Caught her cheating

[Jooky]

This is the most depressing thread I have ever read.

Happiness, I remember your story all too well. Of all the posters that come and go on these forums your story disturbs me the most. It haunts me. You are the epitome of a man who has done everything possible wrong in the pursuit of a Russian woman. To me your story is so ridiculous and sad that I can only hope that you are a trickster getting a good laugh out of an ongoing prank.

I remember the story of your first trip and how you settled on the woman who showed you the most interest though by your own account there was no chemistry and she was very hesitant. You did not seem happy with her and she did not seem happy with you yet you rushed a proposal and somehow convinced her to come to the US.

During her first months here you knew already she did not love you. Didn't she tell you so? I remember your obsessive key logging, your snooping into her mails and your confrontations. You seemed extremely miserable with her already. She seemed honest in revealing her lack of feelings for you. You came here for advice on how to send her packing and she was ready and willing to go!

Next I hear you are married, still extremely doubtful and unhappy asking paranoid questions about green cards, like a condemned man counting the seconds for the guillotine to fall.

You knew before you married that she did not love you and was pursuing other men. You were told directly that she was a cheater. You know she continued to pursue men during your marriage. You know she was lying about her work. I am certain you continued to track her actions. She probably learned to cover her tracks. You have doubts that she was cheating on you?

Nothing I have read posted by you indicates even a hint of love or true relationship between you and this woman. From the very beginning it seemed that this woman had no respect for you and held you in contempt. Yet you insisted on pursuing her.

You reveal a pattern of paranoid, needy, emotional, controlling and self destructive behavior. Your latest actions are over the top. You continue on this path of destruction.

If I was on a jury knowing a bit about your past, that you kicked down a bathroom door, that you stalked your wife after being charged with domestic violence and that you angrily confronted her lover in front of police I would easily find you capable of shaking your wife. I am sure that was not your first emotional outburst. Already there is evidence of two such outbursts in the course of a week.

I would not convict you because I feel extremely bad for you. I don't think your life should be ruined over this.

I am not enjoying writing this, but I feel it needs to be said. You were a mule for this woman, but you insisted on it. I sympathize with your pain, nobody deserves such suffering,  but your wounds are self inflicted.

My advice:

Do nothing further to pursue this woman. It is over.

Get a good lawyer, now!

Divorce as soon as you can. Take the cards as they fall. Don't seek revenge.This was your mistake.

Stay clear of your wife. Move in with friends and family and take time off work until your divorce is final if you need to. Gather your possesions if you feel the need to protect them and do this all right away. Do nothing to further jeopardize your situation.

Once you are done with this ordeal, please come to these boards and tell your full story. Let it serve as a warning to other foolish men. I mean this in all seriousness.

Then drop entirely the pursuit of Russian women. Gain some self respect, pursue women in a normal fashion not by appealing to them with gifts and promises, learn to have a true relationship, find a wife that loves you and achieve happiness.

I really do wish you the best.

[KenC]

Now that is a horse of a whole different color!

[Bruno]

Then I can hire a private investigator to gather some concrete evidence of adultery.

Good luck... now that they are discover, they will take some precaution... and are you really sure that they have be in bed together...

Maybe the picture is more big that you think... maybe all this was organized for lead you to a trap... imagine that they have never sleep together, that the guy ( who have child ) is himself happily married... that they have make this show to make you nerveous with the goal to make you hurt her a little... Who know, maybe these man have a wife who is the best friend of your wife...

You follow her... Fine, now you are a control freak who follow her everywhere... maybe she can make some stories about moral domestic violence... maybe a restraining order is waiting you...

Beware man, a woman can have a lot of imagination, she can be ready this show from the very beginning, maybe she was a faithful wife planing to make you believe the reverse and lead you in hell...

Don't follow her or other, flee any contact... your post here can maybe be used against you... you say that she is fµcking these other man but you have not hard evidence about this... it is slender...

Boy, hard time is waiting you... but don't give her any opportunities for hurt you more... keep a low profile when it concern her and her relations...

PS: Now that she have need to flee the home due to DV... that you have start a divorce... i am not sure that actual evidence of "adultery" will change something... you have hurt her physical and ask the divorce... so in some way, she is free to make what she wish now... beware that several lawer will be in favor of your wife... Dv, divorce, stalking "new" boyfriend... bad for you...

[Kuna]

Happiness,

First of all I'm really sorry to hear of the problems you're facing at the moment.

Be assured that men have gone before you, and unfortunately some will follow.

My only advice is to fight against the natural tendency to confront the people involved.  Stay away from your wife... Stay away from the other man.

Do everything you can to delay any discussions with her until you see your lawyer and when you do be very explicit about what you want.  Take his advice and as I said, you must fight the tendency to confront her or him. If you have to go away!

All the best, and please return here to ask questions and seek support from those that empathise with your situation.

Kuna

[Rim]

While bedding another man's wife is something I avoid out of my own personal convictions, this other man didn't make a commitment to honor your marriage vows, you wife did. The other man didn't know you, isn't your friend and hence owes you nothing.

You wife deserves the attention and understanding of a virus. You don't try to understand a virus, you just work toward getting rid of it.

[jb]

Happiness,

Like everyone else here, sorry to hear about your troubles.  I also agree the best route is to bring this episode to a quick resolution.  Nothing good can come from proloning the agony, regardless of how pissed off you are right now.

Once you can get your head screwed back on straight it might be instructive to tell the story of your courtship for the sake of the newbies.  I.e., how did you meet her, where is she from, how many times did you meet with her before you proposed, was there a significant age gap?  What red flags did you ignore, and did you just decide to roll the dice anyway?

[Gator]

Happiness, I do hope you are able to get full control of your emotions and not shoot yourself in the foot.  It is difficult because broken dreams, failed marriages and divorce are gut wrenching.  Maxx says they pale in comparison with the false DV wringer; hopefully you can avoid it.

Good luck.  And write us as this episode progresses.  You have much sympathy here as well as the experience of men who have been there before you.

[Turboguy]

Happiness, I agree with the others.  The first thing you need to do is to calm down and get control of yourself.   Think about what I am going to say now.

If I were a judge and a case came before me.  It was a man and a woman.  The woman claimed the man had hurt her, (ie, shaken her, hit her, whatever) and claimed that he had also stalked a friend who he believed she had an affair with but she claimed he was a Russian friend and she wanted to have coffee with him but her husband would be jealous so she hid it.   

He on the other had claimed he had done nothing except try to talk to the boyfriend to find out what was going on and was as innocent as a new born baby. 

I have her testimony, I have his.  Now throw in a police report that the man had indeed stalked the woman's friend and threatened him. 

If I am the judge, I can pour myself a cup of coffee and it will not be cool enough to drink before I decide this case.   You would be going to jail for sure.  The worst thing that can happen to you is if she files a DV case.   Quit making it so easy for her.   You have already done too much.  If she decides to go that route you are already toast.

[Gator]

Situations such as this are reminders that although it may feel good to receive pats on the back from cheerleaders, the “in your face” advice from experienced men such as JB, KenC, Jooky and Leslie must be fully digested and deliberated no matter how bad it tastes.

I do not remember the Happiness courtship.  Perhaps it came during my hiatus from boards.  Jooky’s summary makes it sound familiar – not spending enough time with your woman to know her before you enter the K-1 superhighway.  Or worse, knowing plenty but disbelieving the warning signals.

[Michelangelo]

Situations such as this are reminders that although it may feel good to receive pats on the back from cheerleaders, the “in your face” advice from experienced men such as JB, KenC, Jooky and Leslie must be fully digested and deliberated no matter how bad it tastes.

So true, Gator.

I wish you the best of luck in your recovery, Happiness.

[prince_alfie]

Situations such as this are reminders that although it may feel good to receive pats on the back from cheerleaders, the “in your face” advice from experienced men such as JB, KenC, Jooky and Leslie must be fully digested and deliberated no matter how bad it tastes.

I do not remember the Happiness courtship.  Perhaps it came during my hiatus from boards.  Jooky’s summary makes it sound familiar – not spending enough time with your woman to know her before you enter the K-1 superhighway.  Or worse, knowing plenty but disbelieving the warning signals.

Indeed, I firmly believe in good amount of deliberation before pursuing this route by far. It is important to research the avenues first. The agency was good to advise to not marry the lady and I think that it's an instance where sometimes the agency actually knows better. I learned the hard way that my instincts aren't always right either...

[Photo Guy]

I think Jooky's post cuts to the chase. And it would give us insight, if you could answer jb's questions.

How did you get yourself into this mess? When your relationship with her was at its 'best', what was it like?
Did you make love once a day or once a month?  Forget about your claims of giving her money and stuff-
What about the important things- trust, respect, admiration, adoration, humor, forgiveness, and emotional
support? ...and of course 'love'?

The stalking and the Breaking Down the Door thing, look really bad. Most guys I know have not ever
broken down doors, but maybe I'm hanging around the wrong crowd.
Yes, she sounds really bad, but I have not heard her side of the story.
How did you get yourself into this mess?

[Jumper]

I do not remember the Happiness courtship

Happeniss posted a lot of the ordeal..on RWG..

not to kick him when he's down, but jooky'ss hitting the high
points..


and KenC thats where i was coming from in my post/advice..
as i remembered all the drama happiness had been posted abouty prior. . ..and within the context of the thread

*shrugs*

[prince_alfie]

Jooky is completely right on these issues.

Losing one's temper is a very big negative on the eyes of a RW. For them, it would be a sign of a man without self-control. In fact, one of the friends I'm doing a matchmaking with him and a gal in Kiev is going to have a tough time with that.

For me, I don't believe in demolition of personal property as a force of masculine reassertion. Negotiation and diplomacy is definitely the way to go.

About adultery, I don't see this as an unforgivable sin. There are second chances in life. I truly do believe that it is possible to overcome temptation and wrong choices once the lesson is learned. I guess that I'm a brutal optimist that way...

[jb]

About adultery, I don't see this as an unforgivable sin. There are second chances in life. I truly do believe that it is possible to overcome temptation and wrong choices once the lesson is learned. I guess that I'm a brutal optimist that way...

If you believe there is truly forgiveness after adultery, when a woman has demonstrated a complete lack of respect for her husband,,, and for herself,,, then you are truly a 14 kt, gold plated, fool.  Once a woman has violated the sanctity of her marriage bed there's no turning back.  Unless the husband is a total wimp and completely desperate and has no self esteem what-so-ever.  Believe me, if she does it once, she'll do it twice and a third and a fourth.  She has shown you her true character, how many times can a man forgive a faithless whore?

Kick the b!tch to the curb ASAP.

[BC]

Adultery is a symptom, not the root of problems within a relationship.

[David1963]

Adultery is a symptom, not the root of problems within a relationship.

You are assuming there was a relationship to begin with.  I don't think there was, she was just looking for a mule and found one.  I'm sure Happiness thought there was a relationship though. 

[Maxx2]

Jookie had allot of good background information. One detail that he didn't state is one that tells me it will be near impossible for Happiness to do the right and smart thing. The detail was that he put a keylogger on her PC and got her e-mails to her mother and girlfriend back in Russia. To the mother she said she could never love him. To the girlfriend it was a discussion about possible men she could meet here in a America. These were men responding to her profile that her girlfriend was responding to as her ghost writer. Happiness decided to over look all of this and marry her anyway

IMO Happiness has a self destructive streak running through him. His punishment to himself may end when he is sitting in a jail cell serving out his sentence.  

Maxx

[KenC]

Adultery is a symptom, not the root of problems within a relationship.

BC,
Logically I know you're right, but I agree with jb. I divorced my first wife after 25 years together (21 married) because she thought that I would forgive any bad behavior she dealt my way up to and including cheating.  She was wrong.
KenC

[prince_alfie]

Adultery is a symptom, not the root of problems within a relationship.

Agreed. Adultery is the product of misjudgment within in a relationship. To assume that adultery happens again and again is not always the case. That is a completely cynical view of the nature of human, to believe that they are no better than animals.

Humans are ennobled by an ability to create moral judgment beyond that of animals. I would expect that. Indeed, repeated adultery is a cause for divorce but there can be circumstances when things can happen. Tis more foolish to be a perfectionist, no kidding! We can expect a lot from humanity but not everything.

[jb]

Hey Alfie~!

I can get you are real good deal on some beachfront property in AZ,, are you interested?  You are too gullible for your own good.

[William3rd]

Hmmm- sounds like a good foundation for annulment. Hope he takes it all to his attorney. Annulment of the marriage based on fraud trumps the VAWA and terminates the green card.

That is, unless he continues on his abnormal efforts to confront the adulteress and the one guy that he has caught her with so far. Sitting in jail will lose the case for him.

[Jooky]

Alfie I heard the same from a good buddy of mine who married an adultress. Guess what? She cheated on husband number two, my good friend, left him high and dry and is now on round number three.

Some people make mistakes and some are selfish opportunists. Forgiveness is for those who make mistakes. Those who abuse you get a boot to the ass. JB is right on the money.

This woman has had a second, third, and tenth chance forced upon her. If you insist with an opportunist you will be taken advantage of. Happiness needs to make a clean break from this woman and distance himself from potentially creating more misery for himself.

This woman is going to play the victim. Her lover is no studly young buck but a 'pitiful excuse' for a man. In the eyes of a court he is a plausible helping hand from the Russian community. Her reasons for lying about work and spending nights away from home? Because she was trapped and afraid. Happiness has a history of irrational emotional behavior and now police reports to prove it. Here's how the court case will go: Why did he kick down the bathroom door? Because his wife locked herself in there. Why did she lock herself in the bathroom? Because she was afraid of this violent man. Is he violent? Well, he kicked down the damn door!

I pray the Happiness gets through this without jail time. I hope he has close family and friends that will help him through this and change his behavior.

Life's too short to waste time with people proven bad. Spend it with people proven good. Would you entrust your children to a registered child molester? Would you hire a man with seven DUIs to drive your grandmother? Start a business with a convicted fraud? Hell no!

Alfie, I believe you have more sense than you portay on these boards, but your attitude is the type that opens doors to trouble in the Former Soviet Union. Humans are more capable of good and evil than animals. Don't forget that.

[Turboguy]

Personally I agree with Alfie a bit.  I think there are two kinds of adultery.   I think there is a kind where someone is of low moral fiber and looking for thrills and sexual excitement.   This kind is always going to cheat.  Probably they would be better off marrying a swinger.

I think you have another kind who feels trapped in a loveless or hopeless situation and they are looking for a little happiness in their life.  Someone who makes them feel a little special, who pays attention to them.  Perhaps they are looking for someone to help them get out of a bad situation or to give them motive to get out.   This kind has a chance of being faithful in a good relationship.

My two cents worth.  I think the one thing both share is low self esteem.

[jb]

I think you have another kind who feels trapped in a loveless or hopeless situation and they are looking for a little happiness in their life.  Someone who makes them feel a little special, who pays attention to theml.  Perhaps they are looking for someone to help them get out of a bad situation or to give them motive to get out.   This kind has a chance of being faithful in a good relationship.

According to Happiness, she was treated like a Princess.  No excuse is plausible in this case.  You are also forgetting the keylogger he installed and read her e-mails.  She was determined to cheat from the get-go.  She was a b!tch from the beginning.  T/G, I know Alfie is an idiot, are you vieing for the lable as well?  The above quote from you is spoken like a man who is so desperate he will forgive any transgression.  You might as well post: "Hey, vwrw~!  After you are here awhile it's OK to go find a studmuffin and cheat on me.  I'll forgive you if you tell me you're unhappy this month."

Geesh~!  What a bunch of bloomin' f'ing idiots.... You just don't justify bad behavior like this and maintain any self esteem.  Get over this crap.