Positive Advice For Newbies

[Taz]

Taz- i'm more surprised at a thread based on

*wether to tell the truth, or how truthful to be*
stuff snipped
but i should have that *rant* in the other thread.. LOL  

I guess sometimes sometimes it is just necessary to state the (what should be) obvious!

@steviej I agree with some of your points but it isn't just a financial risk for US men. Another issue as of late is the potential loss of freedom due to incarceration. Many RW have filed false DV claims and men have been arrested. Even a claim that results in an arrest that doesn't even result in a conviction can totally screw up your life or even your ability to sponsor another woman later.

I do think it is important to understand what a RW has at risk as well. Everyone (both RW and the men courting them) should understand both sides of the aisle so to speak. A RW really wants a man that will be there for her under all circumstances. He must be her rock of stability. There is so much more to this anyway and this isn't the thread for it.

Best positive advice I could give anyone starting out is to become informed. Read threads here and on other boards and speak first hand with people. Get to know someone who has done this and understands this. Find a mentor (if you can) and get his help with this. Make friends with RW/UW in your area and start to understand the culture. Learn some Russian and obviously more is better. This will pay far more dividends than you can ever appreciate early on in you journey. There is so much more but I don't really feel like writing a book at the moment. I've already apparently done that here anyway.   

[Jet]

There is no difference if the "local" family don't like you.

Of course not, her family breathes air and your family breathes air so they are exactly the same 
The difference is, that when her family interferes in a language that is unfamiliar to you, you often don't even understand exactly what you may be fighting against. Her family, even if they have been to the US on a vacation, probably don't have any true idea about the dynamics and differences in day to day life here, and can place unrealistic expectations upon her. At least with a meddling American family, you (and they) know what you're up against.

ight, after 11 pages of this, does anyone have anything positive to say about marrying a woman from the FSU? I thought that this was supposed to be the topic of this thread? Catman, it's your thread... am I missing something?

Weren't you at least half the reason it went "off track" to begin with, or did I miss something? You said something to the effect of there was no additional risk.  KenC said it was risky. You asked for an example... and the thread took an immediate right turn down a dirt road.  :noidea:

As for positives, I'd like to echo AJ's sentiments that I knew the culture shock adjustment period was over and that we had turned the corner when our life together became much more about a man, woman, & child making a family life together, and much less about which country issued the respective birth certificates and passports. I also believe this has a lot more to do with Liliya and I making sound decisions regarding each other and risk mitigation for our partners as well as ourselves, then about nationalities. I've been told by more than a few people who were in a position to know the difference that Liliya is "uncommon" amongst Russian women, so how could I presume to extol the virtues and positives of the others?

[Catman]

Thanks AJ and Steviej for the positive advice That is what I like to hear! Whatever path you took the end result is happiness. I think happiness is what we are in pursuit of here, is it not?

[Catman]

Any more happily married stories and why it was worth whatever you went through? I could not be happier with the girls I'm writing to now thanks to Ed. Looking forward to the trip!

[steviej]

I guess sometimes sometimes it is just necessary to state the (what should be) obvious!

@steviej I agree with some of your points but it isn't just a financial risk for US men. Another issue as of late is the potential loss of freedom due to incarceration. Many RW have filed false DV claims and men have been arrested. Even a claim that results in an arrest that doesn't even result in a conviction can totally screw up your life or even your ability to sponsor another woman later.

Taz, et al (Hello Catman),
You make a good point about DV. I think though that the DV risk is more about how are laws at the hands of feminists have gotten out of control, than the risk from the RW. I mean, any AW can call the police and say she "feels threatened", that's all, about any man that the police will rush in, arrest him, and he will end up in court, dazed, confused, and disbelieving. I think the difference is that very few AM no they live with this gun pointed to their heads everyday, but perhaps the guys seeking RWs know more about it from these discussion boards. But I guarantee you , if you go down to the courthouse for a day, to the DV court, you will see AMs charged with all this bizarre stuff by AWs. But, it is good to be aware of it, I agree.

And Catman, yes it is all about happiness. I've been married more than 5 years now to my RW, and I think the right RW for the right AM is going to be a better more rewarding marriage than you could find with an AW. My wife is so special, I really can't describe it. (hey, but I'll try ). I will say though, you have to be a man that can handle responsibility, and you have to be in a position emotionally and financially to handle that responsibility. You can't be a "needy" man and do this successfully, for either you or her, in my opinion. She is not just a pretty photo on a marriage agency profile. She is a living breathing female with hopes, dreams, aspirations, and a desire for a wonderful relationship and wonderful marriage with a man she can be proud of and can depend on. You will get way more in return, that's for sure.

Good luck!

[Eduard]

Thanks AJ and Steviej for the positive advice That is what I like to hear! Whatever path you took the end result is happiness. I think happiness is what we are in pursuit of here, is it not?

I second that!
I can add that also it is very important to meet and spend time with your prospective bride's family. To understand their culture (yes each family has a unique culture), values, habits, vices, etc. What is normal in their household is going to be normal for your future wife in your and her household together. And yes, she will turn into her mother some day, so this is your chance to glance into the future

[Taz]

I don't want to get too much into my personal story here. I've been down one of the roads parallel to this false DV path. I was assaulted by ex RW wife. She was arrested and charged with assault. I wasn't real interested in press charges but instead filed for divorce the next day.

What surprised me is all the free help that came crawling out of the woodwork to help her. All these women's groups, battered women's shelters and every sort of legal aid known to WOMEN came to help her. They were trying to turn this into an issue about me, not her. I had filed a restraining order against her. They had our court date delayed until they could get her more help and then had a motion filed to change it with the judge into a JOINT restraining order because she was "afraid" of me.

She was the one who assaulted me and even her own daughter's statement to the police indicated that. So next thing I know I am the "abuser" and I am the one on "trial" so to speak. She had tons of free legal help and anything I wanted to do was totally out of my pocket. Every time I turned around I was being hit with some order or other legal motion. I would have had to spend close to $100,000 to get the level of help she had throughout our divorce. The only thing that kept me from getting totally screwed in the divorce was the arrest of her and the fact we still had a great amount of respect for each other.

Her "legal team" wanted to go after me any which way they could. They were literally trying to make my life hell and they were succeeding. I had police reports, medical records, police photos, eyewitness testimony all showing her guilt and it was still being dumped on me as if I was the guilty one. This opened up my eyes quite a bit to the legal system in the US. She got far more help because she WAS an immigrant.

After the fact we've remained friends and resolved some of those issues. We had a heart to heart talk about what all they were trying to push her to do. She had enough integrity not to allow them to do what they really wanted to do. For that I respect her greatly. Just keep it in mind when you are brining a woman here. I was lucky. You might not be!

One other thing that helped me through this is my communication with her parents. Since I could speak the language I spoke with the frequently (until the restraining order). The had a level of trust with me that wouldn't have been there if we weren't able to communicate so freely. I had also spent a lot of time with her family when they came to the US to visit.

[Eduard]

I don't want to get too much into my personal story here. I've been down one of the roads parallel to this false DV path. I was assaulted by ex RW wife. She was arrested and charged with assault. I wasn't real interested in press charges but instead filed for divorce the next day.

What surprised me is all the free help that came crawling out of the woodwork to help her. All these women's groups, battered women's shelters and every sort of legal aid known to WOMEN came to help her. They were trying to turn this into an issue about me, not her. I had filed a restraining order against her. They had our court date delayed until they could get her more help and then had a motion filed to change it with the judge into a JOINT restraining order because she was "afraid" of me.

She was the one who assaulted me and even her own daughter's statement to the police indicated that. So next thing I know I am the "abuser" and I am the one on "trial" so to speak. She had tons of free legal help and anything I wanted to do was totally out of my pocket. Every time I turned around I was being hit with some order or other legal motion. I would have had to spend close to $100,000 to get the level of help she had throughout our divorce. The only thing that kept me from getting totally screwed in the divorce was the arrest of her and the fact we still had a great amount of respect for each other.

Her "legal team" wanted to go after me any which way they could. They were literally trying to make my life hell and they were succeeding. I had police reports, medical records, police photos, eyewitness testimony all showing her guilt and it was still being dumped on me as if I was the guilty one. This opened up my eyes quite a bit to the legal system in the US. She got far more help because she WAS an immigrant.

After the fact we've remained friends and resolved some of those issues. We had a heart to heart talk about what all they were trying to push her to do. She had enough integrity not to allow them to do what they really wanted to do. For that I respect her greatly. Just keep it in mind when you are brining a woman here. I was lucky. You might not be!

One other thing that helped me through this is my communication with her parents. Since I could speak the language I spoke with the frequently (until the restraining order). The had a level of trust with me that wouldn't have been there if we weren't able to communicate so freely. I had also spent a lot of time with her family when they came to the US to visit.

Taz, I realise that this is very personal, but if you can share this, I'm very curious to know what lead to her assaulting you? Very sorry to hear that you went through all that!

[steviej]

I would have had to spend close to $100,000 to get the level of help she had throughout our divorce.

Taz, that for sure is major stress and trauma for you to go through. You know first hand how insane and anti-male our legal system has evolved to be. The feminist lobby in US is very effective and very anti-male. We have laws nationally and in just about all states that are completely unconstitutional allowing incarceration, forfeiture of property and wages, and felony charges, all without any due process, presumption of innocence or evidence. All that is required is what the woman might say, and if not her, then the feminists groups that come out of the woodwork to say it for her. And where did these laws come from? Men passed these laws. The feminists do their lobbying and make their presentations about evil men and poor helpless women, and the male lawmakers can't wait to "out-sensitive" each other to demand passage. Not one has the guts to stand up and say, "This is unconstitutional and clearly preemtively targetting men, and I won't support it" In this way, as a political group, American men are pathetic, completely unable to defend ourselves as a group against this non-stop encroachment and persecution. But that's a whole other thread. All the men in our country walk around not realizing they are just a few syllables away from immediate incarceration and the perhaps permanent alteration of their life from all this. We are clueless. You are not clueless anymore, the hard way.

[Taz]

I wasn't clueless before. What surprised me is all the help for someone who actually committed the crime rather than for the "victim". I already went through one divorce in the US and watched the judge re-write our previously agreed upon divorce settlement because he didn't like it. We both agreed upon all the terms and were satisfied with it. He re-wrote it much to her advantage and not a single point that would further benefit me!

[Ooooops]

Any more happily married stories and why it was worth whatever you went through?

Well, I don't know if my story counts as we just met like any other non-international couple and lived together for 1.5 before getting married, but we still had to do all this painful INS stuff just as well...   But it was worth doing I think and tomorrow is our 13th wedding anniversary.   

[Eduard]

Well, I don't know if my story counts as we just met like any other non-international couple and lived together for 1.5 before getting married, but we still had to do all this painful INS stuff just as well...   But it was worth doing I think and tomorrow is our 13th wedding anniversary.   

Happy anniversary!

[Kuna]

Any more happily married stories and why it was worth whatever you went through? I could not be happier with the girls I'm writing to now thanks to Ed. Looking forward to the trip!

Catman,

If you're looking for happy stories search for any thread contain the word wedding.  Alternately if you're looking for a reality check, search for divorce.

Alternately you could read through all of the wonderful characteristics of our wifes being documented in the thread called, "You know you're married to a RW when..."   

By the way...  a couple of your posts have me a little worried.  Saying "I could not be happier with the girls I'm writing to now thanks to Ed" suggests you might be putting the cart before the horse.

I followed a very similar process to what you're going through now yet I forced myself not to believe or accept anything I was being told in writing until after I'd met the girls.

Being in a state of "could not be happier" just turns on a red light for me because I'm guessing all of Ed's other clients felt the same way prior to traveling - and it's obvious now that he lied when he earlier claimed a 100% success rate.  Be careful, when someone is making money out of this business it's likely money comes first.  Think about it, a guide has a family to support too...  who is he going to look after first:  His family or you?

You might be a blind optimist, and that might be the reason for this thread, but reality is that those who err on the side of caution are probably better prepared.

Best of luck to you again.

[KenC]

Well, I don't know if my story counts as we just met like any other non-international couple and lived together for 1.5 before getting married, but we still had to do all this painful INS stuff just as well...   But it was worth doing I think and tomorrow is our 13th wedding anniversary.   

Oops,
Congrats on you anniversary!  You are one of the few that have me beat in longevity here.  Is your husband American?  HOw did you two meet?
KenC

[Simoni]

Good people,

I think there are certainly risks to both parties in an international marriage.

When it comes to DV, I'm sure I cannot understand the agony that those who were falsely charged with DV are dealing with.

However, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.  For the fact is, women are beaten by husbands and they do need protection, especially when they are in a foreign land and don't speak the language.

We are friends with one such RW.   She escaped him, and the support system helped her to survive and to rebuild her life.  She is now married to a good AM, and they are our best friends.

When you read the posts of some of the guys that pop up on these boards from time to time, there are red flags when they say they want a "traditional" woman who will stay home and "cook" for them and "iron" their clothes; they say more things about sex I won't repeat here.

So there are all kinds of people in the world, so it behooves us to look at the world through multiple lenses.  

So yes, there is risk to both women and men alike in this endeavor.

Positive advice?  You can find a great girl; scores of us here have.  Know the woman before you marry here.  Forget hoping to be a one week wonder, and plan a long engagement with multiple meetings.  That courtship is very important to both of you.

[Gator]

Well, I don't know if my story counts as we just met like any other non-international couple and lived together for 1.5 before getting married, but we still had to do all this painful INS stuff just as well...   But it was worth doing I think and tomorrow is our 13th wedding anniversary.   

Ooops,

Congratulations!

The length of your marriage shatters the record.  If you were a man, you would be the King OMB.  Except OMB does not apply to a RW, especially one as interesting and gifted and upbeat as you.

[Jet]

Well, I don't know if my story counts as we just met like any other non-international couple and lived together for 1.5 before getting married, but we still had to do all this painful INS stuff just as well...   But it was worth doing I think and tomorrow is our 13th wedding anniversary.   

If my story counts, so does yours!  There are actually a bunch of couples on this forum that didn't go through an agency or intermediary, and weren't specifically targeting any particular geographic region in search of a wife/husband yet were open to whatever possibility presented itself. Most sincere congratulations on your anniversary, and best wishes for the future. I've enjoyed your participation and perspectives here immensely so far.

[myrddin]

Good people,

I think there are certainly risks to both parties in an international marriage.

When it comes to DV, I'm sure I cannot understand the agony that those who were falsely charged with DV are dealing with.

However, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.  For the fact is, women are beaten by husbands and they do need protection, especially when they are in a foreign land and don't speak the language.

I know I can't understand it, I personally know people who faced the horror stories from both perspectives.  I'd like to think I'm not a *blind* optimist, but there are a few people fighting for sanity.  Hopefully some day the pendulum will swing back, and one day it will stay in a Golden Mean.  

Positive advice?  You can find a great girl; scores of us here have.  Know the woman before you marry here.  Forget hoping to be a one week wonder, and plan a long engagement with multiple meetings.  That courtship is very important to both of you.

I've noticed a few things since joining RWD: I pretty quickly learned to spot scammers after I started reading here, just from general advice and sometimes with direct help.  

I figure I'll ultimately have to rely on my own judgment when it comes to GCGs and mule-seekers, but I have allies in that endeavor.  You can never eliminate risk, and people can change, but one piece of advice I've seen from every married person here is: don't rush things.  I have to believe that it would be difficult for someone to keep up an act through those multiple meetings and longer courtship.  And sometimes good advice bears repeating.

I've noticed that, even after my recent experience in Ukraine, my family seems to concentrate on all the risks and potential downfalls, as if they fear I'm not aware of them or something.  (At least I know where I got my neuroses from!)  I'm lucky that I'm still friends with my AW ex, and she's been thrilled for me (and not surprised about how things went).  Obviously we had problems, but there were times when I had just a taste of what you can see in the "you know you're married to a russian woman..." thread (even thought she wasn't Russian), and maybe someday I'll have more. For me, the search, risks and all, sure beats sitting at home daydreaming!

[myrddin]

Well, I don't know if my story counts as we just met like any other non-international couple and lived together for 1.5 before getting married, but we still had to do all this painful INS stuff just as well...   But it was worth doing I think and tomorrow is our 13th wedding anniversary.   

Congratulations!!

Here's some "positive advice for newbies": if you want inspiration, seek out what the RW on this board! They are some spectacular examples of why you just might want to look in this part of the world.   

[Ooooops]

Thank you very much for the wishes!       I guess we have surpassed "the seven year itch" already twice....   

KenC, yes, my husband is an American.   We've met in a bar in the third country while we both were living and working there.   One more proof that stereotypes don't always work.   

PS.  What is OMB?

[msmoby_ru]

Well, I don't know if my story counts as we just met like any other non-international couple and lived together for 1.5 before getting married, but we still had to do all this painful INS stuff just as well...   But it was worth doing I think and tomorrow is our 13th wedding anniversary.   

Lucky for some, eh?! CONGRATULATIONS

[KenC]

Thank you very much for the wishes!       I guess we have surpassed "the seven year itch" already twice....   

KenC, yes, my husband is an American.   We've met in a bar in the third country while we both were living and working there.   One more proof that stereotypes don't always work.   

PS.  What is OMB?

Oops,
OMB is for old married bastard.  And I disagree with Gator as these letters can also go for a female, if I could only think of a "B" word that would define a cantankerous woman,  hmmm B?  
KenC

[Ooooops]

Lucky for some, eh?! CONGRATULATIONS

I'd say for all of the mankind!      Thanks! 

[Ooooops]

And I disagree with Gator as these letters can also go for a female, if I could only think of a "B" word that would define a cantankerous woman,  hmmm B?   

Oh, I can be full blown B all right!      But most of the time I'm a perfect A.   

[KenC]

Oh, I can be full blown B all right!      But most of the time I'm a perfect A.   

Oops,
Wear your "OMB" moniker with pride!  I know I do!
KenC