how long to adjust to life in us?

[remiel6]

Haven't been around in a while, sorry for the absence and sorry if I upset anyone while I was on before. I traveled to Ukraine in the end of april and got engaged. My attorney mailed out the 129f in the begining of the month and tells me it should take about six to seven months for it to be completed. The question I had was for anyone with experience in such things and it is how long does it take to adjust to life in us and what are some of the things I can expect to deal with. I realize this is an open ended question, but just wanted to get some peoples experiences and thoughts on the subject so I can be prepared. Also keep in mind when I met her she had poor english, but has been in english lessons since then and we talk every day in english and her english is improving quite a bit, but I don't believe it will be perfect when she arrives. So also any thoughts on what I can do there aside from talking with her everyday.

[Gator]

Congratulations!  Hope everything progresses on time.

When she arrives your real work begins.  Here's a current thread about the subject of adjusting:

http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=9873.0

This subject is addressed in other threads, many in the Married subforum.

[Simoni]

Haven't been around in a while, sorry for the absence and sorry if I upset anyone while I was on before. I traveled to Ukraine in the end of april and got engaged. My attorney mailed out the 129f in the begining of the month and tells me it should take about six to seven months for it to be completed. The question I had was for anyone with experience in such things and it is how long does it take to adjust to life in us and what are some of the things I can expect to deal with. I realize this is an open ended question, but just wanted to get some peoples experiences and thoughts on the subject so I can be prepared. Also keep in mind when I met her she had poor english, but has been in english lessons since then and we talk every day in english and her english is improving quite a bit, but I don't believe it will be perfect when she arrives. So also any thoughts on what I can do there aside from talking with her everyday.

My wife has been here three years, and is now settled in and is happy here.  Most women go through several stages of culture shock-- which often includes complaining about almost everything here--too few people (Ukraine has 50 million people, all crammed into a country the size of Texas), no one walking, fat people, McDonalds, no sidewalks, too many cars, bad bread, and more.  But in time that all fades and the women becomes comfortable in her new surroundings.

Suggestions on improving her English:

~ Get a big screen tv and watch lots of movies.  Run English subtitle as you watch them.

~ Buy her books AND the book on tape of the book.  As she listens to the tape, she can follow along with the language in the book.

~Go to a church that has a young married department.  You'll make many new friends, and English will be the language they speak.

~Be her language teacher.  Explain meanings of words when she looks puzzled.

Above all, be patient.  And loving.  Don't forget to buy her gifts and bring her flowers.  You must be her anchor during the months of adjustment.

[remiel6]

thanks for the advice. I checked out the thread you mentioned and the married part of the site as well. There was a lot of good advice there and very helpful information. I like advice about watching movies  I have lots of those to watch, I hadn't thought about watching them with the english subtitles on. I think that is wonderful advice because she does read better than she speaks at the current time. All wonderful advice. She said she was going to help me learn russian so we can help teach each other. As I go about my day I try to make a note of things that she will see that will probably be a big suprise to her, and the list you mentioned is all usually there. I'll keep reading the forums. I found some wonderful advice there. thanks for the congratulations 

[Simoni]

You are welcome, remie.

I also used an "on the fly" program while in Ukraine.  It worked with my iPod and was called "Talking Panda."

I think you can get it at the apple store.   It is excellent for simple stuff, like ordering bacon with your breakfast when you are all alone without your girl to interpret.

[Simoni]

Here ia another thread that offers advice on your questions...

http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=3577.75

As you see, it's a very complex process, but one that works out in the end

[Muddy]

Directv
30+ movie channels
some popular russian channels like 1+1

[Muddy]

My attorney mailed out the 129f in the begining of the month and tells me it should take about six to seven months for it to be completed.

check visajourney.com
at this time it seems it takes less than 6-7 months, i read 3-4 months

[remiel6]

I can hope it will only take three to four months, but as I hope for the best I will be prepared to wait longer if I have to. I saw the russian language package from the dish network and had planned to get it for her. I was hoping that being able to hear something in russian would at least be able to reduce some of the stress. I asked my attorney in May before we filed and at that time he told me I should have no problems getting her here in six months. Perhaps the time has gone down from then. I will keep my fingers crossed. I will say one thing this process certain had been an adventure and If I do say one of the smartest choices I ever made. For me I found the perfect girl, she works hard and has oodles of patience. thanks again for all the advice. Now to prepare myself for thermostat wars 

[groovlstk]

I'm coming late to this, but I'll reiterate what Simoni said above about adjustment being a process. My wife has been in the US for 2 1/2 years and she's still adjusting and probably will be for quite a few years. It doesn't just happen one day that she'll wake up and love everything about her new life.

The initial euphoria wears thin after a week or two and after that the homesickness and culture shock sink in. This is probably the most dangerous stage as you're both adjusting to a new life together and little problems can blow up way out of proportion.

When my wife first arrived I remember reading advice from one of the Kens (KenC or Catzenmouse) about the big P: Patience. There's no greater friend to have during this period than the Big P.

[Simoni]

Right, Groove.

And patience does pay off, in some cases :-)

Now in this, our third summer here, Marina LOVES our air conditioning :-)

Yipee!!!!

[Simoni]

i remember one time, early in the process, when Marina kept talking about how unattractive and fat the women in the US were (we were in Manhattan at the time). 

So I took her to Hooters...  !!!    LOL

[groovlstk]

Now in this, our third summer here, Marina LOVES our air conditioning :-)

Yipee!!!!

My wife hated a/c when she arrived, last trip home to Moscow (in May) she was complaining about how so many old buildings and flats had no a/c 

A year ago we had a housewarming party for our Russian friends, it was blistering hot with nasty thunderstorms all day long so we couldn't entertain on our deck. One babushka, mom to one of our friends, kept asking me to lower the a/c because it made her neck ache. After several requests I just turned off the a/c completely - at one point it was 87 degrees in our home and I was fantasizing about pouring an ice-cold bottle of Grey Goose over my poor head

[HiTech]

check visajourney.com
at this time it seems it takes less than 6-7 months, i read 3-4 months

Right now NOA1-NAO2 is running about 4 months, So 6 months is a fair estimate for arrival when you include interview time.

[Misha]

In reflecting upon the question, I would say that the correct answer would be a lifetime  Perhaps, when she has lived more years in her country of adoption than her country of origin, she or he will be getting close to complete integration. However, to echo what Groov and Simoni have written, in my wife's case, the first year with its culture shock was hellish. It involved at one point a monopoly board being thrown into my lap. Was finding and picking up houses and hotels for a week  :evil: I seem to remember a few other things being thrown at me as well that first year  Now, after 3 years, complaints are becoming ever rarer as we plan for our future and all the things that a young youngish couples plan for: children, buying a nice house, etc...

[Simoni]

It involved at one point a monopoly board being thrown into my lap. Was finding and picking up houses and hotels for a week  :evil:

Now that's funny! :-)  LOL

[remiel6]

perhaps I should hide all the things with little pieces that might get thrown at me.  on second thought I might want to hide all the things with hard edges that might hurt when thrown at me now where to hide the sword,cause I really don't want that thrown at me 

[GQBlues]

In reflecting upon the question, I would say that the correct answer would be a lifetime 

As an immigrant to the US, and in my personal case, I do not agree with this.

As for my wife, she's adjusted to living life in the US at the very moment she literally step foot back in Russia the very first time after her arrival here.

While there will be common denominator for immigrants, time of adjustment will vary between individuals. It all depends on the person's mentality and propensity to adapt. It also depends on their immediate influences.

[Misha]

As an immigrant to the US, and in my personal case, I do not agree with this.

How old were you when you arrived in the United States? If you arrive as a child, then, of course, it takes no time at all. If someone arrives in their seventies, they will likely never fully adjust. If you are extremely fluent, it is of course easier. Even then, some things are always easier in your native language.

[GQBlues]

In my middle teens Misha. I didn't speak English either except for 4 words, good morning and thank you. Learned the 'f' word in less than a month   (Took that long since I can't find the definition in the dictionary). I didn't even had the same resources back then as she and most of the ladies coming here in recent years...

My wife, with as little language knowledge she had when she first came, compared to me, she was a native speaker.

While age may also have significant effect, I believe it still depends on immediate influences. I've also seen Hispanic people who'd emigrated here the same age I did and still have a hard time adjusting to our system.

Adjustment is an emotional relationship to me. It's like breaking out of, and moving into, a relationship. How you ease into it depends on the value in those relationships.

[Misha]

I agree with you that different people adjust at different speeds. I know people who have been in Canada decades, yet are probably more up to date as to what is happening in their country of origin than the city or town in which they live.

Still, I would say that somebody who was educated in their country of origin (at least high school and college/university) will have an easier time than someone who was educated elsewhere. Also, the attachments to one's country of origin don't disappear. There is family and friends. It will take years to have the same ties in one's new country (in terms of quality and quantity of friends as well as having children tying you to your new home).

[AugustD]

One month into our new life here in the US and  I am adapting well.  Oh..you are talking about for a RW.  Heck I think it takes more change for me than it does for my new wife and son.  I did get to have a talk the other night as our 10 year old belted out is first WTF.  Hopefully his last for a while.

It is as the gentlemen following said:  each individual is different.  My wife could find peace anywhere she goes and adapt fine.  She takes it with her.  She misses her mother and sister terribly though.  Thank God for Skype.    Now I am sure this afternoon will be a trial as the 9 week old puppy I bought for my son dared to touch his teeth to her red shoes in the closet.  As I went into the house and witnessed quite a Russian scolding my son was receiving I softly admitted that I left the closet open and not him.  I think I will work late tonight.

Larisa is adapting extremely well.  The biggest change comes with we are living rural versus urban Kazan.  Having a beautiful beach on Lake Michigan helps though.  She handles it extremely well though as she walks our property while I work in the morning gathering wild raspberries shocked that I have never done the same.

As far as lengths of K-1s right now.  I filed February 13 and interview was set for June 1.  Used CSC.

[Kuna]

Haven't been around in a while, sorry for the absence and sorry if I upset anyone while I was on before. I traveled to Ukraine in the end of april and got engaged. My attorney mailed out the 129f in the begining of the month and tells me it should take about six to seven months for it to be completed. The question I had was for anyone with experience in such things and it is how long does it take to adjust to life in us and what are some of the things I can expect to deal with. I realize this is an open ended question, but just wanted to get some peoples experiences and thoughts on the subject so I can be prepared. Also keep in mind when I met her she had poor english, but has been in english lessons since then and we talk every day in english and her english is improving quite a bit, but I don't believe it will be perfect when she arrives. So also any thoughts on what I can do there aside from talking with her everyday.

The time it takes varies... and the severity of adjustment is (apparently) just as varied.  I thought my wife flew through her first 12 months without much in the way of adjustment but later on a conversation revealed her true story.

She said at times she felt everything was zooming past her and she couldn't keep up with all of the changes in her life (especially meeting new people or being involved in new experiences) but she always felt I would be there to make things right when needed.

I guess that's the most important thing about the adjustment period...  You don't have to do much except make yourself available as much as possible to give her support and make her feel safe.

I've read about men planning lots of trips and holidays and sightseeing in the first months after arrival.  We did some of this but I'd suggest taking it a little slowly.  Give her time to settle in... let her find a project when she is ready (getting pregnant/redecorate the house/study/etc) and enjoy your time together.

(I say getting pregnant only half jokingly - pregnancy introduces many new pressures and strains on a woman and a relationship with hormones racing through a womans body etc - BUT in my wifes case it was a blessing.  She focused on her health and the growing baby inside and I had only a very few moment when I had to retreat for cover.     )

Good luck.

[Misha]

I was thinking about how people adjust and at what point an individual would be entirely integrated into their new home country. This would be the point at which I would say that a person has become completely one with their new country: the moment at which they no longer compare the new country with the old or, better yet, their point of comparison becomes a point in their life when they were in their country of adoption. For example: instead of saying (or thinking) "in Russia, we did it like this" they might think, when we used to live in our old house in Texas,..." When a person has reached that stage, then I would say that they are now completed immersed in their new country. Sure, they can be happy and satisfied with their lives before that point, but once they have reached a stage when they feel no need to compare, then IMHO they have gone completely native in their new home countries.

[Kuna]

I was thinking about how people adjust and at what point an individual would be entirely integrated into their new home country. This would be the point at which I would say that a person has become completely one with their new country: the moment at which they no longer compare the new country with the old or, better yet, their point of comparison becomes a point in their life when they were in their country of adoption. For example: instead of saying (or thinking) "in Russia, we did it like this" they might think, when we used to live in our old house in Texas,..." When a person has reached that stage, then I would say that they are now completed immersed in their new country. Sure, they can be happy and satisfied with their lives before that point, but once they have reached a stage when they feel no need to compare, then IMHO they have gone completely native in their new home countries.

Misha,

There's a common characteristic in older immigrants where they'll always remember their homelands as unrealistic utopias at times.  Sometimes when they return home after decades of being away they are shocked at how things have changed.

The bonds people have with their homelands is about culture.  I for instance am (in Aussie terms) a Queenslander.  There is a cultural difference in being a Queenslander.  Imagine a Texan moving to Maine...  he'll always be a Texan.

A RW moving to the US or Canada will always feel Russian to some extent... A Muscowvite will always, to an extent, be a Moscowvite.

I think we have to be careful not contain our wives reminiscing about their former homes.  I have immigrants working for me (in my Sw Dev teams) and I often see them reading ROmainian, Polish, Chinese, English news online.  I guess it's a link they have with "home".