TR to Moscow

[Sculpto]

the building I stayed in had the push button code thing but was also retrofitted with what looked like a magnetic disk.. there was another magentic disk that must have had some sort of RF or code built in.  You held it to the disk on the key pad and the door would unlock. 

[Sculpto]

BTW.. has anyone ever been in one of those old elevators that did not smell like pee?

I found myself having urges to fix things.. the broken trim.. the rusty and squeeky door.. the loose tiles... the weather stripping falling off the window.. and on and on and on...

[Diplomacy]

That and buying all the light bulbs I could Eric, and going from building to building putting them in.  Then yelling let there be light each time.  I am thinking night blindness does not effect them.  It is like a city that the is one big set to a horror movie at night.  The smell of urine and the dark is not exactly the best combination.  I know people must steal and they do not get replaced, but it is not fun at all trying to find your way in the dark.  I had no elevator though.  God only knows what I stepped in too.  I hope God keeps it that way, some things I just do not want to know.

[Sculpto]

I suspect conditions in Moscow are a lot better than in many other places.  I know I saw some "suburban" apartments in Donetsk that were IMHO not habitable yet every apartment was occupied and I did make one journey to the outskirts of Odessa and was really shocked by the conditions there also.  Where I stayed in Moscow wasn't really that bad.. all the lights worked.. there were no missing chunks of concrete or piles of broken off tiles sitting at ground level.. there was even plenty of hot water and steam heat..

One of the most fun moments I had was when I went to have a Shewarma on the day I was on my own.  I had eaten there the day before with "A" and when I went back the guys recognized me instantly.  They didn't speak a word of English but somehow we managed to have a conversation about Obama. 

I loved the look on "A"s face when I told her about my solo adventures.  She was shocked I made it to Arbat and back alone, had gone to the grocery without her help, had eaten at the Shewarma stand without speaking Russian, directed the taxi back from the Metro stop to the apartment and paid less than we did when she hailed the Lada.. and finally did not get locked out of the apartment.  It was actually hilarious and I know I gained a lot of respect from her by doing all that stuff.  It was much the same reaction as when she realized I was understanding more than 50% of the Russian being spoken on some occasions even though I still couldn't manage to spit out a complete sentence.  Or, when the alphabet clicked on and suddenly was able to read acurately when just the day before I was still saying, "Pestopa" instead of "Restoran".

I probably messed up by doing this.. but I promised her next time I see her I will be able to speak at least a little Russian.  Why do I do that???  LOL

I like Russia.. same as I like New York.. cool place to visit... 

[Mishenka]

I found myself having urges to fix things.. the broken trim.. the rusty and squeaky door.. the loose tiles... the weather stripping falling off the window.. and on and on and on...

Yep, I'm right there with ya. I had urges to fix everything too.  Our relationships have things in common. I'm a remodeling contractor.  I stayed 30 days on the first trip. We were inseparable. We couldn't leave the house without each other.  She bought her flat 18 years ago and not one repair had been made this whole time. You can imagine the work that needed to be done.

Within a few days, her old fridge broke down. Looked like something out of the 60's. Off we went with her son Pavel (24) to buy a new one. He researched the best brands and prices on line before we left. I told Galina to pick one she wanted. She chose the cheapest smallest one.  I said, no lets look here, I chose the largest and most expensive. About 700 USD. I negotiated back and forth with the salesman and was getting nowhere, then I asked for the owner. I took him aside and told him how we have only this much and really need this new fridge, ours is broken. I counted out $500 and he agreed to take it.   We got to the taxi and Pavel begins to laugh out of control. I asked what is it?  He said they never discount anything here, especially to Americans. We paid the cheapest price for the most expensive one. Usually Americans pay double! We had it delivered to the flat and guess what?  It didn't fit through the door, it was over 6' tall and a bit to wide, so,,,, we had to carry it through a set of double windows. Got it into the room and it didn't fit in the space between the cabinets, so we had to rebuild cabinets. Needless to say, one thing leads to another and by the time I left, she had new wall with 3 new vinyl windows, new kitchen and eating area complete with new cabinets, paint and wall paper, ceiling and lighting.  Now some of you are going to scream at me. First, I'm a remodeling contractor and the cost labor was nil. Materials for all of it came to under $2,500 including appliances AND Pavel payed for about 1/3 of this plus he paid the workers labor cost.  It updated and upgraded her flat at least $10,000+ in value. When we sell it later she will reap the benefit.  Originally she paid $7,000 for the flat, todays value is 80,000, maybe more.

We enjoyed cooking together in the kitchen. She didn't have a sharp knife in the house so, off we went shopping for a quality set of Swiss knives for about half the price we pay here.  While we were at it, I found a nice coffee maker and got that too. I had brought coffee with me and had no way to make it.  Coffee quickly became her favorite drink, I've been sending it over ever since. I decided to buy a few pots and pans she needed. Everything she had belonged to her grandmother. Of course you know, nothing tastes the same if you don't cook it in grandmothers pots and pans. You must put your heart and soul into your cooking. So I cooked my favorite Lebanese dish in her grandmothers pots and pans and taught them all how to make it. Now its a family favorite.  Galina was skeptical about my cooking until the family sat down to eat. I had earned the right to cook beside her in HER kitchen. We spent each day filled with emotions, dealing with issues, questions, answers, decisions.  There is nothing like a family remodel to bond a relationship. She kept saying  "I want to kill this worker" I told her nooooo let him live! Poor guy. He was always late and had been drinking. Anyway,,,, with everyones help we pleased the boss and she was happy in her new place.

 Being apart is never easy, each day she asks me "how is your mood" your health? Did you eat something?  eat your Salat!

I guess its time to write a complete TR.
Mishenka

[Sculpto]

Salat.. sigh..

She made sure I knew how to make her favorite salat on the last day.  I liked it and is obviously healthy.  As soon as I get caught up with some things I will go to the grocery here and get all the ingredients. 

man all this posting and thinking about "A" is really making me miss her and I know she is sleeping now and I shouldn't call... sigh...

[Fashionista]

Sculpto,

I think you would benefit from spending more face time together before you rush into marriage.  She's got mood swings? You've knew her for a few days and you are already saving her from Big Bad Russian Government, mafia and unfaithful race of Russian men who "as we all know" a RW absolutely cannot rely upon? Come to think of it, teaching English in Moscow for a year sounds like a good idea.  I can perfectly understand why a person wouldnt like living in Moscow, nothing about her in your TR strikes me as suspicious, but I don't know your girl.  It seems to me that neither do you.   Take some time even if takes some pursuading.

Don't burn me at the stake if you feel differently.  Think.

[Shadow]

My personal favorite are those locks on the outside of some apt. complexes that have a series of numbered metal buttons and you need to press four of them simultaneously to open the door. It sounds easy but I once stood out in the freezing night for 30 mins. trying to open one. It seemed to me the doors were drunk-proof, since I can't imagine how anyone with a respectable amount of vodka in their system could manage the hand/eye coordination needed to open the lock, but Russians are capable of many things.

Actually it helps when you drink vodka. People seem to misunderstand the powers that vodka gives you. 

[Mishenka]

Sculpto,

I think you would benefit from spending more face time together before you rush into marriage.  She's got mood swings? You've knew her for a few days and you are already saving her from Big Bad Russian Government, mafia and unfaithful race of Russian men who "as we all know" a RW absolutely cannot rely upon? Come to think of it, teaching English in Moscow for a year sounds like a good idea.  I can perfectly understand why a person wouldnt like living in Moscow, nothing about her in your TR strikes me as suspicious, but I don't know your girl.  It seems to me that neither do you.   Take some time even if takes some pursuading.

Don't burn me at the stake if you feel differently.  Think.

What woman doesn't have mood swings?

 

[Misha]

Sculpto,

I think you would benefit from spending more face time together before you rush into marriage.  She's got mood swings? You've knew her for a few days and you are already saving her from Big Bad Russian Government, mafia and unfaithful race of Russian men who "as we all know" a RW absolutely cannot rely upon? Come to think of it, teaching English in Moscow for a year sounds like a good idea.  I can perfectly understand why a person wouldnt like living in Moscow, nothing about her in your TR strikes me as suspicious, but I don't know your girl.  It seems to me that neither do you.   Take some time even if takes some pursuading.

Don't burn me at the stake if you feel differently.  Think.

I agree with you. Too often men and women make the mistake of proving to themselves that person X is THE ONE. Rather than thanking critically, and trying to objectively understand whether they are compatible, they spend a lot of energy convincing themselves that they really do love all those little idiosyncrasies and justifying whey they are right for each other.

[groovlstk]

Sculpto,

I think you would benefit from spending more face time together before you rush into marriage.  She's got mood swings? You've knew her for a few days and you are already saving her from Big Bad Russian Government, mafia and unfaithful race of Russian men who "as we all know" a RW absolutely cannot rely upon? Come to think of it, teaching English in Moscow for a year sounds like a good idea.  I can perfectly understand why a person wouldnt like living in Moscow, nothing about her in your TR strikes me as suspicious, but I don't know your girl.  It seems to me that neither do you.   Take some time even if takes some pursuading.

Don't burn me at the stake if you feel differently.  Think.

This is really solid advice from someone whom I wish would post more. 

[Sculpto]

Fashionista,

I don't disagree with you.  If there was an easy way for me to spend more tme with her I would do it without hesitation.  The obstacles created by US immigration rules make it nearly impossible for her to come here without the K1 and if we take the risk and try for some other method and there is a visa rejection in her passport it will make everything harder in the long run.

Now, if I was to go there for a year I need to be absolutely sure I can make enough to support both of us in a "Moscow Middle Class" level.  Meaning.. not struggling to pay rent or eat.  I have no idea if that is possible as an English teacher without a certification.  though, I could certainly enroll and get one soon enough.  However, her tenure in Moscow is in fact short term.  She will be back in Tomsk at the end of the month at the latest.  So, that presents other complications if I were to go over there for a year.  Nothing would suck more than being there and alone while she was in Moscow for 3 weeks every other month.  The other "issue" of me going there is losing my apartment in SF.  I have an amazing deal right now that I will never find again.  If I give up this apartment being able to return to SF after a year would be difficult if not impossible.  So, if I was to make such a move I would have to be very sure that I could provide a decent lifestyle for us to compensate for the difficulties we would certainly encounter upon return to the US.

So, all of that said.. I had a sort of epifany last night.  I have to admit I was a bit disappointed yesterday when I spoke with her about the visa and she wanted to wait a couple of months to begin things.  All her reasons are acceptable, but, I miss her and wish we could be together sooner than later.  So, anyway.. last night I saw my friends for the first time since i got back.  We were up on the roof of my art studio.. looking out on the beautiful San Francisco skyline and smoking a joint.  You know.. weed can really be a miracle sometimes.. its been a while since I've smoked so the effect was stronger and I realized I need to be carefull and take things easy.  Not to force my lonliness onto the relationship and also onto her.  I understood if I pressure her about the Visa and rushing over here I could actually lose the girl.  So.. slow down.. take it easy... go see her again ASAP and be PATIENT. 

Also.. please don't take my negative comments about Russian men, government or even the mafia the wrong way.  I know there are plenty of good men, and I certainly hope she doesn't find one when we are apart!    I know she isn't looking.. but.. things can happen... As far as the mafia.. well.. where I live in SF we have 22B, 13S, 14N and half a dozen other groups of "banditos" roaming the streets and shooting each other, dealing drugs and extorting protection money from business owners.  These scumbags just don't dress as well as Russian mafia.    And finally, saving someone who is politically active in opposition to the Russian government and bringing them to the US is like taking taking the fish out of the fire and putting it into a blast furnace.  Maybe they don't kill opposition journalists in the USA but their are fates can be worse than death.  Josh Wolf is a particularly good example and there are many others.  The USA is far from paradise.  It is merely different than Russia.. not better, not worse.

[docetae]

Hello,

I don't want to make you land too fast, but if she loves you, she will do everything she can to be with you the earliest she can. It is hard to describe it without experiencing it. If you ask a woman to change her lifestyle, to live far from her family and everything she is used to know, be sure she is totally in love with you (and that you feel the same too). It seems that on of you are the right side of the brain (emotion..) and she is on the left side (logical).

Now from what you have written here, I see a beautiful story of love but not material to build a long relationship.

[Sculpto]

Docetae,
I hear you.  I know she is struggling with her emotions.  She once told me, a long time ago, that she never had been in love with a man and did not know if she could be.  When I was with her she mentioned more than once that she has "cold Siberian heart".  Love for her is not simple or something she takes lightly.

She has told me she loves me, before we met IRL AOLOVE and when I was with her.  But, it was sweet and quiet and wispered in ear and her face was flushed and she was visibly nervous when she said it.  And after she said it she became very quiet.... and, her actions showed someone who if not in love at least deeply cared.  Sometimes I felt she was holding back, that she wanted to let it all out but was afraid.

yes she might be functioning on a very logical level.  She has a father in the middle of Chemotherapy.  Her "schedule" may be exactly what you describe.. she may be moving as fast as she can without putting her other obligations at risk.  She might be less impulsive than I am. 

But, just because she is not rushing to get on the plane doesn't mean anything.  Remember, this woman was not looking to leave Russia.  She may need more proof from me than I do from her.  If the relationship has lifetime potential will take some time to know for sure.  But I do know she waited more than a year to meet me and her "being" was 100% consistent with who she showed me she is in chats and the phone during that time.  So, I do not see where you are getting the conclusion there is not material for a long term...

[groovlstk]

My situation was similar to doc's, once my wife and I were committed it was torture being apart. After we were engaged and I explained to her about the K1, the details were not important, basically to her it was "tell me what I need to do so that we can be together."

Just my opinion but I'd caution any guy to wait until his woman reaches a similar plane, where she's not looking back over her shoulder. Based on what you've written your gf isn't quite there yet but she may be on her way.

[Diplomacy]

Sculpto:

She has feelings that are new for her, her Dad is very sick.  I would let the whole scenario settle down.  One of those points is enough to deal with, both of them at the same time is an awful lot to have stacked in the deck.

I would be their for her, and watch what happens when.  She clearly has waited a year, liked what she saw and is trying to come to terms with a lot at once.  I know my man, easier said than done. 

She may really regret not being there knowing her Dad is not doing well.  Hard call my man to wait. 

[docetae]

The fact her dad is sick is not good for her to have a clear emotional picture.
You can ask her a simple question too, "do you want that I come near you if your father is passing away or do you need time alone". You will know by the answer where she is in your relation, if you are still a stranger or already part of the family.

If her father is still ok, take a plane within 2 months to see her again. Her behavior, the way you will be together will give you answers to all questions you have.

[Sculpto]

As I mentioned before, maybe in the other thread, she asked me even before I went to Moscow to give her time to spend with her Dad before he passes.  She has also said she would be fine with me visiting Tomsk before he passes to meet her Mom.. parents are divorced.  I also know she has discussed living abroud with her Mother.  Her mother was not against the idea.

I think the most important thing for me to do now is simply be supportive and not give her pressure to make decisions about our future. 

I would like to make a trip within the next two-three months though I dread the thought of the Siberian winter.

[Chicagoguy]

Tomsk

I was there in January visiting a woman English teacher.  It is a nice place. Big University town. -31 F

Summer would be nicer 

[groovlstk]

You can ask her a simple question too, "do you want that I come near you if your father is passing away or do you need time alone". You will know by the answer where she is in your relation, if you are still a stranger or already part of the family.

Good observation, Doc.

[UTRO]

If her father is still ok, take a plane within 2 months to see her again. Her behavior, the way you will be together will give you answers to all questions you have.

Sculpto,

I have to agree with Docetae.
You have to get back to see her within the next quarter. It's so easy to blind out reality without even realizing it, when meeting someone new. Add to that the adventure and intrigue of your first trip to Russia. A country that as a young boy growing up seemed so frightening, mysterious, cold and faceless. Remember those black and white newsfeeds of tanks and ICBM missile carriers clambering through Red Square on Victory Day? Oh man, it scared the bejesus out of me! I have to admit, a real curiosity developed through my growing years. Finally seeing this massive country and its people was part of the attraction of going there the first time. The excitement and awe I experienced during that trip definitely took me off my game. It was one factor that foolishly made me fall for someone that I wouldn't have back in Canada. Perhaps you felt this too? In hindsight I definitely failed the RWD Ten Commandments! But, I learned my lesson.
You seem like a decent man who wears his heart on his sleeve. You're an artist so you think and express your thoughts, dreams and emotions openly.
Two things that I am worried about for you. Firstly, the marriage talk/proposal. Too soon with so many questionables. As recommended, go see 'A' within the next few months with your head back on straight and having had time to reflect on your initial visit. There will be less 'first time' distraction and it will go a long way to dispel or confirm any previous personality negatives she may have shown. Until then, talk talk talk and more talk. Observe her moods, opinions and calling/emailing habits to you. Secondly, I feel you are making up far too many excuses for her behaviour(s). I respect that you are giving her all the benefit of the doubt in the world and you probably feel you have to defend her to us RWD members. Try and make sure that what you are defending is genuine. I was married to a woman that I constantly make up excuses for her strange behaviour, indifference and rudeness to my friends and family. It took me ten years to admit that it was her that was wrong, not them, even though I always knew it....
At the same time, keep an open mind and support her through her Dad's sickness. Your strength will impress her. This will go a long way towards her becoming more secure in her feelings towards you. With the insecurity gone, so might the moods.
Good Luck and Good TR!
 

[Sculpto]

You guys are giving good advice. 

I have talked with "A" every day, usually twice, since I have gotten back.  Her position on things has not changed.  This morning we had a good talk because for once I did not catch her on the way out the door or on the Metro.

I told her I want to come see her again and she said, "You crazy Eric, you just here how you can have free time at work so soon"  Then I explained I was thinking not to come this or next month but for her birthday in February and that I wanted to do the planning as far in advance to get the best price for the tickets and to make sure I can have two full weeks free at work.  She said it is a good idea and has a call scheduled with her Mom tomorrow and they will discuss the details, whether we are to meet in Tomsk or her Mother will come to Moscow. 

Siberia in February... even Moscow in February.. someone kick me please. 

She finally did ask me for a gift.. a "typical" San Francisco Dolly for her Mom.. "not very expensive.. just a little dolly for collection of Mom".  Now of course finding such a doll will be a bit more challenging than she realizes since most such "not very expensive" things of this type are made in China.  I will probably have to find somethign handmade and rather expensive LOL.  I will send her a little stuffed seal also..

[Mishenka]

Eric, I made my first two trips to Moscow during January/February  in 99 and 2001 we saw daily temps of -15 and-17 with ice, snow, blizzards. Most your time will be spent in the flat and in Metro, and remember I still have my sheep skin coat if you need it. you will be sweating most the time even out in snow at -17.  Plus its a great cushion if you were to slip on your butt on the way down the steps to catch the Metro.  It saved mine a few times.

I hope I can make it during Russian Christmas, Jan 7th or so. maybe even New Years If I am lucky.  There are all kids of deals to Moscow in the $600+ range now. Winter is cheapest time to fly.  Winter in Moscow is treacherous but beautiful,
Mishenka

[Sculpto]

Mishenka.. where are you seeing $600 deals?  Delta.com is showing the same 1200 bucks round trip I just had...

[UTRO]

Oooh Baby! You guys haven't seen a Real Russian Winter until you have traveled East and North of Moscow!! Yer' in for a real treat Sculpto!!! Tomsk,   (teeth rattling), Cooey! Well, perhaps now is the time for you to read up on the art of Snow/Ice Scupt(o)ing?!?
Good to hear that things are going well with you and Miss 'A'! Also great to see you are being proactive on planning your next visit. I'm sure she is delighted with your confidence and ability make a decision for the two of you. RW love this character. Most seek a man who will listen, and respect their ideas and opinions, yet isn't afraid be a decision maker. This shows strength and leadership without being disrespectful