I must be a magnet

[JamesDH]

Ok one came here and we didn't hit it off so I went back for more.

This woman and I have been emailing thru the service for about a month. Recently we've started emailing on private emails. It goes like this. She gets home from work, gets everything sorted then gets on the computer around 9pm her time and we email back and forth till about 1am her time.

As you can imagine things were frustrating using those online translators.. well we worked thru that and learned to get our point across.
Any way... Our conversations have progressed to being somewhat romantic.
Then today she got quiet. I asked what's up and she said
"СТРАХ и растерянность" which translated to fear and confusion.

Of course I asked what she was afraid of.
She said.

Too fast. it's going too quickly.
Все происходит очень быстро.
Удивительно!
 
Я когда-то ТЕБЯ придумала в моем уме
Ты настоящий?

I took it to mean it's like a dream. (or nightmare!!)

I replied that "we are just talking right now."

After a long silence where I thought she had fallen asleep I get this reply.

Я хочу Тебе рассказать историю о себе и Ты решишь - хочешь ли ты сюда приехать или нет.
 
Я вышла замуж в 27 лет. В нашей стране девушки стараются выйти замуж очень рано (что бы все успеть - ребенок, семья, развод). Такой ход событий происходит практически постоянно.
Я не хотеля рано выходить замуж. Я искала подобного себе - "волшебника". Я долго искала. И думала, что нашла. Он был старше меня на 14 лет. Казалось бы...
и умный, и хорош собой, и на много лет старше меня, и сделал карьеру. Но он хотел, чтобы я была домашней, удобной вещью. Он не разрешал мне общаться с моими родными, получить высшее образование, ликвидировал моих друзей. Я могла общаться только с его родственниками и его друзьями. Я очень долго терпела.
А потом ушла. И началась война за сына. Эта война продолжается до сих пор.
Я очень разочаровалась в мужчинах.
Я поверить не могла, что моя интуиция меня подвела.
И я начала мечтать.
И придумала тебя.
Если ты - "волшебник", то приезжай.
Я буду тебе очень рада.

Which I translated as basically "I've been ruined and need help mentally", "if you are my kngiht in shining armor (or magician) then come visit me"
Note: We hardly talked about visiting as I wanted to get more acquainted with her before I go charging off to another country. I have however reassured her that I would have no problems coming to visit her.

I'm thinking "oh no not again" because three years ago I got involved with a woman here in Houston. She had been abused by her ex and had a lot of pent up issues that didn't surface until almost a year after we started dating. Then the flood gates were opened. It was horrible.

Then about 8 months ago I started talking to one woman from Match.com. We had plenty in common and enjoyed some great conversation. After being around her a little I got the distinct feeling she hated men. Everything was "Men!!" "it's all men's fault". Well come to find out she had been abused as well. Time to head out.
Both were a waste of time and really did a number on my self confidence.

I don't want a repeat of that scenario and definitely don't want to travel half way around the world to experience it again.

What am I a magnet for women in need of therapy??

I don't want to give up on the woman just yet.
I get the feeling that she is as new at this as I am.

If I had gotten a letter like that from someone in the US I would think "she's trying to push me away to see what I'll do" and she want's someone to chase after her, romance her and sweep her off her feet.
I don't feel I know enough about her to charge in, damn the torpedoes and rescue her form the tower. (sounds exciting tho)

Thoughts from people more familiar with the Russian psyche than I?

[gemini]

Ok one came here and we didn't hit it off so I went back for more.

This woman and I have been emailing thru the service for about a month. Recently we've started emailing on private emails. It goes like this. She gets home from work, gets everything sorted then gets on the computer around 9pm her time and we email back and forth till about 1am her time.

As you can imagine things were frustrating using those online translators.. well we worked thru that and learned to get our point across.
Any way... Our conversations have progressed to being somewhat romantic.
Then today she got quiet. I asked what's up and she said
"СТРАХ и растерянность" which translated to fear and confusion.

Of course I asked what she was afraid of.
She said.

Too fast. it's going too quickly.
Все происходит очень быстро.
Удивительно!
 
Я когда-то ТЕБЯ придумала в моем уме
Ты настоящий?

I took it to mean it's like a dream. (or nightmare!!)

I replied that "we are just talking right now."

After a long silence where I thought she had fallen asleep I get this reply.

Я хочу Тебе рассказать историю о себе и Ты решишь - хочешь ли ты сюда приехать или нет.
 
Я вышла замуж в 27 лет. В нашей стране девушки стараются выйти замуж очень рано (что бы все успеть - ребенок, семья, развод). Такой ход событий происходит практически постоянно.
Я не хотеля рано выходить замуж. Я искала подобного себе - "волшебника". Я долго искала. И думала, что нашла. Он был старше меня на 14 лет. Казалось бы...
и умный, и хорош собой, и на много лет старше меня, и сделал карьеру. Но он хотел, чтобы я была домашней, удобной вещью. Он не разрешал мне общаться с моими родными, получить высшее образование, ликвидировал моих друзей. Я могла общаться только с его родственниками и его друзьями. Я очень долго терпела.
А потом ушла. И началась война за сына. Эта война продолжается до сих пор.
Я очень разочаровалась в мужчинах.
Я поверить не могла, что моя интуиция меня подвела.
И я начала мечтать.
И придумала тебя.
Если ты - "волшебник", то приезжай.
Я буду тебе очень рада.

Which I translated as basically "I've been ruined and need help mentally", "if you are my kngiht in shining armor (or magician) then come visit me"
Note: We hardly talked about visiting as I wanted to get more acquainted with her before I go charging off to another country. I have however reassured her that I would have no problems coming to visit her.

I'm thinking "oh no not again" because three years ago I got involved with a woman here in Houston. She had been abused by her ex and had a lot of pent up issues that didn't surface until almost a year after we started dating. Then the flood gates were opened. It was horrible.

Then about 8 months ago I started talking to one woman from Match.com. We had plenty in common and enjoyed some great conversation. After being around her a little I got the distinct feeling she hated men. Everything was "Men!!" "it's all men's fault". Well come to find out she had been abused as well. Time to head out.
Both were a waste of time and really did a number on my self confidence.

I don't want a repeat of that scenario and definitely don't want to travel half way around the world to experience it again.

What am I a magnet for women in need of therapy??

I don't want to give up on the woman just yet.
I get the feeling that she is as new at this as I am.

If I had gotten a letter like that from someone in the US I would think "she's trying to push me away to see what I'll do" and she want's someone to chase after her, romance her and sweep her off her feet.
I don't feel I know enough about her to charge in, damn the torpedoes and rescue her form the tower. (sounds exciting tho)

Thoughts from people more familiar with the Russian psyche than I?

I don't think there is something wrong with her.
 She has being ruined by her divorce. Who haven't? It takes time to recover.
She doesn't believe you are real and could come. You know 50% of AM that write to RW, never come to Russia.
The only big problem is her child. Her husband may not give his permission for her son to leave the country and  she may never move to US.

[JamesDH]

She has being ruined by her divorce. Who haven't? It takes time to recover.

That is the main point I'm making in a letter I'm composing to her.

She doesn't believe you are real and could come. You know 50% of AM that write to RW, never come to Russia.

I am very real and to travel to Russia is not a big deal. I was not aware that many never got the courage to go.

The only big problem is her child. Her husband may not give his permission for her son to leave the country and  she may never move to US.

Very good point and I need to find that out before I go investing my emotional energy into this. More food for the letter.

Thank you!

[Lily]

James,

The letter in Russian as you posted it is not unusual, and for a native Russian speaker would not mean any mental issues. Pretty normal everyday words from a woman. She just tells her story that is rather usual in Russia, nothing special. By this letter I wouldn't say the woman has any issues. If however she keeps repeating them everyday - then it might show a problem.
 
If you used an online translator in order to translate this letter, you should not wonder at the perverted sence.  :evil:

One little hint about 'Russian soul' - Russians somehow do not tend to conceal the negative things that happens to them. They don't strive to appear as winners all the time. No 'winner' mentality. On the opposite, a 'Russian soul' would be inclined to showing their sufferings. 'Suffering makes saint', this has been a mark of a Russian soul even centuries ago, and then has been sofisticately exploited by Communists.

[Faux Pas]

James,

We all have baggage, EVERYBODY. No matter the woman and no matter where you meet her, somebody else was tired of her sh!t. By the same token, somebody was tired of yours too. 

[Caddydaddy]

James,
as others mentioned, all of us have our history, even most of us are not 20 anymore. From distance I think this woman likes you. Regarding your previous posts I noticed there are some hesitations from your side. She wants you to be her волшебник. If you like her, make her feel special, make her feel she is the one. If your feelings can't do this, better to move on. Just follow your inner voice.

Caddydaddy

[Enot]

Ask her to elaborate on "condition".  I'm sure it's not as bad as you think.  If you give up now, you will never know.  Sounds like a future regret to me.  Stick with it, get the facts, and then make a decision.

What I find strange is that she says it is moving too fast and yet she wants you to come see her???????

[Misha]

А потом ушла. И началась война за сына. Эта война продолжается до сих пор.

She married a man who was 14 years older who was controlling and she left him. Now, she is battling for custody of their son. This, of course, will cause her problems should she find a foreigner IMHO. Given that they are battling for custody, he is not likely to just sign the paperwork to let his ex-wife leave the country with their son.

[JamesDH]

You guys are good.

I calmed down, wrote a nice letter, and the train is back on the tracks going full steam ahead.

What do you Russian ladies give off that makes a man so drawn to you?
I feel like I would swim there to see her if I had to.

[OlgaH]

Я когда-то ТЕБЯ придумала в моем уме
Ты настоящий?

Once I have imagine you in my mind.
Are you real?

JamesDH,

I think a woman tries to apply her imagination about a man-"magician" to you, if she also uses a free online translator she most likely applies her imagination to your words   Therefore everything is happening so fast fore her.  

Yes, we all have baggage, but for some people (usually for some women   ) their baggage turns into a melodramatic leitmotif of their life and a source of imagination.

In such case I think you should ask yourself : are you real man or a "magician"?   Are you ready to take her imagination on your shoulders and deal with it?  

Though her words "I'm disappointed in men" sounds like a typical cliché, there is a big chance for a man to be in the list of her disappointments, if one day a healthy reality of a normal clearheaded man will not fit a woman's imagination.  

[mies]

If I had gotten a letter like that from someone in the US I would think "she's trying to push me away to see what I'll do" and she want's someone to chase after her, romance her and sweep her off her feet.
I don't feel I know enough about her to charge in, damn the torpedoes and rescue her form the tower. (sounds exciting tho)

Thoughts from people more familiar with the Russian psyche than I?

1. why psyche? try to get opinions of someone who at least knows russian language. (or why don't you correspond with women who speak English?)
Telling somebody "I think you are my soul-mate" in order to push him away - that's very unusual method.

2. in my very humble opinion - this woman isn't the very good match for you - you are too simple, direct, down-to-earth man, there is no delicacy in you (or maybe you hide it somewhere deep in closet). This woman is your 100% opposite. Nothing to do with her being damaged.
3. do you think you may need therapy as well? after you've been damaged by two your ex-girlfriends?

[mies]

I don't think there is something wrong with her.
 She has being ruined by her divorce. Who haven't? It takes time to recover.
She doesn't believe you are real and could come. You know 50% of AM that write to RW, never come to Russia.
The only big problem is her child. Her husband may not give his permission for her son to leave the country and  she may never move to US.

this is not what this woman wrote to James. She basically wrote: "Is it real? I had the image of ideal man for me - my soul-mate, and you seem like you are this person. You are true/real - not fake. It is like a miracle that we met and hard to believe. If you are the one - please come over I'll be happy to meet you."

Regarding her divorce - she wrote that she was not rushing into marriage because she wanted to be with the "right guy" - romantic [though romantic isn't exactly the term but the closest equivalent I can find] man. When she married - her husband appeared to be very dominant/controlling and treated her like a "thing"/belonging. He cut her off the world, friends and relatives. She tried to make the marriage work but it didn't. After she divorced she had more conflicts with her husband about the child.

James - you don't look like the person this woman describes as волшебник.
Another valid question you may want to ask this woman - was her ex-husband russian or american?

[Blues Fairy]

If I were a recipient of such a letter I would be intimidated by the challenge to meet all the romantic fantasies and images this woman has built in her head.  She had made him up in her mind before he came along?  She challenges him to be a "magician"?  She tells the man whom she barely knows (no common language!) about her custody battles and her disappointment in men?  Jeez.

She's not insane.  But this letter screams: I'm desperate, come rescue me.  

[mies]

She challenges him to be a "magician"?  She tells the man whom she barely knows (no common language!) about her custody battles and her disappointment in men?  Jeez.

She's not insane.  But this letter screams: I'm desperate, come rescue me.  

the letter screams "i am lonely - I cannot meet the man who will be like me".
She does not challenges him to be a magician. She asks "are you a magician like me?". Basically she believes in miracles, and bright sides, and is jolly and romantic. She writes that she needs a person like her.

[Misha]

She's not insane.  But this letter screams: I'm desperate, come rescue me. 

I agree. One must keep in mind that it is hard to compete with a daydream where you are asked to be a sorcerer.

[mies]

I agree. One must keep in mind that it is hard to compete with a daydream where you are asked to be a sorcerer.

i agree with you Misha

[Blues Fairy]

Basically she believes in miracles, and bright sides, and is jolly and romantic.

Very nice qualities but still a little intimidating if not tempered with a good sense of humor.  No trace of the latter, unfortunately.  

[mies]

world would be a miserable place if everyone would be 100% same. i don't think we are in position to judge the sense of humor of this woman based on this 1 message from her.

[Kuna]

James,

If you'd identified an attractive woman who you've established is genuine, and you share some common interests or goals, then it' s time to book a ticket (IMHO).

You can't go much further than that without running a BIG risk of getting emotionally attached, and you shouldn't be getting attached to someone you've spent no face to face time with.

One would hope you've established some common interests or goals by now.  From what you've written above it's time to cross the pond.

A few thoughts:

- if you're not sure by now, don't wait for things to "improve" because they won't.  The only way they'll appear to improve is if you let your imagination take over.  Imaginations do that - and then you're setting yourself up for disappointment when reality (meeting) doesn't match your imagination;

- don't put too much weight in the correspondence at this stage - translations are sketchy at the best of times unless you use a professional translator (like a member here, Anastasia Ash).  

-  I honestly believe early correspondence is little more than "expressing interest".  The conventional dating equivalent is "glance across the room, introduction and first 15 minutes of chat".  You shouldn't be "moving quickly" at that stage and you shouldn't be talking about marriage plans, etc.  I'm not saying you are but there's only so much you can write about before meeting.  If you've introduced yourselves and had your "15 minutes of chat" - it's time for a date.

- Someone wrote that only 50% of men writing visit.  I doubt that number is true - I suspect it's more like 5%.  Women won't want to write for many months because there are hundreds or thousands of men who write to many women for a LONG time and NEVER visit.  My wife was listed on a dating site for a short while before giving up.  The pure number of flaky, weird, crude, desperate she got turned her off.  Thankfully I had a catchy subject line in mine that caught her attention - still, it took me a few letters for her to take me seriously.  Your lady will want to know your serious, and the only way to show that is by booking a ticket.

- When you DO go you need a backup plan in case things aren't as they seem.  Go to meet this lady and if things don't work out go to an agency for the remainder of your trip to meet ladies listed within.  Hard to get scammed - but easy to meet lots of ladies.

Good luck!

[JamesDH]

Misha

3. do you think you may need therapy as well? after you've been damaged by two your ex-girlfriends?

Could be true. I am still having confidence issues that I can trace back to the degrading and emotionally draining experience of that relationship.

2. in my very humble opinion - this woman isn't the very good match for you - you are too simple, direct, down-to-earth man, there is no delicacy in you (or maybe you hide it somewhere deep in closet). This woman is your 100% opposite. Nothing to do with her being damaged.

I think I know what you mean and I can tell you that men tend to hide certain things from the public. Especially when posting on a public forum.
I think the major problem is the language barrier. I can't express things to her in the way I want and feel my words are wasted due to the translator. I did NOT get the meaning of her message and if I would have known she was saying "I think you are my soul-mate" I would not be on this forum talking about it.

if she also uses a free online translator she most likely applies her imagination to your words  Smiley Therefore everything is happening so fast fore her. 

I am the only one using the translator. She writes in her language and I translate using several translators to try and get the meaning. If it was one letter a day I would use a service but we are emailing back and forth for hours. It's very frustrating because I can not "bare my soul" to her like I want to. (Seems she may be doing a little of that after reading the revised translation of her letter)

Mies:

James - you don't look like the person this woman describes as волшебник.

Can you elaborate on that? (I won't be offended)

she wrote that she was not rushing into marriage because she wanted to be with the "right guy" - romantic [though romantic isn't exactly the term but the closest equivalent I can find] man. When she married - her husband appeared to be very dominant/controlling and treated her like a "thing"/belonging. He cut her off the world, friends and relatives. She tried to make the marriage work but it didn't. After she divorced she had more conflicts with her husband about the child.

That is what I got from the literal translation.

Basically she believes in miracles, and bright sides, and is jolly and romantic. She writes that she needs a person like her.

I think that describes me only tinged with a little skepticism caused by the "relationship".
I actually think these qualities are missing from the AM I've dated recently and these qualities are what I seek. One reason I feel so drawn to the women I've chatted with so far. I believe in the fairy tale and I'm looking for it.

Very nice qualities but still a little intimidating if not tempered with a good sense of humor.  No trace of the latter, unfortunately.

I did feel some intimidation but a long think with myself and I know that if the right women comes along I can be the magician. I just haven't been with one yet that is worthy of the 100% effort. I want to give myself 100% to someone but it has to be returned. I have not found the right one yet. Except for that one woman in Seattle. That was as close as I've come and it was wonderful for both of us.

Kuna:
Wise words for sure.
If things improved much I would probably explode. Just this morning I called her and we had a great conversation even tho all she can say are a few words of english. We laughed and chatted and it was magical. I'm still glowing from it and she is still telling me how much she enjoyed it.

You can't go much further than that without running a BIG risk of getting emotionally attached, and you shouldn't be getting attached to someone you've spent no face to face time with.

Common sense for sure but where is the romance in that?

If you'd identified an attractive woman who you've established is genuine, and you share some common interests or goals, then it' s time to book a ticket (IMHO).

Agreed.
I will visit in August. I am starting the visa process next week. Luckily I get free transportation thru my job.

Backup plan.
When I start thinking like that I get a weird feeling. Like it's some sort of meat market or something. I am not sure I can bring myself to do that. I somehow feel I would lose respect for myself if I went woman shopping so to speak, go into an agency and "pick out a few from the line up".
I might communicate with a few and have them more or less on idle but not sure I could even do that. I feel guilty when I'm talking to more than one woman at a time other than just casual conversation.

In my years of online dating I've found that the mind plays tricks on you. You meet someone online, start communicating and your mind automatically makes this person into the perfect person for you. Sure you get more and more of the real personality as you converse but you never actually get the real person substituted for that ideal your mind has created. If that person doesn't grate on you then you continue the illusion until you meet in person. My first time it took several days of being with that person to substitute her real persona for the one my mind created. Powerful stuff.
Now I've gone the opposite way and try to picture the actual person in my mind and build the image based on our interaction before meeting. Not always successful but I it is better.

No idea why but I seem to be overly capable of getting emotionally attached lately. One thing is for sure.. when I look at her lips I can immediately imagine kissing them.. forever!

Ok this is as I see it.
I feel I am the first person she's gone this far with. I am the first man to call her. The first to email from her home (she wasn't set up for it and had to get her son to help her get the email going).
Yes I realize all that this means. She is very vulnerable and I need to proceed with kid gloves. At the same time it's very intoxicating thinking of a woman that hasn't been tainted by online dating scene.

Heady stuff for sure.

Really like the feedback and comments.
Food for thought

[Kuna]

James,

Be careful mate... you're way ahead of yourself.

From experience and from watching MANY men come through here with similar concepts I can tel you that you're running a high risk route at the moment.

Please remember my post is meant to be supportive - even if some of it isn't exactly what you want to hear right now.

Kuna:
Wise words for sure.
If things improved much I would probably explode. Just this morning I called her and we had a great conversation even tho all she can say are a few words of english. We laughed and chatted and it was magical. I'm still glowing from it and she is still telling me how much she enjoyed it.

That's cool...  it's nice to remember back to a similar stage with my wife but remember you've not met this lady yet and ANYTHING culd happen before or at the first meeting.

Common sense for sure but where is the romance in that?

James, there's PLENTY of time for romance after meeting.  I see romance before meeting as being unfair to the lady because you've got no idea if you'll clck.  To make it romantic beforehand is like making some undeclared commitment to her - or even worse a literal commitment to her.

Keep your feet firmly planted on the ground until after meeting face to face - you'll have a greater chance of finding what you want anyway (because your imagination will get you into trouble FOR SURE).

I will visit in August. I am starting the visa process next week. Luckily I get free transportation thru my job.

August is cool.. but don't let it drag on.  Once you visit the first time you'llneed to line up future visits.  Timing is all up to you but you need enough time to get to know each other.  My advice to you is for you to force it to be as "normal" as possible.  Distance is one of the biggest challenges in this pursuit... controlling your emotions is the biggest.

Backup plan.
When I start thinking like that I get a weird feeling. Like it's some sort of meat market or something. I am not sure I can bring myself to do that. I somehow feel I would lose respect for myself if I went woman shopping so to speak, go into an agency and "pick out a few from the line up".
I might communicate with a few and have them more or less on idle but not sure I could even do that. I feel guilty when I'm talking to more than one woman at a time other than just casual conversation.

A backup plan does not mean lining up a series of women to visit if it doesn't work out with your lady.

It can be as simple as a plan to move to another city (or stay in her city if it's sizable) and having contact details of some agencies you'd like to use to meet some girls.

You could spend a few days with you lady and if it falls apart at least you'll know what to do to meet others - rather than drg out a failed trip in the company of someone you see no future with.  Remember, she may reject you too.

Before traveling you may feel this is a little like wife-shopping.  Using an agency is like speed dating and some aren't comfortable with that.  When yu build a relaitonship with a FSUW you'll discover most are very proud, capable, able and self sufficient.  The days are gone where men could waltz in, flash a passport and pick out a wife.  For many FSUW their lives are not that bad that they are THAT desperate to get out.

In my years of online dating I've found that the mind plays tricks on you. You meet someone online, start communicating and your mind automatically makes this person into the perfect person for you. Sure you get more and more of the real personality as you converse but you never actually get the real person substituted for that ideal your mind has created. If that person doesn't grate on you then you continue the illusion until you meet in person. My first time it took several days of being with that person to substitute her real persona for the one my mind created. Powerful stuff.
Now I've gone the opposite way and try to picture the actual person in my mind and build the image based on our interaction before meeting. Not always successful but I it is better.

You know the dangers...  my adviec is DO NOT build the image and don't get too emotionally committed to the relationship before the relationship exists.  The relationship won't exist until after you meet, spenda  little time together and make a committment based on reality.  Until then,  stay cool and calm... or get on the plan before August.   

No idea why but I seem to be overly capable of getting emotionally attached lately. One thing is for sure.. when I look at her lips I can immediately imagine kissing them.. forever!

BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD...  Dude...  can I tell you this kinda talk is BAD!

1. You have no idea if she has dirty filthy stinking putrid breath...
2. You have no idea if she reeks of garlic
3. If you talk to her like this she will get scared off - because you sound desperate.  From my experience, the best (most genuine) RW I wrote to kept a very level head through the "getting to know you" phase. 
4. Forever?  How do you know?  You don't, but your imagination has sucked you into a fantasy and unless you restore some reality you're in a craps shoot.  Sorry...  you need to egt a grip!

Ok this is as I see it.
I feel I am the first person she's gone this far with. I am the first man to call her. The first to email from her home (she wasn't set up for it and had to get her son to help her get the email going).
Yes I realize all that this means. She is very vulnerable and I need to proceed with kid gloves. At the same time it's very intoxicating thinking of a woman that hasn't been tainted by online dating scene.

James,  you sound vulnerable to me.

You're the first one she's gone this far with???  How far???  And what is this???  James, she's got a life.. a past...  you being the "first she's gone this far with" might be important to you...  but what is it???  First to call her???  First to email from her home?  Your fantasy seems well entrenched already.  You've lost the ability to reason!

You say she is vulnerable and you need to progress with kid gloves???  DOn't worry about her - start to be concerned for yourself.  Falling in love with the image you've built in your head is not fair to her.

I just thnk you need to chill...  be thankful you're writing to someone real and genuine (hope you didn't send money for that internet connection at home!!!) and get your trip planned ASAP.

Good luck mate...  but relax, the romance really should come after meeting face to face and not beforehand!

[Sculpto]

James,
I feel a bit like we are kindred souls from the way you have been writing.  I can relate to what you are going through.. from your past and present.

I hope you will listen to what I am going to say carefully.

You must be careful letting your dream and hope for the fairy tale cloud your judgement.  Now, please repeat that 100 times.

I totally 100% understand your reluctance to have any kind of a backup plan, however, it is foolish to do so.  What if you arrive there and don't feel the chemistry?  Then what?  Sit alone in your room and sulk?  You must gather your nads and make some alternate plans, just in case.  I have been stuck sitting in a room alone.. waiting.. wondering why I was so foolish.. there is almost nothing in the world that sucks more.

There is one part of your post I think you need to consider re-evaluating.  You said, "I want to give myself 100% to someone but it has to be returned".  Again, I understand the sentiment, but, is love really the transaction your comment implies?  You don't have to answer.. just something to think about.  Really, there are no guarantees.. maybe one day it is returned and the next day it isn't.  Are you sure you want to live like that?  Will you hold back your love because you didn't get yours that day?  

Also, I think if you are doubting and having confidence issues.. you might want to consider postponing this effort until you are healed.  You will have better results.

[Sculpto]

Oh, and after reading Kuna's post.. everything he said!  DITTO x10

[JamesDH]

One thing I've come to know about myself is that I am slow to process emotional things. My mind goes over the scenario and it just takes time.

One thing that drove home a lot of what you are saying is that today she stayed up till 7am emailing me and that got me thinking.
She could be falling for me in a big way but then I thought... She hardly knows me. I hardly know her. How can we develop real feelings in such conditions?

The words "what do you have in common? Goals?" really hit home. What do we have in common? We're both online? Great. but nothing to start a relationship with. Do I now her values? Does she know mine? Does she have horrid breath? (funny but something to really consider)

I've read the replies and I've got plenty to process.
I know there is a lot of truth to what you all are saying.

[Misha]

She could be falling for me in a big way but then I thought... She hardly knows me. I hardly know her.

More likely she may be falling for the fantasy she is projecting onto you. Keep in mind that men are not the only ones to fall in love with the fantasy of love