Re: Life Adjustments, Fears, Isolation, and Suggestions to overcome them

[Jazzyclassy]

Marrying her may have been the honorable thing, yet it could have brought years of misery or quiet desperation.

Oh might be true, but again show me those girls who are so happy and have no depression after leaving their family , friends, job  almost all their lives behind, rushing into unknown life, moving to another world which they know nothing about.
To be honest, i found Billie's story very very sad and just so strange that such a long and seemed to be strong relationship broke up after such a thing, simply her normal condition, how she felt before moving and she probably just needed more time to get used to the fact that she will live in the other country, it's a simple as that.
I think they both grew apart during those 3 years of long distance relationship and they just both were torturing each other and if for Billie it might be easy to find another lady, than for Natalia it might take few months to start dating again, that is very sad - they both did not figure it out long time ago....

Though nobody is judging , I wish them both to find their love and happiness and wish that they would not stop fighting for their love and  such things like visa and depression wont stop them from being with the people they love.

[Simoni]

Oh might be true, but again show me those girls who are so happy and have no depression after leaving their family , friends, job  almost all their lives behind, rushing into unknown life, moving to another world which they know nothing about.

I can handle half of that equation. 

I can show you lots of marriages where the wife is happy.  And I can show you zero cases where there is "no depression."  Depression is normal, as is culture shock.

[Jazzyclassy]

I can handle half of that equation. 

I can show you lots of marriages where the wife is happy.  And I can show you zero cases where there is "no depression."  Depression is normal, as is culture shock.

I mean when a woman is moving from one country to another it is never happy for her, I mean that period of time when she needs support and understanding and not what you mean, there are a lot of people who are happy in their international marriages yes, but at the begining it is always hard for a person to adapt to a new country , culture and environment.

[Gator]

I mean when a woman is moving from one country to another it is never happy for her, I mean that period of time when she needs support and understanding and not what you mean, there are a lot of people who are happy in their international marriages yes, but at the begining it is always hard for a person to adapt to a new country , culture and environment.

My wife is elated with her decision.  She misses Russian bread and few other items, yet they pale in comparison with what she has gained.  She recently returned from a trip to Moscow and found her beloved city "dirty, congested, and rude."

Her daughter now that she has learned English has told me the story of when she woke up the first morning after the long flight.  She walked around her new home, went outside and smelled the air, and sat down with me as we chose a cereal for breakfast.  She said she felt like it was paradise.

Her son is another story and does indeed miss Russia.  The reason - his friends.  Unlike the daughter, the son has not made a good friend other than a Russian boy.

[Ed.  Corrected some dreadful spelling]

[Blues Fairy]

She sais she felt like it was paradise.

My feelings exactly after I moved to NC.  Just the opportunity to raise my daughter here in this air, an not in Moscow, is worth any losses or changes.

[AnastassiaAsh]

I felt totally the same way: paradise for my ears and eyes! :-) I think I never went through a bad culture/language/country shock. It was a very pleasant change. I experienced some down times though during my pregnancy and after and when my late husband's health went down the hill.........

[GQBlues]

She walked around her new home, went outside and smelled the air,

 

I grew up not being more than a half mile from ocean Pacific all my life so it seem strange to me to hear my wife expressed something about this. Especially after her first trip back from Russia. She told me she couldn't wait to get back 'home' to see me and smell the ocean air. Even my in-Laws made those comments and that's one of the highlights of their trips everytime. Their mood changes once the plane's doors open up and smell the air.

We met a recently-arrived Moscow woman over the weekend and coincidentally she remarked the very same thing.

[Jazzyclassy]

   
My wife is elated with her decision.  She misses Russian bread and few other items, yet they pale in comparison with what she has gained.  She recently returned from a trip to Moscow and found her beloved city "dirty, congested, and rude."

Her daughter now that she has learned English has told me the story of when she woke up the first morning after the long flight.  She walked around her new home, went outside and smelled the air, and sat down with me as we chose a cereal for breakfast.  She said she felt like it was paradise.

Her son is another story and does indeed miss Russia.  The reason - his friends.  Unlike the daughter, the son has not made a good friend other than a Russian boy.

[Ed.  Corrected some dreadful spelling]

All I can say is that obviously for every person it is not the same- moving to another country, for me it was rather stressful, because I lived much better life with more choices and much freedom (in terms of where to go for example, you can take metro or bus and you are where you needed to be) here I have not got driving lessons yet(it is very expensive here) and therefore i can not drive a car and I live in the middle of nowhere, if you have a car it is easy to go to places obviously.And all those little things such as non mobility, no work opportunities and no friends  - all turn up as a negative impression and sort of  bugs you.
Especially when you are still very young and would love to enjoy life and when you have not  got enough money to afford a child at the moment. So you are wasting your young years so to say , you do not work cos there is no proper work ( i work though) and still you can not have a child cos it is very expensive.
I always miss my family and friends cos I was and I am very close to all of them and  I miss the atmosphere of spiritual unity, which I always had back in Moscow. And here for example if i want to talk about something, i know my loving husband will always understand me, but i can not talk to anybody else. And I know that my family and friends would always understand my point better than  english relatives for example or friends, it is as simple as that. I miss this thing that when you start sharing your emotions with friends they just finish up the sentence for you, cos they totally understand where are you coming from.

It depends which environment you are from and obviously if you did not have comfortable life and were struggling and disliked everything around you, of course America or any other country would be paradise for you, but if you  have it vice versa, then you can not judge
Moscow is a lovely amazing place to live, yeah some of you mentioned air and the fact that it is busy and so on, but it is my hometown and i will always remember my fantastic life there and can not compare it to anything else. I am not saying that i am living in misery of course not , but i am just saying that it is different and i do miss a lot of things from Russia and I wish i could be a magician and make it so that Moscow and outskirts of London were a 1 hour trip by car:)))

So what was that for? Well I want to say that for a woman in her 30s and more as far as i know according to my experience moving to some village with calming rhythm, fresh air , smiling old people everywhere it is fantastic opportunity and she will leave everything for this ,especially when her husband can afford for them to have children , when for example in moscow she could not even dream about it, of course she will crave it and love it, I know that for sure my sister just turned 30 and she loves my life )) when she has to work very hard in Moscow
But for younger girls , when they still want to maybe find some good work and want to travel a bit, moving to a village with only old people there - it is not the best option in the world , believe me! So at this point girls' husbands or boyfriends need to show a little bit of support and try to understand them and be there for them and bare with their emotions and then in the end everything will be fine!
Though maybe i just speak in general and BillyB's girl had real problems with leaving her country , so once again it is different for everybody.....

[Gator]

Jazzy,

You are young and building your life with your man.  That is not easy even in your precious Moscow.

Your feelings are those of someone who is isolated.  Moscow had everything and it was reachable easily by public transport.

Sorry to hear about your isolation feelings because I experienced the same decades ago when first working for the UN and living in a totally alien land without a car (and I had a job to do during the day but no girlfriend/wife after work was over).

You need to get out of the house and do something.  If so, you will make friends somehow.  Have you thought about volunteer work?  Is there not a network of FSUW? 

Also, you need to learn to drive.  My wife came here as an experienced driver.  I purchased her a car with GPS.  A golfing buddy has a friend married to a UW who does not drive and is driving her husband crazy because she is bored.  I arranged for my wife to meet the UW and now my wife makes a point to pick her up at least once per week and take her somewhere.

 

[groovlstk]

I always miss my family and friends cos I was and I am very close to all of them and  I miss the atmosphere of spiritual unity, which I always had back in Moscow. And here for example if i want to talk about something, i know my loving husband will always understand me, but i can not talk to anybody else. And I know that my family and friends would always understand my point better than  english relatives for example or friends, it is as simple as that. I miss this thing that when you start sharing your emotions with friends they just finish up the sentence for you, cos they totally understand where are you coming from.

Great post, Jazzy. This perfectly describes how my wife felt during our first year in the US.

[Gator]

Great post, Jazzy. This perfectly describes how my wife felt during our first year in the US.

And you reside in New York City.

Jazzy is in a "village" with nothing but "old" people.

Jazzy, what is your definition of "village?"  My wife calls Tampa a "lovely village."   

How "old" are your neighbors?  Are they as old as KenC and I, your two best friends at RWD.   

[groovlstk]

And you reside in New York City.

Yes, we are fortunate enough to have a large Russian and Ukrainian population nearby and my wife now has a full circle of friends. I think the lesson to take from Jazzy's experience is that men need to be very patient and understanding during the adjustment period. Some women have it easier than others - my wife, like Jazzy, didn't want to leave Moscow. Two years ago she'd have been thrilled if I took a job in Moscow and we relocated, but no longer.

A lot has been written about the difficulties that most women encounter by leaving their family, friends, and culture behind - but it's also difficult for the husband. The worst mistake he can make, IMHO, is to expect his wife to fall all over herself with gratitude about the new, comfortable life he has given her and then feel resentful when she doesn't.

[Simoni]

Marina will this week have been here three years.  Adjustment takes time.

I don't know how long Jazzy has been in the UK, but for Marina, this place started feeling like home in about 18 months.  Now she would not trade this life for the old one...

[Jazzyclassy]

Jazzy,

You are young and building your life with your man.  That is not easy even in your precious Moscow.

Your feelings are those of someone who is isolated.  Moscow had everything and it was reachable easily by public transport.

Sorry to hear about your isolation feelings because I experienced the same decades ago when first working for the UN and living in a totally alien land without a car (and I had a job to do during the day but no girlfriend/wife after work was over).

You need to get out of the house and do something.  If so, you will make friends somehow.  Have you thought about volunteer work?  Is there not a network of FSUW? 

Also, you need to learn to drive.  My wife came here as an experienced driver.  I purchased her a car with GPS.  A golfing buddy has a friend married to a UW who does not drive and is driving her husband crazy because she is bored.  I arranged for my wife to meet the UW and now my wife makes a point to pick her up at least once per week and take her somewhere.

 

Aww thank you I am working i go to yoga i get out of the house, it is just in general life is different  and it is not as friendlier and is not fuller if i may say so at some point and i know it will change cos I just came here  and moved not in a good times when crisis is stricking everyone:( I am not that isolated as how you might thought but i do have lack of communication,oh well not everything at once

And i will learn how to drive am just saving money for driving lessons

[Jazzyclassy]

And you reside in New York City.

Jazzy is in a "village" with nothing but "old" people.

Jazzy, what is your definition of "village?"  My wife calls Tampa a "lovely village."   

How "old" are your neighbors?  Are they as old as KenC and I, your two best friends at RWD.   

)) My definition of a village is when everybody put their laundry outside hang it on the washing line )) and yeah some of our neighbours are  even older than KenC can you imagine that ))?!

sorry i violated BillyB's topic

[SANDRO43]

My definition of a village is when everybody put their laundry outside hang it on the washing line ))

You're just envious because they can't do that in Moscow without hopelessly soiling it .

[Daveman]

)) My definition of a village is when everybody put their laundry outside hang it on the washing line )) and yeah some of our neighbours are  even older than KenC can you imagine that ))?!

sorry i violated BillyB's topic

No problem... topic was split to make this discussion easier to find.  Some great additions in this thread and hopefully it will continue
Dave

PS.. glad to see you back and posting again Jazzy..    Hang in there.. if anyone can make the transition and build a happy family, I believe you can. 

[GoodOlBoy]

Marina and I just spent part of the weekend in Key West (for about the 6th time).

I will never forget the first time we went to Key West (4 years ago) and we were traveling down Duval Street (main drag) and a Rooster ran across the street chasing a Hen.

Marina screamed out from the passengers seat: "OMG....Key West is a village!!"


GOB


PS....Now we visit the Hemingway House in Key West EVERY TIME to see the 6 toed cats.

http://www.hemingwayhome.com/HTML/our_cats.htm

[GQBlues]

Marina screamed out from the passengers seat: "OMG....Key West is a village!!"

  Pretty funny!

When my wife first arrived and within 2 months of her arrival, I was offerred a fairly lucrative job offer in Sta Barbara. Factoring my newly arrived fiancee/wife into my decision process, I asked her what she thought of this pending offer. She asked me if we can see Sta Barbara.

So, I took her there and we spent a weekend in a nice B&B. She hated it. She hated Sta Barbara because she thinks it's a village.   I remember telling my wife how nearly every person living in SoCal would die for an opportunity that is staring at us. She didn't care, she couldn't live in a village.

Long story short, I turned down the offer, but today my wife's top choices of cities to move to someday, especially when we get our familia, yep, one of them is SB.

jazzyclassy-

One of the things I got my wife to ease her 'communication' angst was to get her a webcam. She can talk to all her family and friends 24/7 for free. Since getting it for her, her homesickness feelings went from high to almost non-existent.

[AnastassiaAsh]

Jazzy, what about asking your husband to teach you how to drive? Yeah, it's tough for a young couple to start no matter where you are.

[SANDRO43]

Jazzy, what about asking your husband to teach you how to drive?

Good idea, after all he's a Flight Controller, IIRC .

[JR]

Good post Jazzy. My ex's experience was pretty much the same as yours. But it sounds like you are taking positive steps to remedy the situation. The webcam suggestion is excellent and you should do this as soon as possible.

Take care and hang in there.

[Daveman]

Jazzy, what about asking your husband to teach you how to drive? Yeah, it's tough for a young couple to start no matter where you are.

I'll go ahead and place the order for the coffin... one of them would likely not survive! 

[Muddy]

My wife is elated with her decision.  She misses Russian bread and few other items, yet they pale in comparison with what she has gained.  She recently returned from a trip to Moscow and found her beloved city "dirty, congested, and rude."

Her daughter now that she has learned English has told me the story of when she woke up the first morning after the long flight.  She walked around her new home, went outside and smelled the air, and sat down with me as we chose a cereal for breakfast.  She said she felt like it was paradise.

My feelings exactly after I moved to NC.  Just the opportunity to raise my daughter here in this air, an not in Moscow, is worth any losses or changes.

I felt totally the same way: paradise for my ears and eyes! :-) I think I never went through a bad culture/language/country shock. It was a very pleasant change. I experienced some down times though during my pregnancy and after and when my late husband's health went down the hill.........

That is what my ex wrote her best friend in Ukraine her 1st week here
"Its paradise here"

[Jazzyclassy]

Life Adjustments, Fears, Isolation, and Suggestions to overcome them

You really  do know how to make it sound sad and miserable ) i do have webcam, i talk via Skype with my family and friends everyday, I am so sorry if i sounded that creepy, i just maybe exaggerated a bit . I am happy:) and I love life
I was just trying to show the difference and tell how it might be difficult for a person to move to another country  and to move from a fantastic environment to some unknown limited , less free and less optional place that's it

Though thank you for showing such understanding surprisingly?!

Considering driving lessons, my husband will teach me when i start driving with an instructor as well,  he does not want me to pick up his bad habits of driving and it would be nice for me to start learning with a proper instructor, so I am saving the money for it