TR to Moscow

[Sculpto]

October 28:

We went to the center again today to try and get my visa registered.  When I bought my tickets through the travel agent in SF they told me I could register with their office in Moscow, but, when I went to pick up the visa the week before i left the gave me some cock and bull story that since I did not rent an apartment with them I would have to register elsewhere.  As it turns out the law requires the registration be done by the person or entity that issued the voucher and the damn travel agent must know that.  They just decided to get some revenge on me for not renting the apartment from them.  So, I now retract my recomendation for russart travel agency.  I will be writing a letter to the owner of the travel agency on this topic because I am still upset about the stupid little scam they pulled.

Anyway, I decided to just blow off the registration and play "stupid American" when I would go through immigration on my way out of the country. 

"A" had to go to her interview with the publisher that was set up by her Dad's friend so she left me about 5pm.  She returned at about 11 pm and I was really happy to see her.  But, for some reason she was in a deep funk when she arrived and it just got worse as we sat sipping Frangelica.  She said some things that suprised me that were not consistent with her actions over the last three days.  Finally we went to sleep but I didn't sleep very well at all.  I spent a lot of the night sitting alone in the kitchen going over what she said in my mind.  I have read some things about the Russian tendency to defeatism and by the morning I felt that she was just expressing fears.  It made me really nervous though and I developed some doubts.  I felt I needed to get to the root of the problem and find out what was really bothering her.  Was it exhaustion?  Some flaw in her personality?  Her actions in the morning will tell a lot and if there is not a major reversal I should probably be ready to walk away and accept the experience as just that.  Now, on the other hand I need to be ready to completely re-assure her if she is feeling culpable when she wakes up and be ready to forget what happened if her actions are more reasonable.  What worries me is I am so tired from the jet lag and I am not sure of my abilities and instincts at the moment.  I really need to be on my game.

[Sculpto]

October 29th:

Well, it is amazing what a little sleep will do for a girl in a bad mood.  She knew I was upset, but, she went way over the top to make up for the night before.  Call me king for the day.  She waited on me hand and foot and took care of ALL of my needs.  It was during this day that for the first time I really understood what is so amazing about Russian ladies.  No woman in my life ever treated me so wonderfully as "A" did this day.  The girl who said she hated cooking turns out to be a really good cook.  She never let me do anything all day.  Remembering all she did, and most of which I can not tell here, is actually making tears come to my eyes becauwse it was so beautiful. 

In the evening we got dressed and went out to Victory Park.  This was one of the major spots on my list of things to see and I was not disappointed in the least.  Slowly strolling around the monument arm in arm with my lady was wonderful.  After a couple of hours at Victory Park and the cafe we got back on the Metro and went to meet her girlfriend for dinner and drinks at a jazz club.  We had a nice time until her friend left.  "A" had an Absinthe drink and it sent her right back into the same funk from the night before. 

I recognized immediately what was going on.  This girl is extremely independent and was absolutely not thinking about marriage when we first met online.  She has a fledgling career she is very serious about and it is obvious she is having a difficult time reconciling how being in love with me and getting married and moving to another country will fit with her career plans.  I recognize she is in so many words saying she is not sure about the long term prospects, or, at least she has fear about it.  But, I am also aware for myself that taking the chance to love and lose exists no matter who I am with and whatever promises are made.  Probably in some way it is probably healthier to understand promises mean nothing and her honesty about her fears is not in fact a red flag but a challenge to never take her or our relationship for granted.  I am actually comfortable with the situation.

October 30:

We didn't do much today.  We mostly hung out in the apartment and went shopping at Ashan for food.  She was still in a pretty bad mood and I started to feel that maybe it was falling apart.  We had plans to meet with her girlfriend at a club for a halloween party.  Her mood picked up a lot after we got dressed up and went out.  She had been complaining all day that she needed to go to the solarium and that it would improve her mood to take the artificial sun.  She spent a big part of the day on her phone talking to different friends.

The club we went to was pretty cool.  It is in the Kitay Gorod area and had a solarium inside.  I took 5 minutes in the box and she took 20.  When she came out her mood was completely reversed.  We had a shot of Tequilla and danced a lot.  That was funny also because she had mentioned she didn't like dancing.  But, it turns out she is an awesome dancer and we had a blast.  I had been feeling pretty down about the whole thing because of how she had been acting, but, the dance floor showed me again that there was something deeper that was bugging her.  I was afraid it was something about me she didn't like, but, after a couple of hours on the dance floor with hugs and kisses and spins and twirls and loving looks directly in the eye I was sure somethign else was putting her into a bad mood every day and I needed to find out exactly what it was.

Finally we left the club in time to go home on the Metro.  You know how you see couples on the Metro all snuggled close to each other and intertwined as one entity.. well, that was us for the hour ride home.  Awesome!

[Sculpto]

OK I just realized I lost a day in this TR.. I think I messed up the dates because of the time change..

So, Saturday:

She had to go to work today so we got the earliest start of the week.  Before heading to her office she took me to Tzaritzina and we walked together partway in.  When we got to the first map and realized how huge the place was I told her to go to work and come home as early as possible.  She was really worried about me being alone all day and that I would get lost.  HAHAHA 

I really enjoyed walking around Tzaritzina.  For those that do not know it was Catherine's Moscow palace.  Apparently it is a rather popular place for weddings and I really enjoyed watching all the wedding parties.  I didn't go into the museum but just walked around the grounds and took some photos of the palace.  Afterwards I went down to Arbat and realized I could have been at Fishermans Wharf in SF.  Freaking Starbucks and McDonalds.. Arbat is boring.  But, I did pick up a couple of touristy gifts for some friends.  I got back to the apartment about 8 pm and "A" arrived about 9.  We spent the evening sitting in the kitchen, drinking Baileys (the Frangelica didn't last very long LOL) and smoking and talking.  Her mood was much improved and we finally went to sleep about 2am.

Sunday:

We had planned to go back to Tzaritzina to go through the palace together, but, when we got up bad weather had finally struck.  It was pouring rain, but, the truth was I was perfectly happy to not go out.  I really wanted to spend a quiet day with her and try and get to the bottom of her bad moods.  Since I would be leaving the next day, on Monday, she banned me from the kitchen so she could clean.  In the meantime she would come into the other room periodically with little treats for me to eat or to freshen my chai.  As the day progressed it became clear it was the right decision to stay in.  Again I was king for the day and as the day went on her treats became more and more delectable.  The truth is she took care of me in every way a man could ever wish for.  I felt myself in paradise.

But still, we hadn't talked about the "issue" and it lingered on my mind in spite of her wonderful attention.

Finally it was time to go to sleep.  I knew it would be our last night together and I was kind of sad.  But, then she started pushing me to the edge of the bed, pretending to be asleep.  soon I was at the edge and fell off and I took her with me.  We laughed harder than I ever laughed in my life and for the next two hours we went to a whole new level of intimacy that had nothing to do with sex.  We laughed and cried and finally she opened up about what was the source of her bad moods and constant talking on the phone which had annoyed me a lot. 

There were three things.  First she didn't want to stay in Moscow and was very worried.  She doesn't like it there but has no choice because of her career.  (I saw it every time we got on the Metro, it was like a heavy weight was pressing down on her every time we rode, her posture would change and her expression became gloomy) She must go there to network and pick up new writing contracts.  But, because she was spending time with me she was not working and she was worried that it would mean she would have to stay in Moscow longer.  Then, she was forced to speak English the whole time and as most of us know being a beginner in any langauge is exhausting.  So, she was calling her friends simply to speak Russian.  She apolgized for her bad moods and told me she wants me to meet her Mom before she comes with me to SF CA. 

I told her I wished she would have explained what was wrong sooner because I had started to think she didn't like me and was staying with me out of obligation.  She assured me that was not the case but that she is not accustomed to telling anyone her problems and she didn't want me to feel bad.  Then she went into a long rant about being a journalist and how dangerous it is to report the truth in Russia and that someday I might lose her not because she leaves me but because the bad guys will kill her.  She specifically referred to the conversation with the absinthe and apologized for being so harsh but she wanted me to understand how important her career is and even if she is falling for me the timing is not perfect but she wouldn't turn her back on our relationship no matter what but that I must support her choices and she didn't believe any man could do it.  I responded with two things.. first I told her there is no glory to be a martyr because no one will remember what she wrote.. only that she is dead and that if she insists on being a provocative journalist she must find a way to do it so that she can continue to report the truth.  Then I asked her if she was for or against the corruption in society and the government.. she gave me look like I was stupid for even asking.. so then I told her "go get them, make Russia better with your words!".  I said there would be nothing that could make me more proud than to know that MY GIRL is the one that helps to bring justice and fairness and accountability to Russia.  Her eyes opened up and filled with tears and she hugged me and said, "you really mean it?  You won't to change after we married?"  I said, absolutely not.  Just write what you believe and I will always have your back.  We spent the rest of the night locked in each others arms and unfortunately at 8 am I had to leave for the airport.  She had to be at work so didn't go with me to the airport which was actually fine because I hate airport goodbyes. 

I spoke with her last night after I got back. 

I got through immigration with no problems.  They never even asked me for the visa registration papers.  The flight home was better and Delta upgraded me to business class for the final leg back to SF which I was really thankful for except for the drunk republican I had to listen to rant about Obama.  I also got $350 in vouchers for the messed up flight to Moscow so that will be helpful on the next trip.

So.. there was this little kid on the bus one day.  He heard us speaking English and asked where I was from.  I said California and then this kid went on a rant about how I could come to Moscow and not speak Russian and that the 'effing Americans should go to hell with all the other foreigners.  My girl called him a little fascist and told his mother she should be ashamed of his behavior because it was a reflection on her.

[Sculpto]

So, it was not an entirely perfect trip.  I mean on the one hand we really connected and the positives were very strong. 

But, there are clearly some potential roadblocks due to her career.  I hated to see her feeling down and with the exception of ignoring her there seemed to be nothing I could do to cheer her up.  That is hard for me as I always try to make people happy. But, each time she did snap out of it and made extra effort to do things to make me happy afterwards. 

Can't appreciate the good times without bad times too. 

I feel inspired by her though.  She is an attractive girl but not a top model type so I feel I am not being clouded by the "hottie effect".  I feel a strong emotional and psychological connection with her and for me that is a big motivator.   It will be several months before I can see her again so this time apart will be an important indicator if there is real potential for long term success with her.

[Shadow]

Sculpto, you had a real RW experience this time. You seem correct in all your observations, but at the same time you need to continue checking the vibes. From your description before it seems she is in trouble being in a city she does not like, and doing a job that she knows can endanger her and people around her. That does explain the sometimes somber moods, and I am sure that your presence has helped her pick things up.
I hope the continuation of this will be equally well, and that your meeting in Tomsk will show you more sides of her that might still be hidden. Keep going.

[Diplomacy]

Ahh the alluring personality Indeed Sculpto.  Seems like you too got I good feel for each other.  It does not seem like 2 tickets to paradise at all.  Making informed decisions and it is just a matter of accepting her for what she is and if you are comfortable with that.

I had a good feeling you were going to get to the true person.  Great TR, keep going my man.  The K1 trip is a nasty one for sure, but it does have real advantages if you use it that way.  I can now safely say I got through one heck of a battle, and resolved in a manner I am comfortable with.  Any points for out waiting FSU stall tactics and the silent treatment?

[Sculpto]

Ahh the alluring personality Indeed Sculpto.  Seems like you too got I good feel for each other.  It does not seem like 2 tickets to paradise at all.  Making informed decisions and it is just a matter of accepting her for what she is and if you are comfortable with that.

I had a good feeling you were going to get to the true person.  Great TR, keep going my man.  The K1 trip is a nasty one for sure, but it does have real advantages if you use it that way.  I can now safely say I got through one heck of a battle, and resolved in a manner I am comfortable with.  Any points for out waiting FSU stall tactics and the silent treatment?

Informed decisions.. yeah.. as Shadow mentioned going to Tomsk would be a good idea and I know she wants me to.  Logistics may be another issue.

I can accept her the way she is.  As I said in many posts I like my girls with a bit of drama.. a bit of fire.. so for me its good that she is this way.  I just have to get used to her particular variation and I will be fine with it.

What do you mean about the K1 trip being nasty?

What do you mean about stall tactics and silent treatments?

[ScottinCrimea]

Great TR Sculpto, it sounds like you may have a winner there and I wish you the best of luck.  You deserve it.  Still much to learn to be sure.  Now to exercise my OMB duties:  Come on, two days together and you're talking love and the k-1?  Using the K-1 visa processing time as the decision making time?  Haven't you been reading the forum?

[Sculpto]

Scott, I knew someone would bring that up sooner or later.  LOL.. However, I want to respond by saying that I have had daily correspondence with this lady for over a year before meeting her.  When we finally did meet it did not in the least feel like meeting a stranger, on the contrary more like an old friend.  The only suprise I had was her moodiness, which I had seen before in our chats but she was more open with it.  Even though this moodiness was annoying knowing how proud she is I took her willingness to show me her true self.. not all dolled up and behaving perfectly.. but as a real person with real feeling that are even sometimes irrational as a big sign of trust from her.  I could have just as easily walked out on her, but, she showed me that I might have to deal with her moods. 

To be honest when I was a younger man I would have either walked away from the relationship or tried to "force" her to snap out of her bad mood.  I was rather impressed with my own patience and ability to walk away without leaving and give her space, and, when I found myself reacting strongly in the middle of the night being able to bring those feelings back in and be supportive to her when she needed my support in the morning. 

Talking about love... sigh.. well I/we broke that rule months ago during our yahoo chats.  I told her then about AOLOVE and that even if I had love feelings for her it was the internet and until we met IRL nothing could be considered real or confirmed.  However, as I said, from the first minute together it felt as if we had always been together.  I understand her wanting to know what my intentions are.  You know Russian girls well enough.. I promised her for a year I would come.. I doubt she ever really believed me.. and then there I was, in the flesh.. exactly how I portrayed myself online.. down to earth.. sweet.. and honest... it all took her by suprise and I know she didn't want to open herself to me only to later discover all my words were just a fantasy or a ruse to get her in bed.  She had already made some inquiries about the visa proces on her own and she knows how difficult it is.  I simply explained what the options are.. go for a business visa which might be faster but has a bigger risk of being rejected.. go for a normal student visa but that is slow and she fears she doesn't have the funds on hand to prove she can pay for a California Uni and her welfare while here so that shoots that down.. Work Travel but again it is slow and not guaranteed.. or K1 which is slow but pretty much a sure thing. 

To tell you the truth she agreed to the K1 but she is worried about it.  She didn't think much about getting married at this stage of her life.  She would prefer to wait longer to make such a big decision because she takes marriage very seriously.  But, she also recognizes it might be the only way for us to be togehter and neither one of us are inclined to wait two or three years.  I suggested quitting my job and going to Russia.  I suppose I could teach English and probably do ok, but, she flat out rejected the idea not because she wants to come to the USA but because she is sure I will not be happy in Russia, even if I am with her.  Honestly I would also prefer to be able to date her for a year or even just go spend a month with her before doing the K1 but at this stage it isn't very realistic. 

I think we both know it is a risk.. but a risk we would be taking with eyes wide open.

[dispozo]

 

  I suggested quitting my job and going to Russia.  I suppose I could teach English and probably do ok, but, she flat out rejected the idea not because she wants to come to the USA but because she is sure I will not be happy in Russia, even if I am with her. 

This response would make me worry. Her reasoning is weak, how does she know she will like America. Not really what I would want to hear. But this is just me.

You had a good trip and you learned some things about her. I understand how you felt about not meeting a stranger. I felt the exact same way. We had wrote each other almost 8 months before we met. She was the same lady in her letters and photos. I did learned some things that you can only learn face to face.

Your next trip definitely to meet the family and friends.

welcome back!!!

[Sculpto]

dispozo..

I see your point and in fact questioned her very strongly when she made it.  The fact is she doesn't know if she will like America.  If you have read some of my other posts in my original Moscow or Bust thread you might recall that I had mentioned something about living in Mexico.  In my perfect world I would be living in Mexico, in the mountains in the south, making art, eating great locally grown food, exploring the jungle and having a really simple life.  Yet, I can never be satisfied with such simplicity forever and would grow bored of such an arrangement... I need the BIG city also and all the cultural benefits associated with places like SF, New York, Moscow, Paris, London and so on...

In my discussions with her about the future I allowed myself to dream outloud with her and asked her to do the same.  I suggested creating a scenario where we might be able to roam a little, have a simple place in Mexico and a place here in the US which would be the home base for making money and finding some small business we can do in Russia that will avoid detection by the Mafia which she has described as dominant over most business matters in Tomsk as well as Moscow.  This would give the freedom to spend time in each of the places.  Her response was she only dreamed to write and speak the truth.  She wants to use her words to catalyze positive change in Russia.  Given her current situation she had never really thought about the opportunities available in the wider world and frankly lives very much day to day/ hand to mouth like many people in the FSU.  She is more inclined to adventure than security.. which is a big part of my attraction to her.  She likes my idea of living in different places a lot and understands the economic implications of creating such a lifestyle. 

Her main concern about me quitting my job and going to Russia is not so simple as I stated in the last post.  It is not only that she fears I would be unhappy there, but, also that I do not speak good Russian at this point, that my current career path as a kitchen and bath designer is not a well paid job in Russia and that ultimately I might be bored as an English teacher.  I would not also be suprised, though she never mentioned it, if she might feel some threat from other women.  She did say that she has a tendency to jealousy so my guess might not be far from the truth.  While I think she is beautiful and would have no problem being faithful, we all know that many Russian guys are not faithful and she has no frame of reference to believe that any man could be faithful.

[Mishenka]

Welcome home Eric!

I enjoyed reading your TR. I have to say one thing here real quick, regarding this statement,

"I suggested quitting my job and going to Russia.  I suppose I could teach English and probably do OK, but, she flat out rejected the idea not because she wants to come to the USA but because she is sure I will not be happy in Russia, even if I am with her". 

You also wrote " There were three things.  First she didn't want to stay in Moscow and was very worried.  She doesn't like it there but has no choice because of her career" 

I would think in her profession, she is constantly watching her back. I recently read a few news articles about how many journalists "disappear" from Moscow after writing anything against the leadership there. So the fact she doesn't like it there is a good enough reason not to have you quit your job and move there.

I was saying the same things to Galina.  She doesn't want to stay in her city either for a lot of reasons.  We say things like "I could live anywhere in the world as long as we are together".  The truth is, we need more money to live on than what we can earn in any city of FSU as a foreigner.   Glad you had a great time. I can sense your smile and also the pain of separation. One last thing about moods, this is typical of all RW I have met over the last 10 years. They can be quite moody. Be attentive and you will sense it and deal with it more easily.  They love to talk  if you are willing to listen. That in itself is the first step to success.  You seem to be doing well! Congrats on a great trip.

Mishenka

[Diplomacy]

Eric:

Waiting and waiting on the time it takes from when you apply for K1 and when they actually arrive was what I meant by trip.  Then add to the fact of the stress of leaving to a place you know little about.  I waited for a battle a real battle to occur to make sure we would resolve it in a manner that is acceptable.

You are dealing with 2 different worlds, ways of viewing the world. What is acceptable there is not here, the role of being an equal in a relationship is new to many of them, what I care to be involved with in family matters and what she is used to a man being involved with, what religion, what other people are saying about the situation between us, what expectations are.

For me also, what my role is with her son and am I comfortable with that.  The language barrier of trying to get to what are meant by the words and how I take them to mean are often not one and the same.  Not being able to see the eyes, mannerisms, body language, inflection and tone of voice.  While dealing with all of this 6,000 miles away.  It is a trip in my mind, and not fun at all.  Just throwing it out there, so at least those going through it can start thinking about all the scenarios I have went through.  Any others I am open to in another thread of course.

You are both driven by artist passion, so that adds a dynamic I am not dealing with.  I agree though, that you should be happy with each other anywhere. I think though it is fair to say after being there, which is the better suited location for the both of you.

As silent treatment goes, that is a universal woman trait I thought that many women have.  Of course everyone deals with things in a different way.  Some people do not like talking about things in the heat of the moment and retreat to think about them.  While I on the other hand like to face a problem right away so it does not spiral out of control.  Had to find middle ground that everyone is comfortable with, which we did.  Stall tactic was avoiding answering a question that she was not comfortable with, and going to another question.  Waiting in silence for the other to give in is a very real negotiating tactic in FSU.  Silence, is used as strength in negotiating until the other is no longer comfortable with it.  Especially if they are dealing with Americans, and they can feel they have an advantage there.

I have no idea if that is specific or cultural.  When you are used to things going wrong all the time, it must have some sort of influence on the collective.  I just found a lot of accepting things as for what they were, when you could in fact change it.  I hope that explained things better, and not made things even more confusing.

 

[Sculpto]

"I suggested quitting my job and going to Russia.  I suppose I could teach English and probably do OK, but, she flat out rejected the idea not because she wants to come to the USA but because she is sure I will not be happy in Russia, even if I am with her". 

You also wrote " There were three things.  First she didn't want to stay in Moscow and was very worried.  She doesn't like it there but has no choice because of her career" 

I would think in her profession, she is constantly watching her back. I recently read a few news articles about how many journalists "disappear" from Moscow after writing anything against the leadership there. So the fact she doesn't like it there is a good enough reason not to have you quit your job and move there.

You are absoultely right Mishenka.  She has had her nose borken twice.  She only told me one story.  In Tomsk, the government there has a substantial amount of funds for the restoration of the old wooden houses.  Apparently some less than scrupulous contractors have taken to burning wooden houses that do not qualify for the renovation funds in an effort to qualify and then do poor reconstructions and pocket the proceeds.  My girl witnessed this taking place and was attacked by the contractors as she was taking photographs resulting in a broken nose when they smashed the camera into her face.  Since her Dad is a cop she was able to prosecute those who attacked her, but, the danger persists.


[/quote]
I was saying the same things to Galina.  She doesn't want to stay in her city either for a lot of reasons.  We say things like "I could live anywhere in the world as long as we are together".  The truth is, we need more money to live on than what we can earn in any city of FSU as a foreigner.   Glad you had a great time. I can sense your smile and also the pain of separation. One last thing about moods, this is typical of all RW I have met over the last 10 years. They can be quite moody. Be attentive and you will sense it and deal with it more easily.  They love to talk  if you are willing to listen. That in itself is the first step to success.  You seem to be doing well! Congrats on a great trip.[/quote]

I am not too worried about the moods.  I just didn't expect it, even though I had seen it sometimes during our chats.  When she was moody in chats it seemed easier for me to bring her out of it, but, maybe she was just acting during those chats and didn't want me to see her down.  But, as I said before, compared to what I have dealt with in the past with my AW X GF who was bipolar, before bipolar disorder was widely discussed or I had much knowledge about it, my Sweetie in Tomsk is not hard to deal with.  She says she can be worse, but, I did see that as long as I give her some space she will come out of it soon enough on her own and then she seems to make up for lost time in really sweet ways.  If this pattern were to continue I would be completely ok with it.  I mean, I get moody too, less now than I used to, but, to be honest she didn't see one of my dark moments so it would be interesting to see how she would react to me.

[Sculpto]

Eric:

Waiting and waiting on the time it takes from when you apply for K1 and when they actually arrive was what I meant by trip.  Then add to the fact of the stress of leaving to a place you know little about.  I waited for a battle a real battle to occur to make sure we would resolve it in a manner that is acceptable.

You are dealing with 2 different worlds, ways of viewing the world. What is acceptable there is not here, the role of being an equal in a relationship is new to many of them, what I care to be involved with in family matters and what she is used to a man being involved with, what religion, what other people are saying about the situation between us, what expectations are.

For me also, what my role is with her son and am I comfortable with that.  The language barrier of trying to get to what are meant by the words and how I take them to mean are often not one and the same.  Not being able to see the eyes, mannerisms, body language, inflection and tone of voice.  While dealing with all of this 6,000 miles away.  It is a trip in my mind, and not fun at all.  Just throwing it out there, so at least those going through it can start thinking about all the scenarios I have went through.  Any others I am open to in another thread of course.

You are both driven by artist passion, so that adds a dynamic I am not dealing with.  I agree though, that you should be happy with each other anywhere. I think though it is fair to say after being there, which is the better suited location for the both of you.

As silent treatment goes, that is a universal woman trait I thought that many women have.  Of course everyone deals with things in a different way.  Some people do not like talking about things in the heat of the moment and retreat to think about them.  While I on the other hand like to face a problem right away so it does not spiral out of control.  Had to find middle ground that everyone is comfortable with, which we did.  Stall tactic was avoiding answering a question that she was not comfortable with, and going to another question.  Waiting in silence for the other to give in is a very real negotiating tactic in FSU.  Silence, is used as strength in negotiating until the other is no longer comfortable with it.  Especially if they are dealing with Americans, and they can feel they have an advantage there.

I have no idea if that is specific or cultural.  When you are used to things going wrong all the time, it must have some sort of influence on the collective.  I just found a lot of accepting things as for what they were, when you could in fact change it.  I hope that explained things better, and not made things even more confusing.

 

OK, now I see what you mean about the "trip".  What makes it worse is after speaking with her this morning she put down some ground rules about the K1.  She wants to do it, but, she is demanding that we not proceed until she has some money in her pocket.  But, I have to say, this is a big part of why I love this gal.. she knows I can pay for everything, travel expenses, visa fees, interview and medical exam costs.. but.. she has categorically refused to let me do it alone.  She will accept it if we split it 50-50.  Plus, she wants to have her own reserve of money when she arrives here.  So, the bottom line she is going to make me wait to begin the process.  Probably only two or three months, but, sigh.. the waiting begins even before the waiting begins.  The reality is we waited a year to meet the first time anyway, so, if it takes another whole year before she is here it would be hard, but, it is not impossible, plus, I will make at least one more trip during that time so maximum it will be 6 months before I can see her again.  Plus, I will probably be able to go to her in Tomsk, I am already setting up the logistics to make that happen.  I guess Delta did me a favor by screwing up my flight because I've got a $350 voucher which covers more than half the cost of flying to Tomsk.  I think there is also a subtext of her wanting to wait to see what happens with her Dad who is going through heavy chemotherapy, has no hair now and is very weak.  I know she does not want to leave Russia before he passes, or, if there is a turnaround then she would feel unburdened.

I totally understand what you are saying about gender roles and expectations.  Before I left she said to me.. "You will cook and I will sleep" meaning I would be in the kitchen and she would be in the bed.  But, the exact opposite is what happened.  It seemed like a real "Mothering" instinct took over.  I can't tell you how many times she said "Eat salat".  LOL.  I told her about the Italian mother of my fathers wife and how she was the same.  I know I won over her friend when we were all three sitting in the kitchen drinking Frangelico and we wanted to switch to the Monterey Cabernet I had brought.  I got up to wash the glasses.  Both of them sat there watching me with a look of amazement in their eyes and immediately comment how nice it was for me to do that because a Russian man will never get off the chair to wash a glass.  As her mothering of me progressed I started to tease her a little about it and called her "mom" a few times.  She seemed to love that and the more I teased about it the more Mom like she became.  Man, what an awesome woman.  I feel sick I miss her so much!

As far as where to live.. well.. she is Armenian and the lack of sun in Siberia or even in Moscow does her no good.  I spent some time telling her about life on the beach in Mexico.  Hot sun, soft hammock, cold beer, go to walk in the evening when it is cool, swimming in the bay with colored fish, taking day trip up to the mountains to a coffee of cacao plantation or waterfall or hotspring.  She was hooked.    I also told her about our great beaches right here in San Francisco where clothing is optional and there are some very strange gay men with everything pierced.  First she said "ewww that disgusting" and then after 15 seconds of obvious thinking she said "I want see naked gay man with pierced p...."  LOL.  I did not even try to explain to her about the Folsom Street Fair.  That is too much... I will have to ease her into that freak show.  But, back to the sun.. explaining to her that SF and northern Cali in general has sun well over 200 days a year seemed to warm her to the idea that maybe life here would not be terrible.

Silent treatment.. well, in retrospect I guess I did get some of that when she was beng moody.  That is actually why i thought i had done something wrong.  But, on that last night when she explained what was really wrong I understood her silence had nothing to do with me.  In fact, at one point she even told me when she is in such a mood to just leave her alone and she will be ok.  I suspect I will have to learn the difference between her being in a mood and giving me the silence because she is not happy with me.. that will come in time.  She does do the stall tactic.. she simply does "shhhh" and then refuses to talk about the issue.  then, she will initiate the topic again later.  I guess she takes longer to process things than I do.  Funny thing is she warned me about her being impulsive, but, I actually think I am probably more impulsive than she is.  So, perhaps my 20 something girlfriend is more mature than me... so much for age gap issues hahahaha.

[groovlstk]

Welcome home, Sculpto.

Glad to hear things went well for you.

As far as moods go, with my wife I've found that a little affection and tenderness can cure any bad mood, even when I'm the cause of it 

[Sculpto]

Welcome home, Sculpto.

Glad to hear things went well for you.

As far as moods go, with my wife I've found that a little affection and tenderness can cure any bad mood, even when I'm the cause of it 

Hey Groov.. well, I tried that but she just wanted to be left alone and usually within half an hour she would come and give me affection and tenderness.. I should mention a cold beer also seemed to get her out of it also, LOL.

[groovlstk]

I should mention a cold beer also seemed to get her out of it also, LOL.

Why can't more women think so sensibly?

[Diplomacy]

Why can't more women think so sensibly?

We would all be really wealthy if the forum could find that answer.

[Sculpto]

LOL I got pretty far with the Baileys and Frangelica also..

Hey, who actually believes all those girls profiles on sites that say "dont smoke, dont drink"?

Ive been over there 3 times now and sure seemed like everyone was smoking and drinking a LOT and the girls I know here in SF party heavily too...

[GoodOlBoy]

Welcome back Sculpto. I have a question. Did she try to keep the key and lock you inside the flat at night ?  (ie: Kiev disaster)

[Sculpto]

LMFAO... no.  However, she was in charge of the keys the whole time.  It was very funny, she seemed to think I would not be able to navigate the odd locks.. even though she had trouble with them herself.  The one afternoon I was on my own I got a very specific lecture on how to use the keys.. which way to turn the keys.. which key to use in which lock and of course the magnetic key to open the door to the building.  I had fun with her on that one and pretended to not be able to make it work.  She started to get upset and then realized I was joking around.

[Diplomacy]

Joke all you want, I never thought of a lock ever being so different.  My butt was locked out. 

[dispozo]

dispozo..

I see your point and in fact questioned her very strongly when she made it.  The fact is she doesn't know if she will like America.  If you have read some of my other posts in my original Moscow or Bust thread you might recall that I had mentioned something about living in Mexico.  In my perfect world I would be living in Mexico, in the mountains in the south, making art, eating great locally grown food, exploring the jungle and having a really simple life.  Yet, I can never be satisfied with such simplicity forever and would grow bored of such an arrangement... I need the BIG city also and all the cultural benefits associated with places like SF, New York, Moscow, Paris, London and so on...

In my discussions with her about the future I allowed myself to dream outloud with her and asked her to do the same.  I suggested creating a scenario where we might be able to roam a little, have a simple place in Mexico and a place here in the US which would be the home base for making money and finding some small business we can do in Russia that will avoid detection by the Mafia which she has described as dominant over most business matters in Tomsk as well as Moscow.  This would give the freedom to spend time in each of the places.  Her response was she only dreamed to write and speak the truth.  She wants to use her words to catalyze positive change in Russia.  Given her current situation she had never really thought about the opportunities available in the wider world and frankly lives very much day to day/ hand to mouth like many people in the FSU.  She is more inclined to adventure than security.. which is a big part of my attraction to her.  She likes my idea of living in different places a lot and understands the economic implications of creating such a lifestyle. 

Her main concern about me quitting my job and going to Russia is not so simple as I stated in the last post.  It is not only that she fears I would be unhappy there, but, also that I do not speak good Russian at this point, that my current career path as a kitchen and bath designer is not a well paid job in Russia and that ultimately I might be bored as an English teacher.  I would not also be suprised, though she never mentioned it, if she might feel some threat from other women.  She did say that she has a tendency to jealousy so my guess might not be far from the truth.  While I think she is beautiful and would have no problem being faithful, we all know that many Russian guys are not faithful and she has no frame of reference to believe that any man could be faithful.

I hear what your saying.

All the matters is that you trust her and believe in her.

I also see many good things...

Communicating for year without a visit.
She continued to communicate after the first planed trip went south.
I think it is safe to say she never asked for money.
Paid her own way to meet you and refused your help.
She wants you to meet her family and friends.
Plus some others......

I my book all very good.....

See I am not all gloom and doom.

Good luck!!!

[groovlstk]

Joke all you want, I never thought of a lock ever being so different.  My butt was locked out. 

My personal favorite are those locks on the outside of some apt. complexes that have a series of numbered metal buttons and you need to press four of them simultaneously to open the door. It sounds easy but I once stood out in the freezing night for 30 mins. trying to open one. It seemed to me the doors were drunk-proof, since I can't imagine how anyone with a respectable amount of vodka in their system could manage the hand/eye coordination needed to open the lock, but Russians are capable of many things.