What to if your Russian wife says she wants a divorce?

[BillR]

This kind of stuff is what really scares me.  While it's true that we have only heard one side of the story, I really wonder what kind of person this RW is.  They have a child together.  Everyone here knows the claim, from some people, that RWs just want to marry someone to get citizenship in what they think is a better country.  Maybe that is not the case here.  But it is enough to scare me off.  I don't want to go through another divorce.  It would be a lot cheaper to divorce an American woman, because they are cheaper to meet.

[Gator]

It would be a lot cheaper to divorce an American woman, because they are cheaper to meet. 

 :noidea:

Maybe you should not marry.  Marriage is  not for everyone, and there is nothing wrong with that.  Serial girlfriends has many good moments. 

If you want children, that is another issue and one for which marriage is best intended.  That is what is sad about Universeisours and his predicament.

[Ooooops]

Actually, I know about two cases when Father was able to get full custody of a child and send Mother back to Russia alone.   Both Russians on H1-H4 visas.   Breaks my heart just to think about such scenario...   

[jdk1963]

In my experience (which is limited I admit) couples go for counseling when their marriage is in trouble and most of them realize through this process that divorce is the best outcome for them

In my experience the wife recommends marriage counseling because she thinks that the marriage counselor will jump to her defense and suggest the divorce she wants.  When the marriage counselor does not the soon to be ex-wife quits marriage counseling because it isn't "working".

[BillR]

:noidea:

Maybe you should not marry.  Marriage is  not for everyone, and there is nothing wrong with that.  Serial girlfriends has many good moments. 

If you want children, that is another issue and one for which marriage is best intended.  That is what is sad about Universeisours and his predicament.

Marriage and children are a great thing.  But if RW or UW place no more importance on marriage vows than American women, then what's the point of looking for a foreign wife?  I want someone with the same values as I have.  Again, I recognize we are only hearing from the husband.  Divorce is just too easy to get.  Anything worthwhile is worth working at.  Good marriages just don't automatically happen.  It takes both wanting it to work.  And as others have noted, too bad for the child.  Especially if she learns bad values from one or both parents.

[Ronnie]

Marriage and children are a great thing.  But if RW or UW place no more importance on marriage vows than American women, then what's the point of looking for a foreign wife?  I want someone with the same values as I have.  Again, I recognize we are only hearing from the husband.  Divorce is just too easy to get.  Anything worthwhile is worth working at.  Good marriages just don't automatically happen.  It takes both wanting it to work.  And as others have noted, too bad for the child.  Especially if she learns bad values from one or both parents.

Anyone thinking that FSUW are better wives than AW, they will be sorely mistaken.  They can be some of the best and some of the worst.  In fact, let me suggest that the range of quality might be greater with FSUW than with AW.   Heck, I'll even go so far as to say the same about the FSUM vs AM.

I think a young AM makes a mistake to take a foreign bride as his first wife.  He will always wonder if the problems in the marriage are the result of the culture/language differences or just the normal problems every couple faces.  Later in life (post divorce from AW), he can appreciate the differences for what they are and are not.

[JR]

I think a young AM makes a mistake to take a foreign bride as his first wife. 

Yeah, he should make her his ONLY wife

[Shadow]

I think a young AM makes a mistake to take a foreign bride as his first wife.  He will always wonder if the problems in the marriage are the result of the culture/language differences or just the normal problems every couple faces.  Later in life (post divorce from AW), he can appreciate the differences for what they are and are not.

Your traditional values never cease to astound me. 

[Ronnie]

Your traditional values never cease to astound me. 

I'm not sure what this means.  Some form of ridicule I guess.  So I'm a hypocrite for acknowledging divorce as a reality of life?  So be it.  Me being perceived as a hypocrite doesn't change the sanctity of marriage.  I've never claimed ownership of things that were true for thousands of years.  I just believe in them. 

[Aloe]

I think a young AM makes a mistake to take a foreign bride as his first wife.  He will always wonder if the problems in the marriage are the result of the culture/language differences or just the normal problems every couple faces.  Later in life (post divorce from AW), he can appreciate the differences for what they are and are not.

So you are saying that marrying a foreign woman for your first marriage is a mistake. I see those words as something that would NEVER come out of a mouth of a person with traditional family values. For 2 reasons.
1. You are saying "first wife". When 2 people marry, those with traditional values assume it's not "first" wife", but a wife for life. Who is to say that that marriage won't last till death do them apart? Yet you claim it's a "mistake".
2. You are saying marrying someone (no matter who) is a mistake, is that traditional in your understanding

[Shadow]

I'm not sure what this means.  Some form of ridicule I guess.  So I'm a hypocrite for acknowledging divorce as a reality of life?  So be it.  Me being perceived as a hypocrite doesn't change the sanctity of marriage.  I've never claimed ownership of things that were true for thousands of years.  I just believe in them. 

Aloe has already explained what I meant. I just want to add that I think its extremely poor advice to tell somene to marry a local woman for some years, divorce her and then find a life partner elsewhere.
If you go in to marriage, you should go in to it with at least the intention to make it last until death.  That there are circumstances that can lead to divorce is something I have no problem with. But going in to a marriage to 'get experience' is.

[Ronnie]

Okay. I should have said, one might be wise not to consider choosing a foreign spouse if one has not had the experience of marriage with a person from your own country.

[Shadow]

Okay. I should have said, one might be wise not to consider choosing a foreign spouse if one has not had the experience of marriage with a person from your own country.

Its the same thing. Why do you believe that foreign spouses are only good as second (or third/fourth/fifth etc ) marriage ?

Lets make it clear I do not think it is a good idea that if someone has never dated a local woman they should run to some foreign country and mary the first woman who will agree.
But if, during a normal process of finding a partner, the most compatible one is found abroad it seems ludicrous to say that it is not wise to marry a foreign spouse in a first marriage.

[KenC]

Shadow,
I don't think Ronnie meant to advise guys to have a "first marriage" with an AW to ready himself for marriage to a RW.  (At least that's not how I understood him)  It is just that men that have already experienced marriage to a local gal will be more aware of the difficulties of marriage in general.  This experience will prepare him better for the additional difficulties that come with an international marriage.

I happen to agree with this idea and would even take it a bit further to say that the same is true for the RW.  Experience in being married to a local man can only help prepare her for marriage with a foreign man.  I know that personally, I would never consider entering into a marriage with any woman that has not yet experienced being married again.  Some people never adapt to marriage ever.  I would only consider a woman that has already endured a marriage for at least a few years before.  Someone that understands the division of responsibilities and other concessions required in blending their lives with another.
KenC

[Blues Fairy]

Okay. I should have said, one might be wise not to consider choosing a foreign spouse if one has not had the experience of marriage with a person from your own country.

Long-term relationships don't count?

And why so much fuss about the foreignness of the spouse?  Some foreigners will understand you better than local women, be they first or second or n-th wife.  Just spend enough time with them prior to marrying.

[Shadow]

KenC, I would agree that someone who has experienced marriage should consider someone who has at least experience of a long relationship living together (as in Europe marriage is not always necessary).
However is one has not yet marriage experience, I see no point in 'having' to marry a local woman when one can not find local women with mutual attraction.
Being one of the guys who found his first (and still convinced only) wife abroad, I looked for women with no prior marriage experience, for the same reason you would look for divorced women.

[I/O]

But if RW or UW place no more importance on marriage vows than American women, then what's the point of looking for a foreign wife? 

I agree and if you think they do place more importance (In General) on those vows than their western sisters, I suggest you're misguided. Levels of divorce in Russia seem to speak to that.

I want someone with the same values as I have.

Over distance, over age, over culture, over language, over and over. Tough ask. Better have patience or luck.

I/O

[HiTech]

Okay. I should have said, one might be wise not to consider choosing a foreign spouse if one has not had the experience of marriage with a person from your own country.

If I understand correctly you are saying you must know how to fail before taking the jump to possibly fail ?

Or to put it another way, it is best to fail at home first , so you will not fail over seas?

Hmm some reason this does not make sense to me.

I am not sure which way the stats fall, but my guess would be 2nd marriages fail more then first marriages. So your logic would be backwards.

HiTech

[kievstar]

Second marriages will most likely fail if a man or woman does not learn from previous mistakes.  I have yet to see one divorce where both were not at fault for failure.  This goes for the divorces on RWD.

Couple things:

The probability of second marriage disruption is higher for women who did not grow up in a two-parent
family (49%) than for women who did (33%).

Women who have ever been forced to have intercourse are more likely to experience second marriage
disruption. The probability of second marriage disruption is about 25% higher for all women who have ever
been forced to have intercourse, and even higher among white women (33%)

General anxiety disorder (GAD)
Women who have ever suffered from GAD (general anxiety disorder) are nearly 50% more likely to
experience disruption of a second marriage than women who have never suffered from GAD

Women who already have children at the time of remarriage are more likely to have their second marriage
end in divorce than women who do not have any children at the time of remarriage.
If the children were unwanted, the probability of the second marriage ending is even higher
After 10 years of remarriage, the probability of that marriage ending is
• 32% for women with no children at remarriage
• 40% for women with children, but none of whom were reported as unwanted
• 44% for women with children, and any of whom were reported as unwanted
• (slightly higher, at 47 percent, among white women)

[Gator]

Okay. I should have said, one might be wise not to consider choosing a foreign spouse if one has not had the experience of marriage with a person from your own country.

Better, Ronnie, because some history with marriage would give some clues about what to expect in a new marriage and what should be done differently.  Nevertheless, Shadow has a valid point.

There are too many variables and qualifiers to draw a blanket conclusion.  One of the reasons for a divorce could be that the man is controlling, obstinate and demanding.  If so, marrying a RW would not be the answer.

Each of us must evaluate everything at play and hopefully make a wise decision that indeed is the path to happiness.  What works for one man (or woman) may fail for the next.

[KenC]

I looked for women with no prior marriage experience, for the same reason you would look for divorced women.

Shadow,
I do not understand this statement.  Can you please explain?

My take on women never before married or never in a "live in" relationship is if they are young, they may or may not ever adapt to "married life."  While an older woman that never married brings up the question of what might be wrong with her that no one ever wanted to marry her? 

Of course these same concerns could be applied to men.  Maybe even more so when you factor in the "MOB mentality" of a middle aged man that had never married and is now seeking a foreign bride.  The RW should wonder why no local woman ever jumped at the prize before.
KenC

[mies]

I have not noticed that OP has expressed desire to "keep" his daughter. He just said that wife most likely will take daughter with her. And this can be interpreted in any way.
Most of contributors started giving him advices how to "take" his daughter, and "protect her" from her mom. Looks like they aren't thinking of child interests and only want "after breakup - get as much from your wife as you can and try to give her nothing. She should walk from you stripped (financially as well) and barefoot".


Sorry if I missed it in the text. How old is the Universeisours? and how old is his wife?

If the husband is around 60, and wife is ... let's say 27 - who will be more capable to provide their time and attention to a child? To play and run with the child? To answer zillions of child's questions?
Now, I don't know that answer to this question - it is believed in RUssia that grandparents are usually much more loving than parents - because they are mature and experienced. A 50-60yo man would qualify for a "grandparent" in Russia - hence he would most likely be more loving. On the other hand - grandparents don't spend 100% of their time with the child. And they often complain of getting tired faster from child's activity.

[Shadow]

Shadow,
I do not understand this statement.  Can you please explain?

My take on women never before married or never in a "live in" relationship is if they are young, they may or may not ever adapt to "married life."  While an older woman that never married brings up the question of what might be wrong with her that no one ever wanted to marry her? 

Of course these same concerns could be applied to men.  Maybe even more so when you factor in the "MOB mentality" of a middle aged man that had never married and is now seeking a foreign bride.  The RW should wonder why no local woman ever jumped at the prize before.
KenC

KenC the bottom line is that some people have seen too many failed marriages around them and decide not to take the step until they are sure. This goes for both men and women, and sometimes they happen to meet.

What I meant is that I fully understand that a man who has gone through marriage and divorce will prefer a partner that also has experienced similar events, so both know about the responsibilities of marriage, and have hopefully learnt from their mistakes.
Similarly a man who has no experience in marriage might look for a woman who has none as well, so that they will start on an even level.

For a middle aged man who has been living a free life and decides he needs a family, the easy way out would be to marry a (divorced) woman with child, solving all of his problems at once. But it would also throw him in to the deep before knowing if he can swim.

[Journeyman]

Second marriages will most likely fail if a man or woman does not learn from previous mistakes.  I have yet to see one divorce where both were not at fault for failure.  This goes for the divorces on RWD.

Couple things:

The probability of second marriage disruption is higher for women who did not grow up in a two-parent
family (49%) than for women who did (33%).

Women who have ever been forced to have intercourse are more likely to experience second marriage
disruption. The probability of second marriage disruption is about 25% higher for all women who have ever
been forced to have intercourse, and even higher among white women (33%)

General anxiety disorder (GAD)
Women who have ever suffered from GAD (general anxiety disorder) are nearly 50% more likely to
experience disruption of a second marriage than women who have never suffered from GAD

Women who already have children at the time of remarriage are more likely to have their second marriage
end in divorce than women who do not have any children at the time of remarriage.
If the children were unwanted, the probability of the second marriage ending is even higher
After 10 years of remarriage, the probability of that marriage ending is
• 32% for women with no children at remarriage
• 40% for women with children, but none of whom were reported as unwanted
• 44% for women with children, and any of whom were reported as unwanted
• (slightly higher, at 47 percent, among white women)

Kievstar,

You quote some very interesting statistics.  I am not in any position to debate them (and would be inclined to support them on first glance), but I would also be very interested in your source. 

Those factors can DEFINITELY play a role in the course of a mariage, as I would agree that the potential impact can be very significant.  I would also imagine that many who post here learned a LOT about their wife (or husband) AFTER they got married -- things (possibly in the categories you cited) that they wished they had learned before they were married.

Could you share your source for those interesting statistics?  Thank you.

Journeyman

[JR]

What I meant is that I fully understand that a man who has gone through marriage and divorce will prefer a partner that also has experienced similar events, so both know about the responsibilities of marriage, and have hopefully learnt from their mistakes.
 

That is exactly how I see it. I think there is a certain amount of learning/experience you take away from a divorce. And hopefully you learn a lot about yourself and make corrections where they need to be made. I feel that a divorced woman has seen the difficulties of marriage and isn't dreaming about Prince Charming but instead looking for a real, honest and working relationship.

Divorce is not one of my criteria but I almost view it as a positive.