Experiencing the Cinderella Complex: I married a FSU woman

[gousa]

 I just wish he would change his name to goAWAY.
KenC

(just in from cutting wood)
Am I bringing out the woman in you, KenC?  Are you petting the Piranhas?

Please, don't pet the Piranhas too much.

[diverboy70]

Okay.   I realize that I rushed into the thing and  was ill prepared
but that woman has some serious issues and so do many of the Russian
imports that I have met through her.   I realize that my ex needs someone
more patient and spoiling and maintenance giving than I am willing to keep on
giving, so I systematicly brought an end to the relationship which is not what she wanted me to do.   That was extremely painful for both of us.   


 I've got a date for Saturday night so I'm looking forward to that.   Unfortunatly
it's not the translator but the translator definitly likes me as most people do, but certainly not many in this place.   

How many times have I thanked almost everyone for the mixed amounts of support that have been here?  Thanks again.  What should I do now inthis place?    Log out, close out, and disappear, or do I have something to offer?

I think this single sentence gives you away in your attititudes. We are talking about women of flesh and blood here, not some product that you can import! This term is used here also, by people with a negative attitude to international marriages!

[steviej]

... In my early twenties I took a year and traveled about with a steel erection ...

Ah yes .. how well I too remember traveling around in my 20s with a steel erection ...



        (ain't I funny? well at least my wife thinks so ))

[ScottinCrimea]

I think I need to go back when I have time and check out gousa,s "facts"  It seems things add up even less when he changes the story.

[Ronnie]

I can't add anymore to this thread, so I'll just sign off with the immortal words of Jimmy Buffett:

If the phone doesn't ring, it's me.
 
-Ronnie

[Bruce]

KenC - I see what you mean.  Yes I did only skim the thread because I just do not have too much time these days.  Upon reading more of the thread tonight I see where it went and although I do respect Gousa for telling his story I now see where the majority of posters on the thread is comming from.  I best not post where I have not fully read ............lesson to the wise.

[Jumper]

When I came back as soon as she saw me she dropped everything and attacked me, ripping my clothes off and scratching my arms as I moved about trying to get away from her.     My arms were dripping with blood and at least one fingernail puncture mark  is still visible.    I grabbed some  clothes and headed for a motel for a few more days. 

and yes i did catch that you just RECENTLY broke up with her,
 yet again ( after taking her back twice ,since your divorce)

and you wonder why your tale of woe and *how terrible* she was ,
is met with very  little empathy?

If you are telling the truth,

you need some serious help.
not one of the men here ,would tolerate her for a second,
much less take her back twice after the divorce..

if they DID, they wouldnt whine here about how bad she was..
as its obvious once you take her back ,she couldn't have been all THAT  bad.

only a strange and desperate man would marry a woman he dint know.
then tolerate her behaviour ,,only to finally say "enough"
and divorce her,,
then take her back ,twice ,break up again,
and still admit that he is open to the idea of getting back together with her.

and as bad as that is, it's the BEST case scenerio ..

odds are you've embellished your side a bit,
and overplayed her bad parts.. (natural for a hurt person to do)

all in all-
a very sad tale.. for you both!

i still wish you both luck, (seperately) and counciling..
the more you reveal, the worse it gets..
jerry springers calling!!


Something i think is important in this thread that noone has yet commented on:

This situation is exactly how most of the western public perceives ,
anyone marrying a Russian woman (regardless how they actually met)
 
They view these relationships as likely worthy of tabloid tales,
and unfortunantly there are enough couples like this,
 to continue perpetuating  that outlook within the general public.

Couples like this are ,exactly  why , folks who dont know me,
will assume my wife married for a GC, or snicker behind her back that she married some old wealthy geezer for his money..
without giving her the benefit of the doubt, or ever meeting us both
(which then changes thier foolish pre-conceptions)

I really dont care..
but i'm glad my wife has very thick skin.
99% of that kind of fluff , she lets slide with a genuine laugh..
I do *sometimes* see a flinch, when she over hears something stupid like that..
or when people say it with real intent to hurt..(instead of from simple ignorance)

 RW moving here , face a lot of challenges.Culture ,often language,
and the added insult of being pre-judged as less of a person ,or motivated by alterior motives.   (even by other RW/RM)
 It takes some serious inner strenght to completely disregard all of that....

Most of them are pretty amazing people..
i'm going to go hug and kiss my wife now..

[SANDRO43]

i'm going to go hug ... my wife now..

Please do that for 20 seconds at least, and report back her oxytocin levels .

[Maxx2]

Please do that for 20 seconds at least, and report back her oxytocin levels .

It's a good way for a GCG to help in her method acting back in Russia... Isn't? Don't they always hold your hand or hold your arm when walking down the street? All Russian women who become wives?

Sounds like GoUSA's wife might have been sex starved. That is the biggest crime here in my opinion. 

Maxx

[groovlstk]

Couples like this are ,exactly  why , folks who dont know me,
will assume my wife married for a GC, or snicker behind her back that she married some old wealthy geezer for his money..

A lot of my rancor for guys like gousa (and, to a lesser extent, his ex-wife) stems precisely from what AJ wrote above. When you have to watch the person you love deal with snickering American women and sexually aggressive men who assume she married for the reasons gousa and his ex married (him: achingly lonely, naive; she: throwing herself at the feet of the first guy to offer her a better life) it's impossible to feel anything but revulsion - sympathy is quite a few rungs up the ladder.

To make matters worse, these two are now like walking GI Joe dolls destined to go through life repeating the same stuff over and over whenever someone pulls on the string at their back. But instead of saying "I have a tough assignment for you!", gousa will instead talk endlessly about how Russian women are gold diggers while she'll tell everyone American men are greedy and capricious. 

[gousa]

Sounds like GoUSA's wife might have been sex starved. That is the biggest crime here in my opinion. 

Maxx

Like I said before the deseire to sleep with the enemy went
way, way down for me.    I was starved on the building blocks of a relationship,
respect, compromise, communication, personal support, responsibility, etc.

My apologies for all the whining.   I kept going back with her because that's what she wanted my company and she seemed to need my support.   She finally decided, and I helped her decide, that she should try  to get on with a newbie or whatever.   I'm ok with that.  He better have a beefy bank account or high paying job, and lots of Viagra of course.

Final question to be answered:

Q:  Why did I come here?

A:    Classify, Communicate, and meet someone like Ronnie.

I wanted to communcate, since relationship communication was not available  for me before and during the marrriage.

Classify her and myself as something less than angels.  I'm an MDB, Miserable Divorced Bastard.    But the M part will get dropped.

It's good to talk with guys like Ronnie, and any of the open minded men and women here.   Ronnie, thanks so much, and thanks to the other open minds.  You know who you are.     I'm a musician also, maybe I can send a message to you.  Would that be ok?   I have to go back and reread all you posts Ronnie.   They are so good and decent.  

I met a cool firefighter guy who was a little older the other night.  He got the story and he said.   "GOusa, you've got it made now.  You're out of the woods now.  If I were you I would grab my tool and  Sally Forth!"  Sounds like a plan to me.

[gousa]

"I have a tough assignment for you!"

groovlstk -   Is this is what I should have told her in the beginning?,  instead of
saying that things will be fairly easy?

[Shadow]

Gousa, your post are doing a world of good. They show that marrying a woman like picking a puppy is a high-risk thing.
Also I would make it obliged reading for anyone who thinks to go to the 'less traveled' areas and small cities as it is 'easier to find a good wife'.  I am sure that while you were attacked, the blame is on both sides. When two people fight, usually both are at fault.

The highest risk to take is not to know your partner before marriage, and believing your lifestyle will be seen as 'heaven' for anyone from the FSU. You seemed to take both risks, and it proved too much.

Don't rush in to anything before you can trust someone to be interested in you as person and not in your inheritance. And about the inheritance, as you lost the ability to have children... why so much trouble in preserving it ? You just need to be sure it is not gone completely until the day you die. 

[gousa]

Don't rush in to anything before you can trust someone to be interested in you as person and not in your inheritance. And about the inheritance, as you lost the ability to have children... why so much trouble in preserving it ? You just need to be sure it is not gone completely until the day you die. 

That's great advice post Shadow.   Many thanks for a great vision.

  That's also a great question.   
Call it greedy maybe, but all the attorneys I had, said the same thing, that it is yours,
and your marriage is rocky and she shouldn't just be able to walk away with it whenever she gets the urge.   Remember any transaction of any substantial amout gets divided by Florida law.   I guess it's the principal of the thing.   What if I wanted to make a change in the invesments?   Each time a transaction occurs during the marriage, it goes
under the microscope and you have to jump through hoops to try to prove that it was not a divisible transaction.

[groovlstk]

groovlstk -   Is this is what I should have told her in the beginning?,  instead of
saying that things will be fairly easy?

I don't think that would have mattered, gousa. I think the gravest error on your part (and equally on hers) was not getting to know each other.

It was said long ago and by wiser minds that dating FSU women is not entry-level dating. The problem is that it seems perfect for guys who are frustrated by dating local women. All they need to do is write a few emails, spend a week in Russia or Ukraine, and presto their beautiful girlfriend says she loves him and is willing to spend the rest of her life with him. Compared to local dating, other than the logistics, it's easy as pie. Right? 

[gousa]

Thanks AJ..  great advice.  I would thank you more now but must go  out now and I will thank you more later.

I don't think that would have mattered, gousa. I think the gravest error on your part (and equally on hers) was not getting to know each other.

It was said long ago and by wiser minds that dating FSU women is not entry-level dating. The problem is that it seems perfect for guys who are frustrated by dating local women. All they need to do is write a few emails, spend a week in Russia or Ukraine, and presto their beautiful girlfriend says she loves him and is willing to spend the rest of her life with him. Compared to local dating, other than the logistics, it's easy as pie. Right? 

Yup, absoutely agreed here.

[Maxx2]

Like I said before the deseire to sleep with the enemy went
way, way down for me.    I was starved on the building blocks of a relationship,
respect, compromise, communication, personal support, responsibility, etc.

You do not sound like a Russian man to me. The kind of man she was used to.

I wrote this three years ago.

http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=544.0

Maxx's rules of marital success by "being the man" with a RW wife.

1) Money: Always control your money. They have no need to know how much money you make or if you have gotten a bonus or other windfall. If they want a bigger "responsibility" in handling money let them handle their own. In other words, "go get a job". Keep her name off the mortgage and no joint checking or savings accounts until it looks like the marriage will work.

2) Demands for things: If what they ask for seems reasonable or needed tell them when you are going to get it. If you can't afford it in your opinion tell them "later" or simply "no". When pressed for when later is shrug your shoulders.

3)Sex: Every Russian woman knows she must take care of her man with his health need or she is grossly neglecting him. Don't complicate this. "Yah hachoo whatever" is all the Russian sweet talk you need to learn for your RW wife. Forget all the other details.

4) Handling RW rants and rages: Calmly stand there with a studying expression on your face. Do not speak a word. Then when her ranting is reaching it's peak show a very slight amused expression on your face, look at your watch and leave.

You violated every one of my rules for marital success and look what happened to you. BTW #3 is reciprocal


Maxx  

[ScottinCrimea]

In Florida any forgeign medical doctor can recieve an LPN  certificate by merely passing the LPN exam.     All classes are waived for the LPN cert.    It's not that way for RN, however.    The RN would take a few semester.   Since she had no hobbies, nothing to do at all but recieve my attention,  all her English classes were complete and I had sent her to Med Assistant and Plebotomy school and she had the new certificated I decided it was time to enter the market at least a part time basis.

I don't know where you are getting such bad information, but if you gave her hassles over this based on such misinformation, you owe her a huge apology. Among other things, the aplication to take the licensing exam for an LPN in florida specifically includes the followiing:

"•Programs completed to qualify as a hospital corpsman, technician, physician or a physician’s assistant are not classified as registered or practical nursing programs and are not equivalent."

You have also mentioned that her English was still such that you had to fill out an employment application for her.

It sounds like she did all she could to find the best job that she could, given her limitations, with Englisnh classes, phlebotomy courses, etc., and got nothing but sh!t from you about it.

[Ade]

You do not sound like a Russian man to me. The kind of man she was used to.

I wrote this three years ago.

http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=544.0

Maxx's rules of marital success by "being the man" with a RW wife.

1) Money: Always control your money. They have no need to know how much money you make or if you have gotten a bonus or other windfall. If they want a bigger "responsibility" in handling money let them handle their own. In other words, "go get a job". Keep her name off the mortgage and no joint checking or savings accounts until it looks like the marriage will work.

2) Demands for things: If what they ask for seems reasonable or needed tell them when you are going to get it. If you can't afford it in your opinion tell them "later" or simply "no". When pressed for when later is shrug your shoulders.

3)Sex: Every Russian woman knows she must take care of her man with his health need or she is grossly neglecting him. Don't complicate this. "Yah hachoo whatever" is all the Russian sweet talk you need to learn for your RW wife. Forget all the other details.

4) Handling RW rants and rages: Calmly stand there with a studying expression on your face. Do not speak a word. Then when her ranting is reaching it's peak show a very slight amused expression on your face, look at your watch and leave.

You violated every one of my rules for marital success and look what happened to you. BTW #3 is reciprocal

Maxx 

That was a joke, right?

[Maxx2]

That was a joke, right?

Somewhat. If GoUSA had followed those rules his problem would have been over a long time ago as she would have left. IMO he fed the problem and it got bigger. His inheritance should be his but he now complains that he had to give her half or she would have left him. His big mistake is not saying "no" and then letting the consequences happen. I do not believe a RW wife should cost a man his job, business, inheritance or relationship with his children. RW that insist otherwise should gotten rid of as soon as possible.


Maxx     

[BillyB]

I was going upstairs to the apartments of my girlfriend, when I heard a woman was screaming and yelling behind one of the doors. She was calling a man with different nasty names and  than I heard a sound of crashing. Then the woman started to scream "Now beat me! Yes, beat me". I took my cell phone and was going to call to police, but the door was opened and I saw a man in ragged shirt and with bleeding scratches on his face and arms. He said exactly the same words passing me "This is crazy!". After some seconds the woman with very angry face showed herself in doorway and she threw a big vase at the man coming downstairs...    Honestly  I just ran away... to the apartments of my girlfriend...   

I work in construction. A line of work that is not known for having the finest people in the World. In 14 years of being in construction, I've never seen an employee of mine or from another company we work beside with lose a day of work because he's sitting in jail from DV. I have seen guys come to work with black eyes, bite marks on their faces, and their faces being so scratched up that it drew blood. None of them called the cops. I asked them why they put of with that BS. They just shrug. I guess that thing between a woman's legs keeps them going back for more punishment.

Last week I was talking with my mom's friend and told him my opinion that men and women come in bad and good in equal amounts. He got angry and passionately told me that I didn't know sh!t and for 25 years it was his business helping women victims of DV and that men are overwhelmingly worse than women. I told him because he's been in that business so long, his view on this is jaded. I and my mom proceeded to tell him true stories how women emotionally control and play men and milk them financially. The guys they hurt are usually the "nice" guys who'll do everything for their woman. One woman we know of divorced her husband for a bigger better deal and sucked him dry. She left him for a businessman who gave her what she wanted. After the businessman left the country because the law was chasing him after he screwed a 14 year old girl, she dated and screwed a couple of attorneys, a judge, a nuclear engineer and a doctor who owned his own practice. When she was living with the engineer who gave her everything she wanted, she was not satisfied because the doctor could give her more. She gave the doctor an ultimatum to divorce his wife and personally move her out of the engineer's house. Before that she told the engineer to remodel her house to an extravagant level. She made him do that so when the doctor came to take her away, the doctor would see the extravagant house she lived in and the lifestyle he'd have to maintain for her. The power of the bush can make intelligent men do stupid things. I think her first husband sealed his fate when he bought her that boob job. It's huge and certainly has helped her attract and move on to richer men.

[Maxx2]

He got angry and passionately told me that I didn't know sh!t and for 25 years it was his business helping women victims of DV and that men are overwhelmingly worse than women.

Some guys get their misguided chivary cranked up too high. You see some of these guys in Congress.


Maxx

[Ade]

I work in construction. A line of work that is not known for having the finest people in the World. In 14 years of being in construction, I've never seen an employee of mine or from another company we work beside with lose a day of work because he's sitting in jail from DV. I have seen guys come to work with black eyes, bite marks on their faces, and their faces being so scratched up that it drew blood. None of them called the cops. I asked them why they put of with that BS. They just shrug. I guess that thing between a woman's legs keeps them going back for more punishment.

Last week I was talking with my mom's friend and told him my opinion that men and women come in bad and good in equal amounts. He got angry and passionately told me that I didn't know sh!t and for 25 years it was his business helping women victims of DV and that men are overwhelmingly worse than women. I told him because he's been in that business so long, his view on this is jaded. I and my mom proceeded to tell him true stories how women emotionally control and play men and milk them financially. The guys they hurt are usually the "nice" guys who'll do everything for their woman. One woman we know of divorced her husband for a bigger better deal and sucked him dry. She left him for a businessman who gave her what she wanted. After the businessman left the country because the law was chasing him after he screwed a 14 year old girl, she dated and screwed a couple of attorneys, a judge, a nuclear engineer and a doctor who owned his own practice. When she was living with the engineer who gave her everything she wanted, she was not satisfied because the doctor could give her more. She gave the doctor an ultimatum to divorce his wife and personally move her out of the engineer's house. Before that she told the engineer to remodel her house to an extravagant level. She made him do that so when the doctor came to take her away, the doctor would see the extravagant house she lived in and the lifestyle he'd have to maintain for her. The power of the bush can make intelligent men do stupid things. I think her first husband sealed his fate when he bought her that boob job. It's huge and certainly has helped her attract and move on to richer men.

I've heard some awful stories of men being abused by their wives too; usually it's psychological abuse but, for anyone that doesn't know, that is usually as bad if not worse than some cuts and bruises that heal quickly.

There is stigma involved though so men rarely say anything; men being abused by women? They are pansies right? No, really, they aren't. Well, okay, there probably are guys out there that need to grow a backbone but it's surprising how many men will tolerate it because they really love the women they are with; and no, it's not just because of the "thing between their legs". 

Looking back on my 10 year marriage to my ex Norwegian wife I was certainly psychologically abused during the latter half (at least that is what it would have been called if I had been doing the same to her). Afterwards it took me several years to get my head straight so that I wasn't damaging the relationships I was getting involved in with all the baggage I was carrying. FWIW she and I are now good friends; she underwent 5 years of heavy therapy under a psychiatrist and is now pretty much well again.

[ScottinCrimea]

The more gousa has posted, the more I have felt that if anyone were the villian in this episode, it was him.  I decided to go back through his posts and look at them as a whole to see if I was misreading things, and I have to be honest, when I looked at everything at one time rather than as a series of posts, I find myself more convinced than ever that this guy had no business bringing a RW here and that his whole perspective was so screwed up that it was doomed to failure from the beginning.  I'm seeing those who have had negative experiences with RW sympathizing with him and those who have not taking the other tack.  I would suggest that those who sympathize with him do as I did and read his posts, imagining how it looked from his wife's perspective.  I agree that she was foolish to commit to him after such a short courtship and she is reaping the rtesults the same as him, but just look at things equally and see who really got the worst deal.  She went from being a doctor in Russia to living in a house in the woods with no running water, making a minimum wage in a country where the language and culture are still foreign to her.  As much as he claims she has gained much financially from him, it isn't apparent from how he describes her current lifestyle.

I also see a tendency on his part to blame everyone else for his troubles, from the incompetent attorneys who bungled his prenups ans post nups to his wife, to her son, etc., etc., etc.,

For example, he complains about her getting half of his house in Florida, but in other posts he says that he bought it because it was what he wanted, and he chose not to have a mortgage because he stated basically that he would rather give the money to anyone else rather than the bank.  It was his choice and now he complains about it.

I have absolutely no sympathy for this guy.  We are hearing his sugar coated version and it still stinks.  I can only imagine how things would look if we heard her version as well.

[gousa]

  She went from being a doctor in Russia to living in a house in the woods with no running water, making a minimum wage in a country where the language and culture are still foreign to her.  As much as he claims she has gained much financially from him, it isn't apparent from how he describes her current lifestyle.

I also see a tendency on his part to blame everyone else for his troubles, from the incompetent attorneys who bungled his prenups ans post nups to his wife, to her son, etc., etc., etc.,

For example, he complains about her getting half of his house in Florida, but in other posts he says that he bought it because it was what he wanted, and he chose not to have a mortgage because he stated basically that he would rather give the money to anyone else rather than the bank.  It was his choice and now he complains about it.

I have absolutely no sympathy for this guy.  We are hearing his sugar coated version and it still stinks.  I can only imagine how things would look if we heard her version as well.

(ok here we are lumberjack vs. cinderella again)


Nope.    Doctor Strangelove's mother's one bedroom house in southern Russia is the one with no running water.  They were carrying it in from an outside well.    My house(s) up north both had running water, lots of rooms, cable TV in one.   I even got that Russian-American RTV channel for Russian Americans.  And the other one had 1000 feet of lake frontage and a private beach.   How horrible that was.  Oh brother....

She had no money saved and she was dirt poor and she was poorly paid as a doctor, but she had a big Russian bobcat skin overcoat.   But it was cold in the winters where she was.

I had visions of a home in the south for the winters,  I just didn't want to get it right away.  I wanted to wait 2-3 years for that.   There was no waiting with her for anything.    She grabbed that vision and took off with it immediately.   

I guess anywhere around the women and men's money subject gets me downright cranky.   In Turkey, I understand,  the inheritance gets pretty much divided 50/50
the day of the marriage.  Maybe that's to make up for the lousy Muslim  treatment to come.    I  treated her pretty good.  I think she got drunk on it.

Thanks BillyB