Teaching moment, learn from another's missteps Part 1

[Taz]

Often guys go through this venture and are totally clueless. Others read many different suggestions on what to do or not to do. Depending on the source of information, this can be quite useful. I thought it would worthwhile to use the experience of a friend as a teaching moment for guys still chasing a RW/UW. All names have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty.

My friend JD is a pretty good guy. I’ve known him for about 8 years now. I met him initially through the Internet when he was inquiring about traveling to the FSU. We struck up an Internet friendship initially though I found out he lives pretty close to my mom though she lives over a thousand miles away. Next time I was visiting my mom, I stopped by and we really hit it off well and communicated frequently.

JD is well educated, with advanced degrees; business and engineering. He has never been married and he is now in his mid 40’s. He is tall, in good shape and handsome. He smokes (about a pack a day), rarely drinks and never does drugs. His is probably the most organized person I’ve ever seen, maybe to the point of OCD. You could eat off his garage floor it is so clean. He is generally a pretty caring guy. There was a pair of baby squirrels that had lost their mom and he fed them until they grew to be adults. They would come every day to visit and hang out with JD. He was very kind and tender with them, nurturing them back to health.

He was definitely interested in meeting a RW/UW and opened my eyes to the extensiveness of the Internet websites to meet women from the FSU. I wasn’t even aware there companies like EC, Anastasia, etc. I had met a woman, Nat, while traveling there through a mutual friend of ours.

At that time (6 years ago) I was in the process of marrying Nat, though we ultimately divorced due to difficulties with her daughter. Nat was from Kiev and that is where we were getting married. I invited JD to our wedding in Kiev and he accepted. He had written a few women from Kiev and planned on meeting them while there but he had never traveled anywhere outside the US except for Canada and that was just a short drive for him from where he went to school.

Anyway JD arrived in Kiev after me. I met him at the airport and helped him get into town. I could tell he was experiencing some culture shock at first. The first day he was a total zombie. The time difference was about 7 hours for him but greater for me. All I can say is it was kicking his butt. Truly zombie is the best term to describe him at this point. He walked around with a glazed look in his eye. I thought somebody had possessed the warm, cheerful guy I normally knew.

Even my mom kept asking me what was wrong with JD. I just chalked it up to either culture shock or time difference. It is said that for each hour of time difference, it takes your body about a day to acclimate. Based on this he was going to need about a week to be “normal”. I appear to be blessed in that after the first night, I am pretty much good to go when I travel. Eastbound travel is definitely the worst as when the days shorten, it is harder for your body to adapt thanks to your circadian rhythms.

I had some down time before the wedding so I figured I’d help out JD with some of his meetings. My wife to be didn’t speak English and my Russian is pretty good. JD met with the first woman and it was a bust. I personally didn’t like her but it’s not my life.  He found some flaw in her and thought he could do better. On to the next woman. She was pretty nice but he thought he could do better based on all he read on lists and the Internet.
Ditto for the next woman. I thought she was attractive but again he thought he could do better. Especially since he was rescuing her from such a (and I quote) “sh!thole of a situation”. Keep in mind that economically the FSU wasn’t as well off as it is now so many women were more of what I’d call economic immigrants rather than looking for love.

He had a woman he had been writing in Crimea take a long train ride up to meet him. He really like how she looked in her photos. I cautioned him to not put too much emphasis on photographs. I helped him meet this woman at the train station and it was pretty much like I thought it would be; a bust! Woman’s photos must have been at least 5 years old based on her real life image and not to mention they were obviously the glamour shots style.
JD met about 6 women that first day and then decided he needed to check email so I took him to the Internet café. As we walked there, I tried to understand why he kept passing on so many nice women. He said he thought he could do better. I tried to reason with him that while in general, a person could possibly do better, why keep looking if he already found something that easily exceeded his initial expectations. My advice fell on deaf ears.

JD seemingly found something in each woman to focus on that he DIDN’T like; her smile is too big, her breast too small, etc. He seemed focused on the negatives rather than being objective and looking at the total package. He remarked about how many bragged about what wonderful women they met and married. Somehow I think in his mind he felt he must compete with them. Since he was soooooooo smart, attractive and well educated he should be able to do even better than they did.

Ultimately we arrived at the Internet café. While there he spoke with another person who was there wife hunting as well. Apparently this guy had been there about 15 times and still not found anyone. JD remarked after we left, “How could you come to this place so many times and not find a woman?” I said the problem obviously wasn’t with the women but the man himself in that his expectations weren’t realistic.

I had suggested he meet Nat’s cousin, Nastya. Previously I had sent him pictures before of her but they weren’t the most flattering photos of her but they were current. I did this to see how focused he was on just looks. Nastya had a great character and I thought she was pretty hot looking in person but the photos weren’t that great of her but she was still attractive in them.

JD was still a zombie over the next few days and it was obvious the culture shock was still getting to him. Wedding arrived, it was very nice ceremony but in Ukrainian which I only half understood. I did say “da” at the right places so it wasn’t a total bust. Before the wedding we introduced JD to Nastya as she was going to be in our wedding. JD couldn’t believe it was the same chick as in the photos. He was now all hot-to-trot as the saying goes. He couldn’t believe that he was wasting all this time on other chicks when here was a very attractive women right under his nose.

I said I told you she was nice but you place too much emphasis on photos. You use them to raise up a women in your mind or use them to condemn another one. I said photos can lie and I purposely sent you the photos of the WORST Nastya could ever look and she still looked better than most women do on a good day but obviously not good enough for you. It was obvious he wasn’t heeding any of my recommendations.

Anyway JD was close to normal now but I quickly understood that he had a problem taking advice from me and later on it became apparent that he had difficulty taking it from anyone. Apparently somewhere in his mind he might think he is too well educated to learn from anyone else. Whatever the reason is I am not sure but it became a common theme throughout my time with him. I could tell him sage advice and he’d blow it off. Someone else could tell him the same thing and he would then tell me the same thing I just told him the day before. Then he would say, “Oh yea, you did tell me that already didn’t you.” Regardless he’d hear it but never seem to act upon it.

Well Nastya and JD seemed to hit it off. My wife and I went off on our honeymoon and I turned over the very nice house I rented in Kiev so he could have quality time with Nastya. Things were going well until…I got a frantic call from him. He was in a hotel somewhere. Apparently Nastya just up and left in the middle of the night. Turns out Nastya got a call from her mom and her young baby needed food and ran out of milk and she went to take care of him.  I had left a computer with a translator so they could communicate better but apparently he didn’t use it very well and she wasn’t computer literate so a terrible miscommunication ensued.

JD decided to up and leave in the middle of the night, the comfort and safety of a VERY NICE house to return to the center part of town ignoring ALL ADVICE I’d given him. For example, never get in a car late at night (3 AM) with people you don’t know. Don’t ever get in a car with more than one person in it (especially late at night). Use a taxi instead. Well JD for reasons known totally to him, abandoned a warm, safe place with plenty of food to head into town.

Later that morning Nastya returns and no JD at the house. She calls Nat and we all try to figure it out. JD feels that he was abandoned by her and left all alone in a warm, safe house. I realize that he is acting pretty immature but to hear him tell it, she just dumped him. He gets all pissed off when I don’t side with him on this but for the life of me, I can’t fathom why he would bail out without calling me first. Incredibly poor judgment on his part and he could have been killed or robbed.

We return from our honeymoon and try and sort things out. He is very miffed. Nastya treated him very nice, they had wonderful intimate moments and all seemed like it should be able to be smoothed out pretty easily. Of course things never work out that easily thanks to JD. Nastya is more tolerant of all that went down but JD is acting like an immature child. Ultimately we leave Kiev and the documents are underway for our marriage visa.

Nastya likes JD but he is still miffed when we return. He likes her but won’t let go the thought she abandoned him (which she didn’t from what I could tell). His actions greatly compounded a misunderstanding. Misunderstandings will happen sometime in any relationship and more so in intercultural ones but JD stubbornly thinks only his viewpoint is the correct one.

One month later we find out JD and Nastya have created a new life in their intimate moments. She is anti abortion but doesn’t really want a baby right then either. They try to discuss options and he isn’t ready to commit to her yet in light of his perceived abandonment. So he sort of pushes for termination and she agrees. She goes to a clinic and tells him how much it would cost. Once he finds out the proposed cost, JD thinks it is just a ploy to get money from him. I am dumbfounded by this remark. I know this woman and she would wouldn't  she is pregnant if she isn’t. Her family isn’t exactly poor so it is definitely not to try and get money from him. At this point my wife is thinking JD is the biggest jerk to walk the face of the earth. I still defend him because I have seen what he is normally like (at least at home).

Reluctantly JD sends her the money. He then promptly dismisses any notion of having a future relationship wit her. Perhaps I should quote him in say "Time to kick her to the curb". Nastya is saddened, hurt and totally bewildered as to what she could have done to elicit this type of reaction. She felt close to him and doesn't make it a practice of sleeping around with guys in general.

After this I have learned I will never introduce him to anyone else I know personally. JD has learned that you can’t base everything on photos (or so I hoped he learned). If there is interest, I’ll continue the saga of JD. It spans many more trips including him meeting Ms. Right and how he trashes the relationship and finally end this month where he decides to just give up on RW/UW altogether. I don't want to paint JD as a jerk as he really isn't but he has a knack for really stepping in it at times.

[Photo Guy]

I think it's an interesting story. It might help someone. Please continue.

[Voyageur]

Taz, after reading your story, I am reminded of what my FSU wife tells me about men in their 40s who have never been married - "there must be a reason for this."  Men in their 40s who have never been married - according to my wife - are said to be a bit strange.  Looking at my friends who aren't married I honestly can't disagree with her too much, as some of their traits could appear a bit off to someone who has not known them for awhile.

Sorry you got in the middle of that mess - this scenario gives western men the bad reputation we sometime earn.

[groovlstk]

As Leslie would say, this guy has "MOB loser" written all over him.

[ares]

Thanks for your post taz. Interesting experience with you friend. He sounds a bit like me. Maybe I should get in touch with him (joke).
My aunt was married to a Ukranian.
 Could you or anyone else give me some more feedback on the reliability of photos.
Cheers, G.

[SANDRO43]

Could you or anyone else give me some more feedback on the reliability of photos.

Rather substantial topic, can you be a little more specific on the sort of feedback you're seeking ?

[Gator]

Taz,

Good story.  More please.  The JDs of the world seem to shut down their brain in a foreign culture.  He is also mistrustful, not just of the women but of advice given by reliable sources.  Further, he seems to have little sensitivity with women.  Not being able to communicate perfectly with words, one better have sensitive antennae.

I echo Voyageur words.  My Moscow fiancee says it this way, "Not married by 40 - something wrong with him.  Stay away."  

Ares,

Do not give much credence to glamour shots because a skilled photographer can conceal some unflattering features.  Also, a woman will not pay for the expense of professional photos every year, so they also can be out of date.  Request ordinary photos (trips, friends, hobbies) and ask her when made.  Virtually all of the women I met looked essentially the same as in their ordinary photos.  

[I/O]

IMO the single biggest scam that exists is that our Western govenments give passports to idiots.

I/O

[Taz]

Many women questioned JD on why he wasn’t married. When he first started looking for a RW, he was in his late 30’s. This was odd to them that he hadn’t been married. Now that he is in his 40’s, red flags go up in their minds. Quite honestly he had been very focused on his career and hit forced him to move several times. I still think he could have settled down but I think he preferred the bachelor lifestyle then.

The next year I took a trip back to Siberia to visit some long time friends that my mom wanted to visit. I invited JD along and he also had a friend that wanted to tag along; Jordan(aka J). Jordan is a very affluent person but is too focused on money. We arrived in Siberia and J&J immediately began to complain about the cold. They both come from a warmer climate and the mid 30’s F was a little cold for them.

JD decides to use an agency in town even though he was writing a few women before arrival he met through some website. The owner, Nadya, is totally clueless about how to run a business. However she does have some nice women it appears and is reasonably priced. JD asks me to go meet his first woman that he had been writing to sans agency; Anna. Anna is quite the catch as far as I’m concerned. GREAT personality, smokin’ hot body (she is an aerobics instructor) and a great smile and a pretty face.

Somehow though J planted a seed in JD’s mind that sort of stuck. He said Anna had a toothy smile based on her photos. That is all JD could then fixate upon meeting her. I knew this one was doomed as well but I didn’t know just how long it might take. First meeting did go well and we lined up another for that evening. JD had another meeting with a lawyer named Anya. I though Anya would be a bust but she looked so hot in her photos that JD REALLY wanted to meet her.

We went to meet Anya. Nice looking but nowhere near as nice as her photos whereas as Anna was actually better. In general I think photos are just a rough gauge and I don’t rely on them too much. If I personally were to weight them, I’d give them a maximum of 30%. I personally don’t like to use agencies in general and meet people on the street or through friends.

Any J had someone he had been writing. They met up and I thought the chick was a gold digger. All she could focus on was his money and he didn’t help matters. It was obvious though that all he was interested as far as I was concerned was a meaningful overnight (or weekly) relationship. I think in the end they both got what he wanted. This woman was a dumb as a door knob. In the middle of winter she complained that the train was cold. C’mon lady, you freakin’ live in Siberia and you don’t know the trains can be cold? She had to ride 4 hours to come see J on the little electric commuter train and she only wanted to complain about the cold.

JD was now ready for the next round with Anna. She invited us to her aerobics class that night. What a sweet girl and very outgoing. We all 4 showed up and had a great time. My mom decided to call it quits early and went to bed. J went to do a little shtupping with his catch of the day and Anna invited JD and I back to meet her brother and mom. What absolutely great people and a wonderful time. All the time JD is “testing” her to see if she meets his expectations which I realize almost nobody can now.

End of the meal comes and her brother invites us to have some “chisti spirits”. If you don’t know what this is, it is like drinking pure grain alcohol (about 200 proof). JD gets pretty toasted in a matter of minutes. I don’t drink so I no issues for me. Anna takes it all in stride even as he is so plastered his drool is running down the front of her shirt. We all get his sorry butt up and carry him back to the hotel. Anna leads the way and her brother and I carry him. He is well over 6 feet tall and weighs about 230. We get him back into bed and while trying to get him in bed, he comes too and tries to put the moves on Anna. She is a good sport and politely brushes him off. I guess a wet shirt from drool is enough slobbering she wants on her for one day.

Next day comes and JD has a hangover to beat hell. He has a date lined up with Anya the lawyer again and he wants to get into her pants near as I can tell. Generally I AVOID lawyers anywhere when it comes to dating. JD connects up with her at lunch and has a good time. He calls me up and asks me to stop by and visit with him. I politely decline and say she isn’t my cup of tea and if I were him I’d be focusing on Anna. Anna clearly can tolerate his BS and is a good sport about it. Of course he ignores all my suggestions and lines up a date with Anya that night and blows off Anna.

His date goes nowhere that night so he calls up Anna to see what he might be able to get going. She basically tells him that she doesn’t appreciate being dumped at the last moment for the lame reason he gave her but she’ll see him the next day. He is sort of miffed that how dare she turn him down. Well dipwad, you did dump her earlier in the day I reminded him.

Long story short, he met with Anna again and again until he got her in the sack. Meanwhile Anya kept using him to provide meals quite effectively without any intimacy. Next time I saw Anna, she pulled me aside and asked me what is up with JD? Why is he so hot and cold toward her? I said he was wrestling with his internal demons and all would likely be obvious soon where she stands with him. Meanwhile some other woman, Yulia, has finally come into town.

JD had been writing her for a while. Yulia is the ultimate hippie chick and wants to know all about his astrological background. Within about 3 hours JD has Yulia’s ankles around her ears and having a pleasurable time. Anna shows up at his hotel room just a second after a disheveled looking Yulia is leaving. As the cowboys say “She was rode hard and put away wet”. Anna is not dumb and puts 2 and 2 together but she can’t be sure Yulia came from his room as she is just about a second too late. She confronts JD and he denies what has taken place.

Next day Yulia is back for an encore performance and I am wondering what JD sees in this chick. Honestly they have no connection at all and Anna is a solid gold girl. If I hadn’t been married at the time I would have gladly asked her out. Meanwhile he is still after Anya but is obviously going nowhere for sure and even he finally realizes it.

Meanwhile the agency owner Nadya has invited JD to a Russian tea party to show him off to some of the women. JD acquits himself quite well for the most part. These are well educated women and they start to discuss math and physics and he does great. Then they ask him how he likes Siberia so far.

He begins to recount a tail that Yulia (hippie chick) has told him about her husband. It appears he was coming home from their business. He was approached by the local mafia (aka krisha- means roof in Russian) and was given an “offer” to sell their business. He politely declined. The returned the next week with a better offer. He declined again. That was his last decision. Yulia found him with his brains splattered all over the stairway wall to their apartment. JD recounts this in graphic detail and the women are sitting on the edge of their seats listening to this riveting tail. Right before describing the finale, he puts his hand to his head like he is holding a gun and then pretends to pull the trigger at the same time yelling BANG! The women about spewed their tea everywhere or urinated all over themselves. Their faces went white as sheets and that was the end of the tea party.

So  back to Yulia for a final encore. It appears that her hippie chickiness has finally gotten to him and he decides to bail out. Anya wants nothing to do with him and Anna doesn’t know what to make of him at this point. J is still shtupping the clueless woman and is ready to get out as soon as he can.

J and JD discuss Anna. J comments again about what a toothy smile she has. Her smile ISN’T toothy, she just has a big smile and shows a little more gum than most. She speaks excellent English, great body, sweet personality and I could go on and on but somehow JD is now focused again on her smile. Finally he decides that she isn’t “his” type and parts ways with her. This is a woman he should have married. Very tolerant, easy going, great figure and very pretty as well as intelligent and it is why men want to marry a RW. Of course JD didn’t quite see it that way. He still though he could do better. She even tolerated his incredible zombie attitude which was worse because of the even greater time difference.

So JD decides to go back on his own. Goes to Omsk and meets Lana. Lana has a kid. Amazingly he decides to marry this woman and completes the visa process. First chick that he has been serious about that I haven’t been able to “screen” and he decided so marry her. I ask him if he is sure she is the "ONE" and says yet. The first time I get to talk to her was the day she arrives in America.

JD has gone to meet her at the airport. Calls me up and says he has somebody he would like me to talk to. I had no idea she was coming in so soon. He had kept it a secret. I speak to her for 30 minutes or so. She doesn’t speak very good English and had some questions. After our conversation I call JD up and suggest that he needs to go the full 90 days before marrying this chick.

He asks me what I mean by that.  I don’t want to poison him against her with really being sure but I just can tell that this isn’t going to work out. I ask my wife to speak to her as well. Her reaction is this woman is incredibly rude, obnoxious and poorly educated. She doesn’t think it will last either. I calmly explain to JD that just make sure not to rush as he does have 90 days to get married and better to be cautious now than to make a really big mistake.

One week later I get a call from him at 3AM in the morning that someone screaming and is threatening to break down his door and what should he do? He says there are all kinds of police lights outside his door and what could he have done to cause this? I’ll write more about this if you are all interested.

JD is a really smart guy. Top of his class in school. Graduated with honors and works for a pretty high profile company. Somehow he just doesn't seem to get Russian women. By comparison I am very well educated in an incredibly difficult discipline (ostensibly the most difficult program in the university). I graduated in the top one percent of my class. I could stand to lose 20 pounds and the average women would probably prefer that he is 6'4" and I am 6'2". When we meet Russian women all of his "pluses" get lost quite quickly as his emotional intelligence appears to be lacking. He just seems to become an introvert when he is not in "his element". I try to be his wingman but then he becomes PO'd at me and is surly. Fortunately (for him) we typically don't like the same type of women and now that I am divorced he is concerned that I might "steal" his woman. What is laughable about that I would never do that. I would have thought after knowing me for so long I'd never poach a woman he is actually interested. He does have a knack for finding some amazing women but then he is as equally adept at losing them.

[BillyB]

Keep up the story Taz. Next time it's best to let some people remain single instead of helping them marry a sincere woman. You're doing no favors for those sincere women by pushing JD towards them.

[GreyScales]

Taz,

Thank you for this story!  It is both educational and sad...

I think JD may be one of those people who has learned all he knows from books (and the internet...) and who's life experiences don't include the requisite amount of "street smarts."  The sad part so far, is the number of ladies that JD poisoned.  Ladies that I truly wish I had met!  Ones I bet turned away from WM as potentials.

I am curious about the police encounter...

GS

[Taz]

Just a quick update about JD and the flashing lights in the middle of the night. I’ll write the next installment of JD’s saga later. Apparently earlier in the day, Lana had asked JD to take her son (9 months old) to the doctor as he was crying a lot. JD thought it was a good idea and took them to the local clinic.

They arrive at the clinic and after waiting about 30 minutes, are finally seen by the doc. Doctor prescribes a common antibiotic for a child with an ear infection. JD offers to stop by the pharmacy on the way home and get it filled. Lana doesn’t want to.

JD pushes the issue and stops by the pharmacy but Lana won’t get it filled. JD asks why. Lana replies that she would never trust a Mexican doctor. The doctor was dark skinned and obviously Lana is very racist. JD comments that it is a common antibiotic and there is no problem with. Lana refuses and they go home. JD calls me up and asks if all Russians are racist. Quite honestly they seem to be a lot more than I thought they would be. Maybe not openly but they aren’t as accepting in general as the typical American is.

Anyway fast forward to the middle of the night. Lana’s son is in severe pain since the clueless woman let the child suffer by not getting the script filled. Now the child is in excruciating pain. So what does Lana do? Obviously not alert JD to the issue.

Instead she calls 911. EMS arrives to an emergency call along with the police. Long story much shorter, they go to the emergency room. They wait almost 2 hours to get help. Finally the doc comes. Amazingly it is a Caucasian doctor who actually graduate from a worse school than the “darker” doctor earlier. After examining the child, same diagnosis; ear infection.

He then proceeds to write a prescription. It is the EXACT SAME medicine but now Lana wants to get it filled. Sure, after her child suffered for almost 12 hours. JD asked the doc if the child had taken the medicine earlier would he have likely been as bad as he was now. Doctor said it would have likely helped by now.

Next day JD comes home from work and it looks like the kitchen has exploded. Lana has apparently been making some sort of pasta sauce. As JD described it, there was sauce on 3 walls in the kitchen and the ceiling. There was something in left on the stove that looked like a baby bottle being warmed. The sauce was already dried on the walls, ceiling and stove so obviously it had been there a while. Lana was laying in bed reading and just left it all for JD to clean up after he got home.

He called me after this and asked how the hell he can get this witch out of his house. Actually he used a bit harsher language than this. Lana ended up going on her own to stay with a friend of hers and her husband that lived about 40 miles from JD. JD called the INS and told them they weren’t getting married but that she had left his home and he wasn’t exactly sure where she was. He didn’t find out until later that she had gone to her friend’s house.

Epilogue- Lana returned to Omsk. Her mom couldn’t understand how she had screwed everything up so badly. Two months later Lana was calling JD and begging him to take her back. Hell would freeze over first to put it mildly. Quite honestly this was the biggest mistake JD ever made in his life; bringing this woman home.

I must comment in general that JD likely did poison some women against foreign men but he also met his fair share of women that weren't exactly great ambassadors for Russia women either.

[Makkin]

Hi

  Enjoyed your writing style Taz. Really like the way you write and also the message.

Makkin

[Taz]

@Makkin- Thanks for the kind words. I try to be as unbiased as possible yet write in such a way it wouldn't totally offend my friend if he stumbled across it.

In general I am working on the next in the series as time permits thought today is pretty slow at home so I might get it finished up in a few hours.

[Makkin]

  Looking forward to it.

Makkin

[Taz]

Somewhere along the line, I somehow convinced JD to return to Siberia as the women there seem to be generally more understanding and patient. Amazingly he took my advice. He asked me to accompany him. My wife wasn’t thrilled about the idea but she got over it and we went back to Siberia. He went into the same agency and met with some women there. He was about to give up when the owner of the agency Nadya said a new woman just dropped of her info a few days ago.

I asked to see her profile and her photos. Her name was Gaia. JD wasn’t overly thrilled as this woman wasn’t the blonde, ample-chested, blue eyed angel he was looking for. I STRONGLY suggested he should meet her. At last he met her and I was there. VERY NICE woman but didn’t really appear to be what he was looking for. I persevered and kept pushing him as this woman was a solid gold example of WHY you’d want to search for a wife in the FSU. She worked at the local university and didn’t have a lot of free time.

I suggested he make a picnic for her and surprise with fruits, veggies, cheese and a flowers. He lured her to his little soiree and she was stunned. No man had ever done anything like this for her. Maybe most men wanted to bed a woman like JD but honestly this chick would have been my type. Long auburn hair, beautiful brown eyes, curvaceous without being fat and so polite and sweet you would just melt being around her.

Finally JD started to come around a bit. I looked up a female friend of mine and went on a double date. Of course I was married and I wasn’t out to get in trouble but JD still needed training wheels with this relationship. It was quite obvious to me and Gaia appreciated me being around to help smooth things out though JD was finally getting in the swing of things with her and starting to relax.

I invited JD and Gaia to go to a place where I knew we could rent little paddle boats. We paddled around the lake for a few hours and then I took them on a romantic walk home. It was then (at least according to the photos I took) that Cupid’s arrow struck. JD finally appreciated what a fine women he had landed and Gaia was pretty impressed with JD.

I couldn’t believe I had just witnessed a miracle! JD finally didn’t muck it up and actually had found a great woman (though I shouldn’t have worried). He even didn’t get too hung up on the photos. He amazingly looked past her NOT being a candidate to appear on Hugh Hefner’s magazine pages. Things were going great but I kept waiting for the other shoe to fall. I know Mr. Murphy and his damned laws were just waiting to be proven right!

In to every life a little rain must fall. Unfortunately it was my life this time. My company was acquired by another company. That meant most of us would get the axe rather than if. It was just a matter of timing.  After about 6 months of a topsy-turvy job situation, I took an offer of a great severance package rather than stick around. Great move on my part as the next month a number of people got canned with almost nothing to show for it. About the time my severance was running out, the job market still wasn’t any good in my field so I took a job in Moscow.

JD finally decided to pop the question to Gaia. She said she would think about it as it was a major step to leave her family. Finally she acquiesced and said yes, she would become his wife. He sent here the documents and asked her to fill them out. She was working a lot of hours and didn’t understand all that was required of them. JD was becoming impatient that she didn’t immediate fill them out (for example in one day) and was putting pressure on her to hurry up and get them done even though she wasn’t exactly sure what to do not to mention her work schedule was really intense. He was sort of testing her which was the silliest damn thing to do under the circumstances. He was trying to see if she would measure up to his expectations at this point and “step up” and do what needed to be done.

About this time JD’s company was sold and he was feeling the instability under the new management. His situation deteriorated very quickly as well.  So he ramped up the pressure on Gaia even more to get the documents done. I asked if he wanted me to help her since I was in country. He said “No BLEEPING WAY!!!! Let her do it herself. If it is important enough to her she’ll do it herself! I may be losing my job so we need to get them filed.” I tried to explain if she didn’t understand it, how can she do it?

Anyway my contract in Moscow was coming to a close. I dropped a big wad of cash to by a plane ticket to Siberia. It was Friday and I called Gaia and told her I’d be coming after work and I’d give her a hand completing the documents. I left Moscow at almost midnight. I arrived in Siberia at 7AM the next morning. I caught a taxi into town and met with Gaia at 8AM. I worked with her until about 4PM and then I had to catch my flight back to Moscow. So basically I got up a 7AM Friday and went to work. That evening after work I caught the overnight flight and didn’t sleep a wink. Arrived in Siberia and worked all day with Gaia but finished up the documents. Returned back to Moscow really late and basically didn’t sleep for about 48 hours.

Gaia was so pleased that we finished the documents together. She had tried to complete them but didn’t understand all the nuances. She thanked me repeatedly for helping her AND them. Her gratitude was very sincere. What a great gal!

I came back to the US and sent the documents to JD. He was so pissed off you wouldn’t believe it. He asked me “WTF? Why did you help her? I specifically told you she should do it herself! I said “Scumbag, did you ever read on the Internet how to do it yourself? What resource does she have? You had LOTS of help figuring out what to do but now you want to hold her to a different standard?” Apparently he wanted to see if she was interested enough in him to get it done herself though after meeting her, she had the desire but not the knowledge and she didn’t want to screw it up and have him pissed off at her.

Well JD basically just tossed to documents aside and never filed them. What a stupid (insert expletive here of your own choosing). I couldn’t freakin’ believe it that after finding a woman like this he’d just piss my effort away. I spent about $400 on my little one day trip for the ungrateful SOB. Two months later his company went bankrupt and he was without work. He then remarked to me (almost gleefully) “See I told you! I told you I needed to get the documents in.”

He was of course concerned about the affidavit of support though I think he could have passed the means test even if his income wasn’t sufficient then. He boss was willing to write him a letter about his potential continued employment and he would have found time to find another job.

Meanwhile JD was totally pissed at me. He was pissed at me he didn’t even want to talk with me for several months. He was pissed at Gaia. He was apparently pissed at everybody but himself. He basically just sat on the documents because he felt his job might come to an end and there might be problems with getting the visa approved. So what, just keep the app held until you get a job. He has no kids or dependents so he could pretty easily meet the relatively low threshold require for support.

At this point, he had minimal contact with either Gaia or me. He was feeling sorry for himself and basically was “punishing” her for her inability to get the documents done in the timeframe HE wanted and he NEVER communicated to her what his situation was (at least not to my knowledge).

Fast forward about a year from the middle of this mess. He has pretty much let Gaia slip through his fingers. A light bulb goes off in his head that he might actually lose the best thing that has ever happened to him. He calls Gaia up at work since he couldn’t reach her at home. No answer. He tries again and again without success. He contacts a friend of mine, Sveta, who lives in her town to keep trying to reach her.

Finally Sveta is able to reach Gaia. Gaia basically tells JD to not contact her again…EVER! So what does he do, he asks Sveta to contact Gaia again?  This time an even more forceful rejection. Now JD is in a total funk. He MUST know what has happened. Well the short version is apparently Gaia got tired of waiting and being punished and apparently found someone else and married him. He was a local guy and apparently they are happy together. Gaia said she did truly care about JD but got tired of being shunned or being blamed for what occurred. Yes, she was a little uncertain at first as leaving her home and family is a major step and she wanted to feel that she was going to be supported (more so emotionally than financially). When she finally did commit it was with her whole heart.

So to this day, JD knows he TOTALLY blew it. Every woman is now held up against Gaia as the measuring stick. This is terrible idea. You can’t compare to what you may never have again. You must realize that what you have now may be the best you can ever do from this point forward. Now JD laments how much harder it is now than it was a few year ago. It is more difficult to find a good woman. He complains ad nauseum about how no woman compares to Gaia, etc. etc.

I am so tired of hearing the drivel from him because I warned him repeatedly. I never had anyone covering my rear like I covered his and yet he still failed. He then likes to point out that I married a Russian woman and now we are divorced. My marriage failed and not because I picked a terrible woman. She was/is a wonderful woman. It is her daughter that totally screwed up the dynamics of our relationship. That and her lack of trying to make her daughter follow the same rules as my children. When her daughter tried to kill my son (who was over two years younger than her) by choking him to death, that was it for me.

So now JD tries to find another Gaia. He shouldn’t look for another; he should appreciate whomever he may find. Each woman is a unique individual and shouldn’t be judged against another. She should stand on her own merits, not stack up against a woman who is your current standard bearer. Don’t also do what JD would do. He would see John Doe with a hot chick and assume because you are smarter, more handsome, richer, etc. that you can do better for him and then pass over good women because you think you can do better. It is likely you can’t!

Try and think about the areas where you MUST have certain qualities and others where you are more flexible. For example, I am very flexible on hair and eye color. Sure I have my favorites but other things are more important to me. Hair color is just a bottle away from a change. I won’t bend on the issues of smoking or drug use. I do neither and I want her to be the same. You will likely never find a woman who is perfect in every category. If she gets a pass mark in my pass/fail categories and at least acceptable in my other (flexible ones) then I go on to see if the emotional chemistry is there.

Never fall in love with a profile or a picture. Letters are best after you’ve met the woman but can be useful before. Letters are like pictures to me, I can’t rely on them too much until I’ve actually met the person. How do I know that person wrote the letters themselves or that the photo is current. Too many things to nail down in advance of meeting. Quite honestly men have been successful writing just one woman and meeting her and then falling madly in love. Does this make them an expert?

I like to use the analogy that the first time you step on a golf course; you hit a hole-in-one. Does this make you an expert or pro golfer? Hell no! You are just damn lucky! Too many things have to align for this to work and I don’t like to trust too much to luck though I’ll take good luck over skill any day.

If there is still interest I’ll continue on with JD’s journey. There are just too many teaching moments in his journey that I have trouble focusing on just a few each story. I have a ton of experience in the FSU and even with my help; he still manages to muck it up. All I can say is I wish I had someone like myself to help me when I was just starting out and all JD wants to do is complain when I try and help. Later on then he eats his words and apologizes. Problem is for many of us; our reference points are all screwed up based on the cultural differences. Combine this with the fact that many of you just don’t understand women!

[Daveman]

Enjoying the saga, Taz, and some pretty sound advice you've given.  Definitely has the Stephen King kinda plot going.

I sort of amazed that you have a friend like JD though.  You seem like a gentlemanly, grounded guy and often we are measured by the friends we keep.  Just a quick question before the next installment.. you aren't continuing to assist this child in the present tense, are you?

Interesting story.

Dave

[Taz]

I understand your point about the company we keep. I tend to be the type of person that has a "project" going on. JD is sort of like my project when it comes to finding him a RW. However after my last trip with him, I've thrown that all out the window. I don't think I can do another trip with him AND assist him in any capacity outside of helping him get around.

I always subscribed to the philosophy of going on vacation and if I meet a nice woman while there, then great! I believe in serendipity. I have had several wonderfully serendipitous encounters. I wasn't chasing any women but met some wonderful ones in passing. I tend to be an optimist and a pretty positive person in general and RW seem to sense that pretty quickly. I am confident without being overly cocky. I've tried to lead JD by example but all that has done at times is foster his competitive instinct. I'll illustrate with a perfect case in point.


I was in some town I had no desire to be in other than JD wanted to meet some chick there. She turned out to look more like a guy in person but that is a story for another day. Anyway JD had this other chick lined up a lawyer and they aren’t on my to ten of all women I want to date list.

Let’s call the lawyer Rita. Rita speaks some English and agrees to meet JD that evening but invites her friend Natasha along to help out with the English translation duties. Rita’s English is ok but apparently Natasha’s is first rate. I’ve been killing time all night and just drove back to the apartment. I put the car in the secured parking about 300 meters from my apartment. JD calls me and asks me if I want to meet two really beautiful Russian women.

I reply “not really” as his idea of two beautiful women and mine are slightly (OK, greatly) different. I am looking for a beautiful soul, not just face and body. He is looking for a woman who is a Playboy model but then will complain she is too beautiful to take back home. He calls me again and insists I come meet these beautiful women or they will be insulted. So I go back out and walk the 300m to the parking and get oxran to open up the gate and get my car out.

I drive over to the cafe where they are at. I walk in and there are truly two pretty women and one of them is really attractive. I think to myself, he does have some luck finding women. I am then formally introduced to Rita and Natasha. Natasha is clearly the better looking of the two but Rita isn’t chopped meat either. They are quite pleasant women and the conversation is flowing pretty well. Natasha is doing a good job of translating but she is getting worn down a bit. I jump in to help and she really appreciates my effort.

Natasha and I are hitting it off quite nicely, better in fact than JD and Rita. JD can’t believe his eyes that within 30 minutes of meeting this woman, she is obviously ready to bed me though I am not trying to make any real advances on her. I am just appreciating her stellar personality and her physical beauty is pretty nice as well.

JD sees Natasha kiss me and I kiss her back. He somehow thinks he is “behind” and must catch up. He then starts trying to put the moves on Rita though I don’t think he is really that interested in her and this is confirmed later when the evening is over that she wasn’t really what he was looking for. Of course I asked him why did he try to make out with her then.

Anyway Natasha is obviously really into me when she decides to sit on my lap. Now I am a normal red-blooded guy and she has her intended effect on me.  I'll leave the graphic details out of this as I am not one to kiss and tell. I respect a woman and I have no desire to impune Natasha's character. She wasn't a slut or easy or anything like that. I don't know if I was her "type" but whatever chemisty we had, it was pretty intense. I am no Brad Pitt but more of a Dan Akroyd type.

JFor reasons unknown to me, JD feels he has to keep up or some other screwy notion. Finally I suggest the evening needs to wrap up as the women need to work the next day. Not to mention you should always leave them wanting for me! I offer to give everyone a ride home as I have a car. JD and Rita get in the back and Natasha and I are up front. We drop off Rita first and Natasha lives way out of town. I take Natasha back to her building and like a good gentlemen I offer to see her to the main door of her large building. I walk her to the door and like a gentleman I wait for her to go in. She invites me in to say goodbye in private. I walk her to the lift and she calls the elevator. Elevator comes and then goes. Natasha has decided she wants to disrobe me right there in the hallway as her mom is home and nobody is around and it is as private as we are going to get.

I politely decline as this isn’t what I want. I’d prefer a nicer location but it is obvious she is really into me and I suggest another time. Reluctantly she agrees but makes me promise to see her the next evening. She gives me her business card and numbers and asks me to call. I call her the next day at lunch and she meets me at lunch and her enthusiasm is just as strong if not more so than before. She wants to meet that evening. I asked if she spoke with Rita yet. She says not as Rita had to go out of town to try a case (she is apparently a trial lawyer).  We make plans to meet that evening.

I call up that evening but I get politely brushed off. I am a bit baffled. I call back again and get rebuffed again. I am a bit more insistent and push for an explanation. Apparently she spoke with Rita and somehow JD and Rita’s “relationship” has caused collateral damage to Natasha and my budding relationship. It seems that Rita politely asked Natasha not to meet with me because of JD. Natasha valued her friendship a great deal as they’ve known each other for over half their lives so I got dismissed.

Natasha said “Taz, you are a wonderful man. You are a true gentlemen and I feel your sincerity. You have a tender touch and I really want to see you again but I can’t at this time. Please forgive me.”  She then hung up and wouldn’t accept my calls or answer my emails. As luck would have it I got an email about a week ago with a more detailed explanation and another apology. Apparently Rita wouldn’t answer JD’s calls or emails. So thanks to JD, I missed out on a wonderful, funny, intelligent, sexy woman who really dug me. A woman I never wrote to and just happened to meet in passing.

[Photo Guy]

JD is such an arse. Why allow this idiot to damage your love life, via your 'friendship'? I can't believe how badly he treated Gaia during the paperwork thing. ..Imagine how he would've treated her after she relocated and married. It would've been a nightmare for her. Your special lady friend dumped you, because you had made the big mistake of forming a friendship with a total arse. If I were you, I'd give direct advice to JD, but do not hang with the guy. Let him make
trips on his own.     Thanks for the interesting story. It's a very special Christmas story. Well- maybe not. 

[Taz]

The recounting of Natasha and Rita was from our last trip together and I do mean last. His muckups with Gaia were from about 3 years ago or so. If I have the patience and emotions left, I'll continue the saga if there is enough interest.

Quite honestly it is very draining for me to write these and it does take quite a bit of time. I seem to relive each moment as if it were all fresh again. I try to focus on the main areas that can actually help someone. If possible it is always worthwhile to learn from other's mistakes. The problem is sometimes we can't see when we are making the same ones. It is sort of like the saying "you can't see the forest for the trees".

I think JD's problem is that he realizes AFTER the fact what he has done but not while in the middle of it. His emotions are too intense. In retrospect he then over analyzes it to the point he really feels bad about it and then gets PO's about it. Then he feels like he failed and he hates failure so he ultimately pushes it out of his mind and finds someway to blame the women.

I don't want everyone to think they women are totally innocent. Quite often the women have not represented themselves accurately. JD is quite accurate in describing himself and he looks like his photos if not better. He is not deceitful at all and is very honest in dealing with people. Many of these women are exactly models of portraying themselves accurately.

Unfortunately as I’ve mentioned there has been collateral damage being his friend. On occasion it has also proven beneficial as well but those times are much rarer but do occur. On the last trip where he mucked things up for me with Natasha there was also a benefit but it came too late to really act upon it but that is a story for later in the saga if I ever get there. So at this point I'll still be JD's friend just not assist any more in his meeting with women UNTIL he makes and attitude adjustment. Women can't be guilty all the time of issues nor can he be innocent all the time either... I think we all can learn from JD.

Anyway to all a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! Stories like those about JD help many of you realize how lucky you are if you’ve actually found someone in spite of all the hurdles you must overcome.

[Makkin]

 Merry Cristmas Taz....

  Thanks very much for sharing and hope you have the strength to continue with some more? If not it's okay and we understand but so far it's good stuff and full of inside views and learning.

Again Merry Christmas,

Your Friend Makkin

[AnastassiaAsh]

Yeah, Merry Christmas to you Taz too! Wonderful report i would say.

I am afraid JD is a typical WM in this endeavor. There are many more of JDs than Tazes. I don't quite get it though about JD. How can JD be such a 'package' but be so immature and emotionally psychopathic almost? Successful, smart and handsome men usually get where they are by being the opposite - mature, and they know what they want and how to get it. JD is full of contradictions.

Also, did you post JD's picture or somebody's? I don't see it for some reason.

And another little thing, was romance with Natasha before you got married or after you divorced? So sorry about your episode with your ex's daughter. This IS really over the board. How did it even come to that? 

[Eduard]

Taz,
what a great post! In my years of helping American men find and marry RWs I've seen many like JD. When I was starting out I would help a client post his profile on free Russian sites and give him login info so he could browse the profiles and pick the women he likes, and save them to "favorites" folder. Then I would log in, check out the profiles he saved and contactr the women on his behalf...well I stopped doing it that way!!! Just as you described in your post, my client would only pick the girls with professional studio photos, professional make up and lighting. And he would pass on some trully amazing beautiful girls that just had regular snap shots. Just like you I tryed to explain to my client that if you take any girl who is not plain ugly and do a professional photo job on her, then touch it up with Photoshop they are going to look amazing. Problem is that most of those girls look below average in real life. but as you I couldnt't get through. I also told him that some of the girls I was finding for him would look absolutely amazing in real life, they just didn't have professiona photos done, but he was unbending.
What was even worse that unlike agency sites who do have staff photographers sometimes and put those pro photos on their sites, these local free Russian sites contain women who will just put their snap shots on their profile. It's pretty much a sure thing that if you see a professional quality photo, this is either not the girl's real photo and she is probably not very attractive and just playing around, or a girl is a hooker. So he was saving all these fake profiles alone with escort's and gold digger (looking for a sponsor) profiles for me to contact. I did contact some because he insisted and it was obvious that they weren't real. or just gold diggers... remember, I'm from Russia and I can just look at a picture and a profile and if it doesn't add up I can tell that it's BS. But try to tell it to a guy who is in love with every model picture that he sees!!!
So I totally see your point and believe me I know how frustrating it is to try to teach someone things that are obvious to you, yet to them it's all nonesense because they "KNOW" better! In the end these couple of guys couldn't meet anyone and I gave up trying...I stay away from clients like that ever since!
Like your friend, these guys were well educated, smart and wealthy..but no sense of reality when it comes to women...

[Photo Guy]

Great report! You say it is emotionally draining and that comes through your posts,
in the form of a lively immediacy.

My conclusions about JD are:

1- He has superficial values.

2- When things go wrong, he plays the blame game, rather than
smoothing things over.

3- He's emotionally fragile, has a low threshold for tolerating the
flaws of others and his own foibles.

He has to learn to forgive himself and others. He must learn that
a '7' can be more valuable than many '10's, in terms of personality and
a lifelong commitment. His superficial view of women is immature.

[Taz]

I am afraid JD is a typical WM in this endeavor. There are many more of JDs than Tazes. I don't quite get it though about JD. How can JD be such a 'package' but be so immature and emotionally psychopathic almost? Successful, smart and handsome men usually get where they are by being the opposite - mature, and they know what they want and how to get it. JD is full of contradictions.

Also, did you post JD's picture or somebody's? I don't see it for some reason.

And another little thing, was romance with Natasha before you got married or after you divorced? So sorry about your episode with your ex's daughter. This IS really over the board. How did it even come to that? 
[/quote]

I sometimes wonder how JD became successful but I know it was his attention to detail, perseverance and intelligence. He did have a very difficult course of study in school and usually to survive the academic rigors of his chosen course of study requires a lot of work to graduate (more so than most disciplines).

I’ll try and answer your other questions Anastassia. My romance with Natasha took place well after my wife and I divorced. I am not the type of guy who would cheat on his wife. I would be lying if I said I didn’t have lots of opportunities but I didn’t take advantage of them.

As for my ex-wife, she is a good woman. Her daughter though is almost the exact opposite of her mom.  I’ll call her daughter Zhenya. Zhenya is totally out of control child and I do blame her mom for a lot of that though Zhenya has a pretty bad character. I don’t think her mom is strong enough to control her.

Whenever I tried to enforce order in our household, Zhenya would complain that I was being mean to her or hit her. Trust me there was plenty of reasons to hit her but it really isn’t my style of parenting. Zhenya thinks she is some amazing person and that everyone should treat her like a princess. She can’t even be polite or respectful to adults. I can’t wait until she goes to high school. She has such a big mouth she is going to get smacked down pretty quickly.

Sadly it will take that before she wises up. I have a son about Zhenya’s age. I told him me must protect his family from Zhenya if she is physical with him or anyone else. Girls mature physically quicker than boys until about twelve or so. So Zhenya was bigger than my children even though I have a son about her age. I told my children that if she physically hits them or hurt them they have the right to defend themselves. I taught my sons to not hit women if you can possibly avoid it and then only in self-defense. My children are very polite.

Well one day Zhenya grabbed my other son by the arm and dug her nails deep into his arm because she was mad at him for something. I wasn’t around at the time and neither was her mom. We were outside working in the yard. My son to his credit walked away. She didn’t get the reaction she expected and did it even harder. She apparently wanted him to hit her so she could run to us and complain that he hit her.

He came to me and showed me the marks on his arm. I said you have my permission to take her down the next time she does that. My son is excellent condition from playing both football and soccer all year long. Zhenya did that one more time even harder to the point of causing him to bleed. That was it for him, he knocked her flat on her butt so hard she couldn’t breathe and then came out crying to us unaware that I already knew the score. She then tried to manipulate her mom until I showed her how many times Zhenya had already scratched him.

So once I realized I had a piece of trash for a step-daughter rather than a little girl, I knew it was just a matter of time before things would unravel. It wasn’t long after that when Zhenya choked my younger son with a belt. Thankfully his older brother was there and took care of Zhenya. To this day Zhenya will keep a wide berth from my oldest son if she sees him somewhere. Zhenya is just a self-absorbed, spoiled little (well I won't write what I really think but let's just say it isn't a compliment).

At the moment I am working on the next episode of JD’s saga and I may have it wrapped up tonight.