Turboguy's K1 Ordeal

[jb]

Clyde,

I apologize for my sarcastic remark.  I was just very amused that you had a problem buying the kid a bicyle.  Insurance not withstanding, it's highly unlikely the boy would do enough damage to himself to require hostitalizaton.

The bigger question is: What are you going to do, (assuming you marry this woman), in a couple of years when the lad turns 16 and wants to get a drivers license?  And then he'll want a car, or to use yours, very soon after that.

From personal experience I'll tell you that most Russians view the gas pedal as an "on/off" switch on any vehicle.  When my boy first arrived he couldn't wait to get on the riding lawn mower. He thought he could gain experience at "driving" while mowing the lawn.  He ran it like a go-cart around the yard and just about wrecked it within 30 minutes.  No amount of my telling him to slow down made a whit of sense to him.

Four years later he's a very well adjusted young man, but it was not a cheap experience for me to get him there.

[Son of Clyde]

jb, the boy is already taking my keys and starting my car. Yesterday he actually took it out of park and was drifting down the street without me in the car. I worry about him because he is careless.

[jb]

the boy is already taking my keys and starting my car. Yesterday he actually took it out of park and was drifting down the street without me in the car.

LOL, you are in trouble.  How much English does he speak and understand?  You cannot talk to his mother, so telling her sit on the kid is not the answer.  What you are seeing is just the tip of the iceburg WRT to communications problems.

You were warned.

[Elen]

Надавать ему по шее без всяких слов!!:X 

[KenC]

Turbo,

Sorry for your troubles.  I hope everything works out for you.  We never had to go through the K-1 approval process, so I can only imagine the stress.  My wife and I just recently told the story to a friend about her interview to get a student visa.  One cannot understand how valuable it is to have a quick mind and the ability to persuade others until it is needed.  Lena played her cards exactly right and received her visa when most others were denied.  I am sure that your lady's interview being in English hurt her abilities in these areas greatly.  Best of luck to you.

Clyde,

Welcome to Fatherhood, whether you are ready or not.  I fear that you are in waaay over your head, Sir.  WTF did you think all this was going to cost?  You tracking your expenditures tells a lot.  Get the kid a bike!  It is the least you can do for turning his life upside down.  The kid didn't choose you, his Mom did.  You need to win him over if you have any chance for a reasonably calm home life.  You think you have spent a lot of money?  Just wait, because back to school shopping is soon upon you.  The $150 you are squirming about for the bike will just about cover the cost of the latest and greatest sport shoes on the market that Junior is sure to "need".  Not to mention the right jeans, shirts, ball caps, backpack, ..........  Just the fact that you are tracking expenses is a huge RED FLAG!

KenC

[Son of Clyde]

His English is passable and he is a nice looking, decent, friendly kid.

He just has a goofy side.

Actually, he only takes the keys when we are going somewhere. He likes to start the car. Yesterday he went too far.

I know you warned me. I like this kid, he just needs some reprimanding at times.

[Turboguy]

[user=130]Son of Clyde[/user] wrote:

Turboguy, it was probably unfair of me to sabotage this thread. I apologize. I was hoping to take some of the stress off of your situation. My situation gets stressful everyday even with them here sitting next to me. When your lady is safely in the US the ordeal is never over until she has adjusted to life in this country.

Everyday there will be small stressful situations. I'm not sure if your lady has children but I am blaming myself when she gets moody and in some cases it is a problem with her son and not with me.

I appreciate your good intentions Son of Clyde.   I can use any breaks in the stress I can get. 

It sounds like a classic example of "Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it"   The adjusting stage will pass and this is the hottest summer I can remember in ages.   I get to sit in air most of the time so that helps and I don't have to cut grass as often.   You need to adjust to having someone in your life too.  You will all be happy in the long run but there will be some adjusting that is for sure.   I just hope I can start dealing with those issues and not the ones I am.  

Your comments were interesting because they are fresh.   They are the trials and tribulations you are dealing with as you are facing them.   No, my gal has no kids.  I think that will make it easier.    Keep letting us know what is happing.  It is a good learning experiece for all of us.

[jb]

KenC wrote:

Just the fact that you are tracking expenses is a huge RED FLAG!

I'm going to side with Ken on this one.  You have everything costing X 2 because you immigrated a kid along with a bride-to-be.  I can tell you I spent way more than you've outlined so far,,, on day #1 when my wife arrived.  By the time day #7 arrived, I was down 10 grand and I was not, at that time, counting the dollars spent. In fact, I've never worried about how much my wife spends or costs, she's worth every penny of it. Besides, it's her money too.

What you are counting now is pennies compared to what this is going to cost you in the final summation.  I think the best thing you could do, if you really love this woman, is to take her to the mall and don't stop shopping until she has loaded up about 6 shopping bags with new outfits, shoes, handbags, etc., same thing for the kid, including a trip to Wal-Mart for a new bike.  You have turned their world upside down, it's up to you to make things right for them.  The odd thousands of dollars you spend now will greatly effect how you are precieved as a husband and a provider in the future.  If you try to cheap out now you will forever be viewed as "greedy", and this is not a good thing to a RW.

She is supposed to be thinking that she has hit the lottery by choosing you, it would be a real shame to dissapoint her at this point.  Remember, she has absolutely no idea of how things work in our economy, you can introduce her to the discount stores later.

[KenC]

I can never understand the casual way some guys act when they court a woman with children.  It is almost as though she comes with a pet or something.  Having a step child has all the same responsibilities as if the child were Fathered by you, not a minor "after thought".  Or at least it should have the same impact.  If it doesn't, then the relationship is doomed from the start.  Having step children is even more difficult than raising your own children.  With step children you have to always consider your mates wishes first and then your own.  It takes years for the "blended family" to truly blend.  Some never blend.  Gripping about expenses after just a few days proves that the guy never really thought his situation through.  Tough luck for the kid that was counting on the adults knowing what they were doing.

KenC

[Son of Clyde]

jb, KenC,

 

Her own sister, who lives in this country advised me not to buy him a bicycle until he learns his way around.

It is well within my means to afford a $150.00 bicycle, the first week we need what is necessary for the family. The bicycle comes later like week 2 or 3. 

[BC]

Kids make it more than 100% tougher. Especially so if you also have your own. Siblings will contest for anything and everything. Jealousies abound.

Over 90% of our 'confuse' has centered around kids.

[Turboguy]

Sometimes I think some of the people here get a bit carried away and try to turn mole hills into mountaiins.     I am sure Son of Clyde went into this with his eyes open.   I have to agree that bringing a fiancee is tough enough and a child would add to the adjusting process but I am sure this is not news to Clyde and he is a good guy that can handle the issues he faces. 

I do think that the issue is not the cost of a bicycle.   I don't think because Clyde commented about the cost that he was worrying about it.  I think he was trying to talk more about the issues he was facing.

I spend over $ 20,000 just getting ready for Luda.  Of course there is no Luda yet to be ready for.   I just threw away a $ 1200.00 airline ticket to boot.   Does the fact I am mentioning that indicate a read flag that I am counting the money I have wasted.  Hell no,  I couldn't care less.  Money grows on tress dosen't it.   I have learned a lot from this site and I have to think if Luda and I do make it that this place and even the advice of people who think a lot different than I do will have been a part of it. 

     

[jb]

T/G,

The fact that you've spent 20K getting ready for your g/f is stupendous and speaks highly of your commitment and ability to look ahead.  I congratulate you on your attitude.

The point Ken and I were trying to make to Clyde is simple.  You can't count pennies at this stage.

Statements like:

Her own sister, who lives in this country advised me not to buy him a bicycle until he learns his way around.

This makes no sense, if Auntie wants to come to Clyde's house and keep the kid in line, fine, that'd be great. Right now it's Clyde who has to build a relationship with the boy, every bit as much as he has to do it with the mother. And the best way to attack this problem is to do it with a lot of love, and understanding.  Not greediness. This boy also thinks they've hit the lottery by moving to the USA, his hopes are extremely high, yet very tender.  It won't take too many mistakes to turn him into a hateful enemy.  So what if the kid wrecks a bike or even the car?  It's only a thing, only money, it amounts to nothing in the long term scheme of things for a family.

Clyde, if I were you, I'd go very carefully with the reprimanding of the kid.  Mom will not like it and you will not be making points if she thinks you are against the boy. After all, at this point it's her kid, not yours.

[Bruno]

My God... what BS i read up here ... what some propose is use a lot of money on child in the hope that he love you... sorry, i have try but it is not working... yes, the child is happy but this for a short time...

What a child need is a father, not the wallet of father... you need to use a lot of time with him... he is 14 year old... you are in good shape... why not find some sport he like and make it with him... give him a lot of thing his right but have some limit, other you will build a egoist child who think only at himself... for the problem of bike, it is very simple... buy two and ride with him... the fact that you are with him will make him very happy...

And give him the time to adapt... it is maybe long time that he is without father... maybe her mother have allow him to make all he will... start the educational process slowly, not specialy with reprimand but with speaking... he is 14 year old, like a little adult... it is not more a little child...

And don't believe that it is the money spend on a woman or child who make the quality of a relation... YOU DON'T BUY THE LOVE OF A WIFE OR A CHILD, YOU WIN THEM, YOU NEED SEDUCE THEM BOTH... if you use your wallet for win the heart of your son, the day that the wallet is empty, his "love" will dissappear...


Edit :

This boy also thinks they've hit the lottery by moving to the USA, his hopes are extremely high

 

Yes, he have win the lottery... but the moving to USA have nothing to make... The lottery price is Clyde... he have win a father... a friend...

[jb]

Yes, another El Cheapo... Might explain why Bruno has done poorly at this game.

Clyde, you can do as you wish, however, I'd remind you that this woman has arrived in the USA with stars in her eyes, (kid has 'em too), if you shatter their dreams now you might as well put them on the next plane back to Ukraine.

I'm not suggesting you can buy love, but you sure as hell can screw things up right now by not paying attention to some basic needs.  Your choice, my friend.

[Bruno]

Yes, another El Cheapo... Might explain why Bruno has done poorly at this game.

About the child, i was enough succesful... but in some way, i was almost alone for educate the daughter of my ex-wife... same without working, she never find time to take her daughter at the end of school, it was myself at the evening who take her at the children garden... it was me who help her for school work, who ready food, who use time to game with her...

My ex-wife was too busy spend money in shop the week and go to disco the week-end... she have hurt physicaly several time her own daughter....

The main reason that i have stay married more that the first year was because of the child... it is not me who have game poorly, since the beginning, the dice was false... and about the result with child, it was a total success... she was like my own child...

 

[KenC]

No one is suggesting that Clyde "buys" the boys affection, but he also has to provide for his future new son too.  Buying a bike for the boy is not a luxury, it is a necessity for a 14 year old.  I am shocked that Clyde didn't have the foresight to have a bike waiting for the boy as well as some sort of play station or X box system.  The kid is 14 and he will want to fit in to his new enviornment.  Ever hear of peer pressure?  Or don't they have that in Europe?

KenC

(Father of two great young adults)

[corncrowe]

as well as some sort of play station or X box system.

Nix on that notion.  Buying a play station or x box is not a good idea.  I have "younger" children and when they lived with mommie she bought them these gadgets.  So they were anti-social because all they did all day long is play video games.

I agree with the bike though.  It's part of getting around for a kid.  My son is also 14 and he now plays with other kids and I don't allow much television. 

Jon

[Bruno]

I am shocked that Clyde didn't have the foresight to have a bike waiting for the boy as well as some sort of play station or X box system.  The kid is 14 and he will want to fit in to his new enviornment.  Ever hear of peer pressure?  Or don't they have that in Europe?

The first thing who was planned for the child when my ex-wife was coming in Belgium was a holiday with other Dutch speaking child... time for new friend and begin learn the language... in the first three month, she have receive a computer but a special one with excercice of language...

What a boy from 14 will search in first place, it is to have a lot of friend... be ready that he comeback from school with some... and if he is enough mature, maybe a girlfriend ....

When Anastasia is become more old, around her 8 year... she is become difficult... she have wish buy product of good know trademark who was more expensive... same for clothes and shoes... publicity and pression of young mode... i have resolve the problem very simply... i have not more buy something for her but give her money... we have go together to shop... and she have fast understand that buy some more cheap trademark allow her to buy more... at 10 year, she was knowing several product with the best rapport quality/price...

Now, for a son of 14 year old, it is time to see how much money you wish give him each week... and allow him to use it like he will... it is a good periode for learn the value of woman and give him some freedom, allow himself to buy his clothes and other thing... this is a part of the educational project...

Yes, the peer pressure exist in Europe... but we don't allow everything to child... and very early, we learn the value of money and how to earn it... the value of work... in the case of a young man from 14 year, you can give a basic budget... and he can earn more if he make some work home... like help cleaning house, cut gazon, make garbagge outside.... and from his 16 year old, he will be able to make student work...

And at 16 year, it will be time for the first motobike... don't pay it fully... explain him that he need spare... if he can spare some % of the price, you can pay the rest... but don't give all...

If now Clyde spoil too much the child, he go loose the control later... and really, a playstation or xbox is not something who can help him to socialize now... activity the week-end in some youth club will be more interesting for him... for have how friend and not only some of school...

[facetrock]

Clyde I think you should take Jb and KenC's advice. Go get the Ibox or Play Station. Get him his own computer. And for Christs sake go to Walmart an buy him a 70 dollar bike!! I have 3 teenage girls. They all have their own computers. Your computer will live much longer with him having his own. Those kids can download every virus known to man. You should have had this done before they ever got here. Time to go shopping Clyde. I have a fiancee that will be here early next year. I know what is going to happen. She is going to look at how other women dress and want to fit in. It will be a time to buy a whole new wardrobe, most of it anyway. She will need her own car, its sitting in my garage right now. 2001 Ford Explorer. It will get destroyed slowly, or quickly.  I get the new pickup. Decorating my house will cost some jack. I have lived alone for 5 years and I am a guy. the walls are pretty bare. English classes at the local college, they are not free. Then after that some more college since her PHD in economics doesnt mean squat here. Oh, I almost forgot, we have to have a wedding too. Health insurance, dental work, gynaclolgist and a bunch of stuff I never thought of. I will be spending money like a drunken sailor for some years to come.

TurboGuy. Your fiancee didnt know the names of your children? You showed her pictures of your children and just didnt happen to mention their names? She didnt even ask? If I was the guy doing the interveiw I would have thought WTF. How much older are you than this girl anyway?

[facetrock]

One more thing TurboGuy. My gal knows my daughters names, how old they are and knows which one is which in pictures. She knows what sports they take, where the oldest one is going to college this fall. She knows my siblings names and how old they are. My mother and father too. She knows my mailing address also. She knows the name of the college in my  town, what classes she will be taking. You know why she knows all this? Its important to her, and she gives a shit. She also speaks very good English(cant spell very good though). Amazing what you can learn about each other when you can speak the same language.

[Son of Clyde]

In case some of you don't know I have never been married. I don't have 3 wonderful teenagers. I don't have experience in this field. I learn one day at a time. I take your advice but I do what feels right to me. This is my new family and I can see what is needed and I will buy them what they want and need in due time.

Don't expect many posts from me until they are well settled.

[Shadow]

Clyde, better not listen to all the parenting advise here...probably you know better then to go on any board opinions by now already

Here is some advise from Dr Phil (yes that American show) that you might want to think about.

"Do not allow the child more because of his situation. You set the limits, and it is your job to keep them. Make sure both parents speak with one voice. "

I think this is good material. The boy knew his limits in Ukraine, but is looking for them here. Be sure to provide them, and do not let yourself or Ira allow him to get away with things because he 'had to leave'.

Decisions about what to give and what not, what to allow and what not are up to Ira and you. During this adjustment phase talk a lot with her on such subject so that if the boy comes to you, you know what his mother would tell him and vice versa.

 

[BC]

Clyde, better not listen to all the parenting advise here...probably you know better then to go on any board opinions by now already

Yeah is quite off topic anyway. Another time another thread. I'm sure Clyde has his hands full anyway

[facetrock]

I would like to know how Clyde is going to sit down and talke to Ira about what the child needs. According to Clyde she can only speak about 50 words of English. Might be hard for both to agree on something if neither of them know what the other is talking about.