pants in the family unfortunately.  She gets demanding, makes some coments about him that are not showing much respect.  She often does not sleep in the same room and I think one of his major complaints is that he is not getting enough.

To me, it would seem that it is important to set the tempo of the relationship early on and that once they start walking on you it would be quite tough to take the control back.  His marriage is important to him but he is not happy with the way things are going.   Anyone have any thoughts about how he should deal with it. 

[Michelangelo]

Advice for your friend....my opinion.

It's really an oxymoron.  FSU women ARE strong-willed. However, my experience is that they secretly yearn for a strong man who will take control of the relationship and lead.  I've seen this time after time.

My fiancee confirms that to me, both in actions and in conversation.

When they get bossy, you have to assert yourself and be even more demanding yourself.

They are looking for a man who will "tame them" and make them theirs...

To not take control would leave a pretty miserable life for both partners, I believe.

[KenC]

Turbo,
You left out the most important information: how long married?  Does she have her green card yet?
KenC

[catzenmouse]

Next time you see a topic here that has information you think he could use click on the "Send This Topic" to send it to him via e-mail. Maybe that will get him to make the step on over here.

It is way too hard to offer anything more than general advice without knowing more about the situation and the couple. We could throw out anything from "She's a GCG dump her!" to "Sit her down and talk with her about why she feels the way she does" to "Tell her to STFU and make him dinner!". Is any of this related to the reality of the situation? Probably not.

Ken

[jb]

I certainly agree with KenC, we need more information.

How long married?
How long was the courtship?  How many times did he visit her? Was he a OWW?
How many years age gap?
What is his education level?
What is her education level?
What was her profession in the FSU?

The part that I don't like is the withholding of sexual affection, this does not sound like a woman in love with her husband.  If she is behaving like this within the first year or two of marriage, i.e., during the "honeymoon phase", then I'd say your pal may have latched onto a GCG. 

[KenC]

jb,
Witholding sexual affection is the biggest red flag to me too, but we simply cannot logically give any input without the additional information.
KenC

[Rvrwind]

jb,
Witholding sexual affection is the biggest red flag to me too, but we simply cannot logically give any input without the additional information.
KenC

Ditto!!!

[Maxx2]

Sounds allot like my ex.

1) Disrespectful but demanding absolute respect for herself.
2) Sleeping in separate rooms.
3) Cutting back the sex and in my case (ask your friend, this too?) when it happened making it the most restrictive misrable sex a guy could ever get.
4) A push to get shared assets such as a house while all the while doing nothing to make the marriage work. This should cause a big "Hmmmmmmmmmmm????????"

I wrote this on GCG's. See # 4

1) Enter the country legally.

2) Marry (if not all ready married).

3) Then do ASAP the Adjustment of Status, EADs, SSA #'s, Driver's license or learner's permit.

4) Get a hold of his finances (I put the brakes on all this with mine as I knew a divorce was emminent) by getting joint checking accounts (that he will fund), credit cards (that he will pay), health insurance policies (that he will be required to maintain even after the separation) and name on the mortgage title (that will require him to split the equity during the length of the marriage) and other.

http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=845.0


Maxx

[Jet]

jb,
Witholding sexual affection is the biggest red flag to me too, but we simply cannot logically give any input without the additional information.
KenC

Agreed, *sometimes* sexual affection can be witheld due to issues of stability. If she feels her life is up in the air and completely out of her control (for whatever reason) then she won't generally be feeling all that affectionate. This can arise from a whole myriad of possible scenarios, but the most common I'VE seen is that the man uses US dating tactics to oversell himself, rather than the generally accepted advice we often offer here to downplay his status. She arrives to her new life in the US feeling a bit scammed...

[catzenmouse]

Jet,

 Very much on target here. Also want to add that even if you do show and tell everything about what is real here there are still those tidbits of belief in what Hollywood has been showing for years now. Plus there is now way to judge how the culture shock can change the perceptions/behaviors of the lady. None of this is an excuse, just more things to think about.

Ken

[Vaughn]

Turbo,

 Can you tell us if there are any children
in this portrait?

[BillyB]

TG,

Tell your friend to sign up here and he can remain as anonymous as he wants to be. He could be the problem or wife could be. How to fix an international relationship or the need to exit his relationship without a DV charge could be answered by some of the experienced guys here.

So far I'll just have to take your word that he is pleasing her in every possible way by buying a new house and everything she's asked for. Sounds like the guy is getting controlled big time.

[Maxx2]

The position the USCIS puts a guy in really makes it difficult to avoid being scammed and hurt if she is so inclined. One way to show you have a bona fide marriage to get her that Green Card is to commingle finances such as having her name on the title of the house. If a marriage fails that little detail becomes big and while he is pondering that she might be pondering on something that may never occur to him, that is DV for a GC. A guy needs to understand the full spectrum of the consequences in a failing marriage. Unfortunately most guys bury their heads in the sand.

Maxx

[BC]

The position the USCIS puts a guy in really makes it difficult to avoid being scammed and hurt if she is so inclined.

Huh? I'm confused on this one.

[Maxx2]

It means if a guy wants his wife to become a legal permanent resident ie: Green card holder, he needs to mix his finances with hers. This makes it difficult in the event of a divorce. Divorce in American being about two issues, child custody and money. When I seen the handwriting on the wall with mine a week after she got here I made sure I kept the financial entanglement to a minimum. Yeah we looked at houses to together but that was to keep her thinking there was a financial reward for her in the future while I was getting my lawyers prepped and papers together. I even had some detectives back in Russia making some discrete inquiries.

When the DV charges hit me 12 days after I filed for the divorce and separated it was my testimony of my step by step legal way of getting out of my marriage that kept the judge from throwing the book at me. On my wife's side she had her Russian friends helping her along with the women's shelter that they sent her too. It was a well prepared offence but I countered it with my "escape plan" defense. She asked for $1500 in spousal maintenance and a health insurance policy in DV court and the judge awarded her $0.00. The very last sight of her was walking down the hallway with her arms crossed, head bowed and two women from the shelter at each side. After that she got no legal help and asked that I pay for her attorney for a cost of $500.00. I did and he did about as much work for her as he was paid for. Divorce is war and if it looks like it is about to happen a smart guy will prepare for it in advance. I am way, way smarter than anyone here in this matter.

Also to there is a certain way to exit the marriage to minimise the risks of DV charges.

Maxx 

[Muj]

They need help.  Have they tried marriage counseling?  He needs a breather, maybe separate. 

[BC]

Yeah Maxx I see your point..  up to a point.

I guess it's probably not in the best interests of the Government to make it too easy for their citizens to get into and out of marriages with foreign partners.

Maybe the policy of deterrence is a good idea in the end.

[Manny]

Advice for your friend....my opinion.

It's really an oxymoron.  FSU women ARE strong-willed. However, my experience is that they secretly yearn for a strong man who will take control of the relationship and lead.  I've seen this time after time.

My fiancee confirms that to me, both in actions and in conversation.

When they get bossy, you have to assert yourself and be even more demanding yourself.

They are looking for a man who will "tame them" and make them theirs...

To not take control would leave a pretty miserable life for both partners, I believe.

I am inclined to go with the quote above but would also welcome clarification to the questions prior when Turbo looks in on this thread.

[Maxx2]

Advice for your friend....my opinion.

They are looking for a man who will "tame them" and make them theirs...

Try that argument with a woman prosecutor at your DV trial....

 From engaged:

They need help.  Have they tried marriage counseling?  He needs a breather, maybe separate.

Breath the word "divorce" or suggest the marriage needs help or to separate often times triggers the DV false charges.

 From BC

Yeah Maxx I see your point..  up to a point.

I guess it's probably not in the best interests of the Government to make it too easy for their citizens to get into and out of marriages with foreign partners.

Maybe the policy of deterrence is a good idea in the end.

This happened as a result of a INS study in three US cities back in 1982. They found that 30 to 40% of these marriages were fraudulent. That is why they require a "comingling of finances, cohabitation and an intimate relationship" and a screening process down at the local service center.

If a marriage breaks up before she gets her Green Card then according Federal law (CFR 1986) she has 30 days to return to Russia after the divorce is final or she will be "accruing illegal presence" and is "subject to deportation". There are only 2 ways around this. File a I-751 "good faith attempt with the marrage" petition or file an I-360 "spousal abuse" petition. The first one is iffy and if it doesn't succeed which is often the case the woman will be faced with no work authorization card and having to pay 10's of thousands of dollars in legal fees to a immigration attorney and EOIR immigration court costs. The second petition is called the "silver bullet petition" by the immigrant community because it rarely fails. That's why a guy has to be very careful when one of these marriages is failing as the I-360 needs to be supported by official evidence of abuse or as the INS calls it "primary evidence". Which can be fabricated with a bit of boldness and acting ability.

I am hoping Turboguy passes this on to his friend.

Maxx   

[Son of Clyde]

Going back to Psy101 class, if a behavior is reinforced for years it is pretty much normal behavior now. I think unconsciously trying to reinforce the desired behavior may change it over time but not right away. The man can act as ballsy as possible but the desired behavior will not change overnight. Maybe rewarding the lady when she is treating him right would be the best answer.

[KenC]

Advice for your friend....my opinion.

It's really an oxymoron.  FSU women ARE strong-willed. However, my experience is that they secretly yearn for a strong man who will take control of the relationship and lead.  I've seen this time after time.

My fiancee confirms that to me, both in actions and in conversation.

When they get bossy, you have to assert yourself and be even more demanding yourself.

They are looking for a man who will "tame them" and make them theirs...

To not take control would leave a pretty miserable life for both partners, I believe.

This has been my experience too.  Sometimes it makes for quite a volital relationship.  A man can "take control" without violence.  This is where there certainly is a clash of cultures.  When Lena first came she told me RW think "no beat, no love."  Of course we have all heard about the lack of DV charges in Russia and how physical abuse is much more accepted.  This behavior just doesn't fit into our society, but the aggressiveness of the RW is already set in their personalities when they arrive.  It all boils down to a test of wills.  Like that Cheryl Crow song, "are you strong enough to be my man?"  I am sure there are some RW that are not as aggressive, but I just have not met them.  They sure can be ball busters.
KenC

[jb]

I note that it's been 4 days since this topic was started and we asked for amplifing info, and T/G has not been forthcoming with an additional post.

Everyting we say here is simply speculation.

[KenC]

jb,
Turbo may have more important things to attend to as he is on tour with Jack's group in Ukraine right now.   
KenC

[Rvrwind]

I am sure there are some RW that are not as aggressive, but I just have not met them.

Only because you have yet to meet my own sweet Valya! :angel:

[Turboguy]

Hello from Lugansk.

The tour is going great, still plan to do a TR on it but have not had much interent time. 

I may miss something but heres some more details.   He is about 56.  She is about 44.  I believe he made two trips to see her.  then went with her to Poland? for the interview (She is from Moldova).  There is a daughter 14? who sometimes is not too respectful to him.   Her excuse on the sleeping (and whatever else you do in the same bed ) is that he snores.

It is 1 AM here and I need to get to bed.  I have 5 meetings tomorrow.