Yet another age difference thread

[jb]

I don't expect our European friends to understand this analogy, but I hope it won't be lost on the Americans:  "Life is like a jar of jalapenos, what you do today can burn your @ss tomorrow".  I think Ranetka has figured it out.

[BC]

And why you , Ranetka , posted yourself as a victim here?

Jazzy,

When I read Ranetka's post I detected absolutely no 'hint' suggesting that she was posing as a victim. 

She described the circumstances surrounding the demise of her marriage, illuminating a very dark topic.

Cheers!

[vwrw]

mspanky, you are an insightful and wise person. I am always with a careful attention reading your posts. Thank you for your help to me to analyze Turbo’s and my situation.

Zhena, you won my absolute respect long time ago! You are a rare treasure!

KenC, I read the post of Ranetka indicated by you as well as other of her posts.
About 4 year ago I left a RM with who I had relationship for 5 years. I loved him. We did feel like we could overcome all problems and nothing would be matter.  We were wrong. His actions/ behavior sometimes brought me a lot of pain, sometimes a lot of pleasure.   And I BETTER KILL MYSELF THAN EVER SAYING- the relationship was mistake, so does he. Why? Because despite all difficulties we overcame the relationship made both of us to be happy for almost 5 years.

Ranetka, please, do NOT get offended with me, I do NOT mean to offend you. But, I do not believe you loved or were happy with the man. Otherwise you could never see the marriage as the biggest mistake. I will not speculate why you get married with his. Any case the answer is known only you so what for to waste the time.

Thank you for your story. It is pity you both lost 5 years. 

[Bluebell]

I don't expect our European friends to understand this analogy, but I hope it won't be lost on the Americans:  "Life is like a jar of jalapenos, what you do today can burn your @ss tomorrow".  I think Ranetka has figured it out.

I understand this saying perfectly, in Hungarian we say '' Ki mint veti agyat, ugy alussza almat'', which in mot-a-mot translation: your sleep will be as the bed that you made for yourself 

[jb]

Dear Bluebell,

Very apt, however anyone who has experience with jalapenos knows that over indulgence will lead to confusion over what to do with that bowl of ice cream the next day.  Should I eat it, or sit on it?

[Turboguy]

KenC and Ranetka, what was your most unpleasant or difficult thing in your marriage with large age gap to overcome? Except scornful looks and not being invited by friends. I would ask this question from Turboguy and VWRW too but they seem to live in paradise, no such things in their life.

Good observation Bluebell.  Ken is the better source.   VWRW in our utopian, picture perfect world have not even had the tiniest most minute hint of a difficult thing to overcome.

Darn, think how much less fattening ice cream would be if we put it in the other end.  It is a shorter route to where it will end up anyway.

[Ranetka]

I do not consider myself a victim, I am not a predator either. The reason I  am posting this here I think that I need to admit to god, to myself and to another human being what was wrong with me. I want to clear my consience and be able to live my life.

We met on one of the internet board, communicated for a few months and finally met in a third country. My family was very much against and begged me to reconsider.

due to our financial situation I had to start earning and quick, it changed my social status to the worse, I tryed to adjust to a new life very fast as well, pushed myself to the limit, ended up very depressed.

I did feel ashamed at times , yes, then it would made me feel very guilty as well, heck, I even dressed myself down and sluightly oldfashioned without realising it!

Interestingly, I do not have a single russian friend now, all my aquantances are english, everyone said I did a right thing...

[Mir]

Since we are quoting proverbs and this is a RWD site:

Что посеешь, то и пожнёшь (Something like:'As a man sows, so shall he reap'.)

[neo]

You know,

the constant speculation over the rights and wrongs of Turboguys situation is a bit academci. KenC and Ranetka to my mind show the extreme ends of a very happy marriage (KenC) and utter Car Crash (Ranetka).

Truth is it could go either way for Turboguy, or it could land somewhere in the middle.

In one respect they both are better educated than Ranetka because she clearly didnt even do a basic compatability test on her marriage expectations before she married this old guy. Actually stopping to consider whether her old boy was going to be able to keep up with her energy levels were clearly not questions she asked at the time and is paying the price for now, but these are standard "fools rush in" mistakes that could happen to anyone.

KenC proves with commitment, good attitudes and sacrifices, compromise and hard work and love on BOTH sides you can pull it off, Ranetka clearly didnt want to put in the work Lena has so shes hit the exit button. Fair enough, thats choice, i don't see her as a victim - she wasn't shotgunned up the aisle she should simply have made better enquiries about what she was in for as Turboguy and partner are making.

Truth be told, at any age and under any circumstance a relationship is a difficult thing to hold together. Hugh Hefner has had a string of young wives with huge age gaps and all have failed, but maybe thats Hugh Hefners fault.

If both parties go into the relationship with their eyes open, the right attitudes and the right motivations and nobody is lying to themselves or to the other then maybe, just maybe if the chips all fall into place then it can work. But life is a difficult path and even the most perfect relationships go sideways through no fault of the particpents involved.

I think Turbo is clearly addressing hte challenges ahead, and is aware of challenges even some realities others may see but he chooses not to look at, but nobody can say he wasnt told or didnt make those decisions himself for his own welfare.

We cannot tell people who they should love or for what reason, we can only guide people to avoid sitatuations where dishonesty and alterior motives come to play and turn a good intentioned indivudal into a unwitting victim, but where both parties are clearly being open about the road ahead i do not see that happening.

Ive been Jerry Springer.

Goodnight.

[Ranetka]

Since we are quoting proverbs and this is a RWD site:

Что посеешь, то и пожнёшь (Something like:'As a man sows, so shall he reap'.)

yep!

I tryed hard to grow a good harvest though...

[neo]

Truth is Ranetka, you planted your crops in Winter instead of spring, you've had a harsh winter and the crops have failed.

Next time my suggestion would be to decide what you want to grow before you rush out to plant up your fields, wait until the righr season, and plant them in the right field, keep them well watered and be prepared to protect your crops against pests

[Turboguy]

as I already told here guys tend to give example of successful marriages with huge age gaps , when the guys are totally rich , they never ever posted any example when 19 y.o girl would care and would be deeply in love with the simple postman who is riding bicycle and lives in 1 room appartment and drinks beer and watches telly every evening like  he has nothing to do else, like Serebro noted as well.

Money and position are the main reasons those girls marry old people,  

Jazzy, it is not always about money believe it or not.   Reading your description reminded me of when I was 45 and lived for 3 1/2 years with an AW who was 21 and quite beautiful.   I had just been wiped out by my divorce and we lived in a 2 room apartment in a building I owned over my office with train tracks running 50 feet behind and the main street with trucks and ambulances running day and night in the front.  We did not sit around drinking beer and watching tele, we mostly went for long walks for amusement.   Mr Carter had just ruined the economy and had put the two companies that provided 85% of my income out of business.   Actually I went on to live in that apartment for many years after that.

I don't consider myself rich and VWRW and I will be living in a house I bought for $ 3900.00.  Fortunately there are no train tracks and it is much bigger than a room or two.

Ranetka, your story is very interesting and I am glad you have shared it with the people here.  I have to wonder if part of the reason that you became unhappy might have been because of the difficulties you faced in your married life as well as the age gap.   It really sounds like there was little to be happy about.  One of the thoughts that enters my mind is the possibility that had you moved here to an easy and comfortable life if the age gap thing may have not been such an issue or had you moved here with someone closer to your age but your life was still very difficult and a big struggle if you might still have found yourself unhappy.   It is just a thought running through my mind and I mean nothing negative about it and I am not trying to justify anything.

[Turboguy]

Neo, that was an excellent post.  The only thing I might not agree with was saying that Ranetka did not try as hard.   I think she found herself in a much more difficult situation that Lena did.   My guess is that had Lena found herself in Ranetka's postion she would have ended up much the same. 

Many have said that not everyone is cut out for a RW.   I think KenC was much more cut out for it than was Ranetka's former husband. 

[BC]

Good observation Bluebell.  Ken is the better source.   VWRW in our utopian, picture perfect world have not even had the tiniest most minute hint of a difficult thing to overcome.

Same as we felt before we married.  6 to 9 months afterwards the 'real' adjustment phase hit. It was not always fun and games, but we successfully traversed the razor wire together relatively unscathed.  We WILL have other very difficult phases and challenges ahead as my body and mind degenerates faster than my wife's.  Even today when I look at our wedding pics I think how young I looked just 5 years ago.  Hopefully our relationship will be hardened enough in another 10 to 15 years to withstand.

The advice I find most fascinating and of greatest value is the direct experience of those that have gone before me and not conjecture of 'wannabe's' that does meet the criteria of being good ol' common sense.  I WILL be keeping a close eye on the few folks like KenC and Lena, Ranetka and any others that 'are' where we 'will be' in the future.

Sorta like when an insurance salesman shows up at our door..  The very first thing I ask is to see their own policy.  95% could not and walked away a bit flabbergasted..  The remaining 5% had good chances of doing business.

Follow the doers, not the dreamers.

[Ranetka]

How I see it it is all together makes relationship work or not. Have I  lived in a nice cocoon from the beginning I would probably still be there. We sorted finances out finally, the point is I do not see a future anymore, I miss him as hell sometimes, but that would not change anything.

BTW, it was my first marriage. He was married before.

[Mir]

I don't consider myself rich and VWRW and I will be living in a house I bought for $ 3900.00

A house you bought in 1875 for $3900 will be worth at least $10,000,000 now

Its like a millionaire speaking at an event who says:' Hard work gets you everything, you know when I arrived in this town 20 years ago all I had was one bag' Someone asked;'And what was in the bag' he says:'Errr 10 kilo gold'

Jazzy's point is quite valid in context of a AM-RW marriage.

[Turboguy]

Mir, I agree that is the case with RW much more so than with AW.   I think also that everyone is different and unique and everyone has thier own ideas of what they want for life.   I actually had two different RW tell me that they were not willing to accept a rich man.   That they only wanted a poor or average man.   Both are still single as far as I know.  Probably nuts too.

[Bluebell]

Truth is Ranetka, you planted your crops in Winter instead of spring, you've had a harsh winter and the crops have failed.

Next time my suggestion would be to decide what you want to grow before you rush out to plant up your fields, wait until the righr season, and plant them in the right field, keep them well watered and be prepared to protect your crops against pests

Neo, I don't think that Ranetka needs advice, au contraire, she is the one who can help others by talking honestly about the mistakes she made. People like she and KenC with Lena are priceless to an information board like this for their willingness to share their own experiences, talking openly about the downsizes and difficulties of such relationship.

Not addressing this to Neo, but in general: It would be a shame to attack anyone for past mistakes, better to concentrate the board's efforts to avoid future mistakes.

[Bluebell]

... it changed my social status to the worse, I tryed to adjust to a new life very fast as well, pushed myself to the limit, ended up very depressed.

I did feel ashamed at times , yes, then it would made me feel very guilty as well, heck, I even dressed myself down and sluightly oldfashioned without realising it!

...

Not the kind of life any woman would dream about, regardless of marrying abroad or in her home country, to young or older man. Ranetka, when you married him, did you have any idea of what kind of life will expect you with him? Did he discuss all this with you? If yes, did you agree with him for this type of life? I am asking these questions because it seems to me he was at least as much responsible as you for your broken marriage.

[neo]

I agree entirely with you Turbo.

MDifferent peoples marriages have to traverse a journey across very differnet terrain, you may have a 40 year smooth ride or a 2 year very rock strewn road to travel, you cannot tell what will test your marriage until you make that journey.

I think all you can do is ensure that you have built your marriage on the strongest possible foundations and hope it can withstand as much battering as it needs to before finding some smoother ground so you can repair it again for the next patch of rough terrain.

Truth be told, we can prepare for a storm, but how well we weather the storm often simpyl depends on which way the wind blows us and how strong it is.

I know plenty enough "fair weather sailors" who claim they have the secret to a perefect relationship but never having been through a serious storm how well do they really know if their ship will sink or swim?

[Blues Fairy]

Ranetka, please, do NOT get offended with me, I do NOT mean to offend you. But, I do not believe you loved or were happy with the man. Otherwise you could never see the marriage as the biggest mistake.

I disagree.  You can clearly realize something is a mistake and still do it for the love of it.  Passion against reason. 
E.g. you may clearly realize eating that high-calorie chocolate cake was a mistake, but does it mean you didn't truly love that cake?   

[vegasman]

This is an interesting thread and I have certainly learned quite a bit by reading it. I do have a couple of questions for the various ladies and gentlemen that are currently involved with this post: what would be the concensus of what is a respectable age difference and at what point does it cross over into the absurd? My g.f. is 25 and I am 34. I never really thought much of the difference in age, and most women my age have already married and have children. She has been in this country since she was about 10, so I don't think she is after a green card. She's quite stunning so I don't think she would have any problems finding a wealthy man, especially in a town like Las Vegas, if she were so inclined. I make a nice living, but I am nowhere close to being wealthy. My g.f. doesn't want to date a kid her own age because they are all immature. Guys in their early to mid-20's are still interested in getting loaded, kicking butt, and suffer from a lot of insecurities.

Is age really that big of an issue? I think that if I had a daughter, I would rather have her be with somebody that was going to treat her well versus somebody that was close to her age. My gf's sister dates this little Armenian guy that treats her like she is more of a possession than a human being. In addition to having more body hair than I thought was humanly possible, he is a borderline stalker, and is very rude and inconsiderate to both her and her family. But, they are only 3 years apart in age. Seriously, I think she would be better off with a guy that was a little more mature and much less insecure.

[Bluebell]

I disagree.  You can clearly realize something is a mistake and still do it for the love of it.  Passion against reason. 
E.g. you may clearly realize eating that high-calorie chocolate cake was a mistake, but does it mean you didn't truly love that cake?   

Exactly. It is so human to do something against all the right reasons.

[BC]

This is an interesting thread and I have certainly learned quite a bit by reading it. I do have a couple of questions for the various ladies and gentlemen that are currently involved with this post: what would be the concensus of what is a respectable age difference and at what point does it cross over into the absurd? My g.f. is 25 and I am 34.

Probably looks something like below.  Just pick your point of absurdity.

[Shadow]

Vegasman, any kind of age difference is only what the people involved make of it.
When you fall in love and there is a big age gap, you should consider all negatives that it can bring. Turboguy and VWRW are very logical in their understanding, and have experienced already what they are up against here if not elsewhere.
What I have read of the post of Renatka is that the main factur for the breakup was her child wish in combination with the deteriorating health of her husband. This is a very specific situation, where Renatka understood she could not combine making the main income, being a mother and taking care of her husband.
As she had no marriage experience before, and no child wish when she decided to go in to the marriage, neither her or her husband can be blamed for the divorce, although it must have been hard for both to make the decision.

Your age gap is not a problem, but be aware that in 5 years time both of you will enter in to mid-life crisis. By that time she might have children, adapted to the USA and lost some looks, and you might once again want to get loaded, kick butt and suffer from insecurities. At that time it will be important that the two of you have a strong bond developed.