Ways my wife can meet new friends (especially RW) after arrival in America

[Journeyman]

I would appreciate suggestions about how my wife could meet new friends -- now that she has arrived in America.  She has lived in the US only about 4 months now.  Her initial adjustment was very difficult, but she (and we) seem to have survived it.  She is doing OK now.  However, she is very much missing contact with Ukrainian/Russian speaking women (as friends or acquaintances) -- which is very understandable. 

I have told her that I will help her as I can to establish a new social network here in the US (in our city), and am now trying to find the best way(s) to do so.  She says that she thinks it best to find Ukrainian or Russian women acquaintances, as she is not yet confident about her English language skills, nor how to relate to Americans.  We have discussed the idea that neither common language nor common culture are the best bases upon which to seek or build a friendship.  However, she would like to try that first, as opposed to meeting American people.  I am concerned about her perspective on that, but will help her as I can to meet good people, no matter what their language or culture.  I would imagine that this general topic has been addressed on this and other discussion boards before, but I don't spend much time here (and never on other boards) to know myself.  Here is what I have done so far:

I looked at the local groups on this board, and see that our city is not listed.

I have looked at "meetup" and it also appears to offer nothing helpful.  I did see several "Russian Ex-pat" connections, but they seemed to be populated mostly by Russian men, and my wife would prefer to meet women (in which I concur, of course).

Craigslist did not offer any language/cultural based groups with which she could connect.

I have identified a local Ukrainian/Russian cultural organization, but its orientation does not seem to be social in nature, nor even lend itself to socializing.

There are two local Russian grocery markets in town, but she hasn't been anxious to go there, being pessimistic that she will actually find any connections there (although I think she might be wrong about that).

I have offered to bring her to one or more local Ukrainian Orthodox churches in our area to see if she could meet people there.  She is not religious, however, and was not inclined to pursue that route.

She has asked me to post our profile as a couple on the internet to see if a married Ukrainian/Russian woman might respond (thinking that she would first like to meet similarly situated people), but I am a bit wary of that approach.

She has talked with me about visiting Ukraine again this year for a 3 months stay to re-connect with her family and friends and sort of "re-charge" socially.

I did get satellite Russian TV for her to watch, but she needs people, of course.

Could you please offer your suggestions about what you or your Ukrainian/Russian wife might have found useful in connecting with new acquaintances in the USA?

Thank you.

Journeyman 

[tfcrew]

There are two local Russian grocery markets in town, but she hasn't been anxious to go there, being pessimistic that she will actually find any connections there (although I think she might be wrong about that).

Yeah go there. She might miss that Russian food...
Didn't see what city you're in, but usually they will find friends

[Blues Fairy]

Does she have a hobby?

I've met some pretty cool people through my live music/recording networking here (club jams, myspace etc).  Real true friends are, however, harder to find. 

[Gator]

Network, network, network.

My wife has been in the Tampa area one year and she has a huge number of RW/UW friends.  To distinguish I have to use terms such as Olga the Dentist vs. Olga the Hairdresser, or Younger Natasha vs. Older Natasha.

She came here knowing no one, and was able to contact a couple RW in the area who participated in one of those popular Russian speaking internet  She met another in her English class.  I intoduced her to a RW dentist.  A golfing buddy knew a friend who is married to a UW.  Etc. 

Soon she was into a social circle of more than 250 RW in the Tampa area who meet monthly without men and take over a restaurant.

And those are just her RW friends.  She also has a growing network of Latin women friends.  Her AW friends are few but good ones.

The only problem I see is that this does not facilitate her adjustment to the American culture.

[Vaughn]

Like Gator's wife, my Elvira has an extensive network of Russian/Ukrainian acquaintances, with a dozen
or so ladies she considers the closest of friends. For her, it all began with our daughter befriending a
girl in 8th grade. Meeting her mother was a mere eventuality. Through her, Elvira met maybe two or
three more women. Trips to our local Russian grocery bore some fruit, but the dam really burst when
we were invited to a AM/MW (Moldovan Woman)-hosted New Year's Party. It was there that we latched
onto five or six couples who've remained at the core of our social circle. Subsequent events, like picnics
and parties for various reasons (or none at all) add to the numbers. There comes a point when you no
longer have to exert any effort - the making of new contacts comes quite naturally...

At the four month point, Elvira still had just a few new friends. I've a feeling your own dam will break
soon should you continue to pursue avenues that meet your mutual needs.

This is not criticism, Journeyman, but I cannot help but notice that despite the substance of this thread
you've failed (either purposely or not) to reveal just where it is you two reside. Regardless, if there are
two Russian stores in your city or town - I would pay close attention to the bulletin board therein. All
ethnic stores seem to have them, and in many they are the lifeblood of the community - with business
cards, announcements and opportunities prominently posted. Make it a point to visit there if possible at
10:00 AM on any Saturday morning. That's when our three stores bustle and you might even have to get
on line to check out.

[JR]

Google this: "your town/county name + Russian."

Put her shoes on. If you were in her country you'd naturally gravitate towards any fellow countrymen you could find. That is all she is doing.

Go the the two markets yourself. Ask them when the busiest times are for them then just take your wife there at those times. Also ask for any local Russian Language newspapers, buy them and take them home. Together you may find events or get-togethers. Look for a local Orthodox church.

Take the initative. The adjustment can be a real bitch.

[pitbull]

Hi Journeyman,

One of the ways to meet FSU women in your area would be for your wife to join one of the RW-abroad internet forums. I would recommend the russian-fiancee.com. There is a special section on that board for RW from different locations to meet each other. I personally met several great people through that one.

[Doll]

http://www.russian-fiancee.com/rus/forum/index.php

[Ooooops]

All Russian friends I made overseas I've met on Russian forums originally.    There are lots of them, if you'd like I can give you some addresses.    But I don't need too many friends, Russian or non-Russian, so it's easier for me, I guess.       I have no idea what would I do with 200 hundred of them!   

[Ooooops]

The only problem I see is that this does not facilitate her adjustment to the American culture.

Husbands to the rescue!        Most of the time my Russian speaking circle overseas is pretty small and doesn't overtake English speaking circle that we share with my husband.    Plus, most of those Russians have been living overseas for quite a long time as well, so they are already adjusted into foreign culture and our meeting are more nostalgic ones like "going down the memory lane"   

[kievstar]

What city are you in?  That may help on specific places you can go. 

Certain areas of the country have a high percentage of RW - Florida is one that is growing. 

[ambach123]

The statement that concerned me was that she wants to go back for three months.

I assume that you are married, since she has been here for four months.

It is unlikely that a happy new bride would be thinking of going back for such extended period of time.

She may be unhappy for a number of reasons, social isolation may be one of them.

Usually the Ukrainian Churches have social gatherings, many who attend the services may not be very religious.

[KenC]

Journeyman,
The Russian markets here have big bulletin boards with ads for Russian concerts and other Russian social events.  They usually have some local Russian newspapers too.  You might want to take a look and see of the ones in your area have them too.

I hate to tell you this, but it takes years and years for RW to become truly acclimated to living here.  IMO the social isolation is the #1 hurdle and the most difficult to overcome.  It is difficult to replace the social network she had at home.

Three months seems a little excessive to me.
 Good luck.
KenC

[ECOCKS]

I wouldn't go out of my way to find an FSU community for her.

My advice is for her to look for small groups that are in some special interest area. Taking lessons at a local community college or university is another thought. If she is active in a church look into their small group programs and consider any volunteer organizations in the area.

 

[Journeyman]

Thank you, everybody for your helpful ideas.  It has been 24 hours since my original post, and I would like to jump back in now.

The ideas that seemed to appeal most to my wife now are (1) to try the Russian market (I explained the possible bulletin boards to her) and (2) the RW forum on www.russian-fiancee.com -- which she looked at last night and liked a lot.

Unfortunately, she doesn't really have any hobbies, which, I agree, would be a good focus for her time, and through which she could possibly meet like-minded people, regardless of her language and cultural orientation.  I will continue to work on that idea, however.

It would seem that some mens' wives have been able to establish social networks very quickly, and others not so quickly.  Perhaps some of that is dependent upon both the social orientation of the wife, as well as the opportunities for socializing locally in the new city.

I had already Google a lot of different search terms to find various things, and will continue to do so.

I did not list my city as I was concerned that I should not in any way cause people here to feel obligated to offer more than ideas.  Maybe I was overly concerned.   We are in Arizona.

BTW, nobody should be concerned about the 3 month stay for my wife in Ukraine.  She asked for 2 months, and I suggested 3, as I could see that she needed 2 months to attend to a long list of things.  I also figured that she would not only get bored by a stay extending into a third month, but possibly also start feeling the unpleasantness of the daily grind that she used to endure back there.  She might even miss me a little.  That might just give her a little better feeling about making the best out of her new life in America.  You can't replace "home", but you can adjust to something new if you realize that you really want to do so.  I will also be traveling to visit her and her family in Ukraine for the last 10 days of her stay there, so it isn't a full 3 months of separation triggered in her by terrible homesickness or extreme loneliness, etc.  It's only been four months, and we have managed through most of the early transitional shocks (which apply to both of us).  However, thank you for being appropriately concerned, as that ("three months" ?!?!?! issue) would also have been my reaction if I did not know about a range of other factors involved.   She and I have known each other nearly 5 years (married 2+ years), and we have survived much longer separations than 3 months along the way.

Thanks again for all your helpful ideas.  Perhaps the ladies will see my wife soon on the russian-fiancee web site. 

One more request for information.  My wife is especially looking for a source of films that could provide American (Hollywood) or European-made films with Russian dubbing (soundtrack).  I have a subscription for her to a Russian language package on DirecTV (satellite), but those channels (Channel 1, Dom Kino, RTR Planeta, and others) mostly offer Russian-made films, and many of those are dating way back to Soviet times (many of which she has already seen many times already).  So, I am looking for perhaps another satellite connection.  Unfortunately, I see that the films programmed on the various channels on the Dish Network are similar to those on DirecTV -- mostly Russian-made films, rather than American-made or European-made.  Does anybody know an alternative satellite source, or is it best to just try to rent such movies via RusKniga, or a similar DVD source?  Moscowflix?  I see that RussArt has only Russian-made films to rent.

Thanks again.

Journeyman

[KenC]

Journeyman,
I have Time Warner cable and occasionally they have a current Russian movie on their "movies on demand" channel.  Saw a great Russian movie titled "the Italian" about a Russian orphan boy hoping to get adopted by an Italian couple.  Like many Russian movies, it was a tear jerker.

It is unclear to me if this is your wife's first trip back to Ukraine, but the first trip back is usually an eye opener for them.  A little flashback to their Ukrainian realities usually puts their new life in proper perspective.
KenC

[Aloe]

www.torrents.ru for movies 

[GoodOlBoy]

It is unlikely that a happy new bride would be thinking of going back for such extended period of time.

More "words of wisdom" from the village idiot ! 


GOB

[Journeyman]

Journeyman,
I have Time Warner cable and occasionally they have a current Russian movie on their "movies on demand" channel.  Saw a great Russian movie titled "the Italian" about a Russian orphan boy hoping to get adopted by an Italian couple.  Like many Russian movies, it was a tear jerker.

It is unclear to me if this is your wife's first trip back to Ukraine, but the first trip back is usually an eye opener for them.  A little flashback to their Ukrainian realities usually puts their new life in proper perspective.
KenC

KenC,

I am a little befuddled as to why my wife refuses to watch Russian-made movies, as I have also found them to be very moving (the few that I have seen).  However, it is her choice.

Regarding her trip back to Ukraine, yes, this will be her first.  As you noted, I have also heard others (both AM and RW) say that their (RWs') trips (usually their first) back to Ukraine (or other FSU countries) was a turning point in their lives -- prompting them to resolve some of their tentativeness and emotions regarding both their old life (in the FSU) and new life elsewhere. 

For example, I have often heard RW saying (after again returning to the west after a visit in the FSU) how much they noticed the permanent "scowls" on peoples' faces in the FSU cities where they have returned to visit (usually family), as well as the less than congenial sales clerks in most stores.  In the US, my wife has taken great pleasure in being able to buy something (e.g., a dress) at a US store AND THEN being able to later RETURN it to the store for a refund without any problems.  She is continually shocked and pleased by the experience here, and recites for me each time what WOULD HAVE BEEN her aggravating and contentious experience in Ukraine had she attempted a return of merchandise there.

My wife is already aware of the evolving social conditions in Ukraine -- as a result of the economic turmoil (10% contraction in the economy and the resulting job losses; 20%+ inflation; extended prohibitions on withdrawls of bank deposits, etc.).  She continues to get week-by-week updates by her family.  The one thing that I am most concerned about regarding her extended visit there is the increasing crime rate. 

My wife says that social conditions (crime, in particular) seem to be heading in the same direction that they were back in the mid 1990's.  According to her, the Mafia, increasing lawlessness, social malaise and trepidation that stepped in before and during Kuchma's first term (1994 to 1999) seems to now be returning.  My wife states that at least 80% of the Ukrainian population would now prefer to return to the days of communism.  She predicts a Yanakovich victory in the upcoming election, though she also understand that he is not much more than a thug in a suit.  She would often mock his comical attempts to speak Ukrainian (though it is now much improved, she admits).  She says that people are once again reluctant to go outside at night, and there are statements made by the local TV news reporters urging the people to be vigilant.

Again, yes, it will be interesting to see how the visit affects her.

Journeyman

[Journeyman]

www.torrents.ru for movies 

Aloe,
 
Thank you.  This site looks interesting in a number of ways, and I will bring it to my wife's attention.

Journeyman

[KievHarmony]

For us, it was little networking from me.... the more easy was for my wife to meet my neighbor's  wife, she is Ukrainian too. After that, each time someone was talking about learning russian or something related, I asked question, finally, my wife is now in contact with 3 women who have themselves other connections to other russian speaking people. Networking is the solution.

[Ooooops]

About the movies - every Russian store I've been to had DVD's for rent.   Some of them are American movies with Russian subtitles I think.   May be you can try that source as well.   

[Chicagoguy]

I was worried about my fiance finding Russian speaking people so I just started asking everyone I knew if they knew any. And within 2 weeks of her arrival we found three couples within 2 miles.

Of course there are many Russian speaking people here in Chicago [ est. 140,000 Russians alone ] but most of them have gravitated to about 1 hour North of me.

I don't understand her reluctance to check out the Church. If her desire is strong enough this should be a small sacrifice. She doesn't need to join. And here in Chicago it wouldn't pay to be antisemitic as over 90 % of Russians have a Jewish heritage.

Stores are also logical as well as Universities and ESL.

[groovlstk]

My wife faced these very same issues in the first months after her arrival, and like some others here used RF.com to make friends.

Her initial adjustment is a very difficult time. In the past I've seen guys recommend that others forbid their wives from making Russian friends (usually on the grounds that it will slow her assimilation, but scratch the surface and I see panicky control freaks nervous about being unable to understand their wives as they talk w/friends, or guys who are so insecure that they see friends as a threat to their relationships). Another group of losers forbid their wives from watching Russian language movies, again under the auspices of forcing her to learn English as quickly as possible.

My wife just returned from two weeks in Moscow and this time (her 2nd trip home in 2 1/2 years here) one of the things she missed while in Moscow was her Russian and Ukrainian friends living in our community.

Just my opinion, but having a group of friends in your local area (not the friends you hand-picked for her or wives of your buddies) is another little island of stability that will make her feel more at home than any hobbies or practical steps at "forced assimilation" can provide.

[Maxx2]

In the past I've seen guys recommend that others forbid their wives from making Russian friends

A wife with true intentions will avoid those in the Russian community who are divisive and out for only green cards. She should want to include you in with her new social group. If her friends avoid you or quickly leave when they meet you time after time this is a red flag. The red flag is on them and possibly on your wife if she is using them as a stepping stone or a fallback by falsely painting a picture of your marriage that is not flattering. Of course people in ethnic groups can feel that one should stay within their own kind just like many/most Americans feel.

KievHarmony, did you see the video I posted below? I talked with all the men in this a few years ago. What they claimed was a woman named Olga used Russian Ukrainian social groups to find AM/RW couples and break them up. I have heard variances of this through out America. Something to keep in mind.

My recommendation is let her seek out her own friends and see what happens. If trouble happens it would have happened anyway.


Maxx