FSU Realities: How does it Affect East-West Relations

[BC]

We all are proverbial 'box of chocolates' (both WM and RW).  You never really know what you are going to get.

We often talk about crazy AW's, then OTOH about nutty RW's.  Kinda strange isn't it?

I don't care how old she is or her family status or any other deficit, baggage on either or both sides WILL be involved to one extent or the other in your marriage

Success will depend totally on your ability to overcome the many obstacles that are involved with ANY marriage, including those you bring in (and don't tell me you have no baggage).

'Patience of a Saint'.. these words from jb ring loudly in my ears.

sorry.. bed time for our youngest time to read the dinosaur book.

[mischief]

Nevertheless, a dysfunctional family does no good, only harm.  I believe it leaves some mark, not necessarily a scar.  You are strong enough or good enough to have prevailed.  Not all do.  

I agree... it all comes into play when you are raising children of your own... as much as I remember my parents' mistakes (and I think I have a wonderful family overall) and sweared to myself that I would never do it to my children... here and there I find myself doing exact same thing...

[smartcat]

Regarding the "I absolutely will not accept someone who has lived with a man." - it could be a great surprise... because when the such couples part, the young woman often gets back to her mom. So she will be a NEVER MARRIED girl living in her parents' house again.

Second thing, if a woman is still living with her parents and not a virgin, very likely she can date somebody out her home, including intimate part of the relationship. What makes a difference to living to a man?
At least I see some advantages. If she is living to, she can get experience in how to get along, how to cook, etc.

[groovlstk]

My plan is to eliminate girls that deviate from the following:  22-25, both parents still married, dad has a good job.  Preferrably a sibling.  A level of education higher than the 2 year technical degrees.  Still lives at home or with some other family members (there is some wiggle room here but not much).  That's my version of risk management.

DKMM, just my take, but I was in a similar position as you were four years ago, and I understand it truly, undeniably, absolutely sucks to have to start over, and 100x worse if you have to do it with a broken heart. At the time I was crushed but I got back up on my horse and began writing to other women. I remember after a month or so I really hit it off well w/a girl from Kiev. Then, quite suddenly, as I was making plans to visit her she sent me an email explaining how her best friend married some (idiotic) wealthy American who organized their wedding in Jamaica and paid for all of her family and friends to fly there and stay at a cushy all-inclusive hotel. She hoped we could do the same but one-up her friend by choosing a fancier resort...

The sinking feeling I had in my gut at that point was horrible and I came very close to throwing in the towel. I thought my experiences had tainted me and that I could never consider the idea of looking for a spouse from the FSU without this taint affecting my ability to trust another woman or to again see the simple, rosy picture I'd had of two people looking for love outside the normal boundaries. I figured I'd never see it right again. However, in the ensuing months I came to understand that I was seeing the MOB business not with tainted glasses; I was seeing it right for the first time, seeing it the way it was and always had been and probably would always will be.

Anyway, when I started once again from scratch, I had all these arbitrary "rules" about what I would accept about a girl, similar to your list.

It didn't do me doodly squat so I abandoned it, and thank God for that as my wife would have never fit that arbitrary mold. Anyway, just food for thought; I know you want to get it right this time and it's good practice to eliminate as much risk as possible before you even book a flight for a first meeting, but I think it's a mistake to assume that the character flaws you saw in your fiancee will be common in girls who lived similarly. Having standards is a good thing, but being rigid about details that may or may not shape her character isn't.

[BC]

Back now.

Reading the above passages, 'Adversity builds character' comes to mind.

I dated a few younger women in my time and was not very impressed with their character - as it had not even formed yet!

We often talk about younger FSU women being more 'mature' than their peers in the west.  Could this be a product of the adversity they faced during a very difficult period?

[Gator]

BC wrote,

'Adversity builds character'

Exactly.  It builds and verifies character.  Excellent economy of words for my premise that I could not explain in a few paragraphs on page one.

DKMM, along this line, Keep in mind that a woman passing your criteria has led a sheltered life.  She has never been "tested."  A woman who has thrived through some rough times is battlefield proven.  You know she will be a strong partner if you, God forbid, face difficult times in the future.  

I still think your criteria are a reasonable starting point other than the one about past men.  A woman having tasted other chocolates before will recognize and better appreciate a fine premium chocolate when she finds one.  My earlier question about double standards is valid.  Although your criteria seemingly would eliminate most RW, you have managed to find a fair number in one village.  

BC wrote,

We all are proverbial 'box of chocolates' (both WM and RW).  You never really know what you are going to get.

The philosophy of Forrest Gump's mama.  So DKMM, you should nibble on a number of many Russian chocolates.

[Gator]

 

DKMM may look for a homely girl

My impression is that DKMM is not searching for unattractive women.  Besides, this criterion would eliminate all RW.

BF,  you are so smart, and such an excellent writer, that it took me…what….a year to catch you?  Not to put words in your mouth, but “homebody” is probably the word you want.

I would have let it slide but you caught me a couple of times with some humorous mistakes.  And I do not want you to tell one of those Raleigh women that she is “homely,” especially if true.  That would make you an arrogant Muscovite.

My urbane Swedish friend, professor at Royal University of Stockholm, once told my wife that our house is very homely.

[Blues Fairy]

Oops my mistake!

I was searching for a calque to "домашняя девочка" - perhaps domestic girl would be the correct word, or your suggested "homebody".

[mischief]

Oops my mistake!

I was searching for a calque to "домашняя девочка" - perhaps domestic girl would be the correct word, or your suggested "homebody".

homebody means a person who prefers staying at home rather than do anything else... maybe "family girl" will work better...  reminded me: the other day "Family Guy" was on TV and my 3year old son cried happily: "Mom, my favourite show is on!"  :hairraising:

[ScottinCrimea]

The ultimate question is not only whether the girl meets DKMM's criteria, but whether he fits the criteria of such a girl.  You need to step back and think about the type of man and the type of life such a girl would want.

It reminds me of what what one man said- "I can have any woman I please. The problem is that I don't please many."

[Voyageur]

DKMM,

I second Groovlstk's comments. I also had a tough time finding my sweetheart. I learned about scammers and was burned a time or two along the way.  I also met some sincere women but the magic just wasn't there.  Learn from what you have been through and hope for finally receiving your share of good luck.  I truly think that luck is something that is too often not mentioned in finding your mate. It is as important an ingredient as anything else I can think of.

One thing that you should not do, is to allow your past experiences to negatively influence a new relationship with a decent woman.  This is not to say that you should make the same mistake two times, but if you have found a sincere woman (that you are 100 % sure about) you shouldn't place overly harsh or limiting conditions on your new relationship.  It is a balance between learning from the past but keeping a fresh optimism for your future together.

[SANDRO43]

We all are proverbial 'box of chocolates' (both WM and RW). You never really know what you are going to get.

Which reminds me .
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dy6uLfermPU[/youtube]

[DKMM]

Interesting thread progression.  The 12 hour days at the office kept me away until now.

You all can call my rules arbitrary or whatnot, I do not care in the slightest.  I am only looking for the same standards as I am.  I nearly got schooled by a smokin hotkova last year but here I am ready to go again.  Gator you are right, I am looking for someone of J's quality.  And why not, she eventually wanted me too.  (and so does my ex E, she is trying frantically to change my mind).  J is now dating a man who drives a Bentley and is two years younger than me (they sure move up fast over there don't they?!).  She still is a very good friend and I'm glad I met her...

Groov, your post was right on for me until about a month ago when I stopped being sad about it because I finally realized the nightmare I avoided.  The thing is, I have no trouble getting girls to like me. Which brings me to Scott, I'm not trying to be delusional its simply a fact of my life being younger, good looking and well off it tends to happen.  I am not without my faults (E could back up that statement loudly) but I have had girls fall in love with me in Russia easily.  Even the 19 year old hot translator that worked for Richard risked her job so she could sneak me out with her between dates (I hope he isn't reading this hehe) and I found out later she was cheating on her live in man to be with me.  Bla bla bla I'm sure you all don't care.

Well the reality is this, I have my choice over there of who will be initially interested in me.  I need to find a girl that is closer to my own situation so that means coming from a normal and good family.  I don't mean to offend any ladies here who were brought up in different circumstances, I know I'm lucky in life and its humbling too.   I also will not date any 10s they are too damn full of themselves and proud.  Still, my writing campaigns have given me too much to choose from even from the smallish city I'm going to so I just have to keep it together long enough for the meetings.  We all know that meeting someone even for an hour will do more than months of letters can ever accomplish.  Finally I absolutely abhor leading someone on and after the broken hearts I left in Tver I learned from that too.

So there ya have it, DKMMs next adventure coming up shortly. 

[Gator]

DKMM,

For sure you are having a great time and lots of fun.      Many readers are envious.

The two RW you dated seriously (trips together, etc.) also seem to be having a great time!!!  Will this trend continue with your soon to be third serious girlfriend?

Nothing wrong with what your two past RW were doing considering their age, except you want to settle down and they were not motivated to marry.

I hope your next trip produces a woman who is as motivated as you.  However, you seem to have this great capacity to find women whose "off-on" switch is easily tripped. 

This time try avoid rushing to judgment, i. e. pairing off with just one RW soon after your arrival.    Restrain your heart.  Instead, have fun and proceed slower:  meet many RW for fun, become semi-serious with 2-3 concurrently (not just meeting them), and progress until someday you know absolutely in your heart that the lovely dyev beside you is loving you and is ready for lifetime commitment.

The "concurrent" part almost makes you a sex tourist - you receive a waiver because you are dead serious about the goal of developing a loving relationship with one and marrying her.

I do not know what your future RW girlfriends will say; then again, I do not know women in their age group. 

Regarding the Bentley, two years ago in Dnepropetrovsk I saw five of them.  Repeat:  five, middle sized city, Ukraine, two years ago.  Things have gotten much better since then, especially in Russia.  It sounds like many RM are enjoying the money that Americans are spending for gasoline.