How to deal with the dreaded question - other women

[MatryoshkaMan]

Hey all, really need some level-headed advice now.
I am starting to get the question "so are you communicating with any other women?"
Just got one this morning and this is from a woman that I am attracted to and I don't want to blow the answer - which is - truthfully - yes, a lot.

Do you guys have a canned response or did you have one in the past? If so, what is it?

[Shadow]

Make it clear that until you come and visit you are not going to make any commitment to any woman. If she does not accept this answer, drop her.

[SMS60]

The truth will set you free.

[MatryoshkaMan]

I need to find a less blunt way of stating it though...

[Gator]

I need to find a less blunt way of stating it though...

RW are natural skeptics and the master of detecting double talk.  The less direct you are, the more trouble you will create.

Shadow gave you a great answer.  You do not need to disclose who, where, when and how many.  Just say "yes" and use Shadow's answer. 

Part of this venture is learning whether your style is compatible with the RW style.  You may decide that RW are not for you.

[ECOCKS]

My response was that I was dating several women and would see who showed the most promise, compatability or whatever you want to call it. I explained early on that as I identified good women I would continue to date them and stop dating the ones who were not working out. Only one seemed to have any sort of issue with this and it died pretty quickly when I stated that I was still getting to know the area and the people.

Tell the truth and stick to your guns without apologizing or rationalizing anything.

[Daveman]

Excellent suggestions so far.

This seems to work well for me.  I basically say something like this...(of course, from me it's in a playful and funny way, but gets the point across... humor goes a long way with most RW's I've encountered).

"Ohhh, Irina, so we are married now? And to think, I even missed the ceremony... not to mention the great sex!  Next time, wake me up! Really, it's not polite to speak about other men or women. Maybe later after we know each other better, but for now, we are learning about each other to see if we have enough in common to meet in person. "

I'm sure there are some ladies who would probably be offended by such a statement, or jokes, but for me that would be a good thing to weed out the anally retentive... but that's just me.


Regardless you are in a bit of a catch - 22 because if you are NOT communicating with other ladies, there's something wrong with you. If you ARE communicating with other ladies, there's something wrong with you.  Be a gentleman always, but seriously, forget about their possible opinions *of you* and really, don't worry about it in the least.  Don't try to impress. Don't try to say the "right" things.  Don't walk on eggshells. Don't make excuses. Just be yourself and firmly state your intentions.  With the right lady, *yourself* will be the most impressive aspect and vice versa. 

Relax.... none of this is rocket science.  Let some of them weed themselves out.

[groovlstk]

Hey all, really need some level-headed advice now.
I am starting to get the question "so are you communicating with any other women?"
Just got one this morning and this is from a woman that I am attracted to and I don't want to blow the answer - which is - truthfully - yes, a lot.

Do you guys have a canned response or did you have one in the past? If so, what is it?

In another thread you breathlessly talk about how busy you are chatting w/dozens of Russian women. If your communication with this women has turned (prematurely) romantic, it's your own fault that she's asking this question.

What do you think would happen if you told her the truth? She'd disappear. Why would she disappear? Because she'd assume you're playing around for your own gratification and her chances of meeting you in person were slim to nil. IMHO, she'd be 100% correct.

[Misha]

I am starting to get the question "so are you communicating with any other women?"

Well, the truth is that you have to communicate with women until you find the right woman. Just tell her the truth: you are communicating with a lot of women until you find the one that you want to spend the rest of your life with.

[MatryoshkaMan]

Good advice so far. I take it the point is that if the woman reacts badly to being told that I am talking to other women, then she has insecurity and other issues and its best just let her fall by the wayside.

[Blues Fairy]

Good advice so far. I take it the point is that if the woman reacts badly to being told that I am talking to other women, then she has insecurity and other issues and its best just let her fall by the wayside.

Yes, by all means, spare such women the trouble.  Those whose skin is not thick enough to deal with humiliation are not worth your attention. 

[Misha]

Yes, by all means, spare such women the trouble.  Those whose skin is not thick enough to deal with humiliation are not worth your attention. 

Well, there is a world of difference between chatting with women online and getting to know which one you actually want to develop a relationship with in person and dating many women in person. The odds of picking one woman on a dating site and having her be the one that you will meet and marry is pretty remote IMHO.

[OlgaH]

Good advice so far. I take it the point is that if the woman reacts badly to being told that I am talking to other women, then she has insecurity and other issues and its best just let her fall by the wayside.

It is not about insecurity. It is about having a normal human dignity, being honest and serious. Some women don't want to play the juggling games and to be an object in a man's juggling game or a part of his WMVM.  Some women accept and practice such games and they will juggle till the marriage license will be in their pockets.

[Blues Fairy]

Well, there is a world of difference between chatting with women online and getting to know which one you actually want to develop a relationship with in person and dating many women in person. The odds of picking one woman on a dating site and having her be the one that you will meet and marry is pretty remote IMHO.

Misha, I think if a woman is driven to ask the subject question, she must have felt lack of interest/emotional investment on the part of her correspondent.  How she reacts to the truth is a secondary matter; and certainly not an indication of any insecurity.  The insecurity is in the asking, not in the reaction to the answer.

I can't imagine asking a man whether he chats with anyone else, unless I feel that there's been a marked change in the level of his interest and investment of intelligence/creativity into the communication.  Which, among other things, may be due to the fact that he's juggling too many correspondents.  Still such a question is rather blunt and tasteless, in my opinion.

[Faux Pas]

It is not about insecurity. It is about having a normal human dignity, being honest and serious. Some women don't want to play the juggling games and to be an object in a man's juggling game or a part of his WMVM.  Some women accept and practice such games and they will juggle till the marriage license will be in their pockets.

Yes, by all means, spare such women the trouble.  Those whose skin is not thick enough to deal with humiliation are not worth your attention.  

MatryoshkaMan

BF and Olga make a good point you seem to be overlooking in favor of hearing what you wish to hear. That being "Hell yes it is okay to tell them anything you want". Be prepared that many of these ladies you do tell anything except the truth will flee. Those that accept anything you tell them and continue are just as likely to be telling you anything and eventually disqualify you as a relationship or worse marry you and then tell you to take a hike. The moral here is be very careful what you are projecting and the ladies you filter.

On another note: At the risk of sounding critical (not intentional but feel this must be said) MM you said you are 38 and have been married to a UW and now divorced. I feel the need to mention the big pink gorilla in the room. You seem to have somewhat a juvenile mindset here. I deduced this from your previous threads and now this one. You are all giddy, gung-ho and excited to be communicating with a dozens attractive ladies. Nothing exactly wrong with that for a 15 year old thinking with his penis but, you state you are 38. Now you don't know what to say to them and seem to be asking advice as to "how to" lie to them as well. I'm not trying to bust your chops here but something doesn't add up.

[GoodOlBoy]

Be prepared that many of these ladies you do tell anything except the truth will flee.

Yes....and also be prepared for the "fleeing" when you DO tell them the truth (ie: Hi Natasha, I just wanted to let you know that your number 9 on my list of the top ten FSUW that I will be coming to visit this Fall!) 


GOB

[Ade]

FP, finally we agree on something.

The guy is suffering from big-kid-in-candy-store syndrome.

MM, grow up, don't lie to these women or lead them on and remember, these are people you are playing with here, some of whom you may actually hurt if you raise their expectations with no intention of following through - not all RW are hard callused cynical biatches and they deserve to be treated with some consideration and respect. Have fun by all means but be real and stop toying with them.

[Mars]

Once a woman asks the question about others, it is probably too late.  At that point, you either lie and lose her later or tell the truth and lose her immediately.  And, although some of the ladies here say such questions are in bad taste; it is a burning question for virtually all women in all countries of the world.

Best to try to head off the question in the first place.  I tell early on that I will not at all discuss any past, present or future imagined women and will not ask same about her men.  It worked for me for women in 40+ age bracket.  Not a single one asked about other women. 

Only one mentioned it tangentially by saying she would like to meet me if she "didn't have to stand in a long line."  I ignored her comment and she never raised the issue again.

Oh I just remembered; that one whom I met also tried to go at it from another angle by asking me what I thought of Ukrainian women.  I refused to bite on that also since I knew to comment would lead to next question about my sample size, etc.  Luckily I only met once with this woman as she was a little whacked in several categories; even though she was a medical doctor.  Felt sorry for her patients.

[SMS60]

MM

Watch the movie "waterboy" with Adam Sandler. There is a part which would answer your question.

It is hilarious.

If I was computer savey I would post a Youtube clip. Any Takers?

[AramisLux]

let's understand a couple of things here: [1] you have no commitment to any woman presently; [2] you are only doing what is normal and natural for a single person who is looking for.....for want of a better word...a girlfriend. are both of these items true?

if yes, why not just say that as the first part of your very simple answer? that is what i do in this situation: make your answer all about how you are not committed to anyone but that you are (just like them) looking around for the right person to consider for a relationship. in answering, you are showing that you are just doing the realistic, reasonable, normal thing (and so are they). remind them that 'it is a two way street' and you are not expecting them to be doing anything but exactly what you are doing.

use this as a direct quote if you would like:

'since i am not committed to anyone, i am simply looking for the right person to consider for a relationship. i think it is only reasonable, realistic, and normal to be communicating with more than one woman given these circumstance. and, by the way, i think it is perfectly reasonable for you to be doing the same until such time as you decide to make some kind of commitment to someone. so i assume you are talking to more than one guy, and that you will be tolerant of me doing the same'.

is there a good russian saying that is equivalent to "what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander"?

[Mars]

let's understand a couple of things here: [1] you have no commitment to any woman presently; [2] you are only doing what is normal and natural for a single person who is looking for.....for want of a better word...a girlfriend. are both of these items true?

if yes, why not just say that as the first part of your very simple answer? that is what i do in this situation: make your answer all about how you are not committed to anyone but that you are (just like them) looking around for the right person to consider for a relationship. in answering, you are showing that you are just doing the realistic, reasonable, normal thing (and so are they). remind them that 'it is a two way street' and you are not expecting them to be doing anything but exactly what you are doing.

use this as a direct quote if you would like:

'since i am not committed to anyone, i am simply looking for the right person to consider for a relationship. i think it is only reasonable, realistic, and normal to be communicating with more than one woman given these circumstance. and, by the way, i think it is perfectly reasonable for you to be doing the same until such time as you decide to make some kind of commitment to someone. so i assume you are talking to more than one guy, and that you will be tolerant of me doing the same'.

is there a good russian saying that is equivalent to "what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander"?

This is total nonsense.  Women and men think entirely different about these issues.  And, for most of us here, the men are doing the paying and the traveling and the women are in their home city.  To the women, they just plan to meet for a few moments or a few hours depending on how they measure the chemistry.  They could give a sheeet less if you come only to see them and they decide to give a pass on you, as you are walking up to them.  You might get only a polite handshake and a wish for you to "have a good time looking around my city, by yourself."

It will do no good to try to be logical and explain as you did about 'let's both be looking around at other mates.'  They will readily (and mostly honestly) state that they will not be meeting or dating anyone else for the time period you will be in their home city.  But that means silch and won't help you at all when you put all your eggs in one basket and have the basket fall within a few minutes or hours of your meet with this 'one and only.'

Meanwhile she merely takes the bus back to her home or work and continues her normal life, with some new humorous stories to tell about 'stupid man who came to visit her.'

[AramisLux]

Mars:

i don't know what 'putting all your eggs in one basket' has to do with this situation.

of course some women will not be logical or reasonable with the OP regardless of what he decides to tell them. my argument to you is that you can determine rather easily if the woman asking the question can be logical or reasonable simply by being logical and reasonable (and open) with her, and then seeing how she reacts.

if she reacts by being unreasonable, you have all the information you need right there to make a decision about moving on to someone that can be reasonable.

another thing the OP could say while using my suggested response is that it seems very reasonable and reasonable people will certainly accept it.

now, if you would like to come back at me with some kind of statement like, "women are not reasonable", i am ready for you.

[Daveman]

Well, romance does tend to knock reason on its ear sometimes.

Everything depends on where you are or what stage you're in during the communication process.  If after two days of "chatting" she's asking these kinds of questions, then something is a little weird.  If you've been chatting every single day for a month, then chances are that she's trying to get a feel for where she really stands with you, or perhaps is waiting for you to make the suggestion to become "exclusive communicators". By chatting with her every day for a month, you are giving a distinct signal that you are seriously chasing *her*, not her and a slew of others -- which brings us back to the best approach VM vs VO.. to which there is no conclusive answer.  If I were going to meet many, I would take Simoni's advice from a wihle back -- don't write a bunch of letters, just go meet in person and THEN develop communication.  No chance of leading on, misunderstandings, lie traps, dishonesty, hurt feelings, etc.

Regardless of how rational we think we are being, the natural, instinctual selection process is not one of women having competitors. The natural process is for a single woman to have many suitors of competing males, not the other way around. So even such a thought to many of them will be very distasteful.  You can't fight five or so million years of evolution and instinct with a few words of logic. Just ain't going to happen.

[AramisLux]

i just want to remind everyone that our suggestions to the OP should be considered/judged in context: he is basically a guy who is chasing after multiple rw while using skype and maybe "chat rooms". it isn't like he is really far along in his latest attempt at snagging a new rw.

with regard to the fact that romance does tend to 'knock reason on it's head sometimes', i certainly agree with you, Daveman. but i just think that, at times, men allow women to drive reason out of relationship building and then we suffer very real and tragic consequences later on. all i am trying to say is when we can use reason to keep ourselves out of trouble with women, let's consider very seriously how we might appeal to reason, and of course fairness, in order to avoid difficult consequences.

[Gator]

I too thought initially that asking the question was a sign of insecurity, or more a lack of confidence.  Now I do not think that is the the explanation in many cases with divorced RW. 

A number of RW divorced because their husband was a philanderer.  Their memories of betrayal and the sense insecurity.   Such women are determined to avoid such in their next marriage. 

How does a woman gauge such potential in a man if not from clues such as this?  It is akin to RW who was married to an alcoholic or abusive husband.  They certainly will avoid heavy drinkers and men who lose their temper.

Thus, be respectful of a woman if she asks this question.  It may be her history, and she simply hopes that you are a better man.  Express some empathy, and do not turn the tables to place her on the defense. 

Then again, she could be a Siberian Witch who drove her ex-husband crazy.   :hairraising: