What's REALLY important as you seek your future wife?

[Michelangelo]

In another thread, we read about the disaster that has confronted a fellow poster, Happiness. 

I was struck by this comment by Gator:

Situations such as this are reminders that although it may feel good to receive pats on the back from cheerleaders, the “in your face” advice from experienced men such as JB, KenC, Jooky and Leslie must be fully digested and deliberated no matter how bad it tastes.

So true, Gator.

Happiness, I really feel bad for you and wish you the very best recovery.

But your story does stand as a stark warning to the guys searching for an FSU girl.

I remember my first encounter with a Russian girl--she was my interperter during a consulting gig.  I fell hard for her, but managed to escape. But I had the FSU "bug" because of her, and went through a two year experience dating lots, and I mean lots, of FSU girls.

I found a great one.  (Not to brag, cuz the stories for all of us, be it me or guys here who have been married for years, are not yet completed)

I settled upon one main criteria--I wanted a family oriented girl; someone who had a happy homelife and wanted the same for her life. I discarded the 20 something year old party girls, and found someone who wanted the simple life~ a home with a husband and children.  I found a girl with a goodness of heart and who possessed true character.

That's what made the difference for me, and why I'm truly happy today.

I'm wondering what advice the married guys can give newbies about what REALLY matters in a relationship?

[jb]

Excellent thread topic.

I'll post something right after I thaw out.

[Michelangelo]

And even though I specifically invited the married guys to provide advice to newbies about what REALLY matters in a relationship,

I'll open it up even more by asking those in the quest what they are looking for.

[Photo Guy]

Many RW are looking for a better life and that includes a life without poverty, without struggling just to make ends meet. That materialistic goal can be extreme or balanced with other non-materialistic values.  So, my future wife will not be completely focused on the new car, the big house, the gigantic wardrobe, etc.  Okay, I'll cut some slack on the wardrobe, and if its the right year, maybe a bigger house, and if the car's dying, a new car. My point is- I am looking for a woman who values things like: respect, trust, loyalty, forgiveness, humor, diligence, compassion, determination, and grace.

I've seen many guys, many friends here in the US, fall into the beauty trap. If she is beautiful, it is so easy to overlook the bad aspects of her personality, or her lack of decent values. Our media today encourages a superficial view, by constantly flashing images of 'beauty' at us. In contrast, a concept like 'grace' gets very little air time. A certain amount of brainwashing takes place.

I think it is important to see how she treats her friends and how she treats strangers. That will tell you a lot.  You can also look at her family relationships to see what qualities she has absorbed from her parents and siblings. No, you won't find the perfect gal, but it is important to force yourself to search for a woman with those decent lovable inner qualities. In contrast, it should be relatively easy to find superficial beauty. 

[David1963]

I'll open it up even more by asking those in the quest what they are looking for.

The problem is that most THINK they know what they want but really don't know what is important to them.  Others are distracted by a hot young body.

I have lerned over my many years on these boards are that it doesn't matter what you say to most people, they will ignore it and travel down their path to distruction.  You brought up an excelent example, there are many more that we have seen and there are many more that most of us can see in the making.

While the question is excellent, it will just be for entertainment because most won't listen or apply any critical thinking to their situation.  But, as they say, if it helps only one person then it is worth it.  

[David1963]

PG brought up a good point.  I heard a comment on here and other places that many of the people who have married a RW just married an average looking woman, not the drop dead gorgeous ones.  I have also heard the comments that if they are going for the effort to look overseas, the land of the third world, they are going to get a hot young thing because they can get an average looking woman here.

One of the reasons most of us picked an average looking woman is because we are looking for more important qualities than just hot looks.  Although, the average RW dresses sexier than her AW counter part.  I would say that most successful RW/AM marriages are not based on looks alone and that is why they are successful.

[KenC]

I think it is funny that most of us American guys assume that you cannot get the wholesome qualities we desire from a smokinhotkova.  I understand this because of the way beautiful women are catered to in this country almost from birth.  By the time a beautiful woman in this country hits her mid twenties she usually is a wretched witch of a woman from getting every break in the book due to her beauty.  In Russia you need not trade off beauty in order to find a woman with qualities; it is not necessarily an either or situation.  I know because I married one.

The important qualities to me were and are very similar to Photo's:
respect, trust, faithfulness, good sense of morals and family values, humor, passion, compassion, and class.  I think my idea of class is somewhat similar to what Photo described as grace.

Sure my Lena was beautiful, and that certainly attracted me initially.  I would be lying if I didn't admit that.  But her beauty wasn't what sealed the deal for me.  You have to understand that I didn't want to even get married again.  I was enjoying my bachelor life and would have been perfectly happy to keep it that way.  What really "set the hook" in me was how perfectly she blended into my world and just how "normal" she was for a beautiful woman.  With all the differences in age and culture our compatibility was unbelievable.  In the end, I took the plunge into marriage with Lena because I couldn't imagine my life without her in it.

This talk of criteria is interesting and useful, but the real truth is that love is the only good reason for marriage.  I guess the criteria just narrows the field to where it is you look for it.
KenC

[jb]

KenC,

You got lucky,,, not everyone else will.

[Kuna]

Simple!

In no particular order:

- Integrity (How does she treat other people? Are her actions consistent with her words?)
- Compassion (Would she be prepared to help someone less fortunate?)
- Intelligence (I NEED to be mentally as well as physically stimulated)
- Humour (That sexy, fun, relaxed humour that's neither forced nor restrained)
- Affection (Touching gives me energy... Not just sexual touching either)
- Family Values (That means family is the centre of our lives, not the only thing in our lives)
- Goal Oriented (Someone who has dreams and goals, not necessarily financial.  Just someone who knows what they want and isn't happy with coasting through life to an unspectacular end)

What about looks?  What I think is irresistable is probably different from what others feel... As long as a girl is within MY "acceptable range" I'll be happy, but I can't be happy without a healthy dose of my "mandatory requirements".

Kuna

[Michelangelo]

While he question is excellent, it will just be for entertainment because most won't listen or apply any critical thinking to their situation.  But, as they say, if it helps only one person then it is worth it.  

Newbies should listen to the married men here and gauge what  they think they want by what the successfully married men say.  And sadly, they should also look at failures such as Max and Happiness experienced.   

I think they will see that getting a wife for the wrong reasons leads to a failure in the marriage.

[Bruce]

Great topic Michaelangelo, but why did you post it in this section?  I hope a moderator moves it to the newbie section.  Hopefully, I'll get a chance to comment later  .

[Michelangelo]

By the time a beautiful woman in this country hits her mid twenties she usually is a wretched witch of a woman from getting every break in the book due to her beauty. 

That's an interesting and valid point, KenC.  It's true that beautiful American girls have always been treated differently than ordinary girls.

Perhaps beauty does not spoil a girl in the FSU in the same way, because beauty is more typical there?  Why?  Because girls there walk more and thus are in better physical shape, and they dress more attractively.

Still~ the bottom line for me was character and family values.   I just got beauty as a bonus  

[Michelangelo]

Great topic Michaelangelo, but why did you post it in this section?  I hope a moderator moves it to the newbie section.  Hopefully, I'll get a chance to comment later  .

I posted it here becasue the question was aimed at married men. I was initally calling for married men to give advice to newbies on "What's REALLY important" in selecting a woman to be your wife.

[David1963]

This talk of criteria is interesting and useful, but the real truth is that love is the only good reason for marriage. 

Not quite true.  There is a woman I loved very much and we tried to make it work for 3 years, never married though, and it just didn't work.  If I had married her for love only it would have been a bad failure.

If you have a choice between love only or criteria only, criteria will win out every time because if the criteria isn't right the love won't last.  Just speaking from experience.  Since criteria are quicker to learn about in a woman it's better to sort on criteria first then see if the love is there.

JB, right on.  I'm glad Ken is happy but his example is what many people point to and strive for, they fail more than they suceed.

[Bruce]

Of course, character traits are the most important.  I say it all the time, but I'll repeat it again.............she has to look good to you / vice-versa, you have to get along socially, you have to share common priorities and goals plus you / she must appeal to their / your innermost core.  Most are mentioned above but she must be honest, both with you and herself.  She must be loyal.  The worst thing I can imagine is a girl who is busy phucking your next door neighbor or some old fat Yuri she met on the internet like the current happy thread.  She must be sincere.  She also should be intelligent..........in my case it was a must that she was University educated.  The girl has to be adventerous, and not desperate to have the will to survive and thrive in a foreign land.  I also wanted a woman who had both parents because I felt that in a society of divorce it is much harder to divorce if you do not come from divorce.  I wanted a girl with a sibling.  Only children tend to have an extremely selfish view of the world.  I also wanted a woman who honestly wanted a family and children.   It takes a lot of work on your part as well as luck to get most of what you want.  I also had specific physical characteristics ie. height, weight, eye color which made it more difficult for me.  Luck is always involved.  So chances are the average newbie will have to have determination to get what he really wants.

One other thing that is very important I forgot to mention................do you both dislike similar things.  Thats just as important as liking ie. smoking for example. 

[Rim]

What would you married guys think about this situation.

You date a girl for about 1 a year, seeing her in person about every 2 or 3 months. Then on your last trip before her visa interview she cries, says that she doesn't love you, and you part after only two days together. She continues to write to you every day saying that she is confused and doesn't know what to do, and then she begins to think that it was fear of leaving her life in Russia that made her "freak-out" and she wants to postpone the interview for a while as she tries to comes to terms with her feelings. A couple of months later, we had postponed her interview long enough to give us several months to work these issues out, and she now she says that she has overcome her fear and truly believes that our "destiny" is being together.

If she was so crushed by her fears before she came to America, is she strong enough to endure the fears and doubts that she will face once she moves to America?

Am I missing some other obvious issues?

[jb]

Move on, there are better and stronger women out there,,, and they are probably better looking to.

[Mamma D]

What would be important if you were to seek a wife here?

What do you have to offer a lady, either here or in another country? I do not mean money... but a lifestyle. If You are ahomebody and she enjoys a Social lifestyle, It will probably not work.

While I have found that there is little difference in women the world over, or men for that matter....there are all kinds.

It is important to know yourself.....and to have reasonable expectations.

If it doesn't work in your community here, I likely will not work elsewhere either.

jb cut right to the chase... and I agree.

[Rim]

Move on, there are better and stronger women out there,,, and they are probably better looking to.

Strength is my major concern.

As for better looking; every woman I've ever dated I've found physically attractive, and the level of attractiveness isn't important to me as long as I do find her attractive. It's actually interesting to look at some of my photos with the women I've dated, because some were a level of attractiveness that would draw the attention of every man in the room, and some were the type of girl you'd look at for only a moment in passing and think "yea she's cute." Beyond a basic level of attraction, what is important to me is friendship, common goals, and similar ideas about our future life together.

Strength is my major concern.

[KenC]

KenC,

You got lucky,,, not everyone else will.

jb,
No doubt about it!  In all honesty, I don't know if I could do what these guys do in regard to the meeting many, selecting one and doing a K-1 or God forbid a K-3!  That is all a bit too mechanical and forced for my comfort.  Now a lot of people might still think the way I went about this was a little on the weird side, with the Internet meeting and the traveling to the other side of the world to meet her, but our story is a simple "I met this girl and ........" story.  Neither of us were locked into getting married, nor desperate for company, or displeased with the local talent (my preference for RW is only based on Lena).  It was a relationship that grew naturally over time.  Bringing her over on a student visa was another way to keep things natural and without the 90 pressures that come with a K-1.

David1963 makes a point that love without compatibility does not work.  Maybe he is correct, but I would never settle for a woman that just fit all my criteria without love.  I don't know if I could love a woman that didn't fit the criteria either though.  Hell, I don't even like using the word "criteria" as it sounds too clinical and cold like some sort of science project. I know all too well my relationship with Lena is an abberation. She exceeded every anticipated expectation I ever had for a wife.   I never needed a woman that good looking for example.  People don't usually find that perfect of a match in a lifetime, so I decided to overlook the fact that she was so damn young!  Good luck guys, I hope you find half of what I did.
KenC

[jb]

Good answer, Ken:

I, for one, am in love with a woman who fit my criterion, as well as excited me, I couldn't imagine it being otherwise.  After 5 years we still fit, *hand in glove*.

That is the difference.

[jinx13]

 I'm not married yet, but I do know what's important in seeking my next wife, and it's based on my previous marriage, I want an EASY GOING girl! After my 7 year relationship and marriage to my ex, I really made it a priority in my search, and with women I date. Life is just too damn short to argue about petty, rediculous things.

 I'm not going to say my ex's behavior had anything to do with her being an AW, it was just her style, maybe it was her half Italian side, the woman loved to argue about anything and everything. It was just exhausting, and uncomfortable for our friends and family, and anybody else within earshot. I guess we were doomed from the start, but I ignored it because I really did love her, and I just thought she would calm down as she got older, and we were married. Nope, it just got worse 

 Of course there are many other criteria, but that one is right at the top of the list with love for me. I'm not saying I want a weak woman that doesn't stand up for herself, and of course I expect the usual fight once in awhile, but it's nice to just come home and relax after a hard days work and not get chewed out for some trivial thing like forgetting to take out the garbage 

 My current g/f is a very level headed girl, and we get along great, no stupid arguements, if we fight it's because of something real, and we try to work it out, we don't stay mad at each other. If your going to maintain a long relationship with someone you need to anticipate how you will deal with the difficult times in your marriage, how will you fight? My ex was the type to throw pots and pans, and stay mad for three days, that's not the type girl for me, I learned the hard way.

 Communication is key to any relationship, I think your wife should be like your best friend, you should be able to talk about anything with her.

[TexasBoar]

KenC stepped up to the mike and proclaimed:

She exceeded every anticipated expectation I ever had for a wife.

Bingo.

If I do this . . . I want to be surprised.

And I want her to light me up like a pinball machine.  And to be kind.

Everything else is negotiable.

~Boar

[Jumper]

Not on the list of whats really important..

but like KenC ,
i often find it odd guys decide not to pursue what they feel is a more attractive lady ,for fear she *might* be spoiled or not of  strong character??
ridiculas.

beauty is only skin deep,its not just a saying!!
but it cuts both ways!!

a beautiful woman can have the same deep family and core  values and steadfast character as any other woman?
Three  of the biggest sweathearts
 i have ever known,  were/are simply drop dead stunning.
It's just as easy that an unattractive woman can be a huge witch.

granted the general odds *may* be different?
but not nearly as lopsided as is sometimes made out to be.
 
all are individuals,
give her and  yourself the oppurtunity to find out what
 she is REALLY like, regardless outward appearences?
____________________________________________


On what i feel is  really important?
in a spouse?

a short simple list,
because its assumed already that you are not going to enjoy the company of someone of low character, wacky jealousy  or
personality traits that undermine a good relationship.


1. That you BOTH genuinely admire, respect, and fundamentally
really  *like* who the other person truly is.
 Both the good and bad.
 
This regardless any attraction or emotion.

2. That you are both in love with, and attracted to each other.

[ScottinCrimea]

I read somewhere that one of the important things about finding out if you are compatible is to see if you argue and fight compatibly.  No relationship will be without some difficult times, but the key is that the manner in which you fight.  I believe that you can never know if you are truly compatible until after you have had your first fight. And of course, making up is always the best part. .
     Once I learned my wife's fighting style it was very easy to adjust as we both like to let off steam sometimes, then get away for a bit and think things through.  It may take a day or two, but we usually come to the conclusion that the other was right.  And reluctantly I admit here that more often she has been right, darn her!  If I have a woman who blocks the door and insists I'm not leaving until we work things out (which usually means until I bow my head and say she was all right and that I was all wrong) it just isn't going to work.