Why Beautiful Women Marry Less Attractive Men.....

[BeenThereDoneThat]

Why Beautiful Women Marry Less Attractive Men
By; Jeanna Bryner, LiveScience Staff Writer (LiveScience.com)
Thu Apr 10, 11:25 AM ET

Women seeking a lifelong mate might do well to choose the guy a notch below them in the looks category. New research reveals couples in which the wife is better looking than her husband are more positive and supportive than other match-ups.

The reason, researchers suspect, is that men place great value on beauty, whereas women are more interested in having a supportive husband.

Researchers admit that looks are subjective, but studies show there are some universal standards, including large eyes, "baby face" features, symmetric faces, so-called average faces, and specific waist-hip ratios in men versus women.

Past research has shown that individuals with comparable stunning looks are attracted to each other and once they hook up they report greater relationship satisfaction. These studies, however, are mainly based on new couples, showing that absolute beauty is important in the earliest stages of couple-hood, said lead researcher James McNulty of the University of Tennessee. But the role of physical attractiveness in well-established partnerships, such as marriage, is somewhat of a mystery.

The new study, published in the February issue of the Journal of Family Psychology, reveals looks continue to matter beyond that initial attraction, though in a different way.

Supportive spouses

McNulty's team assessed 82 couples who had married within the previous six months and had been together for nearly three years prior to tying the knot. Participants were on average in their early to mid-20s.

Researchers videotaped as each spouse discussed with their partner a personal problem for 10 minutes. The tapes were analyzed for whether partners were supportive of spouses' issues, which included goals to eat healthier, to land a new job and to exercise more often.

"A negative husband would've said, 'This is your problem, you deal with it,'" McNulty said, "versus 'Hey, I'm here for you; what do you want me to do?; how can I help you?'"

A group of trained "coders" rated the facial attractiveness of each spouse on a scale from 1 to 10, with the perfect 10 representing the ultimate babe. About a third of the couples had a more attractive wife, a third a more attractive husband and the remaining partners showed matching looks.

Trophy wives

Overall, wives and husbands behaved more positively when the woman was better looking.

The finding "seems very reasonable," said Dan Ariely, a professor of behavioral economics at MIT's Program in Media Arts and Sciences and Sloan School of Management. "Men are very sensitive to women's attractiveness. Women seem to be sensitive to men's height and salary," said Ariely, who was not involved in the recent study.

In couples with more attractive husbands, both partners were less supportive of one another. McNulty suggests wives mirror, in some ways, the level of support they get from husbands.

"The husband who's less physically attractive than his wife is getting something more than maybe he can expect to get," McNulty told LiveScience. "He's getting something better than he's providing at that level. So he's going to work hard to maintain that relationship."

Men who are more attractive than their partners would theoretically have access to partners who are more attractive than their current spouses, McNulty said. The "grass could be greener" mentality could make these men less satisfied and less committed to maintain the marriage.

Physical attractiveness of husbands is not as important to women, the researchers suggest. Rather, wives are looking for supportive husbands, they say.

So it seems the mismatch in looks is actually a perfect match. "Equitable is unlikely to mean the same on every dimension," Ariely said during a telephone interview. "It just means that overall two people make sense together."

[Misha]

One of my wife's Russian friends is cautious as to helping her husband look better. She knows she could make him more attractive by making him upgrade his wardrobe. However, she figures that if she made him more attractive, other women would then be more likely to try and snag him away from her. She therefore doesn't work at making him more attractive as a strategy to keep away competition 

[Lily]

I don't quite agree with many things that the author has said.

At the same time, the aithor missed a point that the man has to be attractive for the partucular woman. Another thing would be that many man has a great skills to make themselves attractive, despite being not that handsomely gifted from the nature.

I believe that if a woman says that her man should not be attractive, she may be interested in his wallet more than in himself. I see this point is arguable, though. Otherwise, having said this, she may still mean that he should be attractive, but attractive just for her, not for everyone.

[Misha]

I don't quite agree with many things that the author has said.

At the same time, the aithor missed a point that the man has to be attractive for the partucular woman. Another thing would be that many man has a great skills to make themselves attractive, despite being not that handsomely gifted from the nature.

I believe that if a woman says that her man should not be attractive, she may be interested in his wallet more than in himself. I see this point is arguable, though. Otherwise, having said this, she may still mean that he should be attractive, but attractive just for her, not for everyone.

How can I explain it properly. A lot of single guys have to potential to be very attractive. However, they do not know how to choose the right clothes or may not coordinate their clothing properly. Women tend to be better at helping men choose clothes. If you have an attractive guy who does not dress as well as he could, his wife could help him go from attractive to very attractive. That is the case with my wife's friends husband. He is not a bad looking guy, but can't really dress well enough to be very attractive. However, if his wife were to help him dress properly, she risks drawing the attention of other women to him. She finds him attractive, of course, but does not want to make him too attractive to other women  Or so goes the logic of my wife's friend.

[mspanky]

I believe that if a woman says that her man should not be attractive, she may be interested in his wallet more than in himself. I see this point is arguable, though. Otherwise, having said this, she may still mean that he should be attractive, but attractive just for her, not for everyone.

 Lilly,

 sometimes I think scientist just want to make the studies go their way because most are not exactly JFK jr.

 I believe if you are going to be married and having sexual relations you both need to be attracted to one another.

 I also believe many women suffer from insecurities and feel safer to have a man who they are not attracted to in order to have a peaceful and lasting match. Most of the times somethings gotta give. So i a woman sacrifices her sexual attraction for stable partner she may either not be interested in sex and or may sneak off on the side for her sexual thrills when she wants.

[Blues Fairy]

Apples and oranges. 

[Misha]

Lilly,

 sometimes I think scientist just want to make the studies go their way because most are not exactly JFK jr.

 I believe if you are going to be married and having sexual relations you both need to be attracted to one another.

 I also believe many women suffer from insecurities and feel safer to have a man who they are not attracted to in order to have a peaceful and lasting match. Most of the times somethings gotta give. So i a woman sacrifices her sexual attraction for stable partner she may either not be interested in sex and or may sneak off on the side for her sexual thrills when she wants.

The hypothesis they had was that a very attractive man had many other options and may sneak off on the side. The more handsome a man is the easier it is for him to be a "бабник" (babnik = womanizer). A very attractive man will put less effort into the marriage, because he knows he can attract other women equally attractive. The idea would be that a less attractive man with a more attractive woman will know that he is unlikely to find another attractive woman, so he will devote more time and energy to his wife.

[LenaC]

I see another big tendency lately; HOT man and really ugly woman next to him. This types of couples I see in San Diego a lot! What's up with that? :noidea:

[Jet]

I see another big tendency lately; HOT man and really ugly woman next to him. This types of couples I see in San Diego a lot! What's up with that? :noidea:

I read an article a long time ago that suggested that relationships between beautiful woman and handsome man often failed because BOTH were used to being the center of attention, and they had a hard time sharing the spotlight. It went on to say that gender wasn't important, but that a less attractive partner would be more thankful for the opportunity to "trade up" and that would be a source of food for the more attractive partner's ego. When both are equally attractive it becomes a competition. At the time it made sense to me.

[Serebro]

I don't have a husband but as for my boy friend looking at our pictures I consider him to be more attractive than I am.
The pictures he sent to me at the beginning were really bad in comparison with what he looks like.
At the same time he tries to get rid of his being handsome by making ugly pictures, wearing ugly clothes and having ugly hair cuts...

[Misha]

I read an article a long time ago that suggested that relationships between beautiful woman and handsome man often failed because BOTH were used to being the center of attention, and they had a hard time sharing the spotlight. It went on to say that gender wasn't important, but that a less attractive partner would be more thankful for the opportunity to "trade up" and that would be a source of food for the more attractive partner's ego. When both are equally attractive it becomes a competition. At the time it made sense to me.

That would explain why most Hollywood marriages have such a short duration on average. If you have two attractive stars who are used to being  worshiped by all, both would expect as much from their partner. As such, both would invariably be disappointed.

[Gator]

At the same time he tries to get rid of his being handsome by making ugly pictures, wearing ugly clothes and having ugly hair cuts...

Are you sure he is purposefully trying, or is this his natural style and he thinks he looks best this way?     Us Americans (assuming he is American), have a diffferent sense of fashion as you would know from living here.  

You need to take charge, Serebro, at least vwith regard to this issue.

[Serebro]

Are you sure he is purposefully trying, or is this his natural style and he thinks he looks best this way?     Us Americans (assuming he is American), have a diffferent sense of fashion as you would know from living here.  

You need to take charge, Serebro, at least vwith regard to this issue.

Yes, I know, that was why I used a smile....
I don't think that he thinks he looks best this way, I think that he doesn't pay attention to what he wears, it's fine, as I don't like men who worry about their look a lot.
I have already told you that if I hadn'e been to the US before I would have found him insane after meeting him at the airport...

[Misha]

Slate has an interesting piece that fits into this discussion: The Eligible-Bachelor Paradox. How economics and game theory explain the shortage of available, appealing men.

This online examines why women bemoan the fact that there are few eligible bachelors (simply put, men they would want to marry: tall, handsome, successful, wonderful personality, etc.) as they age. Instead, all of the unmarried men do not measure up to their standards.

The article is based on the premise that women let it be known to men that they are waiting for a proposal and then wait for the proposal. They are the ones who must be courted. This leads to a dynamic whereby less attractive women (and men) can end up with a partner who is more attractive:

"You can think of this traditional concept of the search for marriage partners as a kind of an auction. In this auction, some women will be more confident of their prospects, others less so. In game-theory terms, you would call the first group "strong bidders" and the second "weak bidders." Your first thought might be that the "strong bidders"—women who (whether because of looks, social ability, or any other reason) are conventionally deemed more of a catch—would consistently win this kind of auction.

But this is not true. In fact, game theory predicts, and empirical studies of auctions bear out, that auctions will often be won by "weak" bidders, who know that they can be outbid and so bid more aggressively, while the "strong" bidders will hold out for a really great deal."

Simply put, those who are less attractive often try harder and as a consequence, are more successful. In this context, a less than stunning woman can end up marrying more easily than a more attractive rival, simply because she knows that she cannot be as fussy.

The end result is that you end up with women who say there are no eligible men they would want to marry:

"This is how you come to the Eligible-Bachelor Paradox, which is no longer so paradoxical. The pool of appealing men shrinks as many are married off and taken out of the game, leaving a disproportionate number of men who are notably imperfect (perhaps they are short, socially awkward, underemployed). And at the same time, you get a pool of women weighted toward the attractive, desirable "strong bidders."

Where have all the most appealing men gone? Married young, most of them—and sometimes to women whose most salient characteristic was not their beauty, or passion, or intellect, but their decisiveness."

To extrapolate, the "weak bidder" who has won the auction (whether male or female) will likely put in the effort as they realize that they won the auction not because of a strong bid, but because of their persistence. They are thus IMHO to channel that persistence in the marriage that follows.

What international dating does, therefore, is simply give "bidders" the option of visiting another auction. The same logic can be applied to the FSU: it is not simply that there are no "bidders" for women in the auction that is love and marriage, rather the women do not want many of the men that would be bidding (this point was brought up by Lily in another thread). This gives them an option other than simply settling.

 

[KenC]

I see another big tendency lately; HOT man and really ugly woman next to him. This types of couples I see in San Diego a lot! What's up with that? :noidea:

Awww, come on Honey, you really are not too bad!
 
KenC

[mspanky]

I see another big tendency lately; HOT man and really ugly woman next to him. This types of couples I see in San Diego a lot! What's up with that? :noidea:

 I think some guys are insecure or just don't want to compete for attention. And as someone else suggested, many good looking people may want someone who kisses their butt.

  I know men who will sneak and go off with a woman who isn't an ideal beauty because of how she makes him feel about himself. But he'll never go out in public with her. He instead will present the public with a beautiful women who he may feel is his superior and therefore requires more work.

   I also know a girl of Russian decent who will date men who are less than "average".  She is very honest and has told me "ugly men" appreciate her more and therefore more grateful to be with her ,spoil her and put her on a pedestal.

  She also likes the attention she gets while out as many men (and women) will do a double take when she's out with her date. She says more men will actually flirt with her when she is with an ugly man as they probably figure they can beat out the "competition easily". What they don't understand is her personality and low self esteem requires a man uglier than herself and dating men who are good looking would probably make her the vulnerable one in the relationship therefore leaving her with "less perceived power". She has admitted she doesn't like sex at all and an ugly man is easier to control and will accept her lack of sexual passion. Since he appreciates her presence and the clout she brings him. Where as a good looking man will not.

 I think it's pretty shallow. I think many "average"guys  or gals who put  look first usually end up being a slave in the relationship, unless they're very rich. The ugly partner is more likely to put up with bad behavior,infidelity,being treated as inferior while having to treat the other as superior. Probably why these marriages last longer. Guys and gals are tripping over themselves to keep Mr. or Ms. Perfect happy, since they're so scared to lose them.

[Blues Fairy]

Simply put, those who are less attractive often try harder and as a consequence, are more successful. In this context, a less than stunning woman can end up marrying more easily than a more attractive rival, simply because she knows that she cannot be as fussy.

Interesting theory - however, from what I have observed, less attractive women are less confident and less decisive, but a lot more accepting of men's flaws.  They do not aggressively bid; they simply adore and accept without much questioning, because their low self-esteem tells them "this is your first and last chance!"  What man, attractive or not, will resist such a treatment?  Attractive and successful men crave recognition as much as unattractive.  They look for a person who will unquestioningly adore and worship them.  Not easy to find that kind of attitude among A-list beauties.  

UPD.
mspanky, while I was typing, you expressed exactly the same thought.

[Misha]

They do not aggressively bid; they simply adore and accept without much questioning, because their low self-esteem tells them "this is your first and last chance!"  What man, attractive or not, will resist such a treatment?

Ah, but that is their bid A very attractive woman very often sends out signals that she is aloof. Many men will not risk asking out a very beautiful woman for fear of rejection. Much easier to go out with a woman who sends out the message that she will adore them and there is no risk of rejection. As a consequence, attractive women will only get asked out by men who do not fear rejection, and these are not necessarily the most attractive men, but the men with the thickest skins.

[groovlstk]

What man, attractive or not, will resist such a treatment?  Attractive and successful men crave recognition as much as unattractive.  They look for a person who will unquestioningly adore and worship them.  

Allow me to chime in on behalf of all unattractive men

Women who unquestionly adore and worship a guy are... boring as all hell, not to mention annoying

[Misha]

Allow me to chime in on behalf of all unattractive men

Women who unquestionly adore and worship a guy are... boring as all hell, not to mention annoying

Ah, but would you be willing to adore and worship a beautiful woman to keep her? 

[KenC]

Ah, but would you be willing to adore and worship a beautiful woman to keep her? 

It is just such actions that will make you lose her IMO.  Beautiful women have been adored and worshiped for their beauty all their lives.  It is nothing new to them and in a real sense it is a turn off to many of them, if done to excess. Now if a man can look past that outer beauty and recognise the value of her other qualities, then you will get and be able to maintain her attention!

Once, early on in Lena and my relationship, I was gushing over how beautiful she was.  Her response, I will never forget; "So what?  Yes, I am beautiful, but that beauty will fade over time and I will be left with how good a person I am on the inside."  Lena's outer beauty made me turn my head to her, but the beauty of her soul is what I fell in love with.
KenC

[Misha]

In my case, I ended up insulting my wife on our first date. I told her that she was not really my type LOL. Given that she was used to having men falling over her, she was a bit taken aback and in certain ways tried harder on our first date to impress me 

[Blues Fairy]

Given that she was used to having men falling over her, she was a bit taken aback and in certain ways tried harder on our first date to impress me 

This kind of response requires lots of confidence and high self-esteem.  A wimp would just get offended and bail out at the first opportunity.

I'm amazed, however, at how many really attractive people have very low self-esteem that drives them to "bid" way below their winning potential.

[TKO55]

Physical attractiveness of husbands is not as important to women, the researchers suggest. Rather, wives are looking for supportive husbands, they say.
So it seems the mismatch in looks is actually a perfect match.

Wow! Great news for us ugly guys! So much for the "Out of your League" theory!
...Does anyone have Pamela Anderson's phone number? 

[KenC]

This kind of response requires lots of confidence and high self-esteem.  A wimp would just get offended and bail out at the first opportunity.

I'm amazed, however, at how many really attractive people have very low self-esteem that drives them to "bid" way below their winning potential.

Blues Fairy,
Of course self esteem is the key here.  One must feel that they deserve such a beauitful or handsome partner.
KenC