How much money to send to wife

[Markus]

Sir,

Wow. I always wonder about someone who makes a man who's methods led him to propose
on the first meeting look good. Frankly, this story doesn't seem true to me. I'll be married
for 4 years in July on my method, one that's not for everyone, but this guy makes me look
like a genius. In some terms, a lucky guy. Either way, I'm living the results of my actions
and I don't think this guy has considered how he will be living.

You are setting a trend that will increase monetarily after your wife arrives.
I didn't send any money to my wife while in waiting. When I visited while waiting, I would
give her some money but it wasn't even close to what you're giving.
I never allowed myself to get on the payment plan. And not one time did my wife ask for money.

Now, I just walked into the other room to ask my wife how much he made in 1 month. The answer: $300. She did state that that was 4 years ago. Her sister, who is 24, makes $500 a month now. My wifes sister has a degree in computers. My wife has a degree in law and designing clothes.

So, doing the math, you're sending $800 a month, more than she probably makes in 1 month.
Dang, she probably looks at you like the money king. And, when she comes to your home, she
will be in heaven and will receive even more money.  She will expect more money.

You have dug a hole for yourself. How you get out of that hole is a different thread. If I was you, I
would ask on this board how to get out of that hole. If you suddenly stop your payments, you will
have dug an even bigger hole.



Mark

[wxman]

I don't see a problem with him sending $800 a month to his WIFE. This is his WIFE, not girlfriend. It's one thing sending a girlfriend or even a fiancee that type of money, but not one's wife. $800 a month in Ukraine or Russia does not create a life of luxury. She indeed may be better off than others in her city, but wouldn't want your wife to live better than what to majority of the people do over there? The majority are not living a lifestyle I would consider easy. With inflation at 20% in Ukraine, the average $500 a month salary does not go very far anymore.

[Turboguy]

I don't see a problem with him sending $800 a month to his WIFE. This is his WIFE, not girlfriend. It's one thing sending a girlfriend or even a fiancee that type of money, but not one's wife. $800 a month in Ukraine or Russia does not create a life of luxury. She indeed may be better off than others in her city, but wouldn't want your wife to live better than what to majority of the people do over there? The majority are not living a lifestyle I would consider easy. With inflation at 20% in Ukraine, the average $500 a month salary does not go very far anymore.

Personally getting her used to living better than the majority of the people there would scare me.   She would arrive expecting to live better than the majority of the people here too.   Yes, perhaps if she was arriving to live in my mansion and she could have her pick of driving the Rolls, the Boxter or the Jag then I would not care much.  If leading a nice but fairly normal life and having some financial solvency and spending my money wisely were my lifestyle, as it is, then I think her arrival after getting used to living the high life would be the next step in my financial doom.

That does not mean I would want her dumpster diving for her groceries while she waited.  I would consider the proper situation to be her living about like she did before she met me while she waited for the visa as long as that was not in a substandard level.   Yes, some things extra such as getting dental work there where it is cheaper might be something I would look on as a good investment. 

[UTRO]

I have to agree that Neil does have the responsibility to ensure his wife has the necessities of life. I have always shared bank accounts with my significant others'. I have never kept a secret stash. I have never given 'Allowances' as I believe it to be derogatory and demeaning. I do believe in marriage as being an Equal Partnership. I have never experienced regret with this Principal.
The thing that bothers me with Neil's situation is that he married so soon. Regardless of whether a Woman is from the FSU, or the West, common sense dictates that you need to get to know your partner before a commitment like marriage. I know, I know, most will argue that many, if not most, men on this Site didn't do so. Perhaps common sense was kicked to the side the first day we all began our search for an FSU wife ???  Point of example is a friend at work who went to Thailand to meet a girl. She never showed up when he arrived. He met another girl while he was there. After a week he came back to Canada. Three months later he returned to Thailand and married this girl. Nine months later she is now here with him, arrived early April. Seems like a really nice girl. Personally, I couldn't do what he did. Then again I never knew him to have had a steady girlfriend in the 15 years I've known him. What was his motivation? Loneliness?? His Mum died 4 months before going to Thailand. He was 43 when she died and he lived with her all those 43 years.... I hope it works out for him. I know he had to pay her debts before she was allowed to immigrate. He wasn't too happy about it.
So Neil, you are married and as such you are Partners. Before she comes to meet the Queen, get to know her on her turf. Spend as much time with her in her city in her flat... Not in a Tropical Paradise. Personally there are too many Red Flags. Yes the dental work was a great deal but she never discussed getting the, "full treatment" before getting the Full Treatment. The Kid thing bothers me way too much as well. What is she going to do with the child when she gets to the UK? Throw him/her into your Mum or Sister's lap?
For me it would be reckless and irresponsible to get to know any woman After marrying her. That's what Courtship is for.... and it's the time to find out if you are dating a scammer.... not after.
Bonne Chance.

[AnastassiaAsh]

Well, here goes another thread explaining WHY scammers exist. It is not even sad anymore...

After reading hundreds and hundreds of stories of this sort, i sometimes begin to think that i am a total naive idiot who worked and didn't ask for a dollar, who paid for lots of things herself (while waiting in Russia for sure) and sent presents to HIM! Wow!

How can just signing a peace of paper in ZAGS make you become 'husband' and 'wife'? 

[KenC]

Dan says:

For me, it comes down to this:

She is YOUR WIFE!

A *man* takes care of his WIFE.

Period. End of story.

Anastassia says:

How can just signing a peace of paper in ZAGS make you become 'husband' and 'wife'? 

So which is it folks?  Should Neil treat this woman that he is legally married to (in the eyes of Ukraine, as the UK has some doubts) as a full fledged "wife?"  Or is her status in some grey area where she is only in the process of becoming a wife?  Obviously, they have not fulfilled the normal "requirements" most would think mandatory before matrimony and it is also obvious that there are some trust issues here too.

Married or not married? :noidea:
KenC

[I/O]

Married or not married? :noidea:
KenC

There's another word I'd use in other company.

I/O

[BillyB]

Dan says:
Anastassia says:
So which is it folks?  Should Neil treat this woman that he is legally married to (in the eyes of Ukraine, as the UK has some doubts) as a full fledged "wife?"  Or is her status in some grey area where she is only in the process of becoming a wife?  Obviously, they have not fulfilled the normal "requirements" most would think mandatory before matrimony and it is also obvious that there are some trust issues here too.

I'd say neil should be ready to take care of his wife as necessary as soon as he married her. He even told her to quit her job and willing sent nearly $900 a month. But from his side of the story, he insunuates she is not financially responsible by always asking for more than the necessities, and she is going to sink their relationship at that pace. No money=no family. Makes sense. The question is if neil's wife is doing her role in their marriage and it's something neil would have to ask himself and talk to her about what he can and can't give financially. There must be give and take in a marriage, not just "take" from one side.

As Anastassia mention, she sent her husband gifts and worked while waiting in Russia and didn't ask for a dollar. She proved to her husband that she will help the family finacially while he's away, send him gifts showing him he's special to her, and basically doing things a good/responsible wife does in the situation of being apart. Both husband and wife need to be responsible to each other. Neil may have gotten himself over his head by volunteering her an allowance but if he says he has to limit the flow due to what his finances will allow, she should limit her flow of needs and offer to go back to work and be a team player.

When neil has of if he had a serious talk with his wife about finances and what he can't and can afford, her reaction will be a telling sign how what direction their marriage is going to take. She can be mature, understanding and offer to work or she can throw a fit like some 3 year old child who doesn't get everything he/she wants. Neil and everyone who is thinking about marrying any woman need to ask himself if he trusts and is ready to allow his woman full access to his bank account before proposing.

[KenC]

So, Billy,
You think that Neil should give his "wife" full access to his bank accounts even though he has admitted here that he may have made a mistake in marrying to soon?

Neil cannot go back and undo things (mistakes) he has done, he can only deal with the situation at hand.  Does this mistake (marrying too soon) mean he should make more mistakes?  If one thinks the marriage is a bit of a sham.  Or should he cut his losses and go back to step number two and try to get to know his "wife" better before he gives her full reins in the "marriage?"
KenC

[AnastassiaAsh]

I think he should cut his losses, divorce on the paper, and get back to step number zero - that is rest for several months, and then come back to searching for an HONEST and hardworking wife who would contribute into the family/relationship, not drain it... but i suppose it takes a PhD to be able to do that, simple folks just can't even understand it...  or can they?

[groovlstk]

I think he should cut his losses, divorce on the paper, and get back to step number zero - that is rest for several months, and then come back to searching for an HONEST and hardworking wife who would contribute into the family/relationship, not drain it... but i suppose it takes a PhD to be able to do that, simple folks just can't even understand it...  or can they?

I agree 100% with Anastassia. Many guys here obviously believe in the sanctity and sacredness of marriage. I do too, but it's obvious that Neil and his wife have very different ideas. A marriage is sacred only to the point that both husband and wife believe and honor it; without that (which is obviously the case here) it's nothing but a piece of paper and a stamp.

[KenC]

OK Anastassia and Groovlsk,
I happen to agree with the two of you, but......
don't you two think that maybe, just maybe there is a chance to save this situation?  There had to have been some reason for this couple to jump into marriage, whether those reason were valid or not is another issue.  Is there no hope for a save here?

A while back I nicknamed a guy "One Week Wonder" for getting engaged within the first week of his knowing a RW.  Man, did I ever give him grief for that silly action.  However, Mark (the OWW) made many trips back to the fsu before his fiancee came to America.  Clearly, he did things out of order, but in the end, he did know his RW well and they are in their 4th year of marriage. 

My point is that Neil admittedly made a mistake by jumping in to this marriage.  Is there no way for him to go back and make things right?
KenC

[catzenmouse]

My point is that Neil admittedly made a mistake by jumping in to this marriage.  Is there no way for him to go back and make things right?

No, there is no way for him to make things right.

There "is" a chance for them to make things right. IF they want to do it and IF they are willing to make some changes in HOW they have done things up to this point.

Do I personally think this will happen. In a word, no. I would really like to be proven wrong and find out 5 years from now that they pulled it together and did what was needed to become one.

[AnastassiaAsh]

Well, guys, this gets too complicated when it's not a Christian marriage and there were no vows before God (Neil, did you marry in church?)

Any way - for me marriage is first of all a vow to God. Everything else that has to happen later is ok documents wise and signatures, but signing a paper is not really a marriage for me. Now, supposedly these guys just went to ZAGS, so I am trying (allthough very hard for me) to look at this whole deal with the eyes of an unbeliever. Thus divorcing is ok, especially if his 'wife' is robbing and abusing him and he is blind. Well, before it gets into UK, I think the best is to divorce and start all over again. There is nothing that holds people together in this kind of marriage, it is so different and strange to me i can only guess. This is a total mess and the only way to get out of it is get out of it the way he got into it.

The amount of time people spend together before marriage is also very relative. I have been corresponding with Lance then for just 4 months, he came once and proposed in 3 days, i accepted - we were so sure, it was so natural, that's it, no other visits! it may seem crazy for the outsider but it was not for us....whatever...it is up to people how much time they will need. The matter is that Neil didn't do his homework well enough and now is sad for his F. What other metaphor can i use? Very sorry, Neil.

Also, i forgot to say that at this age people do not change, vice versa, all the traits become 10 times stronger, bad or good. UNLESS they all become born again Christians and start pulling it all together... but a person should want to do that him/herself and go through some emotional pains for a year or two....i don't think it is happening...

[LiveFromUkraine]

Geez people.  I am glad your spouses didn't give up on you at what could be misunderstandings.  Let's not even talk about the cultural differences here and the different expectations based on media, friends, hype and so on that can add to the misunderstandings.  I guess handing out divorce advice is all good and dandy when it is someone else's family on the other side of the computer.  He may have made a mistake and may have not made a mistake in marrying this woman.  Regardless I think he should try everything he can to make sure the marriage is nonexistant before divorcing.  I can see some why the divorce rate is so high.


Just my opinion of course.



Thomas

[KenC]

Anastassia,
WOW, so YOU were a one week wonder too?   

Putting aside the religious issues for a moment, you don't think that Neil and his "wife" should at least try to save the "marriage?" (such as it is)  Couldn't Neil go to his wife and just be honest with her?  "Honey, we screwed up and jumped the gun here.  Let's get to know each other much better before we proceed."  Or maybe not even pronounce it, just do it!  I guess my thoughts are that two hasty decisions might not make it right.  (One being the marriage and the other being the divorce)  I admit that I probably take marriage o lot more serious than either of these two, but once in it, I think one should do everything possible to try to save it.  And they are both "in it" up to their ears.
KenC

[LiveFromUkraine]

Well, guys, this gets too complicated when it's not a Christian marriage and there were no vows before God (Neil, did you marry in church?)

Why do you need to be Christian to have a valid marriage?  I didn't get married in a Christian church and believe my marriage is just as valid as anyone here. 


My vows were to my wife.   God is not required in this endeavor IMO.


Thomas

[KenC]

No, there is no way for him to make things right.

There "is" a chance for them to make things right. IF they want to do it and IF they are willing to make some changes in HOW they have done things up to this point.

Do I personally think this will happen. In a word, no. I would really like to be proven wrong and find out 5 years from now that they pulled it together and did what was needed to become one.

Catz,
Aren't you being just a little schizophrenic in your answers?   

No they have no chance

Well, if they do this or that

Nope, no chance at all. (but I could be proven wrong)
 

Sorry, I just thought your answers were funny.
KenC

[KenC]

Why do you need to be Christian to have a valid marriage?  I didn't get married in a Christian church and believe my marriage is just as valid as anyone here. 


My vows were to my wife.   God is not required in this endeavor IMO.


Thomas

Thomas,
God is a requirement to some here.  Even if you do not agree with that thought, you must be respectful that it *is* important to others.  Anasatassia was very careful not to try and impose her beliefs on us, let us not go into a religious discussion here.
KenC

[catzenmouse]

I'm sure by now you already know I'm schizophrenic!  9 lives = 9 personalities!

The key words here were that "he" could not fix it but that "they" could. Guess I should have bolded those as well.

Catz,
Aren't you being just a little schizophrenic in your answers?   

No they have no chance

Well, if they do this or that

Nope, no chance at all. (but I could be proven wrong)
 

Sorry, I just thought your answers were funny.
KenC

[AnastassiaAsh]

Well, i tried to guess what he should do, but honestly I don't understand non-christian marriages and do not know a thing about them, so I really don't know what i am talking about. I should probably stop. 

KenC, of course he can come to her and talk to her and try to work on it together, but the thing is that she won't understand, how can she if she is already behaving like that? A baby can't fly a helicopter no matter how much you talk to her/him... do you see my point? That's why i jumped ahead and said - divorce! It is too bad already!

I didn't impose anything, vice versa, I tried to contemplate in a non-christian manner. I know i am bad at this. 

[LiveFromUkraine]

Thomas,
God is a requirement to some here.  Even if you do not agree with that thought, you must be respectful that it *is* important to others.  Anasatassia was very careful not to try and impose her beliefs on us, let us not go into a religious discussion here.
KenC

I also think that people should be respectful of others as well.  I stated my opinion just like everyone else has in this thread.  I see nothing wrong with what I wrote since I did state IMO.  Regardless if they believe in God or not.  I have my own beliefs but know this isn't the place to talk about it.  Not interested in any religious discussion.  Believing in a higher entity has nothing to do with making a marriage work in this thread.  Christian marriages are just as complicated as any other type of marriages which is what I was commenting on.  I happen to be Christian as well and do have some idea of what I am talking about. 



Thomas

[LiveFromUkraine]

Well, i tried to guess what he should do, but honestly I don't understand non-christian marriages and do not know a thing about them, so I really don't know what i am talking about. I should probably stop. 

KenC, of course he can come to her and talk to her and try to work on it together, but the thing is that she won't understand, how can she if she is already behaving like that? A baby can't fly a helicopter no matter how much you talk to her/him... do you see my point? That's why i jumped ahead and said - divorce! It is too bad already!

I didn't impose anything, vice versa, I tried to contemplate in a non-christian manner. I know i am bad at this. 

Christians don't all think alike so we really don't have to categorize a christian marriage versus a non-christian marriage.
Lots of christians divorce.     I would expect to find quite a few on this board.


Thomas

[Blues Fairy]

The most alarming thing about the lady in question, IMO, is that she cannot form a healthy relationship with her own daughter and prefers to dump her on the grandma.  This fact alone speaks VOLUMES.

Wife or no wife?  For me, the definition largely depends on the purity of motivation. Perhaps it would help to know how desperate both were to jump into this marriage, and if there might be reasons other than love.  

[AnastassiaAsh]

My vows were to my wife.   God is not required in this endeavor IMO.

I happen to be Christian as well and do have some idea of what I am talking about. 

Hahahahahahaha!